


A Candle in the Night

by StreetSolo



Series: Signs and Smoke Signals [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anger, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghosts, Force Sensitivity, Force-Sensitive Reader, Lightsaber Battles, Lightsabers, Manipulation, Mind Games, Moral Ambiguity, POV Second Person, Pilots, Play Fighting, Plot, Politics, Post-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Reader-Insert, Romance, Sign Language, Slow Build, Smut, Sparring, Star Wars: The Force Awakens Spoilers, The Force, Trust Issues, Wordcount: Over 200.000, blasters, implied female reader, the resistance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-23 09:07:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 212,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6111699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetSolo/pseuds/StreetSolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As things heat up between the First Order and the Resistance, Kylo Ren orders you to stay put on your home planet in order to keep you safe. There you remain until a mysterious droid and a dashing Resistance pilot show up at your door with an invitation from none other than Kylo Ren’s mother, who you learn is not only alive but the General of the Resistance. Spawned on by curiosity as to why Kylo Ren is at odds with his own mother, will you and your friends get swept up in another whirlwind adventure of danger? What more will you come to learn about the Force? Will you finally have to choose between the Dark side and the Light? And will you try to find your way back to Kylo Ren or seek safety from within the Resistance?</p><p>Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/5815693/chapters/13402072">A Flare in the Dark</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> “I choose fantasy to vent, to process complex political, sexual and social politics at the safe distance of fiction."  
> -Natalie Dormer
> 
> Hi there, my name is Krasava AKA Streetsolo, and this is part 2 of the Signs and Smoke Signals trilogy, A Candle in the Night, alternatively titled A Candle in the Knight for all of you who appreciate puns. If you're reading this work for the first time, I just want you to know that this story is a direct sequel to part 1, A Flare in the Dark, and a lot of the characters that you will meet here are fleshed out in a lot more detail in the first story. If you haven't read it yet, you probably could get along well enough, in all honesty, but I always encourage reading the story in its entirety....but you do what works for you! 
> 
> And as a thank you for tuning in to the next part of Reader's story, I begin Chapter 1 with smut. You're welcome. ;)

                “Is he hungry again?”

                You groan as the shrill sound of a baby’s cry splits the air. You hadn’t given him a name yet; it didn’t seem appropriate. You didn’t know if there was some family name that he ought to be given, some legacy to pass on. He was going to be great, one day, but right now he was just a baby. A hungry, screaming baby that seemed to have already adopted his father’s violent swings of mood.

                “How am I supposed to know?” Sadie demands, her voice shouting to be heard over his cries as she reaches down and scoops your baby into her arms.

                “I can’t feed him again,” you say, pulling your shirt tighter around yourself. “Seriously, my breasts are sore. He’s just like his father, he bites like you wouldn’t believe.” You watch as Sadie rocks him back and forth in her arms, slowly lulling him back to sleep. He may have been your kid, but she was better with him than you were, especially at getting him to sleep. Maybe it was just because she seemed to have better maternal instincts, knowing the difference between his cries as to when he wanted to eat or sleep or when he needed to have his diaper changed. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t at least a little bit jealous. It was your baby, after all.

                “Ladson will be back with more formula shortly,” she says, keeping her voice soft so as not to wake the baby.

                “He’s been gone two hours,” you huff. “Seriously, what is taking him?”                

                Suddenly there’s a knock on the door, and you stand up to get it. “No, sit, I’m already up,” Sadie says, and you sit back down on the couch as Sadie opens the door. “Took you long-” She pauses, clutching the baby in her arms as she takes a few steps backwards into the room.

                “Sadie?” you ask nervously. You lean forward and peek out the window. Outside is Ladson, with a group of about two dozen other Storm Troopers. Cautiously, your eyes dart back to the front door as a darkly clothed figure steps inside. Your eyes drift over his armor, up to that familiar mask, the one you never thought you would be so happy to see again. You stare through the slit in his helmet, letting a smile pull at the corners of your lips. For the first time, you can read his expression through the mask. You can see his soft smile and the tender expression in his eyes as he looks at you. He stayed true to his word. He came back. You smile up at him, taking him in.

                “Took you long enough.”

                He doesn’t say anything as he turns to Sadie, holding both hands out for the child. Sadie just turns to you, unsure of what to do. “It’s okay,” you tell her quickly. “It’s his child; he can hold him.”

                Sadie nervously hands the baby over, making sure to support his head as she places him in Kylo’s large hands. “I should give you some privacy,” she says quickly, scooting around Kylo’s tall form. “I’ll just wait outside.”

                Kylo waits until she is out the door before he closes it behind her. He holds his baby in one arm as he undoes the mechanism on the base of his helmet and slides it over his head, tossing it onto the couch beside you.

                “I knew you’d come back,” you say softly as you pull your knees into your chest, gazing up at him as if he had just walked out of one of your dreams.

                “I missed you,” he says quietly as he comes over to sit down beside you. You lean over the baby’s head to plant a kiss on his lips. It’s so familiar, and so comforting, and for some reason it feels like hardly any time has passed since you kissed him last.

                “I missed that,” you say, and a smile tugs at the corners of his lips as he stares down at his child. It suddenly occurs to you that here you are, both parents that brought this little living combination of yourselves into the universe, finally together in a room for the first time since his conception. “He’s just like you. He has your temper and everything.”

                Kylo smiles as he shakes his head in good humor. “Have you named him yet?”

                “No, I was waiting for you to do that,” you tell him. “I didn’t know if there was any sort of family name that you wanted to pass on.”

                “Anakin,” Kylo says, and you wrinkle up your nose.

                “Anakin?” you repeat. “Anakin Ren?”

                Kylo turns to glare at you, and so you quickly close your eyes and look away. You didn’t know how long he was going to be staying for, and you didn’t want him to storm off. “Anakin it is, then, if it means that much to you.”

                “It does,” Kylo says firmly. “It was the name of my grandfather. He was someone of great power, to be respected and admired.”

                “That’s fair,” you concede. “He’s strong in the Force, I can feel it. He has your power coursing through him.”

                “And yours,” Kylo offers, but you just shrug.

                “But I’m no one,” you tell him. “But you? You’re the great Kylo Ren. If someone from the Resistance found out you had a child, I don’t know what they’d do. It’s why we need to-“

                “-stay here,” Kylo finishes. “It’s why you need to stay here, where it’s safe, out of harm’s way.”

                “I was going to say, go with you,” you say quietly, but Kylo just shakes his head.

                “It’s far too dangerous right now,” he says firmly. “Supreme Leader Snoke is very interested in him; he wants to train him in a few years, when he is old enough, but you need to keep him safe until then.”

                You close your eyes and scowl at the implication. “So you’re just going to leave me to raise him alone then? For how long?”

                “I’ll visit as often as I can,” Kylo says quietly. You don’t like his answer, but there’s nothing you can say. Instead you just press your cheek into his shoulder. “Is he always this quiet?”

                “Consider yourself lucky,” you mumble. “He usually never shuts up.”

                “Much like you, then,” Kylo says, and it’s all you can do to stop yourself from slapping his arm.

                “I’m terrible with him,” you admit. “I mean, I do my best, but Sadie can tell whether he’s hungry or sleepy or needs his diaper changed.”

                “That doesn’t matter,” Kylo says dismissively. “In a few years, you will teach him how to read, how to write, how to speak. He’ll inherit your gift with languages. You’ll teach him how to fight, and when it comes time, I will train him how to use the Force.”

                “It can’t be that simple,” you tell him. “Wait a few years and then we all just ride off into the sunset together to be one big happy family?”

                He shakes his head. “When have you ever seen the sun set on the Starkiller Base?”

                “Never,” you admit glumly. You reach up to kiss his cheek, your lips hovering against his warm skin for a moment. You inhale his scent and for a moment you’re intoxicated by him, overwhelmed with need. “How long will you be here for?”

                “I should be getting back,” Kylo says as he gets to his feet, setting Anakin back down in his crib.

                “Getting back?” It’s all you can do not to shout, but you know it will wake the baby if you do. “You’ve been here for not even ten minutes, and it’s a three day trip.”

                He shuffles from foot to foot awkwardly, refusing to meet your gaze. “We were returning from elsewhere in the galaxy,” he says stiffly. “I _decided_ to make an unscheduled stop, but if anyone realizes-“

                “You can spend the night,” you say firmly. “At least one night. I haven’t seen you in about a year and I gave birth to your child. You can spend one night with me.”

                “Here?” Kylo asks, raising an eyebrow. He glances around your tiny home, as if he’s too good for your humble furnishings.

                “Yes,” you insist. “So when you’re back on base in that giant bed of yours, you can remember how I’m living down here, without you.”

                He shakes his head as he massages his temple with his fingertips. “Fair enough.”

                “Besides,” you say, taking a tiny step towards him. “I know how much you missed me. I can feel it.”

                He takes one large step towards you, effectively sealing the space between you. Immediately, his hands are in your hair, urging your head forward, and you stand on your tiptoes as you kiss him, pressing your lips against his. “I missed you,” you whisper against his lips, holding him close.

                After a moment you break away from him, grabbing his hand and leading him into your bedroom. “That’s where you sleep?” Kylo asks, gazing at your bed, almost dumbfounded by its small size.

                “It’s where I sleep,” you repeat firmly. “See what I have to put up with while you’re not here?” Kylo sighs like he wants to offer you something better, but he has nothing to offer you but his company, and you’re more than willing to accept that. “Don’t think about it. You’re not here for long and I want to make the most of our time together.”

                He starts to take off his armor, starting with his boots, and you watch him undress, a happy smile playing on your lips. It’s been so long since you’ve seen him fumble with his armor. “You have some new scars,” you observe as he slides his shirt off, peering at the red marks that dot his abdomen.

                “They’re nothing,” he replies dismissively as he comes around to sit on the side of your bed. You get up and immediately straddle him, sitting in his lap and sliding your legs around his waist. You put both hands on either side of his face as you lean forward and kiss him again, trapping his bottom lip between both of yours.

                “I missed you so fucking much,” you whisper against his warm skin. You don’t want to cry, but you almost can’t help yourself as you feel tears prick in the corners of your eyes. It had been so long since you had seen him last, and you didn’t know when the next time you were going to see him again was. You hated that he had to go to war, hated that he had to be this person who was intent on ruling the galaxy. You would have much rather preferred him to just stay here and raise your son with you, but you knew why that couldn’t happen. There were times when even you still felt restless with your routine, and you had been someone who had been locked in a single apartment for weeks on end with nothing but yourself to keep you company. If you were having a hard time surviving the monotony of your days, Kylo wouldn’t stand a chance.

                You try to push these thoughts away from you as you focus on him. He’s here, finally here, sitting right in front of you, and you didn’t want to waste any time. You reach forward and fist both of your hands in his long, dark hair, cradling his head as you kiss him. He kisses you back, lips parted to give you better access to his mouth as you slowly roll your hips into his, gently trying to spur him on. You can hear Kylo emit a low groan in the back of his throat as he strokes your cheek lightly with the back of his knuckles, slowly getting accustomed to you again.

                You bite your lip as you pull away slightly, staring up at him, feeling desire start to drip through your veins. “You know you can be rough with me.”

                “I know I can,” he replies huskily as he playfully nips at your earlobe. You close your eyes and let out a moan as he works his way down the tender skin of your neck with a series of forceful kisses before he bites at your shoulder, breaking through the fragile skin there with his teeth. You push yourself further against him, desperate for contact, and you can feel his cock, still not yet fully erect against your clit, but you ignore it for now.             

                 Instead, you return the favor as you go to work on his own neck, kissing and sucking passionately, throwing a good breathy moan in there for good measure. You sink your fingernails into the smooth skin on his back as you bite down into his shoulder and move your lips towards the base of his neck, sucking and teasing the sensitive skin just above his collarbone. Your fingernails are short, but they get the job done, as you can feel him brace himself as you drag your fingertips down his back. He grabs the back of your neck to steady you, taking a deep breath in as you continue your assault on his tender flesh.

                Suddenly, as if he can’t take it anymore, he shoves you off of him and down onto the bed. Your legs are still wrapped partially around his waist as he works himself into an uncomfortable position on top of you. The bed is small, and you realize that it actually might be too small for him to sleep comfortably on it tonight, without his legs poking out the end of the bed. You’re about to tell him that maybe you should take this to the floor when he leans down and pulls up your shirt. You gasp as your breasts are suddenly exposed to the cold air of the room, and he leans down and captures one of your nipples in his mouth. He plants one of his large hands firmly on your hips to hold you in place, and he’s holding you so tightly it’s almost but just not painful. You roll your hips upwards towards his, showing your longing, and he bites down on your nipple suddenly, causing you to cry out.

                 He barely pauses as he abandons your nipple, kneading your right breast with one hand while covering your left with his mouth. You whimper as you feel the familiar sensations of pleasure coursing through you as he sucks and licks at the tender skin at the swell of your breast. “Fuck,” you pant. You can feel his fingertips squeezing into your hips now, and you’re bucking your hips towards his at a constant pace now, one hand fisting in his hair, the other grabbing loosely at the blankets on the bed beneath you.

                He rearranges his position, moving off of you slowly, and you are about to ask him what he’s doing when he pulls down your shorts in one swift motion and bites into the tender flesh off your upper thigh, right outside your opening. Your visions blacks for a moment and you cry out, slamming your head back into the pillow beneath you as you arch your back into the air until you’re support yourself solely by your shoulders. He doesn’t stop. Instead, he just continues to your clit, kissing and sucking at a frantic pace. You’re silently thankful he’s not using his teeth here, as you think he actually tore some skin out of your upper thigh. He continues licking and sucking, both hands firmly planted on either side of your narrow hips.

                You bite your lip as you dare yourself to sit up on your elbows and sneak a peek at yourself. You can see that both of your hips on either side of your bodies are very red from where had had been holding you, the left side almost purple. Was he really holding you hard enough to leave a bruise? Had it really been that long that this surprised you? You relax back into the pillow again as he pulls his mouth away from you, thrusting two fingers inside your opening instead.

                You scrunch your eyes shut and let out a groan from between your clenched teeth. “Kylo-“ Suddenly, you are way too needy. You need him. You need him touching you, not just there, but all over. You need to feel his hot, flushed skin against yours. You want to feel his soft skin underneath your lips as you run your hands through his damp, long hair as he fucks you senseless.  

                You close your eyes and reach out to him with your mind using the Force for the first time in what feels like a very, very long time. _Now, Kylo, I’m ready. Now._ He silently obeys, pulling himself into a seated position on the bed as you scooch over and slide down onto him. You are so wet that you slide onto him with ease, releasing a long, slow breath as you relish the familiar sensation of what it felt like to have his stiff cock inside of you. It had been over a year since you felt him last, and you couldn’t deny that you missed being filled by him.

                You can tell Kylo isn’t unaffected either, as he lays his cheek against your shoulder, skimming the soft skin of your neck with his lips in a tender gesture without really kissing you. “I missed you,” he murmurs, both of his arms wrapping firmly around your waist to hold you close to him. “I wish I could take you back with me today.”

                “I know,” you say quietly, but you can’t think about this now, or you’re going to start crying, and you want to _enjoy_ this. Instead, you distract yourself by thinking about how deep he is inside you, and as you start to move your hips against his, he pushes you back suddenly, his arms still wrapped tightly around you. You put each hand on his upper arms, your fingertips digging into his large muscles as he steadies himself over you, trying to keep himself firmly inside of you as you change positions without collapsing the bed. Slowly, you move your hands up over his arms, over his shoulders, wrapping your arms around his neck as he pushes himself deeper into you, lowering his chest onto yours as you lay back on the bed.

                He starts to thrust into you at a faster pace, and you close your eyes and moan into his shoulder, embracing all the familiar sensations as they all come rushing back to you. You had forgotten what it had felt like to be fucked by the great Kylo Ren, and you absolutely hated yourself for forgetting how good this felt. You twist one of your hands in his hair, raking your fingernails down his back as he pumps into you, biting into your shoulder and tormenting you with his teeth.

                “Fuck,” he pants as he curses your name, his breathing labored as he thrusts his hips into yours.

                “Faster,” you beg. You nip down his earlobe before brushing it with your tongue. “Faster, fuck, faster.” His speed increases, and you move your hips up against his, trying to quicken the rhythm. You center yourself, letting his chin press into your forehead, as you continue to throw yourself against him, trying to force yourself to meet his constant, steady rhythm.

                You grit your teeth and continue to push yourself. You can feel the sweat dripping down his face and you quickly reach up and capture his bottom lip between both of yours, nipping at his lower lip before you pull away again. He pushes into you, thrusts into you, faster and faster and faster, pushing himself deeper and deeper, until you can feel yourself start to unwind around him.

                You curse out loudly, not even aware of what you’re doing anymore. Your hands are in his hair, raking across his back, fingernails dragging over his upper arms, all in one steady motion. You can taste the salt of his sweaty skin across your lips and on your tongue, and you’re so intoxicated by him, you’re so lost him in, that you let out a breathless gasp as you feel yourself start to give.

                Kylo murmurs your name from behind clenched teeth, and you can feel him tensing, still inside of you, as you come around him, both of you finding your release almost simultaneously. He collapses on top of you, his face buried in your neck, both of you breathing heavily. He shifts over slightly to lie next to you on the bed, putting his hand flat against your stomach, his hot, labored breath against your ear.  There’s not much room on the bed, at all, and he’s almost curled up completely on top of you to prevent him from falling off. You can tell it’s not a comfortable position by any means, but he makes no effort to move.

                Your eyes trail across his face and down his neck, to the raw purple welt where you had given him a massive hickey. You gingerly reach up and brush it with the very edge of your fingertips. Kylo doesn’t even flinch. “You got a little something here.”

                “So do you.” You just close your eyes and smile, refusing to even look down at yourself. You know what’s there. You remembered how you had been hiding Kylo’s hickeys and bruises and love bites while you were an interpreter on the Starkiller Base, wearing scarves and turtlenecks so that no one would so much as suspect your secret relationship. It seemed like that had happened so long ago now; it felt like it had happened to somebody else. You didn’t think about it anymore, you really didn’t. Sometimes it seemed hard for you to believe that B and C were even real people. Taro still felt real to you, at least, his death still stung at inopportune times when you would see students walking by practicing their Tortuarune, but you were glad to have at least known him, glad that he had at least helped shield your mind from Kylo Ren before you developed your own Force capabilities.

                 Kylo seems to sense your thoughts and takes one of your hands in his, reaching up and pressing his lips against the pads of your fingertips. “Are you going to be gone when I wake up?” you ask softly. You can feel a bubble of despair rising in your chest, but you push it down, away from you. It would do no good to start crying in front of him. You had to be strong; you had to show him that you could handle this.

                “I think that might be best,” he says softly. He was probably right. You remembered when he had sent you off the Starkiller Base the last time, for your own safety. You had professed your love for him with tears streaming down your cheeks, carrying on about how you didn’t want to have leave him. He had professed his love for you that day, the first time he had ever verbally done so, even though you had been aware of his feelings for weeks through the Force Bond that you both shared.

                “Do you still love me?” you ask softly. You knew if you focused you could probably access his mind again with ease, but you had no energy left to do such a thing, nor you were in a hurry to invade his private thoughts.

                “You know I do,” he replies softly, stroking the backs of your fingers with his thumb.

                “Good,” you say softly. You didn’t need to hear him say it, not right now; him just being here was proof enough. A long period of comfortable silence stretches between you before you speak again. “You’re a father now.”

                “I know,” he says quietly. Kylo Ren had never told you about his father. Or his mother. Or his family. Or anything about his past, at all. The fact that he even knew his grandfather was news to you, and you couldn’t help but wonder what else you didn’t know about him. Would you ever get the answers, eventually, or was he determined to keep that part of himself hidden from you?

                You can hear the front door open and close, and Kylo sits up immediately, but you put your hand flat against his chest and push him back down. “Ladson,” you yell. You both pause stiffly for a moment, your positions awkward and tense as you listen.

                “Just me,” he calls back. “Don’t mind me. I’m just guarding the door, watching the baby.”

                “Thanks,” you call back. You turn back to face Kylo, who relaxes a little bit. “He sleeps here, with me.” Kylo’s eyes flash, and your tongue fumbles in your mouth as you make an effort to correct yourself. “Not with me, with me. In the couch, in the living room. He’s-“ You let out a breath. “-less my friend and more of a bodyguard, since whatever you did to him.”

                Kylo just shrugs as if this is of little consequence to him. “I needed someone to protect you, someone you trusted. Someone who could help you get off the base if the event ever called for it.”

                “And it called for it,” you tell him. “But it’s done now. We’re off the base. Can’t you relieve him of duty or something?”

                “You think he wants to?” Kylo asks, raising an eyebrow. “He likes protecting you. It gives him a sense of duty, a sense of purpose. Remember how you would have done anything to help your friend, Sadie? He feels a similar kinship to you.”

                “Yeah, but in the end _you_ were the one who rescued Sadie,” you say pointedly, jabbing your index finger into his chest. “She still does have that scar though.”

                Kylo just shrugs as if it couldn’t be helped. “I don’t think Hux has ever forgiven me for that.”

                “Good,” you snort, unable to conceal your smile. You snuggle into his chest and allow yourself to close your eyes as you’re soothed by the steady pulse of his heartbeat. You know as soon as you fall asleep that he’ll be gone by the time you wake up, and you don’t want to have to experience losing him all over again. “I don’t want you to leave. I know you have to go, but I don’t want you to.”

                “I love you,” he reminds you, as if that helps the fact that tomorrow he’s going to be on the other side of the galaxy. It should mean more to you, but right now his love doesn’t mean much when he’s not there to hold you at night, or help take care of your child.

                “I love you too,” you echo. “Will you try to stop by and visit more? Like, I know it’s hard, but I’m sure you can make some sort of secret solo mission to come out and see your son more often, can’t you? Wouldn’t the Supreme Leader want you to do that?”

                Kylo doesn’t respond, and you’re not sure if it’s because Snoke doesn’t want him to, or because he hasn’t bothered to ask yet. You had never met Snoke, and honestly, you were more than afraid to. You couldn’t imagine a man alive more powerful than Kylo Ren. What kinds of powers did Snoke have? He obviously was extremely powerful; why else would Kylo listen to him and follow his orders without question?

                “Just stay safe,” Kylo says softly, burying the tip of his nose in your hair. “I’ll come back as soon as I can.”

                “You promise?” you ask sleepily.

                “I promise,” he says, putting one hand on the top of your head. You loved the way he stroked your hair absent-mindedly as you slept, if there was one sensation you wish you could preserve forever, it was this one.

                “Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” you remind him childishly. It’s getting harder and harder to hold onto your wakeful thoughts as you feel yourself being pulled under by the weight of your drowsiness.

                “Then I won’t promise you anything,” he says with finality. “I don’t know when I can return to you, but just know that I want to. And I’ll be thinking of you both, daily.”

                “I hope you do,” you tell him, because it’s true. There’s hardly a minute when Kylo isn’t in your thoughts, and it doesn’t help that you’re reminded of his absence every time you look at Anakin. “I’ll be waiting for you,” you mutter sleepily as you finally drift off to sleep.

                You’re sound asleep by the time Kylo finally leaves you. You wish he would have stayed the night, but the bed is far too small for him and he can’t get comfortable, so he just stays for as long as he feels is appropriate, just stroking your hair and watching you sleep. After that he gets up and tucks you in, kissing you softly as he tells you that he loves you just one more time, vowing to return to you. He went into the living room to talk to Ladson and to say farewell to his child, but the exact words exchanged were a mystery to you. All you knew when you woke up that morning was that you were alone in an empty room with an ache in your chest and a hole in your heart.

                You dressed in no time at all and rushed into the living room where Sadie was sitting with Ladson. The look on their faces confirmed what you knew to be true, that it hadn’t all been some kind of wonderful dream. Kylo had really been here, and then he had gone, almost as quickly and as suddenly as he had come. But his presence hadn’t gone entirely unnoticed.

                “The baby slept through the night,” Ladson tells you. “First time he’s ever done that.”

                They both look away respectfully as tears brim in your eyes, but you’re not afraid to cry, not in front of them. “I wish he could have stayed,” you say, fighting through the tears in your voice, and they just sit there quietly as they let you work through it. “Anyway, he, uh, he gave me a name for him.”

                “A name?” Sadie asks. “What is it?”

                “Anakin,” you tell her. “After his grandfather.”

                “Anakin?” she repeats, wrinkling up her nose much like you had, as she looks over at Ani, who was still sound asleep. You walk over to his crib and lean over the edge, trailing a finger down your baby’s cheek. You’ve never felt anything smoother in the whole galaxy.

                “He kind of looks like an Anakin,” you tell her. “Then again, he really looks just like his father.” You stare down at his sleeping face as you let out a long, shaky exhalation. Kylo was gone again, and you had no idea how long it would be until he returned to you. Would it be a matter of weeks? Months? Or even years? You knew he had told you that Snoke wanted to train Ani when he was old enough, but you had no idea how old that meant. When he was five? Ten? Either way, it seemed like a very long time from now, but you knew that Kylo would return to you, eventually.

                The real question was, of course, if Anakin really was anything like his father, would you be able to keep him out of trouble until then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus begins the second part of our reader's tale. If you read my previous notes from the last chapter, then you'll know it might be a bit before we see Kylo again, but that's why this story is a trilogy...I'm in it for the long haul. But don't worry: I don't want to say anything to spoilery, but...okay, after typing and retyping this, I'm just not going to say anything at all, you'll just have to trust me. ;) I have a plan, and I've written up to chapter 22, and this story will probably again have 30 chapters, maybe a little more, maybe a little less, I'll keep you posted as we go along, but daily updates WILL continue!! Hooray!!
> 
> Also, yes, you'll see the sign language tag is still there because I communicate with ASL in my daily life so there's no way I could write a story without including it in some way!! 
> 
> Also, feel free to check me out on [Tumblr](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/)/[Twitter](https://twitter.com/streetsolo)/[Instagram](https://www.instagram.com/streetsolo/) (and now [Facebook](https://www.facebook.com/Streetsolo-100707330320784/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel)!) @ streetsolo (I always post all my new Star Wars merch on Instagram.) Cheers!!


	2. Chapter 2

                “Ani, put that stick down,” you shout, standing in the doorway to your house. You watch as your little raven-haired child takes a stick twice his size off the ground and pummels it against a nearby tree, screeching so loudly it might make your ears bleed. You sigh and put your hands over your ears, trying to drown out the sound. It was probably a _very_ good thing he was too young to understand what the Force was, because if he knew how to use it, he probably would have killed someone by now.

                “I got him,” Ladson calls out, scooping Anakin up from behind. He struggles and kicks, but Ladson holds firm, trying to wrestle the branch out of his grip. You walk up to them from behind, putting your arm over Ladson’s shoulder as you place your palm flat up against the top of your child’s head.

                “Sleep, Ani,” you command with as much of the Force as you can muster, and his body goes limp in Ladson’s arms, the stick falling lifelessly to the ground.

                “You got to teach me how to do that,” Ladson huffs. He gently positions Ani over one shoulder as he carries him inside. “Kid is strong for a five year old.”

                “Yeah, well,” you sigh as you watch Ladson tuck him into his bed. “He has the Force and his father’s temper. Makes sense he’d be at least a little out of control.” You can see Ladson’s shoulders stiffen as he turns and looks up at you, his eyes full of concern. He doesn’t need to ask if you’re okay; he knows your answer by now. “He’ll come back,” you tell him, even if you’re not quite sure you believe it yourself. Kylo Ren had only returned a handful of times since he had last named Anakin and slipped off into the night.

                The first time he had returned was a few months after the first, when you returned from teaching your self-defense classes with Ani and Ladson to find a small group of Storm Troopers outside your door and Kylo Ren sitting shirtless on your bed, waiting for you to return. You had taken him quickly, eagerly, determined to feel as much of him as you could before he departed again. He had stayed for only two days that time, relieving Ladson, who stayed with Sadie, so that he could have alone time with just you and his son. Ani hadn’t been able to talk by that point yet, but you had still taught him to sign in order to communicate his basic needs, and it was then that you taught him the Tortuarune sign for father, thumb pressed against his forehead. Of course, his motor skills weren’t as sharp as they could be yet and he almost poked himself in the eye, but it was cute, nonetheless.

                That first time had been strange; seeing Kylo interact with his son as a father properly should, holding him in one arm and talking to him without any hint of awkwardness, as if a secret part of him liked this happy accident you had created with him. You were content to remain wrapped up in his other arm, lips pressed against his warm skin as you trailed a series of kisses up and down his arm, determined to try to impress this memory upon your conscious so you could never lose it. Kylo still told you that he loved you before he left, and he proved it the only way he could, by coming to visit you as often as he could, even though the time between visits was long and lonely, and none of them lasted longer than three days.

                The last time he had arrived, Ani was a bit older, enough to recognize faces and babble coherent words, but not old enough to commit the scene to memory as he sat on Kylo’s knee and called him _daddy._ You watched Kylo’s reaction carefully, then, pleased to see the corner of his lip quirk up in the semblance of a smirk as he appraised this peculiar young thing that he had created with you. He had stayed for an entire week that time, and you almost let yourself believe that he would never leave, until one of his Storm Troopers knocked on the door and said that something urgent had happened and they had to be getting back. He had kissed you quickly and looked you in the eyes as he told you he loved you, holding your chin between the fingers of his gloved hands before he stalked off into the dead of night, his cape snapping in the breeze as it floated out behind him.

                He hadn’t returned since.

                You tried not to think about why he never returned. At least the Storm Trooper’s announcement helped cement the notion that it wasn’t because of you, that you hadn’t done anything wrong, although in the dead of night when you were alone in the bed, the idea couldn’t help but rear its ugly head from the depths of your conscious. But no, you knew Kylo hadn’t left because of you or your child, even though you couldn’t figure out why he never returned. Was it because he was busy with whatever militaristic operations the First Order was planning? Was it because it was simply too dangerous, and he felt that his visit might only endanger your safety? Was it some combination of the two? Puzzling over the reasons as to why he wasn’t here exhausted you, and so you tried to distract yourself from it however you could, even going so far as to avoid saying his name if you could help it. You referred to him simply as _Ani’s father_ , or _him_ , and left it at that.

                Ladson had certainly stepped up to take the role of Ani’s father figure in Kylo’s absence, but it didn’t help much. Anakin knew implicitly that Ladson was not his father, perhaps clinging on to some memory that his young brain had somehow preserved. Even still, you, Sadie, and Ladson banded together to do the best you could to raise him right. Ladson took Anakin with you to your self-defense classes, standing with him off to one side while Anakin struggled to follow along with you, thrusting his tiny limbs out in all directions until gravity got the better of him. It was cute, and everyone in the class liked watching him, at least, until Anakin started to cry loud fitful sobs that racked his whole body. At that point, Ladson was always quick to grab him and carry him outside so as not to disturb the rest of the class.

                Even though Sadie had tried to teach you time and time again, you were still a pretty lousy cook, truth be told, and so Sadie took over that responsibility, coming over every night to cook meals for the four of you. It was nice eating dinner together like a quaint little family, and it helped alleviate your thoughts of Kylo, at least temporarily.

                In fact, Sadie always seemed to be around, serving some function or another. You had tried teaching Anakin how to speak and write Basic and how to sign Tortuarune, just for starters, but he wasn’t taking to it as quickly as you would have liked, and you were quickly getting frustrated with his lack of progress. Apparently he was not as quick to acquire new languages as you were, but fortunately Sadie was more patient and took on the role of his linguistics teacher as well. Ani actually seemed to be learning faster under her charge, or enjoying it more, at any rate, and you couldn’t help but concede that Sadie was probably just a better teacher than you were. Between that, her almost constant presence in your kitchen, and the fact that she still sewed clothes for you four to wear, it seemed that she had the maternal thing down perfectly, much better than you did, at any rate.

                The hard truth was that you weren’t quite sure what your role was when it came to Anakin. You didn’t want to be the sole disciplinarian, and yet it always seemed to come down to you. If Sadie made him a scrap of clothing that didn’t fit him properly, or was in a color he didn’t particularly care for that day, he would start screaming and crying, knocking over and destroying everything around him, like a mini dust storm. At first you had tried to reason with him, tried to get him to sit down and _talk_ about how he was feeling, but after he had swung his fist at Ladson and kicked Sadie in the shin, you supposed it was just easier to pacify him using the Force until he woke up in a better mood. It probably wasn’t the best of approaches, but you didn’t know what else you were supposed to do. You had been able to calm Kylo simply with your presence and through the power of the bond you shared with him, but there was no such hope with taming Ani.

                Sometimes you considered yourself a horrible parent, but then again, you weren’t sure if you really had ever even wanted to _be_ a parent; it just sort of happened. And you should have known that was a risk for having all that sex with Kylo, but at the time you had assumed that the BC regulator implant in your inner thigh had been working properly. You didn’t think there was actually any risk involved. It simply hadn’t occurred to you that it would _fail_. Glitches happened, of course, but you were not completely sure whether it simply malfunctioned or if it had been the Force at work, disabling it so that you could conceive Kylo Ren’s child before he sent you off.

                The real truth was that you didn’t know what the heck you were supposed to do as a parent. Your mother had died when you were very young and you didn’t remember her, and your father had been drunk most of the time and sold you into servitude when you were twelve in exchange for ebla. You had used your linguistic wits to survive on your own after your father had given you a cruel shove into the dangers of the galaxy, but you knew you could not do the same to Ani. You had turned out fine, or at least as close to fine as one could be given your circumstances, but Ani was not like you. He was Kylo Ren’s son, and that brought on a whole new host of unnecessary dangers that you didn’t know quite how to deal with. Regardless, you were going to have to do your best, at least until Kylo decided to come back to fetch him and begin his Force training. 

                Still, it wasn’t like caring for Ani was a completely intolerable affair. He may have had his father’s temper tantrums and violent swings of mood, but there were times when he seemed for all intents and purposes like a normal, innocent child, going on walks with Ladson to the market and picking up wild flowers to make a wreath to put in your hair. Sometimes, when he couldn’t sleep, he would come wake you up and sit on the end of your bed while you told him stories of your adventures aboard the Starkiller Base and elsewhere in the galaxy, making sure to filter the content to fit a five year old’s sensitive ears. Other times, he would wake you up in the middle of a rainstorm and you would grab Ladson’s hand and pull him out into the rain with you as you all ran around in the dark, jumping in puddles and splashing each other until the three of you became horribly sick and Sadie had to double her maternal efforts to take care of the lot of you.

                But sometimes you couldn’t help but think it would be easier if he wasn’t around. He was a constant living, breathing reminder that Kylo had just abandoned you here, and during the nights when you were alone in your bed, you couldn’t help but think that Kylo was never coming back for you. It had been _years_ since he last came to visit you, and he knew where you were. You hadn’t gone anywhere; he knew right where to find you. There was always the possibility that he had been struck down in battle, but you know that this wasn’t the case either. You would sense it if Kylo was no longer on this mortal plane, somehow, you just knew that you would feel your connection being severed, as if a star had suddenly been swiped out of the sky.

                It didn’t help that Ani, being a child, couldn’t help but remind you of this fact every now and again. Sometimes he would sit at the dinner table and refuse to eat until you would tell him stories of his father. Sometimes he would ask when Kylo was coming home all day and all night and into the next morning. You knew it wasn’t his fault; it was the expectation of every child to be loved and adored by his or her parents, and you couldn’t help but feel that sometimes Anakin was acting out in the hopes that his father might eventually come, negative attention trumping abandonment. And so you did what you could to try to be enough on your own.

                “Come at me again, Ani,” you tell him, sitting outside on the grass. Ladson was sitting at the base of a tree, looking on, while Sadie sat on your doorstep and sewed. She had gotten a shipment of merlie wool in a few weeks prior, but had waited until now to try sewing with it to let the stink wear out. Merlie wool was extremely warm during the cold season, and resisted rain quite well, but it stank something awful if you didn’t air it out properly.

                Anakin ran towards you, massive stick in his hands, as he tried to hit you over the head with it. You just casually lifted one hand in the air and used the Force to lift your staff to block it, creating a horizontal barrier just above your forehead. 

                “That’s not fair,” Ani pouts, lowering his stick. “No fair you can use the Force.”

                “You’ll be able to use the Force one day,” you tell him. “When you’re older. You just got to be patient.” He lowers his head and throws the stick away from him, watching it bounce lengthwise along the ground. “Hey, hey, it’s not just about waiting,” you tell him. “To use the Force you have to be physically strong too. So we’re training you. Preparing you. So when it’s time to train you in the Force, you can kick all sorts of butt.”

                Usually that was enough encouragement to get him to eagerly run over and pick up his stick, but not today. “But when is dad coming back?”

                “When he can,” you tell him patiently. “Your dad’s a very powerful guy. Super strong, very brave, and there’s a lot of people counting on him. He’s fighting a war up there, in the stars, and when it’s all said and done, he’s going to come home and he’s going to train you to be as big and as powerful as he is.”

                “How do you know?” he asks softly, and you get up and scoot a little closer to him, taking both of his tiny hands in yours.

                “Because when you were only a tiny, little thing, your dad came to visit you,” you tell him. “And when he saw you, it was like the world just stopped. And he offered you his hand and you squeezed his finger, and do you remember what he said?”

                “He said, ouch,” Ani says with a playful yelp, reciting his part in this familiar story perfectly.

                “That’s right,” you tell him, brushing his hair off his forehead with one hand. “He said, ouch, that’s my tough little guy. He’s going to be big and strong one day. He’s going to be as brave as his daddy and as tough as his mommy.”

                “Mommy’s not so tough,” Ani says with a childish giggle, and your eyes spark.

                “Mommy’s not so tough?” you ask, grabbing him with both hands as you tickle his stomach. “Mommy’s not so tough?” He collapses on the ground in a fit of giggles as you tickle his stomach, watching him roll in the grass beneath you as he emits shrieks of childish laughter.

                “Help,” Anakin giggles, twisting his neck up and to the side to look at Ladson.

                “Help?” Ladson asks, getting to his feet. “I don’t know, you’ve seen her. She’s going to beat me.”

                Nevertheless, Ladson puts both hands firmly on your shoulders as you sit up, and Ani quickly scampers over to the tree to watch the ensuing fight. He _loved_ it when you sparred with Ladson; he absolutely couldn’t get enough of it. You weren’t quite sure why he loved it as much as he did, until you remembered that he had probably inherited _your_ fighting spirit. As much as his physical looks and temper tantrums insinuated that he was Kylo Ren’s child, he was also half your child, which meant that he had probably inherited your strongest qualities, like your fighting spirit, your stubbornness, and probably your indomitable sense of self-reliance. You could only hope he inherited that last one, anyway.

                Ladson helps you get to your feet and you take a few steps back from each other, both squatting down into a fighting position, knees bent, one leg thrust up behind you, as you raise your fists to the level of your chest. “You ready to do this?” Ladson asks.

                “Born ready,” you reply simply. Knowing that he is never one to attack first, you lunge towards him, planting a kick into his side without your foot making contact. He lifts his right leg into the air as he tries to kick you back, but you just dart away from him, circling him playfully. Ladson throws another kick out in your direction, but he’s not close enough to make contact, and so you use the opportunity while he is off balance to jump to one side, placing two kicks in the air, one at his chest and the other at his head, still without making contact. You land deftly and spin around, throwing your leg out in another high kick behind you as you spin.

                Anakin jumps and cheers for you from his spot on the sidelines, and you turn to him and do the faintest of bows. “Yeah, yeah,” Ladson says playfully, and you can feel the top of his foot strike your abdomen as he hits your side.

                “Oww,” you say teasingly as you stand back up and whirl around to face him. “No fair, I wasn’t paying attention.”

                “Never turn your back on your opponent, Ani,” Ladson calls to him before turning back to you and lowering his voice. “Seriously, what are you teaching this kid?”

                “Oh please,” you say, raising your voice in mock offense, as you strike a punch towards his face. He cranes his neck to the side, dodging it easily, and it’s all you can to block a punch that comes in at your side. You twist your body around to place a strike from your elbow against his side, but he uses this position to push the back of your body flush against his, his right arm around your neck with his hand on your left shoulder.

                “Go ahead and do it,” he whispers in your ear. “You know he loves it.”

                “Fine.” You grab his arm with both hands, tighten your core and scoot down and back, flipping Ladson over your shoulder and onto the ground in front of you.

                “Yay,” Ani cheers as he rushes over to you, putting both hands on Ladson’s chest. “Mommy wins.”

                “Mommy always wins,” Sadie says as she stands up and walks over to you.

                “Cause Mommy’s the best,” you say teasingly, sending a wink in her direction as you smirk at her. She rolls her eyes, and you appreciate how much you can have entire conversations with her with just yours eyes alone.

                _Hey Sadie,_ _remember when you attacked me in Hux’s room and I flipped you over my shoulder like that?_

_How could I forget?_

“It’s late,” Sadie says. “I should be getting back.”

                “Tell your father I said hey,” you tell her, pulling her into a quick one-armed hug. “And thank him for the house again.”

                “Seriously?” Sadie asks, putting one hand on her hip. “Do you know how _long_ it’s been? You don’t have to keep thanking him for that.”

                You put one arm behind Anakin’s back, urging him closer to you. “But we _thank_ people who do nice things for us without getting anything in return, don’t we, Ani?”

                “Thank you,” Ani says as he looks up at her, mostly out of learned behavior instead of any true comprehension of your words.

                “I’ll tell him,” Sadie sighs as she shakes her head. “Again. Night all.”

                “Night,” Ladson echoes as he turns to head back inside with you. You tuck Ani into bed, who thankfully goes to sleep without any sort of a fuss. You were never asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow, not once, so it was a trait he must have learned from his father, if such traits could be passed on through genetics alone. Ladson stands behind you as you stare down at him, his hands stroking your upper arms in a comforting gesture. “This isn’t so bad, is it?” he asks.

                “It’s not so bad,” you tell him, quietly. “I really do miss him though.”

                “I know,” he responds softly. “But you’re safe here. He’s safe here. Isn’t being here a hundred times better than being on the Starkiller Base?”

                “I guess,” you shrug. When you closed your eyes, you could still picture Kylo’s room, where you had spent so many of your days. If you closed your eyes and focused hard enough, you could still picture yourself walking through his apartment, past the kitchen, past the living room, past Kylo’s secret room where he vented his anger to the window, where, looking out, you could still see the blistering snow and the white icy mountain peaks in the distance.

                You didn’t know that was all gone now. You didn’t know that the planet had been ultimately destroyed in a Resistance attack. You didn’t know that that was at least part of the reason why Kylo had never come back to visit you again. You didn’t know anything. You had stayed at your academia at the far end of the galaxy, living your life so far removed from the skirmish between the First Order and the Resistance that you had little idea what transpired in your absence. Not that you cared either way. War was still war to you, and you didn’t believe either side was in the right or the wrong. Everything existed in shades of grey, everything, even Kylo Ren, supposedly the most wicked man in the galaxy that still had a soft spot when it came to you and his son. He had proven to you at least twice that he could love selflessly, both when he saved your sister and when he sent you away for your own safety. Although that first one could be argued, there was no denying the last one: he cared about your life and he wanted you to be safe, even if it meant that you could no longer spend every night with him.

                But as you laid in bed that night, you didn’t care about being safe. You wanted him to be here with you, or for you to be with him, wherever he was in the galaxy. You didn’t care if you were sleeping in trenches with blaster bolts flying overhead; you wanted to be near him. You trusted that he would come back for you, but it was hard to have unremitting confidence in a shadow that seemed to sulk at the very edge of your memory. You still had his scarf to cling onto at night, but there were times such as tonight when it almost seemed like an insult, like it was simply mocking your unwavering devotion to him. “Please come back,” you whispered to the darkness of your room. “I don’t want to stay here anymore.”

                You would have laughed at the timing if it had been something you read in one of Sadie’s silly little romantic stories, for the timing was far too perfect to be realistic. Even still, you couldn’t have chalked it up solely to coincidence if you wanted to. Kylo had trained you how to use the Force, but there were still subtle impressions of the Force that you were able to perceive without being consciously aware of them. You simply chalked it up to having a stellar intuition, not really knowing that there was anything more to it.

                Therefore, it wasn’t all that impossible to believe that as soon as those words passed your lips, an unknown ship entered your planet’s atmosphere. The pilot had been given an order and his goal was simple: find Kylo Ren’s child, and his mother. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not going to lie, I had a ton of fun writing tomorrow's chapter, and after going through my outline again, I can definitely assure you that this story will have over 30 chapters. Exactly how many, I'm not quite sure, but I'm not going to have an epilogue again, since part 3 picks up right after this story ends. I'll be sure to update the number at the top of the page when I know for sure, but otherwise for right now I'll just leave it as is!!
> 
> PS: For all those wondering, my Master Cleanse is going good! I'm on day 6 of not eating, just imbibing my lemon juice/maple syrup/cayenne pepper drink daily and I haven't had any weird side effects or anything whatsoever. Hooray!! I still miss the physical sensation of nomming into a good burger though! xD 
> 
> Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	3. Chapter 3

                For all intents and purposes, that morning had started out just like any other. You and Ladson had gotten up early to take a trip to the market, making sure to stop by Sadie’s to ask her to watch Ani, who was still snoring soundly in his bed back at home. It was part of your occasional obligation to make yourself at least seem like a couple in the public eye. People had seen Ladson dressed in his Storm Trooper armor when he had first arrived back here several years ago, which had masked at least some of the suspicion when Kylo’s platoon of Storm Troopers appeared at your house whenever he came to visit. It was a peaceful planet, and people didn’t know much of the First Order other than to be afraid of them, and so no one really got involved in your business.

                Even still, you didn’t want to give anyone reason to suspect that Ani was really Kylo Ren’s child, and so you and Ladson went down to the market together at least twice a month and acted like a proper couple, sometimes bringing Ani when he would wake up for it, completing the illusion of a totally normal, happy little family. The best part was that you didn’t have to try all that hard. You and Ladson were friends before this, and so you just acted like yourself, albeit a little more touchy-feely, holding his hand and hanging over his shoulder. You hugged only on occasion, a seldom occasion, and you never kissed him, not once. The notion was distressing to you; it would have been as absurd as kissing your own brother. No, even though you could easily trick others into believing that you and he were truly an item, only a very small number of people knew the truth, and you were intent on keeping it that way.

                And that was all well and good for you. Your heart belonged to Kylo Ren, and Ladson knew it, not that he was truly interested in you anyway. He had hinted that he wasn’t into girls years ago when Sadie had flirted with him mercilessly aboard the Starkiller Base, but that wasn’t what bothered you. What bothered you was the fact that he hadn’t been with anyone in years either. He was there on the couch when you went to bed at night, and he was there when you woke up in the morning. If he was sneaking out to see someone, you didn’t know who it was, and even then, you doubted he would, lest he risk endangering the secure reputation you all had so carefully constructed. It wasn’t fair to him, and you knew that, but every time you tried to talk to him about it, he simply shut down and said it wasn’t worth discussing. You wanted him to have his own life outside of you, but lamented that he would probably never leave your side until Kylo Ren came back and took you and Ani with him for good.

                Sadie hadn’t been involved with anyone either, at least as far as you knew, and you couldn’t help but feel like you were creating an undue burden on their lives. While they both seemed content to be committed to helping you raise Ani, you couldn’t help but wonder if things would be better for them once you left, once they no longer felt obligated to help you care for Ani. You at least took a small bit of solace in the fact that Sadie returned home to her father every night, and there were days when she was too busy helping him in his shop to come by and visit. At least she had a bit more of her own life to hold onto. Ladson, however, stayed resolutely by your side both night and day, determined to do whatever you asked of him. You were grateful for it, there was no doubt about that, but you just couldn’t help but wish that his presence would have been unnecessary, that Kylo had allowed you to stay with him so that he could help raise Ani with you. After all, wasn’t that his obligation, as his father? Sure, he was going to instruct Ani in the ways of the Force when the time came, but did he really want no part in Ani’s life other than just to train him?

                It was these thoughts that drifted through your mind as you headed back from the market, entertaining Ladson with idle conversation, trying to distract yourself from your own thoughts. It didn’t do much good; it never seemed to do much good, at least not anymore. You seemed to swing back and forth from one extreme of emotion to the other much more rapidly than usual as of late, wishing Kylo Ren was there with you more than anything and secretly resenting him for abandoning you. You wanted to talk to Ladson and Sadie about it more, but their replies had become staunch, automatic replies of reassurance, promising you that he would keep his vow to return eventually. You didn’t know how to tell them that that wasn’t what you needed right now. Right now what you needed was the truth, and sometimes you wished that _they_ had the Force, so that they could stick their fingers into your brain and pull out the memories of your time with him that only you had seen, so that they could at least make an objective judgement call for themselves. It wasn’t that you were starting to doubt that he ever really loved you, no, of course not, it was just…why hadn’t he come back?

                You were pulled out of your reverie by Ladson, who stopped next to you and hunkered down, his shoulders stiff and at the ready. He grabbed your wrist and pulled you down beside him, pointing through the tree line. “Do you see that?”

                “See what?” Your house sat at the base of a steep ravine, and so when you had stepped out your doorway that morning, you had turned left and taken the ascending pathway that curved up and around your house that led to the market. To the right of your doorway led an alternative path that was flat and narrow, bordered by trees on both sides, until it eventually dropped into a steady descent down a hill that led to the landing field. You were on this higher path now, and it fortunately allowed you to see the lower road that led straight to your door.

                Your eyes flicked through the green bits of foliage along the trail that led up to your small abode until you spotted it. Through the dense leaves, you could just make out a figure in a brown leather jacket heading on the path straight to your door, closely followed by a spherical orange and white droid with a tiny head. Now that you had spotted them, they were hard to miss, and your heart jumped into your throat as you watched them walk along, in no particular hurry. Even though you couldn’t see the man’s face, you could see the way he carried himself, and that concerned you.

                “That’s an astromech droid,” Ladson whispers under his breath. “It looks like a BB unit.”               

                You pause for a moment, suddenly taken aback by this new wave of information, as you turn your head slightly towards him. “How do you know that?”

                “I used to work with droids before I became an interpreter,” Ladson tells you, and you tilt your head to the side as you ponder how you never knew this before. You felt like he had told you that in the past, but it must have only been in passing, as you didn’t remember much of that conversation now. “But these guys don’t look like they’re from around here. And they certainly don’t look like they’re with the First Order.”

                You can feel the blood in your veins run cold as your eyes flick again to the man with the confident gait. “The Resistance?” you ask as your heart plummets in your chest with the sudden realization. “Ladson, Ani’s in that house. If they’re here, it means they know he’s Kylo’s kid.”

                “What should we do?” Ladson asks, ready to follow any and all orders you give him.

                “Keep on this path, go around the far side and wait for me to make the first move,” you tell him. There’s a steep drop along the ravine in the foliage, but you could probably slide down okay and surprise them from behind…if you hurried. They were almost at the door. You could only hope that Sadie would have the good sense not to answer it. Ladson gives your shoulder a firm squeeze before he takes off, following the trail. You walk to the edge of the trail and grab onto a nearby tree branch as you look at the drop below you. The ravine is pretty steep, an almost-but-not-quite vertical descent, but you had the luck of the Force with you. You tug on the tree branch, but it stays firm to the trunk of the tree. You rest your weight on it and then let your legs swing down. You use your forward momentum to slide down the rest of the steep bank, jumping with your knees high in the air before you reach the bottom. You bend your knees to suck up the compression as soon as you hit the ground and land in a crouch on the balls of your feet. You let out a deep breath, taking one lingering look at the four meter drop you had just descended, before you turn back to your mission at hand.

                You were fortunate that your house was surrounded by trees, and you took advantage of this fact as you danced over their exposed, gnarly roots, one at a time, moving from trunk to trunk until you got closer to your door. You pushed your back up against the tree closest to your lawn, sucking in deep breaths in and out of your nostrils as you pulled your staff out of its holster and used the Force to expand it to its full length. You peek around the corner of the tree just in time to see Sadie opening the door slightly. Well, fine, as long as he was distracted – you approach him quickly from behind, taking quick strides towards him while still trying to remain as quiet as possible.

                “What do you want?” Sadie asks, keeping one hand on the doorknob and the other on the opposing doorframe to keep him from entering.

                “Well, I was supposed to be on a mission to find the most beautiful girl in the galaxy,” he tells her. “But I think I’ve just found her.”

                You let out a breathless laugh as you smash him in the back of your head with your staff, and he goes down immediately, falling face first into the dirt. The BB unit lets out a disgruntled series of beeps as he looks down at the body and then back up at you, but you have no idea what it’s saying.

                “Stay in the house,” you tell Sadie. “Keep-“ You see a frightened Ani peering out from under Sadie’s arm, both hands clutching at her skirt. “Stay in the house, Ani, and don’t come out until I say, all right?” You see him disappear back inside, and you were thankful that he could at least listen when it really counted. Sadie, however, shakes her head as she steps outside, closing the door behind her.

                “I don’t think he’s evil,” she tells you slowly, as you both ignore the droid, who was now rolling his round body into his master’s side in a vain attempt to wake him.

                “Not evil?” you ask, raising an eyebrow as you look up at her. “Why do you say that? Because no supervillain would bother with a pickup line that lame?”

                “He’s too pretty to be evil,” she says, looking down at him. You tilt your head to the side as you study his features. He was attractive, sure, but nothing special.  

                “Okay, not evil,” you say at length, then immediately scrunch your nose up as you realize your tacit agreement. “Only because if he _was_ evil, there’s no way he should have gone down that fast.” Suddenly you see Ladson come around the corner, and a flash of rage accompanies a sudden thought; what if you had stayed at the market just a few minutes longer and they had grabbed Ani and made a run for it? “And you! Some bodyguard you’re supposed to be.”

                Ladson just shakes his head, like this isn’t the time. He was used to your occasional bouts of anger from simple things here and there, leftover side-effects from the Force Bond you still shared with Kylo Ren. They weren’t as frequent now that you had spent so much time away from him, but they occasionally bubbled to the surface every now and again. “He says you killed his master.”

                “Looks like you’re back to being an interpreter,” you sigh under your breath. “Tell him his master’s not dead.”

                “No, he can understand Basic,” Ladson tells you as you stare down at the little droid.

                You look down at its little mechanical eye. It was sort of cute, if droids could be considered cute. “Okay, then, what do you want?”

                He lets out a long string of beeps and whistles, and you turn to Ladson, waiting patiently for the BB unit to finish speaking. “He says he’s with the Resistance.”

                You groan loudly and run a hand through your hair as you turn in a slow circle. “Damn it, it means we’re going to have to kill him.”

                You hear the droid make some sort of indignant noise, and you turn to face it incredulously.

                “He heard that,” Ladson confirms.

                The man on the ground lets out a long groan as he starts to sit up, but you jab him in the shoulder with your staff, rolling him over onto his back as you pin him to the ground. He blinks a few times before he says your name, and that’s when you know that you really are in some deep shit.

                “You have me at a disadvantage,” you say quietly. You were going to have to kill him, but first you were going to get out as much of him as possible to know if anyone else was going to come looking for you. “You know my name, but I don’t seem to know yours.”

                “Poe,” he says. “Poe Dameron.” He turns his head as he looks to the side. “This here’s Beebee-Ate.” The droid emits some sort of whistle, as if he’s introducing himself, and you glance in disbelief back at Ladson.

                “And you’re with the Resistance?” you demand. Poe grimaces as you twist the end of your staff into his shoulder.

                “Can you please not do that?” he asks, closing a fist around the end of your staff as he tries to pull it off of him. “Please? This is my good shoulder. I’m very attached to it.”

                Ladson lets out a snort of laughter before he’s silenced with one look from you. “Ladson.” You pick up your staff and jut your chin in his direction as Ladson bends down and helps Poe to his feet.  

                “Well, hello,” Poe says, looking him up and down. “I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet.” He winks at him, and your anger flashes again as Ladson grabs him from behind, holding him in place and twisting his arms behind his back so he can’t escape.  

                “Hey asshole,” you scoff. “You’re flirting with everyone but the one person you need to impress.”

                He cocks his head to the side as he considers you. “Maybe I already know I’m not going to impress you that way.”

                You let out a laugh as you look down at the ground. If Kylo was in charge here, Poe’s head would probably already be off his body. But as it so happened, you were not Kylo, and you were going to deal with this _your_ way. “Let’s not play games here. You know who I am, so I guess you know who’s in there.”

                “Kylo Ren’s kid,” Poe answers immediately.

                “Glad you know how to play.” You take a deep breath in and let it out. “So you’re with the Resistance then?”

                “Yes,” Poe confirms.

                You feel your heart twist in your chest. You had never killed anyone before; maybe it wouldn’t haunt you as much as you assumed it would. “You’ve been honest with me,” you tell him. “So now I’m going to be honest with you. You know who I am, who my friends are, where I live. I can’t just let you walk away and risk that you’ll tell someone else where I am. I’m going to have to kill you.”

                The droid emits a rapid-fire series of beeps, and you look towards Ladson. “Do I want to know what it’s saying?”

                “You really don’t,” Ladson confirms.

                “Well,” you let out a deep sigh. “Could always make a little extra money ripping up that droid and selling him for parts.”

                “I didn’t come alone,” Poe says loudly, and if you’re not mistaken, he’s a bit put off by the way you insulted his droid.

                “Of course you didn’t,” you mutter under your breath. “And so, what? You brought your entire army here with you for backup but decided you could just come alone and sweet talk me into handing over my son?”

                “Not just him,” he says. “You too.” You narrow your eyes, and he lets out a deep sigh. “Look, we’re here because the General cares about your safety.”

                “Our safety?” you ask, tilting your head to the side.

                “We know how you escaped the First Order,” he explains as you and Ladson exchange a look. “We know you escaped and broke their ship down to sell for parts, but word still gets around.”

                “We’ve been watched this entire time?” you demand angrily. Here Kylo sent you off thinking that you would be safer hiding out at your old academia, and yet apparently the Resistance had found you anyway. Maybe it would have been safer with him after all.

                “Not until recently,” he admits. “But we’ve been looking, believe me. The General has been doing everything possible to make sure-“

                “And why does the General of the Resistance care so much about me?” you ask, putting your staff away in its holster. If he had an entire army backing him up, it wasn’t going to do you much good anyway, and there wasn’t exactly a point in killing him if everyone at the Resistance already knew where you were. “I know he-“

                “She,” Poe corrects you.  

                “I know why _she_ would want my son,” you tell him. “But why me?”

                Poe gnaws at the corner of his lower lip as he looks at you, studying you, as if trying to see through you. “He never told you, did he?”

                You roll your head to the side. “No games.”

                “Sorry,” he says as he shakes his head from side to side. “I just- it makes sense. We know that you were his captive on board after an undercover operation went awry. I guess he didn’t explain anything?”

                “Vague questions are going to get vague answers,” you snap. “Stop being obtuse and just tell me.”

                “Kylo Ren,” Poe finally explains. “He never did tell you that his mother is the General of the Resistance, did he?”

                Sadie lets out a little gasp and he immediately turns to her. You’re grateful for this intermission so he doesn’t have the time to study your expression. Kylo Ren’s _mother_ was the leader of the Resistance? You knew he had never told you anything about his past, but what could have happened between them that was so horrible that he would change sides and wage war against his own family? Poe looks back at you, and although you do your best to fix your face, you can’t disguise the effect of this new revelation.

                “So,” you say softly. _This changes things._ “Basically you’re here because the General of the Resistance wants to meet her grandchild?”

                A grin spreads across his face as Ladson loosens the grip on his arms and releases him. “That’s exactly what I’m saying,” he replies. “We’ll take you back with us.” He turns back to Sadie, his eyes dropping to the scar on her neck as he turns to face each one of you in turn. “And anyone who wants to come with is welcome. We know you were all prisoners on the Starkiller Base, and we’re thankful you managed to get out of there before it…” His voice trails off as he gets a good look at your face. “You okay?”

                Your heart has dropped into your stomach, and you feel as though you’re about to be sick. You think tears are pooling in your eyes and so you quickly turn away, pretending to study the tree line as you put your hands on your hips, trying to keep your body language as strong and unaffected as possible. “It’s gone?” Sadie asks quietly, attempting to cover for you.

                “Yeah,” Poe says, the confusion in his voice palpable. “I’m sorry, but-“

                “One of our friends never made it back,” Sadie says quickly. “She tried to save everyone that she could, but uh, we think Shayne was still there. And if the planet’s gone, then that means-“

                “I’m sorry for your loss.” Poe puts a hand on your shoulder to try to comfort you, and you do your best to steady yourself as you turn back around to face him, unable to bring yourself to ask the one question you really need to. Luckily, Ladson comes through for you.

                “But does this mean Kylo Ren is still alive?” he asks. Poe turns to look at him, and you can’t help but shoot a grateful look in his direction as Sadie comes over to squeeze your hand.

                _See,_ her eyes seem to say. _We’ve got your back._

“Alive and kicking,” Poe replies. He sounds stern when he says this, but you can’t help but feel a bubble of elation rise in your chest. He was alive. Kylo was still alive.

                “I want answers,” you say, taking a step forward. “Kylo Ren didn’t tell me anything about his family, his past, what he did, nothing. I want to know everything.”

                “That’s only fair,” he says, his expression suddenly turning serious. “You were his prisoner, and then he forced you to carry his child. I can’t imagine what you must have gone through, but you’ll be safe on D’Qar.”

                “D’Qar?” you ask suspiciously.

                He nods his head slowly. “You know of it?”

                “I know you just told us where your base is,” you tell him. He just shrugs his shoulders.

                “After everything you’ve been through, you have a right to be suspicious,” he admits. “But we’re not trying to hide anything from you. If you come with us, we can give you answers and we can keep you and your son safe. And that’s what matters, right? His safety?”

                Ladson turns to you hesitantly, waiting for your instructions. You know that no matter what you decide to do, he’s not going to leave your side; he’s going to go along with whatever you say. “Fine,” you huff. “When do we leave?”

                “In the morning,” Poe replies. “You’ll find me.” You hate ridiculously vague answers, but you don’t feel like arguing with him right now.

                “Until tomorrow then,” you say with a hint of finality as he turns to leave. You stand there, arms crossed over your chest, watching him walk off. BB-8 seems to turn to him as he lets out a brief series of whistles and beeps.

                “Nah,” Poe says, his voice fading into the distance. BB-8 says something else, and Poe just shakes his head. “Hey, no, be nice. Just think of what she’s been through-“

                “We should talk about this,” you say quickly, turning to Sadie. “Out here.”

                “I’m not going with,” Sadie says immediately. You open your mouth to protest, but she shakes her head. “No, my father needs me here, and besides, I’ve already been on enough adventures for one lifetime. I don’t know if this is some sort of a trap, and I’m not really anxious to find out.”

                “What do you think?” you ask, turning to Ladson. “Think it’s a trap?”

                “Not sure,” Ladson replies. “He seems like the real deal.”

                “That’s probably why they sent him,” you snort, turning to make sure he was really gone. “Send a fantastic actor to trick us into coming with.”

                “Do you think it’s true?” Sadie asks. “Is Kylo Ren’s mother really the head of the Resistance? Why would he be fighting with own mother?”

                “I was thinking the same thing,” Ladson says as they both turn to look at you.

                “I don’t know,” you admit. “I wasn’t lying when I said he seriously didn’t tell me anything. But Poe obviously knows who I am, and he knows who Ani is, so it’s obviously not safe for us to just stay here anymore. Who knows who else will come looking for us?” Kylo Ren had many, many enemies. All someone had to do was let slip to a bounty hunter who you and Ani were, put a nice price on your heads, and you would be in some deep trouble.

                Sadie lets out a deep breath. “What if he comes back?”

                You don’t have to ask her who she’s referring to. “I don’t know when that will be.” You turn to her, putting both of your hands firmly on her shoulders. “If he does come back, don’t look for him. Don’t engage him. I don’t think he knows where you live, just take your father and go somewhere and hide.”

                She bites her lip as she looks at you. “You sound scared.”

                “You know he has a bit of a temper, and I don’t know how he’ll react to find me gone,” you tell her. You don’t tell her that you’re afraid of how much he’s changed in the past few years either. If the Resistance destroyed the Starkiller Base, you could assume that this was a war he was probably losing, and that would only serve to increase his rage.

                “Hey,” Ladson says, turning to face Sadie. “Don’t worry. If this thing goes badly, we’ll get a ship and get out of there, just like we did the last time.” He winks at you, and you let out a breath.

                “Well, he thinks we escaped,” you say with a shrug of your shoulders. “So we should probably figure out some kind of plausible escape plan in case they ask; I don’t know how the Resistance would react if they found out that he just let us go.”

                “I don’t think they really know much of anything,” Sadie says quietly, looking at you. “Especially about what happened between you and Kylo. They think he _forced_ you into having Ani.”

                “Yeah, well,” you let out another breath. “That’s one of the things I guess we’ll find out. I mean, it makes sense. You wouldn’t have to convince anyone working for the Resistance that Kylo Ren is a bad guy. Maybe they don’t know anything besides the fact that we sold off their ship and I had his son. That’s not exactly a lot to go on.”

                “I guess we’ll find out tomorrow,” Ladson says quietly.

                As if on cue, all three of you turn back towards the house, where Ani was waiting quietly inside. “What are you going to tell him?” Sadie asks.

                “The truth,” you say, turning back to face her. “We’re going on an adventure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obligatory disclaimer: please don't jump or run or attempt to parkour down a ravine. I did it a few years back when I was running through a state park, didn't want to go the long way around and attempted to slide down a ravine over a gorge to cross over a large tree that had fallen between the two sides like I had done a dozen times before, but for whatever reason I tripped, fell backwards, and ended up smashing the back of the neck in on an exposed tree root and couldn't get up. I had to be hospitalized and then months of rehab and PT, and that is not fun when you need your hands to work, since I couldn't lift my left arm above my waist or my right arm above chest level. (Yes, I am more or less okay now, thanks for asking! ^_^)
> 
> PS: Staff jobs for interpreters are rare, meaning most work is freelance, which means you have no insurance and you're in business for yourself, so not only are you losing work without pay when you're injured, but you probably have no insurance unless you pay for it yourself. Luckily I was still covered under my parent's insurance and I had saved up enough money to pay the bills in case of an accident, but learn from me and please don't be reckless with yourself if your work depends on you being not-injured. xD (I guess that pretty much applies to everyone though, huh?)
> 
> Okay, that seems like a depressing way to end a chapter, so just scroll up and reread the part about BB-8 rolling repeatedly into Poe's side because I can't get that mental image out of my head and it makes me laugh every time I read it. Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	4. Chapter 4

                “I don’t want to go,” Ani screamed, although screamed was a pleasant way of putting it. He shrieked so loud you swore up and down your ears were going to start bleeding at any second, and a rapid pounding in your temple indicated that a migraine was coming on fast.

                “It’s an adventure,” you yell back, trying to shout over him. “We’re going on a super cool mission, just like when I went on the Starkiller Base. Don’t you want to have a super cool adventure?” 

                “No,” Ani shrieks, and you bury your face in both hands in exasperation as you turn your back on him.

                “ _Help_?” you ask and sign at the same time, throwing your fist into your open palm and raising it in the air between Sadie and Ladson.  

                Sadie just shakes her head and points to the door. “I should go.” Your jaw drops in disbelief. You can’t deal with both her _and_ Ani right now.

                “Let me,” Ladson says, standing up, gesturing for both you and Sadie to go outside. You take one pitiful glance back at Ani, who had thrown himself on the floor in his hysterics, before you follow her out the door.

                “You know, I always had a feeling that kid would be the death of me,” you joke lightly.

                “Not funny,” Sadie tells you, crossing her arms over her chest. “I just, I don’t know, I have a bad feeling about this whole thing.”

                “Of course you do,” you sigh. “You worry too much, although I can’t say that’s really a bad thing with everything that’s happened to us.” Anakin lets out a particularly loud screech from back inside, and you look first to the house, then back at her. “You know, on second thought, maybe I should just hand him over after all.”

                Sadie shakes her head. “You love that kid.”

                “If by love you mean tolerate, then yes, I do love him,” you tell her. “I don’t know, most of the time I can’t help but feel like I’m playing parent to a tiny, miniature Kylo Ren.”

                Sadie just shrugs. “Maybe you are,” she says softly, and you turn to look at her sharply. “I mean, hey, maybe there’s some sort of genetic link that makes the men in his family so cranky,” she offers. “Or maybe it’s a Force thing.”

                You shrug absent-mindedly. “I guess I’ll find out.” A sudden thought strikes you, and you hit her playfully in the shoulder. “Hey, you think Kylo Ren is even his real name?”

                She looks at you and laughs, shaking her short hair out of her face. “Would you even want to know what it is?”

                “I would,” you tell her, dropping your voice to a hushed, yet excited, whisper. “I do want to know, Sadie, I do. Like, I love him, but it’s like I only love half of a person. I don’t know anything about his family, or his past, and this might finally be the chance to get some answers.”

                Sadie twists her mouth into a sad smile. “You know that Hux told me-“

                “I don’t care what Hux told you,” you snap. “Hux is a liar. It’s probably all bullshit anyway.” Sadie rolls her eyes, but you refuse to listen, just like you had every other time she brought it up. You really didn’t care what kinds of shit Hux had told Sadie about Ren while she was briefly his captive. No matter what happened, Hux would probably find a way of twisting anything he did to sound worse than it really was. No, if you were going to learn about Kylo’s past, you wanted to learn from someone who was probably at least as conflicted about it as you were. You wanted to hear it from his mother.

                “Take care of yourself,” she says quietly. “And Ladson. And Ani, especially now that I’m not going to be looking after him. Make sure he eats. And make sure he doesn’t rip the stitches on his pants. And make sure-“

                “You’re not going to come to see us off?” you ask quietly, a bit of emotion creeping into your voice.

                “It’s probably better if I don’t,” Sadie says, looking away from you. “You know…” She lets her voice trail off, and you can’t help yourself. You feel tears spring into your eyes as you wrap your arms around her, burying your face in her shoulder.

                “I love you,” you tell her. You hadn’t held her like this or told her you loved her this strongly since she was a prisoner in Hux’s room, and you had promised her that Kylo was going to rescue her. Now it was you who was heading off into unknown danger, and she who would be left wondering what happened to you. You could only hope that Kylo wouldn’t have to rescue you as well.

                “I love you too,” she echoes, hugging you back. “If you get in any danger, just remember to trust in yourself. Trust in the Force.”

                “I thought you didn’t really like the Force,” you say teasingly as you pull away. “I thought you said it brought nothing but trouble.”

                “Yeah,” Sadie shrugs. “But it’s kept you alive this long, so it has to be good for something, right?”

                You suppress a giggle as Ladson comes out to join you. “Am I going to get a hug too?”

                You watch as he wraps his arms around her, and you have to turn away. “See you, Sadie,” you whisper quietly as you head back inside to where Anakin is packing his stuff. “I see you had a good talk with Ladson?”

                Anakin just nods his head up and down. His face is still red, his cheeks still wet with his tears, but at least he seems calmer. “We’re going on a mission,” he says seriously.

                “A mission,” you say, sitting down on the couch as you try to figure out what Ladson told him. “What kind of mission?”

                “ _Reconnaissance_ ,” he says, although he clearly struggles with the word. “We’re going to be spies.”

                “Spies?” you repeat, tilting your head to the side. “What did he tell you?”

                “That we can’t tell anything to nobody,” Anakin says dutifully. “We are on a secret mission and we can’t talk about the Star Base or dad or anything.”

                You purse your lips as you stare him down. “And did Ladson happen to mention what they would do to you if you told them?”

                His face goes pale and he drops his voice to a whisper. “They’ll eat my nose.”

                Well, at least he wasn’t as smart as Kylo was. Then again, he was still only about five years old. “That’s right,” you say, trying to keep a straight face. “They’ll eat your nose so we got to be super discreet.”

                “Discreet?” he asks, tilting his head to the side.

                “Quiet,” you say, repeating his own words back to him. “We can’t tell anything to nobody.”

                He nods solemnly and you head past him into your own bedroom to pack your own things. Sadie had given you a lot of clothing over the past few years, and so you spread it all out on your bed, picking and choosing what to bring. You had packed way too much stuff when you went to the Starkiller Base, and most if not all of it was gone now, so you wanted to pack sparingly. After a few minutes, you can hear the front door close as Ladson comes in. He trades some words back and forth with Ani before he comes in to talk to you.

                “Still up?” he asks as he peeks his head in your doorway.

                “You know I am,” you say, gesturing for him to shut the door behind him. “You know, you don’t have to come with us. You can stay here with Sadie and start your own life here.”

                He just shakes his head. “That’s not an option.” You wait for him to turn it into some sort of joke, but no, sometimes it seemed as though the old Ladson really and truly was gone. The Ladson that stood in his place was a soldier, compelled to carry out his duty.

                “We’re going to the Resistance,” you insist. “Seriously, you can’t follow Kylo Ren’s orders in there. It just seems, I don’t know, wrong.”  

                “I’m not following orders,” Ladson replies. “Ren relieved me of duty the first night he returned, the night he named Ani.” You spin around to look at him.

                “So you’ve just been here this whole time because-“

                “Because what else am I supposed to do?” Ladson shrugs. “And someone had to take care of the kid. Like it or not, you need looking after. You both do, and I’m most qualified to fill that role.”

                You look down and to the side, feeling a light blush come over your cheeks. “I’m not saying I don’t appreciate having you here, but you deserve to have your own life. Your own family.”

                “You are my family,” he replies without a moment’s hesitation. “You, and Sadie, and Ani. After all we’ve experienced, you’re my family now.”

                You extend your arm in front of you, and he takes your hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze. You really couldn’t have asked for a better best friend. “Then we’ll do this like we’ve done everything else so far,” you tell him. “Together?”

                “Together,” he confirms.

                You fall asleep surprisingly quickly that night, even though you didn’t think you would be able to at all. For the first time, you weren’t thinking about waiting for Kylo Ren to visit you. It had been _years_ , and you didn’t want to spend your life on this planet just waiting for him to return. Besides, if you were heading towards the Resistance headquarters, you might be able to find out more information on where he was, not that you would immediately turn tail and run into his arms. It had been years since you had last seen him, and if this was a war he was indeed losing, you didn’t know how he’d react to seeing you again.

                Or how you’d react to seeing him again. To be honest, you were more than a little nervous about getting the answers to the questions you had been asking yourself all these years. Yes, you wanted to know the truth behind who he was and his past, but at the same time, what if he had done something so unspeakably awful that you couldn’t be with him anymore? You knew that he had done evil things, but it was all well and good when you could simply hide behind generalizations. What if he had done something so truly wicked and depraved that you could not bring yourself to love him anymore? You couldn’t possibly think of anything he could do to starve your affection for him, short of simply abandoning you here, and that was already happening.

                At least you tried to tell yourself that you still loved him. It was much harder now than it had been before, especially when you were so close to getting answers. How could you say you really loved him when you didn’t know anything about his past or who he was when he wasn’t with you? Was that really love, or just blind devotion? And what would you think of him when you finally had answers? What would you finally do when you found out some of the terrible things he had done? Would you still love him then? Would you still want to be with him? Or worse, what would that say about you if you did?

                Then again, it wasn’t just you anymore. You had a son to think about. It was hardly right to keep your son from his father, but right now Kylo didn’t seem all too concerned with that, as he hadn’t visited in quite some time. Kylo would be back to train him, you had a feeling that Snoke would not just simply allow that opportunity to slip away, but what if Kylo wanted to train your son in the Force to groom him into becoming some kind of weapon for the First Order? Didn’t you have a responsibility to stop that from happening? Maybe that was why the General of the Resistance was really offering her protection, not just for you and for Ani, but for the entirety of the Resistance as well.

                That night, as you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep, you made a promise to yourself. As painful as it was sometimes, Anakin was your child, and it was your responsibility to look after him. He was only a child, caught up in something he couldn’t understand, much like how you were on the Starkiller Base. You were going to have to do everything in your power to protect him from being used and manipulated, just like Kylo Ren had protected you. The only difference was that now you had the power to defend him. You had your staff, and you had the Force. Between you and Ladson, you could physically protect Ani from just about anything. But to actually make sage decisions about what to do next? For that you needed answers, and you were only going to get those from the Resistance.

                That morning, Ladson hoists Ani up on his shoulders as you set out to the landing field to leave your academia once again. You have your staff back in your holster at your side, and you’re carrying most of your clothes in the pack on your back. You had hardly left anything behind after all, making sure to pack both of Kylo’s scarves with you. You didn’t know if it felt appropriate bringing them to the Resistance base, but you always slept with one, and it was nice for Anakin to have some small token that once belonged to his father. No matter what you learned at the Resistance base, Kylo _was_ still his father, and there was nothing anyone could do to change that.

                “I don’t like this guy,” you say as you survey the ships all around you. “He says we’ll find him? Just like that? I mean, if he really wants us to come with him so badly, you think he would have at least made himself a little easier to find.”

                “Well, he said he didn’t come alone,” Ladson says. “So the ship’s probably got to be at least a decent size.”

                You keep walking along, Ani surprisingly quiet atop Ladson’s shoulders as he surveys the ships and the people all around him. For some reason, you think you hear a voice calling out to you in the back of your mind, and you stop abruptly in front of a Corellian light freighter that has definitely seen better days. You hadn’t seen one of these in a long while, not since you had worked with that trading crew dabbling in human cargo in your youth. Ladson, who had continued on, stopped to look back at you. “Something wrong?”

                “This, this is a Corellian freighter,” you say, trying to figure out why it seems to be calling out to you.

                “This isn’t just any Corellian freighter,” says a voice from somewhere behind you. “This is the _Millennium Falcon_.”

                “The _Millennium Falcon_?” Ladson asks, tilting his head to the side as he turns around to look at Poe.

                “I swear I’ve heard that name before,” you mutter under your breath, taking a few steps away from him to stand beside Ladson.

                “You probably have,” Poe says, taking a few steps towards the ship as he gazes at it admiringly. “It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.”

                You tilt your head to the side, trying to discreetly whisper something in Ladson’s ear. “Isn’t a parsec a unit of distance, not time?”

                “Don’t question it,” Ladson says quickly, and you roll your shoulders before dropping them dramatically. You weren’t a pilot; it really didn’t make any difference to you.

                “I’m not surprised you recognized it,” Poe continued on. “Ships made by the Corellian Engineering Corporation have a very distinctive look to them as a result of hyperdrive optimization, even the few Star Destroyers that were sub-contracted out to them when Kuat Drive Yards couldn’t keep up with the Empire’s demand.” You turn back to Ladson, who just shakes his head, as Poe continues talking. “This is the YT-1300f model. Since it’s primarily used as an orbital heavy cargo tug and for shuttling lighter cargo between the orbit freight yards and a planet’s surface, I’m guessing while you see a lot of light freighters on this planet, you don’t see a lot of Corellian freighters around here, huh?”

                “No,” Ladson says, shaking his head. “Like you said, this planet isn’t a major trading port, there wouldn’t be a reason to see a ship this powerful here.”

                “Well, come on inside,” Poe says as he cracks a grin and gestures for you to follow him, and you grab Ladson’s hand and give it a quick squeeze before you follow Poe on board. He seems to notice this interaction, as his head tilts to the side in confusion. “You two an item?”

                “No,” you splutter, as if disgusted by the insinuation.

                “I’m her bodyguard,” Ladson says firmly, narrowing his eyes.

                “And besides-“ you want to say more, then decide to just drop it. He doesn’t need to know that your devotion lies solely with Kylo Ren. It would actually probably be best if you kept that to yourself. “It’s none of your business, anyway.”

                “Right,” Poe says with a shrug as he leads the way through the ship, and you can’t help but cross your arms over your chest and scowl as you follow after him.

                “So, you said that you didn’t come alone,” you say firmly. “I don’t see any sort of army.”

                “Oh, not an army,” he says coolly, and you can hear the laughter in his voice. “I was just talking about my co-pilot.”

                You’re about to feel disgusted with yourself when you emerge into the cockpit and suddenly find yourself staring up into the dark eyes of a Wookiee. “Wyaaaaaa.”

                “Hello to you too,” you say, suddenly feeling very, very small. You hadn’t seen a Wookiee in _ages._ You knew they were more or less friendly, but they still were unbelievably tall and furry, like a giant walking carpet. 

                “You speak Shyriiwook?” Poe asks, almost in surprise.

                “And Xaczik,” Ladson replies. “At least partially.”

                “Good to know,” Poe replies as he sits down in the pilot’s chair. He swivels his head around to look at you. “We expecting any more?”

                You don’t trust your voice, and so you just turn to Ladson. “No,” he says firmly, and Poe just nods as his eyes drift upwards to Ani, who was looking around at everything with a childish sense of curiosity.

                “He’s not usually this quiet,” you explain quickly as Ladson hoists him off his shoulders. You push Ani a little ways out in front of you, but he just stands there, chewing on one of the sleeves of his shirt and not making direct eye contact with anything. “Ani, this is Poe. Can you say hi?” Ani just shakes his head from side to side dramatically as Poe cracks a grin.

                “Ani?” Poe says, looking up at you suddenly. “Short for Anakin?” You nod your head slowly. “As in Anakin Skywalker?”

                “Who?” you ask quietly, but Poe doesn’t answer you as he exchanges a look with the Wookiee. You knew that Kylo said he named him after his grandfather, but by the edge in Poe’s voice, it sounded like Anakin Skywalker was someone of note.

                “This here’s Chewbacca, but we just call him Chewie,” Poe says, gesturing towards the Wookiee. Ani reaches out and runs his hand along Chewie’s hairy leg, grabbing a fistful of shaggy fur in between his tiny fingers.

                “No, Ani,” you say quickly, pulling him back away from him. You shoot a quick glance of apology up at Chewie, but he just shrugs good-naturedly.

                “No, it’s all right,” Poe says quickly. You bend down to scold Ani, and you can’t help but notice that Poe is eyeing the scene with interest. “We should take off then.”

                You hear a familiar set of beeps behind you, and you don’t have to turn around to know it’s that BB unit. He stops in front of Ani and makes a quick series of beeps, but Ani just runs around and hides behind you, peeking out from behind your legs. “Sorry,” you say quickly. “He, uh, he’s shy around new people.”

                “That’s okay,” Poe says, leaning forward. “Hey, Ani, have you ever been on a spaceship before?” Ani just shakes his head back and forth again. “Think it’s scary?”

                Ani suddenly steps out from behind you, puffing out his bottom lip. “I’m not scared of _anything_ ,” he says in his childish voice as you share a look with Ladson.

                “’Atta boy,” Poe says, giving you a slight nod to show that it’s time to take off. You turn around and lift Ani into a seat, making sure to buckle him in securely before you sit down and buckle yourself in. Ani looks across the aisle to Ladson, who crosses both fingers and waves them from side to side. _Ready?_

                Ani wiggles his wrist, jerking it up and down in a lazy, affirmative gesture.

                “What’s that?” Poe calls out as the ship starts to rise into the air.

                “Tortuarune,” you respond, putting one hand on Ani’s leg out of a parental sense of protection.

                “Should have guessed that,” Poe says, his hands easily passing over the switches and dials on the console. “There’s quite a few Tortutaru back at base, including Taro’s brother.”

                Your blood suddenly feels like ice in your veins, and you’re not sure if it’s because you’ve reached the cold depths of space, or if it’s because that was a name you never, ever expected to hear again in your entire life. “How do you know that name?” The change in your tone is immediate, almost hostile, and Ladson looks alarmed whereas Ani just looks scared.

                “Mommy, who’s Taro?” Ani asks, but you don’t know how to answer him.

                “We had contact with them,” Poe explains. “Especially in the beginning. We know everything he did, setting-“

                “Stop,” you say quickly, putting your hands over Ani’s ears. “Stop, not here.”

                Poe just nods. “I’m sorry for your loss. You should know he liked that name, though, Taro. He got made fun of just for having one, but he saw it as a gift, from you, and it sure as hell made it easier for us to tell them apart over transmissions.”                

                You smile sadly to yourself as Ani starts to squirm viciously under your hands. “Who’s Taro?” he demands. You don’t answer right away, not fast enough for his liking, and he starts to scream again. “Who’s Taro? Who’s Taro? _Who’s Taro? WHO’S TARO?_ ”

                “Yikes,” you think you can hear Poe say as he turns to Chewie, and Ladson quickly unbuckles himself as he comes around to Ani’s side.

                “He was a friend,” he says quickly. “He was a really good friend of mommy’s and he-“ He looks at you before turning back to Ani. “He gave his life for her. You know what that means, right?”

                “He died?” Ani asks, his voice suddenly soft again. He turns to you for confirmation, and you just nod your head slowly. He drops his head glumly. “Thank you.”

                “No, it’s thanks _Taro_ ,” you explain.

                “Thanks Taro,” Ani repeats obediently.

                Poe has turned around in his chair now, watching the interaction curiously. “We thank people who do nice things for us without getting anything in return,” you tell him. 

                “Ah,” Poe says, nodding quickly as Ani tugs on your sleeve, pointing to Poe with one outstretched finger.

                “Does that mean we thank him too?” he asks, looking up at you. You look up at Poe, who just raises an eyebrow and says nothing. You can’t help but let a blush spread across your face as you tear your eyes away from him.

                “You can say thank you,” you say, looking down at Ani.

                “Thank you, Poe,” Ani says, his tone a bit more chipper than it was a few moments ago.

                “Don’t sweat it, kiddo,” he says, leaning forward. Chewie tells Poe the ship is ready to jump, and Poe turns back around to the console. “Hang on everyone, the _Falcon’s_ jump is extremely fast. Ready Chewie?”

                Chewie emits a growl, and they both push forward on a wide lever in the center of the console, and you can hear the hyperdrive power up instantly, watching the view in front of you almost immediately change into the swirl of hyperspace as you’re driven back in your seats in the fastest jump you’ve ever experienced. “Like I said, she’s fast,” Poe laughs as he turns back to Ani. “Hey, we’ve got some things for the grown-ups to discuss. Would you like to take a special VIP tour of the ship?”

                Ani looks up at you, his eyes wide with childish excitement, but you’re less sure. “Alone?” you ask cautiously.

                “Nah,” Poe says. “I’ll send BB-8 with him.” The droid beeps mechanically next to you, but you’re still not convinced. Ani hadn’t really seemed to take a liking to him, and you had technically threatened to dismantle the droid. For all you knew, he would take out revenge on you through your son.

                Chewie lets out a rumble from the seat in front of you, and Poe turns to look at him. “Really, you sure?”

                “You don’t have to,” you add quickly, leaning forward in your seat, although you can’t really get a good look at his face from this angle. Chewie just shrugs, and he makes another low sound in his throat as he gets up.

                “Can I, mom?” Ani asks, practically bouncing in his seat.

                You sigh and rub your face with both hands. “Ask Ladson.”

                “Can I, Ladson?” Ani asks, his head dramatically snapping to the other side of his body.

                “Have fun, Ani,” Ladson sighs as he undoes the buckle. Ani cheers and Chewie scoops him up in his large furry arms as he and BB-8 head out of the cockpit. The three of you watch them go silently before you get up and slip into Chewie’s chair to get a better look at the supermassive stars and the large nursery nebulae through the walls of the vortex as they zip by.  

                You’re quiet, just taking it all in, how big it is, how silent it is, how dark and cold it all is. Somewhere out there, Kylo Ren was probably on another military installation, on another planet, just stalking back and forth through the corridors. Were you getting closer to him? Or further away?

                “I’m sorry,” Poe says at length, and you turn to him sharply, eyebrows raised. “For what you went through.” He turns to Ladson and dips his head, indicating him too, before he turns back to you. “Taro told us what he was doing, putting the wall in your head, using you to draw out Kylo Ren. If it makes you feel any better, he didn’t want to do it. We heard about what Ren did, when he almost choked you to death-“ You chuckle in spite of yourself, but Poe keeps talking. “-he didn’t want to continue with any of it. He wanted to tell you the truth right then, but at that point it seemed too dangerous to.”

                “Why didn’t you tell us the truth?” you demand. “Why didn’t you tell us that we were basically being led to our deaths if we were discovered? Why not get our consent beforehand?”

                “To be fair, we thought we had it,” Poe shrugs. “I wasn’t really in on the whole thing, but apparently B told us that he warned you of the risks and dangers ahead of time. It wasn’t until you all were already on board that he revealed that he hadn’t actually told you anything. At that point, it was too late to back out.”

                Ladson speaks up from behind him. “You’re lucky she was on board,” he says seriously, jerking her head over to you. “She’s the one who got Ren to spare our lives. Couldn’t save B or C, or the Tortutaru, but she saved me and Sadie.”

                Poe senses something in his voice, and looks between Ladson and yourself. “How bad was it?” he asks quietly, as if he’s afraid to know the answer.

                “Sadie was the private captive of General Hux,” Ladson explains. “I think you saw the mark around her neck yesterday?”

                “I did,” Poe confirms.

                “That’s the scar she got when Ren used his lightsaber to cut through a collar around her neck,” Ladson tells him, saying each word as slowly as possible to make sure it sunk in. “Sadie was only in that position because of the Resistance, and she was only freed because of her,” he says, gesturing to you as he speaks. “You don’t even want to know what she had to do in exchange for rescuing her.”

                You brush your thumb up and down against your lower lip and stare out the cool glass in front of you as you listen to Ladson talk. You knew why he was trying to make it sound more dramatic than it was, wanting to make sure it was clear that you had no loyalties to Kylo Ren in any way, making it seem like you all had been prisoners there from start to finish, but a small part of you couldn’t tell if what he was saying was true or not. True, you hadn’t been the one to rescue Sadie, it felt like you had only served a very small part in her overall rescue, and yet, hadn’t at least a part of you manipulated Kylo in order to get him to rescue her? Had he been kind simply of his own accord, or had you used your wit to coax him into doing it? Too many years had gone by, and you could no longer be sure.

                “I’m sorry,” Poe says as he turns to you. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but you’re going to be safe with the Resistance, I can promise you that.”

                “Thanks,” you say quietly, and you let the corner of your lip pull into a soft smile as you look at him.

                Poe seems to relax as he smiles back at you in earnest. “I think we got off on the wrong foot,” he says, putting one hand behind his head. “I know you have no reason to trust us after all you’ve been through in the name of the Resistance, but we’re not bad guys, believe me.”

                “Well, if you’re any indication,” you say sarcastically, but Poe just sits there and laughs.  

                “Okay, so come on,” he says, leaning forward in his chair. “One pilot to another, you got to tell me how you got off the Starkiller Base.” You lean back in your chair and cross your arms over your chest. “Oh come on, escaping from the Starkiller Base couldn’t have been easy; I’ve escaped from one of their Star Destroyers but their base is something else entirely. I should know; I was there when we destroyed it, and that wasn’t a piece of cake. I’m sure you two have got one hell of a story.”

                “You tell it,” you say, gesturing towards Ladson. “You were the pilot, after all. One pilot to another.”

                You knew it wasn’t exactly fair to throw Ladson under the bus like this, but at the same time, you didn’t know how to explain that Kylo had voluntarily sent you off the base for your safety. You couldn’t tell him that, not really, not ever. If they did, they might think that you were sympathetic to the First Order and lock you up when you got to the Resistance Base. Of course, you had no way of knowing if that’s what they were already planning to do, but your intuition told you that they were actually looking forward to your arrival.

                “Okay,” Ladson says, letting out a deep breath. He looks at you, and you can immediately tell he is regretting the fact that you forgot to rehearse a story last night. “Considering that the First Order takes operational security very seriously, there was no possible way I was stealing one of their heavy cargo rams or a light battle cruiser, let alone one of the SF fighters, so finding a ship that wasn’t heavily guarded _and_ powerful enough to make it off the planet wasn’t exactly easy.”  

                “Go on,” Poe says, a look of good humor playing on his face.

                “So,” Ladson continues. “First I snuck in and scouted the flight line to find a ship that would work. I finally found my break in one of their side hangars where I discovered a small fleet of maintenance transports. Unfortunately, the First Order doesn’t seem to trust their maintenance and custodial corps, so the transports are only fueled to the minimum amount required to travel from garrison to garrison, both to save on fuel consumption and to discourage, well, _unauthorized_ maneuvers. Luckily, they’re all equipped with rudimentary Class-9 hyperdrives just in case they have to double as lifeboats for planetary evacuation, so once we made it off planet, we could just jump straight to hyperspace and head back home.”

                You stare at Ladson. It all sounds smart enough to your ignorant ears, but you have no clue if Poe is buying any of it. His face is giving nothing away as he simply gestures for Ladson to continue his story.

                “Well, given all the extra materials the First Order added to the armed quarter so they could directly store stellar energy without fatally irradiating the weapon crew, the planet’s gravity is much higher on that side, even with all the extra ballast they added around the far-side intake port to prevent tidal disintegration. There was only one transport in the hangar with enough fuel to make it out of the planet’s gravity well, but it required a straight vertical path and repulsors at full power: a repurposed armored freighter they used for trips to the intake port. Coincidentally, the armor meant we could fly perpendicularly through the planetary shield without being shredded. When the moment was right, we grabbed the ship during a duty section turnover to improve our chance for a successful escape.”  

                “So let me get this straight, even though the hangar staff was doing turnover, you took a _straight vertical path_ from the armed quarter hangar bay? That is literally the most dangerous path you could take, even if you don’t take their shield into account. Regardless of the turnover, there are still hundreds of turbolaser banks and a dozen missile batteries defending that airspace, and they’re never unmanned,” Poe says. “How did you manage to get past them without being shot down? With that many guns it doesn’t matter if the ship is equipped with heavy shielding. Plus, there’s the constant fighter patrols…”

                Ladson looks to you for help, and you could tell that although he was spouting off whatever information he learned about _how_ to get off the planet, he didn’t really know how to produce a plausible theory of your escape. “That was me.” Poe turns and regards you with interest, but you have absolutely no idea what to say. You barely even remembered getting off the hangar, although you did remember that one Storm Trooper who had stared you down for wearing Kylo Ren’s scarf as you headed off.

                “Well, as Ladson said, the controllers were in the middle of a turnover, so they were all in one place.”

                “And?” Poe asks.

                “And I knocked them out with my staff,” you tell him. “Ladson helped me escape, I found the controllers, and I knocked them all out with my staff, every last one of them. Ladson was in his Storm Trooper uniform and made it look like he was escorting me out of the base, and we managed to make it to the ship and escape from there.”

                Poe tilts his head to the side, and you know he smells bullshit. “Uh-huh.” Luckily, Ladson is quick to intervene.

                “With the controllers out of the picture, the gunners weren’t an issue, since they’d have no reason to fire on a friendly craft without a direct targeting order from central control, and without an interception order, all the fighters saw was a friendly heavy freighter leaving the planet at full power. Nothing unusual there.”

                You still sense Poe’s suspicion, and you try to do anything in your power to cover your tracks, trying to deflect the situation onto him. “It’s just curious to me how you were able to destroy the Starkiller Base,” you tell him. “Especially with all the turbolasers, missiles, and fighter patrols that you mentioned.” You cross your arms over your chest and look at him expectantly.

                Poe looks at you and chuckles. If he senses your misdirection, he doesn’t seem at all fazed by it. “It’s hard to hit incoming fighters with ground defenses since their targeting positions are nearly impossible to forecast due to their high speed and small size,” Poe explains smoothly. “So their ballistic predictors malfunction, and although their fighter pilots were better than the Empire’s ever were, they only have so many squadrons to pursue enemy fighters. I managed to shake my first tail, and the rest of my squadron was able to keep them off my back so I could fire the final shot.”

                “Fair enough,” Ladson murmurs.  

                “And where did you learn to be a pilot?” Poe asks, turning to face him.

                Ladson glances at you, and you sulk, crossing your arms over your chest. It was obvious you weren’t going to be able to bullshit your way out of this, although that didn’t mean that Poe needed to know the whole truth either. “He was trained aboard the Starkiller Base.”

                Poe looks visibly taken aback. “They were training a POW not only how to pilot a ship but also how to get off the Starkiller Base?” He looks between you and Ladson.

                “We bribed the controllers,” you say immediately. “Grabbed the ship, left through the corridor in the shield-“

                “-it was smooth sailing from there,” Ladson says casually.

                “Bribed with what?” Poe asks, but you just shake your head.

                “A gentleman wouldn’t ask and a lady wouldn’t tell,” you say curtly, hoping that the blow to your innocence would be enough to drop the line of inquisition.

                “They would let two Resistance POWs go in exchange for sexual favors?” Poe asks. “I’m sorry, you’re very pretty, but I doubt that.”

                Your face turns bright red, and you would have punched him in the arm if Ladson hadn’t done it for you. Poe grimaces as he rubs his arm but doesn’t protest; he knew he had it coming.

                “Just tell him,” Ladson sighs, turning his back on you. “He knows we’re full of shit anyway.”

                “Not totally,” you tell him. “You did learn how to fly on the Starkiller Base.” You turn back to Poe. “Kylo Ren let us go.”

                “Kylo Ren let you go?” he asks. “Just like that?” You rub your upper arm uncomfortably and look away. “Okay, now I know you’re full of it. You’re saying Kylo Ren just let you go without anything in return?”

                You don’t answer, and Poe holds up his hands. “Okay, fine, don’t tell me how you escaped. I was just trying to make friendly small talk.” Ladson grumbles something about going to check on Ani, and heads out of the cockpit.

                You sit there in uncomfortable silence with Poe, almost wishing that you had gotten up to go with him. “Hey,” Poe says quietly, and you turn around to face him. “You okay?” You just shrug and look back out the window. “I don’t think this will help you feel any better, but uh, you know that mind probe thing he does? He did it to me too.”

                “Yeah?” you ask dryly. You weren’t quite sure why he said it like it was supposed to be some sort of intimate bonding moment; Kylo Ren did that to literally everyone. It was only intimate when he had done it with _you._

                “Yeah,” he says. “So I know how painful it can be.” You don’t say anything. “I can’t imagine what sort of stuff he did to you-“

                You think about all the other kinds of _stuff_ Kylo had done to you, stuff that Poe probably couldn’t even dream of, and you let a grin cross your face before you’re even aware of it as you bite your lip. Poe stares at you in confusion, and you just shake your head. “You don’t know the half of it.”

                “We know he almost killed you,” Poe says firmly. “But I just want to let you know that you’ll be among friends at the base.”  

                “Friends?” you repeat, forcing a laugh. You had been to the First Order’s base and you had seen how relationships were handled on a military installation. There was no need for friendships, no need for anything outside of the officially structured hierarchy. “Are you really _friends_ with anyone on base? Aren’t you just a delivery boy?”

                “I guess some people call me that,” he says with a shrug. “Other people call me Black Leader, or Commander Poe Dameron, leader of both the Blue and Red Squadrons of the Resistance.”

                Your jaw drops slightly as you raise your eyebrows in surprise. “Commander?”

                “You see,” he says with a cheeky grin. “I told you I wasn’t going to impress you with idle flirtations.”

                You bite your lip and look away. “So we’re important enough for them to send a _Commander_ all this way to pick me and Ani up?”

                “Things are different in the Resistance,” Poe tells you. “But I think you’re going to like it there.” He winks in your direction, but you just shake your head. “So, what do you say? Friends?”

                You exhale a long breath through your nose before you thrust your hand out in front of you. “Friends.” He shakes on it, a good firm grip, and you can’t help but feel his tough, calloused skin underneath your sensitive palms.

                “But if we’re going to be friends, you have to teach me how to use a stick like that,” he tells you.

                “Staff,” you correct him.              

                “Stick, staff,” he shrugs. “You really got me good there. Not many people have been able to sneak up on me before.”

                “Yeah, well, you better watch your back around me,” you say firmly. “Friends or not, once we get to that base, I’m not letting Ani out of my sight.”

                He just shakes his head and grins as he looks back outside. “General Organa is going to love you.”

                You purse your lips together as you mimic his pose, looking into the darkness of space stretching on and on ahead of you. So Kylo Ren’s mother had a name. _General Organa._ You couldn’t wait to meet her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter!! Big thanks to J.A.M. for letting me pick his brain about how tech stuff works in the Star Wars universe. Now I'm glad all those science and engineering classes I took in college are paying off because apparently space flight is really, really complicated stuff. Stay in school, kids, knowledge is power!! ;)
> 
> Also, yes, Taro's brother!! TARO IS GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN. <3
> 
> Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	5. Chapter 5

                 You hold Ani’s small hand in yours as you disembark off the ship. It had been a long journey, and although you had spent pretty much all of your time on board around Poe, you still couldn’t decide just how to feel about him. Your intuition told you that you could trust him, and yet he was with the Resistance, the people who had almost had you killed off in the first place. You had never met anyone else from the Resistance, and so you supposed all of your bias towards them was being placed on Poe’s shoulders, much like you had placed your bias of the First Order on Kylo Ren. But Kylo Ren had not been totally evil, and so you supposed that Poe was probably not absolutely terrible either. He was also friendly and playful around Ani, which helped you feel at least a little better.

                “You’re back!”

                “Finally!”

                You watch as Poe ran out ahead of you and was immediately embraced by two people, a dark-skinned man in a brown jacket and a girl in a white tunic with her short brown hair pulled into three little loops behind her head. “You miss me?” Poe asks, squeezing each one in turn, literally lifting them up off the ground with the force of his hugs.

                You turn to Ladson, seeing your own fear echoed in his eyes. “What sort of hell did he bring us to?” you whisper under your breath.

                “Is it too late to go home?” Ladson whispers back.

                “Let’s steal the ship and run,” you reply.  

                But now they’ve all turned to face you, and you suck in a deep breath as you approach them, letting Ani hover behind you as he walks. Their faces are all smiling and joyous and welcoming, and you would almost think this was rehearsed in some way if you hadn’t just spent your entire flight with Poe. This was clearly a much different military installation than the one the First Order directed. “Hi,” you say quietly, forcing a tight smile to your own lips. Poe says your name and gestures to you dramatically, taking a steep bow at his waist.

                “Hi,” the boy says, stepping forward. “I’m Finn.” He pulls you into a tight one-armed hug, and you hug him back, clearly not expecting it.

                “Rey,” the girl says as she embraces you, and you let your chin rest uncomfortably on her shoulder as you hug her back.

                “This is Anakin, but we usually just call him Ani,” you say, dropping your head to look at him. You’re expecting to have to draw him out, but Ani surprises you by stepping forward and looking up at each one of them in turn, tilting his small head to the side with curiosity.

                “Hey Ani,” Rey says in a playful voice as she stoops down to his level, and you notice that Anakin is looking at her with a peculiar expression on his face. As Ladson steps forward to introduce himself, that’s when you notice it too. There was something about the two of them, although you couldn’t help but let your attention shift towards the girl, Rey. She was pretty, sure, with a huge smile that seemed to be oozing positivity, but you couldn’t help but feel like there was something else there, something that you were missing, although you couldn’t quite pick up on what it was.

                It’s silent for a moment, and as her eyes meet yours, it’s suddenly obvious to everyone that you’re staring at her. She blushes and looks down for a moment, skirting her gaze to the side before she looks back up at you, but you don’t so much as flinch or look away as you try to figure out what’s bothering you about her. Finally, your mind settles on what it is. “You,” you say quietly. “You’re Force-sensitive.”

                She raises her eyebrows but doesn’t seem all that surprised while Poe literally does a double-take. “I can feel it in you as well,” Rey says quietly, but she tilts her head to the side, as if she doesn’t quite understand something. “Who trained you?”

                You just blink and let your gaze fall. Apparently you had let yourself slip without even realizing it. There was no good answer but the truth. “Kylo Ren.”

                Poe opens his mouth and then shuts it again, as if he feels like this should have been information that he should have picked up on after spending the last few days with you. Rey and Finn share a look before they both just look down and aside, like they weren’t quite sure what they should say.

                “Dad?” Ani asks, looking up at you. He flinches suddenly, as if he realized he wasn’t supposed to say anything, and covers his nose with the palm of his tiny hand.

                “Hey little man,” Finn says, crouching down. “You want to see your new room?” Anakin bobs his little head firmly up and down. “Okay, let’s go then.” Finn looks at you for approval, and you nod your head before he hoists Ani up on his shoulders, grinning as Ani emits a childish squeal of delight.

                “It’s okay,” Rey says quietly with a reassuring smile, and she takes your upper arm in both hands as she starts to lead you after Finn and Ani.

                “You’re not coming?” you ask, turning back to face Poe.

                He looks genuinely surprised, but quickly recovers himself. “Got some things to tend to,” he says, jerking his head back towards the ship. “But you’ll see me around.” With a final wink, he heads off, and you let Rey lead you down the corridor, a little bit behind Finn.

                Rey looks at you sheepishly before she looks away again, and you’re at least glad that you’re not the only one that feels awkward about this whole situation. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” you confess, more to yourself than to her.

                “Don’t worry,” she says in that same reassuring tone. “You’re safe here. Leia’s going to explain everything soon.”  

                “Leia?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. “Is that the name of his mother?”

                She seems confused, and her expression seems to say _Whose mother?_ before her head bobs up and down in understanding. She’s wearing that same sad expression on her face that you had seen Poe wear back on the _Falcon_ , and for a moment you think you can hear her words before she says them.

                “I’m sorry,” she says quietly. “For everything he’s done to you. We heard about what happened, and I can’t imagine-“

                “It’s fine,” you say quickly. If everyone was going to start apologizing to you every time they saw you, you were not going to last long here. There was only so much sympathy you could take, especially when you knew that there would be nothing for them to feel sympathetic about, if they knew the truth, but that was exactly why you couldn’t think about this around Rey. She had to have been pretty strong in the Force for you to be able to sense her as well as you did, which meant that she could probably get into your mind as easily as Kylo had. You could only hope that you would at least be strong enough to shield your mind and block her intrusions, should that become necessary.

                You follow them wordlessly through the base, with Ladson bringing up the rear. You pass a lot of humans and aliens as you walk, and pretty much all of them greet Rey and Finn, some of them by name, and you’re beginning to suspect that maybe Poe wasn’t bluffing when he said that everyone was friends on base. It was certainly a different atmosphere than the First Order, at any rate. While the Starkiller Base had seemed downright clinical, this place seemed a lot less formal, a lot more casual, as if it was just a bunch of people who had banded together for a common purpose instead of a structured regime.

                Finally, Finn stops in the middle of a corridor and opens a door on his left with a keycard he pulled out of his jacket, handing it to you after he swipes it over a small pad next to the door. “Thanks,” you say, taking it quickly. You put it away, but don’t ask the first question on your mind: _Who else has a key to this room?_ Ladson should get one, obviously, but who else had access to your quarters while you were sleeping?

                You follow Finn, Ani and Rey into a decent sized living room, with a few couches and chairs and a table set up. Ani runs to each article of furniture in turn, touching everything, as if making sure that it’s all real. Finn and Rey both gaze at you expectantly, anxiously, as if to make sure you like it, and you force a smile to your lips. “It’s nice,” you say at length. It wasn’t as nice as Kylo Ren’s quarters had been, but it was considerably nicer than the place you had called home for the past few years. It was the nicest place Ani had ever been in, anyway.

                “There’s two bedrooms,” Rey says, pointing to each door in turn at either end of the apartment. “There’s a queen sized bed in there, and two twin sized beds in there.”

                “Come on,” Ani grabs Ladson’s hand, and he pulls him towards one of the doors. “Let’s pick out our beds.”

                Ladson allows himself to be led into the other room, while you turn back to Rey and Finn. “They, uh, slept in the same room back at home,” you offer as means of explanation. “I take it you already know who Ani’s real father is.”

                “The name sort of gives it away,” Finn jokes.

                You shrug your shoulders uncomfortably as you look away, but Rey puts a hand comfortingly on your arm. “You’re safe here now.”

                “Thanks,” you say, forcing a tight smile to your lips. She was more powerful than you, you could sense it, but you didn’t know if she was more or less powerful than Kylo. He had probably gotten more powerful than the last time you saw him, too, but you had no real way of knowing. “Look, I know you guys probably know everything about Kylo Ren, but I don’t, and neither does Ani, so-“

                “We’re not going to say anything,” Rey says quickly, shaking her head.

                “Not our place,” Finn adds, and there’s a note of sincerity in his voice that you appreciate.

                “Thanks,” you say quickly. “So, um, how did you two join up with the Resistance?”

                Rey looks at Finn and laughs as she throws back her head, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “It’s quite a story,” she tells you, clutching Finn’s arm.

                “Long story short, I’m an ex-Storm Trooper who picked Rey up on Jakku-“

                “Oh, _you_ picked _me_ up?” Rey interrupts teasingly. “If I remember correctly, I was the one-“

                “- _trying_ to evade the First Order,” he explains as he grins at her. “I crashed there with Poe and we were trying to find BB-8-“ He stops talking as he sees the look on your face. “What? Something I said?”

                “Ex-Storm Trooper?” you ask, and you can hear Ladson come into the room from behind you.

                “Are you talking about me?” Ladson asks, and you can tell by the edge in his tone that he’s not happy about you outing him.

                “Actually, him,“ you say, drawing out your words slowly as you point towards Finn.

                Finn looks between you two before he makes the connection. “We knew you guys were captives up there-“ he turns hesitantly to Ladson. “-but they really started to train you as Storm Trooper?” Ladson bows his head in a curt nod. “Man, I-“ He shakes his head, as if he doesn’t quite know what to say.

                You shuffle awkwardly from foot to foot, and you can literally hear Ladson swallow the lump in his throat beside you. “If you want, we have some guys,” Finn gestures vaguely in the direction of the door. “I’ll introduce you to them some time. It might help.”

                “Thanks,” Ladson says quickly, and they leave it at that. You had no idea what Ladson had been through, but if there was some sort of ex-Storm Trooper support group on board, Ladson could probably benefit from it. He never talked to you about it, knowing you could never understand what he had been through, and in a way, he was right. At least this way he could meet people who had been through a similar experience.

                “And Ren started to train you in the Force?” Rey asks, turning to you. “Do you know what he wanted to use you for?”

                “I don’t know,” you say quietly. “I’m not very strong. I-I probably can’t do much, you know, just basic things.”

                “Can I?” she asks. She steps forward and offers both hands out in front of her, palms up, fingers spread. You put your palms up against each of her hands, and interlace your fingers together. She closes her eyes and you do the same, immediately feeling an electric current spread between you. You had felt a similar current run between you and Kylo, but this was different. His had been charged with passion and a lingering undercurrent of enticing desire, but hers felt more along the lines of hugging Sadie. You felt a sort of warmth, like feeling the sunshine on your face after a long rainstorm. The connection between you was shy, not quite anxious, but full of an open vulnerability.

                _I want to be your friend._

You think you can hear her words in your head, and you open your eyes to make sure. Her head is bowed in concentration, eyes still shut, but her face is relaxed, and it’s immediately clear to you that she hadn’t been speaking. You had heard her voice in your head after all, you were sure of it. As if sensing that you had severed the connection, Rey opens up her eyes a moment later, and smiles at you with a tight-lipped, knowing smile. You nod at her and release your hands, while Ladson and Finn look silently on.

                “I think you’re stronger than you realize,” Rey says at length, but you don’t know if she really means it, or if she’s just trying to be nice. If anything, you don’t think she tried to probe your thoughts, none of the familiar sensations were there, so that was a good thing. You had a feeling that she was going to find out sooner or later what had really transpired on the Starkiller Base, that they all were going to find out sooner or later, but you couldn’t tell if that was because of the Force or because of a nagging sense of anxiousness.

                There’s a knock on the door, and Poe sticks his head in a moment later. “Am I interrupting something?”

                “Not a thing,” Rey replies immediately, and you just nod your head quickly in confirmation. The Force had been something of an unspoken thing aboard the First Order base, but you were quickly getting a sense that it was a much more open topic to be discussed here. Even still, you didn’t want to be too open about it, not when you didn’t know who knew what about you. It would just be sagacious to keep all your cards close to your chest right now, until you figured out who you could trust.

                “The General’s ready to see you now, if you’re up for it,” Poe says, looking at you.

                “Already?” you ask, tilting your head to one side. You figured they were going to keep you here for days, weeks even, dangling bits of information in front of you like a carrot on a string.

                “If this isn’t a good time-“ Poe starts, but you just shake your head quickly.

                “Ladson, stay with Ani?” you ask, turning to him. He bows his head in a brief nod as you turn to Rey and Finn. “And, um, thank you-“

                “You’ll see us again soon,” Finn tells you, and Rey nods in agreement. You nod your head slowly and slip your pack off your back and hand it to Ladson, but make sure to keep your keycard and staff with you. There was no way you were going anywhere on this base without your staff. You can see Poe eying it warily before you step out into the corridor with him.

                “I’m guessing you have that with you at all times?” Poe asks, walking just a step in front of you in the narrow corridor.

                “Always,” you reply. “Never know when it might come in handy.”

                “To be fair, you had no reason to trust me,” Poe continues. “But can I at least ask that you not attempt use that on the General? She’s not going to be very-“

                “Wow,” you say with a laugh as you shake your head. “Way to make me sound like some sort of First Order savage. I don’t just go around attacking people for no reason.”

                “I’m just saying,” he says, holding up his hands defensively. “She wants to see you alone. I just want to make sure no one gets hurt.”

                “No one’s going to get hurt,” you say quickly. Poe seems to hesitate for a moment before he grabs your arm and pulls you into a nearby alcove so you weren’t blocking the hallway.

                “I need to warn you,” he says softly. “You’re going to hear stuff you’re not going to like.”

                You look once to the right, then to the left. Shouldn’t that have been obvious? “And?”

                “And you’re sure you can handle this?” he asks. He’s studying you closely, as if waiting for your reaction.

                “The guy tortured me, right?” you ask. “Almost killed me? I’m pretty sure I can take learning about whatever else he’s done.”

                Poe nods his head. “Fair enough.” You follow him through the corridors, almost annoyed by how everyone seems to acknowledge him and greet him by name. Did everybody really know everybody else here? Or was it just because he was a Commander? No, they had been this way around Finn and Rey too. Everyone here seemed too joyful and welcoming to be really fighting a war. Honestly, you couldn’t imagine any of them going out and actually attacking someone, much less killing them. And yet apparently this was a war that they were not only fighting, but winning? It didn’t make any sense to you.

                Poe stops in front of a large set of double doors. “This leads to the command center,” he informs you. “She’s in there, but I’ll be right outside-“

                “I’m not going to do anything,” you say, a bit offended that he still didn’t seem to trust you. Not that you had really given him a reason to, anyway.

                “-if you need someone for moral support,” he finishes, and you at least have the decency to flush in embarrassment.

                “Okay then,” you tell him. “But I’m not going to need moral support. I have me, and that’s enough.”

                He offers you a sad smile, and you realize how pitiful that must have sounded to him. But it was true though. All those days you had spent locked alone in Kylo’s room had given you a sense of self that no one could take away from you. You knew who you were. You knew what you could and could not handle, and you were not going to let anything stop you from getting the answers you sought about the past of Kylo Ren.

                “Here we go,” you mutter to yourself. You take a deep breath in, let it out, and walk into the command center.


	6. Chapter 6

                The inside of the First Order’s command center had been a lot nicer. It had been clean, polished, and pristine and although you had at first been daunted by its grandeur, you had come to expect it from the First Order. The Resistance command center wasn’t shabby or dirty, per say, but you could tell that cleanliness clearly wasn’t a priority here. And you supposed that was fair. It looked like this was a room that was visited frequently by many different people, and they probably didn’t have the numbers to assign any one person to scour it clean like the First Order did. At least it meant that they weren’t trying to put on pretenses, or maybe they just had no one they were concerned with impressing.

                You see a woman standing with her back towards you at the other end of a circular console. You make your way around the structure, past the flashing panels and colorful knobs, vaguely wondering what they are used for until you come to a stop beside her. She says your name, and you just bow your head, trying to be respectful of her position. You weren’t about to drop to one knee, but you weren’t quite sure how to address her either. Suddenly she turns to you and sweeps you up in her arms, and you allow yourself to be embraced, arms pressed uncomfortably into your sides. She pulls away from you as she looks you over, and you can see that she’s older by the lines in her stern face, and yet, she was still quite beautiful, hair swept into an up-do that you would have no idea how to pull off if you tried. You look her over, almost a bit disappointed to realize that she doesn’t really look much like Kylo. Maybe he inherited strong genes from his father? If so, that seemed to run in the family.

                 “General,” you say softly, still not sure how else to address her.

                “You can call me Leia,” she says, pushing the corners of her lips into a tight-lipped smile. “How was your trip here?”

                “It was, uh, interesting,” you tell her, not knowing quite how else to describe it. “You didn’t need to send your Commander to get us, though.”

                She laughs, and her hair shakes lightly but stays in place. “Poe? Oh, yes.” She smiles and shakes her head, as if she’s enjoying some little private joke that you’re not in on. “Yes, he warned me about how you got the jump on him. Knocked him out with your staff.”

                Your jaw drops open. You had hardly been here for any time at all and Poe was already tattling on you for knocking him out? “In my defense-“

                “You were protecting your son,” she says, her eyes gleaming. “From one mother to another, I wouldn’t have expected anything less. He tells me you named him Anakin.”

                “I didn’t,” you tell her. “Kylo did.”

                “Kylo,” she muses, imitating your inflection. “I have not heard anyone call him that-“ She shakes her head as she lets out a heavy sigh. “Usually most people just call him Ren now.”

                “That’s what most people in the First Order call him too,” you tell her. “Which is why I call him Kylo.”

                She stares you down, and you stare right back, letting a silent understanding come between you. “You have the Force too,” you tell her, posing it more as a statement than a question.

                “I do,” she confirms. “I felt it when your son was first born; I felt something in the Force.” You swallow the lump in your throat, trying to make the motion seem as inconspicuous as possible. “I’m sure others felt it too.”

                “Like Snoke?” you ask. “What do you know about him?”

                Leia shakes her head as she takes a seat, and gestures for you to do the same. There are no chairs nearby and so you retrieve one from a nearby console before you sit down beside her. It’s uncomfortable, and quite frankly, you preferred to stand, but you didn’t want to tower over her. You worked as an interpreter for long enough to be familiar with the body language of power plays, and so you knew it would be better to stay seated. Exhaling a heavy breath through your nostrils, you crossed your left leg over your right knee, and gripped it tightly in both hands, mentally preparing yourself for whatever you’re about to hear.

                “I think it’s best if you told me about him first,” she says gently. “Have you talked to anyone else about what you’ve been through?”

                “My friends know,” you tell her, purposely neglecting to mention which friends. Then again, if people had been spying on you, she probably knew who you were talking about anyway. She watches you patiently, waiting for you to continue. “You know I was his captive there, right? The others think he tortured me.”

                “Mm,” she says, noncommittally, and you’re perturbed by the fact that you can’t quite read her expression. Maybe that was a trait Kylo had inherited from his mother after all.

                “It wasn’t all bad,” you tell her, letting out a deep breath. “I mean, yeah, he did choke me with that Force grip-“ you rub your neck with your fingertips at the recollection. “-but B told you about that, right?” She nods her head solemnly but says nothing. “Yeah,” you let out a deep breath. “He could have killed me, but he uh, he didn’t.”

                It’s clear she’s not going to talk again until she hears what she wants from you, and so you decide right then to just put it all out on the table. If she was going to give you the answers that you wanted, then you saw no reason not to extend her the same courtesy. “Yeah, so, I don’t know how much you know. Taro put the wall in my head to get Ren interested in me and, it uh, worked. But then B got discovered and Ren killed him, and C, and the rest of the Tortutaru, except Taro. He died trying to escape, well, he died because he stopped to try to save me first, he wanted me to escape with him, but I stayed behind to try to help my friends escape. And I did. One of my friends was a personal captive to General Hux, and I managed to free her and send her home, I mean, Kylo freed her.” She looks at you appraisingly, and you offer a genuine smile in her direction. “He really did, Kylo saved her life and sent her home, no questions asked.”

                She purses her lips as she looks down, as if trying to steady her thoughts for a moment. “Do you know how the First Order found out about the assignment?”

                _I accidently told Kylo that Sadie knew about our relationship right before we fucked for the first time and when he probed her mind to find out what she knew about us, he ended up finding out that she knew more than she was supposed to._

                “Not sure,” you reply, pulling your long hair over your left shoulder in your signature tic.

                “And this girl,” Leia continues. “He rescued her?” 

                “She’s like a sister to me,” you tell her. “Kylo knew how much she meant to me and so when he found out she was being kept captive, he helped free her, and he sent her back home.”

                “Why do you think he did that?” Leia asks, tilting her head to the side as she leans back in her chair. You know at once that this isn’t a simple question, that she’s waiting for you to impart some deeper bit of insight into his character, but her question is going to get a simple answer nonetheless.

                “Because he can be a good person when he wants to be,” you tell her.

                “You believe that.” It strikes you as a question, but she poses it more as an assertion, because it’s very clear from the look on your face that you really did truly believe that.

                “I do,” you tell her. “I don’t know what he’s done _recently_ as he hasn’t visited in a few years, but I know at least back then he was still capable of doing good things.”

                “Was he kind to you?” she asks at length.

                “He choked me,” you say, gesturing again to your neck. She narrows her eyes at you, and so you let out a deep breath. “Yes, he was kind. He took care of me. He went out of his way to make sure I was happy there, and he helped me try to develop my Force powers so I could protect myself.”

                She tries to hide it, but she can’t conceal the flash of surprise in her eyes. “He trained you?”

                “Just to protect myself,” you tell her. “I can’t do much. Just mind probing, and uh, picking up stuff, and, you know, things,” you say, momentarily forgetting what exactly you could use the Force for. You hadn’t really used it much for quite a few years; you simply hadn’t needed to. “Oh, and he let me use his lightsaber once, but uh, that didn’t go so well.”

                She looks surprised at that last piece of information, and she lets out a long sigh before asking her next question. “You loved him, didn’t you?”

                “I didn’t love him,” you blurt out defensively. She waits for you to gather your thoughts, and you cross your arms over your chest like a petulant child. This was so weird to be discussing with Kylo Ren’s _mother_ , of all people. “I mean, I don’t know if that is what it was. I was technically his prisoner; it wasn’t like I could have just walked off whenever I wanted.” She stays silent, and you can tell she’s trying to figure out if she should tell you something or not. “You know something I don’t?”

                “I felt through the Force that the child was born of love,” she says at length, but she sounds almost frustrated by it. “I could feel it, and I thought that meant that he was coming around, that he wanted to make a change, that we could bring him back to our side. That’s why I sent-“ She lets her voice trail off and she doesn’t continue.

                “Did something happen?” you ask quietly, and she just shakes her head, unable to bring herself to answer that question right now. “I mean, okay, yes, I did tell him I loved him, and he told me that he loved me.” You let your voice trail off this time and refuse to look at her. You don’t want to look at her. You don’t want to see the expression on her face. Would she be surprised that he had said he loved you? “The others don’t know, though, do they?”

                “Why should they?” she asks, and you tilt your head to the side, giving her at least some credit. Your affairs between you and Kylo were your business, and she respected that, at least to the point where her child and her grandchild were concerned.

                “I mean, I don’t know if I still love him,” you tell her. “It was all very, I don’t know, physical? And then he sent me away. Like, really, he was worried about my safety on base and so he sent me home. With Ladson. He had Ladson trained to be a pilot and trained to protect me. Poe didn’t believe it, but the truth is we never had to escape from Starkiller Base, Kylo just let us go.” You run a hand through your hair. “And at first I thought he’d, I don’t know, come back for me when the whole thing was over? But then a year later I’ve got his baby at my hip and he only visited a few times up until Ani was about two and then I never saw him again, he just never came back.”

                Again, you refused to look at her, embarrassed by your own outpouring of emotion. You had been open a few times with Ladson, but they were few and far between, and even then, you never felt satisfied. He couldn’t give you any answers. He didn’t _know_ Kylo Ren, not like you knew him. Even Sadie didn’t really know him. But his mother? You knew that she had been ignorant of exactly what had transpired on board, but he was still her son, and she had to have known things about his character that you were still unaware of, right?

                “I don’t know,” she says at length, and you can’t help but feel disappointed. “I wasn’t there, but I can feel you, and I can feel the strength of your emotions.” You bring yourself to meet her eyes again. “You still seem loyal to him, hopelessly devoted to him.” She looks down, as if she’s almost ashamed of herself. “He may be my son, but I can say he doesn’t deserve it.”

                You bite your bottom lip anxiously. You don’t want to defend him, but you feel like you don’t have a choice. “He didn’t use me,” you tell her. “B used me for that whole big mission that you orchestrated; he put me up as bait, as a distraction. He put my life in danger. But Kylo never used me for anything. He was always completely open and honest with me.”

                “What has he told you?” Leia asks. Her tone was clipped, getting right to the point of your conversation here.

                “Nothing,” you admit softly. “Nothing about his past or his real name or what he was doing with the First Order.”

                “That doesn’t surprise me,” Leia sighs as she bows her head. “You deserve answers.” She looks away, clearly uncomfortable, and you can sense a _but_ coming on. Either way, you’re ready to counter whatever she says. You came here for answers, not safety. You could protect your son yourself, but you would never find out about Kylo’s past any other way. “I just wish I wasn’t the one who had to tell you.”

                She sounds regretful, mournful, and you mentally ease up a little bit. You thought you had been through a lot, but you had no idea what she had been through herself. You decide to start with an easy question. “How did you get here?” you ask quietly. “How did you become leader of the Resistance?”

                She smiles at your wearily, as if she knows what you’re trying to do. Either way, she answers your question. “I’ve always been involved, in one way or another. I’ve always been fighting against the Empire’s dictatorship, first against the Emperor with the Alliance and now against Snoke and the First Order with the Resistance.” You nod your head slowly, and she continues.

                “I was a senator in the Galactic Senate of the New Republic on Hosnian Prime for many years,” she tells you. “Since the death of Emperor Palpatine, we had been taking steps to ensure democracy was returned to the galaxy. I was one of the first to deem the First Order as a true threat to the progress we had made. I tried to warn the New Republic Senate, but they refused to listen.” She scoffs bitterly, rubbing at her thumb against her bottom lip. “They called me a warmonger, so I left. I formed the Resistance, with some aid from members of the New Republic who shared my concerns.”

                You just nod slowly, taking it all in. You honestly hated history and politics of any sort; it hadn’t really filtered into your way of life at your academia, as it was so far removed from the rest of the galaxy. It had always been viewed as a neutral party by both sides, simply a place to study knowledge for learning’s sake and nothing more. You had since learned that that wasn’t quite true, and you were beginning to suspect that certain professors at your academia probably had alliances to one side or another, just like B had sided with the Resistance. For all you knew, you weren’t just being spied on by the Resistance, but by the First Order as well. You were learning the hard way that although you had first professed neutrality at the beginning of your internship on the Starkiller Base, there was no such thing as a neutral entity. Everyone, eventually, would be forced to pick a side. You could delay it for as long as possible, as you clearly were, but you could no longer continue to profess your love for Kylo Ren and work with his enemy, the Resistance; it just wasn’t possible.  You were eventually going to have to choose one side or the other.

                “Did you form the Resistance before or after Kylo Ren joined the First Order?” you ask her.

                “After,” she confirms, and you take a moment to take it all in. So Kylo had betrayed her in some way, and then she had officially formed the Resistance? To fight him, specifically? Because she knew how powerful he was? “I’m sorry,” she confesses at length. “This isn’t easy to talk about. After all these years, I suppose it should be, but…”

                “It’s all right,” you tell her. “I mean, it’s your son.”

                “Sometimes I wonder,” she murmurs to herself, and you feel a shiver run up your spine. You decide maybe it’s just best to stick to the basic questions for now.

                “What was his name?” you ask her. “Before he became Kylo Ren?”

                “Ben,” she tells you. “Ben Solo.” You pause and think for a moment. So _Ren_ was really _Ben?_ Ben. Ben. Ben. You say it a few times to yourself, over and over again, but it still doesn’t make sense to you. It sounds so normal; you can see why he picked an alternative title to distinguish himself. “Is that a family name as well?”

                “My brother’s idea,” she says, fixing you with a knowing smile. “My brother, Luke, he named him after his old Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, but he knew him as Ben. Han didn’t want to go for it at first, but he was… _persuaded_.”

                “Jedi master?” you ask, tilting your head to the side. “So your brother, Luke, he’s a Jedi?” She nods her head in confirmation. That certainly explained why Kylo was so powerful with the Force, but yet, it didn’t explain why he had decided to join the First Order and fight for them instead. “And, Han, he’s Kylo’s father?” She nods her head slowly, and you see something in her eyes that you don’t like. “Where is he? Is he okay?”

                She stares at you for a long time without saying anything, and you can see the sadness in her eyes. You’re about to apologize, but you sense something else emanating from her, something else that you can sense through the Force. There’s a sadness, yes, a sense of resignation, but there’s something else there, behind that. There’s a fire, an anger, not a pure burning rage like Kylo’s, but an intense desire for justice brought upon by years and years of guilt.

                You shake quickly as if to dispel the thought from your mind. “No,” you tell her, and for a moment she looks confused before she realizes that you must have gotten an impression of her thoughts through the Force. “No, that’s not possible,” you insist. “I don’t know if I know Ben, but I know Kylo, and he would never hurt anyone that he cares about.” You can feel your heart beating in your chest, your pulse pounding against your temple. No, it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true. Kylo had saved Sadie, hadn’t he? He hadn’t even liked Sadie, hadn’t even known her, and yet he had spared her life because of you. He did a good deed, simply because you asked him to. There was good in him, at least then. There was no way he would kill his own father.

                “Before or after I was there?” you ask her, clearly aware of how much your voice is wavering as you speak.

                “After.” Her own voice is quiet, resigned.

                You try to decide if that’s better or worse, but you can’t really bring yourself to believe that he had done it at all. Yes, Kylo had never returned to visit you again, but surely that was just because he was busy, or he was in danger, right? Had so much changed him in just a few short years to make him into this cold-blooded killer? Or had he always been that way? Had his kindness towards you really just been an anomaly? Just a guise, masking a much sinister, much darker persona? You may not have known his father, but you knew yours, and you knew that as much as you hated him sometimes, you would never have been able to bring yourself to kill him.

                Kylo had told you he loved you. And he meant it then, hadn’t he? But did that mean he loved you now? No, that wasn’t the right question. It was a distraction from asking yourself the right question. The real question was, could you love him now? Could you love the man who had killed his own father? The man who had probably done many other unspeakable things as well? Whatever Hux had told Sadie, that had happened prior to you being on board. What other things had he done? Were they all as unforgivable as this?

                Well, you had come here for answers, and you were finally getting them, there was no doubt about that. What you were going to do with the information you received was a whole different story. You couldn’t hide behind vague generalizations anymore. You had to face the truth.

                You lean forward in your chair. “Did he really kill his father?”

                “Yes.”

                “And it wasn’t an accident?”

                “No.”

                You lean back in your chair and cross your arms over your chest, as if to create an invisible barrier between you and the truth.

                “Tell me everything.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this chapter ended up being super long so I decided to cut it in half. Today is the last day of the Master Cleanse and everyone went through with it, hooray!! Although to be fair we are all really cranky and tired from not eating for the past ten days (not me though, I'm totally cool!! ;) ) Tomorrow is fresh squeezed orange juice all day, Friday is broth, and then this weekend we can start eating solid foods again. And then next weekend we're all going to somewhere where we can get french fries, because I have a mighty need for french fries (although last night I literally dreamed of pasta and I thought I was really eating it so I woke up screaming). xD Anyway, until tomorrow, cheers!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this chapter contains spoilers for Star Wars: The Force Awakens. If you haven't seen it yet, I don't know why you're reading this story, but get your butt to a movie theater so I don't spoil it for you. ;)

                “It was Snoke,” Leia tells you. “From the very beginning, it was Snoke. It all comes back to him.”

                “Snoke?” you echo. “You mean, Supreme Leader Snoke?” A shiver runs up your spine, icy fingers that trail up and down the length of your back. You knew that Supreme Leader Snoke was the person Kylo took orders from, sure, but you distinctly remember Kylo telling you back when Ani was just a baby that Snoke was _interested_ in him. You hadn’t really given it much thought then, as you had suspected as much, but now you were starting to feel a lot more concerned about what exactly that meant.

                Leia can see the fear echoed in your eyes, confirming her concerns. “So you know, then, that he’s interested in Ani?”

                “Kylo told me he was,” you tell her. “Directly. So what does that mean? Is he in danger?”

                “He has been from the moment he was born.” Leia just shakes her head. “When I had Ben, I always knew that he would be strong in the Force, that he had equal potential between the light side and the dark, just based on who my father was.”

                “Anakin Skywalker?” you ask. 

                “Yes,” she nods. “He had been trained as a Jedi before yielding to the dark side and becoming a Sith Lord. He called himself Darth Vader when he was working as the right hand of the Emperor. Ben became enraptured with stories of him, and I don’t know where it crossed into obsession.  I don’t know how much of it was from him or how much of it was Snoke’s seduction-“ she shakes her head. “I tried to keep Han out of it. I thought I was strong enough to shield him from Snoke’s influence myself, but I was getting, I don’t know, concerned about him.” She rubs her forehead with the fingers of her right hand. “I sent him to Luke, for training. He was struggling with the dark side, and I thought Luke could help.”

                She pauses, just for the briefest of moments. “I think it was there that Snoke really got into his head. Luke had been training other students at a Jedi Temple, trying to restore the Jedi Order, and Ben-“ She shakes her head as though she still can’t believe it. “He burned it to the ground.” She gives you a pained look, and you suck in a deep breath.

                “He killed everyone?” you ask. She nods her head slowly. “Even your brother? His uncle?”

                “He didn’t kill Luke,” she shakes his head. “But everyone else…” You can’t hide the look of horror on your face, but you still can’t help but try to deny it to yourself. _No, Ben did this. Not Kylo. Ben. Not Kylo. Ben. Not Kylo. Ben-_

“He killed everyone?” you ask incredulously. “Every last student?”

                “Every last one,” Leia confirms solemnly. “Ben became Snoke’s apprentice after that, and he joined the Knights of Ren, working with the First Order to complete Vader’s work.” Suddenly, the dynamic within the First Order between Ren and Hux made a lot more sense to you.

                “So that’s how Ren joined the dark side,” you mutter to yourself. “He was brainwashed? By Snoke?”

                Leia nods her head in confirmation. “Which is why I felt it would be safer to keep Ani here, as far away from Snoke as possible, to prevent him from being influenced.”

                “Influenced how?” you ask. “Ani’s shy around strangers. I think he would have told me if someone just came up to him and started talking to him, even in his head.”

                “It’s more subtle,” Leia tells you. “Probably dreams, impressions, at least at first. It could happen without you even realizing it.”

                You bite your lip nervously. “I mean, he does have a temper, but I thought that was just because he’s, you know, Kylo Ren’s kid. He doesn’t, um, manage his anger well.” You have no idea if she knows this or not, but she just nods and you can’t make out her expression one way or the other.

                “So what happened to Luke?” you ask her. “And what about Rey and Finn? Is there some reason you wanted me to meet them?”

                “Yes,” she says firmly. “After Ben destroyed everything Luke had worked so hard to build, he went into exile, searching for the first Jedi Temple.  We tried to find him but-“ she sighs heavily. “-he didn’t want to be found. He left a map, leading to his location. We had most of it, but we needed just one piece to complete it. Poe went to Jakku to retrieve it, and he was kidnapped by Kylo Ren. Fortunately he was able to keep the map from him, hiding it in his BB-unit, which managed to get away.”

                “But he escaped?” you ask, putting the pieces together from what Poe had told you on your journey here.

                “Yes,” she confirms. “With Finn.” You think about what Finn had told you about being an ex-Storm Trooper. Had he really just defected to save Poe’s life? Or was there more to the story than that? “They managed to escape and crash on Jakku, but they were separated. BB-8 wound up with Rey, and Finn was able to find her, but Poe was separated from them. He managed to make it back here.”

                She sighs and shakes her head. “Han found them on board the _Falcon_ and took them to Takodana. Rey had seen the part of the map piece that he needed. She was separated from the group, and Ben brought her to the Starkiller Base.”

                You frown at her, shifting uncomfortably in your chair. “So he did that mind probe thing to her too? To get the map?”

                Leia nods. “But as I’m sure you’ve been able to sense, she’s quite gifted in the Force. She’s strong, and she was able to resist him.” She lets out a deep sigh. “But while they were at Takodana, the First Order destroyed the Hosnian System, where the Republic’s fleet had been stationed.”

                “Destroyed it?” you echo. You had heard people talking about that, but you had kept your head down low and tried not to listen, not wanting to say anything that could give away your previous affiliation with the First Order. You knew for certain that the Hosnian System had been _attacked,_ but completely and utterly destroyed had seemed like a massive hyperbole at the time...

                …although, you also had to admit that you didn’t want to believe it. You couldn’t.

                “Obliterated,” she confirms. “At that point, Finn wanted to head back to the Starkiller Base to rescue Rey, and Han and Chewie went with him.” She shakes her head. “After everything, I still thought Han could maybe bring Ben home. After I learned that he had a child, I was hoping there was still some light in him, that he wanted to maybe give up the First Order and come home.”

                “But he killed him,” you say softly. You think it over in your head. Kylo Ren had destroyed Luke’s Jedi Temple and murdered all of his peers. Kylo Ren had been there when the First Order had blasted away an entire star system’s population, and he had killed his own father. This was the man that you had claimed to love, the man that you had a child with. Granted, he didn’t murder his own father or blow up a planetary system until after you had left him, but he had still murdered all of Luke’s students before you had met him.

                You were troubled, certainly, but it didn’t bother you as much as you thought it might. Maybe you were just in shock. Maybe you were just extremely emotionally detached, but without knowing them, without seeing their faces, it would never be real to you. You had felt Kylo’s hand in yours when he told you he loved you, saw the look in his eyes when he told you he’d return; _that_ was real to you. But what wasn’t real were all the faces of the people that he had killed. You didn’t want to believe it. You couldn’t.

                “Is there more?” you ask softly.

                “Han had picked up Luke’s first lightsaber on Takodana,” she explains. “Finn had it with him when he went to rescue Rey. He dueled with Ben, and it almost cost him his life.  Fortunately, Rey was able to take Luke’s lightsaber and duel with Ben herself, and was able to overpower him.”

                “No way,” you say immediately. She looks up at you sharply. “No, Kylo is the _best_. I’ve sparred with him myself. I’ve trained with him. He could never lose, not to anyone.”

                “He was wounded,” she tells you. “Chewie had shot him in the side with his bowcaster after Han’s death. You have to understand, it’s very powerful. Most people would have been killed instantly.”

                You bite your lip, trying your best not to smirk. For some reason, you’re overcome with a sick sense of pride with knowing how strong Kylo was. Even after everything that you had just heard, your gut instinct was still to defend him, to stand up for him, to marvel at his power.

                “But he’s alive?” you ask, struggling to keep your face as straight as possible.

                You can sense her through the Force, and you know that she’s picking up your emotions. If she seems troubled by them, she doesn’t show it. “He’s alive,” she tells you. “We were able to recover the missing piece and Rey was able to find Luke. He’s since trained her to be a Jedi, and with the New Republic’s Capital destroyed, what was left of the Senate was forced to take the First Order seriously. I met with the remaining members of the Senate in the old Senate building on Coruscant, and the Republic has since been working with us to take down the First Order.”

                “And you’re winning now?” you ask hesitantly.

                “We’ve managed to make some strides, destroying some of their fleet, but Ben is still evading us,” she tells you. “Our primary objective is to take out Snoke. He’s pulling the strings, but he’s going to be very hard to capture. We’re hoping if we can get Ben back on our side, he’ll help us.” She looks away, and you can sense something in her tone.

                “But that’s unlikely,” you say quietly. You bite your lip and look down. Even after all the terrible things he had done, even after he had killed her husband, she still had at least the faintest bit of hope that her son would return to her. It seemed like a long shot, you had to admit that, but you couldn’t give up hope on him either. You weren’t ready to, at least not at this moment. There was still too much to process.

                “There’s others,” she offers. “There’s General Hux, effective head of the First Order. We haven’t been able to catch him either. We thought we had defeated Captain Phasma, leading Captain of the First Order. Han and Finn had captured her and got her to lower the shields surrounding the base so Poe and his squadron could attack. Afterwards, they threw her down a garbage chute before the base exploded. We thought that would have killed her, but we have reason to suspect she’s still alive.”

                You let out a sigh of relief, and Leia’s clearly not pleased by it. “She was very kind to me,” you tell her, gesturing towards your staff. “She gave me this staff as a present after Ren tried to kill me, even got us to take self-defense lessons with her so that I could learn to fight for myself. She might be working for the First Order, but that doesn’t make her a bad person.” Leia just shakes her head like that doesn’t make much of a difference to her.

                “So Poe destroyed the Starkiller Base,” you say under your breath. You picture your old room where you used to sleep with Kylo. That was gone now, totally gone.

                “He fired the shot that destroyed their superweapon,” she confirms. You look down bitterly, thinking about all the Storm Troopers that had probably died there. “It was fixed on us next,” she tells you. “He saved our lives.”

                “And others died,” you tell her, looking up. “That’s war for you. It’s why I never wanted any part in this. I’m not-“ You take a deep breath, shaking your head back and forth. You don’t have to explain yourself to her. “I never wanted any part of this,” you repeat. “I wasn’t supposed to be there. I should never have gone to Starkiller Base. I should never have met Kylo Ren, and I should never have been forced to have his child that made me wind up here, in another military installation, where you’re just going to force me to take sides-“

                “We’re not forcing you to take sides,” Leia says calmly.

                “Then what do you want me for?” you demand. “Why am I here? Really?”

                “To protect Ani from Snoke,” Leia tells you. “I’m here. I know based on your previous experience with us that you think we have some sort of ulterior motive, but that is not true. I want to protect my grandson. I don’t want to see him fall to the dark side.”

                “You want a second chance,” you say softly, looking away. It sounds almost cruel to put it that way, but it is at least a bit true. “And that’s fine, but I can protect him on my own.”

                “But you can’t,” she says firmly. “Because while I sense a light in you, there is a lot of darkness there too. I don’t have to ask myself which one Ben was drawn to.”

                You sigh, crossing your arms over your chest as you slump down in the chair. “Kylo didn’t want to train me at first because he said I had too much anger in me.” She looks completely confused for a moment, as if startled by this sudden revelation. “I know he’s done a lot of really bad things, but he was always extremely kind to me. He cared about me and he kept me safe, even when Hux tried to kill me. He helped me rely on myself when I couldn’t trust anyone else. So maybe it was just one small part of him, but I fell in love with _that_ part of him.” You shrug your shoulders uncomfortably. “But it sounds like that isn’t who he is anymore. I don’t know, but I should at least thank you for telling me this. I never would have-”

                You think it over. Would you still have slept with him if you knew the terrible things he’d done? You wanted to say that you certainly wouldn’t have had a child with him, but had things already been too late by that point? What if you had suddenly told Kylo you didn’t want to sleep with him anymore? How would he have reacted? Would he have forced himself on you? You knew the old Kylo, your Kylo, had gotten angry at the flick of a switch, but you couldn’t imagine that he would. Or maybe you had just never seen that side of him. You couldn’t really say you didn’t know who he was anymore when you didn’t really know who he was to begin with.

                “I never would have let him take Ani,” you conclude at length.

                “I doubt he would have given you much choice,” she says. “But it doesn’t matter. You’re both safe here.”

                You twist in your seat uncomfortably. “So, what? I’m just supposed to sit here with Ani and wait for you to take out Snoke and finish this war?” It occurred to you that that’s what you had basically been doing anyway, just taking things day by day, waiting for Kylo to return to you, but you don’t mention that.

                “No,” Leia says. “I can sense that you will do everything in your power to protect him, and I want to aid in that.”

                “How so?” you ask quietly.

                “Right now, we have just finished fighting a major skirmish on the border of the Unknown Regions,” she tells you. “It’s going to be some time until there’s any more fighting, so there are a lot of people on base right now.”

                “Okay,” you tell her, not reading between the lines. “So what’s that got to do with me?”

                “I can sense that self-reliance is your ultimate strength,” Leia tells you. “And I want to help with that. I need to know that you can protect Ani, from anything. So this is what I propose: Poe will teach you how to pilot, starting with a basic transport shuttle.” You open your mouth then close it again as she keeps talking. “I’ll leave your training entirely up to him, but it’s important for you to know that you’re not trapped here. You are free to come and go as you please, but it is much safer here for Ani, and I’m hoping you’ll stay.”

                You bite your lip. “So I stay here and you teach me how to be a pilot?” You weren’t sure you had ever really wanted to be a pilot. You had briefly considered it before, back when you were stuck on the Starkiller Base, but it had never been anything more than a passing whim. Even still, it couldn’t hurt to know how to fly if you had to take Ani and go.

                “That’s not all,” Leia tells you. “Finn will work with you in combat; Poe told me how much your staff means to you.” You hold it to your side and let a small smile pull at the corners of your lips. “And Rey will help you to develop your Force abilities.”

                You turn to her sharply. “You mean Rey is going to train me to be a Jedi?”

                Leia looks hesitant. “You have an equal balance of light and dark within you,” she tells you. “Much like Ben did. I had at first suspected that he was trying to seduce you to the dark side as well…” She lets her voice trail off. “Perhaps he was.”

                “He might have been,” you tell her. Quite frankly, you hadn’t really bothered to spend much time analyzing his motivations for it. It seemed to be a link to bring you closer to him, and that was all you really cared about.

                “But we’ll see,” she says. “The more you are trained in the Force, the better adept you will be at picking up on any of Snoke’s possible influence.”

                “So, pilot training, combat training, Force training?” you ask her. Your voice is dripping with hunger, and you can feel your heart swell in your chest. It sounded like a dream come true, and for a moment, you let all of your suspicions about the Resistance fly out the window. “When can I start?”

                “As soon as you’re ready,” she tells you. “They all know what happened to you, and they all volunteered their time-“

                “They thought I was tortured,” you say indignantly. “They probably thought I was living in a cage with a collar around my neck or something.” You regret the words as soon as they come out of your mouth as you picture Sadie, and you shake your head quickly to dispel the thought.

                “What you went through was very confusing,” Leia says patiently. “Emotionally. You didn’t have all the answers then, but you do now. Take some time to think it over. It’s okay to give yourself some time to come to terms with everything.”

                “Thank you.” You’re not sure what else there is to really say at this point.

                She gets to her feet and slips her arms around you in a quick hug, which you return. “And please feel free to come to me, with anything. Any time you just need to talk.”

                “I will,” you tell her. “And, uh, I guess Ani technically is your grandchild, so if you ever want to stop by and visit, my door is always open to you.” You know it’s _her_ base, but it still felt appropriate to make the invitation.

                “I was hoping you’d say that,” Leia smiles, and you’re about to leave when you turn back.

                “You’re not going to tell anyone about what I told you, right?” you ask. “About Kylo?”

                “Not a word,” she says. “But if you want to tell them, you might find that they won’t judge you as harshly as you might believe. Poe and Rey have both been taken prisoner and had their minds probed by him, and Finn almost lost his life. They might be able to relate to you in more ways than you can imagine.”

                “Thanks,” you say quickly. “And, um, my friend Ladson came on board with us. He’s been helping me look after Ani since he was born, and-“

                “He’s a guest here,” she tells you. “His safety will be guaranteed as well.”

                “Thanks,” you say again. You feel like there’s more you want to ask, but you’re not sure what it is right now, so you just bid her good night and make your way out the door. For whatever reason, you’re surprised to see Poe still standing there, leaning against one wall with his arms crossed over his chest. “You’re still here?”

                “Of course I am,” he replies. “Moral support, remember?”

                “How could I forget?” you say simply, your face alight with good humor.

                “Well, you seem to be taking things in stride,” he says as you start to walk with him down the corridor.

                “She told me about piloting lessons,” you tell him. “I mean, now that you’ve met me, are you sure you want to train me?”

                “Of course,” he replies, as if he’s taken aback by the question. “You still think I’m holding this little bruise against you?” He points to the back of his head, but you can’t see anything through his thick, curly dark hair.

                “Would it make you feel better if I apologize then?” you ask.

                “It might.”

                “I’m sorry.” You let out a small laugh, and it feels like a weight had just been lifted off your chest. He turns to you as he studies you, as if he’s trying to figure something out.

                “So,” he says after a moment. “Did you get your answers then?”

                “I did,” you confirm, offering no more explanation than that. Poe seems to wait for you to continue, but when you don’t, he doesn’t press it. “I’m just eager to start my training,” you tell him. “When do we begin?”

                “As soon as you’re ready,” Poe replies.

                “Tomorrow then,” you tell him.

                “You sure?” Poe asks, and you nod your head in confirmation. “So, the General was thinking, a few hours in the morning with me, then with Finn, and then with Rey. Does that work for you?”

                “That sounds incredible,” you tell him.

                “Don’t push yourself too hard,” he warns, but you just shake your head.

                “Those are words you never ever have to say to me,” you say confidently. “Believe me when I can tell you that I can handle _anything._ ”

                “Speaking from experience?” Poe asks as he arches an eyebrow.

                “I am,” you reply simply.

                “Well,” he says. “We have a big day ahead of us tomorrow. I think I saw Ladson and Ani heading down to the cafeteria with Rey and Finn for dinner. Should we join them?”

                “Actually,” you say quickly. “Can you just remind me where my room is again? I’m not really hungry right now and I could use the alone time to go over, you know, everything.”

                “Sure thing,” Poe says, and he seems relieved that you’re at least admitting to needing some time to process everything. You’re pretty much back to your door already, and both of you shuffle awkwardly around each other, not quite sure what to say next.

                “So I guess, see you tomorrow then,” you say, and he nods quickly.

                “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asks again, as if he’s hesitant to leave you.

                “I’m fine,” you say quickly. “Although if you feel the need to give me a hug just to make sure, feel free to do so. Everyone seems really huggy around here and I don’t think I’ve gotten one from you yet.”

                Poe bites his lip and grins as he wraps his arms around you, and you hug him back. He’s just a little bit taller than you, which means your nose gets buried in his shoulder and you inhale the subtle scent of machine oil. You pull away after a moment and push a smile to your face. “See you tomorrow then, bright and early?”

                “Bright and early,” he confirms.

                “Although you’re going to have to meet me here,” you tell him. “Because I don’t know where I’m going.”

                “Fair enough,” he replies. “See you, then.”

                “See you.” You try to unlock your door, but it’s locked and you force up an awkward smile in his direction, trying not to seem as embarrassed as you feel. “Right. Keycard.”

                There is a solid dot of red light in front of a black console next to the door. You move the card in front of it, but the light doesn’t blink. You wave it side to side a few times in frustration, while Poe watches on, a look of good humor on his face.

                “Having trouble?” he asks good-naturedly.

                “Stupid thing doesn’t like me,” you reply, trying to conceal your frustration.

                “Well, not if you insult it,” he says. “Here.” He takes your hand in his as he turns the card around, making a slow swiping motion across the scanner. The red light turns green, and you instantly put your hand on the door to open it before it decides to get angry and lock you out.

                “Thanks,” you say appreciatively as he lets go off your hand. You can still barely feel the warmth of his fingertips against your cool skin. “See you tomorrow,” you say for the last time as you scoot inside and shut the door firmly behind you. You take a deep breath in and let it out, your hand still on the door handle.

                There were a million things going through your mind right now. You had absorbed so much information in such a short amount of time, about the Resistance, about Kylo Ren, about things that had been happening in the galaxy that you had remained blissfully unaware of. But you were aware of them now, and you didn’t know if the Resistance was training you in the hopes that you would eventually come around and join their side, or if Leia really was just overcompensating in trying to protect Ani, for the way she had failed to protect her own son.

                Either way, you’re not quite sure how to think, how to feel, about any of it. Part of you wants to sit down and deliberate it all right now, get everything out in the open, so you can come to a concise decision on exactly how you feel about Kylo Ren so you can figure out what the hell you’re going to do with the rest of your life. If you ever found your way back to each other, would you forgive him? Would he forgive you for taking Ani and running to the relative safety of the Resistance? Would he consider it a betrayal? Would he come after you next?

                “Fuck Kylo Ren,” you murmur to yourself, and for the first time you didn’t mean it literally. You stumbled into the darkness of your bedroom without even turning on the light. Your knees immediately found the side of the bed in the darkness, and you lay down without even taking off your shoes, curling yourself in the fetal position at the end of the bed. For a moment, you felt totally numb. You wished you had known what Kylo Ren did before stepping foot on his base, but you weren’t sure who to be mad at. Should you be mad at Kylo Ren for not being open with you about his past? Should you be mad at B for not warning you about him before you stepped on board? Should you be mad at the Resistance for putting you in that position in the first place? Or should you be mad at yourself, for not asking the right questions before you even got yourself into that predicament to begin with?

                You knew it wouldn’t serve you well to dwell on the past, but you couldn’t help it. You had a child now, his child. Even if you wanted to never see Kylo Ren again, you were inevitably tied to him, and Ani would be a living, breathing, growing reminder of that mistake you made. The best you could do was not take it out on Ani. It wasn’t his fault that you had slept with Kylo Ren and wound up getting pregnant. It wasn’t his fault that his father was apparently a psychotic murderer. But it did mean he could never see Kylo ever, ever again. It didn’t feel right to keep him from seeing his dad, but Kylo was a murderer, and while you had known this all along, you had thought you were somehow immune to it. But the fact that he killed his own father was a sobering reminder that Kylo had changed in the years since he had stopped coming to visit you, and it was very possible that he no longer cared for your safety, or Ani’s. It was very possible that he could fly into a rage, kill you, and just hand-deliver Ani to Snoke himself. You didn’t want him to end up like Kylo Ren, and although you didn’t know how to stop that from happening, this seemed like a good first step. Leia knew exactly what you were going through, and she seemed willing, and able, to help. As much as you didn’t want to trust her, you did. She had been telling the truth, you knew that, whether it was through the Force or through your intuition, somehow, you just knew.

                A small voice in the back of your head told you to trust Leia, to trust the people here, and you were too tired to argue. Instead, you just closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, I wish I lived in a world where all the resources were available to Reader where she just gets lucky enough that she can learn all of these cool survival skills. xD The cool thing here is we kind of do though!! If you want to learn a new language, or learn how to take up piloting, the only thing that's stopping you, besides lack of funds and probably a full-time job and other family and social commitments, is you (and that other pesky responsibility stuff.) Point is, it's never too late to learn a new skill set and you never know when it will come in handy. Best part about interpreting was I was able to learn a bit of everything, from engineering to art to scuba diving lessons, but then again, I am seriously a person that just loves to learn for the sake of learning, if university was free, I would just be a student full-time and never leave. xD 
> 
> Anyway, tomorrow's chapter is seriously one of my favorite chapters to write because it took me totally out of my comfort zone but everyone so far has told me I've done a fantastic job of it (but then again they're biased because I turn positive reinforcement into writing fuel) and I hope that you'll all enjoy it too. Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	8. Chapter 8

                “Hey, hey get up.” You feel someone shaking your shoulder gently, and you mutter a groggy response before you roll over onto your back, exhaling a series of tired, sleepy sounds. Your legs are halfway off the end of the bed, and you pull yourself into a seated position, rubbing your face with both hands as you find yourself looking up at Ladson. “Did you fall asleep like this?”

                “Guess?” you reply, as your mouth stretches open into a huge yawn. You wipe at your face again with your sleeve, trying to figure out what he wants. “What’s going on? Why’d you wake me?”

                In the dim light, you can just see a tall figure shuffle into the doorway, and you already know who it is. “Aw, fuck.” You collapse backwards onto the bed, covering your face with both hands. You don’t know how you look, but it’s probably terrible. “I’m up, I’m up.”

                “You know, it can wait until tomm-“

                “No, I’m up,” you say quickly, jumping to your feet. You brush your hair out of your face and hold it behind you with one hand in a makeshift ponytail, hoping that it doesn’t look too unmanageable. He wasn’t going to train you today if you looked like you were really out of it. “Up and ready to go, see? I’m already dressed.”

                “No you’re not,” Poe replies, and you literally have to take a second to look down and make sure that you’re not, in fact, standing in front of him stark naked. But your hands are by your sides, and you feel the brush of fabric underneath your fingertips.

                “I’m pretty sure I am?” you ask hesitantly. Suddenly he throws something at you from out of the darkness, and you can feel heavy fabric hitting your face as you yank it off of you. “Seriously? What is this?”

                “Flight suit,” he replies simply. “If you’re going to be a pilot, you’re at least going to need the right gear.”

                “Awesome,” you breathe out your nose. You look towards Ladson, who doesn’t look at all confused. “It sounds like I’m going to be busy today. Can you keep an eye on Ani?”

                “Two of them,” he responds, and he makes his way past Poe into the other room. “You know my saying: have fun, don’t die.”

                Poe just stands in the doorway, observing you for a moment longer, and you shift your weight to one side as you cross your arms over your chest. “What?”

                “Wastin’ daylight,” he responds simply before he turns to wait in the living room. You huff out a breath and strip only to your undergarments, pulling the orange jumpsuit on. It’s a little long in the sleeves, but otherwise it fits you almost perfectly. You feel like you should be concerned with how he was able to guess your exact size, but you’re too tired to really let that concern you at the moment. You slip back into your boots, figuring that they would probably be tough enough for anything you had to do today. You secure your hair back behind you and head back into the living room.

                “This is ridiculously orange,” you tell him, pinching at a bit of fabric beneath two fingers. “Do I at least get one of those white things?”

                “The vest?” he asks. “It’s supplementary gear for fighter pilots. It carries radiation shielding, emergency fire suppression, backup life support…” He adjusts it on his shoulders. “And it makes me look pretty cool too, wouldn’t you say?”

                “Okay, okay,” you say testily. “I take it I won’t need one then.”

                “Well, let’s try it on,” Poe says. He ignores your protests and you wait for a moment as he undoes several harnesses and slips it over your arms, holding it in place over your shoulders. You wonder why for a moment as he relaxes his grip, and suddenly you feel the full weight of the jacket against your back.

                “Holy shit,” you huff, and Poe just lets out a laugh as he slips it back off of you and starts to put it back on himself. “How heavy is that?”

                He shrugs. “Ten kilos?” You huff. It felt like it was a lot heavier on your back, but you still couldn’t believe he was just walking around with a ten kilo vest on. Maybe you got used to it after a while, but you didn’t exactly want to find out.

                Suddenly you see a little face poking through the open doorway behind Poe, and you bend down to his level. “Hey, Ani, get back to bed, okay?”

                “Where’ya going?” he asks. “Are you going back to class?”

                “Back to-?” you shake your head back and forth. You had asked Sadie to pass a note along to your academia as to why you had decided to suddenly stop teaching. You figured something along the lines of _summoned by the Resistance_ and _imminent risk_ had a nice ring to it. “No, I’m training how to be a pilot so we can fly a spaceship and travel all over the galaxy.”

                He rubs his face sleepily with one hand. “Can I come?”

                “No,” you whisper a little too quickly, then add, “Not this time. Maybe another time, okay, Ani?”

                He’s too tired to argue, and you see Ladson scoop him up from behind you. “See you later,” he says, and you give a curt nod in his direction as you signal to Poe and head towards the door.

                “Cute kid,” Poe says once you’re in the corridor.

                “He can be,” you shrug. “You know, when he wants to be. Hopefully being here will decrease the frequency of his tantrums a bit.”

                “I’m sure he’ll come around,” Poe says, but you just shrug your shoulders noncommittally. You didn’t know how many kids he had been around in the Resistance, but you were pretty sure that none of them were anything like Kylo Ren’s kid.

                “So what are we flying?” you ask. “Leia said you were starting me out on a transport shuttle.”

                “For starters,” Poe replies simply. “You’ll see.”

                You pout as you walk along beside him. It’s early in the morning and you hardly pass anyone as you make your way out to the hangar. “I should warn you, I’m not a patient person, especially not this early in the morning.”

                “I’ve noticed,” Poe says with good humor in his voice, and you just snort under your breath as you follow him to a transport shuttle that was already set out. Luckily you’ve been in a similar transport shuttle before, and you follow him up the narrow walkway, past four small seats, and slip into the co-pilot’s chair.

                “Am I expected to do something?” you ask, looking at the console in front of you. There are knobs and dials and buttons and you don’t know which is going to make the ship suddenly lurch forward or which is going to make the shuttle drop out of the sky and send you both to your very untimely deaths.

                “You see that switch over there?” he asks, pointing to a small blue lever with a white stripe on the left side of your console marked _Main Repulsor Power_.

                “Uh, yes?” you say nervously as your eyes sweep over the lever. “I see it.”

                “Flicking that switch turns on the repulsors under the shuttle and connects over to the main ignition chambers…” He trails off as you give him a blank look, and he sucks in a deep breath. “How much did Ladson teach you?”

                “Nothing,” you admit sheepishly. “He took care of everything. I just sort of sat back and watched.”

                “And that’s fine,” Poe says, his voice full of confidence. “Then we’ll start at square one.” He pulls a sheet of flimsiplast out from under his seat. “First lesson in fight: on a winged craft like this shuttle, there are four forces that govern flight in an atmosphere: lift, gravity, thrust, and drag, and the significance of each of those forces varies from planet to planet.” As he’s talking, he draws a crude silhouette of the shuttle with four arrows around it in a cross shape, with up labelled _lift_ , down labelled _gravity_ , backward labelled _drag_ , and forwards labelled _thrust_ , as he explains.

                “Lift pushes the shuttle upwards when it’s moving, while gravity pulls it down. Drag pulls backwards when the shuttle is moving, and the thrust of the engines pushes the shuttle forward. On a medium-sized verdant planet like this one, with a moderately-dense atmosphere of simple diatomic gases, drag is a significant factor to consider at higher speeds, and since D’Qar’s gravity is non-zero, we need the repulsors to cancel out the weight of the shuttle so we can get off the ground before starting the main engines and getting lift from the wings and lateral stabilizers. Additional principles come into play for spaceflight, but those can wait for another day. For now, let’s just go through the main takeoff sequence.”

                “That switch I pointed out? Flip it.” You flip it upwards, and as you do so, Poe turns a large red and white striped knob at his console and the wall panel to your right comes alive with white and red lights, some blinking, some solid, and all of them marked with small labels you have to lean in close to read. After a short delay, you feel the shuttle slowly rise to a steady hover.

                “What was that knob you turned?” you ask.

                “That’s the master breaker,” Poe explains. “It connects the shuttle’s reactor to the main power bus so we can get started. As for the panel on your right that just lit up, I need you to find the four solid red-lit buttons in the middle, arranged in a line. See them?” You turn to the side and eventually find them, nodding your head in affirmation. “Good. There’s a readout below them that counts down as the flight computer does its system checks. Once it starts flashing _1_ , press the second button from the left.”

                You would prefer not to do anything your first day out, but you could follow simple directions easily enough. You watch as the readout counts down, pressing the second button once it stops on _1_ and it starts flashing. Every light on the panel changes to solid white and the readout now reads _0_. “What did I just do?” you ask nervously.

                “No, that’s good,” Poe assures you. “That means there were no faults detected and we can proceed with startup. Press the third button; that’ll switch the reactor to high power so we can start the main engines.”

                You do so, and a ring of six lights at the top of the wall panel switches to a solid yellow color for close to a minute, and you can hear the low hum beneath you become more of a whine as the reactor powers up. Eventually, it settles at a higher frequency and is suddenly cut short as the yellow lines flash and become green.

                You can’t hide the look of concern on your face, but it only makes Poe chuckle. “Don’t worry, that’s a noise-canceling feature Sienar added when pilots and their distinguished passengers complained they couldn’t hear themselves think over the whine of the reactor. Now, one last thing to take care of before we can leave.” He holds down the button on the comlink between the two consoles and speaks. “Launch Control, this is Black Leader, requesting launch departure for Approach Bravo on automatic taxi.” It sounds so ridiculously over the top and official that you can’t help but grin.

                “That’s a negative, Black Leader,” a voice responds, and your smile falters. Negative? Did Leia decide against your flight lessons after all? “Approach Bravo is still undergoing maintenance on the blast doors. You’re cleared for taxi to Approach Charlie. Have a good flight, Commander.” You have literally no idea what that was all about, but you were able to guess by the words “have a good flight” that this was going to happen after all.

                Out the window, you can see a black stripe on the floor leading from your ship to the rightmost hangar door start flashing a sequence of lights that make it look like a white dot was racing away from you and out the hangar door. Poe sees you watching it and is quick to launch into another explanation. “That flashing light warns the hangar crew that the ship is moving on autopilot and to stay clear. Press the fourth button. That disengages the inertial lock and activates the flight consoles. Once your console lights come on, flip up the green toggle on the left, the one that’s marked _Automatic_ _Control_. That turns repulsor control over to the computer and it’ll follow the guide line out the hangar door and unfold the wings once we’re out there.”

                You follow his instructions and feel a small lurch as the ship begins following the stripe out the hangar door, where it comes to a stop in a small clearing. A screen on your console showing a front profile of the shuttle outlined in yellow show the wings folding down, turning green once the shuttle resembled an upside down _Y_. Poe flips the taxi toggle back down as the Controller’s voice crackles through the speakers. “Black Leader, you’re cleared for departure.”

                Poe pulls outward on a small control stick to the right of his seat. “This is the main flight stick,” he explains, “and pulling it outward temporarily increases power to the main repulsors so we can clear the tree line before engaging the engines.” As he does so, the shuttle begins to rise into the air on repulsor power. Once you’re above the tree line, he points out the stick to his left. “This one is the drive control.” He pushes it forward as he talks, powering up the engines and sending you racing into the sky.

                You gaze out of the window in front of you, watching the greenery of the planet slip by underneath the ship. “How fast are we going?” you ask, turning to him excitedly.

                “Right now, we’re going about three hundred kilometers per hour, but the shuttle is capable of much faster,” Poe responds. He looks at you and grins back, pleased to see his own excitement reflected in your expression. “You look like you’re having fun.”

                “Maybe,” you reply, although you can’t contain the eagerness in your voice. “Are we going into space?”

                “Not today,” Poe explains. “First you need to learn how to fly, and besides, as far as space goes, this particular shuttle model was only designed for short trips between capital ships in deep space or high-speed trips between a planet surface and a ship in low orbit. It was never meant for extended stellar exposure, so it only has minimum radiation shielding and life support. Besides that, D’Qar has a planetary debris ring, and the shuttle isn’t currently equipped with a shield generator to deflect the cloud of microscopic debris in orbit around the planet.”  You bite your lip and nod, overwhelmed by how complicated the whole thing seemed. You knew that flying a ship wasn’t going to be easy, but there was so much you had to know, not just about piloting a ship, but space in general.

                “I don’t know if I can fly in space,” you admit, settling back in your chair.

                “It’s not as easy as it looks,” Poe tells you, sending a wink in your direction. You stick your tongue out at him, but you can’t tell if it was actually difficult and he just made it look easy, or if he was just messing with you. Maybe you should have asked if Ladson could come too. He had learned to fly one of the ships on board the Starkiller Base, but you were smart enough to know that each ship handled differently. Probably.

                “Is that hard?” you ask, pointing at the dual joysticks in his hands.

                He looks down at his hands before looking back at you. “You want to try?”

                “No,” you say, feeling all of the humor and excitement leave your face. “No, not uh, yet. No, I’m not eager to kill you just yet, sorry.”

                “It’ll be fine,” he says, jerking his head towards the left one. “This one controls thruster power. Tilt it forward to go faster, backwards to slow down. We’re in atmosphere, so you’re not going to be able to drift.”

                “Drift?” you ask.

                “Side to side,” he replies. “The right one is just attitude control, pretty basic stuff. Back to tip the nose up, forward to tip the nose down.”

                “Tip the nose down?” you ask. “You mean like, to go down?”

                “See?” Poe asks. “You’re getting the hang of it already. Just keep both of your hands steady and you should be fine.”

                You put your left hand on the first lever, curling your knuckles over it, and then hold your right arm by your side, curling your fingers around the vertical toggle. “It’s spring loaded,” he tells you. “So you don’t need to really move it much. It’ll automatically snap back to center.”

                “Okay,” you reply uncertainly. “Let me know when you’re ready for me to take over.”

                “Already did it,” he says, and you turn to him sharply to see him take both hands off the levers. You don’t even realize as you’ve turned to look at him that you’re pulling slightly towards the left, tilting the shuttle slightly in that direction. You quickly realize your mistake and jolt it back over to the right, trying to even it out, but the shuttle tips wildly to the other side and you bump harshly in your seat before the shuttle rights itself, an alarm sounding and the automatic control toggle on the console flashing red before it turns back to a steady green.

                “I’m an idiot,” you tell him, staring firmly ahead of you, determined not to look at him anymore. “I’m going to kill us both.”

                “You’re doing fine,” he tells you, and you can see him watching you out of the corner of your eye as he puts both hands behind his head.

                “I’m so glad you’re enjoying your last few minutes alive,” you continue sarcastically. “I should have just gone back to being an interpreter.”

                “You’re too hard on yourself,” Poe tells you. “You just need to have more confidence.”

                “I do have confidence in myself,” you snap back at him. “When my feet are on the ground and my staff is in my hand.”

                “Got to get out of your comfort zone sometime,” he quips.

                “I did get out of my comfort zone,” you tell him. “And I wound up on the Starkiller Base. Look at how that turned out for me.” Poe’s silent for a moment, and you immediately regret saying it. If you were really going to be training intensively with Poe, Finn, and Rey every day, you didn’t want them all feeling guilty, mentally dwelling over the fact that you were only here because Kylo Ren “tortured” you. You didn’t want to tell them the truth, especially when you weren’t sure what that truth was, but you didn’t want them to be training you out of a fallacious sense of pity.

                “Look, I wasn’t lying about what I said earlier,” you tell him. “Kylo Ren really did teach Ladson how to pilot a ship, and he really did let us go.” You don’t give him time to answer as you keep talking. “I don’t really want to talk about it, but you should know, being there wasn’t entirely terrible. Captain Phasma gave me self-defense lessons after Kylo Ren almost choked me to death, and then gave me that staff to help me better defend myself. I wouldn’t have been able to knock you unconscious if it wasn’t for her.”

                You shoot a tight-lipped smile in his direction, but quickly focus your eyes back front and center before you can really see his expression. “Or Kylo. He taught me how to fight, how to use the Force, and being with him wasn’t _entirely_ intolerable. He saved Sadie, and I didn’t really have to do anything to get him to do it, other than what I was already doing.”

                Poe’s silent for so long you immediately regret telling him any of this. Leia had hinted that you should probably at least try talking to them, but you barely knew him. This was too much, too soon. There was no reason for you to be spilling your confessions to him this early in the morning, on your first day of training. Were you really so eager to get some insight on your feelings towards Kylo Ren that you would spill all your secrets to the first person who happened to be trapped in the planet’s atmosphere with you?

                “Sounds like a good guy.” The sarcasm in his voice is palpable, and you almost want to let go of the controls and just let fate take its course.

                “That was years ago,” you tell him. “I haven’t seen him in years. I haven’t seen him since you blew up the Starkiller Base, or probably sometime before that.” You bite your lip then add, “I didn’t know about all the awful stuff he did before, but I do now. I know how he killed his own father, and he’s-“ You shake your head. “He’s not the same person anymore, if he ever was, and I know I should just be thankful I’m alive.” It’s silent for a few moments longer. “He probably only let me go because of Ani. He sensed it before I did and that’s why he sent me away. He told me he would come back and train him, I just didn’t know when.”

                “Ani’s safe now,” Poe says, a hint of firmness in his voice.

                “Yeah,” you say, looking over at him. “Thanks for picking us up.”

                “Just following orders,” he says simply. “So does this mean you’ve decided that the Resistance isn’t a terrible bunch after all?”

                “You have your moments,” you say, turning back towards the open landscape in front of you. Spurred on by sudden confidence, you tilt the shuttle down ever so slightly before levelling off, and then bring it back up again. “This is so easy.”

                “I told you so,” Poe replies, and you’re glad to hear the humor back in his voice. You make a silent note to yourself that you should probably never talk about Kylo Ren with him ever, ever again.

                You fly around quietly for about an hour, getting comfortable with the basic maneuvers of the shuttle, until Poe takes back the controls from you and steers you back towards the base. You try to think of topics of pleasant conversation, but you can’t think of anything to ask him about besides his military experience, and so you just keep quiet, hoping he would volunteer that information like you had. But when he doesn’t, you realize you’re just going to have to suck it up and hope that he didn’t remember what you said about Kylo Ren. You knew he would, and you regretted opening your mouth in the first place, but it wasn’t something you could take back now.

                As you approach the base, Control welcomes you back over the comlink and instructs you to enter through Approach Alpha. Once you reach the clearing outside the hangar, Poe cuts power to the engines, pushes the flight stick inward to hover down to the level of the hangar door, and re-engages automatic control. The wings fold back to the up position and the shuttle follows the black stripe with the flashing light back to its original spot, turning completely around before backing into its docking space. He presses the first button in line on the panel to his left, starting what looked like the automatic shutdown sequence. All lights on the panel to your right turn yellow and start to turn red in some predetermined order as the noise dampening deactivates and you can hear the reactor wind down. Eventually, all of the lights become red and you can hear that the reactor has finally wound down to its steady low hum. Poe flips down the blue repulsor toggle on his console, the action mirrored on your own, causing the shuttle to settle back to the ground. Finally he opens the boarding ramp and turns the master breaker knob to its original position, and motions towards the ramp to let you disembark first.

                “So thanks for that,” you say, exhaling a deep breath as he walks you back towards your quarters.

                “Don’t sweat it,” he replies. You’re both silent for a moment, but it’s an uncomfortable silence, and you’re grateful when he finally breaks it. “Look, about what you said earlier-“

                “Forget I brought it up,” you say quickly, rubbing your upper arm uncomfortably as you walk.

                “You said you didn’t want to talk about it,” Poe says quietly.

                Your head snaps to the side as you turn to look at him sharply. “What?”

                “You said you didn’t want to talk about it,” Poe responds. “You don’t owe us, any of us, any explanation for what happened up there.”

                “Oh,” you say, biting your lip. You hadn’t really remembered saying you didn’t want to talk about it, if you had said it, it might have just been something that had slipped out. “No, I mean, it’s in the past. I just didn’t think it was right for everyone to think I was like, being brutally tortured or being starved to death in a cell or something.” You pause, considering. “Actually, I mean, that did happen, but it was only for like a week or so, and that was more Hux’s doing anyway.”

                “My point,” Poe says curtly. “You’re here now, and you’re safe. My advice that you didn’t ask for? Don’t dwell on the past any more than you have to.”

                “I’ll be sure to remember that,” you tell him as you stop outside your door. “So-“ You stop talking as a little round droid rolls up to the pair of you, emitting a short little beep.

                “He says hello,” Poe translates as he turns to face you.

                “Hey there,” you reply, stooping down to the droid’s level. “So, no hard feelings about what happened before? I’m sorry about threatening to sell you for parts.”

                BB-8 lets out a few short beeps and whistles, and you look up at Poe. “He says you’re forgiven.” You smile back down at the little droid before standing back up again.

                “So where do I need to meet Finn?” you ask. He gives you a room number and a little wave as he heads off with BB-8. You have no idea where that room is, exactly, but you’re sure it’s probably not that hard to find. You couldn’t have Poe escorting you everywhere on this base.  

                You head back inside and check both rooms, but Ladson and Ani are nowhere to be found. Not that you were really worried. You know Ladson wouldn’t leave Ani alone; someone probably came by to give them a tour of the base, or they went to get food or something. You head back into your room and put on a plain black pair of pants with a tan long-sleeved shirt, pulling your staff over your head, just in case you would need it. You felt better having it by your side, anyway.

                With nothing better to do, you head back out again to try to find the room number Poe had given you. You had no idea where you were going, and you didn’t feel comfortable asking anyone for directions, so you just walked around and around, making random rights and lefts until you finally found it. You had no idea if you were early or late, so you just entered the room, lucky to find Finn already waiting for you.

                “About time,” he says, standing up from his spot on the floor. It’s a small training room, no bigger than your bedroom. There are black cushioned mats on the floor, but the most bizarre thing of all was that the walls appeared to be made up entirely of mirrors. As you enter, you can see your confused face reflected back at you, bouncing off each wall. You move your hands to the side and out of the corner of your eye you can see your reflection doing the same. It’s a bit disorienting, and so you try to stand as still as you can to block it out, focusing on Finn in front of you.

                “Sorry,” you say quickly. “Poe-“

                “Don’t even worry about it,” he says, cracking a grin. “I figured Poe was probably keeping you.”

                “So,” you say with a sigh, looking around the room. “What do you want to do? I know I was told combat training, but-“

                “That’s up to you,” he says. “I know you have your staff, but we can save that for another day. Personally, I think Rey should be training you in that. She’s much better with one than I am.”

                You just shrug. You want to make some comment about how Storm Troopers don’t carry staffs, but that’s wasn’t all that he was, and you had no idea how long it had been since he had left the First Order. He could have learned to wield one since then.

                “So show me what you got,” he says, signaling for you to come towards him. You take a moment to assess him. He was just about as tall as you were, but if his build was any indication, he probably weighed at least twice what you did; a wall of solid muscle. Not that this bothered you in any way; it would be no different than sparring with Captain Phasma. When you sparred with Kylo, you were both agile and lithe; you both always moved in a series of quick movements, your feet continuously in motion, constantly blocking or dodging; nimble, short, successive bursts of movement. But when you had sparred with Phasma, she was much bigger than you, much taller than you, and so you had to compensate with speed what you lacked in raw physical strength.

                It had scared you at first when she came towards you, like a solid wall of power, but both Kylo and Phasma had quickly shown you that you can use your opponent’s size against them so long as you stayed away. Strong people weren’t necessarily very fast, and so if you could dance around them, wind them down, getting in blow by blow, you could overpower them easily, but you had to make sure you could stay out of their grasp. They were strong enough that they could probably have you on the ground in just one or two successive strikes. Judging by Finn’s stature, he could probably have you on the ground with only one punch, but he didn’t look to be as fast as you were – and you were _very_ fast.

                You close your eyes and center yourself, letting muscle memory take over. You take a quick jump towards him as you open your eyes and make a move like you’re about to kick him with your right foot, standing on the toes of your left foot for balance, but before you complete the kick, which he is quickly prepared to block, you throw up your left foot, kicking him in the abdomen and pushing him back as hard as you can. You land roughly on your feet and take a few shaky steps back as you watch him stumble backwards a few steps into the mirror, which just seems to swallow the force of impact. There’s not so much as a crack or even a scratch on its surface as he stands up.

                “What is that made out of?” you ask, walking over to an adjacent wall to run your fingertips along the mirror. It was as smooth and as cool as glass, but it had an almost rubbery texture to it.

                “What was that?” Finn asks loudly, and you spin around to face him. “Who taught you how to kick like that?”

                “I did,” you say with a shrug of your shoulders.

                “No, really,” Finn says. “I was told you knew how to use a staff, but no one told me you knew how to fight.” _Seriously? Did Poe literally run around telling everyone on base that you knocked him out with that thing?_

                You roll your eyes. After how things went down with Poe, you didn’t want to tell him anything about what had happened on the Starkiller Base, but it was starting to look like you didn’t really have a choice here. “Kylo Ren trained me,” you tell him.

                “ _What-?_ ”

                “And Captain Phasma. They both trained me how to fight, and use a staff.” His jaw drops dramatically, and it’s all you can do not to laugh. “Do you remember her?”

                “Oh, I remember her,” Finn says, but you can’t tell if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. “Man-“ He runs a hand over his short, cropped hair. “Are you serious?”

                “Um, yes?” you ask. He turns around, shaking his head, and you’re not quite sure what to say. “Should we try this again?”

                “You know what? Sure.” Finn turns back to you and engages you first this time, coming towards you. You’re definitely a lot more agile than he is and as he makes a move to strike you, you spin around, not quite tossing him over your shoulder, but using the force of the weight he put into his punch to push him to the ground regardless.  

                “Um,” you say softly, not sure what else to say. You knew that you had trained with Kylo Ren, the best of the best, but did that mean you were stronger than an ex-Storm Trooper? You had no official training, not really, but you had spent almost every day of the past few years sparring and teaching self-defense classes, so that probably counted for at least something. “Try again?”

                “Okay,” Finn jumps to his feet, shaking his head. “Okay, I’m really going to try this time.”

                “You were holding back?” you ask, raising your eyebrows.

                “I think I’m the wrong person for this,” he says, holding up his fists up in front of him, prepared to go again. “I don’t want to really hurt you.”

                “I am pretty sure there is literally no chance of that happening,” you tell him. “Give me your all.”

                Finn doesn’t respond. Instead, he grunts as he swings his fist at you, and you let out a sharp exhale as you decide to block it instead of dodging, grabbing the wrist of his extended arm with both hands. He was _definitely_ a lot stronger than you were. You spin out to try to kick him in the side, but he catches your leg with his other arm. Keeping his other arm still extended and away from your face, you use your free hand to land a punch against his massive shoulder, and immediately grimace as a jolt of pain spreads up your wrist.

                “You are really strong,” you tell him as he releases you.

                “This isn’t working,” Finn sighs, rubbing his face with one hand.

                “Our fighting styles are kind of different,” you admit. “Maybe we’re not the best people to spar each other. Any way we can do something else?”

                “Yeah,” Finn says quickly, seemingly almost relieved by the suggestion. “Have you ever used a blaster before?”

                “Nope,” you say simply, shaking your head from side to side.

                “Well, there we go then,” Finn says as he spreads his hands by his sides. “I don’t know why they would want me to teach you hand-to-hand combat when they knew you had training.”

                “I don’t think anyone did know,” you admit. “I mean, I was teaching self-defense classes at my old academia, but I don’t know if anyone knew about that.”

                Finn just shrugs as he drops back to a seated position on the ground, and you drop to the floor beside him, pulling your knees to your chest.

                “So, do you want to just, hang out?” you ask him.

                “That sounds good,” he replies. “So Ren really taught you how to fight? I mean, I could see Phasma, but-“ he shakes his head. “-damn. That dude is wicked with his lightsaber.”

                “You’ve fought him?” you ask eagerly. You knew Leia had mentioned it, but you wanted details, a firsthand account. You had always imagined what Kylo would be like in battle, but you never got the luxury of seeing it firsthand. Even still, you had daydreamed about his fighting style so much, pictured the raw sense of power that just emanated from him as he used his lightsaber and the Force intermittently, that you were practically voracious to eat up any scraps that Finn would throw your way.

                “Yeah, that’s how I got this,” Finn reaches up behind his head and pulls up the back of his shirt, revealing a long jagged scar down his back. You can’t help but reach out, running your fingertips along the burned pink flesh that cut like lightning through his dark skin. Ordinarily you wouldn’t have been so keen to touch anyone, especially not their scars, but this was a mark made by _Kylo’s_ lightsaber, and touching it was the closest you had come to actually touching him in years. Your fingertips were pulsing with sensation as you jerked your hand away, and Finn pulled his shirt down, covering up the scar again.

                “How did he handle it?” you ask him eagerly. “His lightsaber, I mean? Did he, like-?” You hold your hands out in front of you, squeezing your hands into fists. You were practically itching to just grab him and see into his mind, to see it firsthand, and for a moment you could understand why Kylo wasted no time in using his mind probe to get what he wanted; why have all this power when you couldn’t use it?

                “You okay?” Finn asks, but you completely ignore the look of concern that is spread blatantly across his face.

                “It’s made from a cracked kyber crystal,” you tell him excitedly. “He made it himself. It’s, it’s fascinating, really. I mean, kind of scary, yes, especially if you’re facing it, I can only imagine, but it’s fascinating. Like, it’s a lot heavier than it looks, it’s like swinging an actual sword, although it _fights_ you when you try to swing it, at least it fought me, anyway.”

                “You held it?” Finn asks, and you’re so caught up in the memory that you barely even register the trepidation in his voice.

                “Yeah,” you tell him. “Just once, but that was enough for me. Once, when I used the Force to push him back when he was choking my friend – which was not his fault, by the way, it was an accident – he wanted to see how much of the Force I could use, and so he gave me his lightsaber. It had a Force toggle on it so he wanted to see if I could activate it, and so I got into his head, you know, since it’s his weapon, and I channeled him and it worked. It turned on. Kylo was-“ You laugh at the recollection. “He didn’t show it, but Kylo was very impressed.”

                “Kylo?” Finn asks, arching an eyebrow as he mimics your inflection. “Are you in love with this guy or something?”

                “No,” you say quickly, feeling a blush rise to your cheeks. “No, I mean, it was just an interesting experience. Holding his lightsaber. And I’ve never gotten to really talk about it with anyone else, so it just sort of slipped out.”

                He’s silent for a moment as he narrows his eyes and studies you intently. “You had a thing for this guy?”

                You squint your eyes shut. First Leia, then Poe, then Finn. You were just opening up to everyone today. Maybe next you should let Rey see into your mind so you could show her everything firsthand, and then you wouldn’t have to hide anything from anyone anymore. You’re trying to think of something to say when Finn puts one of his large hands on yours.

                “I can’t imagine what you went through up there,” he tells you, and if you’re not wrong, there’s a bit of sincerity in his voice, as if he really means it. “You ever need to just talk, I’m here.”

                “Thanks,” you say awkwardly. “I, uh, I know he tried to kill you, and I’m sorry about that. I guess I should seem more sympathetic, but I don’t know, he was always nice to me. I can’t imagine him doing something like that.” You look down and away, embarrassed by your unwavering loyalty to Kylo. Leia was right. It was undeserved, but you were still going to need time to process everything.

                Finn just shakes his head, like he’s not confused at all. “Guy like that? He shows you only what you want to see. Rey told me you’re really attuned to the Force. He probably knew what he wanted to get out of you, and he probably figured out the best way to get it.”

                You shrug your shoulders uncomfortably. He’s right, you _know_ he’s probably right, and yet you can’t help but let a small voice in the back of your head insist that it was real, that Kylo really did love you, that he had done everything he had to protect you and keep you safe because he cared about you. “I just-“ You shrug uncomfortably, but Finn just waits patiently for you to get your thoughts together, his hand over yours, a rock of unrelenting support. “I didn’t know why I was on base there, what the Resistance was planning. B manipulated me, and I just thought that, I don’t know, Kylo said he wasn’t manipulating me, that he wasn’t using me, and he did all these things to try to prove it, so I just-“ You shrug again. “I don’t know, I guess I was just stupid. I believed him.”

                “You’re not stupid,” Finn says softly. “I know how it is. I was there. I was raised in the First Order. I was taken from my family and forced to serve them. I know all about their brainwashing, their manipulation, their mind games. Trust me when I say it’s so subtle you wouldn’t even realize it was happening until it was already too late. They get inside your head, make you think things that aren’t real, make you-“ He shakes his head. “I don’t have a doubt he could make you see and feel things that weren’t real, but that doesn’t mean they weren’t real to you.”

                You bite your lip and nod your head slowly, taking it all in. You knew that Kylo Ren had the power to probe your mind, but did he also have the power to sway your emotions? To make you feel something for him? You had been able to feel his anger through the Force bond, absorb his rage, but had he actually been calculating enough to make you feel like you had been falling in love with him? Part of you refused to believe it. Part of you staunchly insisted that Kylo had loved you like he had never loved before, cared for you above all others, and believed firmly that he would never, ever hurt you or manipulate you in any way. Another part of you thought that notion was very, very stupid.

                “I waited years for him to come back,” you say softly. “Waited all that time for him to come back and train Ani. I never really thought about the danger that posed to Ani, or what kind of life he would have from within the ranks of the First Order. I don’t know, I just, I never even thought about it, like it never even occurred to me.”

                “Brainwashing,” Finn repeats. “I had dinner with him and Ladson last night. He’s a good kid, a smart kid, and I know deep down, you would never have sent him off with Ren.”

                “I hope you’re right,” you tell him with a small laugh. “I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter now, but I really might have. I know he had killed people, but he had never told me anything about his past. I didn’t find out until yesterday about the Jedi temple, about how he killed his own father-“ You stop as a sudden thought occurs to you.

                “Can I see it?” you ask quietly. He pulls away from you, ever so slightly, and you shake your head. “Sorry, I just, I don’t know. Without really seeing it myself, I just don’t know if I’ll ever really believe it.”

                “Rey can show you,” Finn tells you. “She was there too.” He gets to his feet as he leans down and offers his hand to you. You place your hand in his and he jerks you to your feet so quickly he almost pulls you off the ground. He _was_ strong, and you decided it was probably better you weren’t going to spar against him anymore. One of you was probably going to get yourself hurt, and you were no longer a hundred percent certain that it wasn’t going to be you.

                “Right now?” you ask as he leads you out of the room.

                “No better time than the present,” he says cheerfully, as he leads you down the corridor to see Rey. All of your senses told you to run, but you were divided as to whether you should run away from the truth, or towards it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. Huge thanks to J.A.M. for the technical flight analysis support. Seriously, when I had the idea to write this story, I knew it would be bold and it was daunting, but J.A.M. has been endlessly supportive and he's hoping that since my love of linguistics heavily influenced a lot of people, that this can help inspire others to get into more technical fields, and I hope he's right. What good is it to write fanfiction if you're not forcing people to learn new things too? ;) 
> 
> 2\. So, I just need to get this out there, I LOVE FINN. He's my favorite SWTFA character, seriously, and I seriously had a dream that I was sparring with John and I was kicking his butt and he was like, "Wow, you're so good!" and I couldn't believe that I was actually beating him and then he went off and Daisy came over and was like, "You know he wasn't really trying, right? He's a cinnamon roll, he wouldn't hurt anyone." So I just wanted to throw that in there before we get to blaster training, which was one of my favorite parts to write. FINN = <3 
> 
> 3\. Incredible things are happening!! Muzik_is_LifeX23 is making a playlist for A Flare in the Dark and A Candle in the Night too, which I am super, super excited about. I'd say if there were any two themes that immediately jumped out at me for the story, I would say the Reader's anthem would 100% be My Silver Lining by First Aid Kit and Retrograde by James Blake fits with a lot of the Kylo x Reader scenes from part 1, but beyond that, I'm not one with a good ear for music (ha!) so I'm really excited to see what she comes up with, and if you have any good ideas for songs that you want to see added to the playlist, please comment below or reach out to her on Tumblr @ dacianamusik23 (and go follow her, she's an awesome blogger, I swear!)


	9. Chapter 9

                “Rey spends a lot of time in here,” Finn tells you as you stop outside of a door on the far end of the base. “If you’re ever looking for her, you can probably find her in here. We call it her Green Room.”

                “Good to know,” you say, not sure what to expect on the other side. As the door slides open, you unconsciously brace yourself as you step through, not sure that you’ll like what you find. But you do like it. You like it a lot. There is a small path of stones that lead to a large stone circle in front of you, bordered on all sides by a stream of water that is flowing from somewhere else in the room. You can hear the soft babble of water flowing and you can see the small moat moving through the stones with somewhat of a current, but you can’t quite tell where it’s coming from. You look all around you, but the only thing that you can see is green, green everywhere, as the room is full of plants and flowers of all different shapes and colors and sizes. 

                “Do you like it?” Rey is sitting in the middle of the circle, her hands on her knees as if she is meditating, a quarter staff lying out on the ground in front of her. A smirk pulls at your lips as you run your thumb over your own staff at your side.

                “It’s beautiful,” you say in earnest, looking around at the lush vegetation all around you. If there was a more scenic place in the whole of the galaxy, you didn’t know where it was.

                “I grew up on Jakku,” she tells you. You nod, familiar with it. “All I knew was dirt and sand. And then I came here.” A smile spreads across her face. “The trees? The forest? It was beautiful. Poe and Finn made this room for me. They actually went out to different planets, scouting flowers and plants to bring back for me.”

                You look back towards Finn who just nods his head forward and scratches the back of his head, as if in embarrassment. “It’s amazing,” you say breathlessly, taking a few more steps into the room as you look at the vegetation all around you. The ceiling looks to be made of transparisteel, and you can see the clear sky above you. As you are gazing overhead, you can hear Finn clear his throat behind you.

                “She, uh, wanted to see-“

                “Of course.” You look down at her, not quite sure how she knew what you had been talking about. Was that the Force at work? Or had they already had this conversation?   

                “I’ll see you,” Finn says with a small wave, and he turns around and heads out of the room, leaving you standing there anxiously next to Rey, who didn’t seem affected in the slightest.

                “Sit down,” Rey says patiently, and you drop to the floor beside her. She seems so calm, so still, so at peace with herself that you almost feel uncomfortable just being in her presence. “I know what’s in your mind. I can read it off you. You are so conflicted, so lost.”

                You shrug your shoulders uncomfortably and scratch the skin on the back of your wrist. “Not _lost_ ,” you tell her. “I just feel like I don’t know who to trust.” Rey just nods quietly and looks at you with an unblinking gaze, waiting for you to continue. You immediately got the feeling that she already knew everything that you knew, that you couldn’t hide anything from her, and so you just get straight to the point. “I already opened up to Poe and Finn today, and Leia yesterday. For some reason, I feel like I shouldn’t have done that. I feel like-“

                “You’re betraying him?” Rey asks, tilting her head to the side.

                “Yes,” you say, finding some small sense of release in her acknowledgement. “Yes, exactly. I mean, I shouldn’t feel like I owe him anything, and yet-“ You shrug. “I don’t really know how to explain it. Do you want to see inside my head? Maybe that’ll make it easier.” She seems to hesitate for just the briefest of moments, and you immediately shut your mouth. _You_ could see inside people’s heads, but maybe not everyone could?

                “I was going to offer to let you go first,” Rey says with a slight chuckle. “I know how invasive it can seem.”

                “No, it’s fine,” you tell her. You let out a deep breath. “I’ve held onto everything for years, mulling it over in my head. I’ve talked about it with Ladson, some, but he’s never really been able to understand anything. Maybe you can help. I just, I don’t know, sometimes it just feels like I’m tearing myself apart trying to figure out what really happened up there.”

                “Okay,” Rey says, holding out her hands. You look down at them uncertainly. Kylo had always touched your temple, but maybe Rey had a different way of doing things. “Take my hands and focus on wherever you want me to begin. I’ll do the rest.”

                “Okay,” you say softly. You put your palms against hers and intertwine your fingers as you close your eyes, thinking about the first day you and Sadie had arrived on base. Thinking about how you had sat around with B and the others in the living room while B gave you your first lecture aboard the Starkiller Base. The first time you met Taro. The first time meeting Kylo Ren, his distinguished profile hidden beneath his signature mask-

                Suddenly it feels as if your mind goes blank, but in a pleasant way. You are still aware of the auditory sensations all around you. You can still hear the babble of water, listening to it drip and flow through the stream that surrounds you. You can feel the warm air, thick against your face, and you inhale the pleasant aroma of flowers and fresh vegetation all around you, but your mind does not actually process any conscious thought. You don’t think about Kylo Ren; you don’t go back through the memories with her. Instead, you get the sense that Rey has dulled your mind, numbed your senses, so that she could look through your thoughts while causing you as little pain as possible. It was a technique that must have required a great deal of patience and skill to master, the kind of persistence only a Jedi could have. Kylo Ren himself had been able to conquer the power behind the ability, but had never learned the discipline to make the technique as painless as possible, not that he would ever really have a reason to.

                When she finally pulls away, you can feel your heart beating incredibly slowly, and you almost feel like you had just been woken out of a deep sleep, relaxed and at ease. “What was that?” you ask softly, almost in awe.

                “The Force.” Rey lets out a small giggle, and you brush your hair out of your face.

                “So what do you think?” you ask. “If you really could read me when I walked in, you knew what I was thinking about. So, what do you think? Do I really love him? Did he really love me?”

                “I’m not sure,” Rey replies, and your heart momentarily skips a beat.

                “Not sure?” you ask, struggling to hold onto the remains of blissful serenity that you had achieved only a few brief moments ago. “How can you not be sure? I let you look through everything.”

                “I’m not sure because you’re not sure,” she says patiently. You stare at her for a moment, incredulous, before you just let your arms drop by your side. You should have known there would have been no easy answers, no easy solutions. Not even a Jedi could tell you what you really felt in your heart of hearts. Maybe Leia was right. She had sensed both light and dark inside of you, but you had thought that at your very core, you had to be either one or the other. But maybe you were both.

                “You need time,” Rey tells you. “Patience. You need to think.” It sounded wise, coming from her, but a small part of you couldn’t help but reject her advice as meaningless platitudes, and she seems to sense your reluctance. “But I can tell you that you can trust the people here. We want what’s best for Ani, and for you. We want you to be happy.”

                “Happy?” You’re not quite sure how to feel about this. _Happiness_ was just a happy byproduct of different experiences, of different occasions. It wasn’t anything that you had ever felt particularly inspired to achieve. What you _wanted_ to achieve was a strict sense of self-reliance, and Leia had promised you that much, by beginning your training in the areas where you could use it most.

                “You want to hate him,” Rey tells you. “You think it will be easier if you hate him, but hate will not bring you peace. It will not help you.”

                “Fear, anger, hatred,” you repeat, remembering what Kylo had explained to you about the dark side of the force. “Path to the dark side.”

                “Exactly,” she forces a smile before visibly hesitating. “I want to show you. I know you want answers, but it’s important that you try to look at this with an open mind.”

                “An open mind?” you repeat. “I just need to know what happened.”

                She pauses, as if she’s about to caution you further, but seems to decide against it. She puts her hands on her knees and bows her head. “Go ahead.”

                You hesitate for a moment. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

                She looks back up at you and smiles. “Don’t worry; you will not cause me any pain.” You let out a deep breath and decide to take her word for it. You’re about to ask her what you’re looking for when she says, “I’ll tell you what you need to see.”

                _Would your own powers ever be that good? Or would you have to be a Jedi to be that good? Something mythic? Something pure?_ You shake your head and try to focus, putting the fingertips of both hands against her temple. She doesn’t make a sound as you close your eyes, and the visions come to you at once, as if she’s pushing them into your own head.

                You see everything in one long uninterrupted reel that’s being played on fast forward. Rey running into BB-8 on Jakku. Rey meeting Finn. Rey and Finn escaping from the First Order on the Millennium Falcon, the ship you had arrived here in, and meeting Han Solo. _Han Solo._ It was hard to place from just snatches in Rey’s vision, but it did appear that Ren had shared at least some facial features with his father. Something happens, and it gets blurry for a moment, as if Rey is speeding up through it. You see green, trees, and you know without her telling you that you’re on Takodana. At first you want to ask her why she’s speeding up, as if there’s something she doesn’t want you to see, when suddenly she stops in the forest, and it’s as if time slows down to a crawl.

                You can see her running away from something, turning around to fire a blaster shot at some cloaked figure coming towards her, looming between two large rocks, and you know at once that it’s Kylo. But, for some reason, you don’t feel comforted like you usually do when you see him. Instead, you feel her fear, Rey’s fear. You can hear her frantic gasps of breath as she runs, feel the terror running like ice through her veins as she struggles to get away. She spins around to take one more shot at Kylo Ren when suddenly her entire body freezes as Kylo holds up his hand.

                “The girl I’ve heard so much about,” he says, and your heart skips a beat to hear his voice again, even through the familiar distortion of his mask. “The droid? Where is it?” Suddenly you can feel the warmth of the lightsaber against your – _her –_ neck, and your heart trembles in your chest. You think you’re starting to feel yourself sweat, and in a moment, you know you are, as a burst of pain jolts through your head as Kylo reaches out to probe her mind. You know he is looking for the map, but you are also halfway distracted by the fact that you notice he’s not touching her, simply holding his hand out in front of her face. Was that a sign that his power had improved? Did he no longer need to be physically touching someone to read their mind? Or was that simply something he had done to get closer to you?

                Nevertheless, you are almost shaking with fear, and you can see tears pooling in her vision as she stares out at the forest in front of her. She is trying desperately to move, you can feel her struggling to even turn her head, but she can’t even do that much, and the sudden paralyzation of her limbs terrifies her in a way you can’t describe. You had never been afraid of Kylo Ren this way, never, and you think you can understand now why Rey was reluctant to let you see this. You had let Rey through your memories, let her see how you were intimate with him – although you were personally hoping she just sort of blew past the graphic depictions of your encounters with him – but for some reason, this felt a thousand times more personal. She was not only afraid, she was absolutely petrified, in fear for her life. You had always sort of quietly embraced the possibility of your death with a keen sense of reluctance, but Rey suddenly reminded you of Sadie, helpless and terrified without knowing how to defend herself, without knowing what new horror would await her the next time she opened her eyes.

                You watch as Kylo used the Force to knock her unconscious, and the next time she awoke was in an interrogation room. You immediately recognize from the walls that she was in the Starkiller Base, and it made your heart jump with elation for a moment to recognize a place where you had spent so much of your time. “Where am I?” you hear Rey’s shaky voice in your head.

                “You’re my guest,” Kylo says, and you can’t help but swallow as Kylo’s words came back to you, after he had promised to spare your life. _Slave. Prisoner. Guest._ Rey asks about her friends, and Kylo tells her that he has no idea. The encounter is surprisingly reminiscent of when you were on the Starkiller Base, asking about _your_ friends, and Kylo had told you then too that he didn’t know, he had simply left that up to Hux.

                Rey calls him a creature in a mask, and you can feel your own heart thumping loudly in your chest as he takes off his helmet. _Kylo._ Your entire body seems to lunge towards just the thought of him as you see his full hair, his dark eyes, his sharp nose, his full lips…it was him, just like you’d remembered him. He was _there._ He was _real_. After not seeing him for so many years with only a scarf to keep you company, it was so easy to let your mind believe that he was someone that you had just made up, even though Ani was a living, breathing reminder of your experience aboard the Starkiller Base.

                But your enthusiasm at seeing his face again is quickly dampened by Rey’s sense of fear and distrust as he draws closer to her, looming over her as he asks her about the map. She refuses to answer him, and that’s when he says the same words he had said to you, although at that time the context had been entirely different. “You know I can take whatever I want.” Her heart pounds in her chest, and for a moment your own heart feels like it’s being shredded in half as your memory of him saying those words coincides with hers, your elation mixing with her panic. He starts to probe her mind, and you can feel her distress, her agony, as if it were your own, and for the first time since you had met him, you wanted to be away from him, to be free of him once and for all.

                He is able to probe through her mind, but she is able to push back against him. You can feel the power of the Force building between them as they push back against each other, and for a moment you wonder if this is what it felt like when he had been pushing at the wall in your head the first time, back when you weren’t really sure how to explain the power that you had. She’s able to get into his mind, too fast for you to see, but she calls him on his fear of never being as strong as Darth Vader, and he leaves the room.

                You’re too overcome by her emotions, her terror, her panic, and you’re emotionally exhausted. You want it to end there but it keeps going. She pushes past a whole new sequence of memories and suddenly she is there beside Finn, looking down over a long bridge as Han approaches Kylo. You can hear Kylo telling him that his son is gone, and for a moment you wonder if he means Ben, or the Kylo that you knew, was gone as well.

                You can hear Han telling him that Snoke is using him for his power, asking him to come home. Kylo tells him that he’s being torn apart, that he wants to be free of his pain, but it doesn’t sound real, not to your ears, although you’re not sure if your perception is tainted as you know what’s to come. Regardless, you feel Rey’s bewilderment, and she spins around suddenly to see the light being eclipsed, plunging the room in total darkness. She hears the hum of his lightsaber before she sees it, but before she can even cry out, she sees the tip of the lightsaber plunge through Han’s chest. You feel her shock and grief as if it is your own, and you bite your own lip to keep from crying out as Han’s body tumbles to the depths below.

                You see a Wookiee, the same Wookiee you had met earlier, Chewie, fire a shot from a bowcaster into Kylo’s side, and he drops to one knee. Your mind immediately rushes to panic, wanting to make sure Kylo’s all right, but you don’t have time to see more as Rey and Finn run off into the forest. Somehow, and you’re really not sure how, Kylo manages to get in front of them. Rey can see that he is bleeding quite badly, and yet he still pounds at the wound in his side, as if he can draw power from his pain.

                Rey draws a blaster but he simply holds up his hand and throws her back, far into the trees. You can feel her body crash against the tree painfully, and she’s blissfully unconscious for the next few moments so she doesn’t have to feel herself crash into the snow. The wet cold is there, though, when she opens her eyes, just in time to hear Finn crying out in pain. Her vision is blurry, and it takes a few blinks to clear it. You watch Finn and Kylo duel for a few minutes, but it’s clear to you from your own sparring with him that Kylo is just toying with him. He knocks the lightsaber out of Finn’s hand, and then, as Finn is getting up, strikes him vertically up his spine.

                _NO!_ You are overcome with such shock and with such dread that you immediately break the connection. Your hands are shaking and for a moment you think that Finn really _is_ dead, for a brief moment before you remember that he had just left the room. You force yourself to remember running your fingertips down that scar on his back, force yourself to remember that he lived.

                “Do you want to see all of it?” Rey’s voice is thick with emotion, and you can tell it wasn’t any easier for her to relive any of this than it was for you to see it. You hesitate, just for a moment, but it’s enough of an answer. She grabs your wrists in both hands and forces your palms to her temples as you shut your eyes and reopen the link.

                Rey and Kylo spar, they duel, trading blows back and forth, but you didn’t want to see it, not like this. You had always wondered what it would be like to spar against him, and now that you were experiencing it, really living through it, feeling the adrenaline and the terror drip through Rey’s bloodstream, you never wanted to experience anything like it. She was so terrified that she would slip or make one wrong move at it would cost her life at any moment, and you couldn’t help but feel your hands shaking as you tried to keep the connection. He finally corners her over a ravine, and for a moment you’re terrified he’s going to deliver the plunging blow and send her to her death before you remember that these are her memories, and she’s right there in front of you.

                “You need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the Force.”

                You blink for a moment, trying to let that register in your mind. _Show her-?_ But suddenly you’re overcome with a new sensation, one that you had felt only a handful of times before, Rey letting herself open up to the Force, letting herself truly accept it, letting it flow through her. She pushes him back, and she can literally feel him growing physically weaker as she fights him, driving him back. You see her plunge both their lightsabers down into the snow, and then suddenly you know what’s coming before it happens.

                Rey pushes him back and flicks her wrists upwards, and the lightsaber strikes him across the face, leaving a jagged scar running across his pale skin. She wants to kill him, every ounce of her is screaming to kill him, both as revenge for herself and for Finn and for Han, but she rejects the notion, rejects the dark side, and instead runs back to Finn as a chasm opens between them.

                You pull your hands away shakily, not knowing if there’s any more to see, not wanting to see any more than there was. Your hands are trembling in your lap, and for some reason you feel as though you’re about to be physically ill with all of the emotions running through you. You had never felt that afraid of him, never, in your entire life, never once aboard the Starkiller Base. But Rey, you had felt her emotions as if they were your own-

                “I told you to keep an open mind,” Rey says gently. “Those were my experiences, my emotions. Your experience with him was quite different.”

                “But after what he did to you-“ Your voice trails off and you shake your head, remembering all of it in flashes. You clearly remember the jolt of terror that ran through her the first time she had set eyes on his mask, everything in her body telling her to run… “Tell me that wasn’t real,” you tell her. You know denial will get you nowhere, and she just bows her head, not answering. “He couldn’t do that,” you insist. “He wouldn’t-“

                Something else comes back to you. _“You need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the Force.”_

                “What did that mean?” you ask her. “What did he mean by that? Did he forget about me? Did he forget about Ani? He was supposed to come back to train _him_ , he was supposed to-“

                “No,” Rey says firmly, looking back up at you. Her face is the sternest that you’ve ever seen it. “No, he has not forgotten you.”

                You can feel your heart rising in your chest, just for a moment, but you’re almost repulsed by the sick sense of relief that fills you. “How do you know?”

                “When I was able to push into his mind, I saw fear,” she explains. “I saw flashes of things. I saw his fear that he would never do what he wanted to accomplish. He wants power and authority above all else, but he has many fears, and in it, I saw you.”

                “Saw me?” you ask. “You mean, he was afraid of me?”

                She shakes her head. “I didn’t know it was you at first,” Rey tells you. “I had never met you. But when Leia told us about a girl that was coming to the base, a girl that had given birth to Kylo Ren’s child, I knew it was you, I just knew.” She hesitates. “I didn’t know for sure, until I saw your memories just now, but I think he wanted to protect you. You and Ani both.”

                “So it was real?” you demand. “What he felt for me was real?”

                She looks at you, and you can see real pity in her eyes. “That doesn’t matter,” she says patiently. “What matters is how _you_ feel.”

                “I feel-“ you cover your face with both hands. _Confused. Overwhelmed._ “-angry. Seeing what he did to you, to Finn, to his own father-“ You shake your head. “I don’t know you, any of you, not really, but you’ve been kind to me. You didn’t deserve that.”

                “But this is a war,” Rey tells you, repeating your own words back at you. “And in war-“

                “A war innocent people keep getting swept up in,” you insist. “If BB-8 hadn’t met you back on Jakku-“

                She smiles, a soft, knowing smile, and you stop to stare at her. “Sometimes, good things can come out of the bad,” she tells you. “It’s more complicated than you know, but this, this was my destiny. To become a Jedi? That was always my destiny.”

                You stare at her, lips pursed. “And what about me? What is my destiny?”

                “You need to decide that for yourself,” she says patiently.

                You feel yourself start to get overwhelmed again, start to feel like crying, and you don’t know what you can do to stop it, but all you know is you don’t want to cry right here, right in front of her. “What am I?” you ask her. “Can you tell me that much? Am I dark? Am I light? What am I?”

                “You are what you choose to be,” Rey says firmly. “I will train you. You will get stronger, and you will be able to figure out where your power lies.”

                You take a few deep breaths in and out, trying to get yourself under control. “This has nothing to do with Kylo,” you say at length. “He taught me how to channel the Force, and we had the Force bond, and I think I let it consume me, to some extent. I think part of me wanted to be consumed, to be with him, I would have done anything.” You shake your head. “Is that wrong?”

                “It’s not wrong,” Rey tells you. “You wanted power to protect your friends.”

                “But at what point did it go past that?” you ask her. “At some point it went past that and I don’t know where. I don’t know where I ended and Kylo began. I don’t know-“ You lock both your hands together and press them to your mouth, pushing your knuckles against your lips. “I don’t know, I just don’t know. I don’t know if I love him. I don’t know if I did, I don’t know if I can. I still don’t know how he felt about me and I know it shouldn’t matter but I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t stop obsessing over it. I’ve been dwelling on this for years, as if that was all my life was, waiting for him to come back so I can have meaning again, to have some sort of purpose and I was never like that before and I just, I just don’t know if I lost myself or if I was always that way or how to go back to the way I was if I wasn’t.”

                “You can never go back,” Rey says patiently. “The answers you seek are in front of you, not behind you.”

                You turn to her sharply. “You were asked to show me that,” you tell her. She says nothing, just stares at you with her firm, unblinking gaze. “She, Leia, or, or someone, they asked you to show me that, to show me the horrible things Kylo had done so I would give up on him completely, so I would join your side-“

                Rey has the decency to look surprised, although you can’t tell if her expression is genuine. “Is that what you believe?” she asks. When you don’t answer, she ventures further. “You’re right. I was asked to show you what he’s done, but only in regards to help answer the questions that you wanted answers to. I don’t believe the Resistance plans on using you for anything.”

                You shake your head. You had wanted answers, but you had no idea that you would get them so quickly. You knew you were the one who had wanted to get inside her head, wanted to see as much as possible, but for some reason it just seemed easier to blame someone else for what you had just experienced.  “What about the questions I have about him?” you ask her. “Who’s going to answer those?”

                She just smiles at you good-naturedly. “Life doesn’t always work out the way we expect, or want.”

                “I know,” you breathe. You still feel an uncomfortable knot in your chest. “Is there any way you could do that mind dampening thing again? Because I feel like shit right now, and I don’t know if I can take this.”

                “I have something better,” she tells you. You let her pull you to your feet, and you’re surprised that she seems almost as strong as Finn is, jerking you up quickly with one outstretched hand. She wraps her arms around you suddenly, and you return her embrace, wrapping your arms tightly around her as you rest your cheek against her shoulder, trying to find comfort in the most human of all gestures.

                It’s a while before she finally pulls away again. “Feel better?” she asks. The same chipper tone you heard yesterday was back in her voice, and you let yourself be infected by her optimism.

                “I guess,” you say with a shrug of your shoulders. She fixes you with her hazel eyes, and you let out a sigh. “Okay, yes.”

                “Good,” she says, taking one of your hands in both of hers. “Don’t push yourself too quickly; everything will come in time. For now, just focus on your training and trust us, we’re here to help you.”

                “I’m keeping an open mind,” you tell her, and she grins happily.

                “Now, how about we get some dinner?” she asks you. “I’m sure the others are already there, and I don’t believe you’ve eaten yet.”

                You wrinkle up your nose and turn your head to look at her as she drags you through the halls. “Is that a Force ability? Sensing when someone hasn’t eaten?”

                “No,” she responds lightly. “Your stomach kept growling when I was in your head. It was quite distracting; I don’t know how you didn’t notice.” She lets out a carefree laugh and you return it, feeling the warmth of her palm against yours as she leads you to get some food. You can find strength in it, and if you’re not mistaken, the hint of a connection flowing between you. Kylo may have been the first person you connected with, fully, but maybe there were others that you could connect with as well. You were never going to be truly self-reliant if you kept getting influenced by those around you, but then again, a positive influence and a little support were hardly bad things, were they?  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously do have a headcanon that Poe and Finn would literally build Rey a room that's just full of different plants and flowers and Rey would love them all and spend all her time in there. Also, tomorrow's chapter is my favorite, like tomorrow....is so good, I'm not going to lie, I can't wait until tomorrow, so....until tomorrow it is then, cheers!!


	10. Chapter 10

                 “This is the mess hall,” Rey tells you as you walk into a really, really, really large room. It’s crowded, and there’s so many people inside that you’re not quite sure you can even see the back of the room. On the Starkiller Base, nonhuman species and high-functioning droids were a rare sight, but this base seemed to be home to a diverse mix of species from all over the galaxy: humans, aliens, and droids alike. You could see a tall, gold humanoid robot trying to make his way through the crowd, uttering strings of, “Excuse me” and “Oh dear me, I’m very sorry” as he happened to accidently brush shoulders with the many people around him.

                 It’s too social for your tastes, too crowded, too packed, but Rey just tightens her grip on your hand as she leads you confidently through the mob and leads you over to a table for six, where Ladson, Ani, Poe, and Finn are already sitting.

                 “Hi there,” Rey says as she slips into a seat to the left of Poe. Poe looks up at you and immediately slides out of his chair, bowing as he offers the chair to you dramatically.

                 “You don’t have to-“

                 “Sit,” he says, and you obediently scoot into the seat next to Rey, across from Ladson and next to Ani. “I’ll get you girls some food.” He disappears into the crowd before you even have time to protest.

                 “Mommy-“ Ani scoots out of his chair and comes toward you, and you pick him up under his underarms as you hoist him into your lap.

                 “There’s my little man,” you say, ruffling his short dark hair. “What’d you do today? Did you stay out of trouble?”

                 “I made friends,” Ani replies. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Rey and Finn grinning at him, watching little Ani with amusement.

                 “Yeah?” you ask. “Lots of friends?”

                 “Lots,” Ani replies, clapping his hands together.

                 “Yeah?” you echo. “Were they nice?” Ani nods his head up and down dramatically, and you bop him on the nose with the tip of your finger. “Good.”

                 Suddenly Ani spins around and grabs Rey’s quarterstaff from where she had it resting on the table. “Hey,” you say, trying to pull it out of his grip. “No-“

                “It’s fine,” Rey says with a light chuckle, and you sigh as Ani crawls off your lap. He crawls under the table and collapses onto his butt, hitting the leg of the table with the staff, giggling his head off. You turn to Rey with a hint of apology in your eyes, but she just shakes her head. “It’s fine,” she says. “Really.”

                You turn back to Ladson, who is sitting watching you with the front of his knuckles pressed over his mouth. You know what that means. You wait for Finn to say something to Rey before you engage him, picking up your hands. _You okay?_

Ladson responds back to you in fluent Tortuarune, making a sliding gesture across his palm with his first two outstretched fingers. _Honestly? The food here sucks._

You shake your head as you grin, making a fist and shaking it back and forth in Sadie’s signature name sign. _Better than Sadie’s?_

He just shrugs. You think about asking if it’s better than Shayne’s, but with Shayne probably dead, it seemed best not to mention it. You still hadn’t really gotten over how Ladson didn’t seem to really care about trying to save Shayne’s life, not even a little bit. You didn’t know what to make of it, but it was just always there, reasserting itself from the depths of your mind when you didn’t want it to.

                _Things go okay for you today?_ he asks, the thumb and pinky finger on both hands extended as he bounces the sign up and down slightly, palms facing up.

                You cross both of your index fingers over each other to make a little _X_ , both fingers pointed down _. Depends._

 _Poe?_ His name is so short; Ladson spells out the name quickly, sliding the _P_ into an _E,_ skipping over the _O_.

                You shrug, twisting your middle finger against your palm with your index finger outstretched. _I mean, he’s okay, although-_

His index and middle finger slam shut over his thumb. _No. Poe._

 _What?_ You put your index finger against your thumb and drag it down as you see Poe put a plate of food in front of you, and that’s when you suddenly realize what Ladson was getting at.

                “Thank you,” you say quickly. You glance back at Ladson, who immediately looks away as Poe drops down into the chair that Ani had previously occupied.

                “What was that?” Poe asks, pointing between you and Ladson. “More, uh, what’s it called-?”

                “ _Tortuarune_ ,” Ladson tells him, making sure to sign it as he said it.

                “Oh yeah,” Poe says, jerking his head forward in a series of quick little nods. “Yeah, you got to teach me a little bit sometime.”

                Ladson rolls his eyes, but for some reason, you’re not as annoyed by that sentiment as you usually are. Literally everyone that saw you signing at one point or another was quick to come up to you and profess how they “always wanted to learn” and insisted that you “show them a sign or two.” They didn’t mean anything malicious by it, you knew that, but it quickly became annoying when literally every single person you interacted with in your day came up to you and said those exact words on a daily basis. The fact, then, that it didn’t annoy you when Poe said it, was confusing in and of itself.

                “Yeah, maybe,” you reply as pleasantly as you can, and Ladson narrows his eyes at you, immediately knowing something was up the second you didn’t give Poe the brush off.

                “So how was Force training?” Poe asks, completely unaware of his social faux-pas.

                “Good,” you say, your voice brighter than it probably should have been. Ladson picks up on your tone immediately, after all, he had lived with you for the past five years, but it’s good enough to fool anyone else who might be listening. You face front so that Rey can hear you better as well. “Rey is a fantastic teacher.”

                “I’ll drink to that,” Finn says as he picks up his cup. Rey just giggles as she shakes her head at you, but otherwise says nothing. “She kicked my butt today though,” Finn says, pointing at you. “I’d watch out for her.”

                “She nearly crashed us this morning,” Poe says with good humor, and you turn to him sharply as you playfully hit his arm.

                “Did not,” you huff as you turn to your plate of food. You’re about to take a bite when you notice Ani crawling out under the table, having watched you hit Poe’s arm. “Ani, what are you doing?”

                You see Ani bring down Rey’s staff against Poe’s side, and although you can’t imagine it would hurt much being hit by a five-year-old, you see Poe flinch. “Okay, Ani, stop,” you tell him, but he keeps trying to hit Poe with it. “I said _stop_.” Suddenly the staff freezes in mid-strike, and Ani pouts as he lets go of it. You hadn’t even realized that your hand was suddenly slightly outstretched in front of you, palm open. The staff hovers in the air for a moment, held in place by the power of the Force, before you float it into your open palm. You can’t help but catch the expression on Poe’s face, but you avoid his eyes as you close your fingers around the staff and hand it back to Rey. “Better hold onto this.”

                Rey just nods quickly as Ani crawls into Ladson’s lap, upset, but not crying. “I should take him back,” Ladson says quickly, standing up and hoisting Ani onto his shoulder.

                “Good idea,” you say, pushing back your chair to stand up as well. “I’ll go-“

                “You stay and eat,” Ladson says sharply, and you scooch back into the table and stare down at your plate as he walks off. An uncomfortable silence has worked its way into the air, and you push your food around your plate with your fork, unable to bring yourself to eat.

                You remembered when you had sat and ate with Ladson and Shayne and Sadie and B and C back on the Starkiller Base, when you all had dinner together. Ladson may not have liked Shayne, but he at least made sure there was _never_ an awkward silence, always filling in the spaces of conversation with useless bits of trivia or knowledge that he had picked up on one of his assignments. You were never really talkative in groups, preferring to reserve your usual snarky self for one-on-one conversations, but you didn’t like silence, especially awkward silence, around people you barely knew. Aside from their little adventure as to how they all met each other, you didn’t really have any idea who these people were, and yet you had already blabbed to each of them about how much you loved Kylo Ren. You may not have used those exact words, but you had insinuated it to Poe, Finn had picked up on it, and Rey had seen it firsthand. At least you had the good sense to be embarrassed by it.

                _I should go back_ , you think bitterly to yourself. _I should just leave Ani here and go. He’ll be safe here and it’s pretty obvious by now that they all just see me as a stupid girl who can’t think about anything but Kylo Ren._

 _Give it time._ A new voice, a gentle voice, rises up out of the depths of your mind. _Your relationship with him is not all that you are. We all see that. We all see the strength in you. You’re conflicted now, but you will get stronger. You will figure things out in time._

                You cast a side glance at Rey, and she smiles knowingly at you. You return it quickly, before turning back to your own food and picking up your fork, taking a tentative bite. “You’re doing it again, aren’t you?” Finn asks. “You’re doing that Jedi mind speak thing again, aren’t you?”

                “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Rey says lightly, turning to you. “Do you know what he’s talking about?”

                “Haven’t a clue,” you reply, although the laughter in your voice is palpable. You’re worried that the table is going to lapse into awkward silence again, but Rey starts talking animatedly about one of her scavenging adventures back on Jakku, and you listen with interest as you eat. You’re so engrossed in her tale that you don’t even run away as soon as you’ve finished eating, but sit as you listen to them talk and laugh and swap jokes back and forth. It’s clear that they’re all really good friends, but you still can’t help but feel like the odd one out. You scoot away from the table slowly, trying not to draw too much attention to yourself.

                “Leaving already?” Finn asks, and you hesitate.

                “I should really go check on Ani,” you tell him. “But uh, I’ll see you guys all tomorrow, right?”

                “Bright and early,” Poe confirms as Finn ducks behind Rey, blasting you with finger guns. You just laugh and shake your head as you give a small wave and head out into the corridor, letting your feet guide you back to your room.

                It was almost ironic. Back on the Starkiller Base, when you had officially become Kylo Ren’s slave or prisoner or guest or whatever you wanted to call it, you were worried that he was going to be able to get inside your head twenty-four seven, and you would never be able to have an original thought without him listening in on it. You felt like you were constantly going to have to mold yourself and shape your thoughts into whatever he wanted to hear. Of course, he had said he stayed out, and pretty soon after you were able to construct a mental shield strong enough that you knew you could keep him out, but things seemed to be different with Rey. She and Leia both seemed quick to read you, and although in truth you hadn’t bothered to put up any sort of mental barrier, you wondered if that was a strength of the light side, to quickly pick up on the emotions and impressions of other people. You had been quite adept at reading the emotions and body language of others, especially Kylo Ren, and it was a trait that had made you such a good interpreter. Was that aspect of your Force abilities part of the light side? If so, could you develop it to be as strong as hers?

                You think it over. It was interesting, truly, that you didn’t really mind the fact that Rey was able to get into your head so easily, although part of you wondered if that was your doing. You were so distressed, so desperate for answers, so eager for someone, anyone, to tell you what to do and how to feel about your situation with Kylo that maybe you were broadcasting your thoughts on speaker-level volume, anxious for anyone to weigh in on them. And maybe it wasn’t so bad if she could hear them, cancelling out your self-doubts and assuring you that you were wanted here. You needed some kind of assurance from someone, from anyone, but especially from Rey. You had been able to get inside her head and you could sense her, just as you had once been able to sense Kylo, and you sensed no maliciousness towards you from her. Then again, you hadn’t really sensed any from Kylo, and you let out a sigh as the mental circle completed itself. Somehow or another, your thoughts always ran straight back to him.

                It’s at least a small relief as you hold up your keycard that you get it right on the first swipe, and the door opens up for you immediately. You walk into the living room where Ladson is sitting, stretched out along one of the couches. “Ani asleep?” you ask quietly.

                “Out like a light,” Ladson replies. You sigh and remove your staff from its holster, turning it over in your hands.

                “How were things today?” you ask at length as you plop down on the couch across from him. “With Ani, I mean? Making lots and lots of new friends?”

                “Seems that way,” Ladson mutters under his breath. “Everyone seems to be going out of their way to be super nice to him.”

                “They know who he is,” you say with a shrug of your shoulders. “Or rather, they know who his father is.”

                “Yeah,” Ladson says softly. “By the way, ran into the General. Leia?” You look up at him immediately. “Didn’t really feel right without you there, but we just sort of bumped into her in the halls, and I let her spend some time with Ani.”

                “It’s fine,” you say quickly, but you can’t quell an anxious feeling that has risen in your chest. “You were there watching the whole time, though, right?”

                “Yeah,” Ladson says. “She introduced herself as his grandma. I was surprised she did that, but I mean-“

                “She wants to protect him,” you tell him. “Kylo was influenced by Snoke, and she’s worried that Ani will end up just like him. Maybe she thinks if he knows who she is, he’ll feel more comfortable opening up to her, if not us.”

                “It’s a valid concern,” Ladson admits. “She, uh, took me aside and explained everything. I mean, Sadie had already told me what Ren had done to her brother, but the rest of it-“ he shakes his head as he says your name. “You sure know how to pick ‘em.”

                “He was never mean to me,” you insist. “I don’t know, it’s been so many years now, I can’t keep it straight in my head anymore, but I-“ you hesitate, but only for a moment. This was Ladson. “I opened up to everyone today, more or less.”

                “You what?” Ladson asks, leaning forward.

                “I told people things,” you tell him. “I told Poe that it wasn’t so bad there, Finn guessed that I sort of had feelings for him, and Rey-“ you shrug your shoulders. “We mind tapped each other. I let her see what happened on the Starkiller Base, and she let me see what he did to her.”

                He pauses, looking you over. “From what Leia told me, it sounded-“

                “Bad?” you ask, and you can feel Rey’s fear in your veins again, as if it was your own. You were hoping that it was only a brief side effect and that you wouldn’t feel like this for much longer. “It was terrible. Worse than terrible. It was traumatic and frightening and scary and-“ You shake your head. “If I didn’t see it myself, I’m not sure I would have believed that it was Kylo doing it.”

                “People change,” Ladson says simply.

                “But did he change?” you demand. “He killed all of the other Jedi students years before I even met him. He was always _capable_ of doing bad things, and yet somehow, that never felt real to me, like I never felt like he could really do those things.”

                “He messed with your head,” Ladson shrugged. “Like they messed with mine. It’s not-“

                “But I don’t think he did,” you tell him. “If it was really just mind control or something, shouldn’t it have worn off by now? I haven’t _seen_ him in years. I shouldn’t still be this in love with him unless it was something I really felt.”

                “Are you really in love with him?” Ladson asks. “Still? After everything?”

                “Would you think less of me if I told you that I still kind of want to be?” you whisper. “I think there’s something really wrong with me, Lad. I can’t stop thinking about what he did to her, and yet I keep wanting to hear his side, like there’s some sort of justification for it.”

                “Because it’s war?” Ladson asks. “Because that’s what happens in wars? People fight? People get hurt? People die?”

                “You know I always used to think that,” you say softly. “But is it weird that I, I don’t know, I don’t really think that anymore? I don’t know.” You sink your face into both hands. “I don’t know, I don’t know what to really think anymore. I just don’t know. Things are so messed up right now.”

                “We’ve been here two days,” Ladson reminds you. “Not even. You’ve barely eaten, you’ve barely slept, and you’re stressed out. You-“

                “But it’s been years,” you remind him. “Kylo hasn’t come back for me in years. I don’t know, I just, part of me wants to just move on, forget he ever existed, but Ani is right there, and he’s going to be getting old enough to put the pieces together soon. Why his dad’s not around, why he never came back for him, and if he really does begin to develop his Force powers on his own, he’s going to be able to read me, and sense why Kylo really never came back. He’s going to learn about the awful things he’s done through me, and I don’t know how to explain any of that to him.”

                “He’s going to find out eventually,” Ladson says firmly. “We’ll tell him when we think he’s ready and if he finds out before then, then we’ll sit down and explain it to him then. He’s going to grow up; you can’t keep it from him forever.”

                “I guess,” you reply sullenly. “Honestly I wish Kylo had just come back for us, that he would have given up on the First Order and just taken me and Ani and run off to some faraway planet and stayed there until this whole war blew over.”

                “That sounds like wishful thinking,” Ladson says. “It also sounds like the kind of crap that Sadie loves to read.”

                You laugh quietly to yourself. “I don’t know, it’s weird. On one hand I wish she was here, but on the other hand, I’m glad she’s not, because I know if she found out the rest of the sick stuff that Kylo’s done, she would tell me that I’m not allowed to even think about him ever, ever again.”

                “Because she cares,” Ladson says. “Because she doesn’t want to see you get hurt.”

                “A little late for that,” you snap. “I don’t know, I just can’t help but think about how stupid this whole thing is. Like, when did I become the sort of person that would just wait around years for a guy? Why am I obsessing over whether or not I love Kylo so much anyway? Shouldn’t I just embrace logic and say the guy’s a jerk, he’s long since forgotten me, and move on with my life?”

                “Maybe you’re using him as a crutch,” Ladson offers. “Maybe you’re using him to distract yourself from something that’s really bothering you.”

                “Possible,” you mutter under your breath, although you don’t know what sort of dark truth you’re trying to keep from yourself.

                “Or,” Ladson offers. “Maybe it is this Force thing. You said you were bonded with him through the Force, right? Maybe those bonds don’t break. Maybe they don’t go away. Maybe you really _are_ bound to him, like, forever.”

                “Oh, that’s fantastic,” you murmur. “I’m eternally bound to a psychotic murderer who tortured and tried to kill my three new best pals.”

                “New best pals?” Ladson asks, raising his eyebrows.

                “They’re helping to train me,” you say with a shrug. “They’re making me stronger, making me more self-reliant-“

                “But you don’t think that’s odd?” Ladson asks. “I know Leia wants you to be able to better protect Ani, but how can you do that when you’re busy all day training? I mean, granted, I can protect him myself, but you don’t think she’s maybe training you for something else?”

                “It’s possible,” you tell him, fidgeting with your lower lip. “I don’t know, Rey said something to me about destiny. I’ve never really thought about it, but maybe the reason I’m still so torn up over Kylo is because I’m not quite done with him yet. Maybe I still have a part to play in all of this. Maybe as much as I wanted to stay out of this war, maybe I’m a part of it, whether I like it or not, and I just have to accept that.”

                “Destiny?” Ladson asks, shaking his head. “Okay, that’s when I know that you’ve been up too long. Go to bed. Get some sleep. I don’t want to hear from Poe that you’ve almost crashed his ship again.”

                “I did not,” you huff moodily, but Ladson’s already stood up. You press yourself into him in a quick hug before you pull away.

                “Just get some sleep,” he says. “We can go back to sparring at nights if you want. We can move these couches aside to get some space, and I’m sure Ani will love it. It’ll be just like old times.” You smile to yourself, remembering how the first time you had sparred with Ladson, you had done it to help him get out of his own head, as he phrased it, to help distract him from his unease aboard the Starkiller Base. Now the tables had turned and it looked like he was doing the same for you.

                “Thanks,” you say quietly as you turn and head into your room. This time, you make sure to undress before you curl up into the blankets and lay your head down on the pillows. The bed was comfortable, really comfortable, and you almost regretted not curling up properly last night. You were tired, but your brain still kept churning away, throwing out hypothetical after hypothetical about why Kylo hadn’t returned, about why Kylo had done the things he did. You’re still trying to figure out if he really ever loved you when Rey’s words come back to you. It didn’t _matter_ how Kylo felt about you; all that mattered was how you felt about him. You had always known that Kylo killed people, but those were just nameless faces, and it hadn’t mattered then. You had never seen the people he killed, or the hurt he caused to those around him. You hadn’t known then, which only led you to one question: could you still love him, knowing what you knew now?

                It was a simple question, but it wasn’t going to get a simple answer. A part of you wanted to say yes, and a part of you wanted to say no. On a moral basis alone, you couldn’t love a murderer, it didn’t seem right. On the other hand, part of you only wondered if it was that strict moral center that was holding you back. If you loved him, really admitted that you loved him, in spite of all he had done, what did that say about you? It seemed rational to assume that it meant you were massively fucked up in the head. It seemed rational to assume that you had been brainwashed, and you were still suffering the effects of it. It seemed rational to assume that you had done whatever you could to survive on the Starkiller Base, and you were still suffering from some sort of post traumatic shock from the whole ordeal.

                No, it wasn’t simple, that was for damn certain.

                Regardless, you fall asleep quickly. In fact, you were asleep faster than you usually were. As soon as you closed your eyes and your head settled into the pillows, a dream started playing in your mind. You were still in bed, a big, warm, comfortable bed, but this was a little different. As you sat up, you realized that you were in a room that looked extremely familiar, and yet you still had trouble placing it. The walls were all white, pristine and clean, and they all seemed to glow, as if illuminated by rays of natural sunlight even though you couldn’t see any windows.

                Your eyelids fluttered as you felt a feather-light touch run down the bare skin on your arm, and as you rolled over, you came face to face with Kylo for the first time in years. He looked the same as he always had when you rolled over in bed beside him, with no visible scar on his face or anything. No, it was just him, his dark eyes, his mussed hair, his full lips parted slightly as he whispers your name.

                “Kylo-“ The word comes out in a breathless whisper, as if you can’t believe he’s really here, right in front of you.

                He reaches up and strokes your cheek with the backs of his knuckles, and you shudder under his touch. You can feel him; you can really feel the warmth of his hand against your tender skin. He tilts his head to the side, appraising you, but when he speaks, his voice is sad. “You doubt me.”

                Your eyes fly open as you stare at him. “No, no, I-“ You shake your head. “No, I don’t doubt you. I’m just confused. I miss you.” He just gazes at you sadly as he continues stroking your face, and you can feel your heart breaking in your chest. “You’ve been gone for years, Kylo, why didn’t you come back?”

                He doesn’t answer, just fixes you with his stern gaze. “Do you trust me?”

                “Ye-es,” you say hesitantly, although you’re not sure why you hesitated. This was _Kylo._ He was _back. Finally._ In your heart of hearts, this was what you really wanted, right?

                He just shakes his head sadly, his long hair bouncing slightly. “You doubt me.”

                “I don’t,” you tell him firmly. “I don’t, Kylo, I love you. I would do anything for you.” He looks back up at you, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips.

                “We’ll see.” He pushes his lips against yours, his bottom lip gently brushing against your lower lip, and you can feel desire starting to flood your veins as you reach up and kiss him, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him closer to you. You gasp into his mouth as you can feel his large hands running against your sides, warming your cool skin with his touch. You let your hands tangle in his dark locks and it was like kissing him all over again, like nothing had changed, like he had never left. You wrap your legs around his, and you’re just about to tell him that you want to lose yourself in him completely when you can feel him pull away.

                Suddenly your eyes dart open and you sit straight up, your fingers fumbling on the bed on either side of you for any trace of warmth, any sign that he was there. But the blanket is cool to the touch and the only sign that he had ever been there was a sticky sense of wetness that you could feel between your thighs. You let out a deep breath and brush your hair out of your face, eyes sweeping the expanse of the room. You had had plenty of dreams about Kylo, sure, but _never_ a dream as vivid or real as that. So what was it then? Had that really been just a dream, or was that some sort of vision? Was that something through the Force? Was Kylo trying to reach out to you? After all this time? What could that mean? You sigh and shake your head, covering your face with both hands.

                No, nothing about this was simple, and that was for _damn_ certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hit all the high points for me: Poe being a gentleman, Ani being cute, Ladson and Reader communicating in Tortuarune, JediStormPilot being too cute and friendly and supportive for their own good, deep talks with Ladson, Reader thinkin deep thoughts and trying to be brutally honest with herself about the whole situation, and Kylo's, "We'll see." YES KYLO'S BACK. ISH. Like I could write more than ten chapters without him. xD But "We'll see" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Are you screaming, because I.............may or may not be screaming, I don't know if I want to admit to it. 
> 
> Also, yesterday I was playing my guitar and strumming along to Please Mr. Kennedy (OUTER! SPACE!) when dacianamusik23 and she sent me a super special video of Oscar Isaac singing and playing guitar. Here's the link to it, please feel free to enjoy our gifs and, uh, creative, comments: http://dacianamusik23.tumblr.com/post/140550708596/streetsolo-dacianamusik23-streetsolo  
> PS: HIS LAUGH AT THE END MAKES MY BLOOD. PUMP? I DON'T KNOW. *passes around first class gold membership vip tickets to hell* 
> 
> Also, if you are fans of dance and choreography, goriexgorie on Tumblr wanted to share two fantastic dance themes she felt fit perfectly with A Flare in the Dark (any Travis Wall fans, anyone? anyone?):   
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClAtxf9nhP4  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxpuyRGZ4Zs


	11. Chapter 11

                Somehow you’re able to fall back to sleep after that. If you dream, it’s not of Kylo, but you can’t be sure you dreamed at all as you’re suddenly awakened by the bounce of Ani jumping up and down on the bed. “Ani,” you whisper crossly. “Sit down. What are you doing?”

                “You have to get up soon,” Ani tells you, and you groan as you roll onto your back. Ani continues jumping on the bed, and you fight off a little wave of nausea as you quickly push yourself off it.

                “You’re in a good mood,” you observe testily. Not that you weren’t, but your dream with Kylo had brought on a whole new wave of questions, and you knew that no one you talked to was going to provide any answers for this one, so you preferred to keep the whole thing quiet and wait and see if you had any more dreams like this. It was that, and the fact that you weren’t really a morning person.

                You duck into your own private bathroom that was attached to your bedroom, savoring the fact that you had your own private bathroom again. You had your own private bathroom on the Starkiller Base, before you shared with Kylo, although he wasn’t there most of the time, so it was basically just yours. But after that, you had been forced to share a tiny bathroom with Ladson, which wasn’t too terrible, but it got worse when you threw a young Ani into the mix. To be honest, you were sort of glad not to share that cramped house with them anymore. You didn’t know if you’d head back there, eventually, but you figured it wasn’t worth dwelling over. You had headed to the Starkiller Base for a six-month internship, and by the time ten weeks were up, you had assumed that you were stuck there indefinitely. And then, just when you had gotten used to that idea, you had been forcibly ejected into space, sent spiraling back to your old academia. This time, you were determined to be a little smarter about this, and you were not going to make any assumptions where you would be a week, a month, or even a year from now, because you just didn’t know.

                You wash up quickly and dress into your orange jumpsuit. It wasn’t an absolutely terrible uniform, but you preferred the soft fabric of your own clothes more. As you step out of the bathroom, Ani is sitting at the bed, staring at you with the dark eyes that reminded you so much of his father. “Do you like it here, Ani?” you ask him, desperate to get your thoughts off Kylo.

                “Yeah,” Ani replies. “Everyone’s nice here. I want to stay here forever and ever.”

                “Forever and ever,” you muse, forcing a tight-lipped smile in his direction. _If we stay here forever and ever you’ll definitely never see your dad again_ , you think, but you can’t bring yourself to say it aloud. “Are you going to hang out with your friends today?”

                “Mmhmm,” Ani says, nodding his head up and down. “And grandma. She smells really nice.” He tilts his head to the side, as if considering something for the first time. “Why didn’t you tell me I had a grandma?”

                You hesitate for a moment, trying to get your sleep-locked brain to wake up. “Because,” you reply hesitantly. “Because she wanted to keep it a surprise.”

                It sounds like bullshit to your own ears, but Ani eats it up. “But I hate surprises,” he fusses, crossing his tiny arms across his chest. He pouts for a moment, but you just walk over and muss his hair.

                “But she’s here now,” you offer. “Doesn’t that count for something?”

                “I guess,” Ani mopes, and you bend down to give him a quick hug as there’s a knock on the door. You head over and open it confidently, not surprised in the slightest by who’s standing there.

                “I didn’t expect you to be up,” Poe muses with a look of good humor on his face.

                “Blame this one,” you say, gesturing to Ani who was peering around your legs. “I’m by no means a morning person.”

                “Hey champ,” Poe drops down to his level, and Ani doesn’t pull away. “How’re you doing? You like it here?”

                “Thank you for bringing us,” Ani chirps, nodding his head up and down, and you look down at him in surprise. You had assumed that most of your lessons of civility wouldn’t stick, but apparently this one had. It was an important one, to be sure, and your heart swelled with maternal affection.

                “Good boy, Ani,” you say, mussing his hair. “Now, why don’t you go back to sleep before you have to wake up, huh?”

                “But I’m already up,” Ani says, shoulders slumping.

                “Then go wake up Ladson,” you whisper in an hushed, excited tone, and Ani nods, bouncing on the tips of his tiny feet as he turns and runs into his bedroom. Poe just laughs as you step out the door, closing it firmly behind you.

                “That’s a cute kid,” Poe says, although you’re pretty sure that’s _exactly_ what he said to you yesterday morning.

                “He has his moments,” you shrug. “Although it appears he’s actually listening when I’m talking to him, which, is sort of a shock, but-“

                “Like mother, like son,” Poe says teasingly, and your brain is so sleep-locked that it takes you a moment to process the insult.

                “Oh, you ass.” You hit his arm with the back of your hand as you walk, and Poe throws his head back in laughter. “I am _plenty_ good at following directions, if yesterday was any indication. I didn’t crash us.”

                “You didn’t,” Poe says. “So how do you feel about leaving the planet’s atmosphere today?”

                “Leaving the atmosphere?” you ask blankly. “You mean, like, going into space?”

                “That’s what I mean,” Poe repeats.

                “Sure,” you reply, too tired to think about the possible complications at this early hour. “I mean, if you think I’m up for it.” Poe just nods as you arrive in the hangar, and you clamber into the transport shuttle to see a helmet and the fighter vest sitting on your seat. You pick up the helmet with both hands, grimacing as you notice the starbird Resistance logo on the side. If you put this on, weren’t you basically choosing sides? Anyone that saw you with this on would automatically assume you were part of the Resistance. Out of the corner of your eye, you can see Poe watching you closely, and you quickly wipe the grimace off your face with a quick explanation.

                “I hate helmets,” you explain simply, brushing your braid off your shoulder. “Just, never been a fan.”

                “Well, you’re going to need it,” Poe replies as he slides a helmet over his own head. “Once we leave D’Qar’s atmosphere, we’ll have to deal with the asteroid ring and the radiation from the local star. I had my guys add a basic light shield generator to the shuttle last night, but the repulsors can only lift so much extra weight, and we don’t have any tuglifts here, so we’re going to have to wear the fighter gear. This way, we’re protected from the remaining radiation the shield can’t filter, and on the remote chance we have a run-in with one of the rocks, we’ll have the emergency survival kits – three hours’ life support, a week of supplies, and the vest doubles as a sleeping bag if we need it.” He points to a small red pull tab strung over his left shoulder that led to a raised square on the back. You turn your head to the side just slightly to see a similar tab and a square on the vest draped across your seat. “That shouldn’t be a problem though, since we’re doing a polar ascension. Even still, better to be safe than sorry.”

                “You got that right,” you mutter as you put on your own protective gear. You had thought that the helmet was heavy when you first slipped it over your head, but it was nothing compared to how heavy the vest was, and you’re thankful you don’t have to get up and walk around in it.

                “Okay,” you breathe. “So teach me, oh wise one. Show me how to get a ship into space.”

                “Oh, I’m not going to do it,” Poe says. “You’re going to do it. Start her up.”

                You sigh and follow the same startup sequence as the last time, waiting for the reactor status ring of lights to turn to a solid green. You notice that there’s a new, extra blue light in the center of the ring this time, and you realize it probably has something to do with the shield generator that Poe had just mentioned. As you complete the startup sequence, you can’t help but notice that the ship is also hovering a bit lower than it was yesterday.

                When you’re finally ready to disengage the damper and switch to flight mode, Poe turns to you with a grin on his face. “See? Confidence. What did I tell you?”

                You laugh, shaking your head as a grin splits across your face. “I’m going to kill us if I try to do anything except steer,” you tell him. Now it’s Poe’s turn to frown.

                “You just have to have more faith in yourself,” he says. “I know you can do it. Remember, I’m right here. Nothing’s going to go wrong.”

                “Until it does,” you mutter petulantly before you throw up your hands. “Okay, fine, I can do this. I have confidence in myself, or whatever. I can do this.”

                “That’s the spirit,” Poe says. “Now, this sequence is going to be a little different since the ship is much heavier than the flight computer was ever equipped to handle, so we’re going to fly an old-fashioned ballistic profile to the pole to take advantage of the gravity drop. Since there’s the asteroid ring around the equator, gravity is a bit stronger there, but it drops off the closer you get to the poles. This time, we’re definitely going to have to use Approach Bravo, since the repulsors aren’t enough to lift us over the treeline this time, not with the shield generator on board. This time, we’re going to take off at full power. See the yellow level between the consoles? That one’s for engine trim. Pull it back halfway, slowly. Normally it’s all the way up to maximize maneuverability, but since we have an atmosphere and planetary gravity, the wings and lateral repulsors will do just fine.”

                As you pull the lever back, you hear a low-pitched whine from behind you. When you stop halfway down, you hear the whine become a mechanical growl, followed by several clacks from all around the ship before everything suddenly goes quiet. Your eyes widen as you glance at Poe for reassurance, but he’s not looking at you. He’s checking the status panel on his console, swiping through a few screens and murmuring a bit as he does so, as if reviewing a mental checklist. He turns to you and cracks a grin.

                “All right, the lateral thrusters are all sealed and the engines are set for maximum thrust, so it all checks out. Since you’re my co-pilot for a space run, you’ll have to run through the safety checklist too. See the little box in the corner of the panel? Drag it into view. The important things to notice: Engines are fully operational, check. Reactor is on hot standby, check. Swipe to the next page-“ He waits for you to do so. “-and shield generator has no diagnostic errors, check. Swipe the screen back to the corner and tap the shuttle.” You do, and it zooms to fill the screen and begins to rotate slowly. “Turn it all the way around and check that all the lateral thrusters have sealed. They look like little rectangles in a line, three on each side. Are all six red?” You nod your head. “Good. You see the label for the engines? The circle with the ‘0.1%’ next to it? If there’s another circle inside of it, it means the engines have narrowed for maximum thrust, and that’s the last thing we need to check here in the hangar. Once we get higher we’ll deploy the shield and prep the ship for vacuum maneuvers before we actually ascend to space.”

                He presses the center comlink button again. “Control, this is Shuttle _Ascension_. Black Leader requesting clearance for high-speed space-bound departure on Approach Bravo, destined for polar excursion via Section 12. You have my flight plan.”

                “Roger that, Commander, opening hangar doors now. You may begin your taxi.” This time, however, instead of leading out the same hangar door as yesterday, the flashing lights follow a strip that leads to a giant circle in the middle of the hangar, several meters in front of the slowly-opening massive center doors.

                Poe disengages the damper and flips the automatic switch, and the shuttle glides to the spot where the guide light ends and turns to face the hangar doors. Now you know why you had to go this way. Unlike the other two doors, all the trees were cleared away in front of the doors in a long, wide strip which stretches to the edge of a lake, way out on the horizon, and you figured it was so that you’d have enough space to leave the hangar at full power. From outside the shuttle, you could faintly hear the short blast of an alarm and the controller order’s voice. “All flight crew, stand clear of the blast deck. Repeat, stand clear of the blast deck.”

                After a short pause, you hear the controller over the comlink again. “You’re cleared for departure, Commander. Have a good flight, you two.”

                Poe flips down the automatic switch and nods to the engine power bar to your left. “Well, you know what to do. As Chewie always says, _Punch it!_ ”

                Following his lead, you shove it all the way forward as far as it will go, and you’re pressed back into your seat as you see the hangar flash by you, rapidly replaced by D’Qar’s verdant scenery. Poe motions for you to pull up, and you do so, sending the ship into a slow climb. Once he’s satisfied, he flips the co-pilot control switch back down and you can feel your toggles lock into a new positon to match his.

                Poe lets out a content sigh next to you and shakes his head. “That feeling when you take off, it never gets old.” He sobers up a little before he turns his attention to the comlink. “Control, _Ascension_ setting course zero-zero to the north pole on ballistic path.” He looks as though he’s realized something as he turns to you. “I didn’t explain what a ballistic path was back there, did I?” You shake your head. You didn’t _think_ he mentioned it, and if he did, you obviously weren’t real great at paying attention. Not that he could really blame you, not this early in the morning. “Since the shuttle isn’t equipped for long-term life support and there isn’t a cruiser waiting for us up there, we can’t take an escape trajectory to go far into space for safety reasons. On a ballistic path, we fly the shuttle into space using a partial orbit, just in case something goes wrong with the engines when we set them for vacuum. That way, gravity will still bring us down and we can coast back using repulsor control. Minor safety detail to make sure I get you back to base in one piece.”

                He rolls the shuttle slightly to the right, to turn the shuttle north, and as he does so, you can see the Resistance base’s outdoor courtyards come into view far below you, amongst the dark green treetops that show off the magnitude of D’Qar’s forests. After several minutes, you realize that the blue of the sky has started to fade and blacken outside the windows, hinting that you are skirting the edge of space.

                “All right, see that?” Poe asks as he motions toward the light in the center of the reactor status ring, which has changed from a solid blue to a flashing yellow. “That means that the atmosphere is thin enough to deploy the shield with optimal power draw. Pull up this black lever-“ He points to the one awkwardly bolted to the floor between your seats. As you do so, a blue circle appears around the outline of the shuttle on your screen. “Now, pull the engine trim all the way back and press down to lock it in. That’ll take us to the vacuum profile.” As you do what he says, you can hear a variety of hisses and clacks around the shuttle. The six red vents on the shuttle on your screen have now become a dozen blue ones around the fuselage. “See that?” Poe asks. “A quick check of the engines shows you that they have expanded back to high maneuverability mode, since the inside ring is now gone from the icon.”

                Poe does one more check of the panel on his left, and then flips the main control switch back to _Copilot._ “Take her up,” he says, gesturing dramatically to the star-speckled blackness above you. You take the flight stick and confidently pull back, sending the shuttle higher and higher until it suddenly starts to level off. You try to bring the nose back up to go higher, but the shuttle no longer responds as it did in the atmosphere, and you turn to Poe. “You did it, we’re in space now. There’s one more notch on the trim lever, push it until it clicks. That’ll engage thruster and repulsor field control so we can try some of the cool stuff I mentioned yesterday.”

                You reach out to the lever and pull down on it firmly until you hear a soft _click_. “Now your engine control stick also doubles as your lateral maneuvering. You see that?” He points out the window at what looks like a large cargo crate with the Resistance starbird stamped on the side. “We put this up here a couple of years ago as a visual reference for lessons like this, since we’re so far away from the surface of the planet that it’ll seem like you’re sitting motionless in space even if you have your engines at full power. This way, you can see what you’re doing. Fly towards it and then fly a circle around it without using your flight stick, engine and thrusters only. Tilting it will cause the shuttle to spin accordingly, and pushing it will move the ship in that direction without turning. That’s the drifting I told you about yesterday. If you twist it in your hand, the shuttle will turn accordingly, while keeping it upright.”

                You fly towards the crate, slowing down as you get close. You turn to Poe for help, but he just shakes his head and points his chin towards the thruster control in your left hand. You have no feel for where the back of the shuttle is or how far out the wings go, so you opt for keeping the crate in view the whole time you fly around it by pushing to the side, then turning to face the crate, pushing, then turning. You turn to Poe to see what exactly he wants you to do, but he just holds up his hands and shakes his head, refusing to tell you anything. You want to call him an ass, but you’re far too worried you’ll do something wrong to even say that much.

                After spending several minutes getting more comfortable flying the shuttle in the freedom of space, always double-checking where the crate was so you didn’t crash into it, you decide to try to impress Poe with a more daring maneuver and fly in a wide loop around the crate, experiencing the unusual feeling that came with looking _up_ at D’Qar below you at the height of your loop. As you level out, there is a crackling over the comlink and you immediately jump as the controller’s voice floats through the speakers. _Did I do something wrong? Should I not have done that?_

“Commander, just a friendly reminder that you are approaching Bingo.”

                “Roger, Control, thank you. We’re coming back now, over and out.” He turns to you. “Time to head back. If we crashed because of something as silly as running out of fuel, I think the General would kill whatever was left of me.”

                “So I did good?” you ask anxiously, turning to study his face as he takes back the controls.

                “ _Well_ ,” Poe corrects you, and you just huff and shake your head as you head back to base.

Once you’re safely landed, Poe slides his helmet off as he grins at you. “See? I told you that you could do it.”

                “Never doubted myself for a second,” you reply dryly, grinning to him in turn. To be honest, you sort of liked this thing you had going with Poe. You didn’t really understand flying yet, but it was a skill that could be useful, necessary even. It was still completely foreign to you, and yet he made teaching you look so simple and easy, like you were the one who was doing everything yourself and he was just there for guidance. You had technically flown in space now, and although you weren’t entirely sure what exactly you were doing, you _felt_ like you did, and you supposed that was enough.

                You make idle banter as you walk back to your room, opening the door to see Finn sitting inside, playing with Ani. “Sorry I’m late,” you say quickly, apologetically, but he just shakes his head.

                “Naw, I’m early,” he tells you. “Wanted to make sure I got here with time to spare so I didn’t miss you. We’re going to the blasting range today.”

                “You’re going to teach her how to shoot?” Poe asks.

                “Well, if she’s going to learn, it might as well be from the best,” Finn replies teasingly, although you can’t help but feel like there might be some bit of truth in that statement.

                “Well, good luck,” Poe cocks his head to the side. “But something tells me she’s a fair shot already.”

                “Doubt it,” you reply. “I’ve never used a blaster before.” Poe gives you a look, and you quickly correct yourself. “Alright, alright, confidence, I’m a fantastic shot.”

                “Keep saying that until you believe it,” Poe says with a little wave. “See you tonight.”

                “See you tonight,” you echo as he steps outside. Something about that strikes you as odd, and you quickly turn back to Finn. “Tonight, what’s tonight?”

                “Dinner,” Finn replies, and you tilt your head to the side in consideration. You check on Ladson, who is still asleep, before you wave goodbye to Ani and follow Finn out to the blasting range. It’s a long room, with a row of blasters of all shapes and sizes along one wall, with several targets set up along the back wall on the far side of the room.

                “This doesn’t get used much,” Finn explains. “The Resistance doesn’t usually get too involved on the ground and pretty much everyone in our assault corps came to us with extensive prior military experience so there hasn’t been a need to train new recruits. Poe’s seen a lot more fighting than I have; it’s all about aerial battles.” You nod your head quickly in understanding. “But I am a fantastic shot and it can’t hurt to have you learn how to use one of these.”

                “And you’re so modest too,” you say teasingly.

                “Hey, if there’s one thing Poe taught me, is you have to embrace what you’re good at,” Finn says, picking up a blaster pistol and handing it to you. “And accept what you don’t.”

                “Fair enough,” you say as you hold the blaster in your hand. It’s a bit heavier than you expected it to be, and you silently hope that there isn’t any sort of recoil.

                “Regardless of all the hype that happens whenever Merr-Sonn or BlasTech, or whoever comes out with some new technology to make their blasters bigger and better than their competitors, all blasters share the same basic parts in the end, whether they’re pistols, rifles, or heavy repeaters. There’s the grip and trigger, of course, which vary from species to species, but it looks like you’ve already got that bit figured out. There’s the plasma ammunition, stored in charge packs that you have to swap out and recharge when they get depleted-“ he stops and points to the box-like shape protruding from the bottom of the blaster. “There’s the firing selector-“ He points to a dial surrounded by a ring of seven letters. “The modes each weapon is capable of vary from manufacturer to manufacturer, but the four standardized modes you’ll find on every blaster are Safe, Stun, Battle, and Training, marked _X, S, B,_ and _T_ , respectively.”

                “Lastly, there’s the emitter.” He points to the gleaming curved disk around the tip of the blaster. “This charges the plasma based on what mode you’ve selected and concentrates it into a bolt. Unfortunately blasters usually have a reputation for being random and unreliable since most users never bother to learn how to properly clean the emitters, so they get permanently damaged over time and become more and more random. One of the only good things I learned from the First Order is that a properly cleaned blaster maintains its accuracy for much longer time and is much less prone to the occasional wild shots inherent to blaster technology, so they always made sure we had time allotted every week for maintaining our weapons. One of my old sergeants who used to work under the Empire told me that the Empire’s officers didn’t understand this basic fact and always kept their Stormtroopers busy with collateral duties, and never gave them time to properly clean their weapons. As a result, their weapon quality suffered from neglect and standard Imperial Stormtroopers gained a reputation for being embarrassingly lousy shot at any reasonable range.” He sighs and shakes his head. “But enough of the technicalities. We’ll cover those later.”

                He picks up his blaster and demonstrates how to properly stand to absorb whatever recoil a blaster produced, keeping his shoulder at a slight angle to the target, both hands on the blaster, elbows slightly bent and one leg planted firmly behind him for stability as he fires two shots perfectly into the center of the furthest target, with the third just barely missing. “Of course, if you were shooting it out with someone, you’d never stand perfectly like this, but we all need to start somewhere. You give it a try.”

                You mimic his previous stance and he shifts your shoulders slightly before he steps back and nods his head approvingly. “All right, now switch to training bolts. Just in _case_ we get one of those wild shots, I’d rather it just be one of those annoying orange stingers bouncing around in here instead of a live round. Aim for the third target, the one with a scorch mark on it.”

                You breathe in through your nose then exhale slowly out through your mouth before you fire your shot and it hits just below the center target, a little off to the right. You fire several more shots, managing to hit seven out of thirteen shots in the center ring before the charge pack depletes.

                “Not bad, not bad,” Finn nods his head approvingly as he assesses your target. “Then again, we kind of figured as much.” You tilt your head to the side, remembering what Poe had said before.

                “How so?” you ask cautiously. How could they assume you’d be such a good shot with a blaster when you had never even used one before?

                “Rey was a fair shot with a blaster the first time she used one too,” Finn tells you. “People with the Force are just naturally good shots, something to do with their luck countering the randomness of a blaster.” You purse your lips together as the memory comes back to you. You had known that. You had known that back on Starkiller Base, back when you were still there as an interpreter and not a willing captive of Kylo Ren’s. The better question was, why had you forgotten it?

                “Can we still practice though?” you ask him. “I mean-“ you tilt your head to observe his target. He only missed one shot, and even then, it was close. “-I doubt I’m going to get as good as you, but I’d like to better my aim somewhat if I ever have to use one of these. I can’t imagine when I would, but-“

                “Absolutely,” Finn says, clapping you on the back. “But that’s enough for today. I still need to show you how to clean the blaster and recharge the pack before I get you over to see Rey.”

                He walks back to a set of shelves and pulls down a small box, setting it on a table and opening it. Inside you see an extremely stained cloth and a few small tools. He motions for you to hand him the blaster, and you hand it over quickly, still staring inquisitively at the contents inside the box. He sets the blaster down on the table and pulls out one of the tools as he begins undoing the fasteners around the edge of the emitter disk.

                “I had to make an interesting deal for a set of tools like this since I obviously didn’t take mine with me when I left the First Order,” Finn jokes. “Each manufacturer has different locking mechanisms for their emitters so no one tool can open any manufacturer’s emitters. On top of that, they don’t particularly like it when people _clean_ their weapons, and actively confiscate and destroy tool kits like these since that would hurt sales of new blasters and displease the investors. Plus they don’t really want people checking out their emitters and learning the trade secrets behind how their technology works. Honestly, I think they would profit more in the long run if they made easily upgradeable emitter kits, but I wouldn’t even know where to begin on the design or the legal complications.”

                He finishes undoing the final fastener, and the emitter disk pops out of the blaster slightly. Finn grips the disk and gently pulls it outward, and you see a short stem wrapped in wires come out with it. “Here we go,” Finn says. “The disk isn’t all there is. Behind it is the actual charging coil and the plasma injector, which is what we’ll clean today.”

                “Hooray,” you say dryly, and Finn just shakes his head as he laughs at you.

                He pulls a small tube out of the stem and hands it to you. You turn it over in your hands and study it closely. It seemed to be made out of chrome, and on the back side there were supports connecting to a needle in the center. “The inner bit is just an accelerating electrode, so we’re not concerned with that,” Finn explains. “The outer part is exactly what it looks like, chrome. That’s to keep plasma from sticking to it, but it’s not perfect so it has to be cleaned occasionally. See what I mean?” He points to the front edge of the tube and at first you don’t see anything, and you turn it in the light until you catch a faint blue smudge on the inner edge.

                “This?” you ask as you point it out to him.

                “Yes, that,” Finn says as he nods. “That’s a bit of plasma that got stuck. It could have been from your shots, or mine, or the last person who used it. Either way, if we let it sit, eventually it will build up, unbalancing the fields and damaging the emitter. Here, wipe it off gently and then wipe the area with a little oil. That’s the black corner.”

                He hands you the cloth and you wipe the blue smudge until you restore the silver gleam of the chrome, and then turn the cloth to the black corner, which is made out of a slightly thicker material, as you wipe a small amount of oil where the plasma had been.

                “Is this good?” you ask as you hand the emitter back to him.

                He turns it over in his hands and then holds it up to the light, nodding his head. He reinserts the injector tube in the emitter stem and hands the emitter to you to place back in the blaster.

                “There’s a small notch to make sure it goes back in the right way,” he explains. “Just line it up and it should slide right back in. I’ll do the fasteners up this time, but I’ll show you how for our next lesson.”

                You pick up the blaster and slide the emitter back in, just like he had told you, then hand it back to him. He quickly reattaches the fasteners, then removes the charge pack and motions for you to follow him to a large red crate against the back wall. When you get to it, Finn unlatches the lid and pulls a smaller box out of it. He sets it down on a nearby table and opens the lid to reveal several small syringes filled with a glowing pale blue liquid. He picks one up and hands both the syringe and the charge pack to you.

                “This is plasma,” Finn explains. “And this syringe is enough for about twenty standard shots. We keep it in the ammo locker just to make sure it doesn’t get hit by a stray shot and suddenly detonate. On the charge pack, you’ll find a small hole on the side that goes up into the blaster. Put the syringe in there and slowly push the plasma into the pack. Once you’re done, press the little button next to the hole and the pack will use the residual charge from the plasma to pressurize it.”

                You align the tip of the syringe, then slowly push the plasma in and press the small button as he said, hearing a small hiss inside the pack as you do so. “And that’s how you refill a charge pack,” Finn says as he smiles at you. “Don’t worry about putting this away. I’ll take care of everything after I get you over to Rey.”

                “Sure,” you say with a shrug of your shoulders as he leads you out into the hallway.

                “Rey told me she has something extra fun cooked up for you today,” Finn says as you walk beside him through the corridors.

                “Oh,” you reply, unable to hide the surprise in your voice. “So, do you guys, like, talk about-“

                “I know she got in your head,” he tells you. “Like you got in hers, but she didn’t tell me any specifics. You can trust her.”

                You smile softly to yourself, pleased to see at least some things were being kept secret. “Yeah, I know, I do.” He raises his eyebrows in surprise and you shrug your shoulders. For some reason, it was really easy to talk to Finn, like you felt like you could trust him with anything. Not that you would, but you really felt as though you could talk to him openly, without fear of judgement. “I trust all three of you. And Leia, I guess.”

                “That’s good to hear,” Finn says, nodding his head in consideration. “We’re like a family here, and this is coming from the guy who’s never really had one.”

                “I can relate to that,” you tell him as you stop outside the door to the Rey’s Green Room. “I pretty much had to fend for myself before I reached my academia.”

                “You should tell us over dinner,” he suggests. “I’m sure it makes for an interesting story.”

                “Yeah,” you say with a laugh to hide your discomfort. “Maybe.” He gives you a curt nod as he heads back down the hallway, and you head inside the door to Rey’s room, feeling the thick air against your face as soon as you open the door.

                “Hey,” you say gently as you step inside. Rey is sitting with her eyes shut, hands flat against her knees, in the center of the circle. You stand there awkwardly, not sure if she’s in a trance, or meditating or if she had simply fallen asleep. You shuffle your feet and glance around the room, but she doesn’t seem to take any notice of you, and you’re wondering if you should announce yourself again when she stands up.

                Wait, that wasn’t quite right.

                Rey was not standing up. Instead, she was hovering a few feet off the ground, legs still crossed underneath her, palms still flat against her knees. You don’t want to break her concentration, but you can’t help an exhalation of _“Holy shit”_ as she hovers in front of you. Her eyes open, and she offers you her signature tight-lipped smile as she straightens her legs to stand in front of you.

                “Would you like to learn how to do that?” she asks, tilting her head to one side.

                “Yes,” you say eagerly, barely able to continue your enthusiasm. “Yes, yes please.”

                She just lets out a tiny laugh as she sits back down and gestures for you to sit beside her. “I thought we could start with small things, but since I saw you stop my staff yesterday, I’m curious as to whether or not you can retain focus enough to do this.”

                “I’m not sure but I’m willing to try,” you tell her. This was a bit different than Poe’s methodology of faking confidence in yourself until you could really do it. Rey had been inside your head, and she was able to pick up on your feelings and impressions. She was able to sense the Force within you, and you knew implicitly that she would not make you try something that was completely beyond your skill level. In short, if Rey believed you could do it, you felt that you probably could.

                “Good,” she says, smiling back at you. “The key here is patience. I know you probably don’t want to hear that, but it requires a great deal of focus. You have to pay attention to yourself, to your body, to your surroundings. You need to free your mind of all distractions and just feel the Force, let it flow through you.” She grins sheepishly as she looks away. “The first time I tried, I became very frustrated, believe me.”

                “When you trained with Luke?” you ask, and Rey nods her head.

                “I was very frustrated,” she repeats. “But you need to be patient. You need to remain calm, and focused, and not dwell on your anger. Dwelling on your negative emotions will only bring you closer to the dark side, and I know you’ve already found out that you can channel some of your abilities better through it, but that’s not all that’s there. You can find strength in the light as well, but it requires discipline and patience. It’s a bit hard to understand right now, I know, but I just need you to trust me. If you continue working towards the light side, you will become stronger.”

                “I do trust you,” you tell her, not just because you do, but because you felt like something suddenly made sense to you, like something clicked into place. Nothing she said was new information, and she hadn’t particularly said it in a different way, but you felt like you could understand things a little better now. Kylo was powerful, yes, and he had raw, unadulterated strength, but his attention was distracted and as a result he was unfocused. Rey, it seemed, was the opposite of that. She was completely focused, completely calm and at ease with herself, and her Force powers seemed to flow naturally from a solid well of light inside of her. You didn’t know if you would ever be able to reach that level of proficiency, but you at least wanted to try.

                She almost looks surprised by how quickly you’ve embraced her oration, but she doesn’t comment on it. “Get comfortable,” she instructs. “It’s easier if you don’t have any distractions.” You adjust your legs into a more comfortable position and put your hands against your knees as you had seen her do. “You can also relax your arms,” she says with a grin. “Just do whatever you usually do to help you focus.”

                “I don’t usually focus,” you tell her. “I think that’s sort of my problem.”

                “But you will learn,” she says firmly, but patiently.

                “And if I focus-“ you say hesitantly. “That will make my Force become stronger?”

                “It’ll allow you to access it better,” she explains. “If you truly know yourself and what you’re capable of, then you need only the Force to guide you.”

                You think about the amount of faith that Poe had in you to take you out into space this morning. You think about Finn’s confidence showing you how to use a blaster. You think about Rey, teaching you something that looked so advanced on only your second day because she believed you could do it.

                “I can do this,” you tell her. You close your eyes and try to focus on that, their energy, their total combined strength lifting you up, but it doesn’t work. You can still feel your legs against the ground. _Well, shit._ Slightly disappointed, but not frustrated, you decide to try another approach, but first you take some time to just let yourself _be_ , to let yourself simply listen to the babble of water running around you. You think about the symbolism of the water, fresh and clean and purifying, and pretend that it was purifying you, right now, erasing all of the darkness you held inside of you. You knew it wouldn’t eradicate it from your being, not completely, but if you could perhaps wipe out a little bit more of the darkness, allow a little more light in, perhaps you could do it.

                You don’t open your eyes, but you pull sensation back to your feet and realize that you are still sitting on the ground. You haven’t moved, not even an inch. _I’m not doing anything, I’m just sitting here._ You push the voice of negativity down and away from you, trying to focus. You remember how you were able to summon Kylo Ren’s blade from his lightsaber, even when you didn’t think you could, by focusing on him. You had allowed yourself to channel his power by feeling the weight of his helmet, the taut muscles in his arms, and then you had used that to call the blade forth. But Kylo wasn’t here now, and the only person’s head you had to get inside was yours. That should have made things easier, but it wasn’t. You knew it wasn’t.

                Slowly, though, you try to come to terms with yourself. You feel your body one inch at a time, starting with your toes, feeling the sensation of your boots around your feet, slowly taking stock of yourself, bit by bit. Your focus moves to your ankles, then up your legs, to your knees, where you can feel your hands gently resting. You can feel your butt against the stone tiles underneath you, and a slight, stiff pain in your lower back from your hunched position that you weren’t aware of before. You sit up straight and tilt your neck from left to right, getting all the kinks out, refusing to back down from your progress. You can’t deny that you’ve lost your focus though and so you exhale a deep breath as you start back down at your toes, before moving up your body, bit by bit. You work your way up to the top of your head this time, but you’re honestly not sure where to go from there. Should you try to pull yourself up? Push? You’re not sure what you should do and so you decide to take stock of your body as a whole and picture yourself lifting your body into the air as one, whole, unified piece. You picture yourself suspended in the air, hovering there, just an inch above the ground, and for a moment you feel a tingling sensation under your legs and you think you did it, you really did it.

                You open your eyes and expect to see yourself two or three feet above the ground, but no, you haven’t moved. You _feel_ taller, although maybe that’s just because you’re sitting up straighter, but you are still sitting on the ground. “I tried,” you say weakly.

                “You did,” Rey confirms. “How do you feel?”

                You shrug, taking account of yourself. “Quieter?” you ask. “A bit more relaxed, but I don’t know about focused.”

                “You’ll get there,” Rey says as she gets to her feet, and you bite your lip as you look up at her.

                “You didn’t really expect me to do it today, did you?” you ask as you stand up yourself.

                She just shrugs. “You could have surprised me.”

                You let out a small laugh as your stomach growls. “How long was I meditating for?”

                “Over an hour,” Rey replies simply, and you stare at her in shock.

                “Over an hour?” you repeat incredulously. “I thought that couldn’t have been more than, like, twenty minutes.”

                “Over an hour,” Rey confirms.

                You just shake your head as you hold your arm out to the side, gesturing for her to lead the way. “To the mess hall, then,” you say. “After you.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter started to get really long, so I had to chop it in half again. Again, huge thanks to J.A.M. for his truly incredible knowledge of Star Wars mechanics when it comes to both piloting and blasters (and why those Stormtroopers are such lousy shots!! xD) 
> 
> Bit more tech notes for the physicists in the room: In the Star Wars universe, plasma is not only the highly ionized state of matter found in stars and fusion reactors, but also a naturally-occurring charged substance that existed in a few forms, like the electrostatic gel at the core of Gungan technology in The Phantom Menace. The more you know!!  


	12. Chapter 12

                The mess hall is just as crowded as it was the day before, but you’re less perturbed by the crowd than you had been the day prior. You follow Rey to the same table in the back as yesterday, and you idly wonder if this spot had been claimed as their table. Everyone is sitting in the same spots they had yesterday, the only exception being Ani, who was now sitting on Ladson’s lap.  

                “I’ll get-“ Poe says as he sees you two approach, but Finn stands up before he can.

                “Nope, my turn today,” Finn interrupts, and he’s gone before you two can even take your seats.

                Rey just giggles as she turns to you and shakes her head. “Boys,” you scoff teasingly. “They can be so insufferable sometimes.”

                “Insufferable?” Poe asks you, raising an eyebrow. “Is that your term for polite?”

                “Potentially,” you say with a careless shrug. Ani waves at you from across the table as he nibbles on a small piece of fruit, and you just wave back, wiggling your fingers in the air. “Was he good today?”

                “He was,” Ladson says as he plucks his thumb underneath his chin. It’s a tiny, subtle gesture negating his sentence, but it’s subtle enough that only you’re aware of it. You just nod your head forward and raise your eyebrows slightly as you take a sip out of a cup of water in front of you, silently telling him that you would talk about it later.

                “So do they always do this?” you ask, turning to Rey. “Do they always insist on getting food for us?”

                “They do,” Rey admits.

                “Well someone has to set a good example for Ani here,” Poe says as he gestures to him. “You got to show him how to treat a lady right. Isn’t that right, Ani?”

                Ani just bobs his head up and down, not really paying attention to anything Poe was saying, and his answer is met with a chorus of laughter from the table. Finn brings food back to the table quickly enough, and you and Rey start eating immediately.

                “So how was training?” Finn asks. “Did you do that thing?”

                “You know, I didn’t,” you tell him, your voice casual. “But I tried, and I think I’m getting closer, and with a little more time, I think I can do it.” You glance to the side as your eyes meet Poe’s before they drop back down to your own plate. “In fact, I know I can.”

                “You will,” Rey says encouragingly. “By the end of the week, at least.”

                “Don’t rush me,” you say in a hushed, excited tone. “I’ll get there when I get there. I’m just going to be patient, and focus, and when it happens, it happens.” You glance up at Ladson, who is starring at you like he’s never met you before. You just offer him a weak shrug and keep eating.

                “So did you want to share?” Finn asks, turning to you. The rest of the table looks at you curiously, and you shift awkwardly beneath the weight of their combined stares.

                “I mean,” you shrug half-heartedly. “It’s not really that good of a story.”

                “I want to hear it,” Finn offers.

                “Me too,” Rey says, although you’re not quite sure she knows what you’re talking about.

                “Me three,” Poe says with a chuckle.

                “Four,” Ani cries out, simply wanting to jump in on the conversation.

                You turn to Ladson, waiting for him to cast the final vote. “I don’t know, have I heard this story before?”

                You put your thumb on your forehead, with all of your fingers outstretched before you seal your fingers together and put your hand flat on your chest. “Daddy?” Ani asks, tilting his head to the side.

                “No,” you say quickly. This was _your_ story, a part of your life in a time long before you had met Kylo Ren. “No, _my_ father.” They’re all looking at you now, anxious for you to continue, and you take a deep breath in and out as you recall the tale.

                You tell them the name of a planet with a large trading hub, notorious for back-alley trades and shady dealings. “I was born there,” you explain. “My mother died when I was very young; I don’t remember her at all. My father always took me wherever he went and so often times while he was off doing whatever it was that he was doing, I would just stop and talk to people, and I was just a young girl, so they would entertain me, talk to me, and so I learned many languages early on. My father was a big drinker, but we didn’t have a lot of money, and so he could become very angry when he didn’t get his way…” You let your voice trail off as you let out a deep sigh. “One day he was trying to buy, I don’t know, grog, but he didn’t have enough money and so when I was just shy of twelve years, he sold me to an eclectic trading crew that dabbled in a bit of everything, but mostly, uh, human cargo.”

                “You’re serious,” Rey murmurs, her forehead creased, and you just smile wearily.

                “It worked out okay though,” you tell her. “I forget what planet we were on, I’ve probably blocked most of it out, honestly, but I heard them about to be double-crossed one night while the conspirators were speaking in another language. I let them know, and they decided to keep me on their vessel as an interpreter, and I stayed with them for years until we landed on my academia. The crew had found a rare book that the school wanted, and although they spoke decent Basic, they wanted me to interpret for them to make sure they weren’t getting swindled.”

                Ladson lets out a small laugh, and you know he’s heard this part of the story from Sadie’s father before. “The man negotiating the deal was Sadie’s father,” you say, turning slightly to Poe, considering he was the only one there that had actually met Sadie. “While he was brokering the trade, he started quizzing me in over a dozen different languages. He told me he was looking for a language tutor for his daughter, Sadie, while she went to the school there. I told him I would do it, but I didn’t want to be a slave and I wanted to enroll in school with her.”

                “And?” Finn asks. You turn to him sharply. You didn’t think your tale was all that exciting, but he seemed to be on the edge of his seat.

                “And he’s a really nice guy,” you tell him. “Really nice. He paid a lot of money for both me and the book, and I’ve been close to Sadie ever since. She’s like a sister to me.” You turn back to Poe. “When Ladson and I got back from Starkiller Base, he’s the one who gave us that house you found us in, as thanks for saving her.”

                “That’s quite a story,” Poe admits.

                “Told you it was worth telling,” Finn says. “How many years were you working on that ship?”

                “Too many,” you admit.

                “More good stories?” Finn asks, and you cast a look at Ani, who thankfully didn’t really seem to be paying attention to your tale.

                “Not fit for children’s ears,” you tell him. “But maybe another time. I think Ani’s about ready to head to bed. Isn’t that right, Ani?”

                He turns as he looks up at you, looking at you with his great, big, innocent eyes, and for the first time, they didn’t remind you of Kylo. You say goodnight to them and take Ani’s hand in yours as you head back to your room. Ani _is_ tired, and he washes up and heads to bed without a fuss. As soon as you finish tucking him in, he is out like a light, and you and Ladson head into the living room to talk.

                “It seems like he’s not the only one making friends around here,” he says, and you can’t help but notice the antagonism in his voice.

                “They’re not bad people,” you insist. “And honestly, I do like it here.”

                “I’ve never seen you make friends this fast,” Ladson admits. “I’ve never seen you trust people this fast, either.”

                “I trusted you and Shayne pretty quick even though I didn’t really know you,” you argue, but Ladson just rolls his head from side to side as he considers this.

                “Not really,” he offers. “It wasn’t until we were really trapped in that meeting room together that we actually became friends.”

                “Fair point,” you concede.

                “It’s not terrible,” he admits. “But we’ve only been here three days, and you’re already telling them where you came from and your whole history with Kylo Ren.”

                “Not my whole history,” you argue.  “And Rey only knows the exact details because she was inside my head.”

                “I still think they’re using you for something,” he tells you with a slight shrug of his shoulders.   

                “Okay then,” you tell him, clapping both hands loudly against both knees. “Good idea.”

                “Good i-“ He blinks and shakes his head. “ _What?_ ”

                “I’ll become friends with them,” you explain. “Figure out what I can about them, work from the inside out. Meanwhile, you try to befriend Leia with Ani, to try figure out where things stand on the Resistance front. Pretend you care, pretend you want to be involved, pretend you want to help. That way we know if we’re being kept in the loop on everything or if they really do want us to stay out of their conflict.”

                Ladson tilts his head to the side, considering this. “It’s not a bad plan,” he admits after a long moment.

                “It’s not,” you say firmly. “But really though, I know you don’t understand the Force, but I really felt it today. I was able to turn off my thoughts and just _focus_ like I never have before, and I wasn’t even frustrated when I couldn’t do it.”

                “That’s right,” Ladson says, recalling the conversation at dinner. “What were you trying to do?”

                “Levitate,” you tell him, but he just narrows his eyes.

                “Levitate?” he asks dryly. “Right. Levitate. Of course.”

                “Hey,” you snap. You hold your left hand out in front of you and your staff immediately flies out of its holster and into your hand. Ladson watches this, a bit uncomfortably, waiting for you to make your point. “It’s matter,” you tell him. “It’s all matter. If I can lift this-“ You move your right hand a few inches above your left as you move the staff up and down in your open palm. “-then I can lift me. I just need time and patience.”

                Ladson just shakes his head. “Time and patience? Who am I talking to?”

                “Hey, you were the one who helped practice the Force with me in Kylo’s room,” you remind him.

                “Yeah, and I watched you make yourself angry again and again to actually be able to do anything,” he says. “Now you’re abandoning that approach and trying to, what, find inner peace?”

                “I don’t know,” you shake your head. “But both Leia and Rey say that I have dark and light inside of me, so I’m giving each a try.”

                “As long as they’re not brainwashing you,” Ladson says, and you stick out your tongue at him. “Look, I don’t want to pretend to understand what’s going on or what you’re going through, but are you sure you’re not trying to overcompensate things just a little bit?”

                You tilt your head to the side. “What do you mean?”

                “Well, you literally learned how to access the Force through Ren,” he explains. “He was your teacher, and he taught you the dark side, right? But now you want to forget about him, so you want to abandon everything he taught you and rush to the light side, so you don’t have to depend on him anymore.”

                “It’s not that simple,” you protest, crossing your arms over your chest. “Okay, well, maybe there’s some kind of truth to that, but I want to learn how to control _both_ sides of the Force. There’s got to be some sort of a balance there.”

                “Is there?” Ladson asks. “I thought you sort of had to choose one way or the other.”

                “I’m not sure,” you admit. “Kylo never would answer me that, but I mean, I guess I could ask Rey, eventually. But she’s a Jedi; I don’t know if she’d still be comfortable teaching me if I told her I wanted to walk the line between both.”

                “Then keep that to yourself for now.” You open your mouth to protest, but he keeps talking. “As much as you can, anyway. Is it really that easy for her to get inside your head?”

                “Fairly,” you reply. “Then again, I’m not really actively trying to keep any sort of shield up either.”

                “Why not?” Ladson asks, tilting his head to the side.

                “Because-“ you shrug uncomfortably. “Because she’s not _trying_ to get in. I don’t know, it’s just a Force thing, I don’t really know how to explain it.”

                “Fair enough,” Ladson sighs. “I’ll try to figure out as much as I can about the Resistance, and you try to figure out as much as you can about your three new friends.”

                “They want to be your friend too,” you tell him. “I mean, you sit there at dinner with them every night too.”

                “Yeah, but,” Ladson shrugs uncomfortably. “You know how much fun I am around strangers.”

                You just shake your head. “You’re cool and aloof,” you tell him. “You don’t say much, but when you talk, everyone stops and listens.”

                He stops and stares at you. “That’s really how you saw me?”

                “Before you started drinking with me,” you say simply. “And then I saw how much of a whiny pissbaby you really were.”

                “Uh-huh, okay, that’s better,” he says with a laugh. “Well, it’s good to know I haven’t lost you completely.”

                “You’re not going to _lose_ me,” you tell him. “You’re my best friend. Seriously. You’ve lived with me for the past _five_ years now, Lad. You’re helping raise my _son_ , like, we’re still working on falling into a bit of a rhythm here, but I’m not going to replace you, because, let’s face it, you’re the only person in this whole freaking place who I’d actually _let_ kick my ass.”

                Ladson laughs and shakes his head. “I’d ask if you want a go, but I’m too tired tonight. Tomorrow though? Definitely?”

                “Definitely,” you reply. “Besides, it doesn’t mean much if Ani isn’t here cheering me on. I need a support squad in my corner.”

                “Right,” Ladson says as you both stand up, and you almost jump into his arms as you squeeze him tightly around the middle.

                “Good night best friend,” you say childishly.

                “Good night you annoying-“ you slap him in the arm teasingly before you slip back into your room. As you open your pack to pull out your pajamas, you notice that Kylo’s scarves are still tucked away in there, and you realize that last night was the first night you had slept without it in a long time. You take a deep breath in through your nostrils and let it out as you push it to the very bottom of your pack, keeping it out of sight. You had no idea what you wanted to do with it, but for now you would keep it out of sight and out of mind.

                You take a quick shower and change into your pajamas before you sit cross-legged on the bed, resting your hands against your bare knees. You think about Kylo, about the dream you had last night. Was it a vision? It didn’t matter. “It doesn’t matter,” you whisper to yourself. You close your eyes and bow your head, trying to focus, trying to draw your own strength into you. “My ally is the Force,” you tell yourself. “It’s the only ally I need.” You sit there for you don’t know how long, concentrating, meditating, reflecting, focusing only on the power situated at your very core. You could be both, you decided, dark and light, drawing your power from both sources. You couldn’t deny that Kylo’s involvement in your life had been huge for you. You wouldn’t be able to simply forget him, simply wish him away, because it was your emotions for him that had allowed you to draw from your power in the first place. You would have to accept that part of yourself, accept that part of your past, but yet still be able to embrace the person you could become if you decided to accept the light side as well.

                “I can be both,” you whisper to yourself, and you felt like you had finally achieved some sort of clarity on the whole situation. Part of you was bonded to Kylo, truly, but that didn’t mean it had to compromise all that you were. You were still free to make your own decisions, your own choices, and you _could_ choose the light side; that choice would always be there for you to make. “But I can be both.” You say it to yourself again, a strong, verbal confirmation. You could take what Kylo had taught you, and you could take what Rey had taught you, and you could become something truly powerful in your own right. You couldn’t follow their paths, of course not, you would have to make your own, but in doing so, you would find strength, and the self-reliance you so desperately craved. You were never going to get the answers from anyone but yourself, and you realized that now. They could teach you different things, teach you how to harness different skill elements, but you were never going to truly be whole unless you accepted all the different aspects of yourself, both the light and the dark.

                Your eyes shoot open suddenly and you look down to see yourself hovering about a foot off the bed, and your heart thumps in your chest as you realize that you are actually doing it, that you are actually floating in midair. You laugh for a moment, but it breaks your concentration and you fall backwards onto the bed with a little bounce. Even still, you can’t help but smile as you can’t wait to tell Rey what happened. She would be proud of you, you knew, but deep down you knew that shouldn’t matter to you. It was nice getting support from other people, but you had to be your own best friend. You had to be proud of yourself, and to tell the truth, you were.

                The next few weeks went by in a blur. You were well on your way to becoming a reasonably skilled pilot with Poe’s help, you were on your way to becoming a pretty sharp marksman with Finn’s training, and thanks to your practice with Rey, you could finally levitate yourself in the air now. You had learned some other neat tricks as well, but Rey was also helping you to understand the intuitive powers of the Force, picking up on the emotions and impressions of others in the area, and not just Force-sensitives. You could now tell when Ladson was walking down the hall ready to enter your apartment, just by feeling his presence near you. It was indescribable and incredible, all by the same hand.

                You had also learned about each of them in turn. Poe told you about his past, how he was born to a Lieutenant and a Sergeant of the Alliance to Restore the Republic, and learned about how he had followed in his late mother’s footsteps to become a pilot. Finn shared some more details of his time as a Storm Trooper back when he was with the First Order, telling you about various training simulations he had gone through and how he had scored top marks as a cadet, although he couldn’t bring himself to fire on a group of unarmed villagers. That had been the beginning to the story of how he met Poe, and you heard that story from each of them about twenty times in the weeks that you had first arrived. You had also learned a bit more about Rey’s past, and heard more about her scavenging adventures during her time on Jakku.  

                Still, you were disappointed that your dinner meetings weren’t always regular things. In the beginning, you had assumed that they always sat together, all the time, but this apparently was not the case. Sometimes Poe ate with other members of his squadron, or other high levels of command, and sometimes Finn ate with other Storm Troopers who had also defected from the First Order. Rey was always there though, and you appreciated her company, especially on days when you trained late and Ladson and Ani had already finished eating. You didn’t always talk, sometimes you just sat in silence as you ate, but it was never awkward. You had started to feel something of a bond to her as well, and although it wasn’t anywhere near as strong as the bond you felt for Kylo, you assumed that it could only be expected. After all, she was your teacher now, and although she was younger than you, you were hardly resentful of it. You knew she had experienced more than anyone should have to go through, but instead of being consumed by her fear, she let the experience help her grow stronger, a clear mark of someone you wanted to imitate.

                Although you would have liked to, you didn’t train with them every day either. You trained with them three, four, sometimes five times out of a week. Sometimes one of them was busy, off doing something for the Resistance, and you just filled in that time hanging out with Ladson and Ani. Sometimes they were gone for only a day, sometimes they were gone for up to a week, but they were never shy about holding back details about what they had done or where they had gone to, not exactly volunteering information, but answering whatever questions you had. Their candor was something you had never experienced at the First Order, and it was very much appreciated.

                During this time, you took advantage of some alone time with Ani so that Ladson could go off around the base himself, sometimes meeting with Finn and other ex-Storm Troopers. You didn’t really mind; you spent enough time with him at night anyway, sometimes sparring while Ani looked on, but sometimes you just chatted and talked about your days. Besides, this gave you time to spend time with Leia and Ani together. Those times were strange, as they felt almost like family gatherings. You had never met Leia prior to coming to the base, and yet it felt like you had known her for years. You weren’t sure if it was because of your relationship to Kylo, or because of the Force, or something else entirely, but you couldn’t help trusting her. Ani loved her as well, always running into her arms for hugs as soon as he saw her. She may have been older but she was clearly still very strong, picking him up in her arms and holding him on one hip as they walked around the room and talked.

                At nights, though, you were always alone. You had thought about Kylo a few times since, but you tried to keep yourself busy to distract yourself from thoughts of him. You didn’t have any more dreams about him since that night, and although part of you still considered it to be a Force vision, you hadn’t brought it up to Rey at all. No, the more you thought about it, the more you chalked it up to being just a dream, a manifestation of your repressed conscious. You refused to think about him during your waking hours, and so it just made good sense that you dreamed about a simpler time when you were together and you didn’t know about all of the horrible stuff he had done. It made sense, and that theory held, at least until one night.

                That night really had not seemed quite different from any other as you drifted off to sleep, but almost immediately after you shut your eyes, you were back in that familiar white room, with invisible rays of sunlight radiating off the walls. You didn’t have much time to process the room, though, as Kylo’s lips were on yours in an instant. You moaned as you felt the familiar sensation of his body over yours, and you ran your fingertips along his collarbone, over his shoulders, down the muscles in his upper arms, taking him in, remembering each and every sensation that you thought you had long forgotten.

                “I miss this,” you breathe as he pulls away. You can see his dark eyes looking into yours, but for some reason you can’t really read his expression as you stroke his cheek. “I miss you.”

                “And I miss you,” he responds in his low voice as he trails his fingertips from your cheek to your neck. He bends down and juts his tongue into the hollow where your jaw meets your neck, and you whimper underneath him as your body fills with need.

                “I wish you were here with me so badly,” you murmur as you press your forehead into his, letting the tip of your noses just touch.

                “Then tell me where you are.” He nips at your earlobe, and you curl one leg around his as you press your body closer to his. “I told you to stay where you were so I could always find you. And you left.”

                “I didn’t leave,” you whisper, although your heart sinks in your chest. But you did. You did leave, and you had gone to a place where he couldn’t follow. “I went to the Resistance base. People came looking for us. I thought Ani and I would be safer there.”

                Kylo just smiles as he runs his lips along the side of your cheek. “I can keep you safe,” he tells you, lowering his lips to your ear. You can feel his hot breath against the side of your face and it’s so intoxicating, you felt like, in this position, he could talk you into doing whatever he wanted. “Take Ani and come to me. I can show you how to find me.”

                 He presses his lips to yours again, softly, gently, but you can’t help but suddenly feel like this is wrong, all wrong. You heart is thumping in your chest and you pull back. You get a rush of something, a rush of terror that fills you, and you can see the flash of a forest, green foliage that dots your vision. You can hear the sound of blaster bolts being fired all around you, and you can hear your own shaky breath in your lungs as you run. You’re running, you’re running as fast as you can, trying to get away from him, and that’s when you realize that this isn’t your memory, this is Rey’s memory, from when Kylo had hunted her back on Takodana. In your mind, you turn around to face him, but instead of seeing him, you are confronted by a large snake’s head that lashes out at you from in front of your field of vision. You don’t even have time to react, and you see it coming straight for your face before you blink to find yourself back in Kylo’s arms. The entire vision lasted for no more than ten seconds, but you still felt shaken to the core. Kylo, himself, looks confused and nervous, borderline angry, but you don’t know how to respond, you don’t know what to say…

                …and the connection breaks. You sit up and literally jump out of the bed, fumbling to get the covers off your legs as you stand in the middle of the room and rake in deep gasps of air. You suddenly feel too exposed here, too alone, and that’s the last thing you want to be right now. You’re not sure how early or late it is as you fumble to get into your jumpsuit and you stumble out into the living room, your hands twitching nervously at your sides. You could try to wake up Ladson to talk to him, but that would also run the risk of waking Ani, and you don’t want to alarm either of them right now.

                No, you had a rough idea of who you wanted to talk to. You slip your staff over your head, double-check to make sure you still had your keycard with you, and head out into the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of general housekeeping, this story has already been written. I mean, I still have to go back to make sure daily edits are in order and there's still a few technical details and certain "action" scenes that I'm ironing out the kinks to and adding on, but for the most part all 33 chapters have been written (yes, 33!) although this story is a bit longer than A Flare in the Dark. Since I'm still tacking on new information, I can't say exactly how much longer, but I passed the 150k word mark a while back. Not sure if I'll make it all the way to 200k words, but anything's possible. =P Anyway, until tomorrow, cheers!!


	13. Chapter 13

               You head to the command center, where General Organa is milling about with a few others. She turns to look at you in confusion as you enter. A few other species of alien origin turn to her, but she simply nods her head, clearing your entrance. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be here,” you say immediately.

               “That’s all right,” she says calmly. You know that she can sense your distress through the Force.

               “Can we go somewhere private and talk?” you ask. “Just for a minute? I know you’re probably busy here, but-“

               “It’s fine,” she says quickly. She turns around and gives an order as you head out into the hallway. She leads you into an adjacent room that looks like a large meeting room, with a long table at the center of it and chairs on all sides, but you don’t sit down.

               “I-“ You’re about to tell her about the dream, but for whatever reason, you hold back. You can’t help like you’re being physically restrained from talking, although you don’t know why. “Is there some purpose for me being here?” you ask her. “Is there some reason why I’m being trained in all of this?”

               She seems to sense that this is a misdirection, as her brow furrows in confusion. “I already told you why you’re here,” she says. “I want to protect Ani and keep you both safe. Did something happen?”

               “No, I just-“ You rub at your face with both hands. A voice in the very back of your head is screaming at you not to trust her, but you don’t know where it’s coming from. You had trusted her for weeks, and she had given you no reason not to trust her.

               “Look,” Leia says firmly, taking both of your hands in hers. “Right now we are planning an offensive strike against the First Order. Nobody has told you about it, because nobody wants you to be involved. This isn’t a war you want to be in, and I respect that. You’ve already done more than I could have asked of you, and-“

               “You shouldn’t have told me that,” you whisper, because you’re not really listening to anything she’s saying. The words _planning an offensive strike_ keep swirling around and around inside your head, and you get the distinct sense that you’re not alone in your head, but you don’t know who’s there, and if you don’t know who it is, you’re not sure you know how to keep him or her out. “I think this is Snoke,” you tell her. “Or Kylo.” You bite your lip. “I think we’ve been doing a good job of protecting Ani, because I think Snoke is coming after me now, trying to manipulate me through Kylo.”

               “What have you seen?” Leia asks softly.

               “Kylo,” you tell her. “He wants me to-“ You blink and your eyes widen. “I told him where I was. I told him I was _here,_ I-“

               Leia says your name firmly, squeezing your hands in both of hers. “Talk to me, tell me, what does he want you to do?”

               “He wants me to take Ani and go to him,” you tell her. “He told me he can show me how to find him.”

               “Did he tell you anything?” Leia’s voice is urgent. “Did he tell you how?”

               You just shake your head sadly. “No, no, I think I broke the connection somehow. I saw a lot of weird stuff, and then, I don’t know, the connection broke.” Leia just sighs and shakes her head as she drops her hold on your hands and steps away from you.

               “What do you want me to do?” you ask her. “Do you want me to try to open up the connection again? Try to find out where he is?”

               “Do you feel him?” Leia asks, not looking at you. “Right now?”

               “Um, not really,” you say softly. “I just feel like there’s something, I don’t know, in my head. It’s hard to explain.”

               Leia turns back to you. “When you see Rey today, tell her what happened. Tell her to work on keeping your shields up.”

               “So you don’t think that was a dream then?” you ask her, and she shakes her head from side to side.

               “You are bound to him through the Force,” she tells you. “And I have no doubt Snoke is going to use him to try to manipulate you for his own ends. Try to keep him out as much as you can. Is this the first time you’ve had contact with him?”

               “The first time ever was my second night here,” you tell her. “But shouldn’t you want me to keep the channel open? Won’t it help to find out where he is?”

               “We have a rough idea of where he is,” Leia tells you. “We have other ways of finding out information, one that won’t put you in any more danger.”

               “But if I can help-“ you start.

               Leia just shakes her head. “Talk to Rey; let her help you keep your shields up.”

               You can’t help but let a flame of irritation burn in your chest. “But if I’m no good to anyone just-“

               “You’re not good to anyone if you fall prey to Snoke’s influence,” Leia says firmly, but patiently. “He is a lot more powerful than you know, and we don’t know how strong his hold is on you yet.” You suck in a breath, letting it out slowly. “I know you still care for him-“

               “I don’t,” you say firmly. It’s a lie, you know it, she knows it, but you can’t help it. “I mean, I’m not going to give Ani to him, at any rate, so it doesn’t really matter how I feel. I’ll probably never see him again, so it’s not worth thinking about, right?”

               She walks over to you and puts a hand on your upper arm in a comforting gesture. She just looks at you pitifully, sadly, and you can’t help the feeling that you’re disappointing her. Or yourself. Or someone. You’re not quite sure.

               You just nod your head and follow her back out into the hallway, running into Poe. “Good morning, Commander,” Leia says pleasantly.

               “General,” Poe replies with a quick salute, before he notices you behind her. His head cocks to the side in confusion, and your heart drops. “What are you doing here?”

               “Woke up bright and early, ready to go,” you tell him. “Came to see if you were here already and ran into her instead.”

               “I’ll leave you to it then,” Leia says, nodding to both of us.

               “General-“ Poe says quickly. “Shouldn’t I, er-“

               “Another time,” Leia says as she disappears back inside the command center, and you stand outside awkwardly with Poe. You had no idea what that about, what you assumed it was some kind of military thing.

               “Military thing,” Poe says quickly as he glances at you, and you nod your head.

               “I figured,” you reply. “You know, I can go back and wait if it’s important…” You stop talking as Poe cracks a grin and shakes his head, and you walk out together toward the hangar.

               “So, starting to like it here?” he asks as you walk through the halls. It’s still very early, and the corridors are almost completely empty.

               “It has its perks,” you reply with a shrug of your shoulders.

               “It must,” Poe replies. “A few weeks ago I never thought you would be the one waking up before me.”

               You just let out a good-natured snort as you shake your head. “I’m not a morning person.”

               “Nothing wrong with that,” Poe replies, but you sense something teasing in his tone.

               “I’m cranky in the morning,” you continue, for no other reason than you still feel perturbed and don’t want to deal with the silence right now. “It’s just your good fortune that you have to be the first person to put up with me as I wake up.”

               “And I don’t mind in the slightest,” Poe says good-naturedly. You try to think of something to say, some witty retort, but there is nothing, so you just open your mouth and shut it again as you fume quietly to yourself and follow him down the hall towards the hangar.

               You had graduated past the transport shuttle, and he was now teaching you how to pilot a light diplomatic corvette. It was larger and a little bit harder to maneuver, but not by much. Poe had taken you to space several times now, and you were starting to get the feeling that you actually knew what you were doing when you flew. He had even let you try navigating the edges of the asteroid ring at your insistence, but only the once. The experience of trying to predict the movements of the asteroids was taxing, even with the small amount of foresight that you had achieved with Rey’s training.

               A few days before, he had pulled up a dense technical manual on his flight screen, an old Imperial Navy text on hyperdrive theory and its applications, and had talked you through it during that day’s lesson, preferring to actively guide you in learning what you really needed to know, rather than just leaving you a thick volume of text for you to read. He assumed, quite correctly, that you probably wouldn’t read it in your spare time, but he had still downloaded it to your datapad nonetheless and _asked_ you, nicely, to read the highlighted sections he had talked you through that day. After that, you couldn’t really say no.

               The sections he highlighted skipped over deep theory and instead focused on the basics of hyperdrive construction and navigation procedures that were all a novice pilot needed to know. As you read through it, you were extremely thankful that Poe had talked you through the various sections in a way that you could understand them, otherwise the highlighted passages would have been almost impossible for you to understand, even without all the intimidating math and theoretical discussions you glimpsed over as you flicked from one page to another.

               During yesterday’s flight, he had talked about the way ripples behaved in a tub of draining water, how they just vanished near the drain. He went on to explain that was the way _mass shadows_ worked in hyperspace, dropping you right out of it if you flew too close to them, and that really massive objects like stars and black holes actually had enough of an effect that you could physically crash into them while in hyperspace if you screwed up the flight path. You weren’t really keen to continue with hyperspace lessons after that, but he had assured you that most hyperdrives were equipped with a feature that specifically prevented that from happening by dropping you out of hyperspace at a safe distance from the detected mass, although it burned a lot of fuel doing so.

               One reading he had assigned elaborated further on the topic, and one very important concept you noted was that you had to be relatively free of a large mass’s gravity to jump _to_ hyperspace, but there was theoretically nothing stopping you from dropping out of hyperspace close to a large mass like a planet, so long as the shadow detection system didn’t kick in further away. Interestingly enough, the officer who had written the text had included an appendix to the chapter submitted by a naval cadet, which Poe had also highlighted. It looked a lot like the thesis texts you had read back at your old academia, and in it the cadet had elaborated on the mechanism of gravitational acceleration in hyperspace. The author went on to say that this was a tactical advantage the Navy could exploit only if a pilot was intimately familiar with every detail of his ship, and had the skill to write their own custom navigational algorithms provided by the main hyperdrive manufacturers and outlined a procedural foundation for doing so. The writing was nowhere near as formal as the other passages you read, in fact, it was downright colloquial, as if the writer was simply jotting down his own thoughts on the topic at hand. It made reading it so much easier, and made his point a lot easier to comprehend than the last few chapters you had skimmed through, even if you didn’t understand entirely what he was saying. As you reached the end, you realized that it was a reproduction of an Imperial Cadet’s commissioning thesis, submitted in letter form. As your eyes skimmed over the signature, you had felt your heart drop in your chest:

               _Respectfully submitted,_

_Han Solo, Ensign Select, Imperial Navy_

_Carida Imperial Academy_

               This was the one and only glimpse into Han Solo’s life that you had really seen outside of his sudden death, or gleaned from Rey. You had learned from her that he had apparently been a smuggler, and you couldn’t help but wonder if what his son had done had any effect on his position, or if he had since left the Imperial Navy behind a long time ago, perhaps when he had met Leia? You wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about it, but in the end you had decided that it was simply best to let sleeping dogs lie. Han Solo was dead now, the past could not be changed, and you didn’t want to stir up any more unpleasant memories than you probably already had.

               At least these thoughts served as a brief distraction from your dream last night as Poe leads you past the corvette you were expecting to fly today and into another room on the other side of the hangar that you had never been in before. “Umm, isn’t the corvette back there?” you ask a bit nervously.

               As he opens the door to the room, the overhead lights flick on, one by one, and ahead of you all you can see is what looks like a cockpit similar to the corvette’s on one side of the room, and a large computer bank on the other. Poe just grins as he sees your reaction. “Today you’re going to apply everything you’ve been learning about hyperspace, but here on the simulator. Up until now, it was fine to just sit back and let you learn by just flying the ship since I was there if anything were to go wrong, but with hyperspace jumps, it’s a bit different. As you’ve read, if you were to violate the jump procedure and then engage the hyperdrive, it would proceed to perfectly accelerate us straight into oblivion of one form or another much faster than I could react. This way, you can practice the procedures until they become second nature to you. Plus, most jumps from D’Qar take at least a couple of hours so we could only make one trip a day, even if it was just to Naboo and back. On the simulator, however, I can just instantly fast forward and you can do the next jump.”

               “Today we’re going to start with several repetitions of the same two jumps, here to Coruscant on manual and then back again. Nav computers can always calculate the routes, but I want to make sure you know how to plot a jump without a computer if necessary. I already downloaded the updated navigation package from the HyperNet this morning, so we’ll go over those in a second, but before you look, I’m going to give you a little quiz.” He gives you a wink, and you throw your head back and groan as loud as you can, letting your voice reverberate around the hangar. “What routes are you going to need for this jump, and how are they different from last night’s reading? To simplify things, assume we’ve already jumped to Naboo and we’re starting from there.”

               You think back to the special conditions the manual had outlined for all the jumps to the galactic core from the Outer Rim. With the exception of Ryloth, no Outer Rim system specifically had a direct route to Coruscant, so you would have to stick to the establish hyperspace lanes. You take a deep breath, and, rubbing the toe of your boot into the heel of the ground, start off in a low mumble. “If I remember _correctly_ , the most efficient route would have been to Malastare, follow the Hydian Way to Denon, and then take the Corellian Run all the way to Couscant, but thanks to _First Order_ -“ you practically spit the words. “-and the destruction of the Hosnian system, that’s no longer an option, so you’d have to follow the Hydian Way all the way to Brentaal and take the Perlimian Trade Route to Coruscant, which adds an extra, I don’t know, seven parsecs to the journey, accounting for gravitational changes.” You bite your lip nervously as you look back up at him for approval.

               “See?” Poe asks with his signature grin. “You know what you’re doing, so now go do it. Fly me to Triple Zero. You know what that is, don’t you?”

               You just roll your eyes, as if you’re offended by his lack of faith in you. “Triple Zero is the navigational euphemism for Coruscant, since it’s coordinates are 0,0,0,” you tell him. At least that was easy enough to remember.

               “Good,” Poe replies. “If you fly us through a star, though, it would void the insurance contract, so try not to do it.” It was that kind of humor you appreciated from him, until you actually flew straight through Corellia’s star after misprogramming the jump in attempting to correct for the Hosnian distortion and realized that he wasn’t kidding. When it came to hyperspace jumps, small procedural errors in calculating a manual jump were anything but minor, and the red flashing _Craft Destroyed: Stellar Mass Collision_ messages on your screen were just rubbing it in.

               “And there goes the insurance payout,” he chuckles, but you can’t help but feel a bit frustrated. You should have caught your mistake, should have done better, but the bits of your dream were starting to come back to you, and you tried to shake your head to clear it. You stand back as Poe clears the simulation’s destruction notification from your screen and resets it to Naboo. “Regardless, it’s your first time calculating a jump so it was bound to happen. Since it’s just us here, sitting calmly somewhere in Naboo’s vicinity, you don’t have to do it all from memory and rush the jump. Grab the procedure and walk through it step by step before jumping.”

               You sigh and pull out your datapad, pulling up the jump procedure for the corvette’s hyperdrive, immediately noticing that you had missed not just one, but a few important steps while you were distracted. You try again, and once you had made it all the way through the procedure and were ready to jump, you look over to Poe for approval. He just motions for you to go ahead, his expression giving nothing away. You push forward on the lever for the hyperdrive, hearing the characteristic sound coming from somewhere behind your seat. On your screen, the stars lengthened and stretched into infinity before resolving into a vortex. After a few seconds, the vortex faded and was replaced with an image of Coruscant, along with the blue text: _Jump Successful: Route Efficiency 87%._

               “Not bad,” Poe says from off to your right. “Most pilots don’t break eighty percent on their first jump. Let’s do it again and try to see if you can get it up to ninety-five percent. That’s as much as the old Corellian drive is capable of anyway; nothing like the _Falcon’s_.”

               After several rounds of this, you were starting to get the hang of things, and he started giving you new coordinates to jump to, sending you on a simulated hyperspace tour of the galaxy. As he gave you each new destination, you calculated the necessary route and made the jump, following all of his instructions perfectly even though your mind was somewhere else. Oddly enough, you weren’t even thinking about Kylo Ren. You were thinking about Snoke. Kylo had told you that Snoke had been aware of your presence, and yet you had never met him. Considering Snoke had been manipulating Kylo for years, you knew he had to have had an influence on him while you were on the Starkiller Base, knew he must have had an opinion on your relationship. If he knew about your presence, and he knew about Force training, then you knew he was someone who himself was at the very least aware of the Force, and you almost wondered if he had the ability to probe Kylo’s mind. If that was true, then Snoke would know everything Kylo said or did to you.

               What if Snoke was the one who had told Kylo to be nice to you? What if Snoke was the one who encouraged Kylo to let down your defenses, to make you fall in love with him? You couldn’t really imagine what sort of purpose that would serve, or why Snoke would even care, but it suddenly seemed like a very plausible, but very distressing, theory. What if Kylo never loved you at all? What if your emotions had all been a game to him? What if he was truly a morally bankrupt person and he was simply a puppet, an empty shell, following Snoke’s every order, even if that order was to fuck you and make you think he cared about you?

               You think back to when he had first come into your room at night and kissed you. At the time, you had thought you were confused by your emotions for him, and at the time, you had no way of knowing that things would become a million times more complicated years later. You think back to the time, when, he had made it seem like being intimate with you was a way of getting into your head. What if Snoke had been the one who had ordered Kylo to try to get into your head, and Kylo simply used his order as an excuse to get close to you because he liked you? That was certainly the more optimistic option, the more distressing one being the fact that Snoke ordered him to fingerfuck you against the wall of your bedroom to leave you thirsty and aching for him.

               These thoughts were so disturbing that they carried on in the back of your mind through your hyperspace lesson, through the blaster range with Finn, where you unsurprisingly did worse than usual but blamed it on a bad headache, up until lessons with Rey. Your fingertips were practically itching by the time you walking into her Green Room. She was there, as always, sitting on the stone floor in meditation.

               “Did Leia talk to you yet?” you ask, wasting no time as you walk across the stones and plop to the ground in front of her.

               “Yes,” she says as she opens her eyes, but her brow is furrowed. “I sense a great deal of anxiety in you.”

               “I’m thinking it was never Kylo,” you say quickly, eager to get what had been floating around in your head today out through your mouth. “I’m thinking it was Snoke, from the very beginning. I’m thinking he told Kylo to get into my head. I think he told Kylo to make me fall in love with him to manipulate me, to use me, although I don’t know what he was using me for. Maybe just for Ani? Maybe he was just using me and developing my Force abilities so that when I passed them on to Ani they’d be stronger? Maybe-“

               “Hush,” Rey says softly, drawing out the last ‘h’ and you close your eyes and let out a deep breath.

               You try to steady yourself, and you do feel a bit calmer when you open your eyes. “I know you said that you would never comment on it, but what do you think?” you ask. “Do you think it was all just a tool of Snoke’s manipulation?”

               “I can’t answer that,” Rey says firmly. “You know my experiences and my emotions towards him are quite difference from yours, and it wouldn’t be fair to taint your judgement.”

               “They’re not going to taint my judgement,” you insist, although you think back to the part of your vision last night when you had been running away from him in the forests of Takodana, just like in Rey’s vision. You couldn’t explain that, or the snake, but maybe it was something from far back in Rey’s memory that you had inadvertently latched onto.

               “How about this,” Rey suggests. “If you do well today, I’ll tell you after.”

               “It’s a deal,” you say readily. “So we’re going to set up a mental shield in my head to keep Snoke out, right?”

               “Right,” Rey says, scooting a little closer to you. “I’m going to try to get into your head, and I’m not going to really look for anything, I’m just going to sit there and wait for you to notice me so you can push me out.”

               “Okay.” You let out a deep breath and close your eyes, as you can feel her fingertips on your temples. Her hands are cold, really cold, despite the humidity in the room, and you shiver a little bit as you stare out into the expansive blackness behind your eyes and wait. You don’t see anything. You don’t feel anything. In fact, aside from her fingertips against her temple, you feel more or less like yourself.

               Suddenly you feel it, a tiny intrusion, so small you could barely be sure you felt anything out of the ordinary at all. You put up a shield in your mind, pretending that there is a tiny barrier around yourself that no one can get through. You place it around your thoughts, letting it pulse in time to your breaths, in and out in a slow, constant, steady rhythm. There is a tiny prick of pain from elsewhere in your mind, and you feel a push, like Rey is trying to get in.

               _No._ You can feel the push getting stronger, but this time you don’t have to mentally visualize anything to keep her out. When you had practiced with Kylo, you were always trying to mentally picture something, like a wall or a corridor, but now the Force had become second nature to you and you could use your abilities without taking the extra time to create a visual space in your mind. But the pushing is getting stronger and stronger and you don’t know how long you can keep your mental shield up for. You can tell she’s doing her best not to hurt you, but it’s bordering on painful, and you can feel a tiny bead of sweat drip down from your hairline as your mental energies struggle against hers.

               _Think of Kylo_ , you tell yourself, although you’re not quite sure why. You know she had seen everything on Starkiller Base, but for some reason your mind drifts back to the night he had first returned to you, the night he had named Ani. Somehow, deep down, you knew Rey had not seen that, and you let your mind drift back to what he had said. He had said he had made an _unscheduled_ departure, and he had looked downright embarrassed at the time. It had been so many years ago, but maybe, just maybe, he had been so ashamed of coming to visit you because he really did want to see you. Because he really did care about you. _Because he really did love you._

Your breathing slows and you allow yourself to focus on that and nothing else, the thought that he really did harbor genuine affection for you. Maybe at least some of it had been Snoke’s manipulation, but some part of it had been real. You knew that this wasn’t the point of the exercise, in fact, the point of it had been to strengthen your mental shield to keep Kylo and Snoke _out_ , but you can’t help it. Your faith in him was bolstering your shields, keeping Rey out, even though she was driving herself full force against you. If you were strong enough to do that when she was sitting in front of you, then you were strong enough to protect yourself from their mental manipulations from far off in the galaxy.

               Rey senses something is wrong as she stops and pulls away. “You couldn’t get in,” you tell her, but she stares at you with a disconcerted look on her face.

               “Why are you thinking of him?” she asks, like she genuinely doesn’t understand.

               “I don’t-“ you shake your head quickly, as if coming back to yourself. _Why_ had you thought about him in that way? All that morning you had thought about how he had been manipulating you, and now, suddenly you were just as sure that he truly loved you? “I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.” For once, you’re not confused, you’re not anxious, you’re just defeated.

               “It’s Snoke,” she tells you firmly. “He is using your memory and emotions to manipulate you.”

               “But that’s not Kylo’s fault, is it?” you ask her, genuinely not understanding. “If he’s doing all this because he’s been brainwashed by Snoke, then it’s not his fault.”

               “It is his fault,” Rey says firmly. “He had a choice. He may have been manipulated in the beginning, but he _chose_ to murder. He chose to go over to the dark side. That was his _choice_.”

               “Just tell me what you think,” you say, just as firmly. “Please. I know you don’t want to, but I need insight from someone who isn’t me, but someone who’s seen enough of my head to look at the situation objectively, and not just from what I’ve told them.”

               “I can’t,” Rey says as she sucks in a deep breath.

               “Why not?” you push.

               “Because I despise him,” Rey snaps, her voice full of venom. You’ve never seen her anything besides calm and collected; you’ve never seen her let her anger take control before. “He is a monster. There is no bit of goodness in him.” She rakes in a shuddering breath. “He kidnapped me, tortured me. He killed Han Solo, and he almost killed _Finn_.” She shakes her head from side to side. “I know you care for him and you want to see goodness in him, but there is only cruelty and fear in his heart. Any light he had left in him he has extinguished. He belongs to the darkness now.”

               “I’m sor-“ you call out to her, but she’s already stormed out of the room before you can finish your sentence. Your shoulders slump to your sides and you shut your eyes. Suddenly it made sense why she didn’t want to talk about him. Those were painful memories for her to relive, and you constantly bringing him up as if he was the greatest person alive was probably too much for her.

               You can feel tears start to well up in your eyes as your bottom lip quivers dramatically. Honestly, what did it even really matter if Kylo really did love you back then? He was a different person now. He had done unspeakable things, he had tortured the people you now called friends, and he had never come back for you. He was reaching out to you now, but it was obviously only a ploy to get to Ani. Did he really think that you were stupid enough to fall for it? Did he really think that you were stupid enough, that you were so blinded by love, that you would ignore the terrible things he had done and go running back into his arms anyway?

               Tears drip down your face in earnest now because you wanted to, Leia and Rey and everyone be damned. Everyone had been so kind to you here and yet you still wanted to run back to him. Were you really that weak? Even if there was a Force bond between you, weren’t you strong enough to resist it? You put both of your hands together in front of your mouth and bite down on the back of the knuckle on your right hand to keep from crying out. _I love you, Kylo, I do, but I can’t anymore. I can’t because it’s wrong, because you’ve hurt too many people, and I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but this isn’t healthy, dwelling on you like this, I can’t keep doing it. I can’t keep-_

Suddenly you feel someone’s arms close around you in a firm embrace, and for a moment you truly, honestly think it’s Kylo before you realize that it’s Rey. Her eyes are red and she holds you tightly from the side, resting her head against your shoulder. “I’m sorry for everything he’s done to you,” she says quietly, and you can’t help but laugh.

               “You’re sorry?” you ask. “He’s done a lot worse to you.”

               “But that’s over,” Rey tells you. “I know he can’t hurt me anymore. But you? It’s been years and he’s still hurting you.”

               “It ends today though,” you say quietly. “I have to let him go. It doesn’t matter how I feel, he’s done too many bad things, and I need to let him go. It ends today.”

               “It doesn’t though,” Rey says quietly. “It’s not over yet.”

               You didn’t know if there was something she knew that you didn’t, but a small part of you could at least sense that she was right. It didn’t matter how much you debated this. It didn’t matter how much you tried to let him go. The story was not yet over, and you still had a long way to go before you would get the answers you were looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the EU Wookieepedia, "Solo entered the Imperial Academy at Carida, serving with distinction. He was kicked out, however, when he stopped an Imperial officer from beating a Wookiee named Chewbacca with a neuronic whip for resisting capture. In gratitude, the Wookiee swore a life debt to Solo, protecting him with his life and a bond of friendship formed between the two that was unbreakable. Solo became a smuggler once again, with Chewbacca at his side." Considering I just heard yesterday that Chewie will be in the movie version of Han's origin story, I guess Disney is going to make this official canon? Maybe? I don't know anymore!! 
> 
> Also: breaking the wall, breaking the wall.... xD I don't know, I just feel so bad for our reader right now. One story from my work that stayed with me was I talked to this woman once, a nurse, who's husband did a bunch of bad things (not murder-bad, but, you know) and within a two hour conversation she swung back and forth from extolling his graces to absolutely hating his guts and she couldn't decide whether she was better off with him or without him and the thing she said to me that really stuck with me is that being with him was like smoking a cigarette. When she wasn't around him, she could see that it was bad for her and it was slowly killing her inside, but then when she was with him her mind just turned off and all of the bad stuff he had done didn't bother her anymore, it was like just being in his presence was a numbing agent and she just felt better and none of the stress from her job or her life bothered her when they were together. And that was really powerful to me and really stuck with me, that someone could have that kind of effect on a person (even without a Force bond!) and so that's something that has definitely stuck with me throughout this story. 
> 
> Either way, this story is not yet over and we still have a long, long way to go. ;) I pull off something awesome in tomorrow's chapter, but it's another two-parter again, and I can assure you: Chapter 15 is the chapter you have ALL been waiting for for a really long time. ;) Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	14. Chapter 14

               “Rey’s got a surprise for you today,” Poe says as you sit beside him in the cockpit of the diplomatic corvette.

               “Oh really?” you ask, turning slightly to the side to face him. “What kind of surprise?”

               He bites his lip and raises his eyebrows as he looks at you. “You know I can’t tell.”

               “Could you give me a hint?” you ask hopefully.

               “You’re going to love it.” You let out an exasperated huff, but he just winks at you, and you shake your head in mock offense as you turn back to the deep darkness of space in front of you.

               It had been two weeks since you had last cried with Rey on the floor of her Green Room, and things had been back to normal since then, at least as back to normal as they could get. You didn’t talk about Kylo Ren at all, and you did your best to not even think about him. You didn’t have any more dreams about him, either because he wasn’t reaching out to you or because you had been doing a good job of keeping your shield up while you went to sleep. You didn’t know, and quite frankly, you didn’t really care. You weren’t going to get answers by moping over him. Rey seemed convinced that the Force would let you know when it was time for answers and not a second before, so you just had to trust in the Force and keep moving. And that really wasn’t too hard when you were flying through space at several thousand kilometers per hour.

               “All right, today we’re jumping for real,” Poe tells you. “The simulation is all good and well for training, but it can’t possibly give you the feeling of your first actual jump. We can’t be too long, so we’ll just jump to Naboo and back. Head for the edge of the asteroid field, that’s the gravitational boundary for jumps from D’Qar, which is pretty convenient. The trip there is going to take a while, so tell me what you know about this ship’s base hyperdrive plant, then I’ll walk you through how Rey’s modifications affect it.”

               You knew that Rey and Poe had sometimes talked about their flight experience over dinner, but most of their discussions eventually evolved into technical theory that was beyond your comprehension, and so you usually used that time to talk to Finn about _normal_ things, like combat techniques, and whether a Rancor could take a Rathtar in a fight.

                You thought back to the manual that you had been reviewing the past few weeks. “The corvette has a Corellian Engineering Type-C quasilinear drive?”

               Poe smirks as he senses your reluctance. “All right, straight from the ship’s manual. What does it mean?”

               You roll your eyes. “It’s a Corellian drive, which means by design it’s less affected than other drives when passing by mass shadows, so the main safety worry is actually flying _into_ something. Type-C is a variable drive which is capable of using hypermatter annihilation or tibanna coolant conversion as its power source, and it’s the quasilinear sub-model which isn’t equipped with a field guide, so we can’t maneuver much in hyperspace. Once we jump, it’s pretty much a straight line.”

               “Good,” Poe says. “I had the ship loaded with hypermatter this morning to make it a faster trip. How fast?”

               “Um,” you close your eyes as you try to think. “Hypermatter makes it a 2.1 rating instead of 3.4 with tibanna.”

               “And the jump mechanism?”

               You were glad that the manual had provided a simple summary of the mechanism before it dove into the technicalities, and that was what you recited to him now. “Hypermatter is fed into the annihilation reactor, and that energy charges the surrounding superconductor coils, which starts the inertial dampening, so we don’t get completely flattened by Cronau kick. Then the coils discharge to the hyperdrive motivator, generating a Cronau wave in real space that pushes us into hyperspace.”

               “That’s the gist of it,” Poe says, tilting his head to one side. “There’s a bit more to it than that, but that’s all you really need to know. One more thing I haven’t taught you yet: since we’re travelling faster than light once we’re in hyperspace, several hundred years could pass in real time even though it would only feel like an hour to us. That would make things really problematic if you wanted next day delivery on a shipment order, so every hyperdrive is equipped with stasis field generators which cancel out most of the acceleration effect. The effectively zero-mass bubble the inertial dampeners create around the ship takes care of the rest. This way, our half-hour jump to Naboo only takes an _actual_ half hour.”

               You just shrug to yourself. That’s all Poe seemed to have wanted to say on that, so you take the conversation in a different direction. “What about those modifications Rey made?”

               “Remember the chapter I highlighted for you, the one Han wrote about advanced hyperdrive applications?” The name runs a chill through your spine, but you nod your head regardless. “Turns out, he actually went and did it after the Empire kicked him out for saving Chewie. He rebuilt the _Millennium Falcon_ ’s hyperdrive, added twin field guides for navigation in hyperspace itself, and wrote the navigation algorithms completely from scratch. The result was the fastest ship in the galaxy, rated 0.5, something you would never expect from a lowly YT-1300 cargo pusher. It also happens to be the only ship capable of bypassing military-grade defensive fields since he programmed it to ignore the minimum safety gravity margins that the manufacturers insist on. The man really knew what he was doing when it came to hyperdrives, especially when it came to the _Falcon_. Those custom algorithms are how he pulled off the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs.” You shift in your seat, and Poe laughs. “I know, I know, a parsec is a distance unit, not a time unit. I thought the same thing. Turns out smugglers evaluate hyperdrive records by route efficiency to make things fair between different ships. I looked up the route. It goes through the Maw, so twelve parsecs is technically 140% efficient according to hyperdrive computers. It’s an untouchable record.”

               Poe turns to read your expression, and you try to keep your face as even as possible as you learned just a little bit more about Kylo’s father, trying to glean whatever insight you could about his character without asking any direct questions. “Anyway,” Poe continues. “Rey learned a few things poking around in the _Falcon_ ’s hyerdrive plant and she applied what she learned to this hyperdrive, since they share some similar traits due to their Corellian origins. She rewound the superconductors so that the minimum annihilation power ratio required to jump is now much lower, down to 5:2 from 9:1. As a result, this ship is rated 1.7 for the same original power level. Additionally, she figured out the _Falcon_ drops out of hyperspace in a really cool way. When you’re ready to drop out of hyperspace, the inertial dampeners flicker, causing the protection system to reverse the hyperdrive field current for an instant full stop instead of wasting fuel on a gradual deceleration until we just fall out of hyperspace. Since we still have the inertial dampeners running, real space can catch up to the ship after the sudden drop without damaging it.”

               As he finishes talking, you both instinctively check the sensors and see that the asteroid field below the ship has thinned and you’re nearly at the edge of the ring. After a short pause, you see the hyperdrive lock disengage, indicating that you are far enough from D’Qar to jump without gravity sending you wildly in some unintended direction.

               “Before we jump, don’t forget to notify Control so they know it’s us,” Poe tells you as he motions to the comlink. “We don’t want to put the whole base on alert.”

               “Right,” you say, as you lean forward to press the button.

               “Don’t forget your callsign,” Poe reminds you, and you turn to look at him.

               “Callsign?” you ask. “I don’t have a callsign. I have a _name_ sign-“ You make the first initial of your name and run it down the left side of your face, from your chin to your shoulder, in a spiral motion. “-but I don’t have a callsign.”

               “Oh,” Poe has the decency to look embarrassed and he looks away from you, for just a moment. “How do you feel about Moonstaff?”

               “Moonstaff,” you almost spit at him. “You’re Black Leader and I’m _Moonstaff_?”

               “Well, you’re always carrying that staff around,” he says defensively, and you just shake your head. “If you don’t like it-“ 

               You slam your finger down on the comlink button, narrowing your eyes as you look at Poe, and speak as confidently as you can. “Control, this is _Moonstaff_ , readying corvette _Aspiration_ for hyperspace jump to Naboo under instruction and will return in an hour, acknowledge.”

               Poe just smirks and shakes his head as the controller speaks through the comlink. “Moonstaff, we acknowledge and Tracking has been notified. You may proceed.”

               You take your finger off the button. “Moonstaff,” you mutter under your breath. “I’m only accepting that because _you_ came up with that name, but you are not allowed to call me that while we are in atmosphere, is that understood?”

               “Yes, captain,” Poe says teasingly, and you purse both your lips together as you feel a blush come over your face. It wasn’t that you minded it all that much, but if you were going to have a name, you wanted something a little more official-sounding. Okay, nothing could probably top _Black Leader_ but-

               You just shook your head. Whatever. It didn’t matter. You were Moonstaff now, apparently.

               You walk through the procedure, checking that everything is in order, before you place your hand on the hyperdrive lever and look over at Poe. “Everything checks out, you ready?”

               He checks the settings one last time and then looks back with his signature cocky grin. “I’m ready when you’re ready.”

               “I’m always ready.” You push forward and watch as the stars outside lengthen to infinite lines and give way to the now familiar swirl of hyperspace. During the trip, Poe walks you through the etiquette of communicating with a system that didn’t know you were coming. While the First Order already knew D’Qar was the major base for the Resistance, they weren’t too keen on adding to the list of people who knew where they were, so it would have to be an unannounced arrival, and for a ship of this size, the Cronau signature would be immediately picked up and classified. As a matter of safety, he said to identify as a Republic corvette, since that was consistent with its registration, and to say that you were just conducting routine qualification examinations.

               You wink at him and nod your head. “Republic corvette, all right, all right, I got you.”

               Poe just smirked as the jump timer counted down close to zero, and you placed your hand on the lever, ready for manual drop in case the system didn’t do it for you. Fortunately, the computer automatically dropped you out of hyperspace and the vortex disappeared, leaving only planet Naboo in its place. It was beautiful, much prettier than it had looked on your similar screen, but you had only a second to admire it before the comlink crackled on.

               “Corellian corvette, this is Theed Space Control. State your identity and business.”

               “Theed?” you ask Poe.

               “Naboo’s capital city,” Poe says quickly. “Answer the controller.”

               “Theed Control, this is Republic diplomatic corvette L-372 _Aspiration_ under instructional command. We will not require landing clearance as we are leaving shortly to continue hyperspace navigation qualifying examinations.”  

               “Acknowledged, you may continue with preparations. Notify Control prior to departure.”

               You glance back to Poe, who smiles warmly at you. “That was perfect,” he tells you. “Did you know that this was the home planet of Emperor Palpatine?” You shake your head no. “Seems strange, how someone so evil could come from a place as beautiful as this, while Rey grew up on Jakku. Anyway, let’s turn around and get back to D’Qar.”

               You turn the ship’s flight controls to bring the ship around and head back toward D’Qar, programming the flight computer with the necessary parameters. Once you had verified everything was in order, you pressed the comlink.

               “Theed Control, this is _Aspiration_.”

               You waited for a moment, and then, “ _Aspiration,_ this is Control, go ahead.”

               “Control, _Aspiration_ preparing for transition to hyperspace.”

               “Noted, _Aspiration,_ Theed signing off.”

               You push the lever forward and the jump goes smoothly as you roll your eyes over to Poe. “You’re impressed, aren’t you? Go ahead, tell me you’re impressed.”

               “If you need to hear it _that_ badly,” Poe says teasingly, and you shake your head. “You know you’re doing a good job. You know what you’re doing.” You smile to yourself as you settle back in your chair. “So I guess that means you’re ready for another quiz.” You throw back your head and groan.

               During the half hour trip home, Poe walks you back through the landing cycle in preparation for arrival. “So, first question, why do you have to slow down when entering a planet’s atmosphere?”

               You snort through your nose. That was an easy one. “If you don’t use repulsors to counteract gravitational acceleration, the shields will be overwhelmed by atmospheric drag and then the ship will start to burn up as we speed up. If we’re going slowly, it gives us time to react if something goes wrong.” As you say this, you notice the jump timer nearing zero, and grab the lever. The ship drops automatically and you are greeted by the sight of D’Qar and its vast asteroid ring. You immediately move to notify Control of your arrival.

               “Control, this is Moonstaff, returning from our trip to Naboo. Requesting clearance for arrival through Approach Bravo.”

               “Welcome back, Moonstaff. You’re cleared to arrive through Bravo.”

               “All right, bring us in, _Moonstaff_ ,” Poe says teasingly, and you groan inwardly.

               You power up the engines and race ahead to the planet, slowing as you approach the edge of the atmosphere and activating the main landing repulsors to keep your speed constant as you descend through D’Qar’s atmosphere near the equator. After several minutes, you descend through the cloud cover and are greeted by D’Qar’s familiar landscape. You turn north, towards the Resistance base, flying the familiar landing approach completely on your own for the first time. In a few minutes, you see the Resistance base below, and check for any obstructions along the approach corridor. Seeing none, you brought the ship down to approach height and turned around to align with the approach corridor.

               As the trees moved slowly past you, you turned the knob that switched engines to low power landing mode in preparation for entering the hangar. As you approached the hangar door, you slowed to what felt like a complete stop after your recent high speed approach and slowly glided into the hangar. Inside, the flashing line directed you to land the corvette in the same spot it always did, and, grabbing the left stick, directed the shuttle to the spot before turning it to face outward again. You pushed down on the stick and felt the ship sink to the ground as the landing repulsors powered down. Once it landed, you cut power to the engines and shut off the shield and all repulsors. Once all the proper indicators glowed red, you extended the boarding ramp and opened the main breakers, motioning for Poe to go ahead of you for once. He just smirked and humored you as he headed out of the cockpit first, for once.

               “So,” Poe says as you follow him down the corridor heading for the blaster range. “Now that you’ve taken off, flown, and jumped and landed in this ship with minimal interruption from me, I think that makes you a fully qualified pilot of the _Aspiration_ -class diplomatic corvette. That’s a serious credential, and there’s a lot of responsibilities that come with it.”

               “Oh yeah?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. “Like?”

               “Well, for starters, I think it means that you’re going to have to get dinner for me from now on,” Poe says, and you just laugh and shake your head as you wave goodbye to him and head into the blaster range.

               “Hey,” Finn says, looking up as you enter the room. “Rey’s got a surprise for you today.”

               You cock your head to the side as you study his face. “Poe told me the same thing.”

               “Well, it’s true,” Finn says with a shrug. “It’s a really special surprise. You’re going to love it.”

               “So I keep hearing,” you mutter under your breath, and Finn cocks his head to the side as he observes you.

               “You doing okay?” he asks, putting his hand lightly on your shoulder in a tender gesture.

               “Good,” you reply simply. Finn’s eyes meet yours for a moment before he looks away. You knew Ladson had opened up to him about what had happened on the Starkiller Base, and he said that Finn had been a fantastic support for him, and you could believe it. Finn seemed to be the kind of guy who could listen for hours and hours without judging you, but you couldn’t talk to him, not today, not when you were too distracted by whatever surprise that Rey seemed to have waiting in store for you that both Finn and Poe were both in on.

               “Well, I’m here if you ever want to talk,” Finn says, and you just smile in response.

               “I will,” you tell him. And you would. Soon. But not today.

               “So today I thought we might move on to more practical combat tactics,” Finn tells you. “It’s easy to hit a target when it’s stationary and you’re standing still so you can take time to aim and make sure your stance is perfect, but it’s a lot harder to hit someone when both of you are moving and someone’s firing at your head. Grab a blaster and follow me.”

               He picks up a small crate and steps through the door on the other side of the range. You follow him through and he shuts and bolts the door behind you before unlocking the crate at his feet while you stare on nervously. The room in front of you looks like a maze of large crates, some open, some closed, with many different ramps and bridges connecting them, surrounded by a wall, as if this was some kind of arena. “Is there something I need to be worried about?” you ask, unable to suppress the trepidation in your voice.

               “Naw,” Finn says with a grin. “Nothing more than a sting if one of these things gets you. The lock is just to keep them from getting out into the base and making mischief. He pulls out a large sphere, a little bit larger than his fist dotted with what looked like blaster emitters, and holds it out at arm’s length while inspecting it for something. He seems to find whatever he was looking for and presses a button on its side. Suddenly, an orange training bolt shoots into his arm, and he drops it with a loud yelp. You step back, in case it fires something in your direction when it hits the floor, but it never makes impact. Instead, it just seems to hover in the air for a few moments before it drifted off towards the crates, emitting two short beeps as it went.

               “No, I think I should be concerned,” you turn back to Finn. “You okay?”

               “Yeah,” Finn says as he massages the sore spot. “Hate when those things do that.”

               “So, you want to tell me what that was before I run screaming from this room?” you ask with a light smirk.

               “It’s a combat training droid,” Finn explains. “Soldiers use them to learn focus under fire from a much smaller target. To make sure you don’t get stung, you have to learn both situational awareness to avoid getting shot and to be able to hit one of those things on the first shot. Rey tells me that Luke told her that Jedi also used them for lightsaber training, although she’s never tried to use them.” He pulls out three more of the spheres, one like the first, and two that looked a bit like BB-8’s spherical section. “These two will roll around, so look for them on the ground. Today, I’ll just give you the four. As you get better, you could probably take on this whole crate, plus that crazy maintenance droid on the shelf next door.” He activates each sphere in turn, and each one either rolls or floats towards the pile of crates, emitting the same two short beeps as they go.

               “Those beeps mean they’re ready,” he continues. “All you have to do is cross that line between the first two crates and then their combat programming takes over. Set your blaster to stun to take them out in one shot, otherwise it takes three hits using training shots. As frustrating as these things can be, don’t use combat rounds. This crate is all I have, and I’d like to reuse them. Start whenever you’re ready.”

               “Always ready,” you reply as you make sure to set your blaster to stun and walk towards the crates. As you step over the line, the lighting in the room suddenly takes on a red tint, and one of the rolling droids peeks out from behind the first crate and fires, hitting you square in the shoulder before rolling away into the arena. You let out a sharp cry as you can feel pain radiate out from the pain spot into your upper arm and grimace as you rub the spot.

               “That happens a lot,” Finn calls from behind you. “There’s usually one waiting right by the entrance about half the time; don’t worry about it. Also, don’t forget to look inside the open crates. Sometimes the floaters like to hide in them and wait for you to walk by them before coming out and shooting you in the back. Also, whenever you shoot one, there are probably another one ready and waiting, so be careful.”

               “I’m beginning to think I was a lot safer back with the First Order,” you call back to him as a sense of dread starts to creep through your body, starting with your toes and working its way up as you creep carefully through the arena. To your left, you heard a small shuffle around the corner, and so you quickly braced yourself for a roll. You had thankfully learned how to roll properly from Captain Phasma, albeit without a blaster, but you figured the concept was similar, moving faster than your opponent could react. You spring forward and roll into the intersection on your right shoulder. Halfway through the motion, you spot the droid creeping towards the crate corner, so you quickly take aim with your blaster and fire. The blue bolt hits the droid in the dead center of its round body, just as the orange one barely misses your ear. You feel a small sense of relief that is quickly cut short by a sharp sting in the back of your neck that makes your head snap forward.

               “Fuck,” you hiss as you whirl around to face it. You chase the retreating sphere around the corner, anticipating its shots and dodging them accordingly. You stop short as it goes around the corner, and you decide to try to get the upper hand by walking up a ramp to the top section of the arena. As you do, you quickly spot a second floater droid floating near the edge of a crate, peering down like a sniper at the ready. You fire off a quick shot and it shuts off, falling to the crate’s surface with a small whine. Knowing that there was probably something else ready to take fire at you, you quickly spun around and spotted the other floater rising from a passage below. You fire but miss as it slinks away, and you huff as you chase after it.

               The next few minutes were not so easy, and you felt like the two remaining droids were leading you in circles. They would disappear around a corner just as you took aim, only to quickly reappear and fire off a quick shot at you before you could fire back, and you were much more concerned with not being hit than hitting them. It was aggravating work, but you finally managed to track them down and eliminate both of them, although, truth be told, you had ended up taking out the last floater by jumping on it and wrestling it to the ground after you depleted your charge pack. As soon as it was down, the lighting in the room went back to normal, and you carried your subdued opponent back to the arena entrance on your shoulder.

               “Too easy,” you say, although you can still feel a swollen welt in the back of your neck where it had hit you.

               “I was counting shots,” Finn tells you. “You ran out at twenty, so how’d you take that one out?”

               “Tackled it,” you say, holding it up in front of you, unable to conceal the pride in your voice. You turn to the side and lift up your sleeve to display the small, raised welts on your right arm from the few shots it had fired off before powering down.

               Finn just laughs as he shakes his head at you. “Well, I guess it’s a valid tactic if you know it can’t kill you. Next time I’m going to make it a rule that you can only shoot them, so you’ll have to conserve your ammo.” You make a face, and he just grins. “I’m assuming you had fun though, right? You were in there for almost an hour.”

               “An hour?” you repeat incredulously. “That felt like it was no more than, like, ten minutes.”

               “That tends to happen when you’re being shot at,” Finn tells you with another laugh. “Hours feels like minutes and minutes feel like hours, but Rey is probably definitely ready for you now, so you head on out and I’ll clean up.”

               “Will you at least tell me what the surprise is?” you ask hopefully, but Finn just winks at you the same way Poe had earlier.

               “It’s going to be _awesome_ ,” Finn tells you as he heads into the arena, and you just let out another large groan as you make your way towards the Green Room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcanon: Poe really likes naming things. PS: All this tech stuff is legit (thanks J.A.M.!!) so if you're ever confronted and accused by a testosterone-driven boy wearing an oversized band tee shirt of being a "fake geek girl" please feel free to memorize as much of this as possible and throw it back in his face when he doesn't know why every hyperdrive is equipped with a stasis field generator. Hasn't happened to me yet, personally, but I've heard stories and I live to serve. ;) Also, as much as fun as it was writing Finn's part, does anyone else want to go out and like...do it? For real? Someone call Disney, let's make this happen. 
> 
> PS: I come bearing gifts!! If you really can't wait until tomorrow I wrote a short(ish...~8500 words) Kylo Ren x Reader fic based on a prompt that an awesome anon submitted, so if you're looking for more reading material to help ease the wait until you see the awesome surprise Rey has in store, feel free to check it out by clicking [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/140811002152/prompt-can-you-write-a-sw-fic-w-reader-being-the)!! And yes, I do accept prompts and requests, so if you have an idea you'd like to see turned into a short one-shot or a ficlet, feel free to shoot me a message on Tumblr @ [streetsolo](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/ask).


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise time!! The chapter you have all been waiting for is finally here!! I debated putting the visual aids to this chapter at the beginning or at the end of the chapter, but I think it works better if you check out the visual aids at the beginning so you have a better idea what's illustrated on the flimsiplast before you read the chapter, so please click [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/140865552077/how-to-design-your-own-lightsaber-staff) to check that out before continuing on with today's chapter!! (Or check it out after, if you really prefer, but it will probably help to see it beforehand! xD) I've posted the dimension concepts, the cutaway assembly, and the electrical diagram, but I was advised to withhold the material's list so we're not liable if someone gets hurt trying to assemble this themselves!!

               “I have a surprise for you today,” Rey says as you enter her Green Room.

               “So I keep hearing,” you reply good-naturedly. “I’ve been waiting all day. Poe and Finn could hardly stop talking about it.”

               “Well, it’s exciting,” Rey says with a shrug. She gets to her feet, and that’s when you realize that she’s holding something in her hand.

               “Is that a-“ Your voice catches in your throat as a blue blade jumps out from the hilt in her hand. You can’t help but make a small noise of appreciation in the back of your throat as she twirls it around in her hands absent-mindedly. The only other lightsaber you had seen in your life was Kylo’s and it had been bright red, crackling and angry, with little jets of red flame blazing out of the crossguard. Rey’s lightsaber was a pale blue, glowing with a soft, steady hum that was almost soothing.

               “I think it might help give you some focus,” Rey says at length. “I spoke to Leia about it, and she agreed that it was all right. Luke was against it, but Luke is, well, Luke.”

               “Yeah,” you say appreciatively, although you had no idea what she meant by that. “Will I ever meet him?”

               “Perhaps,” Rey says. “He’s rarely ever here. But he said the decision was ultimately up to me.” She grins sheepishly as she looks up at you. “To be honest, he didn’t think I was ready for mine either, and at the time, neither did I, but I was ready for it.”

               You just nod, not sure where she’s going with this. “So you want to train me with your lightsaber?”

               The blue light flashes against her hazel eyes as she swings the lightsaber out in front of her. “No, I want to help you make your own.”

               “My own-?” Your mouth drops open as you stare at her. “You mean, I’m going to get my own lightsaber?”

               “If you can make it,” Rey says with a slight chuckle. “I have the components, but you’re going to have to construct it yourself.”

               “Right here?” you ask as your eyes sweep the expanse of the small room. “But where are the parts?”

               “We can’t build it here,” Rey says with a smirk, as if this should have been obvious. “The humidity in this room is too high to safely build it here; lightsabers are very sensitive. I have the parts in the magazine, in the place where they work on the proton torpedoes. The conditions in that room actually make it the perfect place to build one.”

               “Then lead the way,” you say, bowing low in a dramatic gesture, as you follow her out of the Green Room.

               “Have you missed me over the past week?” Rey asks as you walk down the corridor.

               “Nah,” you say, hitting her arm lightly with the back of your hand to show that you were just joking. “Finn and Poe were more than enough company.”

               “Good to hear it,” Rey replies. “Luke and I went to the remains of the Starkiller Base to find something you’ll need, a large Kyber crystal. Before the First Order took over the planet, it was once known as Ilum, and it was the largest source of Kyber crystals for the old Jedi Order. That’s why the First Order decided to build their base there, I think, to use in that laser weapon they made.” You nod your head, but you didn’t really know either way. “When the Resistance destroyed it, the weapon was mostly charged, so the majority of the planet collapsed into a star, but some of the crust was blasted outward and now orbits the star as a thin asteroid field. I got really lucky and found a chunk that was particularly rich in crystals and happened to have some piping of the perfect material stuck inside as well-“

               She pauses as she greets two guards standing outside a single door, and they let the two of you pass. It was interesting; you had never really seen guards on any part of this base before, and so you knew that whatever was inside this room was definitely of great importance. Inside, you immediately notice the racks of missiles and crates lining the room, as if they had been cleared away. In the center of the room are two large tables filled with all kinds of parts, most of which look like electronic components. In the center of the first table is what looks like a metal pipe a little less than a meter long and a little thicker than your staff, with a small hole cut in the center. In the center of the other table was a small pile of pale blue tinted crystals, which you figured must be the Kyber crystals.

               Rey steps over to the first table and motions to the pipe. “This is Mandalorian Iron. I learned to recognize it when I lived on Jakku since Unkar paid a premium for it. Considering you’re already skilled with your staff, I wanted to get you a material suitable for a little bit of an unconventional design, a double-bladed staff.”

               “Are you kidding?” you ask. You can feel your hands literally trembling with excitement at your side. “Are you talking about making me a lightsaber _staff_?”

               “You’re making it,” Rey says with a smile. “Mandalorian iron is nearly impossible to cut by lightsaber; I know because I spent all morning cutting it down to size and had to charge my lightsaber’s power packs twice. This way, you can still block normally without the fear of it being cut in half by another lightsaber, the way Luke’s master once defeated a Sith Lord. Additionally, Mandalorian iron is extremely dense, so you won’t have to change your fighting style much since the pipe will have a similar weight as your own staff, unlike the light materials most choose to construct their own lightsabers. I took advantage of the extra material and added it to my own lightsaber.” She holds out her lightsaber and points out six small strips of the material arranged around the blade end. “Incidentally, it still makes a useful weapon on its own, even without the blades activated.”

               “Since we’re working with the pipe, building the lightsaber is going to be a test of your Force skill, because all of the internal components will have to be inserted through the ends or the hole in the center and joined using the Force.” She looks up at you. “Do you know how to read a circuit diagram?”

               “Uh, I don’t think so,” you say quickly.

               “Don’t worry,” Rey says confidently. “I’ll walk you through it. All you need to worry about is the overall design. Considering you use the Force to deploy your staff to its full length, I figured you would prefer a similar design for your lightsaber as well. Both Luke’s lightsaber and mine use mechanical toggles to activate the blade, but I’ll show you how to make a Force-activated trigger for yours.”

               “Awesome,” you say, biting your lip in excitement. For once, you didn’t regret letting Rey inside your head, not if it meant she knew exactly what kind of awesome presents to get you.

               “Before we start, you need to choose a crystal,” she tells you as she leads you over to the second table. “The rest of the design is going to depend on its shape.” As she talks, she spreads them out over the table and you look over each one in turn. “For your weapon to be a proper extension of yourself, you have to find a crystal that’s attuned to who you are in the Force. Technically any of these crystals will do, but since Kyber crystals draw the majority of their power from the Force, they are most powerful when they are tuned to you. When you find it, you’ll know. I’ll wait outside so that my powers won’t interfere with yours. Just call me back in when you’ve found it.”

               Rey steps outside and you step up to the table, letting your hand hover over the table of crystals as you close your eyes. You pass your hand slowly over the crystals in a slow, clockwise circle, feeling a small pull to one corner. You pass over them in another circle, feeling the same tingling sensation spreading through your fingers. On the third pass, you stop and reach down to where you feel the strongest pull, closing your hand around a crystal that seems to vibrate in your hands. You open your eyes and look down at the crystal as you scoop it up in your palm. It has two distinct lobes, and right where the two are joined at the center, there is a small crack, almost as though the two lobes were trying to pull apart at the center. You float it into the air just above your palm, and the force of the crystals fighting each other causes them to spin and tumble in midair. You weren’t sure if it was normal for Kyber crystals to be so conflicted, but then again, maybe it was just further proof that you yourself were conflicted right down to your core. There was no way this could be a coincidence.

               “Rey?”

               Rey steps back in and look at the crystal spinning above your palm, and she tilts her head to the side strangely as she watches you. “That’s interesting,” she says at length. “I had a feeling it might be that one. Honestly, I’m a bit anxious to see what kind of blade it produces. Before we can start assembly, you’re going to have to split the crystal and use the Force to do it, but it shouldn’t be too difficult considering the nature of that crystal. If it’s split any other way, the two halves will no longer be linked and the Force toggle will be impossible to produce. Come, sit with me.”

               She pulls two cushions out from under the tables and places them on the floor. You sit on one and Rey takes the other, sitting across from you, relaxing with her eyes closed and motioning for you to do the same. “Float the crystal like you did earlier, and try to feel every aspect of it in the Force. Feel how the Force flows through it, and where the crystal’s conflict lies. That will be the proper place to divide it. Still the crystal as much as you can, then visualize every bond along the crack gently separating as the crystal comes apart. There, just like that.”

               You open your eyes and see that the two lobes have now separated and are now orbiting one another above your hand, the earlier tension you felt in them gone now that they are separated into their two distinct halves.

               “Good,” Rey says. “That means they’re still linked through the Force so the two blades will act as one. Here, put them in here for now. We won’t need them until the very end.” She holds out a small bowl as you float them into it, placing them gently inside, and you hear a small vibration as the sit side by side in the bowl.

               Rey pulls a third table from the wall and places it perpendicular to the other two, forming a _U_ shape, as she places a box filled with tools on it. “This will be our workbench,” she explains. “I’ve found that the easiest way to keep track of all the parts and make sure you didn’t miss anything is to lay out the circuit diagram and just place each part where it belongs on it.” She pulls a folded sheet of flimsiplast off of the first table and it fills the workbench as she unfolds it and lays it out. On it is a complex set of lines, circles, squiggles, and other symbols, all connected together by some logic that you didn’t understand. Next to each component were labels like _energy gate, boosting coils,_ and _inductive latch_ , although none of them give you any insight into just what it was that you were looking at, although you knew it had to be the circuit diagram for what would be your lightsaber. At the very least, you could tell that it would have two blades, since the drawing seemed symmetrical, the symbols on one side of the center fold mirrored on the other.

               “Okay, I know this looks intimidating, but I’ll walk you through each part and you’ll understand by the end, okay?” Rey asks, and you nod your head. She points to a group of identical symbols clustered at the center of the drawing, where there are groups of parallel lines of varying lengths labelled _Main power storage._ “This is where everything starts. While Kyber crystals draw some power from you through the Force itself, it’s not enough to form a stable lightsaber blade, so we have to use power cells to boost and focus the emitter matrix. Go ahead and place them,” she says, gesturing to a stack of copper-colored rings on the first table. You place them at the center of the diagram on their corresponding symbols.

               “Next, we have the power conservation circuit,” she says, as she traces a path from the power cells through some loops, parallel lines, and a couple of other symbols you didn’t quite know how to describe, until she trails back to the power cells. “This cycles unused power back to the cells and allows you to keep your lightsaber on almost indefinitely without draining the power cells, unless you’re fighting against another lightsaber or trying to cut through any material capable of conducting energy,” she says as she nods to the pipe on the table to your left.

               “We’ll need to build a circuit for each side, so if you haven’t noticed already, I’ve split the components for duplicate circuits between the two tables,” Rey explains. “The conversation components are on the corners closest to you since we have to attach those to the power cells directly before inserting the whole assembly into the pipe.” She nods towards the clusters of components at the corners and you see that they’re pairs of thick silver rings, joined by wires looped into tight coils, studded with a few small gold beads. You hold one piece up and try to compare it to the drawing. If the looping squiggle on the drawing represented the coiled wire, then the few gold beads in the wire must correspond to the pairs of parallel lines drawn across the wire at various points, and the two rings were the other symbols you couldn’t identity. Satisfied you were starting to figure this out, you place the two assemblies in the middle of the circuit loops that represented them and look up at Rey to see she looks pleased.

               “See?” she asks happily. “I told you it would all make sense once you could see what the drawing represents.”

               “Starting to get it,” you mutter under your breath. “Though can I ask, why is everything shaped like a ring? There isn’t one part here that isn’t either a really thin wire or a ring.”

               “That’s because we’ll need a hole through the middle for the Force toggle connecting the two crystals,” Rey explains. “Before we close up the lightsaber, you’ll install the mechanism yourself through the hole in the center of the staff.” She traces a line across the drawing with wavy lines where it looked like it hopped over every other line crossed, connecting the two symbols at the far edges that you assumed represented the two halves of the crystal.

               “Next, there’s the field stabilizing circuit,” she continues. “This keeps the current through the blade emitter stable even when you’re cutting through something, contacting another lightsaber blade, or deflecting a blaster bolt.” Rey smirks as she sees your expression. “Yes, that’s something you can do with a lightsaber if you’re focused enough to sense the bolt before it’s fired. The circuitry for the stabilizers is at the center of each table, but we’ll have to bend those into shape around the crystals once we’re ready for them.” You place the pairs of long, wispy silvery wires and golden rings she indicated onto their respective loops, the ends of the wires stretching off the edges of the table.

               “Finally, there’s the actual blade circuits,” she says, tracing the outermost loops in the diagram, the ones that pass through the crystals. “These send power to the crystals and the emitter matrices. Each emitter matrix is highly polarized, so it’s vitally important that they be connected correctly, otherwise the lightsaber could explode the first time you try to activate it since the power cells store an incredible amount of energy. I’ve marked the power leads red and white to match the red and white terminals of the power cells so they can’t be mixed up. The internal circuits are on the far ends of the tables, and the emitters are on the edges. We’ll get to the Force toggle when it’s time.”

               You place all the components, more circuitry, and two large heavy disks on the diagram in their appropriate spots and take a step back. Sitting on the table before you are all of the components for your lightsaber, minus the outer staff and the crystals. You bite your lip as a spark of exhilaration races through you, and you can’t remember the last time you were this excited about anything.

               “Exciting, isn’t it?” Rey asks, and you just nod your head. “I felt the same way when Luke walked me through creating mine. Are you ready to start?”

               “Born ready,” you say eagerly, turning to face her.

               “All right, then let’s start with the power cells,” she says as she points to them. “Slot them together in two stacks of four cells each.” She pulls a dull-looking wire and what looks like a welding contact from the toolbox. Looking at the power cells, you realize they have shaped ridges that allow them to be put together in only one way, red face to white face, with small grooves that lined up to make two long grooves once they were put together. You hold one stack tightly together in your hands and hold it out to Rey, who seals the cells together by welding along the two grooves in the sides, leaving a silver line where the grooves had been. You held out the other stack in a similar manner as she welds that one together as well.

               “Next we join the conservation assemblies to the power cells,” she tells you. “They also double as your charging contacts, so make sure you attach them so that the thicker ring connects to the white contact.”

               You slip a power cell stack through the loops of wire, making sure that the white contact faced toward the thicker ring as Rey said, then instinctively pressed the rings into the contacts of the power cells. You were only mildly surprised to find that they snapped together with a satisfying click. You look up at Rey, who just nods back in approval. You proceed to do the same with the other power cells and conservation assembly, setting them back down on the table when you’re done. You look up in time to see Rey retrieving the bowl containing the two halves of your crystal.

               “Next, you’ll have to wind the stabilizer field wires around the crystals,” she explains. “The stabilizer fields have to be connected to both power sources for maximum stability, so you’ll need to wind the first one in a way that leaves room for the second winding and the emitter winding. I have the tools for it here if you want them, but it’s much more precise to do it with the Force, and I figure that’s the way you’d want to do it.” You smirk and nod your head. She really did know you. “Okay, so take a wire and a crystal. Place the wire on one side of the pointed end so that the center of the wire rests on a crystal edge. The center is marked with a black line.”

               You call the crystal and wire to you using the Force and align them in front of you just like Rey said, the black center line resting on the edge of the crystal. “Now twist both ends down and around the crystal, and make sure to leave room for the second wire and the emitter winding.”

               “I am apparently much smarter than I look,” you murmur to yourself as you realize that you were really constructing your own lightsaber. You remembered when Kylo had proudly told you all about how he had made his, but that hadn’t seemed like a big deal to you at the time. If he had showed it to you now, you would have had a lot more questions for him and a lot more of an appreciation for how he built it.

               You close your eyes and take a deep breath out, visualizing the crystal and the wire before you. You will the wire to bend down smoothly on both sides, tightly hugging the crystal faces as you turned the wire down both sides of the crystal, finally reaching the bottom and letting the long ends of the wire hang free. You call the second wire to you and align it one third of the way around the crystal, setting the center against a crystal edge. You wind the ends down and around the crystal, closely following the first line, making sure to leave a gap between them the whole way down, letting the ends hang free once you’ve reached the bottom. You open your eyes and see that the wires have wrapped just as you visualized them, thin silvery lines twisting around the crystal.

               “Good job,” Rey tells you. “Now let’s wind the emitter power coil and attach the energy gate, then we can do the same for the other crystal.”

               Rey floats the emitter circuit to you and aligns the small disk in the middle of it to the bottom of the crystal. She nods towards you to signal that you had to do the rest yourself, and you wind the gold wire up and around the crystal through the wide stripe you had left, holding what was left of the wires upright in the air. Rey picks up one of the emitter disks and separates a gold disk from the bottom and holds it out to you. You float it to you, and see that it’s actually two thin disks separated by two small pegs, one of which protrudes through one of the disks.

               “Is this the energy gate you mentioned?”    

               “Yes, bring the hole down over the tip of the crystal with the peg on top and press it down as far as it will go,” Rey explains. “Once you’ve got it, wrap the red-tipped wire around the peg. I’ll do the final weld to join the lower gate.”

               As you press down the disk and wrap the wire around the peg, Rey walks over with the welder, fusing the other wire to the lower gate on the side opposite the peg and locking the crystal into the energy gate. Rey calls over the two gold rings that were grouped with the stabilizer wires and pulls a strip of measuring tape from her pocket, draping it down from the energy gate.  She cuts one end of each wire some distance down and welds on the gold rings. “Set the whole assembly back on the workbench and we’ll do the other one.”

               You float the assembly back to the workbench and set it down gently. Once the assembly was settled, you retrieved the other half of the crystal and repeated the entire process of wrapping the wires and setting the energy gate circuit, with Rey doing the final welds. Once it was done, you set it down on the workbench as well and braced yourself against one of the side tables, exhausted by the sheer amount of Force that you were using to manipulate the objects in front of you.

               “Don’t worry, we’re almost done,” Rey tells you. “All that’s left to do is attach the power cells and set the emitter matrices, then create the Force toggle. We can attach the power cells by hand, so you can save what’s left of your concentration for just setting everything inside the staff and creating the Force toggle. Just follow my lead.”

               You follow her back to the workbench, where Rey picks up the gold rings on one of the assemblies and grabs a power cell. You do the same and mirror her actions, attaching one gold ring to the thinner silver ring on the red face of the cell and letting the other hang free for now. Once you set the ring, Rey places a small wooden block on the bench and places her power cell on one side of it, and you place yours on the other side. Rey grabs the free-hanging ring on your side and slides it between the block and the power cell and motions for you to do the same. After you place your ring, Rey grabs the end of the red tipped free-hanging wire on her side and stretches it over to your power cell, cutting it just beyond the gold ring and then welding it onto the ring. She did the same for the remaining three wires, attaching the appropriately colored tip to its corresponding ring on the other side. She pulled out two more wires and welded them to the rings on the red faces and the lower disks of the energy gate to complete the power circuit, removing the block and stepping back when she’s finished.

               “Now we mount the whole thing inside the staff and attach the emitter matrices,” she continues. “This will require both of our concentration, so do you want to hold the staff or mount the assembly?”

               You were tired, but then again, this was _your_ lightsaber, and you wanted to do the hard part yourself. There was no way you could brag about making your own lightsaber if you had Rey do all of the hard parts for you. “I’ll mount the thing.”

               “Okay,” Rey says. “When you get it all the way in, I’ll pulse the power cells to snap the wires into place so it holds its shape.” Rey calls forth the staff shell and positions it vertically in front of her. You call the assembly off of the table and lift it, slowly turning every component in one cohesive unit, taking care not to twist or bend the stabilizer wires. You slowly lower it into the staff, stopping once you sensed that the assembly was properly centered. Rey reaches a small tool into the hole in the center of the staff and you heard two small electrical whines as you _felt_ the wires straightening and stiffening to support the crystals. Once she was done, you floated the staff to the workbench with you and set it down. Picking up an emitter matrix, you noticed that the matrix was also rimmed with Mandalorian iron and realized that this probably took a long time for Rey to set up for you. After inspecting the bottom surface, you noticed a peg and a small hole that seemed to match up with the energy gate, as well as a large hollow in the center to accommodate the tip of the Kyber crystal. The small hole had a white ring around it while the peg had a red ring around it, corresponding to the power terminals. You double check that the white tipped wire is attached to the gate’s peg before snapping the matrix onto the energy gate, matching the pegs to their respective holes, white to white  and red to red. You do the same for the other end, and the staff sits before you on the bench, almost ready.

               “Okay,” you breathe out as you relax your shoulders. “I think I’m ready for the Force toggle.”

               “We’ll have to go back to the Green Room for that part,” Rey explains. “Now that everything is safely inside the casing, the humidity won’t be a problem. The weapons technician forbade me to install the toggle in here since the first pulse from the nova relays could set off one of the torpedoes,” she says as she motions to the racks lining the walls. You gulp and nod your head as you grab your staff and follow her to the door, nodding to the two guards outside the door as you leave.

               Once you arrive at the Green Room, Rey goes to a small bag she had placed off to one side and pulls out two narrow green crystals with long wires attached to each tip.

               “These are nova crystals,” she explains. “They’re predominantly used as weapon fuses throughout the galaxy due to their ability to emit a high-energy pulse when they’re connected as nova relays, although some systems opt to use them as a form of currency. This is a grade of crystal unsuitable for either purpose, but perfect for your lightsaber’s Force trigger. Even though these crystals aren’t sensitive to the Force the same way Kyber crystals are, you can subtly change their properties by using the Force, so they can function as a lightsaber toggle and as blade controllers once you become more familiar with the crystals and how they behave connected to the Kyber crystals. Thread them through the center hole and then knot one wire around each of the disks under the crystals. Once they’re attached, they form a unique Force-sensitive version of a nova relay that only exists because the two halves of the crystal are still joined through the Force. All you have to do to activate the lightsaber is to will it to come on through your Kyber crystal, and the resulting changes in the nova crystals will complete the circuit and allow the power to flow. Once power is flowing through the crystals, it will continue to flow until you will it off or lose control of it. At first, you should only be able to control the blade strength, but in time you may learn to vary the blade length, which would be helpful if you were fighting against another lightsaber. That’s something you’ll have to learn on your own, though, as you become more familiar with it. Are you ready to install it?”

               You nod and she hands you the crystals. You levitate the staff in front of you and slowly thread the wires in through the center hole, visualizing the ends of the wires passing through the narrow holes in the power assemblies and wrapping around the disk under each crystal half before doubling back on themselves in a secure knot, ensuring each line was stretched tight between the two disks. As you finish this, Rey hands you what looks like a small standard power socket with four wires coming out of one end, two red, two white.

               “You’ll need this in order to charge your lightsaber later, but the cells have enough power to do an initial activation,” she explains. “It’s pretty simple, just red to red and white to white. Just wrap the ends around the hooks where I welded the terminals.”

               You snap the socket into the center hole and guide the wires to the terminals with what concentration you had left, wrapping the ends around the terminal hooks like Rey said, and just like that, it was done. You had finally built your very own lightsaber.

               “Are you ready?” Rey asks, and you gulp nervous as you feel the cool metal beneath your hands. This was your new staff. You had made this with your own two hands, and it would be fueled purely by your strength and trust in the Force alone. If there was any tangible proof of how far you had come in your Force training, this was it.

               You close your eyes and hold the staff out in front of you, your left palm facing down, and your right palm facing up. You try to will the blade, pushing first with your hands and then with your mind, but nothing happens. You open your eyes and try to push, trying to summon the blade with all your might, but it doesn’t flow. You look up at Rey nervously, who merely bites her lip as she looks back at you.

               “I’m sorry,” she says after a moment, looking visibly ashamed. “I thought you were ready, I shouldn’t have-“

               “No,” you say quickly, shaking your head. “No, I’m ready. I can do this, just give me a second.” You start to feel frustrated, and angry, and for the first time in a while you don’t shy away from it. You had tried summoning your lightsaber with pure strength from the Light side of the Force alone, but maybe you really were Dark after all. You pushed it, willed it, twisting your insides into knots as you mentally exerted yourself trying to make it work, but nothing happened. It didn’t budge.

               _Light and dark_ , you tell yourself. You’re not pure enough to walk solely along with the Light side of the Force, but you’re not venal enough to surrender solely to the Dark side either. _My power of the Force comes from Kylo’s teachings. It comes from Rey’s. My Force is neither Light, nor Dark alone. It’s both, just like my crystal, I need to draw my power from both._ You can feel a hum, and for a moment you don’t even realize it’s from your hands as you open your eyes. The staff seems to still for a moment. You can feel the slight vibration under your hands, you can hear the hum in your ears, but you can’t see a blade.

               “Maybe I assembled it wrong?” you say nervously, and you almost drop the lightsaber as a jet of light shoots out from either side of the staff. You screw your eyes shut tightly, afraid to see what color it was. Was it red? Was it blue? You hear Rey murmur in surprise, and your eyes fly open, only to be met with a rich amber hue.

               “Is it supposed to look like that?” you ask breathlessly as you stare down at your lightsaber. It’s glowing in front of you with a steady, resilient hum that sounds almost defiant to your ears. The light is distinctly amber, a pure mix between gold and orange. “Shouldn’t it be blue? Or red? Why is it this color?”

               “Luke told me something like this might happen,” Rey says, tilting her head to the side. “It is extremely rare though. We still don’t know why exactly Kyber crystals manifest colors the way they do, but certain colors are well-understood to have specific associations. The three colors that Luke knows well are blue, green, and red, although his master told him that Jedi of certain specialties used to wield lightsabers of different colors depending on their role in the Order. A Kyber crystal is uncolored before it is activated, but once it is, it’s forever impressed with the nature of its wielder at the time of the lightsaber’s creation.”

               “Most Jedi’s lightsabers were blue, as they were created during the innocence of childhood and the crystal grew with them, moving to larger hilts through the years, only ever changing color if they lost their original lightsaber and had to make a new one and had a different view of the Force. Usually, blue was the default color of Jedi determined to stay on the light side, while green was a sign of those who were more willing to explore the boundaries.”

               “And red?” you ask hesitantly, although you’re pretty sure you know the answer to this one already.

               “Red is either a sign of an artificial crystal or one marred by the violence of the dark side,” Rey says firmly. “Amber, though, if I remember correctly, was the mark of a truly Gray Jedi, who usually had a diminished place in the Order because they chose to embrace elements of the dark side in the name of balance, although I think a couple occasionally ascended to the Council. It doesn’t really matter anymore, since the old Jedi Council is no longer around, but it’s still incredible that the blades manifested amber. It means you stand directly in the middle between the two sides; you are perfectly balanced between both the light side and the dark.” She tears away from the blade’s rich hue to meet your eyes. “It’s quite rare.”

               “Oh,” you say quietly. All this time you had been willing yourself to believe that you could be either one or the other, but was this the proof you needed to accept that you were split evenly between them?

               “Right now, your crystals are getting attuned to you,” Rey explains. “As you meditate on them and form a bond, they will become more and more powerful as they draw more and more strength from you. Eventually, you won’t even have to consciously will your lightsaber to do anything; it’ll simply react precisely as you need it to in the moment.”

               “Uh-huh,” you reply, too engrossed in your lightsaber to focus on what she is saying.

               “We have company,” Rey says suddenly, but you’re too busy turning your staff over and over in your hands to notice, doing it slowly so as not to accidentally drop it and burn off a limb. She just laughs and lets you get used to handling it as she walks over and opens the door.

               “Woah.” You can recognize Poe’s voice from the doorway, and you crack a grin but don’t look over at them as you turn it over and over in your hands, faster and faster.

               “Holy _shit,_ ” Finn exclaims, and you laugh audibly at that. “Why is it _yellow_?”

               “It’s amber,” you call out, slowly bringing the staff to a stop. You hold it up horizontally in front of you, holding it firmly in your right fist, letting the blade stream out from both ends.  

               “I _told_ you she could do it,” Rey says, clapping her hands together excitedly as she watches you.

               “We never doubted her for a second, did we, Finn?” Poe asks, hitting Finn gently in the shoulder.

               “Not for a second,” Finn replies, and you grin as you close your eyes and imagine the blades contracting. There’s a slight _whoosh_ and the bright amber glow suddenly fades from the room. You smile to yourself and take your regular staff out of your pouch, slipping your lightsaber into it instead.

               “I’m going to have to give you one of my belts,” Rey says, gesturing to where she had attached her own lightsaber, and you nod your head excitedly. True, this pouch had been a present from Kylo, but it had gotten to be a bit much carrying it around everywhere you went. And yes, maybe his influence had helped get you here, much as Rey’s had, but this was your power now. It was _your_ power that was fueling the lightsaber that was in front of you, but as you looked at the three smiling faces in front of you, you knew that you couldn’t have done it alone.

               “Thank you,” you say firmly. “All of you.” You sigh and spread your arms. “Okay, you can come hug me now.” Finn immediately rushes forward in a big bear hug, and you wrap your arms around him as he sways you back and forth as he hugs you. Rey is immediately right behind him, pulling you into a firm embrace.

               “I knew you could do it,” she whispers in your ear.

               “Only because I have such a great teacher,” you whisper back, and she holds you at arm’s length for a moment as she releases you. You all turn to Poe, who just holds up his hands.

               “I don’t know,” he says teasingly. “You’re still holding that staff.” You stick your tongue out at him as you pass it off to Rey, and he comes at you in a rush, bending his knees as he swoops down and picks you up, lifting you off the ground. You shut your eyes and squeal in a mixture of delight and surprise as he spins you around, your hands resting on his shoulders.

               “Let me down,” you squeal after a few moments, your brain starting to get dizzy, and he sets you back down on your feet, holding your shoulders steady to make sure you don’t fall. You can hear laughter all around you, and your nose wrinkles up as you laugh, biting your lip as you look up at him.

               “You good?” he asks, and you push his arm away playfully as you step to the side.

               “I’m good,” you reply, grinning up at him. You let out a deep breath, and you can honestly say that your cheeks are starting to hurt from all this smiling. You can’t remember the last time you felt this good in, well, ever. “So food? Food? Who’s hungry?”

               “That would be me,” Finn says as he heads to the door.

               “And me,” Rey says, immediately trailing after him.

               You look to Poe, who gestures for you to go ahead, and you end up walking side by side with him in the halls as Finn and Rey joke and laugh ahead of you. “Thank you,” you say as you look up at him.

               He raises his eyebrows and looks surprised. “For what?”

               “For what?” you echo mockingly. “For everything. Seriously. Not just for the flying lessons, but you were the one who brought me and Ani here to begin with, and I can’t thank you enough for that.”

               He shakes his head. “I was just following orders.”

                “Orders or not, you were still the one who had to convince me to come,” you insist. “So just let me thank you so we can get this moment over with.”

               “Oh,” Poe says, grinning slightly. “Are we having a moment?”

               “Nope,” you reply curtly. “You just ruined it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, if you're looking for it, the visual aids to go along with this chapter can be accessed by clicking [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/140865552077/how-to-design-your-own-lightsaber-staff).
> 
> And it's happened!! It's finally happened!! You guys have been yelling GRAY JEDI in my ask box for months, and I have finally answered your cry!! Honestly the biggest thank you has to go to anon ask that I received and can't find now: someone left me an ask a little over a month ago about how they would like to see an amber lightsaber and I'm like, "Dayum that's a cool color" but didn't think much more of it until one of my friends was like, "You know, amber actually would work because yellow falls between blue and red on the color spectrum so-" So big thank you anon, please feel free to leave me your name so I can give you proper credit for that!! And HUGE thanks to J.A.M. obviously for helping me to construct the visual aids and talk me through this. I really want to actually make this lightsaber for real, so that will hopefully be a project I can talk him into doing this summer. The words 'dangerous' and 'explosive' mean nothing to me...although if I do explode, hopefully someone can take my charred remains and stick it in a Darth Vader suit so I can keep on writing. =D 
> 
> Also, not to spoil you too much, but we've got a fluffy Kylo x Reader/Phasma/Hux one-shot coming at the end of tomorrow's chapter due to a kind anon and I got another request for a Kylo POV to yesterday's story, so that I will work on sometime this weekend. In the meantime, chapters 28/29 of A Flare in the Dark were my favorite chapters...until I wrote tomorrow's chapter. Tomorrow's chapter is my favorite, of everything I've written so far. I was so excited talking about it with my friends that I literally punched myself in the face when I was signing because the whole chapter just makes me so damn happy. Today's chapter was cool (but honestly a bit stressful to write! xD) and this next chapter was a lot more fun for me (and no! It's not lightsaber combat training...yet!! xD) MAN I'M SO HAPPY JUST THINKING ABOUT IT. ARGH. GRRRR. Okay, until tomorrow, cheers!!


	16. Chapter 16

               Things had been going well for you lately, so by the law of averages, it only made good sense that things were about to go terribly wrong. You had finally made peace with yourself in terms of Kylo Ren, you were finally becoming a good shot with a blaster, you were becoming a good pilot, and Rey had obviously been impressed with your Force skills enough to let you construct and create your very own lightsaber, which had its own distinctive amber hue to reflect both the darkness and the light within you. That last one was an achievement in and of itself, and you couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride swell in your chest every time you noticed it at your side. Ani hadn’t had a tantrum in weeks, and even Ladson had come to terms with the fact that the Resistance wasn’t a terrible place to be after all. You figured this had less to do with the Resistance and more to do with his developing friendship with Finn, as most days you walked in on them laughing together at the dinner table over some small joke that you weren’t in on, but you were glad to see Ladson finally making friends, regardless.  

               That was why, of course, something had to go terribly, horribly wrong. You hadn’t realized anything was wrong at first, and that was part of the reason you were kicking yourself so hard; you simply hadn’t expected anything to happen, and it was just a minor thing, just a little slip, and you couldn’t believe that you hadn’t come to terms with it before. You practically lived inside your own head, constantly over-processing every little thought and detail that crossed your path, and yet this little thing that had been steadily developing had somehow escaped your thoughts and eluded your conscious recognition. You weren’t even aware of it until you were walking into the hangar with Poe that morning. You had been walking beside him, amiably making small talk, when the back of your hand accidently brushed against his. He didn’t even seem to notice, but you had immediately jerked your hand away, almost striking yourself in the face as you used that hand to smooth back your hair in a seemingly inconspicuous gesture.

               Even though that should have been the end of it, you couldn’t help but feel a slight tingling sensation along the back of your hand where he had touched you, and the more you tried _not_ to think about it, the more you realized how many times you had accidently brushed digits with Rey or Finn or even Ladson without overthinking it. In fact, the more you thought about it, the more you struggled to come to terms with the fact that there was a definite heat in your cheeks that you wouldn’t be able to explain if he asked and your palms were suddenly sweaty and you were hyper aware of the way your heart was thumping in your chest.

               In fact, by the time you plopped into your familiar seat beside him in the cockpit, everything had changed from the moment you had first stepped outside your door that morning, and the worst part was that you couldn’t even really have explained how. You had greeted him that morning with snark and sarcasm like you had every other morning, he had touched the back of your hand with his, on accident, and then suddenly the way he said your name made the hair on the back of your neck stand on end and you felt a weird churning sensation in your stomach as you turned to look at him, as if you were guilty of some crime you didn’t know you had committed.

               You turned to the console in front of you, with a new mantra playing in your head. The first time you had sat in the cockpit, you had been saying something along the lines of _Don’t crash, don’t crash, don’t crash._ Now it was something even more worrisome: _You don’t have a crush on Poe Dameron. You don’t have a crush on Poe Dameron. You don’t-_

               -shit.

               It was ridiculous to even think about, really, because you had always felt that you belonged to Kylo Ren. You had resolved to stay loyal and faithful to him, even though you had never spoken about it, just because you knew that you were his and he was yours and it wasn’t even something that you had to even bother having a discussion about. But now so much had changed. Could you really be with him anymore after all he had done? That was a conversation you had already had with yourself, and you had already decided that you weren’t dwelling on it anymore. He hadn’t seen you in years, and for all intents and purposes, you were not together now. You should be able to feel free to at least _look_ at other guys…

               …but you couldn’t. Whether you liked it or not, a small part of yourself truly wanted to remain faithful to Kylo, and you couldn’t fight against it. There was also Ani to think about. What guy would want to get involved with the person who was the willing parent of Kylo Ren’s offspring? That itself screamed issues. And then there was also the matter of your friendship. What if you made a move and he rejected you, and then felt so uncomfortable around you that he didn’t want to teach you anymore? What if he stopped coming around at dinner time to avoid you, and then Finn and Rey started keeping away from you as well? You knew it was ridiculously dramatic to think about, but you hadn’t actually _been_ with anyone besides Kylo Ren for almost eight years now, and even before that, you had only been involved in a series of flings and affairs that hadn’t been all that serious. 

               No, you wouldn’t even know how to properly date someone if you tried, especially not in the middle of active war time, in the middle of a military installation. There was a time, and a place, and this was neither, although you still had to remind yourself to be kind to yourself. It was not _that_ odd for you to be attracted to Poe. He was good-looking, for starters, and he also had this confident, cocky swagger about him that immediately put you at ease whenever you were with him. He had many attractive qualities, and so there was nothing inherently _wrong_ with being attracted to him, especially when no one had intimately touched you in years. It was totally normal for you to crave human connection, but you couldn’t allow yourself to do anything about it now.

               So when Poe turned to you and asked if you were good for take-off, you told him you were golden.

               Pressing the comlink button, you go through the now-familiar departure procedure. “Control, this is Moonstaff, requesting launch clearance for _Aspiration_ along Approach Bravo for tactical maneuvers in accordance with flight plan.”

               “Moonstaff, Control, I copy. Your flight plan has been approved with modifications. _Liberty_ on station and Captain Antilles has been notified of your maneuvers.”

               _Modifications?_ You think to yourself. You and Poe had made a very simple flight plan yesterday. How could it have been modified?

               “Control, hold. Captain Antilles? Modifications?”

               “Yes, Captain Antilles. Commander Dameron will explain during your ascent. You’re cleared for taxi, Moonstaff.”

               You turn to Poe who just throws back his head and laughs while you glare at him incredulously, biting your lip as you shake your head from side to side as you finish the launch preparations, releasing the inertial lock and slowly guiding the corvette to the center of the hangar. You hovered over the thruster controls, anxiously waiting for the blast deck to clear and the controller to give you the go ahead.

               “Moonstaff, you’re cleared for launch.”

               You ease the thrusters up, waiting until you had cleared the main hangar doors before engaging the engines to full power and setting the autopilot to fly you to your maneuvering area. Once the autopilot finished its brief setup and took over, you turned to Poe. “So, you going to explain what that was all about or you just want to make me look like an idiot some more?”

               Poe just winks at you good-naturedly. “First of all, you couldn’t make yourself look like an idiot even if you tried, and secondly-“ He turns to face you. “Yesterday, the Republic fleet sighted a First Order scout ship exit hyperspace near Naboo and then jump before they could detain it. As a precaution, fleet defenses have been ordered to battle stations around D’Qar, even though the threat is minimal. See?”

               He points out the cockpit windows at the two X-Wings that have taken up positions on either side of you, and you see both pilots briefly salute Poe before racing ahead of you and breaking away into a dramatic crossed loop passing in front of you.

               “Porter and Kad,” Poe laughs as he shakes his head. “Always showing off when they can. Anyway, Captain Antilles commands the _Liberty_ and he’s agreed to let us run our training exercises near his ship on the condition that I help him with a little training of his own. Today, you’re still going to learn about evasive actions, should you ever be attacked by pirates or other malcontents in the depths of space, but who better to practice with than the galaxy’s best Starfighter pilots?”

               As if on cue, the comlink activated and you noted it was not the standard voice broadcast channel you were used to, but a military holographic frequency. You pressed the comlink button to open the connection, and to the side of the cockpit the small glowing holographic figure of an older man in the officer uniform of the Republic Navy appeared and waved to you. He says your name inquisitively, and you nod your head in affirmation, assuming that this must be Captain Antilles.

               “I’m Captain Antilles, but you can just call me Wedge. I’m the captain of the _Liberty_ , that Calamari cruiser up ahead.”

               Looking out the windows, you spot it among a dozen other large ships near the edge of the asteroid ring. You had seen ships of all kinds of design during your days on the trading vessel, but never one quite like this, dominated by curves instead of the edges and corners so common to military battleships.

               “Poe?” he asks. “You fill her in on the plan yet?”

               “Just getting to that part,” Poe replies smoothly.

               “Fair enough,” Wedge replies as he turns back to you. “Normally for something like this I would arrange a full briefing the night before, but I don’t know how long we’ll be here, so we arranged this somewhat last minute this morning. I have some new pilots in our fighter squadron who could use some training in intercepting a ship piloted by someone unpredictable, not trained by the Republic. Poe proposed intersecting our training objectives, teaching you evasion action against fighter crews while Black Squadron led my pilots in interception exercises. Once you make the rendezvous distance, Poe will take over from there.” He turns back to Poe. “And if I don’t get the chance, give my regards to Leia for me.”

               “Will do,” Poe says as the hologram fades, and you turn to face him.

               “Did he just call you Poe?” you ask him, and Poe chuckles as he shakes his head.

               “Nice to see you’re paying attention,” Poe says, and you stick your tongue out at him.

               “Hey,” you say as you shake your head. “I know the Resistance is different, but since he’s Republic don’t you guys call each other Captain and Commander and the like?”

               “Normally, yes,” Poe explains. “But Wedge was one of my mentors, and the other reason I became a fighter pilot. He was one of the Alliance’s best pilots, and he was instrumental in the destruction of the Empire’s second Death Star. He knew a lot about every class of ship, so when the Republic fleet was crippled at Hosnian, Wedge came out of retirement and volunteered to serve as provisional captain on an old Alliance ship while the Republic rebuilt. We look out for each other, so when he contacted me a couple of hours ago about the pilots, I made a last minute change to the lesson plan. Speaking of-“

               He pulls out a small wrist comlink and straps it on, doing a communications check.

               “Black Squadron, this is Black Leader, do you read me?”

               “Black Two here, we read you loud and clear, Black Leader. Ready to break in the new guys whenever you are.”

               “All right, wait for my signal, still finishing the ready briefing here.”

               “Roger, Black Leader, over and out.”

               Poe turns back to you. “Since we’re going to the fleet instead of our original maneuvering point, you can cancel the autopilot and head over to the Liberty. Once you get within a few kilometers, we can begin the fun. Since the guys obviously can’t _actually_ shoot at us, this will be simulated, but you’ll know when their targeting computer has locked on. When they do, the screens will flash red and the virtual shield integrity will start to go down. Your entire goal is to shake the fighters tailing you and keep shields from failing. Their job is to wear down the shields until they can fire an ion shot to stop the ship. If you lose them, we win the round, if they kill the shields they win the round. Best of five rounds wins the exercise.”

               As you near _Liberty_ , you bring the corvette up short, awed by how it seems to dwarf your ship. “Porter bragged that he’d net the first round easy since the corvette is so slow compared to an X-Wing, but we have a trick up our sleeves.” Poe grins and points to a lever under your seat he previously mentioned was only useful in rare emergencies. “That’s emergency power. It consumes fuel at a much faster rate and cokes the thrusters, but it means we can fly almost like a starfighter for an hour or two before we have to head back down and clean the engines. If you were flying a ship like this, it would let you outrun just about anything waiting out there for you. Pull it out and let’s get started. The guys are never going to expect this.”

               “I like the way you think,” you say, leaning over to give him a high-five. He intertwines his fingers around yours and gives your hand a quick squeeze as you bite your lip, unable to suppress your grin. “Strap in,” you warn. “I’ve got a few ideas already.”

               He picks up his wrist comlink again. “Nova Detail, Black Squadron, this is Black Leader. Begin your attack on my mark.” He looks at you quickly as he leans in and drops his voice down to a whisper. “Take off and dive behind the _Liberty_ before I get to zero. The _Liberty_ has ion-blocking shields so we’ll briefly be invisible to get the upper hand.” You press your teeth against your knuckle to suppress your laughter, and you could feel a blush rising to your cheeks as you nod your head. He was such a little shit, and to be honest, you kind of loved it.

               He turns back to the comlink. “Porter, you’re Nova Leader for this round, as promised. When she wins this round, don’t forget, we had a bet, and I’ll expect payment in full by tomorrow night. Nova Two and Three, are you ready?”

               “Nova Two standing by.”

               “Nova Three standing by.”

               “All right, begin exercise in _three…two…one…_ ”

               You push the engines suddenly to full power, pulling the ship up in a twisting loop up and over the top of the _Liberty_ before flipping the ship and pulling it around behind it, nothing that the ship was at least four times faster than usual. As you came around the underside of the cruiser, your screens suddenly lit up with weapons targeting alarms as Porter and the two new pilots attempt to predict your movements and line up for shots. Inspired, you continue circling around the _Liberty_ for another pass, pulling up on the other side to make a quick dash to the rear of the ship, counting on the exhaust of the huge engines there to cloak your next move. Instead of just losing Porter and the other two, you were going to turn the tables.

               For a minute you forgot that this whole thing was a simulation. The adrenaline was making your fingertips itch, and you were so focused on getting this right, on completing this perfectly, desperate and anxious not to let Poe down. As you reach the engines, you think you can sense Porter on the other side of the ship, waiting to intercept you when you pass under the _Liberty._ As you cut across the engines, you see him diving to the cruiser’s underside in an attempt to intercept you and bank hard to catch up to him. As he pulls up to emptiness where he expected the _Aspiration_ to be, you see him briefly level off as if to search for you, and you slip in behind him. If you had weapons, it would have been a perfect shot.

               Poe cheers and whoops as he raises his wrist to speak into the comlink. “Pew, pew, and against all odds, Moonstaff scores a kill. Told you it’d happen, Porter. I’ll expect payment in full by tomorrow night.”

               You hear Porter grumble something back about beginner’s luck and Rey’s trickery. “What can I say, it was a clean kill, and it was all her.” You blush as you look away. “Take note, Nova Two and Three, the high ion content of engine wakes makes them a very effective method of briefly hiding from tracking scopes. Kad, get ready for round two.”

               As he lowers his watch, you turn back to him, a bit incredulous. “You really bet on me?”

               “Course I did,” Poe says, as if he’s surprised. “You know what you’re doing. I have total confidence in you, you know that.”

               Over the next three rounds, you managed to lose all three fighters long enough for a hyperspace jump only once, tying the exercise at 2-2. On the fifth round, just as you were about to reach the fifteen second mark necessary for a jump, Nova Two managed to get one last shot in, reducing your shield to zero and taking the round.

               “…and secure exercise,” Poe says, never once letting his signature grin slip from his face. “Nice job, Nova Two, looks like the next drink is on me. And Porter, I still expect you to make good on that bet. In the meantime, we have to head back and clean up these engines for the next time. Black Leader, over and out.” You shake your head in disbelief. He was so incredibly buoyant, even in defeat, and you didn’t know how he managed it.

               He nods back to the planet below, and you turn the corvette towards D’Qar. “With flying like that, I think I’d be afraid to be a pirate attacking you in the depths of space,” Poe says teasingly, and you roll your eyes.

               “Please, like I’d have stood have a chance if there was anyone else teaching me,” you say as you shrug your shoulders.

               “No, no,” Poe says as he shakes his head. “I’m not taking credit for this. That flying was all you.”

               You just grin good-naturedly as you get closer to D’Qar, and you can’t help but notice a glow around the western rim of the planet that you had never seen before, almost as if there were multicolored ripples covering the planet’s night side. “What’s that?” you ask as you tilt your head to the side.

               “The ripples?” Poe asks as he sits back in his chair. “Those are low-level auroras that form on the edge of the atmosphere due to the metallic cloud interacting with the sun’s radiation. As the charged particles from the star collide with the metal particles, something about the way they interact makes them suddenly glow with color, and the effect is even better whenever the sun gives off a coronal ejection. Come to think of it, Control did mention they were expecting one within the next few weeks. The aurora by itself isn’t all that impressive on its own though, not without what happens at sunset. During sunset, the metallic cloud has an amplifying effect on the particle radiation and the aurora reaches its brightest, cycling through all the colors of the spectrum. In addition, the metal acts as a weak reflector, filling the entire western sky with color and stretching it all the way to the other horizon, until the whole sky is filled with red and orange and purple, all while the overhead aurora is clearly visible through it all, horizon to horizon.”

               “Cool,” you murmur, only understanding about half of what he was saying.

“It’s amazing,” he tells you. “Watching the sky light up with color like that?” He arches an eyebrow at you. “Oh come on, you mean to tell me you’ve never seen a sunset before?”

               “Not on my home planet,” you explain with a small shrug. “I mean, sure, I’ve probably _seen_ one at some point, but it gets dark pretty quickly where I’m from and it certainly doesn’t sound as cool as what you’re describing.”

               Poe just shakes his head as if he’s disappointed by your lack of enthusiasm. “You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a sunset on D’Qar,” he says, undeterred. “If you want I’ll show it to you sometime.”

               “Sure,” you reply immediately. “Sounds like fun.” He glances at you for a moment before he turns back to his console, and that’s when you realize that you may have just gravely misinterpreted the question, as you replay the words back in your head. When he had first suggested the invite, you had at first thought it was a _group_ thing, like _we’ll all go_ see the sunset together sometime. But no, he said he wanted to show it to _you_ , specifically. Maybe he meant a general _you_? Why did Basic have to be so complicated?

               You don’t want to ask if it’s a group thing or not, not sure how to feel about the answer, and against your better judgement, you decide to swing the conversation in another direction. “Leia told me about the offensive strike that the Resistance is planning against the First Order.” He casts a weary look in your direction and says nothing. “I’m guessing that means aerial combat, right?”

               He turns his head to the side to regard you, not keeping anything from you, but not giving you much more than you really needed to know. “You’d be guessing right.”

               You just nod your head a few times and shrug, turning to look back through the glass in front of you. You could immediately tell from his tone that he wasn’t comfortable talking about military strategy with you, and you regretted bringing it up at all. You knew you shouldn’t have, but just one minute ago you were desperate to do anything to stop thinking about his invitation to see the sunset with you.

               “I was just asking because, well, as the Commander, you’ll be going with them, right?” you ask nervously. He raises his eyebrows in surprise, but nods his head in the affirmative. “I just was asking, because, if you are, I just wanted to tell you to, you know, stay safe.”

               “Stay safe?” A smile tugs at the corners of his lips, and you quickly blush as you look away again.

               “Be careful,” you say, emphasizing the last word. “If you go and get yourself shot down, then there won’t be anyone left to teach me how to be a pilot.”

               “Not going to happen,” Poe says confidently. “And in any case, I wouldn’t worry too much about that. You’ve been doing great over these past few weeks. Pretty soon you won’t even need me anymore.” Your mouth drops open, but you quickly bite your lip and avert your eyes in an attempt to recover yourself. “Don’t worry,” Poe says as he notices your expression. “I’m not going anywhere just yet.”

               “Good,” you reply curtly. “Because knowing me, I’d probably just drop out of the sky and crash the ship.”

               “Not a chance,” Poe says, drawing out the last syllable.

               “You have too much confidence in me,” you tell him, and idly you can’t help but wonder if that was the whole problem. Finn had confidence in your skills with a blaster, but then again, you had the Force, you were naturally inclined to be good with one. Rey had confidence in your skills in the Force, but you had been training for years before you had even met her. But you had never piloted a ship before, and the only instruction you had gotten was from Poe himself. If he was confident in you, it was because he was confident in _you_ and your natural abilities alone, no Force involved.

               You make idle small talk with Poe as you land and head back to your room together. You had just opened up the door when Ani came running out, brandishing your old staff in front of him. You had adjusted the height on it so now it was automatically set to Ani’s height whenever he pushed the little button. “You gave that to him?” Poe asks incredulously as Ani swings the staff around.

               “He’s got to learn some time,” you say simply as he smashes it into a wall. “Or he’ll break it, and then it won’t matter either way.”

               “Come on,” Poe picks up Ani and holds him up in front of him. “Hey little man, you like hitting things?”

               “Yes,” Ani says loudly, and you let out a good-natured snort as Poe turns to you.

               “Mind if I take him for a while?” Poe asks. “I think I got something fun to show him.” You hesitate for a moment as Ladson appears in the doorway.

               “Oh, is this that thing Finn was talking about yesterday?” Ladson asks, and Poe just nods his head. “Sure thing then, I’ll be here. Just bring him back when he gets to be too much to handle.”

               “Oh, I don’t think he’ll be a problem,” Poe says as he readjusts Ani in his arms. “Wave good-bye to Mommy, huh, Ani?”

               Ani just waves his little hand back and forth excitedly, and you can’t help but smile as you watch him carry Ani off. “He loves that little BB-8 droid now,” Ladson tells you as they disappear around a corner.

               “Huh?” You can tell he’s watching your expression closely, and you quickly shake your head as you disappear inside and shut the door behind you. “Oh, right. Poe’s little droid. I think it’s forgiven me for threatening to turn it into scrap.”

               “That’s good,” Ladson says. “And what about Poe? Has he forgiven you for knocking him out?”

               You laugh as you turn to face him, crinkling up your nose. “I mean, he’s forgiven me for that a while ago, if he was ever really mad about it to begin with.” You tilt your head to the side. “Why?”

               “Nothing,” Ladson says softly, holding up his hands innocently, and you march towards him, standing directly in front of him.

               “Tell me.”

               “No.”

               “Tell me.”

               “No.”

               You make a move to punch him but he grabs your wrist and holds it out at an uncomfortable angle. You quickly bring up your leg to sweep out from under his knee, and he stumbles backwards on the couch, releasing you instantly. “No sparring right now,” Ladson says, holding up his hands. “Please? I still haven’t recovered from the last trouncing you gave me.”

               “Well someone has to do it,” you say teasingly.

               “It’s okay if you like him,” Ladson says at length, and your face drops.

               “I don’t like him,” you say testily, crossing your arms over your chest like a petulant child.

               “It’s okay if you do,” Ladson repeats firmly. “I mean, he’s nice, he’s good-looking, he’s funny, he’s good with Ani-“

               “If he’s so amazing, why don’t you date him?” you snort.

               “Because I’m not _interested_ in him,” Ladson tells you, and your eyes widen as a grin splits across your face.

               “You’ve found somebody,” you say excitedly, clapping both of your hands together. “Tell me who it is.”

               “No.”

               “Tell me.”

               “No.”

               You tilt your head to the side and laugh. “Didn’t we _just_ have this conversation?”

               Ladson purses his lips. “Fine, I’ll tell you who it is, _if_ you at least make a move on Poe.”

               “Not a chance,” you laugh. “You know I belong to Kylo Ren.” The words are out of your mouth before you can stop them, and you quickly put both hands over your mouth to stop yourself from saying anything else. But it’s already too late, the damage has already been done. Luckily, Ladson is in too good of a mood right now to give you hell about it.

               He simply clasps both hands together and presses both index fingers together as he points them in your direction. “Brainwashed.”

               “I’m not brainwashed,” you insist, covering your ears with your hands.  

               “Brainwashed,” he repeats in a sing-song voice.        

               “Not brainwashed,” you say firmly as you lower your hands to your sides. “Seriously, not brainwashed. I have come to accept that Kylo and I really did have feelings for each other, even if he was ordered to be nice to me, somewhere along the line we did actually fall for each other and he really did send me away for my safety, but that’s who he was and that’s not who he is now and I don’t belong to anybody because I am my own person.”

               Ladson just looks amused as he runs the edge of his thumbnail across his lower lip. “And you came up with that just now, did you?”

               “That’s what I’m trying to tell myself,” you tell him. “Not just because it’s the healthiest thing for me to believe, but because it’s true. The more I think about it, the more I think he really did genuinely love me. I was in his head, and I felt his emotions. I don’t think those were fake, but…”

               “But?” Ladson asks, goading you on.

               “But I don’t think he feels that way anymore,” you admit. “And he’s not here. And while I still feel _connected_ to him, I have to realize the chances of me ever seeing him again are slim to none, and I’ve got to keep moving on with my life.”

               “By fucking that pilot,” Ladson says resolutely, and your face turns bright red. “No, I mean, it makes sense. Kylo Ren was sort of the unofficial Commander of the First Order, right? And I mean, Poe _is_ the Commander of the Starfighter Corps, so-“

               “Shut up,” you say hotly. “Don’t compare them, and besides, Captain Phasma was the Commander of the First Order.”

               “No, she was a Captain,” Ladson informs you, but you just shake your head. Captain, Commander, General: they were all just military titles that didn’t really mean anything to you. _You_ had never really wanted to be in this war in the first place. _You_ had never really wanted to get involved with this skirmish in any way, and yet, here you were. Again. If you got involved with a Commander of anything, then you could be sure your life would never be free of this military intervention.

               “It doesn’t matter,” you tell him. “We’re two different people. Poe’s life is here, with the Resistance, and I’ve never wanted anything to do with the military in any way.”

               “That’s exactly what you said about Kylo Ren,” Ladson points out. “But then you wanted to stay on the Starkiller Base with him regardless.”

               “But that was different,” you argue, because you’re starting to realize that it really wasn’t. “Damn you, you’re too smart for your own good.”

               “Not smart,” Ladson says, shaking his head. “I just know you, better than you know yourself, which actually makes sense, in a way, considering this way I can be more objective about you.” You hesitate for a moment and gesture for him to continue. You had thought that Rey would be able to give you more insight after seeing inside your head, but Ladson had at least experienced life on the Starkiller Base with you, and had lived with you for years.

               “You loved Kylo Ren,” Ladson tells you. “And you would have done anything for him, and so you’re hurt that he doesn’t feel the same way back.” You start to talk and he holds up a hand to stop you. “If the position was reversed, you would have come back and picked him up immediately, regardless of the risk, and you’re hurt that he didn’t do the same. You’re hurt that he’s running around the galaxy doing all of these things, living his own life, while you were stuck at home waiting for him, and I’m sure you’ve already imagined plenty of opportunities when he could have come back to you in between Rey’s visions, right?” You nod your head slowly.

               “Things on the Starkiller Base weren’t as bad for me as they could have been,” Ladson says softly. “I learned how to fight, and I learned how to be a pilot, and that was because Kylo Ren cared for you enough that he wanted someone you trusted to protect you. Remember the first night he came to our house? He told me I didn’t have to be a Storm Trooper and follow his orders anymore, because that was what _you_ had wanted, even though it didn’t serve him. If Kylo Ren cared about what you wanted more than what he wanted, it meant he genuinely cared about you.”

               “He saved Sadie,” you say quietly. “But then again, he’s killed so many more people since then. He’s hurt so many more people-“

               “But that has nothing to do with you,” Ladson says firmly. “Like you told me before, Rey wanted you to keep an open mind and not be influenced by her feelings, because she doesn’t want you to be afraid of him just because she is.”

               “Rey’s not _afraid_ of him,” you say immediately. “She despises him.”

               “But she was afraid _at first_ ,” Ladson corrects himself. “And you’re right, now she despises him. So should you despise him on that principle alone then?”

               “No, but-“

               “But what?” Ladson asks, and you just shrug your shoulders uncomfortably. “I don’t understand the Force or the Force bond that you have with him, so I’m not going to count that. But I do know a thing or two about mind games and manipulation, and I know that looking back on the past, especially when you keep replaying it over and over in your mind, can distort your perception of what really happened.” He takes a deep breath in and lets it out. “But you need to be honest with yourself and what you want. You need to take a deep breath and say, yes, I love Kylo, and I still do, but I can’t be with him anymore and I’m going to try to move on in whatever form that takes.”

               “Or?” you ask hesitantly.

               “Or you can spend the rest of your life waiting around for him,” Ladson says with a shrug. “You’ve done it for the past five years, I’m sure you can do it for the next ten, or twenty, or thirty.”

               “I don’t want to wait _that_ long,” you say with a laugh, but Ladson doesn’t look like he’s joking.

               “It’s up to you,” he says firmly. “When we stepped foot on the Starkiller Base, we didn’t know what would happen there, and we don’t know where we’ll be in a month from now or even a year from now. Heck, we could be back at home with Sadie and Ani, laughing about this whole thing for all we know.”

               “Seems doubtful,” you reply, reflecting his sober demeanor.

               “The point is that you don’t know,” Ladson says firmly. “Stop trying to figure it all out. Stop trying to get all the answers. It’s okay to have questions. It’s okay to be unsure, but stop letting it consume your whole life. Stop looking towards the future and start living in the now.”

               You take his hand in yours as you intertwine your fingers together. “Since when did you become so smart? If I had known you were going to give me a speech like this, I would have come to you first instead of Rey.”

               “I’ve been here,” Ladson insists, although there is a note of good humor in his voice. “ _You_ just haven’t been listening.”

               “Well, I’m listening now,” you tell him. “So thank you, for that. And for Ani, and for, for everything, I guess.”

               He just smiles as he gives your hand a little squeeze. “You’re welcome.” You let the moments just tick by as you sit together in comfortable silence. “So, does this mean you’re going to fuck the pilot now? Because-“

               _“Shut. Up.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And boom, it finally happened. This was honestly my favorite chapter to write for so many reasons, most of which because of Wedge and that training exercise, like...I have not been able to shut up about that part for weeks because I can just imagine how fun Poe would make training for aerial combat. In terms of Poe, I know certain people have opinions, so I'm just going to say my piece. If you look up at the top, none of the tags have changed. This fic isn't suddenly going to suddenly jump the tracks and throw Kylo into the dust, although I mean, technically that could be a pretty realistic scenario if I didn't already have a clear set up in place for the endgame. I think it's important for the Reader to have an attraction to Poe, because, let's face it: out of the trio, he's the one with the least amount of natural Force ability. Considering the Reader is in a state where she is struggling to understand whether her feelings for Kylo are genuine or due to the Force bond, she's going subconsciously find herself drawn to the one person who sees her for her intrinsic skills and not her Force abilities; that just makes good sense. And I love how Ladson is giving her a lot of hard truths in this chapter, drawing the parallels between Kylo and Poe and just being like, sure, you waited for Kylo for five years, are you really going to spend the rest of your life waiting for him? Because while we can guess that Kylo is going to stumble back into the picture sooner or later, the reader doesn't know that, and honestly, I think we kind of need to see her develop at least a crush, just a little something, on someone else so we can see what she looks like in a relationship outside of him so if/when he does come back into the picture, she has a certain expectation of how she wants to be treated in a relationship and she doesn't just become Kylo's doormat because she doesn't want him to leave again. Right now our reader is trying to figure out what a life without Kylo Ren could look like for her, and while it may not include Poe, specifically, she wants to pursue her options, she wants to see what things could look like, and I think she's going about it in a really honest way, because she doesn't really know what she wants, but she's at least trying, and man, I just gave myself all the feels right now. So, in short, if you're worried about this becoming the Poe x Reader story, I wouldn't be. You never know when Kylo might drop by to pay her another visit, or how that will affect her. >.>
> 
> AND if you're missing some of the cute Kylo x Reader interactions, I've got you covered. I got a prompt from a sweet anon for a fluffy Kylo x Reader piece, and honestly, it couldn't have come at a better time. It takes place roughly between Chapters 30-32 of A Flare in the Dark and if I had to give it a synopsis, it would be this: When Phasma decides to play a prank on General Hux, Kylo and Reader end up getting...wet. It is SFW, though, rated F for fluffy, and I may or may not accidentally break the fourth wall. >.> Ladson and Hux are also featured, so click [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/140927265647/prompt-hey-can-i-request-a-fluffy-kylo-ren-x) to read it!! Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	17. Chapter 17

               “So, uh, does Poe have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? Or anything like that?”

               A few days later, prompted on by Ladson’s encouragement, you had decided to at least approach the topic of Poe with Finn while you were in the blasting range. Ladson had really come back more or less to his old self again, and he claimed that it was all due to Finn’s unwavering support and encouragement. You weren’t totally sure Finn was completely to thank for _everything_ , but if Finn could at least have that kind of substantial effect on Ladson’s attitude and behavior, then perhaps he could help you with whatever you were going through.

               “Why?” Finn asks, his jaw set with concentration as he fires another shot at the target in front of you. “You interested?”

               “No, I was just making conversation.” You fire a shot at the target yourself, missing by a wide margin. You really weren’t in the least bit surprised.

Finn stops shooting as he lowers his blaster and turns to face you, his face still serious in nature. “Ladson told me.”

               You throw back your head and groan loudly, letting your voice bounce and reverberate off the walls of the room. “ _Why?_ ”

               “No, no,” Finn says quickly, his face collapsing as he starts laughing in earnest. “No, Ladson told me you wanted to _talk_ to me, although now I think I can guess what it was about.”

               “It’s not about Poe,” you huff as you correct your stance and line up your shot.

               “Uh-huh.”

               “It’s not,” you exclaim, and you completely miss the target as you fire again. You sigh and let your arms drop to your sides.

               “Okay, okay,” Finn says quickly. “We don’t have to talk about Poe, although _you_ were the one who brought him up.” That much was true, and you shoot him a dirty look. “What do you want to talk about then?”

               You let out a breath through your nostrils. “I’ve been thinking about the First Order lately,” you say at length, trying to gauge his reaction. He just shakes his head slightly to the side, waiting for you to go on. “Is it okay to talk to you about that?”

               “Yeah,” Finn says, sounding almost surprised.

               “Sorry, I just-“ you shake your head. “I remember what you said about their manipulation and mind games and I was just wondering, do you think everyone in the First Order is evil?”

               Finn lets out a small laugh, but stops when he sees your reaction. “What brought this on?”

               “I don’t know,” you shrug. “I just, I don’t know. We had two very different experiences with the First Order. Phasma was nice to me; she gave me my staff and helped train me. And Kylo was decent to me too. I know what you said before about manipulation and mind games, but surely they can’t be totally evil if they’re capable of doing nice things?” You shrug. “I mean, I would go out on a limb and say that Hux is totally and completely evil, but that’s Hux.”

               Finn just sighs as he runs a hand through his short, cropped hair, deep in thought. “We had different experiences with them,” he says. “I met other Storm Troopers in the First Order who weren’t bad guys, they were just conditioned to be killers and they didn’t fight it. It’s not really their fault; they were like me, taken from their families at a young age and trained to do one thing. They didn’t have a choice in it. It’s the only life they ever knew.”

               You let out a deep breath. “Kylo Ren was manipulated from a young age,” you tell him, although you know he already knows that. “He was manipulated by Snoke for a long time. For all we know, he was conditioned to go over to the dark side, and maybe he just stopped fighting it. Maybe it was too powerful and he just gave in to it.” You shuffle your feet uncomfortably. “I know he tried to kill you, and I’m sorry for that-“

               “You don’t need to apologize for that,” Finn assures you. “You did nothing wrong. That wasn’t on you.”

               “Still,” you say with a shrug. “-do you think that Kylo, himself, is a bad person? An _evil_ person?”

               Finn scratches the back of his head as he thinks. “First, you need to stop apologizing for him. You’re not responsible for what he is or what he’s done. You did whatever you could to survive up there, and everyone here knows that.” You nod your head quickly, waiting for him to get to your question. “I don’t know if he’s evil or not, because I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what Snoke has said or done to him to make the guy the way he is.”

               “But I do know that we can only judge people by the choices they make and how they treat us,” he continues. “You see good in the guy, and I get that, because that’s the side of himself that he showed you. For me? I’ve heard rumors about what that guy had done for a long time before I watched him kill his father right in front of me, and then I was on the receiving end of his lightsaber.” He bites his lip as he looks at you, really looks at you. “For you, I’m sure you see a man that can be redeemed, if he wants redemption. But for me? I don’t. I don’t see it, because all I’ve seen him do is hurt other people. He disarmed me, back on Starkiller Base. He didn’t have to go for the fatal blow, but he did, and I’m pretty sure he thought I was dead. To me, it doesn’t matter what orders Snoke gave him. He had a choice, and right then, he chose to try to kill me, and I can’t forgive that.”

               There’s a silence that stretches on and on between you, and you don’t know what to say. You want to apologize again, but Finn was right, you couldn’t keep apologizing to Finn and everyone else for what Kylo Ren had done. He was an adult, and he was capable of making his own choices, his own decisions, completely independently of you. “I think I’m conflicted,” you say at length. “Because part of me wants to forgive him. But I can’t. Honestly? I just don’t think I can anymore.”

               “And that’s up to you.” Finn reaches out and puts his hand on your shoulder, giving you a firm, reassuring squeeze. “Forgive him or not, that doesn’t matter, the dude probably doesn’t want it anyway. But you need to forgive yourself for what happened up there. Whether you were manipulated into it or, hell, even if you liked going along with it, you need to forgive yourself. That’s so far in the past-“ he shakes his head. “I’m sure back on that base, everyone knew about you and Kylo Ren, right? Everything you were was in relation to him. But that’s not how we see you here. Never have. You’re your own person, and all we see, all we _ever_ have seen, is you, the brave, strong, kind-hearted person standing in front of me.”

               You can’t help yourself. You feel tears brimming in your eyes as you throw your arms around his neck, burying your face in his shoulder. He wraps his arms around you too, gently stroking your upper back. “Thanks,” you say, your voice filled with emotion. “Thanks, I think I really needed to hear that.” He waits until you’re ready to pull away, and you offer him a small smile which he quickly returns. You let out a sigh as you collect yourself, rubbing your face with both hands. “I feel a lot better now.”

               Finn gives you a thumbs up, and it makes you giggle. “What’s the Tortuarune sign for awesome?”

               You just mimic his gesture, holding up your opposite hand in a thumbs up as well. “This works.”

               “So,” Finn says as he slowly lowers his arm. “What’s this about Poe?”

               “Just heard a rumor,” you say, shrugging your shoulders. “Is he involved with someone?”

               Finn appraises you for a moment before he cracks a grin. “If you want to know, you’re going to have to ask him that yourself.”

               “Fair enough,” you say with a shrug of your shoulders. You lift your arm, holding the blaster in the direction of the target as you casually squeeze the trigger. There’s only a slight recoil and your eyes move from your wrist to the target. You hit it dead center.

               “Feeling better now, huh?” Finn asks, and a grin spreads across your own face as you nod your head.

               Rey had been away, off on some sort of mission with Luke that you didn’t feel like you should ask about, and so you headed down to the mess hall yourself that day, as Finn had something else to attend to. You walked through the doors and looked around, but Ladson and Ani weren’t there yet either. Apparently, the base had something of a small music room, and Poe had delighted in trying to teach Ani how to play the drums, letting him bash two sticks against some sort of unrecognizable animal hide. He had professed that Ani was a natural, and although you had never heard him, you assumed that it was probably more or less just noise. Not that you would ever say that to directly to Ani’s face, of course, but you could only imagine the sort of headache you would get from listening to Ani bang on a drum for hours on end.

               It would almost probably feel something like the headache that was forming in your head right now. You slumped back against the wall next to the door, holding your forehead in one hand as you grimaced, clenching your jaw. It felt like someone had inserted a balloon in your skull and was slowly filling it up with pressure until it was about to pop. Was it some sort of mental attack? But from who? From Kylo Ren? From Snoke?

               It’s overpowering, and you let your shield drop, only for a moment, but it’s enough. _Relax. I am a friend._

               You look up and around you. No one’s paying any attention to you, and you quickly think back in the direction you think the voice came from. _Who are you? How are you in my head? Are you here with me right now?_

There is a quiet chuckle of laughter that only increases your unease. _He never did communicate with you this way, did he?_

You try to think back, confused. _He? Who is he?_ Suddenly an image of Taro burns into your mind, and the realization snaps into your mind so fast it almost makes you dizzy. _You? You’re Taro’s brother?_

 _I guess his wall kept him out too_ , is the only response you get.

               Suddenly you’re tearing your way through the crowd, desperately looking for any Tortutaru. You hadn’t really noticed any before, but then again, you hadn’t been looking. You remembered that Poe had told you that Taro’s brother was on board the base, but you had never actually gone looking for him. What were you supposed to say to him, anyway? Your brother helped mentally protect me from Kylo Ren even though it was all part of some Resistance plot that I wasn’t in on and then tried to help me escape but got himself killed instead? You realize that he may or may not still be tapped into your thoughts, and so you quickly try to suppress anything and everything from your mind until you find him.

               There’s a long stretch of tables along the far side of the wall with a long bench running across it, and Taro’s brother is sitting near the middle, alone. There’s only one empty seat across from him, and you take it he might have been waiting for you to arrive. You walk towards him nervously, pushing what you had forgotten about Tortutaru culture back into your head. You immediately drop your eyes and bow your head as you make your way into his seat, making sure not to make eye contact.  You extend your hand over the table, palm outstretched, waiting for permission. You wait until you feel rough fingertips slide against the grooves of your palm before you jerk your eyes upwards towards his face.

               Physically, he didn’t look all that different from Taro. They both had dark green skin and were over two meters tall, common for most Tortutaru. Their species had big heads, not quite bulging at the sides, but there was a significant increase in girth there. He had two very large eyes, two narrow slits on his face to serve as a nose, and a mouth, although it was more of a flap that extended up and then back from the bottom cavity, the appearance not unlike a child walking around with their mouth agape with their tongue stuck to the roof of their mouth.

               He smiles at you as he presents you with his own name, a letter tapped twice against the side of his bicep. You nod your head quickly in understanding as you make the shape of the first letter of your first name and move it in a quick spiral from the bottom of your chin down to the top of your left shoulder.

               He sits there, appraising you, and you shuffle awkwardly in your seat, not quite sure what to say to him. Finally he lifts up his hand and spells out his name _T-A-R-O._

You just nod your head and hold up two crossed fingers. _Best friend._ You make a fist and put it against your chest, about to make the sign for _sorry_ for Taro’s brother holds out a hand to stop you.

               _Brave_ , he signs. He points back to himself and makes the sign for _proud._

You push a smile to your lips as you look up at him, lifting up your hands as you try to explain. _He came back for me. He wanted me to try to escape with him._

His brother shakes his head, as if he doesn’t understand. _No go with?_

You shake your head as you point to yourself. _Distraction. Provide help I wanted._

 _Ah._ He seems to smile in spite of himself as he drops his chin to his chest. He makes the sign for _hero_ before he shakes his head sadly and lifts up his index finger and twists it against his chin. _I miss him._

               You hold up one hand, keeping your index and pinky fingers extended as you move your hand in a small line, back and forth in the space between you. _Same._

               You’re not really sure what else there is to say, and for some reason you’re oddly thankful as you hear a familiar voice speak up behind you. “How’s it going?” You spin around to see Poe standing there, and you can’t help but let a smile cross your features. “I see you’ve found Taro’s brother.” He raises a hand to Taro’s brother as he makes his name sign on his arm. You tilt your head to the side, wondering how Poe knows his name, but Taro’s brother simply responds back with _Commander._ Did they know each other? Had they worked together in the command center?

               “ _Do you want to sit?_ ” you ask, signing and talking at the same time, anxious to see how they knew one another.

               “Uh-“ Poe looks back and forth, but the chairs around you are all filled. You don’t even have time to process what’s happening as Poe slides the chair back and lifts you up by sliding one arm underneath your underarms, squeezing himself beneath you in one fluid motion.

               _How did that happen?_ You think to yourself, and you can’t hide the blush that’s spreading across your cheeks as you realize that you are sitting on Poe’s lap, both of your legs straddling either side of one of his. You hold your hands stiffly out in front of you like a caricature paused in mid-motion, momentarily forgetting how to move.

               Poe does not seem to notice your awkwardness at all. In fact, he slips one arm around your shoulders to hold you steady as he lifts his free hand into the air as he makes the sign for _how are you_ , using only one hand.

               _Good,_ Taro’s brother replies, putting the fingertips of his flat hand to his chin and pushing outwards.

               _Wait, wait._ You turn your body inwards so that you can better see Poe’s face. You’re ridiculously close to him, but at least you’re too distracted to really give it more than a passing thought. “ _I thought you said you didn’t_ know _any Tortuarune.”_

Poe taps the side of his head with one outstretched finger. _Thought. Should. Learn-_ He can’t make the sign for _some_ using only one hand, so he just makes the gesture for _a little bit_ , holding his index finger and thumb an almost imperceptible distance apart, before he points to you. You let a blush take over your cheeks again, and you swivel your body around again to face Taro’s brother so you don’t have to answer him. Poe really wanted to learn Tortuarune for you?

               Taro’s brother takes two fists and turns them to the side, smashing the base of his fingers on both hands together as he flexes the thumbs on both hands up and down in one congruent motion, holding the sign out in front of his chest. You know the implications of that sign, as all of the possible terms filter their way through your mind. _A couple. An item. Dating. Lovers. Sweethearts._

               More or less, it symbolized two people who were _involved,_ with romantic, not sexual, implications.

               “What’s that mean?” Poe’s voice suddenly makes you realize how close you are sitting to him, and his hot breath against your ear is enough to make you physically ill.

               You ignore him, snapping your index and middle finger together against your thumb in a quick series of repeated movements. _No._

 _Ah._ Taro’s brother makes a brief expression of comprehension. He picks up both hands and turns them to the side, running the fingertips of one hand over the palm of his other, letting them trail up and over his fingers, snapping the motion slightly at the end as he pulled his hands apart. It’s the casual sign for _hooking up._

               _“No_ ,” you say and sign at the same time, fingerspelling the word over and over again for emphasis. _N-O-N-O-N-O-N-O-N-O._

               “What’s he saying?” Poe whispers in your ear, and you are pretty sure that if his lips do accidentally touch your earlobe that you will either faint or spontaneously combust on the spot.  

               Taro’s brother just laughs at your reaction as he picks up his hands again. _Commander approached me not long ago. Said he wanted to learn._ He cocks his head to one side in consideration. _I think he’s trying to impress you._

               You bite your lip as you turn back around to face him, trying to conceal the fact that your face must be glowing red right now. “ _You really wanted to learn_ _Tortuarune?_ ”

               “I told you I had been meaning to learn a little,” Poe shrugs. “I figured with you around I’d actually have someone to practice with.”

               You turn halfway to Taro’s brother, unsure of how to respond to that. He simply tilts his head to the side as he picks up his hands. _Is it working?_

That confirmed it. He was a cheeky son of a bitch. He was definitely Taro’s brother.

               The three of you talk for a while, although it’s mostly you and Taro’s brother talking, while you let Poe in on the conversation and teach him whatever signs and expressions he needs to know in order to help him reply adequately. It was immediately clear from the start that he really didn’t know all that much, but it still meant a lot to you regardless, and you turned your full attention to the conversation to distract you from the fact that Poe kept running one hand absent-mindedly up and down your side, occasionally letting it linger on the outside of your thigh.

               “No, it’s Poe,” you laugh. “Your name is _Poe._ ”

               “That’s what I’m spelling,” Poe laughs without the tiniest bit of frustration. You turn back to Taro’s brother, who just makes a faint chuckling sound as he shakes his head.

               “No, that’s a _K,_ not a _P_ ,” you tell him.

               “No, I’m pretty sure that’s a _P_.”

               “Not a _P_.” You turn to Taro’s brother and point to Poe in exasperation. He just shakes his head as he holds up the proper shape for _P._

“ _See_?” you ask as you speak and sign simultaneously. _“See, I told you.”_  You shake your head. “You need to turn it the _other_ way.”

               “What other way?” Poe asks, contorting his wrist to the side. “That way?”

               “That doesn’t even look natural,” you murmur. You can’t help yourself. You don’t even think, your body just reacts as you reach forward and put your hands around his, adjusting it into the right position. You notice Poe’s eyes are trained on your face, but you purposely ignore his gaze as you gnaw on your lower lip and adjust his fingers, moving his thumb against his middle finger as you move his wrist down. “There. Better.”

               “Huh,” he says with a shrug. “Guess so.” He smiles up at you, but you just pretend to be annoyed by the whole affair as you turn away from him. Still, you can’t deny that you are secretly liking the way his thumb absent-mindedly caresses your side.

               Suddenly your stomach growls, and Poe turns to you sharply. “Have you eaten yet?”

               “Oh,” you shrug. “No, guess not. I-“

               “Waiting for me to get you food, is that it?” Poe asks teasingly.

               “I’m perfectly capable-“

               “I’ll be right back.” You let out a huff of defeat as Poe slowly eases you off of his lap so that you can get up. You stretch your legs for a minute before you sit back down, watching Poe disappear into the crowd of people. Eventually, your gaze returns to Taro’s brother, who is sitting there with a satisfied smirk on his face.

               _He likes you._

               You roll your eyes as you slide your index fingers over one another, knotting them together. _He’s my friend._

               Taro’s brother just shakes his head and then taps the side of his head twice with one index finger. Your mind traces through all the possibilities of what that could mean before it settles on one uncomfortable notion in particular. _You went into his head?_

Taro had kept the wall up in your head to keep Kylo Ren and anyone else from getting in, but had he and the other Tortutaru been reading Ladson’s and Sadie’s and everyone else’s minds as well? You knew that they had been reading the minds of the Storm Troopers in the First Order, but that was because that was part of their goal. Didn’t they have any sense of morality associated with their telepathy? Did they just poke around people’s heads whenever they felt like it, just to see what was there?

               He shakes his head and you feel yourself relax a little. _Didn’t need to._ You hesitate for a moment before he adds _like – same._ In other words: _You like him back._

You just groan silently as you stretch your neck from one side to the other. This was definitely Taro’s brother, all right, sticking his nose into your love life for the sole purpose of watching how adamantly you would deny it. Finally you just sit back and move your hands across each other in the air, your index fingers leaving a tiny wave of squiggles in their wake. _It’s complicated._

Taro’s brother just shrugs his shoulders. _Always is._

               You took a deep breath as you crossed your arms over your chest, and he didn’t press you any further. Still, you couldn’t help but wonder about what he had said. Whether he had actually been inside Poe’s head or not, the Tortutaru were able to pick up on emotions of people from across the room; it’s why they generally tried to shy away from crowded places such as this. He didn’t actually have to get inside Poe’s head to be able to discern how Poe felt about you. At first the idea of Poe actually feeling _anything_ towards you seemed like a ridiculous notion, but the signs were all there.

               It was bad enough when you just liked him. It was ten times worse if he liked you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so based on today's heavy chapter involvement of sign language and a post I saw today on Tumblr, I'm going to speak. Now, I get that it's "cool" to learn sign language now but deaf people have historically faced A LOT of oppression for sign language, and is currently still facing cultural exploitation, so I'm going to break it down. Alexander Graham Bell, the guy who invented the telephone, was a dick. He thought that deaf people shouldn't get married, and helped get sign language BANNED at the Conference of Milan in 1880, fundamentally shutting down deaf people's basic access to information/education for over a hundred years, forcing deaf people to learn through the oral method, which was horrible. In 1960, a HEARING teacher at Gallaudet named William Stokoe said ASL was a language in its own right due to its unique syntax and grammar but even then, it was a long struggle to get sign language back in schools. 
> 
> So when you're wondering, "Why doesn't everyone just learn sign language?", it's completely downplaying almost a century of systematic oppression. Sign language has been viewed as an "inferior language" (aka it was said people who talk with their hands are deaf and dumb) which is why the use of ASL/sign language in the Deaf community and Deaf culture is so important, because it's about empowerment, it's about taking back our language. It's great if you're hearing that you want to learn ASL, but you need to remember the millions of deaf people that have struggled with simple, basic access to communication because they were denied that basic right, and it's important to keep that in mind.
> 
> It's also important to know that THIS IS STILL GOING ON TODAY. If you have a deaf child, doctors will tell you until you're blue in the face that you need to give that child all sorts of CIs and implants and expensive surgeries (which may not even work, but that's a story for another time) but they'll give anything to make the child "normal" so they don't have to rely on sign language. MEANWHILE, hearing children are ENCOURAGED to sign, as it "helps fine tune motor development and helps with the early acquisition of language skills." The fact that hearing children are encouraged to sign while deaf children are not, is oppression, and it still very much goes on today, and yes, it is absolutely disgusting and it makes me sick to my stomach.
> 
> And yes, it has affected me personally. When I first went to a doctor for my hearing loss, I told him I wanted to learn sign language to help me communicate and he thought the idea was ridiculous when I could just get a hearing aid, meanwhile, while I was looking at colleges, I came across not one but several forms of literature that encouraged people to learn ASL because it "looks great on a college application! is fun! shows initiative!" So basically if I want to learn ASL to COMMUNICATE, it's bad, but if I want to learn it "for funsies" then gold star for you! Like, I get that a lot of people don't know this shit, I really, really do, but it does affect me and many, many others (not including discrimination in the job market, healthcare, education, etc.) which is why I try to use whatever platform I can to raise awareness about this, because knowledge IS power. 
> 
> For example, did you know that Deaf culture has its own art form called De'Via art? It's basically (culturally) Deaf artists using art as a medium to express their individual Deaf experiences in visual form. A great De'Via painter, Chuck Baird, passed away recently in 2012 (RIP Chuck!) but one of my favorites, coined "The Mother of De'Via" is Betty G. Miller and I'll throw one of my favorite works of hers in the top comment so you all can see it, but really, you can just google de'via art and one of the first results that comes up is "deaf oppression." There's a reason for that. 
> 
> So just, you know, something to think about. Yes, learning sign language is fantastic, the more people I can easily communicate with the better, but please remember the history behind it. (PS: Asked to add, knowing fingerspelling or how to sign your name is NOT ASL. As a good friend of mine says, if you can't tell me instructions for a basic cookie recipe or don't understand me telling you that I'm about to kill you and shit on your grave, then you don't know ASL.) 
> 
> PS: Remember that secret wife prompt from a few days ago? I got a request for a part two from a grieving, angsty Kylo perspective and I’ve finally delivered: click [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/140981761107/prompt-so-i-just-read-your-kylo-fic-where-you) to read it!! Kind of an awkward follow-up to the above, but what'cha gonna do? Okay, I’m going to pull a Kylo Ren and go destroy some consoles now.  
> PS: Some people don't know how to keep their shit in the toilet, so comment moderation has been temporarily enabled. Please feel free to keep your lovely comments coming, it just won't show up immediately is all. ^_^


	18. Chapter 18

               Poe brings you a plate of food and you sit on his lap and eat while Taro’s brother looks on and makes idle conversation. Eventually, though, he bids you both good night, and Poe slips into his empty seat as you two continue talking, making idle banter about piloting and the general goings-on around the base. You don’t say anything that would arouse suspicion, but the chair is hard and stiff beneath you, and you silently kicked yourself for missing the warmth and comfort of Poe’s lap. It doesn’t take you long to finish eating, but you’re not ready to end things just yet. You know for a fact that if you run back to your room now, you’re just going to be stuck thinking of him all night.

               “Walk me back to my room?” you ask, pushing your plate away, and Poe looks surprised but doesn’t argue as you walk together back to your room. Just as you reach the outside of your door, you can hear one of Ani’s ear-piercing shrieks from inside. You just sigh and drop your shoulders, letting your eyes close for a brief moment. Things had seemed to be going well tonight, but maybe Poe walking you back to your room wasn’t such a great idea after all. “I guess I’ll see you later then.”

               “No,” Poe shakes his head. “I’ll go with you. Let’s go see what’s wrong.”

               You’re about to argue with him, but you don’t know what to say and so you just silently swipe your keycard past the reader to unlock the door. You put your hand on the knob and steady yourself for a moment, bracing yourself for whatever you’re about to see. Gathering your strength, you push the door open to see Ani standing in the middle of the floor, his face a bright shade of red as he cries openly, his mouth wide open in a childish wail. Ladson is leaning over him, but he turns sharply as he sees you enter the room, with Poe following right behind you.

               Ladson stands up and narrows his eyes at you as he picks up his hands and starts signing in rapid-fire Tortuarune. _I swear if you were out fucking him while Ani’s been here-_

“No,” you say quickly. “No, we were just at dinner. What’s wrong?”

               “I told him it was time for bed,” Ladson says.

               “But you didn’t fight yet,” Ani wails, and you consider using your Force abilities to knock him out for the night. You probably would have, too, if Poe wasn’t standing right _freaking_ there.

               “Hey, hey, hey,” you say, dropping down to one knee beside Ani. “I’m here now, okay? I was just with Poe, getting warmed up. We’re still going to fight.”

               Ani rubs his face with his sleeve, but it looks like his hysterics are starting to wind down. “Poe’s going to fight?”

               You laugh and look back at Poe, who just looks completely and utterly bewildered. “No, Ani,” you tell him, messing up his hair. “You know I’d kick his butt.”

               “Is he going to watch then?” Ani asks, looking up at you. You hesitate and stare straight ahead, determined not to look back at Poe.

               “Of course I am,” Poe says quickly, picking up Ani. “We’re going to watch the fight.”

               Ladson rubs the back of his neck with his hand, looking sufficiently uncomfortable. “He usually sits over there, out of the way.” He points to a chair in the corner of the room, and Poe sits down, pulling Ani up onto his knee. You’d be lying if you didn’t admit that you were just a wee bit jealous.

               “So, uh, what fight?” Poe asks, looking between you and Ladson. “Should I be concerned?”

               “We spar, at night,” you tell him.

               “Not in those boots,” Ladson says, looking down at your feet, and you let out an exasperated sigh.

               “Hold on, let me change.” You immediately dart into your room and pull off the belt that contained your lightsaber. It was probably a good idea not to have it on you while you sparred, otherwise you might accidently trip the Force toggle and activate it, and that could have serious consequences. Keenly aware that Poe is literally sitting in the next room, you change as fast as you possibly can. Usually when you sparred with Ladson you wore shorts to allow you better range of motion, but today you went with tight-fitting black pants underneath your tank top, that was just a bit looser than the one you usually wore. You pull your hair into a tight ponytail behind you as you step back out into the living room.

               “Okay, let’s do this,” you say, slamming the fist of one hand against your open palm.

               Ladson just grins as he shakes his head, and you keep your eyes focused on him, refusing to look at Poe and Ani in the corner. Ladson picks up his hands again and signs off a quick question. _So since your boyfriend’s here, should I go easy or hard on you?_

You snort as you tilt your head to the side, wiping the fingers of both hands against each other. _Doesn’t matter, I’m going to kick your butt anyway._

Ladson looks taken aback as he raises his eyebrows in surprise. _So he_ is _your boyfriend?_ You just shake your head as you move towards him suddenly, planting a kick at his side with your right foot. He holds up his arm to block it and you quickly pull it back down to your side as you kick upwards with your other foot, kicking him back in the abdomen as you push him back, landing on the toes of your right foot as you spin into a landing. Little Ani claps and giggles, and Poe look sufficiently impressed. You flush as you look away, suddenly caught off balance by Ladson as he rushes towards you.

               He plants a punch to your torso and you miss the first one but block the second, grabbing his fist with your hand and thrusting it outwards as he brings his knee up against your side. You immediately cross both arms in front of your side to make an ‘X’ shape as you block it, but he’s right there with his fist again, and you duck down and out to the side, watching him closely. Usually it was just playing for fun, but you could tell that he was _not_ playing around today. You weren’t sure if he was trying to help with Poe or not, but allowing Poe to watch you get yourself beaten into the dirt was not how you envisioned the rest of the night going.

               He rushes towards you again, but you just duck out from under his arm and jab your elbow into his side. He staggers back but tries to recover by planting a kick in your direction, but you just idly block it and let him recover his footing. He makes a small signal for you to go on the offensive, but you just shake your head, determined to stay out of his reach until he made the first move. He comes towards you again, but you’re overanxious and throw out a kick sooner than you should have. He grabs your ankle and while you try to thrust it out of his reach, he holds firm.

               You quickly throw yourself to the ground. You twist your body as you fall and land with your palms flat on the ground, kicking backwards off against Ladson’s chest. He lets go, and you literally roll out of the way as you stumble to your feet. Ladson throws a punch, directly at your face, and you literally catch it with both hands, just before it’s about to hit you in the nose. You can hear Ani let out a cheer, and you’re glad you can’t see Poe’s face right now; if you had reacted just a millisecond later, there would be blood gushing from your nostrils right now, or worse. The backs of your fingers are pressing uncomfortably into the back of your mouth, and you quickly push his fist out of your face. At the same time, you bring your knee up, just above his groin as you plant your knee against his abdomen.

               You mess around like this for a while, punching and kicking and dodging and rolling until eventually Ladson calls it a night, huffing and panting and sore, and you knew it wasn’t just his aching muscles. You could feel it too, you had been seriously going at it, and there were certain parts of your body that throbbed to signify that there would probably be a bruise there in the morning. “Satisfied, Ani?” Ladson asks, letting out a huff of breath. He is clearly winded, and sweat is dripping down his face. You’re sweating too, although you only take tiny breaths in and out of your nose, trying your best not to look affected in the slightest.

               “That was awesome,” Ani cheers as he claps again. “Mommy wins again. Mommy is the _best_.”

               “And don’t you forget it,” you say with a wink in his direction. It’s only then that you realize that his direction is also Poe’s direction, and you’re just glad your face is already red from exertion, because you don’t think you could possibly blush any harder.

               “Okay, Ani, time to wash up,” Ladson says as he heads over to the doorway of their bedroom, gesturing for Ani to follow.

               Ani immediately hops off Poe’s lap, but stops as he looks up at you. “What about Poe? Is he staying the night too?”

               You feel completely off balance for a second and you just turn to Ladson, who hides a smirk as he covers his mouth with the back of his hand. “Not tonight, bud,” Poe tells him without missing a beat. “I got work to do.”

               Ani just shrugs and doesn’t say anything further as he follows Ladson into his bedroom, leaving you and Poe alone in the living room. “You know, the couch isn’t that uncomfortable,” you say teasingly, but your tone sounds wrong, too forced, even to your own ears.

               “I got work to do,” Poe repeats, and you can tell by his tone that he means it.

               “Is this about the offensive strike?” you ask, and Poe nods his head. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have kept you from anything-“

               “You didn’t,” Poe says with a hint of good humor in his voice. “Besides, how could I have missed, uh, that?”

               You feel heat creeping into your cheeks again and you avert his eyes, feeling more embarrassed than ever. “Sorry you had to see that.”

               “Sorry?” Poe asks, tilting his head to the side in confusion. “No, it was cool. You were completely in your element. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look more confident since you were swinging your lightsaber around.”

               “Yeah, well,” you shrug. Ordinarily you would say you learned from the best, but you can’t bring yourself to invoke Kylo Ren’s name, not in front of Poe. “Practice makes perfect. When we were interpreting on the Starkiller Base, Ladson used to sneak into my room with a flask of Alderaanian wine he stole from Sadie and we would spar all night.”

               “Interesting,” Poe says as he considers you. “Unfortunately, though, I have to get going.”

               You frown and let your shoulders slump as he walks to the door. “So, I’m not going to see you for a few days then?”

               Poe just winks at you. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

               “Okay,” you say at length. “But um, stay safe. Be careful. Come back in one piece.”

               Poe just smiles and doesn’t say anything as he pulls you into a quick hug. You close your eyes, embracing his warmth, but he pulls away far too soon. “I’ll see you soon,” he says with a wink, and then he’s out the door. You close it behind him and lean your forehead against the wall. Poe would be fine, you knew that, but you couldn’t help but feel at least a little bit overwhelmed. So you liked him. So he maybe liked you. Where would things go? You thought about the first advice Sadie had given you about Kylo Ren. Did it really need to _go_ anywhere? Or could you just have fun and enjoy things while they lasted?

               You laugh in spite of yourself. No, you were you, and you could not just _enjoy_ anything without overthinking it and overanalyzing it until it almost made your brain explode. “Go to bed,” Ladson says from somewhere behind you. “Talk later.” You hesitate for a moment, and you hear him sigh from behind you. “He’ll be fine. He’s probably been doing much more dangerous stuff long before you met him.”

               “Yeah, I know,” you say quickly, with a shrug of your shoulders.

               “Then?” Ladson asks. “What’s the problem?”

               You weren’t quite sure yourself, and so you just rolled your shoulders and let them drop as you headed off to bed. At first you tried to console yourself with the notion that at least not seeing Poe in the mornings meant you go to sleep in later, even though that notion was quickly dispelled by Ani, who had somehow become a morning person during your stay here. He would run into your room and bounce on your bed until you got up to play with him, and although you wanted to just roll over and go back to bed more than anything, you dutifully got up each morning and took him on walks, or played with him, or did whatever he wanted to do. Finn, apparently, was also busy on some sort of assignment, and so you ended up spending a lot more time with Ani, which was all well and good. He was your child, after all, and it was nice to sometimes just sit there and talk with him when Ladson wasn’t there.

               “We’re never going to see dad again, are we?” Ani asks one day as you’re sitting in your living room. Ladson had gone off to meet some people, and although you didn’t know who these people were, you didn’t ask. If he wanted to talk to you about whoever he was meeting up with, he knew he was more than welcome to do so. Just because you had somehow developed a risky habit of oversharing didn’t mean he was obligated to do the same.

               “You don’t know that,” you say idly as you shrug. You watch Ani turn his little staff over and over in his hands, much like you used to.

               “I just have a feeling,” Ani shrugs.

               “What kind of feeling?” you ask quietly, watching him intently. You had no idea how much of the Force Ani was going to start picking up on, or how old he would be when it eventually struck, but you figured that as a child he was probably more exposed to subtle expressions of the Force that he felt but couldn’t explain any more than you could.

               “I just don’t think he likes us being here.” His arms twitch uncomfortably, and you lower yourself down to where he’s sitting on the floor.

               “Ani, have you seen him?” you ask quietly. “In your dreams?” Ani just shakes his head back and forth. “No? How about a man named Snoke? Has he tried to talk to you?”

               “Sno-oke?” Ani shakes his head, and you can tell by the look on his face that he doesn’t know who you’re talking about. _Good._ “You don’t like it when I talk about dad. Why?” You just smile softly as you muss up his hair. “Ladson won’t talk about him either.”

               “Your dad-“ You inhale a deep breath, pulling the air in and out of your lungs as you think. “Okay, you know how I go away during the day? And spend time with Poe and Finn and Rey to train and become stronger?”

               “Yeah.”

               “I’m doing that so I can protect you,” you explain. “It means I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I would like to, but it doesn’t mean I love you any less.”

               “I know.”

               “And so’s your dad,” you continue, a bit nervously. “It’s the same way. He’s got important stuff he’s got to do.”

               “But-“ Ani pouts for a moment. “I hear people talking sometimes. I don’t think they like him. I don’t think they want him here.”

               “Your dad is-“ you hesitate, trying to figure out the best way to explain it. “Have you talked to grandma about this?”

               Ani nods his head. “She says he’s on the other side of the conflict.”

               “Right,” you say softly. “And do you know what that means?” Ani shakes his head. “It’s like he’s playing for another team. We’re here with the Resistance, and they work with the Republic; they think the galaxy should be run in one specific way. He’s with the First Order, and they have their way for how they want to run the galaxy.”

               “But why can’t they all just rule it together?” Ani asks, and you smile and shake your head.

               “See that couch?” you ask, pointing to the fabric right next to you. “What color is that, hm?”

               “Blue,” Ani chirps.

               “What if I said it’s red?” you ask.

               Ani tilts his head to the side in confusion. “But it’s _blue._ ”

               “But you see,” you say softly. “You can’t always see things from my perspective, and I can’t always see things from yours. Sometimes we just have to agree to disagree.”

               Ani is silent for a moment as he puzzles it over. “But it’s _blue_.”

               “But you can’t see the couch with my eyes, so you need to take my word for it and respect the fact that I think it’s red.”

               “But it’s _blue._ ”

               You just sigh and rub your temple. “Okay, maybe that was a bad analogy, but you get my point, don’t you?”

               “I think so,” Ani says, although he doesn’t seem too sure.

               “We may see him again,” you say softly, trying to appease him. “Right now we’re just on different sides.”

               “But if he can’t come here, why can’t we just go to his side?” Ani asks. It’s a fair question, but not one you really want to answer.

               “Because,” you say after a moment. “Because you have to put yourself before anyone else. First you have to figure out what’s right for you, and only then you can help the people around you.” You hesitate for a moment. “Except for me. I put you first, always.” You say it teasingly, mussing up his hair again, but he just looks confused.

               “But if you put me first, then why doesn’t dad?” It’s a genuine question, and you close your eyes as you let out a deep sigh. You can’t think of a good way to answer this question, probably because no good answer exists.

               “Because he’s helping other people right now.” You hear Ladson’s voice behind you and you quickly spin around. You hadn’t even heard him come in. “Saw Rey in the halls. She said to make sure you bring your lightsaber.”

               “Like I’d ever let it out of my sight,” you tell him, turning back to Ani. “Will you be good for a while with Ladson while I head off with Rey?”

               Ani just bobs his head up and down, and you pull him in for a quick hug and kiss the top of his head before you stand up. You give a quick wave to Ladson as you head out the door and head down to the Green Room as you thought over your conversation with Ani. It wasn’t so much that you hated spending time with him, no, he was your son, you loved him, and you loved spending time with him, but you just couldn’t help but be anxious whenever you were with him, afraid of questions like these, questions that you really didn’t know how to answer. You could do the best you could, but he was too young to really understand that Kylo Ren had done terrible, unforgiveable things. You didn’t know when it would be appropriate to tell him; it was the kind of conversation you never really wanted to have. _Son, you know your friends Rey and Finn and Poe? Well, your dad’s pretty much tried to kill all of them at one point or another, and he helped blow up planets containing_ trillions _of people, and, oh yeah, he also killed his own father…_

               How were you supposed to explain that to him? How was he supposed to understand that? He could comprehend that sure enough, but how would he ever be able to reconcile that the person who had done all of these unspeakable evil things was also his father, especially when Kylo had never been there for him? If you had a hard enough time reconciling Kylo as your lover after all he had done, you could only be sure that Ani would not be able to understand it. Then again, you never knew your mother and your father had been less than satisfactory, and you turned out more or less okay…

               You pause and consider this for a moment before you continue on your way. Maybe less okay than you would have liked, if your entire affair with Kylo Ren was any indicator of your poor decision making skills, but that was in the past and there was nothing you could do to change that now. Ani had at least one parent that loved him, and he had Ladson there too. It wouldn’t be the same as replacing his _actual_ father, but it had to have helped, didn’t it? Plus he had Leia, and he was surrounded by people who loved and cared for him. It was more than you ever had, that was for sure, and with that constant amount of support around him, you could assure yourself that even if you weren’t around, that Ani would grow up to be more or less okay.

               By the time you arrived in the Green Room, Rey was standing in the middle of the circle with her lightsaber in her hand. As soon as you walk in the door, there’s a distinctive hum as the blue blade glows in front of you. You had sparred with just your regular staffs before, and you were pleased that you seemed to match her in terms of skill, but now it looked like you two were ready to really evaluate your new skills and spar with your lightsabers. “Are we really going to do this?” you ask as you take your lightsaber off your belt.

               “As long as we’re careful, I don’t see the harm,” Rey says casually. You can tell that she’s just as excited as you are, you can feel it through the Force, only her expression and tone are better at concealing it. “It’s better to get the practice in now than risk losing to a real opponent.”

               “That’s fair,” you say. “But, uh, lightsaber burns are no joke, so please don’t hurt me.”

               Rey just shakes her head. “It’s not going to be the same as sparring with our staffs. We’re going to take this slow.” You let out a sigh, but quickly recover yourself. You knew how to fight with your staff, and when you hit yourself with it, it hardly mattered. Now if you accidently hit yourself, you were liable to lose a limb.

               Rey laughs as she senses your thoughts through the Force, instantly dismissing your concerns. “I thought the same thing, considering the first time I fought with a lightsaber, I was actually fighting for my life. During my training, Luke showed me that lightsabers can be ‘dimmed’ for training. By now you should be able to lower your blade power to noninvasive levels. Plus, I got these from Luke.” She goes to the door and pulls two bundles of silvery cloth out of a bag at its base, letting them drape to their full length. As they stretch to the floor, you can see that it’s not so much a cloth as it is fine netting.

               “This is chromeweave,” Rey explains. “While a lightsaber at training power isn’t enough to cut through your skin, it’s still strong enough to leave a nasty burn. Since we’re bound to make a few mistakes in the beginning, we’ll wear these. If one of us hits the other, the chrome will conduct the blade energy uniformly through the weave and gently dissipate it instead of burning holes in our clothes.”

               Rey takes one bundle and puts it on like a robe, and you realize that its light construction concealed the fact that it had sleeves. She tosses you the other bundle and you slip your arms through the sleeves and adjust it over your chest, leaving you covered in a fine metal mesh from the neck down.

               “Lower the power on your lightsaber and let’s begin,” Rey tells you. You use the Force to float the staff into your hand and then hold it out horizontally in front of you, willing the blades to emerge from either side. Once they’re fully powered, you focus on the subtle tug between the crystal halves and will them to relax, hearing the lightsaber blades quiet to an extremely low hum. Upon opening your eyes, you don’t really see any difference in the blades, but you can _feel_ the difference in the lower power the crystal is drawing from you. “Ready?”

               “Always am,” you reply as you tilt your head to the side, stretching out the muscles in your neck.

               “Good,” Rey replies. “Your lightsaber will handle a bit differently than your staff when it comes to actual combat. Unlike a lightsaber, our staffs are predominantly kinetic weapons, meaning that they move fast and need to hit hard to do any real damage to an opponent. It’s not quite so with a lightsaber. Its handle may have weight like your staff, but the blades themselves are weightless, therefore the effect of a full-power blade is the same regardless of how fast it hits. You’ll have to focus more on energy-saving circular motions with your lightsaber, more so than you ever did with a staff. Against another lightsaber, a mistake means much more than receiving a bruise, as you well know. Speaking of, I just want to check something before we begin. Hold still.”

               Rey reaches into the same bag and pulls out a thin bar of what looks like standard durasteel and tests it against your lightsaber blades. As the bar bounces back unharmed after multiple taps along both blades, Rey just nods as she casts the bar aside. “This is the first time we’ve done this with the low power blades, so I just wanted to check and make sure that they were safe.”

               “Better safe than sorry,” you agree with a curt nod of your head.

               “Exactly,” Rey says with a smile. “Now, on to dueling. Honestly, I don’t really know too much about dueling technique because there’s not a lot of people who duel with lightsabers anymore. There’s you and me, Luke, and Ren, of course, but that’s about all there is now. During the height of the Jedi Order, Luke’s master mentioned they developed detailed fighting forms and specific philosophies based on weapons match ups, like single blade versus two single blades or double blades versus double blades. Most of it was lost in Palpatine’s Purge, but Luke’s master taught me what little he remembers.”

               “To begin with, your lightsaber is similar to your staff, just in the way that it’s designed. Just like with staffs, a thrust is the most difficult attack to repel with a lightsaber, so instead of constantly wasting energy deflecting them, stand edge-on to your opponent to reduce your profile and discourage thrusts. Just like a staff, your lightsaber has the same five striking points: the center, the blades, and the ends of each blade. Thanks to the Mandalorian Iron, you can still block high cuts just like a staff if you ever have to, but don’t hold it that way for long. Mandalorian Iron may be difficult to cut, but it still heats up just like any other metal.”

               “Naturally,” you say.

               “Now, for differences,” Rey continues. “Instead of trapping your opponent’s blade to the ground, aim for trapping them in midair. Driving lightsaber blades into the ground not only increases the amount of power they consume, but could even extinguish the blade depending on what is on or in the ground. Due to the interaction of the focusing fields, lightsaber blades kind of stick on contact and don’t slide, so the subtle motions of parries are much more preferable to the aggressiveness of a full block. This allows you to disengage faster, leave yourself more defended, and helps you to better hide your next move from your opponent, which you can’t exactly do while recovering from a block. Here, try it.”

               Rey pulls out her lightsaber and activates it, then turns a dial somewhere down near the pommel and you can hear her blade power down as well. She holds it out at an angle and motions for you to parry it. You do so, and it feels like the blades have stuck together. You try pushing down against Rey’s blade to slide your blade towards her hilt, your muscles straining in your arms, but your blade barely moves at all. You brace yourself as you pull the blade away, and they come apart easily. You bring the staff around in a figure eight and repeat the motion a few more times, stopping against Rey’s lightsaber with alternating blades until you had a feel for the parry and disengage. Once you had enough, you level your lightsaber and signal for Rey to continue.

               “Final difference,” Rey tells you, “And this one is crucial: when you’re fighting with a lightsaber, especially your own, your awareness and reflexes will increase to a level you will never experience fighting with other weapons. This is due to the way the crystal draws power from the Force through you, making you more in tune with the Force. You may find that you can even channel certain Force powers without needing to extend your hand, although that can still help you focus. On that note, before we start, do you foresee yourself falling back more heavily on your skill with your lightsaber, or on your ability to channel the Force if you were ever being attacked?”

               “Um,” you say hesitantly, thinking it over. You tried to think about how Kylo probably fought, before you reminded yourself that it didn’t matter how Kylo fought, it would matter how you felt, and although you had never been in a real fight with your lightsaber before, you figured you would probably rely on it a lot more than your Force abilities, considering if you were in an actual battle, you would probably use your staff more often than you would the Force. “I’d probably use the lightsaber more,” you tell her. “Like seventy-thirty? Or maybe sixty-forty? Like, okay, maybe sixty-five, thirty-five.”

               “Okay,” Rey says with a light laugh. “Then I’ll show you the style I used back on Jakku that took advantage of the weight of my staff. Your lightsaber’s center staff is much, much heavier than most lightsaber hilts since it’s made of beskar-“

               “Beskar?” you repeat hesitantly, and Rey’s brow furrows in confusion.

               “Sorry, I haven’t told you yet, have I?” Rey shakes her head. “ _Beskar_ is the Mandalorian word for Mandalorian Iron. One of the pilots told me yesterday when he saw me working with the last remaining piece from the pipe. Anyway, since your staff is heavier than other lightsabers, it gives you a huge advantage when you’re on the attack, since the torque of a fast strike could be enough to set your opponent greatly off-balance, and the weight of the hilt allows you to carry energy through circular counter-motions with little or no effort on your part. To take advantage of this and also give yourself maximum stability for defense, stand like this.”

               You look down at Rey’s feet and see that she has spaced her feet about shoulder-width apart and positioned them so that her feet formed an _L_ shape if you traced a line through her front foot to her back heel and along her back foot. She also raised herself slightly on the balls of her feet instead of grounding her heels like you usually did, to give her a better reaction time. Looking down at your own feet, you try to do the same, but you feel a weird pressure in your ankles and you shake out your legs to try to rid yourself of the unfamiliar discomfort.

               “It’s weird, I know,” Rey says as she watches you. “But it works, trust me. Hold like that and we can get started at half-speed with parries. For this part, I’ll do the same basic attack sequence we did with the staffs – high cut, circling back around for a backhand cut to your right, then down across your left shoulder. Here’s the catch though, don’t block, resist the urge. Focus on parries instead. It’s more subtle and uses natural circular motions to take advantage of the staff weight. Ready?”

               You replay the sequence in your head, planning moves for parrying her blade instead of the blocks you were so used to with your staff. You nod, and Rey quickly brings her blade down in a downward arc towards your head and without thinking, you do a high block, catching her blade in the center of the staff. Rey just laughs, and you blush as you disengage and return to start position. Rey gives you a moment to compose yourself before she repeats the downward cut, but this time it’s just a bit slower, giving you time to suppress your natural instinct to block and instead bring your staff around to catch her blade with your right blade. Once you catch it, Rey disengages and circles her blade around for a backhand cut to your left and you spin your lightsaber around to catch it with your other blade. Rey disengages around your parry and circles her blade around for the final strike towards your left shoulder, and you bring your right blade up to catch it early. Instead of stopping there, however, Rey unexpectedly turns her blade aside and twists her whole body around, stepping closer to you with an angled cut towards your right shoulder. You circle the left blade up and catch hers just in time for the perfect parry. As the lightsabers flash at the sudden forceful contact, you look up at Rey’s face to see her smiling back at you.

               “See?” she asks. “It comes naturally once you get the hang of it. The circular movements are particularly important for you, since they’re strongest against a single blade. Since you seem to be getting the hang of it, let’s just spar at half speed so you have time to adapt your own natural fighting style to the differences of a lightsaber.”

You and Rey continued to slowly spar for the next half hour or so, as you began to adapt your style to the circles, parries, and disengages required for lightsaber combat. Once Rey saw the flow from one movement to the next was becoming natural to you, she slowly increased the speed of her attacks until you were sparring at full speed, your bright, amber blades wheeling around you and clashing with flashes of light as you circled each other in the center of the Green Room, faster than you ever did with your staffs, relishing the clarity in the Force that came with lightsaber combat.

               Over the next few days, you continued to train with Rey, practicing your form, so that if you ever had to use your lightsaber in a real battle, you would be prepared. You didn’t know _when_ you would ever get to use it, and a part of yourself almost believed that the reason Rey was training you was because Leia really wanted to get you involved in this skirmish after all. And to be honest, a part of you was actually okay with that. You hadn’t been out in space for a short while, and you were already starting to feel cooped up in this base. You wanted to go out and _do_ something, but you had no idea when Poe was getting back, and you didn’t exactly feel ready to fly out on your own, so you just sat tight.

               To be honest, you had no idea when Poe was getting back, or if he would even stop by to say hello to you when he did. Finn had, looking no worse for wear, but that was Finn. Poe had become something of another matter entirely. Before, if he had or hadn’t greeted you when he returned, it would hardly have made a difference to you, but now you were almost anxious, playing a plethora of scenarios through your mind as to when you would see him again. Would he surprise you by knocking on your door early one morning to wake you up to go flying with him again? Would he swing by at dinner to let you know that he was back? Would he surprise you when you were sparring with Rey in the Green Room? It became almost like a little game to you, constantly trying to anticipate Poe’s sudden appearance wherever you went.

               You had no idea what to expect from him, but you knew that he would probably surprise you regardless, and he did not disappoint. You didn’t expect to return to your apartment one day after practicing with Rey to see a small basket on the floor outside your door with a little note attached. It wasn’t signed, but in sloppy, scribbled handwriting was a note that read _Practice makes perfect._ You tilted your head to the side and looked up at the ceiling, trying to figure out why those words sounded so familiar to you, but at that moment, you weren’t sure if that was something you had said to someone or someone had said that to you. It didn’t make any sense to you until you pulled off the cloth covering the top of the basket, and then everything clicked into place.

               Sitting neatly inside the basket was a bottle of Alderaanian wine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so late getting out today, everybody. This weekend I had a few extra ideas that I wanted to implement into the story, which turned out to be an extra thirty thousand words while my editors scrambled to figure out where and when to shove them all in, as once things start happening, it all takes off quite quickly, and you will find out what I mean by that........tomorrow. 
> 
> In addition, I think I have finally pieced together a solid forty-chapter outline for the third installment, and I've officially written the last two paragraphs of the whole thing, which, being totally honest, may have made me cry like a baby. Fortunately for you, I'm a sucker for happy endings, and, let's face it: I want this to be a story people can keep coming back to and reading and enjoying over and over again. I don't know if anyone ever read the Divergent trilogy, but the last book, especially the ending, sucked so hard I was unable to pick up the first book and read it again, even though I remembered really liking it, just because I knew what was coming. Besides, you guys have been too good to me to allow me to give you anything less than the best, most happy feels by taking this journey with me. Seriously, this story is like the child I will never have, and I think I may love this story even a bit more than my cat (sorry, Sophie.) 
> 
> So buckle up everybody because the roller coaster is going to launch in 3...2...*vroom*


	19. Chapter 19

               That night, Ladson teased you mercilessly about the gift from your _boyfriend_. You had made sure to tuck Ani in early so he was blissfully unaware of the whole ordeal, as you didn’t want him throwing a tantrum after being denied a taste of the wine, which, as Ladson said, was too good to waste on his uncultured, childish taste buds. You drank a fair amount yourself, working your way up to a solid buzz. It didn’t take long for you to get there, as you had not actually really drank much of anything alcoholic in quite some time, and your tolerance apparently wasn’t what it used to be. You drank up until the point where your words started to run together, just on the edge of slurring, when Ladson decided that you had had enough, cut you off, and sent you to bed like the good friend he was. That was probably for the best, anyway. You were at the point where you could still sleep this off and be good by morning, which was fair, considering you didn’t know if Poe wanted to take you back into the cockpit right away, or if he needed a few days of rest and recuperation after that last mission.

               But that night, as you fell asleep, you were distracted by the alcohol, and your shield was not as strong as it usually was. You had always tried to meditate before you went to bed to keep the shield strong in your mind, but this time you had just sort of drifted off to sleep without taking any sort of precaution. You knew it the moment you shut your eyes as you laid your head down against your pillow and opened them again to find yourself back in your first bedroom aboard the Starkiller Base. The room was dark and dimly lit, and although it had always looked that way at night, this time it seemed almost eerie. You glanced towards the closed living room door as if expecting it to open before your eyes dart to the darkened bathroom doorway, as if expecting some sort of monster to jump out of it. The air seems charged with unknown danger and you sit up in your old bed, listening to the rapid thump of your heart that beat in rhythm with the steady pulse of silence.

               There’s a sudden, yet oddly familiar, knock on the door leading to the corridor, and your heart jumps into your chest as you silently slide out of bed and make your way across the floor. It’s cold, and you can feel the draft from some unseen vent blowing wisps of chilled air against the top of your bare feet. You don’t even take a moment to pause as you put your hand on the doorknob and open it, knowing that you would find Kylo there. He’s there, standing there in his full armor, his mask just the same as you remembered, but the corridor outside the room was pitch black and he might as well have just been standing on nothing, suspended in the darkness. You allow him inside and shut the door quickly, taking a few steps back but never turning your back on him, just like you used to.

               “You allowed me in,” he says softly, his voice rumbling with the familiar distortion, and you cross your arms uncomfortably over your chest. There had never been a time when you had denied him access to this room, and you honestly weren’t really all that anxious to see what would happen if you did.

               “If we’re going to talk, take off the helmet,” you tell him. “You know that was always my rule when we were in here.”

               “So it was.” He complies immediately, unlocking the mechanism at the helmet’s base as he drops it to the floor with a clunk. If you’re not mistaken, he looks a bit more unsure than he had in your previous visions, and you decide to make a blind grab for the upper hand.

               “You seem rattled,” you say, keeping your voice level. “I’m guessing their strike must have been a success.”

               Kylo’s dark eyes flash for a moment, and suddenly you wonder if that was maybe the wrong thing to say. “You were in on it?”

               “No,” you say quickly. “No, I overhead some information; I just knew it was happening, not any details.” He seems almost disappointed by this, and you idly wonder if he wanted to use you as a double agent to weigh in on the Resistance. You knew right then that you would have never agreed to that, no matter what he promised.

               Instead, you try to change the subject. “Why are you here?”

               Now it’s his turn to look surprised. “You called out to me,” he says softly. “I could feel you wanting me.”

               You hesitate and try to think back. You had been drinking and talking to Ladson about Poe, about training, about stuff on the base, but your thoughts had never specifically touched on Kylo, which, granted, was a bit of a change. Could it be you were finally getting over him? Or had you pressed that part of yourself down into the back of your conscious where it was subtly still yearning for him without your conscious recognition? In the end, you supposed it didn’t really matter either way; it seemed you were bound to him regardless, especially considering the fact that you could apparently conjure him just by falling asleep.

               “I want to find you,” you say at last, making a final decision. “Tell me where you are.” You hear a small voice in the back of your head, urging you on, and you decide to listen to it. “Ani misses you. He wants to see you.”

               Kylo hesitates for a moment, watching you closely. “You didn’t seem so resolved before.”

               “Because I was trying to do the best I could for Ani,” you tell him. “Not for me, but Ani really misses you. He needs you; he needs his father.”

               Kylo appraises you, studying your face, trying to determine if the conviction in your voice is genuine or just an altered façade. “And you?”

               You bite your lip nervously, blushing as you look away. You wanted him. It almost fucking killed you to admit it, but there was a part of you that truly was bonded to him, a part of you that would never be able to give him up. “I love you,” you whisper without looking at him, and you can’t hide how defeated you sound. At least there was a bit of honesty in that.

               Kylo takes a few steps towards you and brushes your cheek gently with the back of his gloved hand. Slowly, he tilts up your chin with one finger, forcing you to meet his eyes as he says your name. “I love you too.” It’s more than you can take, and you decide to just give in to it. You kiss him back, your hands tangling in his hair as he pushes you back onto the bed, pushing his large frame down over yours. You groan and wrap your legs around his waist as you buck your hips up into him. He kisses your neck, and you roll your head back to give him better access as he plants a row of fervent kisses across your jaw line.

               You grab his face in both hands and force his lips to yours, kissing him intensely. Right now your mind feels slightly numbed, and you know that the alcohol you drank earlier is still buzzing around in your brain, helping you rationalize whatever this is. But you don’t want to rationalize it. You don’t know how much of your thoughts he’d be able to read, and so you don’t think, you just let yourself be overwhelmed with your repressed emotions, letting your mind drift back to the place before you knew all of the awful things he had done.

               “I meant what I said to you,” you say urgently, whispering against his lips. “Remember when we were in your room, on your bed together, back on base? Remember how I told you I don’t care what sorts of terrible things you’ve done as long as you treat me well? That’s still true. I still want to be with you.”

               For a moment Kylo looks like you just slapped him, as he just sits above you in stunned silence. “Do you mean that?”

               “Yes.” The word is off your lips in a rush, and Kylo kisses you back now, urgently, taking off his gloves as his warm hands find their way underneath your shirt as he runs his fingertips across your bare skin. Your entire body cries out for him as you roll your head back, pounding your hips up into his, desperate for contact. Kylo looks like he’s about to take things one step forward, when suddenly he stops and turns his head to the side, as if he’s listening for something.

               “I have to go.”

               “ _No._ ” If he had doubted your sincerity before, this time it was clearly genuine. He just offers you a sad smile as he takes your head in both hands and kisses your forehead.

               “This is your test,” he tells you urgently, looking imploringly into your eyes. “The General of the Resistance knows where I am. Get her to tell you my location, take Ani, and come to me.”

               “Wait,” you say quickly, grabbing hold of one of his hands to prevent him from leaving. “Why do I need _her_ to tell me? Why can’t you just tell me where you are now?”

               His lip quirks upwards into a smile, and when he speaks again, it’s with a voice you’ve never heard him use before. “That way news of your betrayal will sting so much more.”

               Your jaw drops slightly, but he doesn’t give you time to process any more of a reaction. He holds both hands against the side of your face as he presses his lips into yours, kissing you firmly.

               “Do this for me,” he says as he pulls away. “And then we can be together. I promise.”

               Your eyes blink open, and you shake your head as if to clear it. No, that was wrong, all wrong. He was not _your_ Kylo anymore, if he ever was. That voice that he had spoken with hadn’t been his at all. It belonged to some darker side of him, and although you didn’t know how much he was simply playing with you and how much he meant, you had to find out. You quickly slide out of bed and get dressed as the conversation plays itself over and over again in your mind. He wouldn’t have promised you anything, either. He knew how much you despised promises; you had reminded him to stop making empty promises to you at least a dozen times before it finally sank in; it’s why the last time you had seen him, he hadn’t actually promised to return to you as he left. Had it been a slip, or had he truly forgotten? Either way, it didn’t matter. It felt good enough when he was touching your skin, when his lips were pressed firmly against yours, that still felt good and familiar, but after these past few years, you could sense it; he was not the same Kylo anymore. He wasn’t yours anymore, if he ever had been in the first place.

               But that didn’t mean you didn’t want to see him.

               Ladson and Ani are still asleep, and so you quickly adjust your lightsaber in your belt as you head out the door into the corridor, closing the door as quietly as you can behind you. You hear footsteps approaching from around a corner of the narrow hall and you quickly look up in time to see Poe heading down the hall towards you.

               “Hey,” you say quickly, walking in his direction but showing no sign of slowing down. “Piloting lessons in a bit? I have to talk to Leia about something first.” You walk past him, and Poe quickly takes a few big strides to catch up to you. That’s when you realize this is the first time you had seen him since he left, and now you acted like you couldn’t even be bothered to greet him. Honestly, maybe that was for the better. You didn’t need any more drama than what Kylo had already put on your plate.

               “She sent me to get you,” he says quickly. “We’re all in the command center-“

               “Good,” you say with finality. This wasn’t something you really wanted to talk to Poe about, but suddenly you can’t help but feel at least a little bad that you were taking your current frustrations with Kylo out on Poe. It wasn’t fair to him. “I’m glad you kept your promise,” you tell him, and he just looks at you in confusion. “You came back in one piece.”  

               “I don’t believe I ever promised you that,” he replies good-naturedly. “I generally make it a rule not to make promises I know I may not be able to keep. I mean I-“

               He’s still walking and talking, but you’ve physically stopped. It honestly felt as though your heart had literally stopped beating for a moment, and your feet snap together as you process what he said, staring straight out in front of you. There was no way. There was no fucking way.

               “What?” Poe asks, stopping as he turns to face you. “What’s wrong?”

               Everything was wrong, because for at least the second time to your knowledge, Poe had said or done something that was eerily applicable to the current situation. The first time was when he had come to collect you and Ani literally the morning after you had said that you didn’t want to be on that planet anymore. Sure, maybe that had been a coincidence, but why had he voiced your same disdain for making promises only mere minutes after that helped prove to you that Kylo wasn’t who you thought he was? Granted, you had brought it up, and it was possible that you were thinking way too much into it, but that didn’t seem likely. The Force would guide you if you let it, but right now it felt like it was pulling you in two different directions, towards two totally different people.

               “Nothing,” you reply quietly as you shake your head and start to walk forward again, picking up the pace to a brisk stride. “Come on, let’s go.”

               “So do you know what she wants to see you about?” Poe asks. “She said it was urgent I get you immediately. Did something happen while I wasn’t here?”

               “You were in the middle of debriefing, right?” you ask, and Poe nods his head in the affirmative. “I think she needs my help with something.”      

               “Help?” Poe asks, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “So you’re joining the team after all?” You tilt your head and consider this, but otherwise say nothing. You were on _your_ side, and if you and the Resistance’s motives happened to go hand in hand, then that was fine by you.

               The last time you had been in the command center, it had hardly been crowded, but it was now, packed with scores of people of human and alien origin alike. Leia sees you as soon as you walk in and she immediately comes over to you, placing both hands on your upper arms.

               “I’m glad you’re here,” she says as she shakes her head. “I sensed, I don’t know-“

               “He reached out to me again,” you tell her, keeping your voice solemn to reflect the overall demeanor in the room.

               “Who?” Poe asks, but you both ignore him.

               Leia sighs, and she rubs the skin on your arms with her thumbs as she thinks. “Just tell me what I can do,” you tell her firmly.  

               “He’s running scared,” Leia confesses. “We attacked his battle group, but he managed to escape. He always seems to be one step ahead of us. As soon as we move in, he gets a head start and heads off. There are only a few major players here, and we believe we have General Hux cornered. If we can take Ren as well, we believe we can use him to find Snoke and end this once and for all.”

               “But if he keeps staying one step ahead of you…” You let your voice trail off as you realize what she wants you to do.

               “General, with all due respect-“ Poe says nervously, and you can tell by the look of surprise that crosses her face that she is not used to having him disagree with her.

               “Not your decision,” you say immediately, refusing to look at him. Leia turns to you, and a soft smile tugs at the corners of her lips. “He called out to me again,” you explain. “He wants me to take Ani and go to him.” The smile slips off her face. “He wouldn’t tell me where he is. He said you knew, that I had to find out from you.”

               “This sounds like a trap,” Poe says firmly.

               “Did he say why?” Leia asks.

               “He said that he wanted the news of my ‘betrayal’ to sting so much more,” you say softly, averting their eyes, and Leia sighs as she lets go of you. Poe is looking between you and Leia, more confused than ever, but you refuse to look at him directly.

               “How long have you been in contact with him?” Poe asks.

               “Rey was working with her to create a mental shield to keep him out,” Leia says, turning to you. “I thought it was working.”

               “It was,” you reply. “I was, uh, out of it last night, and-“ Your eyes skirt to Poe’s for a moment before looking away. True, it had been his wine, his gift, but none of you could have predicted that it would allow Kylo to get into your head. It was no one’s fault; it just _happened._

               “He seemed scared,” you add. “Nervous, not as confident as before.”

               “He has good reason to be,” Poe murmurs.

               Leia turns to you. “If you think you can do this, we’ll send you in. Do you feel comfortable navigating the Lambda shuttle yourself?”

               “I can,” you reply without a hint of hesitation in your voice. To be honest, you would probably need slightly more instruction on that, but you were sure it was nothing you couldn’t handle.

               You hear Poe’s sharp exhale from behind you. “We can’t send a child-“

               “We’re not sending Ani,” you tell him. “Just me.”

               “Commander,” Leia says firmly, gently reminding him to check himself. He just runs a hand through his hair and nods quietly.

               “I can do this,” you tell Leia. “I’ll try to distract him, disable him in some way so that next time you attack, you can capture him. If he escapes, he’ll probably take me with him. If he does, it might be possible for me to feed you his coordinates from there.”

               Leia looks down at the lightsaber in your belt. “If you go, you won’t be able to bring that with you.”

               “No weapons,” you agree. “I can tell him that I wanted to show up first, that I wanted to scope things out before I bring Ani. He’s already expecting me coming, anyway, so it’s not like I’m showing up again from out of nowhere.”

               Poe lets out a deep breath. “Okay, if you’re going to do this, we should at least think things through. What if he decides to kill you as soon as he sees you?”

               “He’s not going to kill me,” you say firmly. “I’m his best shot at getting close to Ani.”

               “And if he imprisons you?” Poe asks.

               “I’m much stronger than I was before,” you tell him. “Rey already told me about how she escaped the base, and Finn’s been teaching me how to shoot and fire a blaster. Worst case scenario? I escape and try to make it back here, or just lie low until you guys attack and make my move then.”

               “Once you go, we’ll start planning another strike,” Leia tells you. “You shouldn’t be there for more than a few days.”

               “See that?” you tell Poe. “They only starved me for about ten days last time and I managed to get through it then. I’ll be fine.” You know it’s supposed to make him feel better, but you can’t help but feel as though it had the opposite effect of what you had initially intended. “You’ve seen me fight. You know I can hold my own.”

               “One on one,” he reminds you. “You’re going to be far outnumbered-“

               You turn sharply to Leia. “You said that Hux and Kylo were separated, correct?” She nods. “What about Captain Phasma?”

               “Current whereabouts unknown,” Leia tells you. “We believe she may have been spotted on the other side of the Outer Rim, and we are currently investigating that lead.”

               “Then my only concern is Kylo Ren,” you tell him. “And I very much doubt Snoke would be with him.”

               “No,” Leia shakes her head. “No, he wouldn’t be.”

               “Then that settles it,” you tell them. “I’ll go in and distract him and try to disable him when you attack. He gets captured alive, and we all head back here to celebrate. Nice and simple.”

               Poe looks like he wants to argue, but he just gnaws on his lower lip as Leia nods her head. “We’ll give you a few days to prepare. Head down to the med bay when you can for an evaluation, and then make sure Finn gives you a little more practice with a blaster and make sure to spend more time training with Rey. He is going to try to access your thoughts, and we can’t risk you letting him in on this conversation.”

               You can’t hide a smirk as you remember how you used to practice getting inside Kylo’s head, how you used to practice simply keeping him out. “Not a problem. I can handle it.”

               She turns to Poe. “Is the fighter ready to fly yet?”

               Poe shakes his head. “Not yet, General, but the Omega command shuttle has identical controls.”

               “Good,” Leia replies. “Then train her how to dock in the command shuttle.”

Poe just nods his head in the affirmative as Leia reaches out and squeezes your arm. “You can do this,” she says. “There is strength in you; I can feel it. The First Order is weak right now, and disorganized. If we can bring him home, we might be able to end this, once and for all.”

               You incline your head in a curt nod. “I won’t let you down, General.”

               She nods at Poe before she walks off, and you turn and walk out of the command center as you hear Leia start to address everyone in the room. You know she’s probably going to fill them in on her plan to essentially use you as bait, but you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want to see the looks that you know everyone is going to give you.

               Once outside, you walk a little ways down the corridor before you lean your back against the wall, digging the heels of both hands against your forehead. Could you do this? Could you really do this? At first you thought you definitely wanted to see Kylo again, thought that maybe you could get more answers by seeing him, but suddenly you weren’t so sure you even wanted answers. Suddenly this all seemed like a terrible idea, and you almost wanted to run back inside and tell them that you had changed your mind.

               Until Poe steps out, and that hardens your resolve more than ever. You had to do this. Your affection with Poe, your secret little romance, it was cute, but in the end, that’s all it was. It was just a passing attraction, nothing serious. You had a job to do now, a duty to the Resistance, and you couldn’t let your childish affections get in the way of that. “Come to tell me to back out now?” you ask as he approaches you, pulling yourself back into a standing position.

               “No,” Poe says firmly. “I came out here to make sure that you were okay.”

               You feel off balance for a moment, but it’s so brief you can barely be sure you felt anything at all. “I’m totally okay. Why wouldn’t I be?” Poe gives you a dubious look, and you shake your head. “I’m the only one who can do this, so don’t try to talk me out of it.”

               “I’m not,” Poe says, and you look up at him. “I know you’re strong enough to handle yourself, and I know nothing I say is going to keep you from doing this.” He shakes his head. “The General is right. If we capture him, we may be able to finally put a stop to the First Order.”  

               You take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Ironic that the person who wanted no part in this war to begin with might be the one who ends up finishing it.”

               He studies your face. “You can do this.” You let out a small disgruntled snort as you look away from him, but he reaches out and places a hand on your upper arm, holding you securely. “No, I mean it. You can do this. I know this can’t be easy for you, but you agreed to do it without hesitation. You have my confidence, and my respect.”

               That should have probably meant a lot coming from the Commander of the Starfighter Corps himself, but for some reason you just can’t see him that way. You never have. Nevertheless, you let a blush creep over your cheeks as you look back up at him. “Well, it’s good to know you’re not worried about me at all.”

               He looks taken aback. “Just because you have my support doesn’t mean I’m not worried about you,” he says. “I still don’t want to see anything happen to you.”

               You bite your lip, the wheels churning in your mind as you process his tone, and you decide to take it one step further. “Are you concerned about me?”

               “Of course,” he cracks a grin, and in the back of your mind you’re expecting him to follow it up with _because that’s what friends do for each other._ But it doesn’t come. Maybe it was supposed to be implied, you’re not sure, but suddenly you realize there is a very real possibility that you may not actually make it out of this alive.

               You hesitate for a moment as the advice that Ladson had given you floats back into your mind. _Stop looking towards the future and start living in the now._ At the time, that advice had simply been in regards to waiting around your entire life for Kylo Ren to come back, but now the situation had changed. Now you definitely were going to see Kylo Ren again, and you weren’t sure you wanted to. Now you may have been opening yourself up to the fact that there was something else you wanted, someone else you wanted, and you didn’t know how to deal with that on top of your impending mission.

               Your eyes meet Poe’s and you make a sudden decision. You didn’t want to think about the fact that there was a very real possibility that you could die, but there was, however, the idea that you wouldn’t feel the same way about Poe when you got back. Your crush had filled you with a sudden giddy rush of excitement every time you heard his name, and honestly, you didn’t want that exuberant feeling to end. You wanted to float in the limbo of what _could_ be, drawing it out for as long as possible, until the eventual became the inevitable. But you would be going, and soon, and you couldn’t help but think that your time with the Resistance might seriously be coming to an end. If that was the case, it was best to make the most of it before your life was irreparably changed forever.

_If it was eventually going to happen anyway, I might as well just do it now._

You reach forward and put a hand on either side of his face, not allowing yourself time to think, or doubt, as you press your lips firmly against his. You don’t give him time to react. You count to three in your head, quickly, before you drop your hands, turn on your heel, and literally run in the other direction, your arms pumping at your sides, as you run as fast as you can away from Poe and the possible future with him that was slipping away from you.

               But what were you running towards? You hadn’t the slightest idea.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And boom, it's finally happened, and it only took nineteen chapters for shit to hit the fan. xD To be honest, this whole chapter just fucking kills me because it's not about Poe, and it's not even about Kylo: she needs this because she needs to do this for herself, because the first time she was on the Starkiller Base she had been manipulated by B and the Resistance into being there in the first place, and now she's subconsciously trying reclaim _something_ by putting herself in that sort of danger again, except this time it's by her choice. I think there's really something to that, like people who constantly put themselves in a pattern of the same bad situations without realizing it because they're trying to get that sense of control back that they lost the first time, and it's almost sort of weird to take this Reader who was originally based on me and my experiences and watch her grow into a character in her own right and do things that I definitely wouldn't (aw, hell, maybe I would too, hopefully I'll never be forced into her position where I'd have to find out!) But damn...I just want to give the Reader a hug and tell her that everything will be okay and she will get through this and her story will have a happy ending. No promises, though. ;)


	20. Chapter 20

               Word of your _bravery_ spread around base quickly, although that wasn’t the word you would really choose to describe it. You avoided Poe, and although you were going to have to see again at some point to go over flight schematics before you left, you figured that could wait until another day. That day, you took the time to make your way down to the med bay, although you didn’t know exactly what you were really doing there. You supposed they just wanted to make sure you were in peak physical condition, although there was really no concern that you were in anything but. You definitely weren’t pregnant, if that’s what they were worried about, and aside from that you had always been in more or less good health.

               And so you sat in a room in the med bay on a long bed, waiting for some kind of medical personnel to show up, kicking your feet back and forth over the edge. The bed itself was made out of some course green fabric with a thin, flimsy sheet pulled over it, and overall didn’t seem very comfortable. Everything in the room was white, from the floors to the ceilings to the cabinets that lined a small metal sink, which, of course drew your attention to every stray spot or stain or speck of dirt that resided on its surface. You knew that the base had never really focused on cleanliness, but you felt that at least they could have made more of an effort in this room, surely? Idly you scoot backwards so that you can look down at the floor past your feet and try to pick up the streaks of dirt on the floor. Of course it was entirely possible that some people didn’t wipe their shoes when they walked in, but you couldn’t help but wonder how much of it was blood that had dripped and hardened and dried onto the surface of the tiles until it no longer looked a crimson red, but was now a diminished dusty brown that could easily just be mistaken for dirt.

               You hear your name as the door opens up a crack, and your ears immediately perk up at attention, although the doctor waits for a moment before opening the door fully. She’s looking down at something written on a clipboard, and you impatiently kick your feet in the air as she hovers in the doorway. This room was making you more or less uncomfortable, and you wanted to get out of there as soon as possible so you could take a shower and wash what may have been dried blood particles from under the soles of your boots.

               “Hi, I’m Doctor Qail,” she says, and you can immediately tell from her accent that she’s from Coruscant. She has the longest, sleekest, straightest, jet black hair that you’ve ever seen, held back behind her in a simple ponytail. It trailed all the way down her back, just past the edge of her butt, and you hoped that she at least tied that thing back a little better when she was working on patients. The last thing you wanted was a long black hair sticking out of a surgical suture.

               “Hi, I’m-“ You realize that she’s already said your name, and so you just shut your mouth and shake your head. “Nevermind.”

               “Distracted?” she asks, and you arch an eyebrow as you purse your lips together. Not that you didn’t trust doctors, but, well, you didn’t really trust doctors. Next thing you knew, she was going to say that your less than adequate social cues were a sign of some sort of degenerative mental disease, and she was going to forbid you from going on this mission. You couldn’t let that happen.

               “General Organa wanted me to come here,” you tell her as she comes into the room and sets the clipboard down on a counter next to the sink.

               “Yes, I got her note,” she says as she rummages around for something in a drawer. “She wanted me to make sure that you had another BC regulator implant inserted.” You throw your head back and laugh, a hearty, genuine laugh that comes from your diaphragm, and you laugh so hard that your eyes are almost brimming with tears by the time you stop. She just watches you with one hand on her hip and one eyebrow arched, waiting for you to control yourself. “Have you had one of these installed previously?”

               “Yes,” you tell her, wiping at the corner of your lip with the edge of your thumbnail. “That’s how I got pregnant with my son.”

               “I see,” she purses her lips and looks down at whatever is written. “What have you been using in the meantime then?”

               “Uh…” You scratch at your nose with the back of one hand, trying to think. “Well, when I first got back they removed it and just gave me a bunch of injections that I had to keep getting every six months, but then after a while I just sort of, I don’t know, stopped.”

               “Why did you stop?” she asks, as if she genuinely wants to know. “Were you trying to get pregnant again?”

               “I wasn’t having sex,” you tell her as plainly as you can manage. You may not have known much about birth control in general, but you did know that you couldn’t get pregnant without having sex. It wasn’t as though the Force could just flat out stick a fetus in your womb, could it?

               “Well,” the doctor says as she straightens her shoulders. “I’m sure your previous doctor encouraged you to continue to stay on the injections, even if you weren’t sexually active. It’s important to keep the hormone levels in your body consistent-“

               “Sure thing,” you say quickly. You didn’t want to be here any longer than you had to be, and you weren’t quick to get a lecture on what you could have done. Your academia had a small medical facility, but it wasn’t actually equipped with doctors who really knew what they were doing. They did the best with what they had, sure, and could provide you with something if you needed it, but they didn’t exactly go above and beyond to provide you with the latest and greatest in medical care.

               “Are you comfortable getting the BC regulator implant reinserted?” she asks, and you just shrug before you nod your head reluctantly. “If you’re worried about it failing again, I wouldn’t be,” she explains. “The technology that we have in medical care gets better every year, and this model is less likely to fail than the previous version you had installed before, and is much more effective than the injections you had been receiving.”

               “I don’t think outdated technology is the reason why it failed the last time,” you mutter under your breath. No matter what injections they gave you or what technological mechanisms they installed in your body, they weren’t going to be completely Force-proof, but then again, she probably didn’t know that.

               “Now there are going to be a few side effects,” Doctor Qail continued. “There’s going to be a welt at the injection site, but that should heal within a few days, and we’ll give you a topical agent in order to help reduce the swelling, but the area will be sensitive and you’ll probably feel some pain there.” She glances back at the clipboard, and you can’t imagine what’s written there that’s so fucking fascinating. “Now, there’s also the possibility that you’re going to feel nauseous over the next few days, and it’s not at all unusual to experience swings between extreme cravings and not feeling hungry at all. It’s going to take some time for the hormones to readjust in your system, so be prepared to feel cranky, or irritable, while-“

               _Cranky? Irritable?_ You shake your head as you roll your eyes. “Just stick it in me.” She arches an eyebrow as she shakes her head, but you don’t really need her judgement right now. “Hey, you got orders from the General herself, right?” you ask. “She wants it in, it’s going in, so the side effects don’t really matter; you’re just wasting your time. Just-“ You shake your head. “Let’s just get this over with.”

               “Fine by me,” she says, and she walks out of the room for a moment, leaving the door open. You start to wonder where she was going and if you should have followed her out when she re-emerges a minute later, followed by a silver humanoid medical droid. It didn’t even turn to look at you as it pushed a tray of tools out in front of it.

               “Lie down and take off your pants,” she tells you, and you blow air out through your nose as you did what she said in the opposite order, taking off your pants and tossing them onto the possibly blood-stained floor before you laid down on the flimsy sheet, trying to keep your bare buttocks as centered on as much of the sheet as possible. Not that you were a hundred percent certain that the sheet itself was clean, but it was probably a lot cleaner than the fabric of the bed, which had probably never been changed or washed since it was installed in that room.

               “Right or left?” the doctor asks, hovering above you, and you look down at yourself. It had been on your left side before, and although it had failed, you still felt it had probably less to do with the technology and more to do with the Force, so it didn’t really matter which side it was installed on.

               “Uh, left,” you say as you rub the left side of your thigh where it had been previously. You look up at her to make sure she’s watching you rub the spot where you want it installed, making sure that she was looking at _your_ left and not _her_ left. Not that it really mattered, but if she was giving you the choice, you didn’t want her to make a mistake. Not that you didn’t trust her, but you didn’t like doctors. Or the fact that her hair was that long and flowing freely behind you while she was about to carve into your tender flesh.

               She pulls on a pair of rubber gloves from out of a drawer and comes around to the other side of the bed while the droid steps up beside the tray, hovering over you like a giant metal exoskeleton. “Umm,” you say, turning back to her as you ignore the droid. “My previous clinic didn’t exactly have a lot of droids, we just had a human doctor do everything. Is he going to, uh, do everything?”

               “Yup,” the doctor replies, and you weren’t really sure whether to ask whether that was a good thing or not. You wanted to ask if its robotic hands were at least clean, but you didn’t want to insult the thing and have it stick a scalpel straight through your leg in rebuke. “Now,” the doctor says as she spreads some thick, mucus-yellow, foul-smelling cream over the area that you indicated earlier. “This is a topical numbing agent, it’s going to reduce some of the pain while he operates, but it’s still probably going to hurt a fair bit. You’re probably not going to feel the incision, but you will feel the implant being inserted.”

               “Great,” you huff through your nose, and for some reason you feel like you’re about to give birth all over again, as she positions your legs at a wide angle.

               “Do you meditate?” the doctor asks. “Sometimes it helps people who meditate to find their happy place and go there.” Your happy place was out of this room, as far away from this part of the base as you could possibly get, but you don’t tell her that. “Or some people like to talk, would you prefer to talk?”

               “Sure,” you tell her as you see the robot pick up a small scalpel. “Let’s talk.” The doctor watches him but takes a few steps back towards the head of the bed, so you can crane your neck to look at her and not what the robot is doing. Nevertheless, you hear him emit a short beep so you turn to look at him, and that’s when you feel the doctor stick a syringe into the side of your hip. You cry out and throw your head back into the bump of a headrest in the bed, grimacing in pain. “What the _fuck_ was that for?”

               “Numbing agent,” she explains. “So you won’t kick.” You can feel a strange tingling sensation spread through your leg almost instantly, and you grimace as you watch the robot get closer and closer to your skin with that scalpel. You hoped none of that weird goop on your leg would wind up inside you. “Up at me,” the doctor says, tilting your chin upwards as she guides your face up to look at her, and you swore that if she touched your face again that you were going to literally bite her hand off.

               “So you want to talk, let’s talk,” you say. “Does General Organa usually ask you to stick BC regulator implants in people on the regular, or is this a first for you?”

               She just smiles good-naturedly. “I think you know that I’m unable to discuss the-“

               “Confidentiality, right,” you say. You snuck a peek down at yourself, and quickly looked back up, not liking what you saw. At least you didn’t _feel_ anything right then, and you quickly kept yourself talking to get your heart rate under control. “You know, I know all about confidentiality. I was an interpreter for quite a while. Had to keep our mouths shut about everything.” You feel a tightening inside of your leg, and you screw your face up in pain as you let out a long exhale through your mouth. “Except, you know, when we didn’t. Around each other. Then we talked about fucking everything. You doctors are the same way, right? You’ve got your favorite patients and you’re not so favorites, you probably talk about everyone once they’re out of earshot?”

               “Hmm,” the doctor says, but she looks more invested in what the droid is doing than anything you have to say. You know that’s probably a good thing, but you can’t help but be irked by it nonetheless.

               “Just makes me wonder,” you say loudly. “What you’ll say about me when I’m out of here. Going to tell people that I had a BC regulator implant installed before heading off on a top secret mission? That’s-“ You grimace. “I’m sure-“ You squirm. “Going to be a hot-“ You let out a deep breath and your voice sounds squeezed as you finish your sentence. “- _topic of conversation._ ”

               “Confidentiality,” she says, although at this point you’re pretty sure she’s saying it just to say it. You’re not sure why she asked if you wanted to talk when you were the one saying everything, so you just closed your eyes and tried to meditate. You couldn’t, because you really didn’t want to, and although you wanted to look, you could _feel_ it inside your skin, and it was unpleasant and disgusting and quite frankly it made you more than just a little bit angry that you even needed one of these freaking things in the first place. If women had to get a chip installed, surely they had to make one for the men, right? Not that you’d ever think Kylo would agree to such a thing, but you hated the fact that you were just sort of expected to get one, while he-

               “Stop tensing,” she orders, and you let out a long groan as you try to relax your shoulders. Honestly, you felt like you were wasting time here, time that could be better spent doing anything, anything else. You would have rather sat and listened to Ani bang on the drums for three hours straight than be here. You would have rather scrubbed the entire base from top to bottom, starting with the command center and finishing with this dirty blood-streaked floor before you would have done this again.

               “We almost done?” you ask hastily, rolling your neck from one side to another.

               “Got somewhere to be?” she asks, raising her eyebrows.

               “As a matter of fact, I do,” you say, and you almost want to get up and kick your legs off the table, but before you do, you prop yourself up on your elbows to get a good look at your thigh. You get a look, you get a good, long look, and you feel lightheaded for a moment as you lie back down on the table. Suddenly you wished that Ladson was there, holding your hand to distract you from it. He would probably be cracking jokes about it for weeks, and then threatening to tell jokes to other people about it for months, but at least he could help you get over it. Sadie had been there the first time you had one installed, and she had simply sat by your side and squeezed your hand through the whole thing, never once looking away as they cut you open, and it was _you_ who had to be the one comforting _her_ as her fingers trembled and shook her in your sweating palms.

               But Sadie wasn’t here now, and you wondered how she was doing. Good, you hoped, although part of you was almost glad she wasn’t here. If she had, you had more than a vague inclination that she probably would have run after Poe, and that thought didn’t exactly make you jealous, but you could say that you didn’t like how you felt when you thought about it. Sadie was, for all intents and purposes, beautiful, and, beyond that, she was normal. She liked to cook, and sew, and care and provide for other people. You had your weird Force thing. You had a staff and a lightsaber and you spent your days trying to figure out how to meditate and shoot a blaster and pilot a ship. And now, of course, you were getting a BC regulator implant installed in your thigh before going off on some top secret mission to seduce and capture the enemy, who was your old ex-lover.

               What the _hell_ did Poe even see in you, anyway? You couldn’t think about that, didn’t want to think about it, especially not here, and of course that brought your mind around to wondering how Poe would have reacted if he _was_ here, squeezing your hand while a robot was digging into your upper thigh. Would he make jokes about it to try to make you laugh? Would he be curiously silent and supportive, just running his warm hands over your knuckles? You doubted he knew what it was or why they were installing it, and that wasn’t exactly a conversation you had with him, so you mentally blew the mental image of him holding your hand away from you, watching the image of him scatter like particles of sand in a breeze.

               Whatever, it was like you had told him before, you had yourself, and that was enough. If anything, you had kissed him and then run away. He hadn’t tried to stop you. He hadn’t run after you. Part of you didn’t know if that was because he had to get back inside for Leia’s debriefing, or if he just thought that you could use your space, or if maybe he thought that _you_ thought that kissing him had been a mistake. Part of you thought it was, no, knew it was, but another part of you didn’t exactly care. It was too much, too confusing, too overwhelming, and the feeling of mechanical tools rummaging around _inside your leg_ was just making you uncomfortable, and frustrated, and angry, and no amount of Rey’s Force training or meditating was helping the pain go away, so you decided to focus on it, focus on the pain, focus on the discomfort, and let that fuel you.

               You felt your fingertips starting to itch, and for some reason, you wanted to fight someone, anyone, do anything you could to release this strained, tense sensation as the muscles in your upper arms begged for release. You weren’t quite sure what exactly was happening, but suddenly you hated feeling this way, hated the uncertainty, hated the lack of control, and almost none of it had to do with Kylo Ren. You didn’t know what was going to happen when you stepped foot on that base, but worse, you didn’t know what would happen when you got back. You felt a sharp jolt of sensation suddenly, a brief tug, and instead of pulling away from it, you tried to center yourself on the painful, throbbing sensation. Did Poe like you, did he not like you, and why the fuck did you _care?_ For a brief moment, you regretted it, regretting everything, regretted meeting him, and Kylo, and B, and Sadie and everything that had ever happened in the span of your short, miserable existence. Maybe if your mother hadn’t died and your father hadn’t been a miserable drunken shit, you wouldn’t have had to put up with all of this in the first place.

               You scoff to yourself as you exhale a deep breath and close your eyes. That was weird. It was a weird thing to say, a weird thing to think, and utterly bizarre in the fact that you had never actually really thought that way before. What the hell was happening to you? Part of you wanted to blame it on whatever drugs she had kicked into your system, stirring up unpleasant thoughts that had no place being in your brain. You weren’t sure, but you could still feel the anger running through you, making your blood thick. You could feel your resentment making you twitchy, making you aggressive, and you were focusing on your pain in order to help bolster these feelings, letting them simmer underneath your skin. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe you shouldn’t do this after all. You had trained so hard and learned so much, but if you couldn’t even control your ire while you were getting something jammed underneath your skin, how were you going to be able to handle Kylo Ren?

               You could do this, you told yourself, and as an image of Poe flashed in the back of your mind, it suddenly helped make everything a heck of a lot clearer. You were attracted to him, yes, but it wasn’t that simple. He had overwhelming confidence in you, he _always_ had overwhelming confidence in you, it seemed, from the day he had very first met you. You had knocked him out and yet he had given you that night to pack and figure things out. You wouldn’t have done that. If the situation had been reversed, you would have fully expected him to run off under the cover of darkness and you would have spent the whole night camped outside, lying in wait for his inevitable betrayal. But no, Poe saw the best in you, even though that was probably because he saw the best in people, in general, and before you knew it, your anger had dissipated as quickly as it had flared and you were left with this stunning sense of clarity that you only usually achieved while you were meditating. You never doubted yourself when you were around him, and you always felt like your best self when he was sitting right beside you. Even when you felt unsure or nervous while you were piloting, he was always giving you his support and talked you through it so you _felt_ like you knew what you were doing, felt like you were in control, even when you didn’t really know what was going on. And right now, you didn’t really know what was going on. You didn’t know what you were getting into, and you were starting to be afraid that you couldn’t do this yourself after all.

               You honestly would have preferred the irrational, hostile level of anger that you had achieved earlier over the debilitating sense of fear that you were experiencing now, but at least now you had some idea of what to do and who to talk to about it. Your friends had always been there for you in the past, and although they couldn’t physically go on this mission with you, there was no reason that they couldn’t support you any less than they had been all along.

               “All done,” Doctor Qail finally says, and you sit up as the medical droid backs away. “How do you feel?”

               “Fine,” you say, and you’re surprised to find that you mean it, even though you can see the red welt on your thigh, an unsightly bright red lump that seemed to rise out of the surface of your skin. It was still covered with that disgusting-looking goop, only this time, you could see the angry red line of bacta fusing where your skin had been rejoined. “Can I put my pants on now?”

               “Hold on,” Doctor Qail says. “I’m going to bandage that up first so it doesn’t get irritated by the lining of your pants.”

               “Oh,” you say. You hadn’t thought about that, and stayed silent as you checked your attitude. Most of your confusing, overwhelming emotions were quickly fading with what you probably assumed to be weakness from whatever drugs she had probably pumped you with, as you saw the hole of a second needle on your upper thigh that you had not seen, or felt, her inject. You didn’t want to think about it. You just didn’t want to be here, in this room, anymore. “Am I going to have to come back to get this checked?”

               “Nope,” she replies as she covers the area with a thick pad of gauze. “The bacta will dissolve on its own, and the rest of it should take care of itself. The swelling will be gone in a few days, although the redness might last for a bit longer. It’s normal to feel sensitivity or soreness in the area, that should go away on its own, but if after a few days it feels hot to the touch, come see me, especially if it starts to pus.”

               You can’t help but let your jaw drop in distaste as you look away, imagining that yellow goop seething out of the ends of your incision. The whole mental image was just too gross for words, and you didn’t want to think about it anymore. In fact, you didn’t want to think about the fact that you had a BC regulator implant in your thigh ever, ever again. It was there now, and hopefully it would heal up before you went out on your mission so that would be one less thing you had to worry about.

               The droid began spraying something as you headed out of the med bay, and secretly you hoped that everything that had transpired back in that room would remain confidential. You had no way of knowing for sure, of course, but you sure as hell hoped so. You knew that people had learned that you were going in to help capture Kylo Ren, but you didn’t think they knew what exactly that entailed. Maybe they assumed it, you sure would have, but you couldn’t concern yourself with what other people were thinking. In either case, as long as you did your job well, it was hardly their business. As long as you captured Kylo Ren alive, with minimal risk to you and everyone else, then your methods didn’t matter.

               The only thing that mattered was that you got the job done, with minimal risk to you, and everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha, so fun story, this chapter was actually a lot longer. I actually had the reader get fed up with the doctor and install the implant into her own thigh and do surgery on herself, channeling her pain to make her stronger ( >.> ) but one person was really grossed out by it and we decided it was unnecessary and we didn't want to gross everyone out, so we just cut the whole thing and tried to work it in another way. PS: Is it clear I don't like doctors? I really don't like doctors. xD


	21. Chapter 21

               That same day, Finn greeted you at the blasting range with a hug, wrapping his arms around you as he pulled you into a firm embrace. “You sure you can do this?” he asks you, and you just shake your head, trying to ignore the crippling pain that was still emanating from your thigh. It made you feel weak, and that was the last thing you wanted to feel right now. Not only that, but you were determined to conceal that feeling from everyone else. If they saw that you were weak after having such a little thing as a BC regulator implant installed in your thigh, then how could they expect you to be strong enough to face Kylo Ren and live to talk about it?

               “Please,” you say as you pull away, punching his shoulder in an effort to prove your strength. “Have you even met me? Remember I’m the one who kicked your ass the first day we met.”

               Finn just shakes his head as he grins and lets out a little laugh. “How does Poe feel about this?”

               “Poe?” you demand, your eyes widening in surprise. “He told you? What did he tell you?”

               “No, I-“ He stops talking as he stops and stares at you, and you bite your lip as you shake your head from side to side.

               “What?” you ask quietly, although you can’t help but feel that your reaction has stupidly given you away.

               “You-“ Finn turns away and then turns back to you suddenly, punching one arm into the air at his side. “I _knew_ it.”

               “You don’t know anything,” you tell him nervously, shuffling from foot to foot as Finn just laughs victoriously. “No, there’s nothing to know.”

               “I saw you,” Finn says quickly, his words spilling out of him in a rush. “In the mess hall. I saw you sitting on his lap while you were talking to that big green dude.”

               “A Tortutaru,” you tell him, making the name sign for Taro’s brother on your bicep. Even still, you can’t hide your blush, and Finn inhales a large breath of air.

               “You did something, didn’t you?” he asks, and he seems genuinely more excited about the prospect of your relationship with Poe than you are. “I knew it, I freaking _knew it_.”

               “Nothing to know,” you say loudly, although right now your face is so red it’s practically crimson. You shuffle awkwardly on your feet while Finn cracks up in front of you, and you wait until he’s calmed down a little bit before you make the straightest face you can muster. “Nothing happened,” you repeat firmly.

               “Sure,” Finn says. “Then why is your face so red?”

               “I-“ You brush a strand of hair behind your ear as you cross your arms over your chest. “What did Poe tell you?”

               Finn shakes his head. “We haven’t talked about you specifically in a while, but he did say that you were a sweet girl.”

               “Sweet girl?” you exclaim, your hands clenching into fists as you throw your arms out by your sides. “What does that mean?”

               “I don’t know,” Finn shrugs. “We were just talking about you and he said he thought you were a sweet girl. Like I said, it was a while back. Obviously things have changed since then.”

               You puff air into your cheeks and then let it out slowly. “Fine. We-“ You wave your hand dramatically into the air in front of you. “-kissed.” Finn lets out a cheer, and you hold your hand to stop him. “Wait. I mean, I kissed him. And then I sort of, ran away.”

               Finn drops his arms to his sides as he stares at you incredulously. “Seriously?”

               “It was an intense moment,” you whisper excitedly, not trusting your voice to go any higher than your current volume.

                “So what did he say to you?” Finn asks, tilting his head to the side curiously.

               “I’ve been avoiding him,” you admit softly, rubbing the skin on your upper arm uncomfortably. You look down as Finn lets out a breath.

               “My advice?” he asks, his demeanor suddenly turning serious. “Talk to him. Figure this whole thing out before you leave. Don’t leave things a mess when you don’t know the next time you’ll see him again.”

               “I know,” you say quickly. “I mean, I’m going to have to see him again to go over last minute flight maneuvers before I leave, I just-“ You hesitate, tugging nervously on a stray strand of hair. “I don’t know, like I said, it was an intense in the moment sort of thing. I just hope I didn’t, like, offend him or something. I don’t know how he felt about it.”

               “Well, there’s only one way to find that out,” Finn says. “But first-“ He picks up a blaster pistol and turns it over in his hands. “We need to train you so that you can handle whatever the First Order throws your way.”

               He turns to the shelves along the back wall and yells. “Hey, Pete! Wake up, we have work to do.” From the shelf, you see a short skeletal-looking droid, only about a meter tall, jump off and land next to Finn with a cackle before looking you up and down with its single eye on its oversized disk-like head and giving you a rough thumbs-up. The thing would haunt your nightmares for the rest of your life, you were sure of it. “This is Pete, the crazy maintenance droid I told you about before, although his technical classification is DUM-PIT. He was originally made to work on podracer engines, but it turns out it’s really easy to teach him how to do other things, like maintenance and blaster combat.”

               As if on cue, Pete walks over to the blaster racks and picks out a full-size blaster rifle, turning it over in his mechanical hands and inspecting it before shouldering it with a small nod. The image of such a small creepy-looking droid carrying that large of a weapon is just too much for you and you can’t help but emit a small laugh of pure terror. In response, the droid hits the selector switch and fires two training shots into the ceiling. Your jaw slams shut with a click, and he makes a small twisting motion near the rim of his head with his claw-like left hand, and you could have sworn it was the Tortuarune sign for _serious._

Your eyes go wide as you turn back to Finn. “Was that what I think it was?”

               Finn looks confused for a moment before he nods his head. “Oh, yeah, sorry about that, I forgot. Servo never built proper vocorders for the DUM line, so all they can usually do is cackle and whistle if they don’t have a data transmitter, but they’re capable of picking up meaningful gestures and basic vocabularies in some sign languages. Pete picked up some Tortuarune from the Tortutaru when they trained here, before I ever arrived.”

               Out of the corner of your eye, you see Pete look at his left hand as if there was a watch there, before he started pinching his claws together in rapid succession, making small metallic clanks as he did so. _Stop talking, let’s go._ You silently wondered if Taro had ever met this droid, and what he would have thought of him, but Pete suddenly lets out a loud, eerie whine that freezes all of your thoughts as he walks towards the door to the arena. “We can take a hint,” Finn yells after it, as you and he grab your pistols and follow after the crazy little droid.

               As Finn teaches you some close-combat maneuvers with a blaster pistol against Pete, you couldn’t help but think that he had brought up Poe simply as a distraction to keep you from becoming too overwhelmed by what you were about to undertake. And, you supposed, it was a bit necessary. You had at first reflected on your task with humor and a mild sense of apathy, _So what? You guys won’t miss me, I barely do anything on this base, anyway! Think about all the free time you’ll have after I’m gone!_ but the truth was that you didn’t want to let yourself think about it. Your relationship with Poe was trivial by comparison to everything else that was going on. Although you had at first wanted to just get answers about your relationship with Kylo Ren, almost as a way of moving on and finding peace with yourself, there was no doubt that if you could pull this off, you could help end the _war_. Obviously the conflict would still go on, but if they had Ren, and Rey or Luke or maybe even you, were able to get the whereabouts of Snoke out of him, you could maybe end the First Order once and for all. There would probably be a power vacuum left in its place for some other evil to fill, but that was a future problem, and you hoped that future problem would not involve Kylo Ren or Poe or you or any of your friends.

               Still, it was a problem if you were thinking about Ani’s future. He could be a fantastic resource to the Resistance if the war did continue on, learning how to fly, learning to shoot and fight, learning to use his Force abilities to his fullest potential, but you didn’t know if that was the sort of life he wanted to have. It certainly made sense for him to grow up in that direction if that’s all he was exposed to, and true, he would have a lot of friends and support here, but you wanted him to feel comfortable to go out into the galaxy and make his own choices as to where he would eventually end up, not stay here because of a misplaced sense of obligation to the Resistance.

               But again, that was a future problem, and if Poe had failed in his mission to destroy the Starkiller Base, then there wouldn’t have even been a D’Qar here to begin with and you would have never even met the guy, or Ani’s grandmother. In fact, you probably would have been back at your academia right now, still waiting for Kylo Ren to return, without any knowledge of his past or the awful things he had done. Therefore, any and all hypotheticals should just be left off the table, out of your mind, so that you could focus on the present, which, of course, led your mind right back to Poe. Thinking it over, there was something oddly symbolic in the fact that you had developed feelings for Poe, especially considering that _he_ was the one who fired the final shot to destroy the Starkiller Base. It was like he had taken the one place where you had felt truly attached to Kylo, truly loved him, and Poe had blown it up so that there was no tangible proof that the place where you and Kylo had bonded had ever existed. And, come to think of it, it was also Poe that had come to your academia in order to pick you up, to take you back to the Resistance. It was almost as if he had figuratively blown up your old life and guided you to a new one, shepherding you and Ani and hell, even Ladson, into a safer place.

               The thought, while it may have contained a small nugget of truth, was so ridiculous and trite that it made you laugh, and put you in good spirits before you went off to meet Rey. You knew you would have to sober up around her, because you would be working to perfect your mental shield today, and you would have to work extra hard to make sure that she would not see that kiss with Poe. You didn’t really mind if she happened to see it, but you knew Kylo would be searching your mind for whatever he could soon, and you knew that it was much easier to call up emotionally charged events. Your time spent with Poe was about as emotionally charged as you could get, and so if you could stop Kylo from seeing those memories, then you knew there was no chance of him seeing anything else you didn’t want him to see.

               But as you enter the Green Room that day, your contented mood is quickly quelled by Rey. Not that she was doing it intentionally, but you could literally feel the stress that she was emanating from her spot on the floor as she tried to meditate. “I’m going to be fine,” you tell her as you walk across the stones and plop down across from her.

               “Are you?” Rey asks as she tilts her head to the side. It’s a genuine question; you can hear it in her tone. She wants a real answer.

               “I think I am,” you tell her after a moment. “I think I can do this. I know that I’m doing this for the Resistance and I’m doing this to help end the war, but part of me honestly wants to see him again to put all of these doubts to rest once and for all.”

               “As to whether he loved you?” Rey asks, and while you shrug uncomfortably at her directness, a small part of you does appreciate it. You were walking into a lion’s den, and she wanted to make sure you were well aware that the friendly little cub that you had come to know now had claws and teeth. He was capable of hurting you now.

               “As to whether I loved him,” you tell her. “And whether I still do.”

               She tilts her head to the side, picking up a new emotion from you, and she blushes as she looks away, a slight grin on her face. “Your energy shifted. There’s someone else, isn’t there?”

               You just sigh and shake out your arms. “And if you want to see who, you’re going to have to come in my head and get it.” She lets out a little laugh, and you shake your head. “I’m serious. I need to make sure _that_ stays away from Kylo at all costs.”

               She immediately stops laughing as her face turns serious. “That’s fair.” She puts both fingertips on either side of your temple and pushes as hard as she can. You’re not expecting it, and a quick glimpse shoots through your mind as you physically jerk your head away from her.

               “Not ready,” you say quickly. “How much of that did you see?”

               Rey rolls her eyes dramatically and smiles. “Lucky for you, I _felt_ something but didn’t see anything. Make sure to keep everything about it hidden, what you’ve seen, what you’ve heard, and what you’ve felt. You don’t want him to pick up on anything.”

               “Right,” you say. “I’m ready now.”

               She just shakes her head. “And do you think he’s going to ask you if you’re ready?”

               “No,” you tell her. “But I’m comfortable around you. I’m not going to let myself get that comfortable around him.” She gives you a look, and you pinch the bridge of your nose as you bow your head. “Not what I meant. I mean, I am _prepared_ to do whatever I have to do to keep him distracted, but uh, you know…” You let your voice trail off and she just nods her head.

               “Let’s try again,” she says. You take a deep breath and her fingertips go back to your temples as she gives a strong mental push. This time, you think about Taro. About the wall he had built in your head, and you pretend that you are in a room with glowing white walls that are lit by natural sunlight, even though there are no windows around to provide it. It’s calm in the room, quiet, much like the Green Room, the air filled with a sense of warmth that is pleasant, but not overbearing. The wall might in reality only have been a shield for you to dismantle at your whim, but you can see it there, standing in front of you, sealing yourself off from whatever lay beyond. In this case, it was only Rey, but either way, you don’t allow yourself to feel scared. You take your fear and push it away from you, picturing it just flowing through your pores and out of your skin, imagining it making its way out of you. You had no fear of pain here, or death, or anything that would befall you in this state. You completely detach yourself from all physical senses, and it’s not until you feel Rey jabbing into your shoulder that you open your eyes.

               “I’m impressed,” Rey says as she leans back. “I didn’t get in.”

               “Were you trying really hard?” you ask, and Rey shrugs.

               “Mind probing isn’t particularly one of my strengths,” she admits. She holds up her hands, palms facing you, and you slip your hands in hers, intertwining your fingers. “But you? You need to stay strong.” She closes her eyes and you do the same, focusing on her energy. “Feel the strength of the Force within you. Feel its strength.” You do, you can even more so with her energy connecting to yours. She squeezes your hands and you open your eyes and look up at her.

               Rey is smiling, letting her expression tell you that she has the uttermost confidence in you. “Let my strength become your strength,” she says firmly. “Whenever it gets too much, or you ever become afraid or unsure or overwhelmed, just close your eyes and remember this. Remember that I’m right here and let yourself feel my energy.”

               “Your strength is my strength,” you repeat firmly. You close your eyes again and picture her face in your mind, smiling at you, feeling the warmth of her hands and the brush of the soft skin of her fingers against the back of your hands. You try to memorize all of it, every detail, every sensation, as closely as you can, making sure it is real and vivid in your mind as you repeat that mantra to yourself over and over again. “Your strength is my strength.”

               She waits for you to finally open your eyes again before she releases your hands from hers. “By the way-“ She waves her hand in front of your face. “Stand up.”

               You blink and shake your head. “Why-?”

               She laughs and shakes her head. “I believe I’ve yet to teach you this. It’s called a mind trick. The Force can have a strong influence on the weak minded; it’s how I escaped last time. I just told a guard to release my restraints and he did.”

               “Then what was that hand wave thing?” you ask. “I don’t remember you using that on the guard, considering you were restrained and all.”

               “It helps,” Rey explains. “Is how it was explained to me, but as long as your will is strong enough, it should work.” She pauses. “Remember, though, that this will not work on Ren, but it’s worth knowing about, should you need to use it.”

               “Hopefully I won’t,” you tell her. “But it’s good to know what I’m capable of. I’m trying to go in there without a plan and see what happens. I don’t know how smart that is, but I don’t know what to expect, so I’m going to just be ready to think on my feet. It’s what saved me the last time.”

               “Trust yourself,” Rey says seriously. “I know you have in the past. You can feel the Force guiding you. Trust it.”       

               You nod your head. “You got any other helpful advice for me?”

               Rey pauses as she thinks for a second. “I think it would help if you gathered some more positive energy,” she tells you. “Happy thoughts, you know, to keep yourself strong. To have something to look forward to when you get back.”

               You tilt your head to the side. “What do you have in mind?”

               “Well, you could kiss Poe again,” she says thoughtfully, and you hit your hands against your knees with a resounding smack.

               “I thought you said you couldn’t see anything,” you exclaim while Rey just throws back her head and laughs, much like Finn had done.

               “It’s _obvious_ ,” she tells you, a satisfied smirk settling on her lips.

               You just roll your eyes. “Did he say anything? Or did you pick up anything from him?” Rey just smirks at you, making it clear she had no intention of answering you. “Fine,” you tell her. “But you don’t think it makes things more complicated with Kylo Ren?”

               She tilts her head to the side as her brow furrows. “Shouldn’t this make it easier?”

               You practically gape at her. “No,” you laugh. “Not at all.”

               Rey just shakes her head. “I am certain that you will be able to figure things out in time and do the best you can, for you.”

               “And for Ani,” you say firmly, nodding your head. “By the way, have you heard any more of a plan as to how you’re going to actually capture Kylo Ren? Like if I hear shit is going down I can try to disable him, but I wouldn’t know where to actually go with him.”

               “I’ll be there,” she says firmly. “Everyone will be. We know how important this mission is, and we’re not going home without the both of you.” 

               “Fantastic,” you breathe. “No pressure.” 

               Rey just shakes her head again as she smiles at you. “You’re going to do fine. I believe in you. We all do.”

               Everyone, as it turned out, except for Ladson. Apparently Ani had been giving him hell all day, and you were starting to wonder if Ani’s Force sensitive abilities were starting to develop quicker than you had expected. You hadn’t really explained anything to him quite yet, besides the fact that he would someday have the same kind of mastery over the Force that you had, but he always seemed out of sorts whenever someone else was distressed, as if he was picking up on their emotional impressions. You didn’t know at what age he was supposed to be trained, but you figured you could always ask Rey about that after you got back: one problem at a time.

               When you got back to your room that night, Ladson had already tucked Ani into bed and put him to sleep, and then sat you down across the couch to give his own, inspiring pep talk that would surely give you the courage and confidence that you needed to get through this. “I don’t think you should go.”

               You just laugh and shake your head, not sure what to say to that. “I mean, I appreciate your concern-“

               “Think about Ani,” Ladson says firmly. “What happens if you don’t come back?”

               “But I am coming back,” you say, keeping your voice steady. “I got out of there before.”

               Ladson bites his lip and looks away for a moment. “I’m worried about what’s going to happen to you,” he says at length. You start to talk, but he holds up a hand to stop you. “I don’t know what’s going on between you and Poe, really, but I know for a fact that you’re still in love with Kylo Ren, whether because of how you feel or because of the Force grip-“

               “Force bond,” you correct him.

               “Doesn’t matter,” he says. “Because he has a hold on you that you can’t shake and I’m worried you’re not going to come back. I’m worried that he’s going to convince you to run off with him-“

               “Ani is here,” you say as firmly as you possibly can, accentuating each syllable. “I am not going to leave him.”

               “Where are you going?” You see Ani standing in the doorway, rubbing his eye sleepily with one tiny hand.

               “Hey kiddo,” you say quietly as he walks over to you. “Don’t worry about it. Mommy’s just going away for a few days on a super special mission.”

               He rests his chin against the side of your leg as he looks up at you. “How long will you be gone for?”

               You smile as you run your hand through his hair. “Not that long, just a few days.”

               He just shrugs. “Okay.” He turns around to look at Ladson and rubs his eyes again.

               “Hey, you sleepy?” you ask gently. “Why don’t we put you back to bed, huh?”

               He just makes some sort of whine of dissent far back in his throat, but you stay in your seat as you curiously watch him turn around and take small steps back into his bedroom regardless. “See?” you tell him. “That should have been your reaction.”

               Ladson shakes his head. “The rest of them don’t know, they weren’t there. Rey may have gotten inside your head, but that doesn’t mean she lived through what you went through. You have to do this all on your own.”

               “Just like before,” you tell him. “Before the Resistance used me to get close to Kylo Ren without my knowledge. This time, it’s my choice. I know what I’m getting into.”

               “Look,” Ladson says softly. “I understand what you’re doing, okay? Believe me, I do.”

               “And what am I doing?” you ask skeptically, crossing your arms over your chest as you slump back in your chair.

               “You’re trying to take back control,” Ladson tells you. “You were manipulated the first time, so now you feel like if you can go back there under your own terms, it evens things out.”

               You just shake your head and laugh as you run your thumb along your bottom lip. “I mean, maybe?” you shrug. “Maybe I’m going there because I want answers. Maybe I’m going there because I still am in love with him. None of that matters. I have to think outside of me for a minute. There is a war going on-“

               “And you have _never_ cared about that before,” Ladson insists. “You have never cared about this war before, or any of the people that Kylo Ren has killed. So why this time, huh?” He leans forward. “Is it Poe, is that why? He’s the hot Commander pilot fighting for truth and justice and you think you can impress him if you join up with the Resistance? Show him you want to fight for the same side?”

               “This has nothing to do with him,” you snap, because it’s true. It doesn’t, and quite frankly, the notion is insulting. “I’m thinking about Ani. About the life that he could have if this war is over. Sure, there may be another conflict to take its place, but maybe that can be out of his lifetime.” Now it’s your turn to lean forward. “We were brought here to protect him from Snoke. If we grab Kylo now, we can take out Snoke and then we can end _everything_. No more war, Ani is safe, and-“

               “And Kylo?” Ladson asks, raising his eyebrows. “Then what happens to him? You watch him get executed for war crimes? You’re really going to sit back and watch them execute the person you’re so in love with?”

               “It’s not my concern,” you tell him. “And anyway, I don’t know if I still love him. He’s not the same person that he was-“

               “But if he is?” Ladson presses. “If he’s nice to you and treats you just as well as you remember?”

               “It doesn’t matter,” you say firmly. “I know what he’s done now, and I can’t forgive him for it.”

               Ladson just shakes his head like he’s disgusted with you. “Yes, you can, and the sad part is I don’t even blame you for that. You’re trying so hard to fit in here; you’re riding on the coattails of how everyone else feels about him. You need to figure out how you feel.”

               “I know how I-“

               “You don’t,” Ladson insists. “I just need you to promise me that if you get back, when this whole thing is over, that I’m not going to lose you. I have watched you pine over him for five whole fucking years, and within the course of a few months, suddenly you’re just going to hand him over? I’m sorry if I don’t believe it. If you, and I really mean if _you_ decide that it’s not going to work out anymore, then that’s fine, but I don’t think I really believe it, I’m sorry, I don’t.”

               “I kissed Poe,” you tell him, your face practically deadpan.

               “And it wasn’t really the same, was it?” Ladson asks, as if you proved his point.

               “It’s not going to be the same,” you sigh and shake your head. “He’s a different person and the situation is entirely different. Look, I’m going to do the best I can-“

               “For you?” Ladson asks. “Not for the Resistance?”

               “For me,” you confirm. “Not for the Resistance, and not for Poe, not for anyone else.”

               “I don’t know if I believe that,” Ladson says as he spreads his hands. “But that’s for you to figure out yourself. If you can’t forgive him for all of the things he’s done, then that’s fine, and it’s understandable, but I can’t stand watching you hate him just because everyone else does, as if you think it gives you some moral high ground. If you love him, people are going to judge you for it, and yeah, it’s going to suck, especially when you don’t know what’s going to happen to him, but wouldn’t you rather have people judge you for being authentic and genuine and honest with them instead of just trying to hide and deny what you really feel?”

               “The problem is I don’t know how I really feel,” you admit. “I mean, part of me wants to still care about Kylo. I still feel drawn to him in a way that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to shake, but I do honestly feel something for Poe, I just don’t know how to describe it.” You sigh as you scratch the back of your arm uncomfortably. “I mean, like it or not, I’m going on this mission, so I guess all we can do is wait and see how this whole thing plays out.”

               “Get to bed,” Ladson sighs, gesturing to the doorway. “I think I drank too much tonight. I don’t know. Just be smart about whatever it is you’re getting into.” As he stands up, you step forward and embrace him in a tight hug.

               “I know you’re worried, but everything’s going to be okay,” you tell him. He just nods and claps you on the shoulder before he pulls away, heading back to his room. You sigh as you turn around and slowly drag your feet back into your own room. In truth, he should have been the one that was saying that to you, but it couldn’t be helped. He was giving you a healthy dose of objective honesty, and while a part of you did appreciate that, a part of you also needed his blind, unconditional support that you could do anything and everything you set your mind to, as unhelpfully unrealistic as you knew that notion was. You pull yourself onto the bed and roll over onto your side.

               “Shield up,” you mutter under your breath as you fall into a quick and dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I've said it once, I'll say it again, Ladson = <3 Also if you're curious as to what Pete looks like and why he will forever haunt my nightmares (some people think he's cute, I think he's kinda creepy, especially something that small holding a big blaster gun) check out his Wookieepedia page by clicking [here.](http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/DUM-series_pit_droid)
> 
> And I've finally cranked out that drunk Kylo prompt that I've been sitting on all week. I've been super busy with work and packing and cleaning (ew. no.) so it's basically crack, so just a heads up. One of my friends did laugh so hard she cried though, so if it sounds like something you're interested in, you can click [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/141212255037/prompt-do-you-think-you-could-pretty-please-do) to read it!!
> 
> PS: I used to tease people that Chapter 23 was THE chapter of the story, but some things happened, stuff got pushed back, I added in some new stuff, and ironically, "new" Chapter 23 is...still the highlight of the story. ^_^ It's based off an awesome prompt my friends came up with while we were watching a movie together and it was too good not to put in. Really, no, this chapter is everything. *setting the bar, setting the bar...* Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	22. Chapter 22

               You feel strangely alert as you jump out of bed the next morning. You feel like you should be tired, but you’re not. You get dressed slowly and methodically into your jumpsuit, your brain surprisingly quiet, although you weren’t quite sure if that was because you were worried about your upcoming mission to capture Kylo Ren, or if it was because you were going to see Poe again very, very soon. Fully dressed, you sit on the armchair of the living room couch for what seems like almost an hour, letting your thoughts just drift idly through your mind, before you hear the familiar knock on the door.

               You get up and open it immediately, looking up at Poe without any hint of awkwardness or reserve. “Hey,” you say quickly as you shut the door behind you. “Ready to go?”

               “Always am,” he replies, and you walk down the empty corridor side by side. Your face is completely impassive, as is his, giving nothing away. Maybe you both were going to forget that the kiss ever happened? You knew Rey and Finn had been encouraging it, but at the same time, you weren’t sure if they really realized the extent of your feelings for Kylo Ren like Ladson did. You just couldn’t really be sure of how you felt about anything or anyone right now.   

               “So what are we working on today?” you ask after a pause that stretches on for far too long.

               “Well, I think docking would probably be a good bet,” Poe replies. “I don’t think the First Order would be too happy with you if you crashed into their hangar.”

               “Yeah,” you say with a small laugh. “So does this mean that we’re going to be staying in atmosphere again?”

               “Yeah,” Poe replies. “There’s a mockup of a Star Destroyer hangar entrance we use for practice sessions about thirty clicks west.”

               “Sounds good,” you reply simply, and you’re beginning to think he wants to forget about the kiss entirely as you settle into the transport shuttle that you will be piloting to the First Order’s Star Destroyer.

               You had just made yourself comfortable in the co-pilot’s seat when Poe taps you on the shoulder. “Oh no, if you’re flying this thing yourself, you get to sit in the captain’s chair.”

               You sigh and obediently slide over into the seat that Poe usually commanded. You buckle yourself in and turn to him, waiting for instructions. “Oh, don’t look at me,” Poe says, holding up his hands. “You’re the one that’s going to have to fly there, so I hope you know what you’re doing.”

               You grumble something low in your throat as your eyes scan the console in front of you, taking in all of the knobs and switches that you had seen Poe press before you had switched seats. “All right,” you say with finality, turning to him. “I can do this just fine.”

               Poe cracks a grin as he leans back in his chair. “All right, prove it then.”

               You noted that the control scheme for the Omega shuttle was a bit different than the Lambda you had started with, but not by much. The main difference you were aware of was that the flight and thruster controls felt much smoother. To your left was a panel almost identical to the one on the _Ascension_ , minus the row of four reactor control buttons, but the console’s knobs and switches were rearranged significantly. Where the _Ascension’_ s console switches had seemed haphazard and chaotically arranged, these were neatly aligned and grouped by their various functions and labeled accordingly, with the notable addition of a hyperdrive system, shield generators, and what looked to be onboard weapons. Confident you knew where everything was, you turned back to Poe.

               “Okay, so one question,” you say slowly. “What’s this training mockup called? If I’m going to get flight clearance around it from Control, I need a name.”

               Poe raises his eyebrows, clearly impressed, but you just look away, not wanting him to catch you blushing. “We call it the _Resurgent-_ Class Rock, but officially it’s called the Bombing Range. You’ll understand both names once you see it.”

               You just tilt your head to the side in thanks as you turn to the comlink. “Control, this is Moonstaff, commanding shuttle _Dolomus_ , requesting clearance for departure through Alpha and subsequent flight operations in the vicinity of the Bombing Range.”

               “Moonstaff, you’re cleared for Alpha. Opening doors now, and Tracking has been instructed to disregard your maneuvers.”

               As the corresponding stripe begins flashing, you disengage the inertial lock and flip up the automatic control switch. The shuttle smoothly glides along the line and out the door into the clearing. After the wings unfolded, the switch automatically flipped back down. _That’s helpful._ Thinking back to your first flight with Poe, you pull the flight stick outward and the shuttle smoothly rises in response. Once you’re above the tree line, you level off and look over to Poe. “Course?”

               “From here, it’s 273.3,” Poe tells you.

               You power up the engines and race away from the clearing, turning the shuttle until the directional heading along the bottom of your flight screen read ‘273.3W.’ After a few minutes, you could see a huge wedge-shaped rock formation ahead, topped with a few boulders at the base of the wedge. As you circled around it, you spotted a large rectangular cave entrance on the other side, with heavily scorched duracrete shapes on either side that looked vaguely like turbolasers. Suddenly you realize that this looks like it was vaguely made to resemble a First Order Star Destroyer. You could see why it was called the Bombing Range, though, as the rock and the ground all around it was littered with bomb craters. You stop the shuttle some distance away from the rock formation and hover the shuttle, waiting for further instructions.

               “See that cave?” Poe asks you. “The opening is about the size of the hangar entrance on _Resurgent_ -class Star Destroyers, which is what you’ll probably have to dock in. As you can see, we use it extensively for fighter targeting since hangars are one of the weak points in any capital carrier. Honestly, since you won’t technically be flying according to any official First Order directive, they probably won’t let you dock under your own power and just capture you with a tractor beam. Just in case they give you clearance, though, let’s practice docking maneuvers. All shipboard hangars are equipped with kinetic containment shields, both to keep atmosphere inside and missiles and the like outside. Anything moving faster than a few meters per second is denied passage and deflected, so to pass through the shield, you have to cut the engines once you’re close and creep into the hangar on repulsor power only.”

               He turns and looks at the cave, positioning as if to continue his explanation before he pauses suddenly, his brow creasing in confusion. “Wait a minute.” Poe presses the button to activate the comlink, not looking at you. “Control, Black Leader here.”

               “Black Leader, I read you.”

               “Control, we’re going to need the hangar containment shield for this exercise. How long will you need to bring it up?”

               “Black Leader, we’re powering it up now but it’ll take a minute since you haven’t had a hangar attack drill in a while now.”

               “All right, Control, just let me know when it’s at full power.”

               “Roger, Black Leader.”

               As you watch, the rim of the cave entrance begins to glow red, then gets steadily brighter as it changes from red to white, eventually holding steady at a brilliant, shimmering gleam that is almost painful to look at.

               “Shield is at full power, Black Leader, but we’re showing a faulty shield governor here. Fire a test shot so we can determine if it’s just a stuck emitter.”

               “Roger, Control. Arming for low-power pulse.” He turns to you quickly. “Just need to take control for a second.”

               “By all means,” you murmur, not really knowing what the heck was going on but not wanting to seem stupid by default.

               On his console, he flips a switch guard and turns the weapon mode switch to _Armed-Low Power._ The cockpit lighting dims and is replaced with a dull, red glow as you feel the control sticks change shape under your hands, with a button on each top and a trigger on each forward edge. In front of you, the edges of the cockpit windows have filled with streams of numbers and other data, and there is an active tactical targeting system occupying the center of each. You take your hands off the controls and hold them in the air, signaling to Poe that he has control without saying anything. Poe positions the shuttle so that the containment shield has been selected as the target.

               “Control, firing test shot in 3…2…1…” He pulls the right trigger and you see a large green bolt streak from somewhere to the right of the cockpit and rebound off the shield into the ground as the suddenly visible shield covering the entrance flares white.

               “That fixed it, Black Leader, all governors read nominal, you may proceed with exercise.”

               “Roger, Control, securing from combat.”

               He turns the switch back to _Secured_ and relocks it, deactivating the tactical displays on the window and restoring normal lighting in the cockpit. Looking down at the control sticks, you see that the weapons triggers have retreated and the controls have returned to their familiar shape.

               “She’s all yours, Moonstaff,” Poe says, his voice suddenly all-business. “Bring us up close to the shield, then it’s just like I said. The shield is conservative to account for all designs, so you’ll have to pass through at two meters per second or less. Power down once you’re inside, since in a real hangar you’re ionizing valuable atmosphere every extra second you stay running.”

               “You got it, Black Leader,” you mutter under your breath, slightly disappointed. The cocky swagger that usually seeped through his words was suddenly gone, replaced with a much more seasoned, sober demeanor that you figured probably usually accompanied his rank. He was no longer Poe, now he was Black Leader, Commander of the Squadron Corps for the Resistance, and you were just, well, you, the person who once thought that being Kylo Ren’s inamorata gave you rank.

               Determined to prove that he hadn’t wasted his time by training you, you placed your hands back on the control sticks and pushed the shuttle forward, quickly closing the distance to the entrance. As you got closer, you pulled back halfway on the engine trim lever and then pulled it outward, cutting off engine power. As the shuttle coasted to a stop outside the cave’s huge entrance, you turned the repulsor automatic control switch on the console to _Manual Bypass._ You pushed forward slowly on the left stick and watched the speed indicator on the console screen as the shuttle inched towards the entrance. Once it read _1.5 m/s_ you held the stick there, and as the shuttle nose hit the plane of the shield, you felt the shuttle subtly slow down, as if it was suddenly pushing through gelatin.

               Once you’ve passed completely through the shield, you bring the shuttle to a stop and switch the repulsor automatic control back to _Normal_ and proceed to flip through the console screen until you find the landing gear. You press _Deploy,_ and on the screen you watch as the shuttle outline showed the landing gear deploying and the two outer wings folding back to their upright positions. Once they were in place, you slowly push the left stick in, lowering the shuttle until you felt the small jolt that indicated you had landed.

               Out of habit, you turn to the panel to press the first button in the reactor row, but it’s not there. You flip through a few pages on the console screen before you find it, on a page labelled _System Power._ Conveniently, there was a large button labelled _Rapid Shipboard Shutdown._ You press it, and the shuttle outline immediately turns red as you hear the hum of the reactor suddenly cut out underneath you. On the screen, you see a warning message flashing, _Backup Cooling active, do not secure Main Breakers_ , and somewhere outside the shuttle you can hear hissing sounds as a thin cloud of what you supposed was vented coolant formed outside the shuttle windows.

               “Okay,” you say, letting out a deep breath as you clap your hands together. “We’ve landed and I’ve figured out how to power down the ship. Should we head back now?”

               “Not quite,” Poe says, as he adjusts himself in his chair, and it takes you a moment before the realization sinks in that you’ve been lured out here in a quite secluded area on a ship that you’re not entirely sure you can figure out how to start up again. You were going to be out here for as long as Poe wanted to be out here, and it suddenly dawned on you that there was probably a reason for that.

               “Oh no, we’re going to have the _talk_ , aren’t we?” you ask, blushing furiously as you turn your head away from him. At least you never had to talk to Kylo. You communicated in purely physical terms, and occasionally gave him the long-winded emotional speech when the situation called for it, but you never really had a dialogue about your relationship and what it meant, although, to be fair, maybe you would have had a lot less questions if you had.

               “No talk,” Poe says with a light chuckle. “I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry about anything, that’s all.”

               You turn back to him as you bite your lip. “Okay, that sounds vaguely foreboding.”

               “We’re at war right now,” Poe explains. “There’s no good time for romance during a war.” You tilt your head to the side as you consider this. “Plus you’ll be headed off soon, headed back to him. Take some time to figure things out. I’ll still be here when you get back.”

               You just shake your head from side to side. What were you even supposed to say to that? “Poe, that’s-“ But you don’t know what to say, not really. What were you supposed to tell him? That it wasn’t fair to him? Argue that you didn’t really feel anything for Kylo Ren? Insist that this wouldn’t work out anyway, because he was far too sweet, for too good for the likes of you? Maybe, if you were lucky, this shuttle would explode right now and save you the trouble of having to dissect and reanalyze this conversation tonight.

               “Take some time,” he repeats firmly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

               You can feel frustration bubbling inside of you. He was being far too understanding, far too considerate, and you didn’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve any of it, not when you were secretly looking forward to seeing Kylo again, even though you knew there was an overwhelming possibility that he was a completely different person than the one you fell in love with. Slowly, you roll your eyes back in Poe’s direction. You _felt_ something for him, that much was true, and maybe the pull to him wasn’t as strong, but…

               A sudden thought occurs to you, slams in to you like a brick to the forehead. “Will you kiss me again?” you ask with only a tiny hint of urgency in your voice. “Right here? Right now?”

               Poe just smirks as he gets up and you unbuckle yourself quickly as you follow him into the back of the transport shuttle. All of the chairs inside are narrow with stiff arm rests, so you just stand in the middle of the shuttle and wrap your arms around his neck as you kiss him. Hands planted firmly on your waist, he kisses you back with soft, gentle kisses that are completely unlike anything you’ve ever experienced before. He hovers his lips above yours and then pulls away slightly before he presses his lips against yours again with a slight pucker. It’s a tender movement, and it should feel nice, but if anything you can’t help but feel irritated by it. It was too nice, too slow, and you wanted _more._ Poe pulls back with a slight chuckle, and that’s when you suddenly realize that he’s teasing you, holding back on purpose. _Bastard._ “This working for you?”

               “No.” You put your hands on both shoulders and push him down to the floor of the shuttle, wasting no time as you climb into his lap and wrap both legs around his waist. Your mouth grabs his in an open-mouthed kiss and he grabs your face with both hands as his tongue flicks against yours. You moan into his open mouth and nip into his bottom lip as you pull away from him, slowly, dragging it out as you go. “Better.”

               Poe just laughs as he uses one hand to brush the hair out of your face and leans forward to kiss you again. You wind your arms around him, one arm hanging languidly over his shoulder while the other one fists in his hair as you kiss him, maneuvering him so that you can kiss him the way you want to kiss him. Poe responds to it, one hand firmly planted on your neck so that he can stroke the edge of your jaw with his thumb, the other running up and down your side over the thick fabric of the jumpsuit.

               _This wasn’t bad_ , you decided. This was good, and had the potential to get better. Somehow you doubted that he would bite you so hard that your tender skin tore and bled, doubted he would squeeze you so hard it would leave a bruise, doubted he would leave purple and red marks up and down your neck to prove that you were his, but that didn’t mean it wouldn’t be good. It would be different, surely, but it didn’t mean you wouldn’t be as happy with him as you had been with Kylo.

               In fact, being with him could open up whole new possibilities. There were probably other things he could teach you besides piloting, things he knew that were still evaded your skill set. Somehow you doubted it, but maybe he knew how to cook? That was something that you had always wanted to learn, and okay, you didn’t exactly have your own kitchen here, but that was a valuable survival skill, wasn’t it? And didn’t Rey tell you that he had brought her all sorts of plants and flowers from other planets for her Green Room? Maybe he knew something about the vegetation of different planets, about herbalism, maybe? That could be interesting, and then he could also take you to all of these different planets, take you around the galaxy so you could visit the different planets that you had only read about.

               Of course, then you could also teach him different languages and how to communicate on all of these planets. He had wanted to learn Tortuarune for you, heck, he had already started learning it for you, and you could help him, teach him to be as fluent as you were until you could have whole secret conversations back and forth in front of Rey and Finn that they wouldn’t be privy to. He had already probably been trained to use a blaster, but you didn’t know how good he was at sparring, or fighting, or hand to hand combat. Maybe you could find something that you could fashion into a staff so that the both of you could spar, and then you could be the one who sat on the couch with Ani while he and Ladson battled it out. And then maybe once your piloting lessons were over, when you had learned as much as he could teach you, he could take Ani and teach him how to be a pilot, and together you could teach him to be as self-reliant as you strived to be.

               You weren’t sure if it was supposed to be this way, if you were supposed to be making a list of the pros and cons to being with him while you kissed him. Was that what normal people thought about? Did normal people make a set of pros and cons to figure out if they wanted to get involved with someone, or did they just jump in headfirst and let the details sort themselves out later, like you did with Kylo? To be fair, this situation was much, much different: not only were you in a completely different setting, but you were also a different person from the one who had been with Kylo several years ago, and Poe and Kylo were both very different people.

               Although, were they though? Were they, really? They were both extremely confident people, and while Kylo used his confidence to intimidate others, Poe used his confidence to try to help them. They were both headstrong, a bit proud, and could even be a bit impatient at times, although you had to admit that Kylo far surpassed Poe in that area. It was like they shared some similar personality traits but existed on opposite ends of the spectrum, Kylo using his talents to hurt, and Poe using his to help. They were both attractive, confident people who were sure of themselves, and following that logic, it only made good sense that you felt something for both of them.

               The one main difference here was that Poe lacked something that Kylo had a firm mastery of: The Force, and that made things both complicated and easier at the same time. You _felt_ something for Poe, and the pull to him didn’t feel as strong as the pull towards Kylo, but maybe that was only because Poe didn’t really have a sensitivity to the Force. What if you were only attracted to Kylo because of his Force sensitivity, and it had been pulling you toward someone of a kindred nature in order to help awaken your dormant Force abilities? What if the only reason you were attracted to Kylo was because the potential of the Force inside of you reacted to his power, and created a bond so enthralling that you didn’t dare question it or try to break away? If that was the case, then you could never be sure if what you felt for Kylo was absolutely genuine, and you would always be wondering if it was simply the Force that made you yearn for him, and nothing more.

               Everyone had some small degree of Force sensitivity inside of them, considering that the Force was essential to life, but Poe’s was so low that you couldn’t even really feel it, so you couldn’t say that it was the Force that attracted you to him at all. That meant that whatever you felt towards him, whatever magnetism, whatever pull, was coming from you and you alone. It was coming purely from whatever feelings you had for him, and you could be sure that there was nothing otherworldly intervening in your emotions. It meant that what you felt for Poe would probably never be as strong as what you felt for Kylo, but at least you could be sure that it was coming from you and not some weird Force bond that you had inadvertently created.

               And Poe was patient, and kind, and sweet, and _good_ ; that was something that you had picked up on immediately, whether through the Force or your own intuition. He was pure at heart. He wanted to help people, saw the goodness in them, and wanted to care for them, selflessly. On one hand, it made you almost want to be better yourself, but on the other hand, it made you resent him, just a little bit. Leia had been quick to point out the darkness in you, and even though you had trained with Rey and made great strides with her, your lightsaber was still amber, reflecting both the light and the darkness in you. Whether you had been irreparably tainted by your Force bond with Kylo, you couldn’t say, but you would never be able to achieve the light that Poe had, just as you would never be able to surrender to the darkness as Kylo had. You would be caught in the middle, of course, until you made a choice.

               And whether you wanted to admit to it or not, the time to make a choice was coming, very, very soon.

               Eventually Poe slides back from you a little ways, lifting his hand slightly to brush your cheek with his thumb. “That was fun, but we need to be getting back soon or they’re going to start wondering where we went.”

               “I’m pretty sure they can figure it out,” you tell him. “Apparently it’s _obvious_.” You mimic Rey’s accent teasingly, and Poe laughs as you scramble off of him regardless. You reach down a hand and help pull him to his feet, and you stand there, hands linked, not quite sure what to say.

               “You know, you never did show me that sunset,” you tell him as you make your way back to the pilot’s seat.

               Poe just chuckles. “I’ll make sure you see it before you leave.”

               “Oh yeah?” you ask teasingly.

               “It’s a promise,” Poe replies with a wink, and you turn to him, screwing up your face, while Poe just laughs. “I don’t mind making promises if I know I can definitely keep them.”

               You just laugh as you shake your head. “I guess we’ll see, then.”

               As you headed back towards the Resistance base, you couldn’t help but think about Kylo. About Poe. About whether you really belonged with Kylo Ren and the First Order or on the Resistance base with Poe or with Sadie back at your old academia or on another planet entirely. As much as you wanted to know what the future had in store for you, Ladson was right, there was no way to know for sure.

               _I guess we’ll see, then._

_I guess we’ll see._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to get in some deep introspective thoughts before tomorrow's chapter. It's a bit long, but it's pretty action-based so there's no way I'm splitting it up into two parts. What has our reader learned? What strengths has she developed? Has she really completed her training? Tomorrow, she is going to be put to the ultimate test...


	23. Chapter 23

               “Where are we going?” you ask suspiciously as you head down the hall with Ladson. Ani is sitting on his shoulders, surprisingly quiet, although he can’t conceal the excited, childish grin on his face that tells you that something is up.

               “I already told you,” Ladson says levelly. “It’s a surprise. We thought it would be a good idea to help get your mind off everything. It was Leia’s idea, I think.”

               “How many times am I going to have to tell people I’m fine?” you ask, pulling your hair over your left shoulder in an exasperated manner. “Seriously, you guys are going to do more harm than good constantly checking to make sure I’m okay. You’re going to psyche me out.”

               “Normally I’d agree with that,” Ladson concedes. “But trust me when I say that everyone here knows you about as well as I do, I guess, considering what they have in store for you.”

               “How many times do I have to tell you people that I hate surprises?” you huff as you cross your arms over your chest.

               “I don’t know,” Ladson says with a shrug that makes Ani bounce. “You seemed to like the last one that Rey gave you.”

               “Fair,” you admit. “But I don’t think they’re about to give me another weapon before I head out. If anything, I should be meditating, trying to gain a deeper understanding of the power of the Force or something.”

               “There are other ways to do that,” Ladson says, and you tilt your head to the side as he holds the door open for you to enter the main hangar…

               …which looks like it has been transformed into some kind of miniature stadium. The usual ships have been cleared away to the edges or parked in the Alpha and Charlie clearings, and some large corvettes have been parked. There’s a small arena that has been set up in front of you, and you find yourself facing the back of three long raised rows of chairs that are set up to watch what you can only assume to be a cage match style fight. You can see all sorts of droids sitting along one side, including BB-8, and as you look through the crowd you can see the tall furry back of Chewbacca, and, not too far away from him, the wide, dark green head of Taro’s brother. You don’t have to guess who else is in attendance, as you can see the back of Leia’s hair sitting in the front row, and you know that Poe and Finn must be there too.

               You don’t have to ask where Rey is. She is standing in the middle of the arena, twirling her pale blue lightsaber around and around in her hands in wait, and as soon as she locks eyes with you, you know what you feared to be true: you weren’t going to _watch_ a fight. You _were_ the fight. “No,” you say quickly. “Oh no, no way. No way.” Rey almost literally skips over to you, and Ladson walks to take a seat with Ani as she pulls you back outside the doors.

               “What’s wrong?” she asks as she takes your hand in one of hers.

               “I do not perform well in front of an audience,” you tell her. Maybe when you had been an interpreter crowds didn’t bother you that much, or when you were teaching your self-defense classes, but that had been different. At that point, you were the expert in the room where no one could question you or your abilities. Here, you didn’t know who had seen what kind of combat training, and who would be assessing your form and your technique. “Is Luke here?”

               “Unfortunately not,” Rey admits. “But I’m sure he’s watching in his own way.”

               You don’t want to ask her what she means by that; you doubt it will make you feel better about the whole situation. “I appreciate that you’re trying to get my mind off things, but making me look like an idiot out there is not going to help things, trust me.”

               “You’re not going to look like an idiot,” she tells you firmly, squeezing your hand reassuringly. “That’s the fear talking.”

               “And so you’re doing this to, what, alleviate my fear?” you tell her. “Because I’m not afraid of being maimed, I’m afraid of looking like an idiot.” She just shakes her head as she laughs at you. “So I take it this isn’t training then? We’re doing this for real?”

               “For real,” Rey says firmly. “I know you. It might be scary now, but once we get started, you enter a whole new level of focus while we’re fighting. I really think it will help you.”

               “But the crowd-“ you whine. “Everyone’s going to be there _watching_ me. What if I look like an idiot in front of Leia and everyone?” Rey rolls her eyes and smirks as she looks back at you, and your jaw drops as your face flushes a bright red. “Okay, fine, look into my head, that’s fair. Yes, I am afraid of looking like an idiot and embarrassing myself in front of Poe, good job.”

               “I didn’t have to look inside your head for that,” Rey laughs, and you let out a whine as you spin around and kick the wall behind you. Your face was red, you were practically hyperventilating, and people inside were freaking _waiting_ for you to make a complete fool of yourself. What a fantastic way to let the Resistance know that they were in good hands by sending you to Kylo Ren: watching Rey slowly defeat you, one severed limb at a time, until there was nothing left.

               “What’s going on out here?” Poe asks, and you spin around from kicking the wall to face him, your face turning a new shade of crimson. You had never seen Poe in his officer’s dress uniform before, and you weren’t sure you wanted to, especially now. It was a black high-collared double-breasted tunic accented with blue trim at the epaulets, and the seam ran down his right shoulder, under a silver-rimmed belt, and ended at his waist on the left side, where it met his trousers. A blue stripe connected to form each outer seam, where it ended in high black boots that were shined to a polish. Under his left arm, he carried an officer’s cap with a silver starbird inset with a five-pointed star pinned to the front. On the left side of his chest he wore a rank badge, a small silver rectangle with a dominant vertical blue stripe followed by a white vertical stripe and blue chevron. Trailing down from his epaulets were blue shoulder pads inset with three small starbirds, one blue, one red, one black.

               _What the fuck._ You looked him up, down, and back up again, refusing to meet his eyes. Where was his leather jacket? Or his orange jumpsuit? This was way too official, and, quite frankly, it scared you. It also made you feel quite a few other feelings that you weren’t quite sure you wanted to let yourself open up to right at this time.  

               “She has stage fright,” Rey says, and it’s quite obvious that she’s gloating, as if this whole thing was so funny to her.

               “I don’t want to do this,” you tell her, completely ignoring Poe. Something told you that if he was dressed that officially, that there were definitely people here of high, elevated rank, and you weren’t exactly fond of people who were probably going to be looking down their nose at you. “I can still run screaming-“

               “No you won’t,” Rey says with a wink in your direction. “I’ll see you inside. Take your time, channel the Force, and come in whenever you’re ready.” She slips past Poe, who crosses his arms over his chest as he appraises you.

               “I don’t-“ you say, as you run your tongue over the corner of your upper lip, suddenly thirsty. “I don’t want to do this, okay? I am not good with, I don’t know, people.”

               Poe studies you for another moment more, gnawing on the corner of his lower lip, and you figure he was probably regretting ever kissing you in the first place. He had thought you were this strong, brave person that wasn’t afraid of anything, but the truth was that you were really a coward who was afraid of getting her ass kicked by Rey in front of all these people. Sure, it didn’t matter when you were fighting Ladson, but that was because Ladson always let you win. You didn’t know if you could win a fight when you didn’t know the stakes.

               “You’re going to do fine,” he says at length. “You just have to have confidence in yourself, remember that?”

               You just raise your fingers to your mouth and sink your teeth into the knuckle into the back of your finger. You don’t bite quite hard enough to draw blood, but at the same time, you almost wished it did. Maybe if you bit off your finger, you could call this whole thing off. “Hey,” Poe reaches for your hand and takes it, raising your inflamed knuckle to his lips as he kisses it. You blush and look away, your heart actually de-accelerating from the contact instead of speeding up like it usually did. You were your usual unkempt, disheveled self, and he was too groomed, too official, and the contact was enough to make you queasy. 

               “I’m not worried about embarrassing myself in front of you,” you tell him, quite stupidly, but once the words are in the air between you, you can’t really stuff them back into your mouth and swallow them back down.

               “Of course not,” Poe replies with his signature grin. “You’re just out here, mentally preparing.”

               “To lose,” you blurt out, unable to help yourself, and for once Poe has the decency to look surprised.

               “Losing?” he asks. “You’re afraid of losing?” You just shrug uncomfortably. “No one there is expecting you to win, not against Rey,” he tells you. “She’s Luke’s protégé, and they all know what she can do. No one knows what you can do, and that’s why they’re here, to see what you’re made of before you go off, so they know they’re in good hands.”

               “So people are looking to me for inspiration?” you ask, dumbfounded. “Or are they really here because they want to make sure Leia isn’t being an idiot and sending a girl who they’ve never really heard of before on such an important mission?”

               “Something like that,” Poe says, and you can’t help but let out a heavy exhale. “Hey, you don’t have to win, just show them what you’ve learned. Try to think of it that way. You’re just co-teaching with Rey, that’s all.” You bite your lip as you look down, not quite meeting his eyes. You can feel your heart start to beat at a more normal rhythm now, and you nod your head slowly, accepting what he’s saying. Co-teaching. Just showing them what you had learned. That didn’t sound too hard. You could do that. “Does that help?”

               “Yeah,” you admit, shaking your head as if to clear it. “I think it does.”

               “Okay,” Poe says. “I thought of something else that might help, but if that did the trick-“

               “What else?” you ask, tilting your head to the side as you look up at him.

               Without warning, Poe shoves you back into the wall behind you, almost painfully, and you blink, not expecting it. Poe’s lips are on yours in a second, and you scooch your back up the wall as Poe pins you against the wall with his hips, his hands braced against your upper arms. You free your hands and wrap your arms around his neck as you kiss him back, the fingertips of one hand trailing down the back of his neck and the other twisting in his hair as you let him kiss you, really kiss you, his tongue invading your mouth in a way that was completely rough and unfamiliar, enough to throw you off balance to make you think of him and the way he was kissing you and nothing but.

               “Are you ready yet-?”

               Poe spins around quickly and you almost slip and slide down the wall, quickly and comically kicking your feet out from under you to stand up straight again. Finn and Rey are standing in the doorway, looking on. Finn is standing with his arms crossed over his chest, one eyebrow raised, trying, and failing, to keep his face steady, while Rey looks happy and not at all surprised. “Get out of my head,” you snap, your face turning a bright shade of crimson again, and Rey just laughs as she shakes her head.

               “I didn’t know what you were doing out here,” she says quickly, as a blush rises to her own cheeks. “I simply felt that you seemed more prepared, that’s all.”  

               “Well, I’m ready,” you say firmly, securing your hair back behind you. “I’m totally ready to do this. In fact, I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life.”

               “Well let’s go then,” Rey says, holding the door open for you, and Poe’s hand finds yours and gives it a reassuring squeeze as you confidently stride past everyone into the room.

               A few meters in, you stop to take in the hangar. Now that you had a closer look, you could see that all of the ships parked outside were Resistance ships, bearing the symbol of the red starbird. Most of the ships parked inside the hangar, however, had the sunburst and blue starbird symbol of the New Republic. To your right, beyond the rows of chairs, there were a couple dozen shuttles and a few Omegas, some additionally painted with what looked like military insignia. Towards the front of the hangar, near the Bravo doors, you can see three large corvettes parked next to the _Millenium Falcon._ Their design is similar to the _Aspiration,_ but these are much larger. Two are painted diplomatic crimson red all over, unarmed, and bearing the New Republic insignia. The third corvette looked heavily armed with laser cannons placed at various points along its hull, and was painted all-white for its military status, its insignia surrounded in a ring of stars with the words _Republic Command_ stenciled underneath. Given their official look, you supposed the seats ahead were filled with several Republic officials as well as Resistance echelons.

               You hurry ahead to catch up to Rey, Finn, and Poe and as the four of you pass the raised seats, all conversations cease as everyone in the room turns to look at you. You take advantage of the silence while Poe and Finn find their seats to scan the audience. Sitting in the front row near the left side is Leia, with Ladson and Ani on her left, and Wedge on her right. You had never met Wedge before in person, and so you quickly shot him a tight-lipped smile as he casts a friendly wave back in your direction. On his right was another Republic naval officer, and judging by his uniform compared to Wedge’s, you supposed that he was the Grand Admiral. Taking up the rest of the row were an assortment of Republic and Resistance officers, but you had no idea what their rank was. In the second row, behind Leia, Poe and Finn took their seats next to two rather important-looking people who were still whispering quietly with Leia, as well as a Calamari and a few others you recognized from the command center, while behind them sat Chewie, Taro’s brother, and a few other Tortutaru that you hadn’t met yet. The rest of the rows were filled with people from either the Republic or the Resistance that you didn’t really recognize. Poe gives you a quick, subtle, thumps-up that Finn quickly mimics, and you make sure to purposely not look at him as you screw up your face and follow Rey to the circular raised platform in the arena closest to the seating area, wishing with all the Force in your body not to have to go through with this. Maybe if you were lucky, the First Order would attack right this second and then you wouldn’t have to go through with any of this.

               Everyone looks expectantly at Rey, and you’re glad that they’re not looking at you, although you don’t really know what to do with yourself. Part of you wants to scratch your nose, but that would seem unflattering. Putting your hands behind you could make you look more official, but you didn’t want to look too official, although keeping your arms straight by your sides might make you look sloppy. Crossing your arms over your chest may make you look bored or uninterested, and you didn’t want anyone to get the wrong impression. Instead you just put your hands up in front of your chest at a slight angle, twisting and flexing your fingers as if in warm-up.

               “Senators,” Rey begins. “Admiral, friends of the Republic, what you are about to see is a final demonstration of the results of several weeks of hard training, to cement your confidence in the upcoming mission. General Organa has assured you of that she has received the best training that the Resistance could provide, and you are about to see it firsthand.”

               It suddenly occurs to you that Ladson may have originally just told you that it was a surprise to get your mind off things in order to get you down here in the first place, to help you go along with this. If they had told you flat out that this was really just something set up by the Republic in order to see your skills and training firsthand, you weren’t quite sure if you would have wanted to go through with it. You probably would have, although you wouldn’t have been happy about it. Regardless, suddenly springing this on you didn’t really seem like much of an improvement, either. At least this way they could make sure that you wouldn’t back out and run screaming from the arena, although part of you still considered that to be a feasible recourse.

               Rey introduces your name as she gestures to you, and you involuntarily let your tongue jut out and run against your lower lip as you pull at your fingers, one by one, listening to them make that satisfying little pop in the knuckle before you moved on to the next one. “Today we will be using low power blades to reduce the risk of injury to both her and myself. The arena has been arranged to simulate conditions that will be found in various places on a Star Destroyer, and with them all seen closely here, her skill in each situation will be evident. The duel will end upon first contact or clear fatal advantage.” She turns to Leia. “General, after we’ve set up, we’ll begin on your signal.”

               Rey takes your hand and leads you to the large circular platform in the center of the arena, and along the way you notice that the ground is littered with metal cubes, probably to increase the difficulty of fighting on the ground. Looking around, you see that the cubes are everywhere within the bounds of the arena, and could serve as a valuable distraction during the fight, although you would definitely have to watch your step if you ended up on the ground. You break your hold on Rey’s hand to follow her up a short ladder placed at a shallow angle against the platforms so they acted more like stairs, and take up a position near the center opposite Rey.

 _You know, you could just kill me so I don’t have to go through with this,_ you think at her. _I would be cool with that._

               Rey makes no attempt to conceal her laugh. _It’s all part of the show that the Resistance puts on for the Republic when they visit. For some reason, uniforms and proper address seem to matter to them more than your training. Anyway, take a moment and look around and the arena properly so you can see what you’re up against. I’ll walk opposite you so it looks like we’re just preparing. On the Star Destroyer, I doubt you’ll have time to explore it, but this is different. This is still a part of your training, so take in the platforms and consider what they might represent, as well as how you could use them to your advantage._

               You circle the platform slowly, Rey circling opposite you, and as you look around the arena, you see that there are four other platforms. One is long and rectangular, one is the platform where Rey had introduced you, another platform was just like it, and the last circular platform concealed a meter-deep pit in its center. You weren’t sure exactly what each platform could represent, but you knew you would have to make the most of them, especially against Rey. At the very least, you noted that the high ground of a platform would give you more of an advantage to the floor, although you couldn’t really formulate any specific tactic on how you could use any of this to your own advantage.

 _You know_ , you think at her, _if you really wanted me to get a clear idea of the room, you should have shown it to me before you showed me Poe in his officer’s uniform._

               Rey raises an eyebrow as the corner of her lip quirks upwards into a smirk. _Distracted?_

 _Slightly_ , you admit, determined not to look back towards your audience.

               _Let’s begin then_ , Rey says, and it’s all you can do not to roll your eyes. You were never going to be ready for this, so it was just better to get it over with. _Let’s make this more of a show and do the formal duel salute I showed you the other day. Once we start, don’t hold back against me. I won’t. Pretend you’re in a fight for your life._

You stop circling each other and you pull your lightsaber into your hand using the Force, showing off immediately by bouncing it into your non-dominant hand, but not catching it, as you bounce it into your dominant hand. You run your tongue along the top of your teeth as you grin at her, wanting to make yourself look as bold as possible before your inevitable defeat. Rey lights up her lightsaber and you hold your staff out in front of you in your fist, horizontally, mentally willing out the two amber blades at each end. You can hear a stir in the audience, and suddenly you can hear the distracting chatter coming from all sides that seems to be focused around the confusion on how it was even possible to have an amber lightsaber, and you wondered if anyone there had actually seen one that color before. The noise thankfully tapers off as Rey spins her lightsaber up vertically in front of her face in a salute, and you return the salute with a modified staff version, turning the staff through two full turns before you bring one blade up at an angle across your face. You both cut your salutes and return to your original starting position, dimming your lightsabers in preparation for the fight. Once they were fully down, Rey nodded to Leia, who stood up and quieted the crowd. You waited in anxious apprehension for silence, running the fingertips of one hand over the meat of your thumb. You could feel a thick layer of sweat starting to build there, and you released a long, slow, shallow breath through your mouth as you took in a thin breath of air through your nostrils.

               Suddenly, Leia claps her hands and both you and Rey spring into action, quickly trading blows at the center of the platform before she springs back onto the circular platform between you and the large rectangular platform. Channeling the Force, you mirror her leap, easily crossing the gap with one jump, bringing one blade down as you landed, forcing Rey into a high block before you disengaged and swept towards her feet with the other blade. Rey jumps and goes for a high cut, which you quickly parry by continuing your circle, knocking her off balance and giving you a quick opportunity to knock her off the platform with a Force shove. Rey recovers quickly, and gathers a few of the cubes at her feet using the Force and throws them at you in a single cluster as she jumps at you, forcing you to drop to one knee on the platform to dodge the cubes as you quickly bring up your lightsaber to block her downward slash at your face. Looking through the crackling _X_ your blades have formed, you can see that Rey is not smiling the way she usually did when you sparred. She’s completely focused, her eyes set in concentration, her teeth gritted, as she strains against the force of your parries. Taking advantage of the position, you reach out with one leg and trip Rey, jumping up and bounding to the higher rectangular platform as she stumbles. Somewhere behind you, you can hear the childish sound of Ani clapping as he recognized one of your signature moves from when he had seen you sparring with Ladson, but you were mostly distracted and embarrassed by it than anything else. Once Rey regains her footing, she hops up to join you on the platform, and you begin circling each other, searching each other for weaknesses. While she still looks focused, you can’t help but let your lips spread wide into a smirk, knowing that if you _looked_ confident and sure of yourself, if might unsettle her enough to give you even the slightest of advantages.

               Although, truth be told, even with her superior skill, with two blades, you had the advantage in this fight, and Rey knew it. _See?_ she thinks at you. _I wasn’t kidding about the weight advantage, although I must admit, it’s greater than I had predicted._

 _Really?_ you ask, surprised, and for a moment you forget the stakes. _I didn’t really notice. I mean, you’re good, but I mean, that’s obvious, you’re_ really _good…_

 _Thank you_ , Rey thinks back, a smile crossing her features. _You’re good too. I’m impressed; you really have a handle on parrying instead of blocking now. Your form…_

               To your right, you hear a set of two shrill beeps, followed by a second set, and both you and Rey snap your heads towards the hollow platform as you see two shielded training droids rise out of the pit and immediately begin sending rapid-fire streams of blue stun bolts towards you and Rey. Rey jumps away, but you just spin and wheel your lightsaber staff to deflect the shots uselessly against the shielded droids. _Oh come on_ , you pout. _So not fair. Please tell me this wasn’t your idea._

 _Finn,_ Rey thinks back to you. _He and the other ex-Storm Troopers helped put this arena together, but I don’t think this was his idea since none of his droids are shielded. Maybe Leia’s?_

 _Or Ladson’s_ , you think back, feeling a pit in your stomach. The irony that Ladson might have put something together that would inadvertently take your life was not lost on you. They may have only been stun blasts, sure, but if one of them was to hit you in the chest or the leg and knock you off the platform, you didn’t want to think about what could happen if you failed to land properly and collapsed into a bed of those tiny cubes.

 _-doubtful. Remember, this was designed to show off_ all _of your skills. Remember how I told you that you wouldn’t need your hands to channel the Force in situations like this? Do it. Do whatever you want to do, as long as you make it look good._

               You stare down the droids. They were shielded, so any matter of deflection and throwing their own shots back at them was pointless. What you needed was a blaster. Splitting your concentration, you closed your eyes for a moment as you continued to block and dodge the shots as you mentally searched the room for a blaster. You could immediately sense that the crowd had gotten larger as other troops came to watch your performance, and you knew that at least one of them had to have a blaster with them. Sensing _something_ , you open one eye and look to the corner to see a sergeant with a combat blaster rifle casually slung over one shoulder. _That’ll do._

               You dodge the next set of shots by throwing yourself down on the ground and rolling, holding out one hand for the blaster as it came flying through the air towards you. You glance down briefly, using the Force to pull your lightsaber to block the next attack, as you check the blaster toggle for an ion mode. It has one, and you set it, mentally spinning your lightsaber in front of you as you sit up, both legs stretched out in front of you. You evaluate your timing, knowing that you have to get it right between your own spinning blades, and you trust the Force to know when to squeeze the trigger. The ion shot just barely slipped through the blades and hit the shield square-on, shorting it out, and the next deflected stun bolt takes it out with a whine. Your next shot and deflection have the same effect on the other droid, and both quickly drop to the surface of the platform they came from with a resounding clang. You mentally thrust the blaster back in the direction it came from and stand up as you grab hold of your lightsaber, sensing Rey just in time as she jumps back up onto the platform, holding a second blue lightsaber.

 _What the fuck_ , you exclaim mentally, more offended than anything. _Did you actually just build another lightsaber just for this exercise?_

               You hear the sound of Rey’s laughter inside your head. _No, this isn’t mine. Luke lent me this for this test. It’s actually Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber, handed down to Luke and maybe someday it’ll be handed down to Ani._ You can’t suppress the look of surprise on your face. _Having two lightsabers evens the playing field just a little bit more. Are you ready?_

               You give your head one firm shake. “Always am,” you reply as you launch yourself at her. For the next several minutes, you think of nothing but slashes, parries, and counterslashes, the two of you dancing and circling in an awesome display of focus and skill, Rey’s two blue blades wheeling opposite each other against the figure-eight chain of your twin amber blades. At one point, you made a brief mistake and left your chest open, something that you would have protected yourself against had you been able to block instead of parry, and Rey turns and plants a kick firmly into your sternum, sending you flying off the platform. As you fall, you at least have enough mental presence to quickly send out a Force blast to clear away the cubes below you as you tuck and brace to roll on your landing.

               The only problem now, of course, was that now people had seen you fight, and you didn’t want to accept defeat. You could feel anger starting to trickle hot and thick within your veins, and you didn’t want to lose. You wanted to _win_. You wanted to show all of these people and everyone watching that you could do this, that you could take out Rey and Kylo Ren and _anyone_ that opposed you single-handedly, even Supreme Leader Snoke himself if it came right down to it. You were _skilled_ , damn it, not just with the Force or your lightsaber or a blaster, but you, yourself, had mentally prepared and trained since you were back on the Starkiller Base and you weren’t going to lose to anyone. You had once thought Kylo Ren was invincible, but he had lost to Rey, and so if you could best Rey, by default, did that mean you were stronger than he was?

               You had to be.

               Popping out of the roll, you quickly mentally grabbed a cube, keeping it out of sight, and jumped onto the platform in front of the seats. You had an idea for how to win this, and if you were going to do it, it had to be here, where you could prove your skills to the crowd and no one could accuse you of winning because Rey threw the match. As Rey jumps down to pursue you, you clear your mind so she couldn’t pick up on what you were about to do, then suddenly fling the cube out towards her. As she flinches to dodge the cube, you wheel your staff for maximum impact and bring a blade around against both of her blades in midair, then swept her feet just as she landed. During the shock of this sudden attack, you disengage and circle your other blade around, stopping the tip an inch from her throat as you plant a foot on her chest.

               You both freeze and hold that position, noting the surprise mixed with pride that crossed Rey’s face as the amber glow of your lightsaber reflected in her eyes. After a long, silent, stunned minute, Ani stands up and begins cheering and clapping, which is quickly joined by the rest of the crowd. You step off of Rey and you both deactivate your lightsabers before you help her up. Standing side by side, you both bow to the cheering crowd before Rey grabs your wrist and raises it into the air, silently declaring you the victor of the match. Behind Leia, you see the two senators congratulating Leia on her, well, _your_ success, but you just turn your head so you don’t have to look at them. You didn’t care, not one bit, none of this involved them, not really. For all intents and purposes, this was between you and Kylo Ren. They could sleep safe and sound in their beds at night while you were off fighting for your life in his.

 _So the duel is over now, right?_ you think to Rey. _I can just slink back to my room while they all congratulate each other on a job well done?_

 _You wish._ Rey can’t even try to conceal her smirk. _The senators especially are absolutely full of themselves, like they’re the ones that provided you with all of your training, but if you just smile and nod and let them take all the credit, they’ll usually go away after they’ve sufficiently inflated their own importance. The Grand Admiral isn’t so bad though, Admiral Ackbar hand-picked him to lead the reconstruction of the Republic Starfleet. If you don’t particularly feel like being mobbed, stick close to him and others will generally be too afraid to approach him._

 _Roger that,_ you think back, trying to place him in the crowd. Instead, you see a group of other familiar faces walking towards you, and you bite your lip as you avert your eyes.

 _Of course, you can always stick close to him…he_ is _the Commander, and considering how he left the Republic, people mostly shy away from him either out of deference, or-_

 _Shut_ up _Rey,_ you think hotly, heat rising to your cheeks as they approach. Thankfully, Finn reaches you first. He scoops you up in his arms first, shaking you from side to side, before turning to Rey, as he lifts her up into the air and twirls her around. Ladson is immediately behind him, surprising you by placing a kiss against your temple as he rocks Ani up and down in his arms. Ani himself is babbling your praises, recounting every move and counter you made against Rey, complete with childish sound effects as you laugh and shake your head.

               “Please get him out of here,” you say to Ladson as you brush back Ani’s hair. “It is way past his bedtime and-“ You drop your voice as you pick up your hands. _-apparently I’m being forced to kiss some serious ass right now and to be honest, I’d rather him not see it._

               “Fair enough,” Ladson says simply. “Come on, Ani.” You can see Ani start to fuss, but that becomes the least of your problems as Poe steps up in front of you, grinning wickedly as he offers you his arm.

               “This is going to make some sort of statement, isn’t it?” you ask, raising an eyebrow as you take it.

               “I mean, it all depends,” Poe says with a shrug. “The ones that could probably assume don’t care, and the ones that care having nothing to assume.”

               “I don’t know,” you say thoughtfully. “Wouldn’t it be considered scandalous for the ex-paramour of Kylo Ren to be involved with the Commander of the-?”

               “Captive,” Poe quickly corrects you, and you roll your eyes.

               “Kylo Ren’s poor, helpless victim,” you sniff as you make your eyes wide. “Who so cruelly suffered at the hands of the First Order. Fortunately, I was taken in by the Resistance where they trained me to be an indomitable fighting machine, singlehandedly capable of taking out the First Order.”

               “That’s better,” Poe offers. “Although it’s probably better to let the Republic take the credit for things. You know how they are.”

               You didn’t, but you could assume. You can see people generally milling in your general direction, and you quickly look back up at him. “How’s your Tortuarune? Good enough for me to not know any Basic?”

               “You want me to interpret for you?” Poe asks, raising his eyebrows. “Please, it’s not as hard as it looks.”

               The first senator that comes up to you grabs your right hand in both of his, and introduces himself as Senator Eistar, from Naboo, and mangles your name as he calls his colleague over, Senator Frakas of Malastare. You’re trying not to wince, but you are, you’re wincing.

               “When Leia told us Rey had been training you, I wasn’t quite sure about putting you in the fight against the First Order, but after what we just saw, it’s clear the mission is in good hands with our own Republic champion. The other senators won’t believe what they’ve missed out on. We have a holo of the whole thing to show them, of course, but it’s not the same as seeing it firsthand. Bravo.” He grabs your hand roughly and shakes it again in both of his as he begins wandering off towards Leia, and you make a face as you wipe your hand down your side.

               “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” Poe asks, and you give him the most pained look that you can muster.

               “Who’s the Republic champion he was talking about?” you ask. “Am I going to have to fight them next?”

               Poe raises his eyebrows in surprise before he shakes his head and chuckles. “You, the Republic champion is you. He was talking about you.”

               You blink and suddenly it makes just a bit more sense to you. They weren’t just taking credit for your training, or your skills, they were literally trying to pick you up and claim you as if you were their own, like you were a thing to be controlled. “I have thoughts,” you say irritability. “But I don’t think I can say them here.”

               “Best not,” Poe agrees, and you bite your lip as you think them anyway, trying to push your focus towards Rey.

 _The First Order was not nearly this intolerable, Rey,_ you think at her. _Seriously, if this goes on for much longer, I might just stay there._

               You wait, but Rey doesn’t give you a ready answer, and you figure that she’s probably busy as someone else approaches you and says your name.

               You turn your head to see Wedge approaching, and you’re surprised to find that he’s actually just a bit shorter than you are. He pushes a tight smile to the corner of his lips, and you can feel a warmth emanating from him as he shakes your hand. “So good to finally meet you in person,” he says to you as he nods a greeting in Poe’s direction. “It seems like it’s been forever since you were giving my new pilots the slip, but here we are. I flew with Luke many times, he told me all about how he fought Vader with his lightsaber, but now that I’ve actually seen a duel for myself, it’s unlike anything I could have imagined. Did he construct that lightsaber for you?”

               “No, I made it myself,” you say, quickly backtracking. “I mean, Rey helped a great deal, of course. She assembled the parts and helped me put the whole thing together, but it’s a sensitive process, so it’s much easier to construct with two people, especially taking the double blades into consideration.”

               “Impressive,” Wedge muses. “I’ve seen you fly, and with fighting like that, the First Order doesn’t stand a chance.” He turns his head and spots Leia in the distance, talking to two senators from the Republic. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a few matters to attend to before I get back to the _Liberty,_ but it was great meeting you.” As he heads over to Leia, you hear the stiff click of boots stop behind you.

               “Impressive show,” someone says in a high-pitched nasally voice that immediately makes you look twice as you appraise them. “The bit with the blaster was a particularly nice touch. Rather lucky the sergeant was there, otherwise I’m not entirely sure that you would have kept up with the droids.”

               You bite your lip, considering whether or not you should use the Force to make him slap himself across the face to see if he could _keep up_ , but Poe steps in for you. “Well, hello, _Captain_ Deso, long time, no see, I almost didn’t recognize you out of uniform. So glad it took the destruction of two entire systems and the glassing of three planets for you to _finally_ take the First Order seriously. Those droids you snuck into the arena were a particularly nice touch, as you put it. I’m surprised you had the decency to set them to stun. As she demonstrated, she’s quite capable in every situation, including unexpected sabotage, so I’d venture to say that the mission is in good hands.” Deso opens his mouth to speak, but Poe doesn’t even give him the chance. “Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” Poe makes a soft _tut-tut_ sound with his tongue, quietly baiting him, and you bite your lip to conceal a smirk.

               You had never seen Poe this snarky, but to be honest, you had to admit that you kind of liked it.

               Deso shoots _you_ a disgusted glare, from some reason, before he turns on his heel and storms off. As he’s walking away, you mentally snag on his shoe, watching as he almost trips before he regains his balance. It did not go unnoticed by those around him.

               “So, you have enemies?” you ask, raising your eyebrows in surprise.

               “I don’t know about _enemies_ ,” Poe says coolly. “But everyone has people that they just don’t like.”

               “Well, if you have any more, feel free to point them out to me,” you tell Poe as your eyes scan the crowd. “What good is having the Force if I can’t make someone punch themselves in the face with it?”

               “I believe that would be considered an inappropriate use of the Force,” a familiar voice says, and you’re thankful that the next person that grabs your hand is Rey.

               “Thank the Force,” you say levelly. “Did you not get my message?”

               “I believe they would consider it an act of treason,” Rey responds as she taps the side of her head, and Poe looks at you curiously, wondering what you could have possibly said to her. “You’re in luck though, they all seem to be fawning over what a spectacular job I’ve done training you.”

               “I’m not sure whether I should feel lucky or insulted,” you admit dryly, and Rey just shrugs her shoulders.

               “It means you’ll get to leave sooner,” Rey tells you, and the face that you give her could light up a room.

               “I mean it,” you tell her in a low whisper. “If it came down to these guys and the First Order, I would choose the First Order.” Poe visibly bristles next to you, and you just shrug. “I mean, if I could bring you guys with me, of course. Not much there in the way of company, if you know what I mean.” Rey just raises her eyebrows as she studies you, and you close your eyes as you shake your head. “See, this is what happens when I talk to you too much through the Force. I start saying all my inside thoughts on the outside. I just, I don’t know, I shouldn’t say words.”

               “You’re just nervous,” Rey says, putting a hand on your shoulder. “It’s going to be fine.” You think she thinks one final thought in your direction, but you’re too distracted to hear it as she walks away.

               “You really prefer it there to here?” Poe asks, and you make a face.

               “Well, either they have a much better sense of humor, or I just suck at telling jokes,” you say with a shrug. “I mean, hey, I was almost choked to death, locked in a cell, starved to death, watched all my friends get either tortured or killed off, but, you know, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, right?”

               Poe just shakes his head, and you idly wonder while it might be all well and good to joke about it with Ladson, or even Finn, to get your mind off of things, you wondered if Poe actually took your comments more seriously. In truth, all of those things _had_ seriously happened to you, you weren’t making it up, you weren’t exaggerating it, and yet he seemed almost uncomfortable by the way you downplayed it, and you weren’t quite sure why. He hadn’t lived through it. He didn’t really know exactly how much danger you had been in, although perhaps it was simply because he cared about you and was still concerned with your safety, knowing that you were going back. Perhaps mentioning the past was a current reminder of what was imminent in your future. You had to keep making jokes about it to keep yourself from being psyched out, but maybe Poe couldn’t handle it.

 _All the more reason you shouldn’t be with him then._ You weren’t sure where that voice came from, and your eyes darted up and around at all the people around you. “You okay?” Poe asks, and you just nod your head, but you can’t help but feel troubled, as if someone was mentally poking around in your head. It hadn’t been the first time that you thought that someone had been listening in on your own thoughts, hadn’t been the first time you _felt_ some intangible presence, but a part of you couldn’t help but think that maybe there was no voice at all. If there was, Leia or Rey would have felt it. No, it was probably just you, psyching yourself out.

               “So, tell me more about this Deso guy,” you say quickly, starting to feel just a little bit too uncomfortable by all the people around you. You couldn’t remember any place, besides the cafeteria, where you had been surrounded by so many people, and none of them were as high rank as this. A sabotage of any kind could happen at any moment, and you felt oddly out in the open, and curiously vulnerable.

               Poe raises an eyebrow in surprise, but decides to indulge you. “Before I left the Republic, I was Commander of Rapier Squadron, assigned to anti-piracy patrol in the Mirrin Sector under _Major_ Deso at the time. During one particular interception mission, we discovered it wasn’t the Gauvians attacking the freighter, it was the First Order. We managed to destroy all the attacking shuttles and fighters, but they managed to hijack the freighter and jump to one of their Star Destroyers, killing one of my wingmen in the process. Long story short, after I tracked down the freighter and had irrefutable proof the First Order was violating the Concordance, Deso just swept the whole thing under the rug and did nothing. If it had been the Gauvians, we would have pursued them back to their base and wiped them out, but when it came to the First Order, Deso refused to pass the string of incidents up the chain of command for fear of finally sparking a war. Kun, Iolo and I finally had it and resigned our commissions right then and there and took up Leia’s standing offer to make a difference in the Resistance, the Republic be damned.”

               You were sure he was telling a fascinating story, but you weren’t really listening. You felt like you were being watched now, your instincts were sure of it, although you weren’t sure if it was inside you or outside you or where it was coming from. _Rey_ , you reach out to her with your mind, but you’re not sure what to say. _Danger, danger, Rey, red alert. I think we’re in-_

 _What’s wrong?_ The response is immediate, and you’re grateful for that as you put a hand to the side of your head to concentrate.

 _Someone is here that shouldn’t be,_ you think back at her. _I think someone’s in my head. Or watching me. Or watching me in my head, I don’t know, but I just-_

               Rey suddenly pops up beside you, making you visibly jump. You didn’t even realize that Poe had stopped talking. “What’s going on?” she asks, although she appears more confused than alarmed. In response, you just grab her hand and guide it up to your temple.

_“Look.”_

               “For?” Rey asks, but nonetheless she glances around and shuts her eyes. You try to relive the same sensation, the same voice you had heard in your head earlier, but it’s like trying to recreate the voice of someone you had never heard before putting Basic words together in a sentence that you had never seen used before. Suddenly, you couldn’t be sure you had seen, or heard, or felt, anything at all. “I don’t-“ Rey pulls her hand away, blinking rapidly. “I’m sorry, I don’t sense anything.”

               You just shake your head and lift your shoulders uncomfortably as you glance suspiciously around you. “I don’t know; I just have a bad feeling. I should go.”

               “Leia hasn’t seen you yet,” Rey says, starting to smile. “If you go before-“ She stops talking suddenly, sensing it before you do.

               Sure enough, there is a spark of rage hovering inside of your chest like a burning flame, and you can feel it engulfing your lungs, hot and thick as you take a step towards her, your face barely inches from hers as you say the words slowly, letting the tips of your front teeth bite down into your lower lip as you spit the final word. “I didn’t even want to be here in the first place. I’ll let Leia know when I give a fuck.” You turn to go, and you can feel Poe reach out for you, but you sense it before he even has time to react and avoid him with ease. The way to the exit had been blocked by people before, but suddenly it seems as though there’s no one in your way. They were all still talking, not really paying much attention to you, but you didn’t bump into a single soul on your way to the exit.

               Once you’re in the hallway, you take off down the hall at breakneck speed, not stopping until you arrived at your door. You opened it quickly to find Ladson still up on the couch with his feet up. “Back already?” he asks, rubbing at his forehead with the back of his hand before he gets a good look at you. “What happened?”

               “Too many people,” you say with a shrug, but Ladson doesn’t seem convinced. “Just-“ you shake your head. “Give me a little bit to shower, then we can talk, okay?”

               “Go for it,” Ladson says, giving you a dismissive wave, and you head into the shower.

               The people who could get into your head were few and far between, and slowly you started to draw a mental list of the suspects as you stepped into the warm water of the shower and let it run over you in long, comforting rivulets. There was Taro’s brother and the other Tortutaru, of course, but they had high-tailed it out of there once the whole show had been over, and Taro’s brother _liked_ Poe, he would have had no reason to stir up conflict, so that was out. Rey, too, would have no reason to stir up conflict, either, and besides, it didn’t feel like her. You could feel the familiar energy of anyone on this base, but this hadn’t felt like any of them. Could it have been someone with the Republic? This felt like something older, darker, and yet you couldn’t be sure it wasn’t Kylo. Or Snoke. But why would Snoke even care?

               No, it hadn’t really seemed malicious at the time. It had freaked you out at first, but it simply seemed like someone tapping into your mental thoughts and making an observation, but who the hell would do that? Who _could_ do that? And why? Then again, you had felt a peculiar bubble well up inside your chest as you snapped at Rey. You were sure she must have loved that, watching you slowly submit to the dark side right before you were about to head back to the First Order. That would definitely be a sign of swell things to come. You shook her head and decided maybe it had all been in your head to begin with. Maybe you were that worried about how things would progress with Poe that you were literally psyching yourself out to such an extent that you were literally hearing voices inside your head.

               You stepped out of the shower and toweled off, but you still felt exceptionally warm, although it wasn’t from your anger, that had since dissipated. You brushed your long hair out of your face and walked naked into your room, musing as you looked through your clothes. “You want to spar tonight?” you call. You look over and realize that the door to your room was half-open, and you shook your head, but weren’t really bothered by it. You had shared a tiny bathroom with the guy for five years and he had been there during the birth of your child. If he walked in on you, it was nothing he hadn’t seen before.

               “Not too tired?” Ladson calls back after a moment, and you shrug.

               “I don’t know,” you admit. “I feel like I could beat the shit out of something right now.” You hear a stifled snort, but shrug it off as you throw on a tight-fitting pair of shorts to give yourself maximum range of motion, and a tank top, just like you used to wear when you sparred with him. You brush your hair out behind you with your fingers before heading out into the living room to face an unexpected guest.

               Poe’s sitting with him in the living room in a much more casual state, his military jacket off to reveal him in just a white tee shirt that pulled at his shoulders, and you were standing there in nothing but a tight-fitting pair of shorts that barely went halfway down your thigh, and a shirt that was probably cut far too low, never mind the fact that you were just walking around in the other room completely naked with the door half-open, where he could have walked in at any time. You quickly tug your tank top too much the other way, covering up your chest as your midriff became suddenly exposed, and you suddenly wished that you had walked out here in a jacket made from the lining of a gundark’s intestines instead. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

               You snap, you have to snap, because that’s the only way you can recover from what you can only describe as mortal embarrassment, as if you hadn’t embarrassed yourself for one night. You knew your face was red, and yet you swore as the seconds went by that it was probably turning an even deeper shade of crimson. “I, uh,” Poe seems as distracted as you are for a second, and for a brief moment you consider using the Force to try to slam him through the wall, just to get him out of your apartment.

               “So do you still want to spar?” Ladson asks, looking between you and Poe. “Or should I just make myself small and nod out?”

               “You can stay,” Poe says at the same time you say, “Go,” and Ladson holds up his hands.

               “In my defense, she’s scarier,” Ladson says quietly as he slips out of the room, and you just roll your eyes as you cross your arms over your chest.

               “Seriously, what are you doing here?” you ask. You hesitate for a moment, and you can literally _feel_ Ladson listening in on your conversation from the other side of the door. You want to open it and slam it shut in his face, but that will risk waking Ani, and so you thought better of it as you motion for Poe to come inside your room.

               “I just wanted to see if you were okay,” he says innocently as you sit cross legged down on the bed, keeping your arms firmly crossed over your chest.

               “And why wouldn’t I be okay?” you ask with a shrug. “It’s not like I was just set up to be a giant exhibition so that the Republic can jerk themselves off and talk about how great they are.”

               “Is that what’s bothering you?” Poe asks, tilting his head to the side, as if he’s genuinely curious.

               “No, you’re what’s bothering me,” you snap, and Poe looks taken aback, almost hurt.

               “Did I do something?” he asks, like he honestly thinks he has, and you are suddenly far too tired to take this right now.

               “Why are you here?” you repeat. “We’re not-“ You wave your hand uncomfortably. “-anything.  You don’t owe me anything.”

               “Is that the problem?” Poe asks. “Did you want to-“

               “No,” you exclaim, and then immediately shut your eyes. “I mean, no, I mean, that’s not what I meant.” You rub your temples in exasperation. “You came here to see if I’m okay. I’m fine, really, I’m just, I don’t know. Overwhelmed? Tired? Stressed? Take your pick.”

               “What do you need from me?” Poe asks as he takes a step towards you, and suddenly you open yourself up to feel his energy. It was familiar, and comforting, and exactly what you wanted right now, which was exactly why you couldn’t have it.

               “I want you to-“ No, that was the wrong word choice. You didn’t want him to do anything. You _needed_ him to leave. You needed to be alone so you could figure this out. You needed to be alone because pretty soon you would _be_ on your own, alone with Kylo Ren, and you couldn’t let yourself depend on Poe’s presence. If you let him in, Kylo might sense it, and then your whole cover would be ruined. If Kylo even caught so much of a whiff of the scent of Poe’s familiar leather jacket in the back of your mind, it could stir up all sorts of feelings, and, “-stay.” The words are out of your mouth before you can stop them, and you surrender yourself to your apparent decision. Poe just nods as he comes to sit next to you on the bed, and you mope miserably as you lean your head against his shoulder, letting Poe wrap an arm around you.

               If Kylo Ren was going to kill you anyway, the least you could do was allow yourself this one small comfort before you met your end.

               “So is Rey mad at me?” you ask after a moment, and Poe laughs as he runs a hand over your wet hair as he pulls you a little closer.

               “Not mad,” he says eventually. “Just confused, I think.”

               “I thought-“ You pause, thinking it over. “I don’t know, I thought I got a really bad vibe from somewhere.”

               “You probably did,” Poe says, and you pause as you twist around to look up at him. “Obviously I don’t know how the Force works,” he continues. “But if you think you felt something bad, then I believe you. The General herself refuses to set foot on a Republic world for that same reason; she knows what could happen. Maybe it was just your instincts telling you to get out of there, but either way, if the Force is driving your instincts, it’s best to listen to them, right?”

               “I guess,” you say meekly.

               “Anyway, Rey and I covered for you,” Poe explains. “We told her that you wanted to check on Ani and get right back to meditating to prepare for what’s coming up.”

               “Thank you,” you say appreciatively as you snuggle into him. “Good to know I can count on you.” You didn’t mean it like that. It just sort of slipped out, but suddenly Poe’s lips are on yours and you’re lying back on the bed while he has himself propped up on one elbow, his hand braced against your side. This has possibilities, you know it does, but he’s kissing you gently and you’re not really ready for much more than this right now. No, what you needed right now was a friend, first and foremost, and that was how things were going to stay. Whatever happened when you got back would be after you had seen Kylo, after you had settled things with him for good. Poe was giving you time; there was no need to rush things.

               Eventually Poe plopped over onto his back and you snuggled into the fabric of his shirt. It was a bit scratchy against your cheek, and you silently wished that he was Force sensitive so you could mentally hint at him to take it off without saying anything, where he could feel free to pretend that he just hadn’t heard you if he wanted to leave it on. In either case, you weren’t bold enough to say it out loud, and so you just settled yourself into a more comfortable position as you realized that you weren’t really all that nervous about the way Poe was holding you anymore. A short while ago, you had sat on his lap like a girl with a bad crush, and now the way he was holding you felt comfortable, familiar, _wanted._

               “Hey,” you say quietly.

               “Hey,” he says, mimicking your same, soft tone.

               “Did you think I did good today?” you ask, trailing a hand absent-mindedly up and down his side.

               Poe just lets out a good-natured chuckle. “You really even have to ask that?” You just let out a small hum of appreciation as he kisses your temple. “I think the First Order should be _very_ scared of you.”

               “I’d be scared of me,” you admit, but luckily Poe doesn’t read as much into your comment as you do, and you’re still thinking about it for a long time before you eventually let the steady rhythm of Poe’s breathing lull you to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, see, this would be one of those battles to just _watch_ cause as much fun as it is to read and write about lightsaber duels, watching them is something else. Like, this much chapter was so much fun to write because literally last Saturday me and my friends were all sitting around watching Beyond Thunderdome and someone was like, "Could you imagine if Rey and Reader had a cage style match for everyone just before she left? That'd be awesome" and everyone was like, "Heh, yeah it would" and then suddenly everyone stopped and looked at me and I was locked away to go write, and two hours later, this was the result (after editing and stuff, of course!) 
> 
> But all in all, it's weird how a last minute prompt suddenly became very, very important to the story at large, especially the third installment. I'm not saying how, exactly, but I wonder if Reader's blatant (but justified!) mistrust of the Republic will factor into things in any way...hmm....
> 
> Nah, I'm teasing (maybe), I know you guys are all anxiously waiting for the return of Kylo Ren, and I can assure you that this is literally a very long slow burn but he _is_ coming back, and soon!! Last night one of my friends compared it to the Two Towers...if you're hoping Frodo gets to Mount Doom by the end of the second installment, you're going to be disappointed. It's all about the journey. (Plus the longer I draw this out, the less time until this story ends, and the less I have to wait for December 2017.) Granted there's no way I can make this story stretch on that long, but I can always dream. ;) We're so close to seeing Kylo again though...maybe by...Monday? We can't just let her go without a debriefing and saying goodbye to everybody....who knows if Reader will ever set foot back on the Resistance base again??  >.>


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everybody, sorry I didn't update yesterday. I took the day off in order to celebrate Ostara, or as some people call it, the first day of spring. I cleaned, I meditated, jumped into my familiar spring workout routine, and did a few hours of yoga, which means I'm in a very zen mood right now. The sun is shining and there's warm weather ahead. Take a moment now to just close your eyes and focus on your breathing, and welcome positivity and good energy into your life...or just go ahead and read the chapter.

               When you roll over the next morning, Poe isn’t there. Somehow you didn’t really expect him to be, but it was a bit disappointing nonetheless. The pillow still smelled like him, though, and you knew he hadn’t had been gone for quite that long. Instead, you curled up where the soft imprint of his sleeping form had been left in the blanket, silently wishing that things could have been simpler. They weren’t, and you knew that you never even would have met him to begin with if you hadn’t been caught up in the skirmish with the First Order, but you still couldn’t help but think that maybe things would have been easier if you had met Poe back on your academia, before you had even met Kylo Ren. If the circumstances had been different, you probably wouldn’t have even signed up for B’s mission. Then again, would you still be attracted to him if the situation was different? Something told you that you wouldn’t have really appreciated how nice he was, and this disappointed you.

               You didn’t want to believe that you had changed. You subtly recognized that people would change over time as their vast accumulation of experiences changed, but you felt that, fundamentally, deep down, people did not change, and although you were concerned about what that actually meant for you, specifically, you knew internally that it was quite simply a diversion tactic to get you back to thinking about Kylo Ren. Had he changed? Did he still love you? Would he pretend to? And now that you had feelings for Poe, would you even care? What if Kylo did really love you, what if he fell to his knees and wept at the very sight of you? And although you had the good sense to know that there wasn’t a chance of that happening, it was interesting to gauge your own reaction to it, at the very least, and you weren’t at all surprised to find the thought being met with mental indifference. Then again, that’s how you felt _now_ , but things might change once you saw Kylo again, once you were actually there.

               You weren’t quite sure how to feel about that, and so you quickly decided that you didn’t want to think anything as you pushed yourself out of bed and dragged your feet sleepily into the living room. “Sounded like you had a fun night,” Ladson says, sitting in his familiar spot on the couch with his feet up, as if he had never left.

               “Did you even go to bed?” you ask quickly, desperate to keep the conversation off of you and Poe.

               “Tried to, at least,” Ladson says, murmuring as he wipes his face dramatically. “You two were _loud_ -“

               “We didn’t do anything,” you say flatly, crossing your arms over your chest as you raise an eyebrow, and Ladson stops rubbing his face as he appraises you.

               “Seriously?” Ladson asks. “I could have sworn he looked almost guilty when I caught him sneaking out this morning.”

               “Maybe he just didn’t want to leave,” you say, tilting your head to one side as you stretch out your neck. “You say anything to him?”

               “Nothing much,” Ladson says with a brief shrug. “You know how it is. Silent guy code.”

               “Right,” you say flatly. “Silent guy code is what made you think that I slept with him?”

               Ladson just shakes his head. “So you just mean to tell me you just cuddled with him all night?”

               “Basically?” you offer, but Ladson looks like he still doesn’t entirely believe you.

               “Your idea or his?” he asks, and you huff as you cross your arms over your chest, slumping into a seat. “Okay, his, I get it.”

               “Get what?” you ask. In truth, it had felt more like a mutual decision, but if Ladson had some key insight to Poe’s character that would keep you from obsessing about Kylo Ren all day, then so be it. Obsessing over whether Poe used the back of his wrist or his elbow to cover his mouth and nose when he sneezed seemed like a far better use of your time and mental energies, anyway.

               “You’re going back to Kylo Ren,” Ladson says. “If the person I was interested in was headed back into the danger zone, with their ex, I wouldn’t exactly be getting that intimate with them either.”

               “But nothing’s going to happen,” you say as you shift in your chair. “I mean, okay, maybe _something_ is going to happen, but I don’t have feelings for Kylo anymore, if I ever did.”

               “First, you totally did,” Ladson says flatly as he ticks it off on his fingers. “And secondly, think about it from his perspective. Being there may, I don’t know, change things for you, and he doesn’t want you to feel pressured into sticking by him if your feelings change by the time you get back.”

               “They’re not going to,” you say coolly.

               “But he doesn’t know that,” Ladson sighs. “He’s playing it smart. Give the guy a break.”

               “I am,” you huff as you shake your head. “He’s just, he’s insufferable, really, he is. He’s too nice. He’s being all perfect and supportive and caring, like he actually genuinely cares about what happens to me, and to Ani. He’s too, I don’t know, pure, too good. It’s disgusting, really.”

               Ladson just raises his eyebrows as he crosses his arms over his chest and appraises you. “You know, if I ever thought about getting into psychology, I would write an entire dissertation on the way you think. It’d make a very interesting case study.”

               “Shut up,” you huff.

               “No, I mean it,” Ladson continues. “Kylo’s too bad for you, Poe’s too good, so who’s in the middle?”

               “I am,” you say crossly as you rub at your eyebrow with the back of your hand. “Which is what makes this shit so complicated.”

               “Complicated?” Ladson asks. “I thought you said you didn’t have feelings for Kylo Ren anymore.”

               “I might,” you admit weakly. “I don’t, dude, I don’t know anymore. I’m about to be fighting for my life here, or something, I don’t know, sometimes I just feel like my brain is half asleep. I don’t know what I’m getting into, I don’t know what I’m doing. I just hope if I’m not able to predict what I’m doing, then maybe Kylo Ren won’t either. If I’m unpredictable, I can keep him interested, just like before, keep him interested in me long enough for the Resistance to get there and save my ass.”

               Ladson just shakes his head. “Hopefully when this is all said and done, things will be easier for you, and I’m not joking around. I’m being serious. You’ve been putting yourself through hell since, well, since I met you back on Starkiller Base, it’s like you’ve just been trying to do the best with whatever crumbs you’ve been handed. I just hope that when this is all over, that you’ll actually get to, you know, _live,_ to have a life.”

               “Isn’t that what I’m doing right now?” you ask. “Living? Breathing?”

               “It’s not the same and you know it,” Ladson says. “Don’t you ever just want to settle down with Ani in a normal house, working a normal job, with a normal guy?”

               “I don’t even know what that would look like,” you admit as you shake your head. “Honestly it sounds nice but it also sounds kind of, I don’t know, boring. I don’t know if I could do it. Living on the Starkiller Base made every day this uncertain kind of adventure for me, and there was almost a kind of thrill in that, once most of the drama had settled down.” You shrug, thinking it over. “But being here is fun, too, like all the times I’ve spent flying with Poe or shooting with Finn or training with Rey, it’s like there’s always something to do here.” Ladson’s quiet, and that’s when you let something sink in, something you had thought about before but had since forgotten. In fact, you had been thinking about it the very morning before you met Poe, irony be damned.

               “You’re not talking about me,” you say quietly. “You’re thinking about you.” You blink as you shake your head, and Ladson is still quiet. “You want me to have a normal life so that you can go off and have your own normal life. Normal house, normal job, normal guy.”

               “Hey, I’m not going anywhere,” he says, pointing back towards the bedroom door. “There’s still Ani to think about, and I love the kid, you know that. I’m not _going_ anywhere, but you know, in a few years, once the war has settled down and things aren’t so hectic here, then maybe yeah, once, you know, Poe takes my place-“ You laugh and look away. “-or someone, I don’t know who you could meet, maybe you won’t meet anyone, that’s up to you, but once we’re both in a more stable position, maybe we can actually go off and have, you know, lives of our own.”

               “I don’t think I’m ready for you to go though,” you say softly, and you can feel a knot of pressure rise in your chest. “Like, I don’t know what I would do without you.” You can hear the tears in your voice, but you don’t stop talking. It needs to be said. “I mean it, I can talk to you about _anything_ , like I mean, anything-“

               “Like how you want to fuck that pilot,” Ladson teases, but you just shake your head.

               “Just shut _up_ ,” you say, clenching your hands by your side to keep them from trembling. “I know it’s selfish, but I want you to stay. I want to like, I don’t know, fold you up and put you in my pocket so whenever I need someone to laugh with me, I can turn to you. If I ever need someone to vent to, I can talk to you. If I ever just need to not be alone, you’re there, you’re there for me for _everything_ and if you were just to suddenly leave, I don’t know how I’d fill that hole that you left.”

               “Is this about me or about Kylo?” Ladson asks quietly, rubbing the back of his knuckles up and down against his mouth.

               You want to tell him not to be an idiot, that of course it’s him, but suddenly you’re not sure. “You’ve been there for me for everything,” you say at length. “And I’m not ready for you to not be there. I’m sorry.”

               “Don’t be sorry-“ Ladson starts.

               “I’m sorry,” you say firmly. “Because I’m selfish, because I shouldn’t need you this much, because you deserve better than to just take care of me.”

               “I don’t just take care of you,” Ladson says, as if in surprise. “I mean, half the time I feel like you’re the one taking care of me.” You tilt your head to the side in confusion, waiting for him to continue. “You lead by example, and you’re never afraid to be your most genuine, authentic self, and that’s inspiring to me. I was nervous about coming here, but you opened up to everyone immediately, you were honest with them, putting everything out on the table, even though I knew how scared you were to do it. That helped me do the same, more than you could ever know. You’ve helped me get out of my own head. I used to think that there was just me and everybody else, but since I’ve met you, I learned that there are other people in the galaxy that I care for, that I’d give my life for, and you and Ani are two of those people.”

               “Not Poe?” you ask, because if you didn’t crack a joke you were going to burst out in tears and you didn’t think you’d ever stop.

               “Maybe,” Ladson says thoughtfully. “I mean, if he really meant _that_ much to you, I’d at least consider it.”

               “And Kylo?” you ask, unable to stifle a small giggle.

               “Man, fuck that guy,” Ladson says automatically and you can’t conceal your laughter as you launch yourself at him. “Seriously, I know you’re going to anyway, but-“ He doesn’t keep talking, but that’s probably because you were squeezing him so tightly he could barely breathe. Suddenly, Kylo Ren didn’t matter. Poe didn’t matter. The mission didn’t matter. What really mattered is that you had Ladson as your friend, and no matter what happened to you, he would always be your friend, supporting you no matter what. The odds of meeting someone like him were slim, the odds of actually befriending him were even rarer, but you were fortunate, and lucky, and blessed that you even got the privilege of being his friend, of even knowing him at all. And for that, you were thankful.

               You didn’t know what to make of most people in the galaxy in general, but you knew most people were not like Ladson, which is why you had always kept one simple rule to yourself, never trust any of the promises that people made to you, not ever. Ladson didn’t promise you anything he wasn’t one hundred percent sure he could deliver on, and you could count on him because of that. Ladson had never broken a promise to you. You had a sneaking suspicion that Poe was going to forget his own promise to you, and a part of you resented him for that, but in the back of your mind you knew that he knew how important this was to you, knew that he wouldn’t let you down. And he didn’t. Poe kept true to his word and did not disappoint you.

               On the night before you were about to leave, he took you through a door flanked by guards and into the Starfighter Corps hangar. Inside were stacks of crates everywhere, and two rows of starfighters of all kinds going down each side. Down the left side, Poe points out the triangular A-Wings that made up the Blue Squadron and the ancient-looking Y-Wings that made up the Red Squadron. At the end, near the hangar door, you spot something that definitely doesn’t belong, a TIE fighter with a striking red patch across the cockpit, its larger vertical panels dwarfing the A-Wing sitting next to it.

               “Is that-?” You can’t even finish your sentence as your jaw drops open in surprise.

               “Yup,” Poe says as he looks it over. “It’s a First Order TIE Fighter, one of the elite SF models. We managed to capture it in a skirmish over Candoria after the pilots bugged out. They’re putting the finishing touches on it before you take it on your mission. To be honest, I’m a bit jealous, since the last time I had a chance to fly one was when I crashed back on Jakku with Finn.”

               “Oh, so you were _crashing_ not _flying_?” you ask, eyebrows raised, and Poe just laughs and shakes his head good-naturedly as he takes your hand and leads you over to the twin rows of X-Wings along the right side.

               “The TIE Fighter is cool, but it doesn’t compare to what I’m about to show you,” he says as he stops in front of a black-and-orange painted X-Wing. “I’ve met your baby, now you’re about to meet mine.”

               “Oh?” you ask teasingly. “Does it have a name?”

               Underneath the cockpit canopy you can see where it says _Cdr. Dameron, Black Leader_ , as well as dozens of symbols that look like TIE Fighters and a few other ships you don’t recognize. Considering he was a starfighter pilot, you supposed they represented combat kills. You couldn’t really picture Poe killing anyone, nor did you really want to, and so you quickly pushed the thought out of your mind.

               “This is _Black One_ ,” Poe tells you. “She’s served me well in several scrapes. She’s an older T-70X since the newer T-85’s are all reserved for the Republic, but it turns out the 70’s are much better for our needs than the 85 I flew for the Republic with Rapier Squadron. For one, they’re just a bit faster, and they give you much more freedom to customize them, which is particularly useful for the specific skill set of the Resistance; ghost strikes the Republic doesn’t want to dirty their hands with. Unfortunately, it means we get to face off against First Order Special Forces Squadron much more often than the Republic ever will, and those fighters are faster than anything the Empire ever threw at us. After every pilot we lose, though, we learn more about their tactics and modify our fighters accordingly, an advantage denied to the First Order by the proprietary standardization of Sienar systems.”

               Somewhere inside the fighter you hear a loud _clunk_ , followed by the unmistakable, exasperated whistle of BB-8. Poe jumps up on the ladder propped against the side of the fighter and peers down into an opening behind the cockpit, and you hear BB-8 whistle something to him you didn’t understand. Whatever it was must have been rude, given the look on Poe’s face. “Hey, be nice,” Poe scolds. “We’re not in any danger, we’re not even going into high altitude….yes, I know the life support and targeting computer were removed. _I’m_ the one who asked to have them removed.”

               You can’t help but giggle as you shuffle awkwardly from foot to foot, listening to this one-sided conversation. “Yes, they had to be removed. How else was she going to fit in the cockpit with me? _HEY._ No, it’s not like that. Did you pack the…oh, I can’t believe you. No, you know what I- hey, Laktaras Point is a hard, jagged rock, even you hate rolling there. Okay, you know what? Fine. Are the alternate controls installed? Good….no, I already told you, no…..no, she can’t sit _behind_ me, not with- oh, come on, how would you even know?....Black out? High acceleration doesn’t even affect you, and besides, I’ll keep it under two units…hey, if you’re worried about her replacing you, don’t worry, I’ll always count on you, you know that.”

               This seems to satisfy BB-8, and you see it lower itself out of the maintenance socket by a small grappling line coming from its head. As BB-8 retracts the line and rolls away, he pauses by you and whistles something before continuing into the base. “He says to have fun,” Poe says as he walks up to you.

               “Yeah?” you ask, raising an eyebrow. “Is that all he said?”

               “Mostly,” Poe replies with a light chuckle as he gnaws on his lower lip in a way that can only be described as cute. “I had the life support system and weapons targeting computer removed to make room for you in the cockpit, but it’ll still be tight with you in my lap, so watch your head. Without the life support, we’ll have to stay lower than four thousand meters, but that’s plenty of room for what I have in mind.”

               “Uh-huh,” you say, replaying Poe’s side of the conversation in your head. “So, uh, that’s why I couldn’t sit behind you?” You raise an eyebrow and he has the decency to smirk as he looks away.

               “Look,” Poe says, his face turning serious as if he really means business, and you can’t help but laugh as you blush and press the knuckles of the back of your hand against your mouth. “Given how much fun you had with the Nova exercise, I figured you might appreciate the thrill of what a starfighter can really do, but I have to be able to strap you in to do the maneuvers safely. I had to swap out the usual yoke with the Rodian control modules to make room for things, and there’s no real way to safely strap you in behind me, so you’ll have to sit in my lap. Do you have a problem with that?” His expression is still somewhat serious, but he’s failing to keep control, and you are blushing so hard you can’t take it anymore.

               “No,” you say simply. “No, I’m sure I’ll be more than comfortable sitting in your, uh, lap.” You can feel your throat tightening so much you can barely get the last word out.

               “Good,” Poe says with his signature smirk. “So, uh, the squadron atmospheric speed record is twenty-one seventy kilometers an hour. Since _Black One_ is the lightest she’s ever been, want to help me break it?”

               You grin in response, and he turns and bounds up the ladder and into the cockpit, motioning for you to come join him. You paused with your hand on the rung before slowly following up after him. You hated ladders, you weren’t quite sure why, but you were never a big fan of ladders. It wasn’t the height that bothered you, or the fear of falling, it was just that you didn’t like ladders. You couldn’t really explain it, but you were eager to climb into Poe’s lap regardless. “Shouldn’t we have our flight suits on for this?” you hesitate as your eyes travel down over his normal clothes.

               “Not this time,” Poe replies coolly. “We’ll be well below the radiation boundary and without the targeting computer there’s no fire risk, so we can just fly comfortably. Hop in.”

               He scoots back in the seat and you climb in and take your place in his lap. He extends straps around you and slowly starts to connect them, sliding them over your chest one at a time as he fastens and secures them. You stare straight ahead, totally cool, not focused on the way you can feel his hot breath against the back of your neck. All of his movements are completely smooth and fluid, like he’s not in the least bit affected, and you’re not sure if he’s just this damn good, or if you are simply absorbing all of his anxiety through the Force. Nope, this was _Poe_ , and so you knew it was the first one for sure. He was just this damn good.

               “Ready to go?”

               “Always am,” you reply.  

               You heard Poe shuffling around behind you, and you could just make out the sound of a familiar knock against his helmet as he slid it on. You turned around awkwardly to look at him, and noticed that this helmet was vastly different than the one you were used to wearing. This one had data displays on the visor, and what looked like a screen that showed what was outside of the fighter, as if he was looking through you. He begins flipping switches on the right, and you can hear the subtle hum of the comlink system coming online. Poe continues to flip switches and you can see displays in his helmet change, seemingly controlled by his eye movements. Eventually, you see an icon in his helmet flash green, and he presses a button to the left to open the comm channel.

               “Starfighter Control, this is Black Leader beginning main power cycle,” Poe says. “My operating ceiling is four thousand meters. I am ordering suspension of any flight activities in grid three-twenty-seven for aerobatic maneuvers. Additionally requesting verification of atmospheric speed record attempt. Projected top speed will be two-two-one-five clicks. Verify atmospheric conditions and sector cleared.”

               “We copy, Black Leader. Sector twenty-seven is clear, and atmospheric conditions are ninety-ninety in all directions. Be advised, Tracking is projecting coronal ejection impact in thirty minutes, so make sure you’re clear by then. I have the speed gate powered up and ready for flyby. Don’t forget that if you’re off by more than ten clicks, you owe me two drinks this time.”

               Poe just lets out a little chuckle. “Understood, Control, the timing couldn’t be more perfect. Starting exit taxi.”

               He flips a lever to your left, and you straighten in your seat as the fighter’s inertial lock disengages. Poe brings the fighter out of its spot, then abruptly turns toward the hangar door and ramps up engine power, pressing you back into Poe as the hangar is quickly replaced with the late afternoon scenery of D’Qar. Over the comlink, you hear a brief crackle, followed by the voice of the Controller. “Starfighter Corps, departing.”

               “What’s that mean?” you ask Poe.

               “Republic Starfleet tradition we brought here with us,” Poe explains. “The custom is to announce the name of an officer’s charge when they come and go from this hangar, rather than their name.” He clears his throat, making no attempt to conceal his cockiness. “Since I’m the Commander of Starfighter Corps, that’s what they use when I come and go. If you were to leave on one of the starfighters, however, they would probably just say, “Moonstaff, departing” unless your specific mission had an official operation title.”

               “Huh,” you murmur, not really sure what else to say to that.

               Poe brings the fighter into a steep climb, and you can see the altitude on the panel in front of you steadily increase to one thousand, two thousand, and three thousand before he levels off at 3500 meters. He circles around and heads away from the base, then suddenly rolls the fighter upside-down briefly before pulling the nose down and into a steep dive at full power. Your stomach does somersaults as you watch as the speed indicator on the panel climbs quickly from five hundred, to one thousand, to 1500, before Poe pulls up and flies toward the base, his speed still rising. A few kilometers out, you can hear the whine of the engines behind you suddenly go silent, but you don’t hear any alarms that indicate that this is a problem.

               “ _Black One_ is supersonic. Have that reading ready, Control.”

               “Roger, Black Leader. 3…2…1…mark.”

               As you flash past the base, you can see that the speed on the panel reads 2200, fifteen less than Poe projected, but you wait for the controller to answer with the official speed before saying anything.

               “You outdid yourself, Black Leader, and judging by the signals I’m getting from your fighter, you’re going to want to recalibrate your pressure compensator since you clocked in at two-two-three-zero. You have the new record, and you owe me for the underestimation.”

               Poe laughs, almost sounding a bit too pleased with himself. “Roger, Control, heading for twenty-seven to get some maneuvers in before the ion storm hits.”

               The sound of the engines returns as he slows the fighter down to the more manageable speed of 1300, which still feels ridiculously fast over the treetops regardless of the speed you were going as he gently turns east. After a few minutes, you spot a large mesa rising from D’Qar’s forest, and you assumed that this must be Laktaras Point that he was talking about with BB-8. “Hold on,” Poe says as he shifts underneath you. “This is where the fun begins.”

               You mentally brace yourself as Poe pulls the fighter up and climbs for a few hundred meters before he pulls back on the controls and brings the fighter around in a complete loop, snapping into several wide, twisting rolls once he reached the bottom, whooping with every completed circle. You squeal as you screw your eyes shut, matching his enthusiasm, and for the next several minutes he put the fighter through wide climbing spirals, more loops and twists, and finished it off by climbing all the way to four thousand meters before pulling around and sending the fighter into a slow free-fall that made you feel as though you could have simply floated away if you weren’t firmly harnessed to him. As he leveled out of the free-fall, the comlink crackled to life. “Black Leader, five minutes until ion storm. Land your fighter and power down before it hits.”

               “Roger, Control, settling on Laktaras Point.”

               He circles around the mesa as he slows down, and brings the fighter down on a large flat area near the edge. As the cockpit canopy swivels up, he pulls a rope ladder from a box in the side of the cockpit and throws it over the edge, motioning for you to get out. You detach your harness and climb up and over the cockpit edge, mentally bracing yourself the few steps down the ladder as you land on the hard rock that is Laktaras Point.

               Poe is quick to follow you, and snaps open a container on the side of the fighter, bringing out a large padded blanket and spreading it on the ground as the sun steadily crept toward the western horizon behind him and the blue sky began to yellow. He takes a seat on the blanket, legs spread wide, and you suppress a smirk as you sit between his legs, leaning back against him as he wraps his arms protectively around you and rests his chin on your shoulder. Above you, D’Qar’s sky turns from yellow to orange, and you can see faint ripples of the sunset aurora beginning, mostly cycling back and forth between blue and green. As the sun gets closer to the horizon, the colors of the sky seem to separate out into the full spectrum, going from a crimson red near the sun and changing from orange to yellow and green before fading into a brilliant indigo of night in the east.

               You hear a faint beep from Poe’s wrist, and he picks up his hand and pulls up his sleeve to look at whatever was on his wrist. “Coronal ejection impacting in 7…6…5…4…3…2…1…”

               Right on cue, the aurora overhead steadily becomes brighter and takes on yellow tinges before suddenly exploding across the entire sky in a wash of color, red and purple streaks rising and falling among the blue and green ripples.

               You can feel emotion bubbling in your chest at the sheer beauty of it, and as you feel Poe’s warmth against you, you suddenly decide that you don’t want to do this. You don’t want to go. You don’t want to see Kylo Ren again, in fact, you don’t care if you never see him again. You liked this, and this was good, and you wanted to keep this moment and have it stretch on and on forever. It was childish thinking, but you couldn’t help yourself. You didn’t want to go. You wanted things to be child-like, you wanted things to be simple. Ever since you had stepped foot on the Starkiller Base years ago, you had been sucked into a whirlwind of adventure and danger and although you couldn’t deny that it had made you stronger, a part of you didn’t want to be bothered. A part of you just wanted to still be curled up in your old bed at your academia in the apartment you lived in with Sadie, studying off your datapad and going to classes that you didn’t really want to be in anyway. It had been boring, looking back, but at the time you had liked and appreciated the security that it had provided you, the same sort of security you wish that you had now.

               “What will happen?” you ask tentatively. “When this whole war is over? What will happen once we capture him and bring down Snoke? What will happen then?”

               “The First Order will probably officially disband,” Poe tells you. “But there will still be people who will try to rise up and take advantage of the scattered faction of Troopers, try to unite them under a different name, a different banner.”

               “So it’s not going to end?” you ask glumly, before you answer your own question. “Not really.”

               “Maybe one day,” Poe tells you. “The Republic knows the catastrophe that resulted from letting the First Order go unchecked the first time, so they’ll probably work to keep a strong militaristic presence to counter any future opponents, for a while, at any rate.”

               “Until they forget?” you ask. “And then someone else comes to seize power and they let it go unchecked and the whole cycle begins again?”

               Poe laughs quietly to himself. “Exactly. The galaxy has had periods of peace, but they are always preceded and followed by war, and I doubt that’s going to change. We can always hope, but in the end, things are just going to unfold the way they want to unfold.”

               “So what I’m doing now-“ you hesitate. “So what I’m doing now isn’t going to really make much of a difference in the long run, is it?”

               “Of course it will,” Poe says, and he sounds surprised as he gives you an extra squeeze for reassurance. “The First Order has been terrorizing the galaxy for years. If you can stop them, think of how many innocent lives that you’ll be saving, think of the people who will be alive because of your courage, your bravery.”

               “Yeah,” you say quietly. He gives you another firm squeeze, but you can’t help but let your thoughts drift back to what Ladson had said. He had been right, as usual. The countless, faceless lives that Kylo had taken didn’t mean anything more to you than the countless lives that you would be saving. Poe was selfless. Poe actively sought out to help others, to make the world a better place, but you were selfish. You wanted _your_ life to be better, and if your goals aligned with the Resistance then so be it. If they had wanted to send you to capture General Hux instead, you wouldn’t have done it. You were only doing this because of Kylo, and you supposed they knew that too. You had thought that you had been moving along the right track to becoming a good person, but you supposed you couldn’t really change that one fundamental part of you that still remained decidedly indifferent.

               “Look,” you say nervously, adjusting yourself uncomfortably in his lap. “You know what I’m probably going to need to do there, right?”

               “We don’t need to talk about it,” Poe says, but you can’t help but quirk an eyebrow at this.

               “Shouldn’t we?” you ask. “I mean, I know that _we_ haven’t, but it doesn’t bother you, not even a little bit?”

               “It doesn’t,” Poe says firmly. “I know where you and I stand. Where you and him stand is another story, but that’s none of my business. Take your time to sort things out with him, and I’ll still be here for you when you get back, whatever you decide.”

               “Will we stay here?” you ask hesitantly. “After everything is done here and Kylo is captured and Snoke is defeated, would we still be allowed to stay here?”

               “Of course,” Poe says. “Remember, Ani is the General’s grandson. Besides Luke, you and Ani are the only real family she has left.” You bite your lip, and you can’t help but feel a wave of sympathy towards her. Maybe you were not so heartless after all. “Besides-“ He rubs his hands up and down your arms, as if you’re cold. “If it means anything, I’d want you to stay.”

               You laugh, shaking your head as a gentle breeze sweeps stray strands of hair across your face. “Oh really? Just like that? I thought I would have to draw that out of you.”

               “No.” Poe leans forward to press a kiss against the side of your head, just above your ear. “No, I don’t want you to ever have to question anything.”

               You close your eyes as you can feel your heart skip a beat in your chest. He was too good for you, far, far too good. “I appreciate that,” is all you can manage.

               You stay out there with him until just before the sun is about to completely set when Poe says that you should start heading back. You don’t protest as you just lean forward to press a quick kiss against his lips before you scramble back into the cockpit and fly home. There’s no more flips, no more whoops or cheers of excitement. No, the air between you was suddenly tense and anxious with what tomorrow had in store for you.

               After you landed, Poe walked you back to your door and planted a quick kiss against your lips. You thought about inviting him inside, but it didn’t seem appropriate. No, instead you spent what could be your final night on the Resistance base with Ladson and Ani, trying to spend one last night together as a happy little family. Ladson still didn’t want you to go, you could tell by the stiff way he held his shoulders, but he didn’t try to talk you out of it. In fact, he was taking it much worse than Ani was, who just seemed to accept the fact that you would be home in a few days and didn’t question it much more than that. You didn’t know whether you should be offended by his apparent apathy or take it as a sign of his resolute confidence that you would return, so you took it as the latter.

               Kylo Ren had killed his own father, but you were hoping that there was still enough good in him not to murder the mother of his child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being over 13k words, and I know most people said they preferred short(er) chapters, so I split it up into two parts, which means we have to wait until tomorrow until we’re off to see Kylo Ren!! (Sorry!!) Originally Kylo Ren appeared back in chapter 19, but some chapters were really long and I decided to break them up, which is why it’s been taking a while for him to make his appearance.
> 
> A quick note since some people seem really concerned about Poe x Reader, it is deliberate. I am trying to put the reader into the perspective of some of the people I work with as a crisis counselor, in many different ways, to try to really understand her thought process. There are so many times when the reader describes Poe as “too good for her” and constantly extols his great qualities, and as we all know, idolizing someone to such an extent can never be healthy. There are/can be many different reasons for this. For one, it’s not totally uncommon for someone to date a “bad boy” and then turn around and try to date a “good guy” as if that sort of balances things out. The reader also, knowing she is going back to Kylo, is subconsciously worried about going back to a dark place within herself after struggling so hard to find balance, and being with Poe is sort of justified as the other end of that scale, as if she's hoping to absorb some of his "goodness." It’s almost as if you’re binging on sweets and cakes one day and then starving yourself the other in an attempt to try to reclaim that neutral state. It’s really interesting to see the way people get into all sorts of relationships (or simply pursuing some people over others) for a variety of reasons, most of which don’t actually have anything to do with the partner, but because they’re trying to complete something in themselves, and that’s something I see a lot of in my work and a topic that I am very interested in exploring. So explore it I shall!! 
> 
> By the way, if you're following along with the specs from Wookieepedia, there isn't a whole lot of canon information available so I did the best with what I could find. They don't list a top speed for the T-70 X-Wing, they just say that it's faster than the T-65, which has a top speed listed at 1250 kph. This number seems kinda ...low? I don't know where they got that information from, but in real life, a F-22A Raptor has an unclassified low-altitude top speed of 1960 km/h, with two high-performance engines. Adding a multiplier for classification and four engines instead of two, and taking in account a reducing factor for engine design based on the cross-section, 2150 km/h seemed like a more realistic top speed for the unmodified T-70. (I'm just saying!!) 
> 
> Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	25. Chapter 25

               You slept surprisingly well that night, and when you awoke in the morning, you had started to put on the orange jumpsuit you had gotten so accustomed to wearing. It was already halfway up your thighs before you realized your mistake, and you were thankful that you were at least able to laugh at yourself as you put on your normal clothes. You held your lightsaber in your hands, tossing it back and forth, before you set it down. You didn’t like the fact that you were leaving it behind, but you knew there wasn’t a chance you could really bring it with you; Kylo would most assuredly confiscate it from you, or you could lose it, and you knew you weren’t going to get another. Besides, if you did die, at least it would be there for Ani to inherit.

               You can hear Ani and Ladson starting to wake up and quickly make your way out the door and down to the command center. You would say your goodbyes when you had to, and not a second before. It was still early in the morning, and the command center wasn’t as crowded as it had been before, as only a handful of people operated the consoles on either side of the room. You see a familiar orange-and-white droid roll up to you, and you force a smile to your lips as he stops in front of you. “Why, hello there, BB-8.”

               BB-8 emits a few beeps and whistles, and you think you caught a greeting in there, but you couldn’t be sure exactly what he was saying.

               “He wishes you luck on your mission.” You spin around sharply to see Poe standing behind you, and you’re silently thankful that you’re not blushing just at the sight of him. He looks confident, and not at all concerned, and you try to siphon a bit of his positive energy as you turn towards Leia and the Calamari accompanying her.

               “How are you feeling?” she asks you as she stops in front of you, and you just shrug your shoulders.

               “Confident,” you reply, with a quick glance in Poe’s direction, and it’s all you can do not to wink at him.

               Leia just lets out a deep breath as she looks at you nervously. “Please be on guard. I can’t promise your safety-“

               “You never did,” you tell her. “We don’t know what’s going to happen, but you allowed the others to train me, and this is me repaying that debt.”

               “It’s not a debt,” Leia says firmly, but doesn’t push the inquiry any further as she pulls up a hologram of the galaxy on the round console in the middle of the room, and turns to introduce the Calamari standing beside her.

               “This is Gial Ackbar. As I believe Rey has told you, he was once the Grand Admiral of the Republic Starfleet, but he dropped the title when he retired years ago. As our master strategist, he’ll explain your part in this operation. Gial?”

               He steps forward and shakes your hand. “So good to finally meet you, although I wish it wasn’t on such solemn terms,” he says. “When we pull this off, we’ll be a large step closer to finally wiping Palpatine’s legacy from the galaxy. Ordinarily we would have briefed you along with all the other commanders heading the mission, but given the clandestine nature of your role, I’m sure you understand the need to limit what you know of the operation.”

               “Naturally,” you reply as calmly as you can, but inwardly you can’t help but snort. _Clandestine. Right. As if everyone wasn’t already talking about your role from behind closed doors anyway._ You sneak a look at Poe, but he’s not looking at you, and he seemed more or less unfazed. If he was jealous or uncomfortable with the situation in any way, he was hiding it well. Besides, you knew the point Ackbar was trying to make. If Kylo was able to overpower you and read your thoughts, the less you knew the better.

               You quickly focus back on Ackbar as he turns to the panel to control the hologram. The view of the galaxy zooms in on the west, on the Unknown Regions. Somewhere between two stars, a large red sphere appears with a line label that read _First Order Exclusion Zone._

“Given the extreme personal risk you’re taking, I think it’s only fair that you at least understand the urgency of this mission, and why the timing of your offer to help could not have been more perfect. Our scouts have been trying to penetrate this particular zone of First Order control, but it’s extremely well-defended and now we think we know why. Our intelligence indicates that the First Order is in the final phase of constructing their first true dreadnought to complement their _Resurgent_ -class Star Destroyers. Based on the transmissions we intercepted, they’ve fittingly named it the _Inquisitor,_ and it’s rumored to be Snoke’s personal flagship. Our projects place completion of construction within three weeks, so we have a _very_ small window to work with before this new terror is operational. But if you see here, however-“

               The map zooms back out to a wider view of the galactic sector before zooming back in to another sector just beyond the border of the Western Reaches, where a smaller blinking yellow sphere appeared, labelled _Resolute Battle Group._

“-this is where Ren’s personal flagship is located,” Ackbar explains. “He calls it the _Resolute._ Can’t say I’m surprised he went and named it after the ship his grandfather commanded during the Clone Wars. Currently the full fleet escort that would usually surround it is seemingly busy defending the exclusion zone, so there’s only a light cruiser and support frigate. Given the blatant lack of subtlety in his proposition to you-“ You stretch your neck out to the side as you see Poe glance at you out of the corner of your eye. “-I figured Ren must either lack all sense or that this was a trap they were confident could not be foiled and didn’t even bother to hide. I’ve since concluded that it’s the former, as we’ve already located the frigate wolf pack lying in wait to ambush us from hyperspace and have an unpleasant surprise planned for them in return. It’s quite a sloppy, desperate move, which shows Ren must be operating his battle group independent of any central strategy, another advantage for us, since we can be confident the _Finalizer_ isn’t lying in wait for us since General Hux would never have tolerated such a grave tactical error, even as a diversion.”

               You just raise your eyebrows as you breathe out through your nose, trying your best not to laugh. You knew the First Order was losing, but the fact that it was because Kylo Ren sucked at military strategy was somehow ridiculously funny to you. Not that you would probably be any better, but apparently his Force skills and raw temper were definitely compensating for something. He may have had power, but power without intelligence and direction were all but meaningless when fighting a war.

               Ackbar breaks you from your thoughts with a dramatic sigh. “The Anakin Skywalker I served with in the Clone Wars would be furious if he knew his military legacy was being squandered this way. If Ren’s paying attention, he may already know-“ He stops short as though he’s suddenly realized something, and he turns to face one of the operators on a wall console. “Jaris, hurry to Tracking and tell them to review transmission seven-nine-one for discrepancies. I need that analysis done before the briefing this afternoon.” The operator disappears through the door and Ackbar turns back to you.

               “So where was I?” he asks himself, as he taps the side of his head with one long finger. Whatever that was about, you assumed it had nothing to do with you. Although curious, you decide to just let it go. The less you knew, the less Kylo would be able to learn about the Resistance’s strategy if he was able to overpower you and make it into your thoughts.

               “You were just explaining that Kylo Ren is a terrible military strategist and he’s embarrassing his grandfather’s legacy, sir,” you say as coolly as possible, and Poe presses the back of his hand into his mouth to suppress a laugh while Leia just rolls her eyes.

“Oh, right, yes.” He taps the console, and as the hologram zooms in on the yellow sphere, it revolves into the unmistakable wedge shape of a First Order Star Destroyer, flanked by two other ships you did not recognize. After another tap, you see a red rectangle highlighted on the Star Destroyer’s port bow.

               “From our experiences with the _Resurgent-_ class, this appears to be their main receiving hangar. On the off chance they grant you clearance to manually dock your fighter, this is where you need to go. Now, for your route.” The hologram zooms back out to show the southern half of the galaxy, and you watch as a thin red line snakes from D’Qar to various labelled checkpoint systems, such as Sullust, Eiatu, Naalol, Noe’ha’on, and Takodana before coming to an end at Jakku.

Hopefully you wouldn’t end up crashing there too.

               You can hear light footsteps approaching from behind you, and you turn around to see Wedge walk in. “Ah, Captain Antilles, glad you can join us,” Ackbar says in a friendly voice.

               “Sorry I got here late,” Wedge says in quick apology. “Don’t let me interrupt anything; please, continue.”

               “This is the route Chewbacca proposed to me to minimize both your fuel use and the chances of a mistaken Republic interception,” Ackbar explains. “While the Republic is well aware we are sending you in as the hook to finally capture Ren, we neglected to inform them that you would be arriving in a Special Forces TIE Fighter to eliminate the chance of you being immediately shot down by the _Resolute’s_ fighter patrols. The fighter only carries so much fuel, so it’s vital that you manually program the hyperdrive along this route to maximize the efficiency. Don’t worry about memorizing the checkpoints, as a list will be provided to you before you leave. Once you reach Jakku, you will have to activate the fighter’s recall protocol since the Unknown Regions lack sufficient navigation references for a proper manual jump.”

               Ackbar stops and turns to Wedge. “Care to weigh in on the route planning, Captain?”

               Wedge uncrosses his arms and seems to think for a moment before he begins speaking. “Lack of reference isn’t the only reason you’ll have to do a recall jump. While it seems Ren may be a tactical fool, most of his men will probably still be on alert, regardless. According to past response patterns, it is likely you will be intercepted by a fighter escort and captured by a tractor beam upon your arrival, so it’s vital that everything about your trip looks independent and unplanned, since the fighter’s navigation logs are the first thing they’ll check. The evasive nature of Chewie’s route makes it look like you’re running away from D’Qar in the first place, but the recall jump will seal the illusion. All carrier-based fighters have a recall mode so that they can always return home to rearm and refuel, but it’d usually be incredibly stupid for an outsider to jump that way so using that instead of any preprogrammed coordinates will give the impression that you don’t really know what you’re doing and downplay the threat you pose. I can tell you that a recall jump is chaotic and never pleasant, though, and you might find yourself sick to your stomach-“ You internally wince. “-but successfully selling the trick is absolutely vital to being able to rescue you. Given how many of these elite fighters they’ve lost, they will be eager to reclaim this one once the investigation clears it, transmitter and all.”

You tilt your head to the side and consider this as Ackbar continues talking. So they wanted to send you the long way around to make it look like you were literally searching the galaxy for him, instead of just heading straight there. That worked for you. Pretending to have no idea what you’re doing and making things up as you went along was apparently one of your specialties.

“The fighter has always been flightworthy, but the extensive preparations of late have centered around installing Chewbacca’s undetectable transmitter to track your location should Ren gain some sense and decide to relocate. Given the crude trap he has established, this is unlikely, but still possible. Good luck and may the Force be with you.”

               “Any more questions?” Poe asks as he turns to face you.

               “None,” you reply smoothly. “I’m ready to do this.”

               Leia pulls you into a tight embrace, and you hug her back. She pulls away to study your face, and nods to herself. “You are much stronger now, I can feel it. We all have the utmost confidence in what you’re about to do. May the Force be with you.”

               “Thank you.” You nod to her as she releases you, and then turn to Poe and walk with him side by side out into the hangar where everyone is already waiting. “Hey guys,” you say as brightly as possible as you walk up to them. Finn immediately pulls you into his arms, rocking you back and forth.

               “You’re going to do great,” he tells you. “Remember, just grab a blaster, set it to stun and… _zzzzzzz_ …knock him out, and we’ll take it from there.”

               “Sounds like a plan,” you laugh as you let go. He claps you on the shoulder before you turn to Rey, and she gives you a tight-lipped smile before she wraps her arms around you.

               “Be careful,” she says, speaking gently into your ear. “I’m going to worry about you.”

               “Don’t,” you tell her as you pull away. “You know I can handle it; you’ve seen what I’ve been through before.”

               “I know,” she says teasingly. “That’s why I’m worried.”

               You just laugh and shake your head as you turn to Ladson. “Be safe,” he says firmly. “Don’t do anything stupid like you did the last time.”

               “I did plenty of stupid things the last time,” you tell him. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”

               He just shakes his head as he pulls you into a quick hug. “I mean it, you better come back, because they are not going to be happy if I have to steal a ship and come after you myself.”

               “You wouldn’t be alone in that,” Poe adds, and you can’t help but smirk in his direction as you bend down to face Ani.

               “Will you be gone long?” he asks, as if he’s starting to get second thoughts about you leaving. “Where are you going? Is it dangerous?”

               “When you get older, I think you’ll find that quite literally everything you do can be dangerous in one way or another,” you tell him as you tap the tip of his nose with your index finger. “But what’s life without a little danger, right?” You scoop him into a big hug, swaying gently from side to side. “You’re the man of the house for a little while. Take care of Ladson. Keep him out of trouble.”

               “I will,” Ani says solemnly, and you can’t help but laugh as you stand up and turn awkwardly towards Poe.

               “So, I’ll, uh, see you-“ you mumble awkwardly, waving your hand in the air as if trying to materialize words into your mouth.

               “Yeah,” Poe says, as he wraps his arms around you in a quick hug. You pull away from him awkwardly, keenly aware that you are being watched _very_ closely.

               “So what do you think?” you say quickly, turning to the rest of the group. “Think I can do this? I’ll be fine, right?”

               Finn grins as he punches one fist into his other hand. “You got this.”

               “Believe in yourself,” Rey reminds you. “You are strong enough to face him; I have no doubts.”

               “I’ll be fine,” you say, turning to Poe. “As long as someone taught me well enough so I don’t crash the fighter on the way there.” Poe just grins and you believe this is the first time you’ve seen him actually a little awkward. It was kind of endearing, in a cute way.

               “Hey Poe,” Finn says suddenly. “You should help her out. Make sure she’s all settled on board and everything.”

               Ladson literally throws back his head as he rolls his eyes, but you just smile. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.” You bend down to Ani’s level and give him another quick hug. “Take care of yourself, okay? I love you.”

               “I will,” Ani says, and you smile and give everyone one last wave as you head inside the ship with Poe following at your heels.

               “Take care of them,” you say, making sure you’re both out of sight as you turn to face him. “Seriously, make sure Ladson and Ani are okay while I’m gone. Ani seems fine, but Ladson-“

               “They’ll be fine,” Poe says quickly. “I’ll make sure of it, but remember, you won’t be there for long. As soon as you leave we’re going to start planning the counter offensive. You won’t be there more than a few days, so get ready.”

               “A few days,” you shrug, trying to seem flippant, but suddenly you grab Poe and wrap your arms around him, burying your face in his shoulder. “I’m fine,” you tell him, although the emotion in your voice betrays you.

               “You can do this,” Poe says firmly as he holds you at arm’s length. “I believe in you.”

               You reach up and slip both hands over his cheeks as you kiss him, pressing your body into his. You hold yourself in place for a moment as his hands slip around your waist, and for a moment you just stand there, kissing him, refusing to let in any other thoughts that would distract you from the taste of Poe’s lips against yours.

               “Okay,” you say as you pull away. “If I’m going to do this, then I should go.”

               “Good luck,” Poe says, and as you settle yourself into the pilot’s seat, you wish that those hadn’t been what could be his last words to you. Luck would only get you so far, the rest you would have to do yourself.

               As you strap in, you take a quick glance around the cockpit. The controls were basically identical to the ones in the Omega shuttle, except the screens were a little smaller, and all around you were panels and control systems that you had never seen before in your life. Considering that Poe had never mentioned them, you figured they were something that you didn’t need to concern yourself with. Attached to the console screen was a folded sheet of red-edged flimsiplast, and you quickly picked it up and unfolded it to read Poe’s scribbled handwriting.

               OPERATION: DAUNTLESS

               _TIE/sf-SJ59207, designation Surprise Package_

ITINERARY:

_-Sullust (obsidian and lava)_

_–Eiatu (blue depths)_

_-Naalol (mountains)_

_-Calonica_

_-Noe’ha’on (jungle planet with bug people…don’t go there, trust me)_

_-Takodana_

_-Taloraan (orange gas giant)_

_-Jakku (Rey says don’t land here, she doesn’t want to go back)_

_-Resolute (your final destination)_

_Can’t wait for you to get back ;)_

               v TEAR SHEET TO AUTO-INCINERATE v

               As you read it over, you couldn’t help but gnaw on your lower lip until you could have sworn you tasted the slick, salty taste of blood. Did Poe really just draw a winky face on your official trip itinerary? Really? You hoped that thing really could auto-incinerate, because if it couldn’t, you would be in a lot of trouble. Considering that the entire thing was a mission objective, you knew that would be the most damning thing in itself if Kylo got his hands on it, but the winky face would probably be what ensured your demise once and for all.

               You shake your head and hang it up on a conveniently placed clip off to your left for easy reference. Underneath it, you saw one more small piece of red-edged self-destructing flimsiplast on the screen, and again recognized Poe’s scrawling handwriting, hoping beyond all hopes this wasn’t going to be a mushy love letter of farewell. The winky face had already turned your face a bright crimson, and you weren’t sure what else he would write or what effect it would have on you. Even still, it might contain something important to the mission at hand, and so you had to open it.

               _Last lesson: Don’t start the solar reactors until you get into the air, since it sets off all kinds of alarms in our fighters. The fighter starts just like I showed you on the Omega, but start it with the onboard power cells. You need every last bit of power to get to the ship, so the charging umbilical will still be attached until you’re ready to leave. Once you’ve got it started up, make sure to verify it’s disconnected – don’t make the same dumb mistake I did back on the Finalizer. When you start the solar reactors, don’t be surprised by the sudden kick when the engines briefly go to full power, and don’t forget to put the shields up before you climb. _

_I know you’re probably still blushing from my last message, so I won’t distract you any further. Just know that we all_ _believe in you. You can do this, and we’ll be there to get you before you know it. May the Force be with you._

You blushed harder as you tucked the note into a strap in your harness. It was going to be a long flight, and you didn’t feel like destroying the note quite yet. Something told you that you were going to be rereading the last part of his note over and over again. How did he know that winky face would make you blush? Was it just an assumption or did he really know you that well? How many times did you blush in his presence anyway? It wasn’t something you wanted to think about, especially not now, of all times, and so you quickly shook your head to clear it as you focused on the task at hand.

               Looking down at the console, you flip a small red toggle in the lower left corner and watch as the small screen comes to life. You flick through the pages until you find the one for the fighter’s power systems and press _Start from Reserve Power._ All around you, the systems suddenly come to life, flashing a variety of colors as the cockpit windows in front of you display a system status check. Once the onboard computer finishes the preflight diagnostic, you flip the repulsors to _Active_ and feel the fighter gradually rise to a hover beneath you. All that was left was to disconnect the power umbilical.

               “See you soon, guys,” you whisper to no one in particular as you press the button to activate the comlink. “Starfighter Control, this is Moonstaff. _Surprise Package_ is fully operational and ready to switch to internal power.”

               “Roger, Moonstaff.”

               Outside, you see the two mechanics who had been standing by rush toward the fighter and briefly disappear around the right panel before they reappear with a large power cable dragging behind them. On your screen, you see that the fighter is running off of its onboard power cells and a prompt appears with a button to activate the solar reactions, but you remember Poe’s warning not to touch it until you’re in the air. You quickly press the button for the comlink again.

               “Starfighter Control, _Surprise Package_ is running on internal power and I am ready to commence operation.”

               “Roger, Moonstaff, you’re clear for departure.”

               Lightly pushing forward on the engine control, you’re only mildly surprised to find that the fighter instantly responds to your smallest movements. As you reach the hangar’s centerline, you turn to face the exit, pausing briefly before increasing power and gliding towards the doors. As you pass through the hangar exit and into D’Qar’s blue sky, you hear a voice floating through the comlink.

               “Dauntless, departing. May the Force be with you, Moonstaff.”

               You pull into a slow climb and brace yourself against your seat as you reach for the blinking button on the screen. Immediately, the fighter leaps forward as the reactors start, and you start the shield generators as you pull the fighter up into a steep climb, rocketing away from D’Qar’s green surface and everyone you cared for and toward the deep reaches of the Unknown Regions. They all had the utmost faith in you, and you couldn’t let them down, especially not Ani. Or Ladson. Or Poe. Or Finn, or Rey, or Leia. They all had invested their time and energy into preparing you for this, and you had to put all of your feelings for Kylo aside and focus on the mission. It wasn’t just about the Resistance. These were people that had taken time out of their lives to help train you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to disappoint them. You owed them, in some small way, you did, and if this is what you had to do to repay that debt, then so be it.

               As you reach the edge of the asteroid field, the red ring around the hyperdrive section on the console turns blue, and you enter the coordinates for Sullust and the navigation profile before plunging into the swirl of hyperspace. You let idle thoughts float around your brain, trying not to think of what Kylo’s reaction will be upon seeing him, knowing you were only going to psych yourself out, or what your friends were doing back on base right now, knowing that it would only hurt too much and you might be inclined to just turn around and head home and forget the whole thing. Even still, at this point in your trip, you don’t think you’d even have enough fuel to get you home, as you gaze at the route Chewie had planned out for you. It took you past the desolate obsidian plains of Sullust, the watery depths of Eiatu, and the jungles of Noe’ha’on and Takodana before coming to a stop over the pale deserts of Jakku. The planet looked completely pale, and lifeless, an antagonism to Rey’s vibrant personality, and for a moment you could briefly appreciate why she didn’t want to go back, and why Poe and Finn had gone to such great lengths to set up that Green Room for her.

               Remembering how much the First Order loved to serialize everything, you double-check that you have the fighter’s serial number memorized and linger over Poe’s note one last time before you tear them both up and watch as they disintegrate into ionized puffs.

               _You can do this._

Tear.

_We’ll be there to get you before you know it._

Tear.

_We all believe in you._

Tear.

_Can’t wait for you to get back. ;)_

And they’re gone.

Pushing away the unpleasant emotions that had started to bubble in your chest, you call up the fighter’s recall homing to return to the _Resolute,_ engage the hyperdrive, and immediately regret it. This jump was different than any other you had taken, and you can feel your nervous energy slip into a knot in the pit of your stomach as the vortex outside twists and turns through the uncharted Unknown Regions in a way you had never seen. _Chewie better have gotten this right, because I definitely have no idea where the fuck I am now_ , you think to yourself before the vortex dissolves into the black emptiness of the middle of nowhere. You couldn’t see any ships, but you felt like this was the right place, although part of you was concerned that this was simply the bond reactivating, signaling that you were close to Kylo’s physical presence. If you could barely stand the anticipation flowing through you now, how would you react to even just being in the same room with him? Acting on instinct, you turn the fighter around and through the windows ahead of you, you suddenly spot it, a dark grey wedge almost invisible against the blackness of space, flanked by the pale silhouettes of two smaller escorts.

               Suddenly, you see a swarm of TIE Fighters headed towards you from the _Resolute._ Given how close they were, they couldn’t have just launched from the Star Destroyer, so Kylo had apparently sent them to be on guard and expect you after all. You weren’t quite sure what that meant, if it had to mean anything at all. As they close in, your console screen flashes red and you can hear the sound of targeting alarms before the comlink crackles to life with the short, clipped tone that was so characteristic of the First Order. To be honest, you had gotten used to the colloquial familiarity of the Resistance, and you had to silently remind yourself now what exactly you were getting back into. A part of you was suddenly afraid, very, very afraid.

               “Rogue pilot, you have entered a restricted area with stolen property. Fighter Silac-Julian-five-nine-two-zero-seven was confirmed destroyed over Candoria several weeks ago, so you have much to explain. Proceed directly to port main receiving hangar and do not deviate from course or you will be swiftly destroyed.”

               You just tilt your head to the side in consideration and decide not to answer as you proceed towards the _Resolute,_ and on your tracking scopes you can see that the squadron of TIE Fighters have closed into a tight formation around you to ensure you went directly to the ship and nowhere else. For a brief moment, you consider engaging the weapons to take out the fighters and give Poe and his friends a few less ships to worry about when they were in the air, but you thought better of it. You didn’t know the weapons controls even half as well as they did, and they would probably shoot you down before you even did anything. Some distance away from the white-rimmed hangar, you felt a jolt and the hum of the reactors dies away beneath you as a message pops up on the screen: _Tractor Docking Active._

So apparently they weren’t going to let you dock normally after all. You couldn’t really say that you were surprised, although a small part of you assumed that Kylo Ren wanted them to dock you, not only so that there was no chance of you escaping, but because he probably didn’t trust your piloting skills. Not that you could blame him. A few years ago, he knew that you didn’t know how to fly even a simple transport shuttle. Little did he know that you had been training with _the_ best pilot the Resistance had to offer. As much as you didn’t know how he had changed over the past few years, he had no idea who you had become either. He didn’t know how much you changed, how much you had grown, how much stronger you were now since your last meeting. That was something you wanted to use to your full advantage.

               The tractor beam guided you through the containment shield and into the massive hangar before landing the fighter neatly at the end of a long row of fighters bearing the same red accent as the one you were flying. Outside, you could see a platoon of Storm Troopers surrounding the fighter, but no sign of Kylo Ren. That was probably smart. You figured he could probably sense your approach, just as you had sensed him, but then again, there was always the possibility that this could be a trap of some sort, so it made sense to send the troops to check first. Regardless, you weren’t going to just sit in there and wait for them to figure it out for themselves. You opened the overhead hatch and climbed up, where you’re hauled out onto a platform by two Storm Troopers who escort you down a set of stairs and into an awaiting circle of Storm Troopers who all had their blasters raised. None of them looked like they had any real authority over any of the others, and so you simply held your hands up by your head, showing that you meant them no harm.

               “Hi there,” you say as brightly as possible. “I’ve come to seek a private audience with the great Kylo Ren. I believe he is expecting me.”

               You wait for them to answer. You wait for them to be confused, or ask your name, but instead one of them just fires a stun blaster into your side, and you immediately drop to your knees from the force of impact. You try to get up, but your vision is swimming, and you can feel them getting closer, surrounding you, as your vision slowly fades to black. You’re still hanging onto the last waking threads of consciousness before you hear a muffled voice through one of the helmets.

               “Take her to Ren.”

               Well, at least you were here now. You didn’t know what to expect when you opened your eyes, and you let Poe’s voice drift back to you for a final time.

               _“Good luck.”_

Luck would only get you so far, the rest you would have to do yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You wake up to find yourself strapped to a table similar to the one Rey was strapped to.  
> Someone you've never seen before is sitting directly in front of you.  
> "Where is Kylo Ren?"  
> "He's not on board."  
> Figures that he suspected a trap and took off running when you arrived without Ani.  
> "Who are you then?"  
> He looks up at you.  
> "Hi, I'm Matt. I'm a radar technician." 
> 
> Nah, I'm just kidding. We finally get to see Kylo Ren again, everybody! And it only took 24 chapters to get there!! Huzzah!!  
> We still have a solid 632 days until ep8, not that I'm counting or anything, so I don't mind taking the long road around. We've got plenty of time to kill, so why not make the most of it?  
> Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	26. Chapter 26

               Your eyes snap open. The last time you had been hit by a stun blaster, you had been groggy for a short while as you came back to yourself, but this time, your mind was sharp and alert when you awoke. The first thing that you were aware of was the mental clamps that were bitterly cold against your delicate skin, strapping down your wrists and ankles to a vertical table. The second thing you were aware of was Kylo Ren, who was sitting on a chair in front of you, waiting for you to wake up.

               You can’t help but grin as you see him, as you feel his familiar energy. It’s not that you want to, but just the recognizable sensation of his presence being so close to you almost made you forget everything that had happened in the years of his absence. He still had on his signature black armor, but the helmet that he wore was different. This one was almost entirely black with only a rectangular metal covering over the slit for his eyes that lacked the familiar lines and grooves the last one had. It looked almost shoddily constructed, as though it had been quickly patched together at the last minute.

               “Why are you smiling?” At least it still had that familiar voice distortion. For some reason, it didn’t intimidate you as much as it usually did, whether it had been so long since you had last heard it, or whether it was because Kylo Ren himself did not, could not, scare you anymore.  

               “Because you’re here,” you tell him, keeping your voice light and casual. “You told me to come to you, and I did.”

               He pushes his hands against his knees as he stands up and takes a step towards you. “I told you to bring the boy.”

               You try to shrug, but you can’t really with the way the clamps are holding your wrists in place. “You mean Ani? Your son?” You can hear him snort through the mask, and you feel a bit uneasy, but try not to let it show. “He’s getting older, you know. He’s starting to look just like you. I mean, he always has, but if I put you two in a room together, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you two apart.”

               “I very much doubt that.” He undoes a mechanism at the base of the helmet and slides it off so that you can see his face. Your eyes trail the scar that starts in the middle of his forehead, down over his right eye and expands into a solid gash down the right side of his face, where it seems to continue to his jaw line, although the rest is hidden by his collar and his scarf. You quickly flick your eyes back to his, determined not to show the least bit of pity. You know it would only anger him. “You don’t look surprised.”

               “I’ve heard the stories,” you say quietly. Kylo looks down at his helmet like he considers putting it back on before he tosses it onto the chair beside him with a deafening _clunk_. It sounds heavy, but you try not to let it unnerve you.

               “Why did you really come?” he asks firmly, as he starts to pace the width of the room, back and forth in front of you.

               “Because you told me you loved me,” you tell him, trying to make your voice sound as innocent as possible. “You told me we could be together again, so here I am.”

                He lets out a laugh as he rubs the gloved thumb of his left hand over his bottom lip. “I think we both know that you’re not stupid enough to fall for that.” You close your eyes as you feel your heart sink in your chest. You knew it had sounded too good to be true when he had said it, but now it was Kylo telling you himself that he did not really love you. It only took you five years of waiting, but you finally got your answer. Kylo Ren did not care about you. You were just a pawn to him, a thing to be used to try to get to Ani. He turns around to face you, as though he’s surprised. “You seem disappointed.”

               “I-“ You can feel your heart burn in your chest, and for a moment you think you might be fighting back tears. Why had you _done_ this? Why had you been so eager to see him again? You had been hoping that his feelings for you really were genuine, you were hoping with the same hope that Leia had that there was still _some_ bit of goodness in him, some bit that still cared. You meet Kylo’s dark eyes for a moment as you watch them glimmer with some dark spark of malice that you’ve never seen before.

               “Or did you?” He takes a step closer towards you, and his voice has a reckless, malicious edge that you had never quite heard before either. “Did you really think you and the child would come out here and we would all live together as a family? Are you really that desperate for me? That foolish?”

               “Child,” you manage to say, refusing to give into his taunting. “At least that’s better than boy.”

               He pushes his face to the side of yours, and you turn your head, not willing yourself to look at him. “Where is he?”

               “With your mother,” you spit as you turn your head to face him. Your faces are so close now, if you leaned forward, strained just a bit; you could probably reach out and kiss him. For the first time in a very, very long time, you had no desire to.  

               He just laughs again as he takes a step backwards, away from you. “She knows where you are, doesn’t she?” You cast your eyes down, not willing yourself to look at him again. “She’s the one that sent you didn’t she?”

               “I asked her to borrow a ship,” you tell him simply. “I never told her which one, and I never told her I was going to see you.”

               “Then how did you know how to find me?” He tilts his head to the side, considering you.

               “I followed your instructions and asked her,” you say as casually as possible. “In the morning, after I saw you last. I asked her where you were and she told me your general whereabouts, just like that. They’re not keeping any secrets from me, not anymore. So I just sat on the information for a week or so and waited until no one suspected that I would go anywhere, and then I left Ani with Ladson and took off to come find you. I got a little lost from D’Qar, there was this really blue planet I passed, and one that looked like it was covered with a lot of jungles, and then I got lost again around Jakku before I finally figured out a way to program the ship so it would immediately take me back to wherever it was sent from, and I was hoping that it would be wherever you were.” You pause for a moment in consideration. “And here you are, so I guess I lucked out.”

               He just shakes his head, like he doesn’t believe you. “First she sends my father to collect me, and now she sends you.” He makes a small noise of consideration. “It’s a shame your fates will be the same. You should have brought me the child and stayed out of this. I might have spared you.”

               “You should have come back for me,” you snap. “If you had not left me on that rock, this could have all been different. I wouldn’t have known anything that you’d done and you would have actually gotten to see your son.”

               He laughs, as though he’s enjoying your anger. “I have no feelings for the child. It’s Snoke who wants to train him.”

               You hesitate for a moment, and it’s at that moment when you’re picking up a different kind of emotion from him. His voice was cocky and sure, and his demeanor was solid, but there was something intangible that betrayed him. “You’re lying.”

               He narrows his eyes as he scowls at you. “You don’t know anything.”

               “I know he’s your son,” you say firmly as you decide to push things further. “And I know that you _had_ feelings for me, and I know you loved me, and I know Snoke probably wants to try to convince you that you don’t-“

               “You don’t know _anything_ ,” Kylo shouts as his hands ball into fists at his side. His sudden temper frightens you, just a little bit, but you were not going to back down, not from this. Not from him.

               “-because then he can isolate you and manipulate you just like he did before.” You yell over him, straining against your restraints.

               “You’re wrong,” Kylo says firmly, with a hint of finality in his voice. Your eyes slide shut, and you take a moment to focus. You’re angry, you’re hurt, and you can feel your negative emotions coursing through your veins, giving you adrenaline, but you don’t need it right now. Right now, you need to focus; you need to stay calm. You take a deep breath in through your nose and out through your mouth. Okay, maybe you were wrong, but you had a strong feeling that you weren’t. You had always been so good at reading Kylo in the past, that’s why you were here. Snoke wanted to manipulate him, which was easier to do if he was isolated, but could he actually convince Kylo that he didn’t really love you? Or did he convince-

               “He convinced you that I didn’t,” you murmur under your breath. His face hardens, but he doesn’t answer you. For a moment, you let that shock run through you as you take a moment to process it. You had always been so open and genuine about your feelings for him, while he was the one who held back, and yet after all the time he spent with you, spent inside your head, spent training you, he still doubted you? You couldn’t fathom how that was possible, and yet…

               “Snoke convinced you that I didn’t love you?” You can’t believe you have to ask that question. It just felt so impossible for Kylo to believe that, unless Snoke really did have a firmer grip on him than you thought.

               “You betrayed me,” Kylo yells. “You ran off with the Resistance-“

               “I waited for you for _years_ ,” you yell over him. “I got no word, no sign that you were _ever_ coming back for me.” He crosses his arms over his chest as he looks away, sulking like a petulant child. “What is wrong with you?” You kick and fight at the restraints, leaning closer to him. “I know what happened to you. I know that Snoke manipulated you and turned you against your family, and maybe Snoke did tell you not to come back for me, that I don’t know, but you are an _adult_ and at some point you need to stop playing the victim, stop letting yourself be controlled, and take responsibility for your _own choices_.”

               Kylo spins around and punches the table next to your head, and you can feel the vibrations coursing through the metal. His face is directly in front of yours and he takes shallow breaths in and out of his nostrils. “The Supreme Leader is wise. I don’t need anyone. They will all betray me, even you, even my loyalist of subjects. Snoke is the only one who has ever been there for me, although I couldn’t expect you to understand.”

               “Do you hear yourself right now?” you demand. “When have I ever been your _subject_? We were equals. I loved you; I stayed with you out of my own free will until you sent me away. Loving you was my choice.”

               “And now?” he asks. “Now that you’ve learned about everything I’ve done?” You bite your lip and turn your head away. “That’s what I thought.”

               “Like that makes a difference,” you spit. “If I told you that I loved you or if I told you that I didn’t, it’s pretty clear that I don’t matter to you anymore. You’re going to kill me anyway.”

               “Not before I get what I want out of you.” He holds one hand out in front of him, and you groan as your head snaps back against the table. You close your eyes and concentrate as hard as you can, forcing yourself to be strong, willing yourself to be unbreakable. You stare into the immense blackness behind your eyelids and try to ignore the pounding on your brain, try to ignore the popping in your skull that feels like a thousand sticks of dynamite blowing holes in your nerve endings. You grit your teeth as you feel tears squeezing out of the corners of your eyes, but Kylo doesn’t let up. Instead he pushes harder, and the pain in the back of your head radiates down into your neck as you cry out and let something slip. It’s just a little something, something so small you’re not quite sure what it is, a fragment of a memory, but you can hear Kylo’s triumphant sneer as he knows he’s breaking through.

               For a moment, you’re not completely sure that you can keep him out. He is stronger than he was years ago, much stronger, but you’re stronger too, and his strength is nothing compared to your determination, your resilience. You may not have the advantage of his raw power, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a way of evening the playing field. He may have changed, he may have grown darker, but he was still human. He still had to have feelings in there, somewhere. You picture Ani’s face, his voice, sitting in the living room together as you pull up the memory. _“We’re never going to see dad again, are we?”_

               Kylo visibly flinches, and you can feel his hold weakening before it returns, stronger than ever, but now you have the memory prepared and you’re ready to go, letting your own voice drift back to your memory. _“And I’m doing that so I can protect you. It means I don’t get to spend as much time with you as I would like to, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you any less.”_

_“I know.”_

_“And so’s your dad. It’s the same way. He’s got important stuff to-“_

“Stop.”

               _“But if you put me first, then why doesn’t dad?”_

“STOP.”

You feel your head slam back into the metal of the table and for a moment your vision spins as you let your eyes slip closed again. He puts his hand on the side of your head, and you feel as though your entire brain was exploding from the inside out. You can literally hear Kylo’s voice in your head urging you to let him in, but it sounds distant and far away. Suddenly you’re too tired to do this, too tired to care, too tired to keep going. Kylo had been played and manipulated, and then he had played and manipulated you, either before or right now, or, or…it didn’t matter. It was like the past was sitting in your mind like a rock, and Kylo was trying to drill a hole directly through it in order to tease out whatever small wisps of content he wanted to find.

               “You’re stronger,” Kylo tells you. “You’ve become much stronger than you were since I’ve seen you last, but you’re not more powerful than me.”

               “You’re right,” you say softly. You weren’t, that was just the truth, but what he said stirs a memory to the surface, one that you need, and you don’t mind how much of it he’s able to see. You feel the sensation of Rey’s soft hands in yours, see the confident smile stretched across her face as she looks at you, her bright eyes shining with assurance. “ _Feel the strength of the Force within you. Feel its strength. Whenever it gets too much, or you ever become afraid or unsure or overwhelmed, just close your eyes and remember this. Let my strength become your strength.”_

               “Let your strength become my strength,” you repeat quietly to yourself. “Your strength is my strength, your strength is my strength, your strength…” You feel a soothing sense of calm wash over you, much like it did when you were meditating. No, you were strong. You could do this. Kylo may have let you down, but there were people back at the Resistance who were counting on you, especially Ani. You couldn’t let them down. You may have had darkness within you, but you also had light, and that was the side of you that you called upon now. You may have been inwardly cloaked in darkness for all you knew, but all you had to do was reach deep down and dispel it. You picture yourself lighting a candle, watching the wick glow with a thin blue flame before it shone with a pure light that radiated outwards, penetrating the darkness within you. No matter how dark you thought you were, the wick would always be there, ready to be ignited.

               You open your eyes suddenly to see Kylo’s face set with concentration, eyes shut tight as he tried to will his way inside your mind. There was still a scrap of light in him too, you bet, although he kept trying to snuff it out. He kept doing whatever Snoke told him, kept trying to commit as many atrocities as possible, but you couldn’t understand _why_. Was it simply because Snoke had told him to do so? Or was there a much larger issue at work here?

               That didn’t matter. It wasn’t your job to save him from himself. If he still had a light side, he would have to ignite it himself. You would not give and give of yourself only to watch him cast you aside. You had done that already, and you were not about to do it again. You were on a mission and you would follow it through to the end. As of that moment, you were no longer bound to him.

               Except that you were, because as much as you would have liked to have severed the connection between you right then and there, you couldn’t help but realize that the more he was trying to get inside your mind, the more affected you were becoming. You felt stronger, more powerful, and it was only then that you realized that you were feeding off of his energy without even realizing it. Between this and the mental strength you drew from your memory of Rey, there was no way that he would be able to view your thoughts.

               He seems to sense this as he reluctantly pulls away. “The scavenger.” The words come out in a hiss, and your eyes can’t help but glance at the scar across his face.

               “My friend,” you say firmly. He narrows his eyes at you, but you stand your ground. Kylo had helped you learn what the Force was, but Rey was the one who had really helped you develop a mastery over your abilities, instead of just binding them to your emotional whims.

               “Oh yes,” Kylo snarls. “I know how you feel about your _friends._ ” He smiles and shakes his head as he steps away from you. He seems more confident than he should be right now, and you feel a dreary sense of unease settle against your skin like a thin film.

               “What did you do, Kylo?” you ask softly, watching him intently.

               “Admittedly, I did go back for you,” Kylo says. “I just arrived too late.” You breathe air in and out through your nose, doubting him, but not verbally expressing your dissent, not until you at least let him finish. He turns back to you, and makes sure to look you dead in the eye before he speaks again. “I made a mistake before, saving that girl. It was a moment of weakness, and it was a weakness that I have since corrected.”

               “What did you do, Kylo?” you ask, pulling against the restraints. You close your eyes, trying to read his thoughts, but you’re too unfocused and your thoughts are all scattered.

               “I took what I wanted from her,” Kylo says, and you stop struggling as you feel your jaw go slack.

               “You wouldn’t,” you tell him. You have a faint idea where this is headed, but you couldn’t bring yourself to believe that he actually _would_. No, there was no way he could, unless he really meant what he said. Unless he really didn’t care about you at all. “You wouldn’t do that, you-“

               “I looked into her mind,” Kylo says simply. “I saw that pilot, the one I’ve met before. Of course my mother would send only the best to escort her grandchild back to your Resistance base on D’Qar. I saw everything.” You feel your pulse throbbing in your temple, and the room seems to go silent for a moment before he says his next words. “I got what I wanted from her. She was of no further use to me. I killed both her and her pathetic father.”

               “No!” You scream at him, thrash against the restraints, but he just stands there and chuckles as if he’s amused by your antics. “No, Kylo, you’re lying to me. You wouldn’t. You would never-“

               “All this time and you thought you were special,” Kylo taunts you. “All this time and you thought that I cared for you, that I felt something for you.”

               “You are so fucking _sick_.” Your lower lip quivers as you feel tears streaming down your face. “You are a monster. You-“ Suddenly, it stops. Everything stops. You close your eyes and you can feel something else, deep down. You’re not quite sure what it is, but it almost feels like one last bit of defiance, slowly rising up to the surface. Kylo watches you silently, and when you open your eyes again your anxiousness and anger is replaced by an eerie sense of calm. Kylo looks almost nervous as he watches you, like he’s not sure what you’re about to do next.

               “You’re trying to rile me up,” you say softly. “You probed her mind but Sadie is fine. You didn’t kill her; I can feel it. She’s fine. You’re just trying to make me angry to make it easier to get inside my head, to try to weaken me, to try to make me more susceptible to the dark side, because you know that’s the only way you can win, you-“ You blink as you look up at him, as if seeking confirmation that what you said was true. “I’m stronger than you.”

               “You are weak,” Kylo tells you, his voice full of venom. “You are pathetic. You-“

               “Stop,” you say quietly, just shaking your head from side to side. “Just, stop? Please? It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not too late. You don’t have to be the person Snoke is trying to turn you into. You were _nice_ before. You were capable of doing good things. And you loved me. I felt that. It was real, and if I felt it, then I know you could feel it too.” You push outwards, channeling your energy like you used to do whenever he was angry or upset, taking in his negativity and drowning it out with your positive thoughts. “I still love you. We can still go back. You can see Ani again. We can still fix this.”

               All this time, you had worried about Kylo Ren’s influence on you, and yet it took until now for you to realize that if you could be influenced by him, then he could be influenced by you in return; the Force bond worked both ways. If he was trying to corrupt you with anger and negative energy, then you could channel his hatred into something raw, something real, a memory of how he really felt. He hadn’t seen you in years. It was probably easy for him to deny that you still felt something for him, easy for him to accept that you had moved on and probably hated him by now. But if you could show him that you didn’t, well, maybe it would help. You had gotten him to save Sadie once before, after all, so maybe-

               “No,” Kylo says firmly, as if he knows what you’re trying to do. “I won’t let you have that effect on me. Not again.”

               You raise your eyebrows and tilt your head to the side. “We’re connected by the Force bond. You probably understand it better than I do, but there’s no use trying to fight it. The Force is inside of you; you draw your power from it. You may draw your power from the dark side, but it is _still_ the Force, and that power is stronger than any of Snoke’s manipulations.” You lean your head back as you give him a satisfied smirk. “And now you’re bonded to someone who has embraced the light.”

               “I can feel your anger,” he snarls. “I can feel your fear, your despair-“

               “Look again,” you tell him calmly. In truth, you really do feel quite calm. You did not have any doubts at this moment, because at this point, you simply would not allow yourself to have them. Kylo reaches up his hand, palm outstretched, and you just stare back at him, your face impassive. You would not allow this to continue. You would not allow yourself to be effected by him any more than you had already allowed yourself to be. You had your mission, but if you could conceal it under the guise of forgiveness and redemption, then so be it.

               He jerks his hand back to his side, and you can’t help but notice how incensed he looks. You remember that look, the look of him quietly steaming beneath the surface without wanting to directly take out of his anger and frustration on you, and his expression is so familiar that you can’t help but let it tug a soft smile to the corners of your lips. Some things may have changed, but that sure hadn’t, and for a moment you allow yourself to just feel warm, to remember what it was like when you were together, focusing on those positive memories and nothing else, knowing that he’ll feel them too.

               Kylo looks absolutely disgusted with you, but you have nothing to say in your defense. There’s nothing you really want to say, either, as he grabs his helmet and turns on his heel as he storms out of the room. You can hear screaming from outside, and it’s quickly followed by the crackle of his lightsaber and the sound of something breaking. You just roll your eyes and sigh, more aggravated by the gesture than anything else. He threw temper tantrums just like Ani did, and he was many years older. Seriously, out of all the Force sensitive people in the galaxy, you just had to bind with the one person who had the rage and ability to destroy an entire planet but the emotional maturity of a toddler? Either way, you just let him take out his frustrations while you wait patiently inside, humming quietly to yourself to pass the time.

               He stalks back into the room after a few minutes, closely followed by two Storm Troopers. You look them up and down in turn, pretending to be more interested in them than Kylo. “So where are we going?” you ask at length as they undo your restraints.

               “Walk,” Kylo orders, and you obediently follow the one Storm Trooper as he turns and marches out of the room. You just let out a sigh as you continue to walk along the corridors.

               “You know, this is so unnecessary,” you tell him. “I know where you’re taking me. You could have just brought me yourself.”

               “Do you now?” You swear it’s because of the distortion, but there’s something in his voice that you really don’t like. He could have easily cut you in half with his lightsaber back there, but he didn’t, so that could only mean that he still wanted you alive. Eventually you stop outside a narrow corridor that has no exit, and you have a vague idea where you’re being brought as they lead you to the last door on the end. One of the Storm Troopers opens the door, and you look inside to see a plain white cell.

               “Well, at least this one is cleaner than the last,” you mumble as you turn to Kylo. “But seriously? You do remember the last time Hux threw me in a cell. What are you hoping to accomplish?”

               “I want you out of my sight until I can figure out what to do with you,” Ren snaps, and you can’t help but roll your eyes as you turn to one of the Storm Troopers on your left.

               “I think I touched a nerve, am I right?” You can hear Kylo literally howl with frustration from behind the mask, and you just hold up your hands as you walk into your cell. “Can I at least get two meals a day this time? I mean-“ The door slams shut, but you can literally hear Kylo taking his rage out against the opposing wall, the lightsaber snapping and crackling every time it made contact with its hard surface. That was good. That was very good.

               You sit down and try to meditate, pretending you’re back in the Green Room as you begin to formulate a plan. Kylo was slowly releasing his rage, and the sooner he got tuckered out, the more vulnerable he would be. You had no way of knowing precisely when the Resistance would coordinate their attack, and so you wanted to be around Kylo at all times, if possible. If you were a prisoner here, he probably would escape and just leave you here, which is why you needed to put aside whatever you were really feeling and focus on the task at hand.

               But you know you have to be honest with yourself and you allow yourself five minutes, just five minutes, to let tears roll down your cheeks as you think about what he had said to you. When he had told you that he loved you in your vision, he had done it simply to get you to comply with what he wanted you to do, not because he actually meant it. But then there had been something else there, something that you felt, maybe not love but some kind of genuine affection that he was trying to deny himself. It seemed to you that he was like a little kid trapped in an adult’s body, completely unable to make up his mind about what he wanted. And saying that he killed Sadie to get a rise out of you? That was a low blow. When this whole thing was over, you would have to try to convince her to join you at the Resistance base where you knew she would be safe. Then again, if this whole thing really was over, she wouldn’t have anything to fear from anyone anymore.

               You just shake your head. He wanted you to hate him, you got a clear impression of that, but why? Was it because of Snoke? You consider this a moment. Maybe there had been no attack on the base the first time. Maybe he had simply sent you away because Snoke ordered him to get rid of you after he saw how much influence you had over him, and he had eventually broke down and complied. Heck, maybe Snoke had threatened your life, you had no real way of knowing. You just knew that Kylo seemed completely lost without Snoke’s direction, and right now you seemed like the only person who had a shot at challenging that. And that’s why you were here. You could disable him physically, sure, but if you could mentally wear him down enough and convince him to come back to the light? You knew the Resistance wouldn’t welcome him with open arms, heck, after all he had done there would probably be a military style tribunal that possibly led to his execution, but-

               Your heart sinks in your chest and you realize that’s probably what is going to happen to him when you return to the Resistance. Even if they simply locked him away, there would always be a chance of him escaping, and you weren’t sure they would risk that. Leia was the General of the Resistance, though, and while you couldn’t see her executing her own son, you had no idea how much of it was really up to her. He had been a willing participant in the destruction of the entire Hosnian system, and you doubted that the Republic was just going to turn a blind eye to the things he had done.

               You can feel your heartbeat in your chest, but it feels almost hollow, and you force yourself to remember what Ladson had said to you once again. You had to focus on the present. You could worry about the future when it came. Right now, your priority couldn’t be Kylo Ren. It had to be Ani, and everyone else back at home that was counting on you. Very slowly, you move your legs into a cross-legged positon as you sit on the floor and stretch your arms out in front of you, stretching as far as you can reach before it becomes uncomfortable as you begin to whisper to yourself.

               “I am not a weak person. I am a strong person. I don’t know if I love Kylo Ren. It does not make me a bad person if I do. This situation is complicated and I am doing the best I can. I need to trust the Force that the future will eventually unfold as it will, and I need to do the best that I can, in whatever way that means.”

               You sit up and shake out your arms as you press your hands into your knees and close your eyes as you begin to meditate. Your mind was clear now, and you were determined to see your mission through to the end. The Resistance would come for you no matter how you felt about Kylo, and so you had to be prepared. You open your eyes and realize that the door to your cell didn’t have any slots for food, which meant that whoever was going to open the door to your cell to bring you your food was probably a Storm Trooper, and they probably only devoted the menial task of delivering meals to prisoners to some weak-minded lackey. Of course, there was always the possibility that Kylo had the foresight to make sure that someone with a stronger mind brought you your food, or not bring you food at all, but he wanted you alive, at least for now, and so you had to do your best to meditate, to channel all your strength into the Force to make sure you would have the power to do what needed to be done when the time came.

               You close your eyes again and a soft smile floats to your face as you mentally picture all your friends coming out to say goodbye to you. In a way, they had become your family now, and you focus on their relentless confidence in you as you slowly let all of your fears and doubts slip away.

               You could do this, you were sure of it, although you weren’t entirely sure what the heck it was that you were doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The emotions. THE EMOTIONS. It's interesting trying to predict where Kylo will be mentally a few years after TFA, but that doesn't make it any less fun. Tomorrow's chapter is going to get a little NSFW so you don't want to miss out. 
> 
> (See, I know what you guys have been waiting for.) ;) Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW content ahead

               You manage to snap out of your trance just in time to hear the lock click in the door and you look down suddenly to realize that you are meditating just slightly off the ground. You smirk to yourself, inspired by the fact that you could apparently do something seemingly so advanced without even actively trying to now, as you turn to face the person entering the room.

               It’s a Storm Trooper, as you expected, and he’s carrying a tray of food. “Hi there,” you say as genially as possible as you climb to your feet. “Actually, I think I’d like to eat that in Kylo Ren’s room. Will you take me there?”

               The Storm Trooper snorts from under his helmet, and you feel a bubble of frustration rise up in your chest. You quickly try to push it away, knowing it will do you no good. You close your eyes for the briefest of moments as you center yourself, waving your hand in front of his face. “You will bring me to Kylo Ren’s room.”

               There’s a brief pause, and then, stiffly, “I will bring you to Kylo Ren’s room.”

               You don’t want to say anything more to counteract it, and so you just turn and follow the Storm Trooper as he leads you down the hall, carrying your plate of food in his hands. You walk through several corridors, and you try to picture the expressions on the faces of the people beneath each helmet as you pass them. It’s not long at all until you reach another part of the ship, where he stops outside an unmarked door that doesn’t look particularly any more or less different than the others.

               “You will unlock this door for me,” you order.

               He hesitates for a moment, and you can hear him stammering from underneath his helmet. “I-I don’t-“

               You feel a surge of frustration go through you and you put your palm flat against the door, concentrating for a hard moment before the door finally unlocks. That was twice now that you had gotten frustrated in such a short span of time, and you realized it was because you were in such close proximity to Kylo Ren. The Force bond was starting to have a stronger pull on you again, and you would have to take back control of it. You could not risk being influenced by him. Instead, you had to turn the tables and make sure that it was your positive emotions that would prevail and influence him instead.

               You push the door open with your foot and thank the Storm Trooper as you take the tray off his hands. He’s still standing there, arms out in front of him, as you close the door with a satisfied smirk on your face. This room is small, probably because it’s just that, a room. There is a bed in the corner of the room that was sloppy and unmade, probably just a little bit smaller than the large bed you had to yourself at the Resistance base. There were clothes and different items, some of which looked like machine parts, scattered all over the floor, and there was a door just past the bed that held a bathroom; you could tell by the sound of the shower water streaming down from a faucet within.

               You had walked in while Kylo Ren was in the shower. That could only go well.

               With nowhere else to sit, you sit down on the floor and begin to eat your food. There isn’t much of it, and you down it in minutes, immediately feeling spoiled by what you were being fed at the Resistance. Ladson hadn’t liked the food much, but you had to admit that it wasn’t bad. It was much better than whatever slop they wanted to feed you here, anyway. Putting the tray neatly on the floor near the side of the door, you walk over to his bed and sit down on it as quietly as you can before you stretch out, putting your head on his pillow. It smells like him, but you can’t help but feel sort of out of place, and you sit up quickly, your pulse suddenly racing. You hadn’t exactly expected him to be here, but here he was, taking a shower, and he was going to walk out of that room exposed and vulnerable. You take a side glance back towards the door and idly wonder if you should just forget this whole thing. They probably still had the TIE Fighter you arrived in sitting in the hangar; you could probably just mind trick your way into escaping this place and fly home.

               But right as you’re about to seriously consider the idea, the shower water stops, and you know you can’t go anywhere. He senses you now, you can feel it, and you sit cross-legged on his bed as you turn towards the bathroom door, anxiously waiting for it to open. For a minute, you idly wonder if you should close your eyes or look away, but you don’t want to risk turning your back on him and getting struck from behind, which, to be fair, was probably what you would have done if the situation was reversed.

               Eventually the door opens, and you mentally brace yourself as he steps out, a towel wrapped around his waist. Even still, your eyes rake over his torso. He has a few more scars than he had before, and you can see that the burn mark from Rey’s lightsaber had travelled down his jaw and the base of his neck, where it stopped just below his collarbone. You’re suddenly sobered by the thought that you’re not sure how you could really be with him anymore. Every time you looked at him, you would just be reminded of how terrified she had been of him when she was fighting for her life. You hated to see it there, and you hated that you almost seemed to take it personally. You had always ignored the harm that Kylo had done to others in the past under the guise of sweeping generalizations, and the universe would no longer permit you to do that. Now, whenever you looked at him, it would constantly serve as a reminder of the awful things he had done, of the awful person that he became.

               And if you really wanted to stay with him, you would have to be confronted with that every day for the rest of your life.

               Nevertheless, you try to shake it off as you look up at him, forcing a quick smile to your lips. “Hi there,” you say brightly. “I like your bed, very comfortable. Still not as comfortable as the big one we used to share, but it’s nice.”

               He narrows his eyes as he towers over you, but you’re not in the least bit intimidated by him. “How?”

               “Don’t ask questions you already know the answers to,” you tell him, and he sighs as he walks further into the room, turning over clothes on the floor as if he’s trying to find something that’s clean. You were right about tuckering him out. He seems a bit defeated now, tired, and although part of you wants to comfort him, a much darker part of you knows that it will be very easy to manipulate him right now.

               He picks up a black piece of cloth and then throws it back to the ground in frustration. “Why are you here?”

               You purse your lips for a moment as he turns around to face you. “Remember way back when you told me you wouldn’t mind probe me if I was honest with you?” He inclines his head in the stiffest of nods. “Well, if I’m honest with you now, can I stay here with you? I don’t want to go back to that cell.”

               He crosses his arms over his massive chest as he appraises you, and you can’t help but notice that the towel is staying in place despite the fact that it looks like it isn’t wrapped very tightly around him. Idly you wonder if it’s the Force keeping it up, but you can’t worry about that now. Even still, he catches you looking, and a satisfied smirk pulls at the corners of his lips. “I’ll consider it.”

               “Perfect,” you say as you get to your feet. It’s so much easier to talk and ramble on while you walk. “The reason I came here was to get answers. That’s it. That’s all I want. I mean, there’s other things I _want_ but I’ll settle for answers.”

               “Did the Resistance send you to spy on me?” he asks curiously, tilting his head to one side.

               “No,” you reply dismissively, waving your hand in the air. “I didn’t come here because of the Resistance. No one sent me. I just came here because I need answers and you’re the only one who can give them to me.” Kylo just sighs and shakes his head as he gestures for you to continue. “Good. Now, first, I need to know-“ You center yourself in front of him. “Did you really love me?”

               “You stole a captured fighter-“

               “Borrowed.”

               “-to come here to ask if I loved you?” He seems incredulous. “Who’s watching Anakin now?”

               You feel a tiny spark of elation bubble in your chest. He had called Ani by his name, not _the boy_ or _the child_ , but he had finally called his son by his real name. Either he was more worn down than he was yesterday, or you were having a stronger influence on him than you thought. “He’s with Ladson,” you reply simply. “He’s being well cared for.”

               “Has he started his Force training yet?” Kylo asks, and you shake your head.

               “I said I’m the one who came here for questions,” you tell him. “Although I am glad to see that you’re taking an interest in your son.”

               Kylo scowls at you, and you feel a momentary flash of rage emitting off of him like a heat wave. It weakens your resolve, just a little, but you won’t let him win this. “If you want to see your son,” you continue, putting your fingertips to your own temple. “That’s fine with me. Have a look.”

               “You won’t let me in,” Kylo says quietly. “You wouldn’t risk it.”

               “But you want to get in, right?” you ask as you take a small step toward him. “And you remember how you got in last time, don’t you? When we were in my room, back on base, late that night?”

               A flicker of recognition passes over his features as he recalls the memory, and, with it, all of the emotions associated with it. He looks weak, unsure, but just for a moment before his gaze hardens. Even still, that spark had been igniting, and you can feel the tension growing between you as if it was a real, tangible rope that was pulling you together. You bite your lip as you glance back down at the towel around his waist, before back up at him. “You do remember that, don’t you?”

               “I do,” he says quietly, his expression giving nothing away.

               “Then…” You take another step towards him, your eyes still locked on his face. You honestly weren’t sure what you were doing anymore. You knew what a secret part of you wanted, what the part of you had wanted for the past several years, and you were so, so close to having it again.

               “You wouldn’t,” Kylo says, and at first you’re not quite sure what he means before he continues. “You wouldn’t touch me. Like this? With this scar? After you’ve heard about everything that I’ve done? There is no part of you that still cares for me.”

               You blink at him, and you know that the Force bond is definitely reconnecting between you now because you can feel your anger bubble to the surface. After everything you had been through for him, and he really thought that you didn’t care about him anymore? Just like that? As if your feelings were just a switch that you could just toggle on and off? You can feel the anger flare like a fire in your chest, and there’s nothing you can do to snuff it out.

               “I waited there for you for years,” you tell him. “Pined over you for _years_ , just waiting, and you let me down. You let me down and I went to the Resistance and I tried to build a new life there, believe me, I tried, but I still kept thinking about _you_. And I hated it, I hated every minute of it, listening to all those people talk about all the horrible things that you did. Having to listen to Ani ask if we were _ever_ going to see you again. After what you said to me, I came here to see if there was still a chance for us, a chance that even though you never came back there was still some part of you that still cared, and yet you treat _my_ feelings as a weakness and treat me with hostility and contempt, and then on top of that you have the gall to say that I don’t even feel anything for you at all? Fuck you-“ You put both hands on his chest and shove him backwards. He takes a tiny step back to steady himself, but otherwise doesn’t move. “Fuck you.” You put your hands on his chest to shove him again, when suddenly he leans forward and grabs your head in both hands, kissing you firmly. You open your mouth in surprise and kiss him back, your hands fisting in his hair as you pull him closer to you.

               “I hate you,” he snarls against your lips. You press your forehead into his as you wrap both arms around his neck, your fingers bumping over the bit of scarred flesh.

               “No you don’t,” you tell him between vicious kisses that made you crave him all the more. It was like you had been denying yourself a drug that you were finally letting back into your system. “You wish you did. You wish you could hate me. You wish you could bring yourself to kill me but you can’t.”

               “I can,” Kylo says as he shuts his eyes, but you can tell his resolve is weakening. You push yourself against him, running your fingers down both sides of his face, ignoring the bit of pink raised flesh across his right cheek.

               “Do it, then,” you say as you gently run your fingertips along his back, placing gentle kisses along his collarbone. You can hear Kylo growl low in his throat as he grabs you by your shoulders and pushes you roughly away from him, holding you at arm’s length.

               “Why did you come back?” he barks, and you can tell that he’s ready to believe whatever you tell him.

               You look him in the eye and work up all the honesty you can muster. “For you.”

               The towel falls away as he picks you up and carries you to the bed, roughly putting you down as he stands in front of you. You roll over to one side as you take him in your mouth, and he moans your name as his fingers run through your hair, rubbing your scalp in small circles with his fingertips. You pull your mouth off of him for a moment as you purr, your hand gliding up and down across his shaft, savoring the familiar sensation as you press a kiss against the warmth of his head. You slide your lips around him again, teasing his tip with your tongue, but you can’t really suck him much further at this angle, so you just use your tongue and your lips to tease him while your hand glides up and down.

               You whimper slightly as his hand leaves your hair, but he works his fingertips down across your face, down the smooth skin of your neck, and gently runs his hand over the fabric of your shirt where he sticks his hand inside your pants and thrusts two fingers inside of you. You are so wet already, so desperate for him, and you can hear Kylo let out a needy sigh from above you as you let your eyelids flutter shut as you embrace the sensation of being fucked by his fingers. You remembered that night back on the Starkiller Base, that first night when he had you up against the wall, pumping his fingers in and out of you; that was when this had all started, and even if you could use the Force to go back and change time, you wouldn’t do it.

               That’s when it hits you. You picture Poe, and the sunset, and the time you made out in the back of the shuttle and a pang of guilt shoots through your chest. You know you can’t allow yourself to feel it, can’t allow yourself to think about him, not here, and so you turn to any, any other thoughts that will come to mind, but all that surfaces is a sick sense of selfishness. You wanted Kylo Ren. You waited years for him to put his hands on you again, and you were finally getting that. Fuck the mission, fuck everyone else, fuck the _guilt_ about what he had done. He had hurt all of those other people, but he had never hurt _you_. You wanted him, you craved him, and you were finally able to fucking have him again. Nothing else mattered right now. All that mattered was you, and him, and-

               “Fuck me,” you snarl. You sit up as you tear your shirt off, and he pulls his fingers out of you quickly as he jerks your pants off in one fluid motion. You scoot back on the bed as he climbs over you, and you wrap your legs around his waist, using your heels to knead his lower back, urging him on. He fumbles for a moment, his wet tip pressing against your clit before he finally slides into you, and you bite your lip to hold back a moan as you embrace the sensation, as you embrace him, all of him.

               You grunt as he collapses against your chest and you wrap your arms around his neck as you kiss him, pressing your lips against his as you buck your hip up towards him. As you run your fingertips over the muscles in his arms, you can feel the tension in him, feel his anger, brimming just beneath the surface, and all it does is incense you more.

               “I want top,” you pant as you break the kiss, wanting more, wanting to be in control. Kylo responds by pulling himself out of you, slowly, until just his tip remains against your entrance before he thrusts back into you, hard. You let out a strangled cry as he does it again, and you can feel your entire body screaming with need as you quiver beneath him.

               “No.” He bites down at the base of your neck, and you can’t help but cry out as he begins his assault, nipping and biting and licking your tender flesh. You whimper underneath him, thrusting your hips up rhythmically into his, desperate to feel him. You run your hands over his body, applying pressure beneath your fingers, only to hear Kylo hiss and wince as you hit a tender sore spot on his left side. You’re confused, but only for a brief moment until you remember that that’s the spot where Chewie had struck him with his bowcaster. It had been years, but if he could still feel pain there from just the pressure of your hands, then it must have been more of a critical injury than you could have imagined, and for some reason it only makes you appreciate him still being here, alive, with you, so much more.

               You want to ask if he’s okay, but you know that will only incense him to show even the slightest bit of weakness and so you continue to go along with him, acting like he hadn’t just nonverbally admitted to being in pain only a few seconds ago. Suddenly he licks that sweet spot in the hollow where your jaw meets your neck, and you can’t help but release a moan from deep in your chest. Kylo stills for the briefest of moments. “Again,” he says urgently, and the need in his voice is palpable. “Make that sound again.”

               You peek one eye open as you stare up at the ceiling. It seemed like a bit of a strange request, but you do your best to recreate the moan exactly as you had before, and Kylo seems satisfied with it. You let your body just relax beneath him, and you let out a contented sigh as you feel his fingertips sliding against your smooth skin, his lips sucking at the tender skin of your neck, his cock pounding into you in his constant, steady rhythm.

               And that’s when you realize you don’t want it to end. It will end, in a few days, maybe more, maybe less, it all will end. It all will stop, again, and then you won’t be able to experience this ever, ever again. You can feel your bottom lip trembling and tears pool in your eyes as Kylo suddenly feels the impression of this new emotion. He says your name quietly, and you glance up to meet his eyes, trying to blink back your tears. He runs a thumb along your cheek as he looks into your eyes, as if searching for your thoughts.

               “Don’t.”

               He pulls you up against him so that you’re sitting on his lap, and you wrap your arms around his neck as you pull him close to you, letting him kiss you much more gently and much more tenderly than he had before. Eventually you break away and press your forehead against his, hands on either side of his face as you feel him thrusting inside of you. You let your head slide away and rest your cheek against his shoulder as you kiss his neck, gently teasing the skin there with your lips, not using your teeth. _You_ were going to have some bite marks and bruises that you would have to explain later, but that didn’t mean you wanted to give him any in return. Actually, truth be told, you wanted to, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to.  

               As if sensing your sadness again, Kylo begins to thrust inside of you faster, and you put both hands on his shoulders to steady yourself as you build the sensation, climbing faster and faster. “Oh fuck,” you pant against him, planting your hands on the muscles of his upper arms. “Fuck, Kylo, fuck-“

               “Let go,” Kylo urges you, and you do, finding your release immediately. You shudder for a moment as you relish the familiar feeling of being lost in him, letting a dizzying sense of pleasure take over you as you surrender to him. You close your eyes and you’re about to collapse into him again when suddenly you feel his fingertips against your temples and your eyes fly open.

               “No, Kylo,” you plead desperately. Right now, you are weak, beyond weak, you are helpless, and for a moment you’re afraid that while you were trying to manipulate him, he was the one who had been playing you. But didn’t you invite that, though? Hadn’t you teased him, made him remember how he broke through the first time? You had been _hoping_ that he would touch you like this again, but a large part of you didn’t actually believe that he _would._ “Kylo, please, please don’t.”

               He grimaces as he finds his own release inside of you and lets his hands drop as he collapses with his forehead pressing into your shoulder. The only sound you can hear, besides your combined frantic gasps of air, is your heart pounding in your chest, both from your exertion and from what he could have done, but didn’t. “You need to leave,” Kylo says quietly. “You need to stay as far away from me as possible.”

               “No,” you say firmly as you gently ease off of him, using his proffered hand for support, and you refuse to let go of it as you intertwine your fingers together and tug him down so he’s lying on the bed beside you. “I don’t want to leave you.”

               “You have Anakin to think about,” Kylo says in a hushed tone. “You need to get back to him.”

               “Then come back with me,” you say childishly, making sure to use your intonation to imply how utterly ridiculous it would be for him to willingly come with you back to the Resistance. If you could get him to agree to just coming back, it would make things so much simpler, but then again, you don’t want to arouse his suspicions as to what you were really planning.

               Kylo just snorts. “You know I can’t.”

               You bite your lip, but decide to go ahead and say what you wanted to say anyway. “Then why don’t I go back and get Ani and come back here to be with you? That was what you wanted, right?” He’s silent for a long time as he just trails his fingertips up and down your side, lost in thought, and at that moment you can feel him, really feel him. You don’t know if it’s love, it’s not the same feeling that you two shared before, but you know he cares for you, deeply, and still wants you to be safe. That was good enough for you. “Didn’t you want me here?”

               He closes his eyes and pulls you just a little bit closer. It’s amazing how the Resistance and everyone there seems like a far off memory to you now as you’re here, curled up in his arms. It’s like the world finally made sense again, and that’s when you realize you had been looking directly at his face, at his scar, the entire time you two had fucked or made love or did whatever it is that you did, and you hadn’t even really noticed it at all.

               “You need to leave,” he says firmly, and his head dips forward into a tiny nod as if to confirm this to himself. “Before the Supreme Leader realizes that you’re here.”

               You avoid his eyes as you move a little closer to him. “But I just got here. I can’t, I’m, I’m not ready to leave you yet. Can’t I stay for like, just a week?”

               Kylo opens his eyes as he looks back at you. “You already have too much influence over me. I am weak when I’m with you.” He shakes his head as he moves a little ways away from you and rolls over onto his back. “This was a mistake.”

               “No it wasn’t,” you say immediately as you prop yourself up on your elbow and roll over onto your stomach to face him. “No, it wasn’t a mistake. It-“ You can feel tears brimming in your eyes now and your voice is bordering on unfamiliar hysterics. Kylo turns his head to look at you, but all you see is pity in his eyes. “One week,” you tell him. “Please, just give me some time to, to-“

               “Time to what?” Kylo asks, as if he really wants to know.

               “Time to figure this out,” you say softly. You scoot closer to him and run the tip of your nose against his cheek, softly nuzzling him, trying to ease the distance between you. When he doesn’t respond, you kiss his cheek with soft, placating kisses, trying to urge him on. He finally sighs and rolls over a bit to face you so that you can kiss him back, and you smile as you tenderly brush your lips against his as you offer him slow, gentle kisses, using your tongue to trace the outline of his full lower lip before you pull away. You can feel him shudder as you do so, and he rolls over to face you completely now, running a hand up and down your arm.

               “This is too complicated to figure out,” he tells you softly, but you just shake your head.

               “That’s what I thought too,” you tell him. “But it’s really, really simple. I want to spend every minute of every day just lying here with you, but I can’t, so all I’m asking for is a week before I go back to Ani. Will you please grant me that much? Just one more week with you?” You can feel your heart shudder in your chest, and you know he’s affected by it by the way he has to look away. “Don’t you feel that? Don’t you feel how much I want to be with you?”

               “You shouldn’t,” Kylo says softly.

               “Now you’re being selfless?” you demand incredulously. “You can torture, kill, and maim thousands of people but suddenly when it comes to me, you’re defenseless?”

               “Yes,” Kylo says, so loudly and immediately it startles you. “Yes. You know the effect that you have on me. I am bound to you, and I am bound to your light. I feel it constantly calling to me, to come back to you, ever since you left. I am tormented by it. I have tried everything in my power to break free of it, to surrender to the dark side of the Force, but I am tethered to you, and there is only one way to end my suffering.”

               You feel the realization settle into your chest like a weight. “Snoke wants you to kill me.”

               “ _I_ want to kill you,” Kylo emphasizes. “In order to give myself over to the darkness completely, I need to let go of everything that is holding me back.”

               “And that means me?” you ask quietly. “That’s why you need to kill me?”

               “It’s why you need to get as far away from me as possible,” he tells you quietly. “I’m being torn apart and I want to be free of this pain, but I don’t think I have the strength to do it.” His eyes flick towards yours. “That’s why you need to leave, before I change my mind.”

               “I can’t-“ you exclaim, putting your hand on his chest, but he only offers you a sad laugh.

               “Whatever you have planned isn’t worth it,” he tells you. “They may have Hux cornered, but the First Order will live on, Snoke will make sure of it.”

               “He is using you,” you tell him. “I know you can see that. The only reason why you’re being torn apart is because you’re doing things you don’t want to do for him. You are strong, Kylo, and you are smart, surely you must see that.”

               “It’s too late,” he says, shaking his head. “The minute I drove my lightsaber through my father’s chest, I knew there was no turning back for me. Before there was at least a chance, but now there’s nothing.”

               “But there is,” you insist. “That’s why you still feel drawn to me, because there is a way out of this, and you can take it, right now. We can get out of here, go grab Ani, and leave this whole thing behind us. Forget the First Order and forget the Resistance, we can escape all this and live on some little planet all on our own.” You push against his arm suddenly. “We can do this, Kylo, but I need you to help me.”

               He just smiles at you as he brushes your hair out of your face. “I have often dreamt of that,” he admits. “But too much has happened. It cannot be done.”

               “But it can-“

               “No,” Kylo says firmly. “I must finish what I started here, and I cannot let you dissuade me.”

               You close your fingers around his wrist. “Fine,” you say firmly, although your voice still wavers. “But I am staying, at least for a week. If I am never going to see you again, I want to spend as much time with you as possible.”

               “You keep saying a week,” he says cautiously. “Why is that?”

               “Because I doubt you’d let me stay here for a whole month,” you tell him, quirking your lip up in a gentle smile. “And I think Ani would miss me too much by then.” You press a quick kiss against his lips, and he seems to relax as you cuddle into his arms. You rest your head against his chest and he tucks his chin over your hair, gently stroking his fingertips down your back.

               “How is he?” he asks quietly.

               “We haven’t done any Force training with him yet,” you tell him. “But he’s doing good. He loves to watch me and Ladson spar, some nights he won’t go to bed until we go a few rounds. He’s not really a fussy eater, which I’m thankful for, because the Resistance food is, quite frankly, not that good. He plays with my staff a lot now, but he likes to hit things with it, and it gets worse when he’s in the middle of a tantrum and then he’s just trying to smash and destroy everything near him.” Kylo lets out a soft chuckle and you hit his chest lightly. “Hey, it’s your fault that he’s like that. He doesn’t get his anger from me.”

               “Are you sure about that?” Kylo asks softly, and if you can read his tone right, almost teasingly.

               “No,” you admit after a moment. “He has your dark eyes and your dark hair, and I can’t help but see you whenever I look at him.” You can feel tears well up in your eyes now, and you don’t want them to come, but you can’t stop them. “I try to keep myself busy and sometimes I’ll take a walk around the base before I go back at night just because I know when I see him, I’ll just see you and I don’t know how to handle that.”

               Kylo tightens his grip on you. “If it makes you feel any better, if I could take it all back, I would. I would never have pursued you back on base.”

               That only makes you feel worse.

               “Only for your own benefit,” you say idly. “Because then you wouldn’t have bonded with me. You would be free to be as dark as you wanted to be and destroy the galaxy, and I-“

               “-would have been able to move on with your life without being reminded of me,” he finishes for you.

               You close your eyes and shake your head. “The Force brought us together for a reason. The Force gave us a child together for a reason. Maybe there’s a larger plan at work here that we’re not in on. Maybe there’s-“

               “A prophecy?” Kylo asks. “They said the same thing about my grandfather.” He shakes his head. “If you stay you’re only going to tempt me.”

               You can’t help but lean back and grin at him. “And why do you have to say that like it’s such a bad thing?” He cups your face as he kisses you gently, but there’s a force brewing between you, a sense of urgency, and passion, and you reach up and brush your hand against his scarred cheek as you kiss him back fervently, trying to push all of your emotion for him into one kiss.

               “One week,” Kylo finally relents as he pulls away.

               “One week,” you repeat. “And then I’ll stay away from you for good. I’ll take Ani and run to the furthest corner of the galaxy and you will never see or hear from us ever again.” He takes your face in both hands as he presses a firm kiss against your forehead, and you close your eyes as you relax into him again.

               _One week_ , you repeat silently to yourself. _And then maybe you can see Ani for yourself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're finally back to reading smut again!! xD Honestly, my favorite part of this chapter was the purposely ambiguous, "Don't." Was Kylo telling Reader not to cry? Was Reader warning Kylo not to look into her thoughts? I am a huge believer in always making the dialogue clear and direct when it comes to who is speaking, but I couldn't resist using a little ambiguity here. Also:
> 
> _You look him in the eye and work up all the honesty you can muster. “For you.”_
> 
> Cue the collective screaming!! Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.......

               Sometimes being with Kylo Ren felt like drowning, like you were submerged in a pool without coming up for air. The strangest part was that you didn’t even want to. You liked him holding you down, suffocating you with his attention and his fervent need to feel you, mostly because you needed to feel him as well. At least while you were immersed in his touch, you didn’t have to look at the outside world, you didn’t even have to care about it. The only thing you had to care about was how to please him, while he pleased you in return. You didn’t have to think about what the Resistance was expecting of you. You didn’t have to worry that Snoke wanted you dead. For a brief stretch of time, you allowed yourself to let go of all of your doubts and uncertainties and just be there with him without worrying about what the future held for you. You embraced his sudden outburst of affection for you, all the while knowing that he could turn on you in a split second and drive his lightsaber through your chest.

               It should have concerned you how little the thought bothered you. It would leave Ani motherless and Kylo would finally be free to extinguish the little bit of light he had left in him, but you couldn’t take that threat seriously, not when he had his mouth pressed up against your tender clit as you panted and moaned his name. He had never hurt you before and despite what he had done to your friends back at the Resistance base, despite what he had done to his own father, he still showed no signs of hurting you. And that probably should have concerned you, but at least you were comforted by the fact that he wasn’t so totally evil as to suppress his human instincts entirely. He was still a human being, who could still experience gratification and want to be pleasured, although he could only let that wall down around you. You were special to him, you didn’t have a doubt in your mind about that; the Force bond that you shared told you that much. The others didn’t matter to him, and even his father was only linked to him by blood. You were linked to him by something stronger: choice.

               You chose to love Kylo Ren, even despite everything that he had done, and although part of that could probably be attributed to the Force, you didn’t care. You didn’t want to argue it, you didn’t want to question it, didn’t want to believe that all of your emotions for him simply came from some intangible bond. No, you would only admit that when it suited you. While you were enjoying his company, you remained determined to believe that it was you and you alone that he was attracted to, not some mysterious power that you had apparently harbored all your life. You wanted to, needed to believe that that was what was drawing him to you, because only then would you be free to accept that it was your own choice that was pulling you back to him.

               At this point, you didn’t really mind that you were probably hurting Poe by indulging in such intimacy with Kylo Ren, but you weren’t even troubled by that thought. You weren’t concerned with what Rey or Finn or even Ladson had to say, because _they_ didn’t understand. They weren’t here experiencing _this_ , this unfathomable bliss that made your skin sing every time he touched you. It felt like exposed wires in your brain jumped and exploded every time he kissed you, and you felt adrenaline pumping through your veins as soon as you looked in his eyes. He had full control over you and your body, just as you had full control over him, and you knew that none of them would ever be able to understand the complexity of literally sharing your mind, your body, and a bit of your soul simultaneously with someone, as if you were merging together into one cohesive unit.

               But the fact remained that you had already experienced that union, and it had produced a child, and in between your breaks of slaving over each other’s bodies, you answered every question Kylo had and then some, telling him anything and everything that Ani did since he had been away, telling him every time he had ever been sick, or told a funny joke, or did something so profound for a five year old that you thought it just might break your heart if you remembered that it was really your child who could be so sweet and so thoughtful. And Kylo would listen and smile and his eyes would glisten as you told him your stories, but there was a sadness underneath it all, a sadness that stressed how short-lived and ephemeral your time here with him really was. It was a mini sojourn, albeit a pleasant one, but you would have to return to real life eventually.

               For Kylo, that meant that you would leave him and never, ever return. He expected you to run off to some far corner of the galaxy with Ani and spend your lives hiding away where he could never find you, should he decide to make good on his promise to surrender himself to the darkness and end your life once and for all. You, on the other hand, knew the end of the week would mean something quite different. You knew that eventually the Resistance would come, and somewhere in the back of your mind you couldn’t help but wonder what happen if the lot of them suddenly invaded the base and broke down the door to see you spread on the bed before Kylo with your mouth around his cock. The thought humored you in a way that should have been distressing, but you paid it no mind. The only people who could read your mind to see what transpired here was Kylo himself and Rey, and you doubted that she would break into your mind without your permission. Besides, you were strong enough to keep her out.

               You had been strong enough to keep Kylo out, and it should have surprised you that he didn’t try to get into your head again, but you were too distracted to think much more of it. In truth, you noticed a change in him. There was a sense of recklessness that seemed to embody him, although you supposed that had less to do with your presence on board and more to do with the fact that the First Order was losing the war, and he feared that he had given up everything and would end up being captured, imprisoned, and executed for what he had done. You couldn’t force yourself to dwell on that, as you knew you would be playing an active role in his internment; you could only hope that he would forgive you for it later.

               Although, to be fair, you weren’t quite sure that any of this was really happening at all. It was happening in the physical sense, but you didn’t know if a few days’ worth of fucking each other’s brains out would be the panacea to finally getting over him once and for all. A part of you was holding onto the smallest of all hopes that it would, that your affection for him would grow so strong that it would simply fall into sheer and utter collapse. Of course, there was also the possibility that spending so much time with him would actually strengthen the Force bond and cement your connection to him so that you were bound to him once and for all, with no possible chance of escape or reprieve. If this had been years ago, you would not have minded that at all, but change was inevitable, and as such, your circumstances were different.

               It was always possible that he would be executed for his war crimes, and although you did not want to think of the role you would play in his possibly impending death, you couldn’t help but wonder if your love for him would snap, suddenly, as if popping a rubber band that had been stretched far beyond its means. It should have concerned you more, you should have been bothered by it, but just the gentle brush of his skin against yours was intoxicating enough to dull all of your other senses, all of your other concerns, all of your other worries, and you were at least consoled by the fact that you seemed to be having the same effect on him, as he hardly left your side. He was gone for brief stretches during the day, mostly while you were sleeping, but for the most part he stayed with you, attempting to make the most of your brief time together.

               In the back of his mind, Kylo had been concerned about Snoke finding out about your presence on board, as Snoke seemed to know everything without immediately being told, but after the first two days, he had become so enraptured by your presence there that he had failed to think of Snoke at all. In truth, and you could sense this, Kylo was becoming more and more dejected as he witnessed the First Order crumbling around him. He had wanted to be great, to preserve the legacy of his grandfather, and yet he felt powerless to avoid the First Order’s seemingly inevitable collapse. He was only one man, and one man could not win a war on his own. One man could not singlehandedly conquer the galaxy, and so he let himself be comforted by you, at least for a short while, knowing that while he had failed at almost everything else he had touched, he had somehow still managed to preserve your affections. He did not give you nearly enough credit, and considered this act to be simply the workings of a miracle of the Force.

               But the fact remained that while you two were content to become lost in each other for a short while, the rest of the galaxy kept up with their daily routine. The First Order continued to go about their duties to try to preserve their front, the Resistance planned their counter offensive strategies, and Snoke decided that he was prepared to give Kylo Ren his final test.

               You had been just lying in his arms, head against his chest while he stroked your hair when there was a knock on the door, and Kylo let out a grumble of annoyance as he pulled on his clothes. You giggled as you watched him slide into his dark pants, cursing under his breath as he did so. He pulled on a shirt next, followed by his helmet as he threw open the door to seem as intimidating as possible while you covered up with a sheet. “What could be so important that you would disturb me-?”

               “The Supreme Leader wishes to see you,” the Storm Trooper says. Kylo lets out a sigh that crackles through the voice distortion before the helmeted figure adds, “And he wants you to bring the girl.” Kylo’s head snaps up and he slams the door shut as he spins around to face you, pulling his helmet off his head as he hurls it at you with both hands. You hold up one hand and stop it in midair, sending it crashing to the floor between you.

               “I told you not to stay,” Kylo yells at you. “I told you to leave. I told you to go-“

               “I’ll go now,” you tell him, feeling off balance as you’re suddenly hit with the force of his sudden panic. “It’s not that big a deal, I’ll just-“

               “No.” Kylo’s eyes are full of fury as he looks you over. “No, you will come with me. Get dressed.”

               “Fine,” you snap, and Kylo shoots an almost apologetic look in your direction as he gets fully dressed himself. You pull on your clothes, taking your sweet time to do so, knowing how long it took Kylo to get dressed in his full armor. As you see him reaching down to pick up his helmet, you slip your hands around his face as you kiss him, not knowing how anything was going to play out.

               “I love you,” you say firmly. “I know you won’t say it back, and you don’t have to, but I know you want to hear me say it, so, there it is. I love you, no matter what happens next.”

               You can see the fear in Kylo’s eyes as he slowly disappears behind his helmet, and you can feel your heart sink in your chest to see his familiar face disappear. You follow him out into the hall, and as you march along beside him, you can’t help but think that maybe this wasn’t such a bad thing after all. They wanted to use Kylo to capture Snoke, but if Snoke was right here, maybe you could kill him yourself. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Kylo’s lightsaber strapped to his belt, and you can’t help but feel a bit pleased with yourself. One man could not win a war on his own, but maybe one woman could end one. Today. And then, after killing Snoke, the Republic would be so grateful that you finally ended this war once and for all that they would probably give you anything that you wanted, after all, they would be indebted to you. And with that, you could bargain Kylo’s freedom. Of course, he would have to provide restitutions for all the damage he had done, but surely they would allow him to _live_ , wouldn’t they? Hadn’t there already been enough bloodshed? And this way Ani would get to see his father, get to see him at least try to make up for some of the terrible things he had done.

               You let these delusions cloud your judgement as you step inside a large room that looks like a meeting room that is void of any tables or chairs, and your heart immediately drops in your chest when you see a giant hologram, reaching from floor to ceiling, in the back of the room. Of course, Leia had been right after all, Snoke was not on board. He had probably not been on Starkiller Base, either, now that you thought about it. He was probably tucked away safely in some hidden corner of the galaxy, commanding his armies from afar, watching the bloodshed and carnage unfold while he sat safely away from the destruction that he caused. The thought makes you angry, and it’s this anger you know you cannot have when you are facing what you assumed to be the ultimate evil. This was the monster that wanted to corrupt your son, the very same man that had manipulated Ben Solo as a child.

               Of course, you couldn’t tell if Snoke really _was_ a man through the distortion of the hologram. His skin looked to be a pale, almost greyish hue, and his face appeared sunken in at the sides, drawn into lines that framed his thin mouth. He had no hair, clearly revealing a jagged scar that ran down the middle of his forehead, and a large, open gash on the side of his left cheek that clearly hadn’t healed properly. His eyes were sunken back in his head as he turned his gaze to you, and Kylo had to physically put his hand on your back and push you forward to enter the room. Snoke says your name in a low growl that seems to reverberate around the entire room. His voice is like nothing you had ever heard before; it had such a dark timbre, and yet it was almost seductive in a way that you could not define. Even though he had only said your name, the word seemed to echo and resonate within your very bones as you took the time to process what he had said.

               You had only one thought: you were not safe here. You should not have come. Suddenly, all of Rey’s training seems to have fallen away and you are left only with a quaking sense of fear that made your heart jump in irregular beats from within your chest.

               “Supreme Leader.” Kylo drops to one knee as he removes his helmet, placing it on the floor beside him. You could not have previously imagined Kylo bowing to anyone, let alone this hologram, and the whole scene sickens you as your intestines twist into knots inside you. You want to leave this room, want to run straight to the hangar, jump in a ship, and fly away, but you don’t even know what direction that’s in, and besides, your feet are frozen to the floor as you stare stiffly down at Kylo.

               “So this is the girl,” Snoke muses as he fixes his gaze on you. You avoid his eyes. You can’t look at him; you don’t want to. You feel as though he could see right through you, and while you mentally try to construct a wall in your head, for some reason you know that it will do no good. He’s much stronger than Kylo, and much stronger than you. “This is the girl that you allow to have so much power over you.”

               “I don’t have any power over him,” you say firmly. Kylo glances up at you incredulously, but you keep your tone as level as possible. “He has so far carried out all of your instructions, hasn’t he? He’s done everything you asked. I’m not getting in the way of that.”

               “Bold.” Snoke lets the word settle on your skin like a thin film and it’s all you can do not to shudder as he appraises you. “But you are keeping him from his full potential. You, and the _child_.”

               He says the last word in such a breathless way that it forces you to meet his gaze. “You will not touch Ani,” you say firmly, your upper lip tugging into the semblance of a snarl. “You will never have him, never train him, never even get close.”

               Snoke’s mouth twists into what you can only describe as a forced smile, and it makes you feel sick to your stomach as you look back towards Kylo, who is staring resolutely at the floor. “You are devoted to him, as you are to Ren.” He extends one hand towards Kylo, who still has not moved. “You are stronger. If Ren had not sent you away, I would have allowed him to have formally trained you as his apprentice to embrace the dark side of the Force.”

               Kylo stiffens as Snoke continues. “But he was weak, and so he remains. He sent you away to preserve your light, and he continues to allow himself to be seduced.” Suddenly everything becomes clear. Kylo had sent you away because you _had_ been in danger, because Snoke wanted to corrupt you, to turn you to the dark side for good. Kylo had sensed your devotion to him and, knowing you would fall, sent you away for your own safety, inadvertently maintaining his own link to the light side as well through the Force bond you shared. But, as Snoke clearly saw, you would not submit to the darkness, not anymore, and for that, Kylo would have to kill you if he ever wanted to sever his pull to the light. For a brief moment, you realize that Kylo had been staying away from you _to_ protect you, but you can’t dwell on that thought, not here, not now.

               Kylo looks up quickly, then back down again. When he speaks, his voice has a nervous, frightened edge that almost makes him sound a bit younger. “Supreme Leader-“

               “Silence,” Snoke commands, and Kylo bows his head further. Snoke turns back to you, and you can hear a low hum in the air, but you’re not quite sure if it’s coming from the room or from him. “I have waited for this moment for a long time, to see Ren finally reach his full potential. Taking the life of Han Solo was his first step; you shall be his last.” Your heart freezes in your chest as he turns to face Kylo. “This is the final test to complete your training. End her life and sever your pull to the light once and for all. Only then will you achieve the power to carry on your grandfather’s legacy. Only then will you achieve the greatness you were destined for.”

               Kylo closes his eyes for a moment, but when he opens them again, the look on his face is completely changed, as though he had become another person in a matter of seconds. “Yes, Supreme Leader.” His voice is almost devoid of all emotion, robotic, and you can’t help but take a step back as he gets to his feet. Without reaching for it, he uses the Force to summon his lightsaber into his hand, and you watch wordlessly as the red, glowing blade cracks and snaps in front of you, greedy for destruction. You reach for your own lightsaber, but it’s not there. Your staff? Gone. You had not even a blaster for protection, and there was nothing you could do to stop Kylo from charging at you with his blade outstretched.

               You jump to the side at the last minute as he swings it down in a strike, sparks showering his armor as he strikes the wall in front of him. You dash to the door but it’s locked, and you’re too unfocused to open it. You see Kylo coming towards you again, his face completely expressionless, and you shudder as you take a few steps away from him. “You don’t have to do this, Kylo,” you tell him, trying to make your voice sound as firm as possible. “This isn’t who you are.”

               “I do.” His voice sounds nothing like him, and for the first time, you’re willing to believe that maybe brainwashing really was possible after all. You knew that Ladson’s personality had been more or less altered by the First Order, but whatever they had done had seemed to wear off over time. This was something else entirely, as though he became an entirely different person in the presence of Snoke. You glance to the left just quickly enough to see Snoke watching the scene unfold with a smile on his face. It angers you, but you know you can’t afford to be angry right now. You can’t afford to give into the dark side. If light made Kylo weak, then you had to channel the light side of the Force into your strength.

               Kylo comes at you again, but he doesn’t really seem to be trying all that hard to hit you as you move out of the way. You could only hope that some small part of himself was fighting Snoke’s programming, trying to cling to whatever still remained of his feelings for you. “We can do this together,” you tell him. “We can leave this room, leave this ship, and never look back.”

               “I can’t.” Kylo stretches his arm out now, and immediately your body is frozen in place, your feet rooted to the floor to keep you from moving.

               “No, Kylo, no-“ You close your eyes and try to concentrate, try to summon the light to will your body to move. You can feel the heat of the blade getting closer and closer, and your lower lip quivers as you prepare yourself for the jolt of pain that’s about to end your life. That’s when you hear it, so faint you can barely be sure it’s there, but it’s Kylo’s voice, in your head.

               _I’m sorry._

               You feel the blade hover in the air, about to make its final strike as you open your eyes, surged on by new confidence. You punch one hand into your other fist for support before you smash at the inner side of his wrist with both hands. He drops his hold on the lightsaber and it skitters across the floor out of his reach. Kylo looks at you in surprise, and you feel your heart twist in your chest. “It’s not my job to save you,” you yell at him. “But it looks like I’m going to have to do it anyway.”

               You rush at him, throwing a punch at his chest, but he blocks it as he takes a step back from you. You are so close to him, and you put up your fists like you used to do back in his room, when it was all just pretend. He narrows his eyes and steps back, committed to at least entertaining you before he killed you the same way he murdered his father. You throw out another punch and he grabs it and twists your arm around into an uncomfortable position. You grit your teeth but manage to bring your leg up and around as you kick him squarely in the abdomen. He releases his grip on you and you take a few stumbling steps back out of his reach. “Kylo, you don’t have to do this,” you plead with him. “Please, I love you.”

               He gives his head a quick little shake from side to side. “It’s not enough.”

               In a fit of anger, you lunge at him, and your movements become a quick series of moves and countermoves, dodging and blocking whatever attacks he throws at you, while Snoke looks on in amusement. You hated the fact that he was enjoying this, ordering your lover to kill you, and it made you sick. The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous, and you were glad you were finally getting to see that now. All along you wanted an answer as to whether or not he really loved you or not, and here it was: whether he loved you or not, neither his love for you nor your love for him was enough to dissuade him from ending your life.

               You plant a firm kick to his side, but Kylo simply grabs your leg and pushes you over, knocking you to the floor. You breathe in and out in heavy gasps for air, and that’s when you see his lightsaber just a foot or two in front of you. Reaching out your hand, you summon it into your grasp and Kylo’s lip twitches as he sees you holding it again. Snoke seems to lean forward out of his chair in interest as you close your eyes and focus. You center yourself, trying to imagine Kylo holding it, trying to imagine Kylo’s energy flowing through you like you had before.

               And just like that, almost immediately, the blade snaps and emerges out of the hilt as you hold it out in front of you, determined to wield it to save your life. For some reason, the antagonism you felt when you first held the blade was gone, although it still reverberated in your hands with the Kyber crystal’s dissonance. Kylo simply walks to one side as he watches you, and you trail his path with the tip of his lightsaber. “You’re not going to kill me. You can’t.” He’s not cocky; his expression is serious, almost as though he is debating whether or not you really have it in you to end his life.

               “I can’t kill you,” you admit. “But I can defend myself with it. Maybe you won’t die, but I don’t think you’d be too happy about losing an arm or a leg.”

               You can see a flash of surprise in Kylo’s eyes as he sees that you mean it. _Of course you meant it._ He had been trying to _kill_ you not seconds before, and he was upset that you considered maiming him? You can feel the hilt of the blade start pulling towards him, and it’s all you can do to hold onto it as Kylo raises his hand, trying to pull the lightsaber out of your grip.

               “No-“ You close your eyes and try to focus your strength, knowing that you’re the one that has the power here. You can do this, you can, if you just believe in yourself, if you just believe in the Force, you could do this…couldn’t you?

               Suddenly a tiny voice creeps into the back of your mind, and at first you’re not sure where it’s coming from, but it almost appears to be coming from inside of you, as the voice keeps speaking in a quiet little chant. _Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him._

You open your eyes as you turn your head towards Snoke. “I’m not going to kill him,” you tell him. “You can’t control me, not now, not ever.”

               But it was enough of a distraction that Kylo needed. You discharge the blade, and at that moment, Kylo uses an extra bit of Force to shove the hilt of the lightsaber towards him. You refuse to release your grip and you’re dragged forward a few feet, your back to the wall, as you refuse to release your grip. As you get closer, you finally let go and put both of your hands on his chest, using the Force to push him back as hard as you can. He stumbles back a few paces, and you fall backwards onto your back from the recoil. You sit up quickly and spot the lightsaber on the floor in front of you. Kylo notices it too, and as you reach out to grab it, he uses the Force to pull it to him, and you suck in a deep breath as it all happens in one fluid moment.

               You’re standing in front of him, directly in front of him, so close you could almost kiss him, his face only inches from yours. You meet his dark eyes for a moment before you look down to see the hilt of the lightsaber pressing sharply into your abdomen. You can hear Snoke let out a chuckle from off to your right as you look up into Kylo’s eyes, which are now shining with fear. He’s going to do it, you know he’s going to do it, you can feel his intention throbbing through your Force connection.

               “I told you to leave,” he says quietly, almost as if this serves as an adequate apology.

               You make a small noise in the back of your throat, but you don’t know what to say. You search yourself for whatever emotion will be your last, but all you can feel is a dull sense of shock. Everyone had told you time and time again that Kylo Ren was bad, that he was evil, that he was now simply a puppet of Snoke’s creation, and yet you heard all their warnings without actually listening to them, spurred on instead by your own desire for him. You had been unable to resist your attraction to him, and now, that attraction was going to prove fatal.

               You can hear Snoke silently urging him on as Kylo hesitates, his hands on both sides of the hilt. He closes his eyes, as if to concentrate, and as his face once again becomes steady and expressionless, you know these final seconds are your last.

               Maybe this was the way it had to be. Maybe this was the way it was always supposed to be, whether you fought it or not, every step you had taken, every decision you had ever made, led you to exactly this point. For someone who thought and overthought every single little detail that passed through your head, you couldn’t help but feel surprisingly numb. This was supposed to be your story. You were supposed to be the hero of your own story. You were supposed to save the day and finally bring about the end of the war once and for all. But maybe that wasn’t your role. Maybe you weren’t the hero after all. Maybe you were just one small piece in something much larger. Maybe that was Ani’s role to play. Maybe the Force had brought you two together so you could conceive him, and now the Force had led you here to die, to give Ani some motive for revenge to turn against his own father. You couldn’t imagine a more capricious destiny, but you couldn’t help the fact that you were here, now, and this was happening. You had wanted so badly to be the hero in your own story that you neglected to realize that you were just a small part of something much larger. You were a small part of everyone’s story. People would remember you. The people in the Republic, the people in the crowd that had watched you fight with Rey, they would remember the girl with the glowing amber staff. They would forget your name, but you hoped they would never forget what they felt when they watched you fight. It wouldn’t be much, but at least it was one way you could be sure that you wouldn’t be forgotten.

               Maybe that same night, a baby had been born, a lover died in the arms of a lover, and someone, quite literally, blew an old enemy away, and maybe this seemingly random change of life-altering events that didn’t seem to impact you at all were exactly why it was you, standing here, about to die. You wondered if your death would have any incidental impact at all. You thought back to what Poe had said to you, back while you were watching the sunset. _“If you can stop them, think of how many innocent lives that you’ll be saving, think of the people who will be alive because of your courage, your bravery.”_

               Maybe if you had left, Kylo Ren would have stormed away in anger and blew up an entire village, one that contained that newborn baby. Maybe, because of your sacrifice, that baby would live and grow up to be a pilot for the Resistance, or a commander in the First Order, simply because he or she had been allowed to live because of a seemingly insignificant decision that you made. You would never be the hero in your, or anyone else’s story, but maybe at the very least you could say that you made a positive difference in the galaxy, that the galaxy had been better for you having been in it, at least for a short while, and if this was your purpose in life, then so be it. If the universe had simply put you here and set you on this track to carry the torch and bring Ani into existence, to get him to the Resistance, then it would only confirm what you had always known to be true, that he was destined for greatness, and you should feel proud that you were at least allowed the privilege of having a few brief years with him before you had to go.

               Maybe your affection for Poe hadn’t been genuine after all. Maybe it was simply another way for the Force to guide Ani to his destiny within the Resistance, and who better to guarantee him that solid future than the current General and her altruistic Commander, who would no doubt take Ani under his charge once he learned of your seemingly predictable demise. Despite his and everyone’s resolute confidence in you, you had almost allowed yourself to believe that you were indomitable, and this was a sobering reminder that here you stood, human and mortal, on the doorstep of your destruction. Their confidence had not been enough to save you, and that’s when you think of Ladson, the one person who had expressed that it would have been better if you had stayed behind. Maybe even meeting Ladson hadn’t been by chance, giving Ani someone remarkably steadfast and loyal to look out for and protect him while you met your end here, by the hands of a person you once had considered your solace, your home.

               You can feel the hilt of his lightsaber twist uncomfortably into your gut, and Kylo opens his eyes to meet yours again. You can feel his steady resolve ebbing through the Force bond that you shared, but he was determined to do this, determined to break the link that bound him to the light once and for all. You can see the apology in his dark eyes, and once again, perhaps for the final time, you can hear him whisper the words in the back of your mind.

               _I’m sorry._

               And then it’s done. You remember how you felt when Kylo was standing in front of you when you had first encountered him in your room in the Starkiller Base, when his face had hovered above yours, lips only inches away, and you both knew it was only a matter of seconds before you finally pressed them together and irreparably changed your lives forever. It was that feeling of tension, of the seconds ticking down to an unstoppable moment that passed between you now and you felt tears that you didn’t know were brimming spilling down your cheeks. In one swift motion, you grab his face in both hands. You had only time enough to utter your final words, and you knew their significance could not be overstated. These would be the words Kylo would play back in his mind over and over again as he mourned you, and you needed to make them count, if not for you, then maybe for Ani.

               “Kylo, I forgive you.”

               Your voice is loud and raw and full of emotion as you press your lips to his for the final time. Kylo’s lips are slightly parted as you kiss him, and you don’t pull away, waiting for the final second to tick by that would mark the end of your life. You could only hope that Ani would understand, one day, why you had to go. Why you had to die. Why his father had to kill his mother. You knew it was not something he would ever be able to understand, not truly, but you could at least hope that he


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....for messing with your feelings.

               At first you didn’t know what had happened. You were lying on the floor, your vision blurred in front of you, as you tried to make sense of what had just transpired. You closed your eyes and played it back over in your mind: Kylo had been standing with the hilt of his lightsaber shoved into your gut when suddenly there was a deafening blast and you had been thrown backwards, the back of your head hitting the wall _hard_. You tried to get up but your head suddenly felt as if it was split down the middle, and for a moment you wondered if Kylo had cracked your head open with his lightsaber instead. You closed your eyes as you felt a wave of nausea pass over you, and opened them again to see your vision still swimming, as though you were looking through film.

               You could see Kylo get to his feet, and you realized that the hologram of Snoke was gone, for whatever reason. You close your eyes again and collapse your head down onto the floor, too weak and in too much pain to move. You can feel Kylo’s gloved hand brush your hair out of your face, and you wince as he makes contact with your head, which as of this moment, felt far too sensitive. You just lie there, vulnerable, waiting for the final blow that doesn’t come.

               “We need to go.”

               His words sound funny in your ears as he tosses you over one shoulder, and although the movement caused a sharp spike of pain to pool in the center of your skull and drip in a steady rivulet down the screaming nerve endings in your neck, there wasn’t much you could do to protest but groan, which brought on a whole new wave of pain on its own. You see his new helmet lying discarded on the floor in the corner of the room, and you close your eyes as he quickly makes his way down the hall, although you don’t know where he’s headed. Another explosion rocks the ship, and you couldn’t help but thank the Force for that incredible amount of perfect timing.

               Keeping your eyes closed as he carries you through the halls, you have no idea where he’s going but force yourself to trust him; you’re in far too much pain to do much else. You are too overwhelmed from that massive hit you just took to even _think_ about the Resistance or the mission that you were here for. You had been sent here to disable Kylo Ren, but it turned out instead that you had been the one to be disabled, and he was either carrying you to safety or to a different kind of hell.

               “STOP.”

               Kylo stops moving and you rack your brain to figure out where the familiar voice came from. _Rey._ You can’t help but smile to yourself, and Kylo adjusts your weight on his shoulder before he steps over the threshold to a doorway and sets you down right beside the door. Your head rolls onto one shoulder at an uncomfortable angle as you feel Kylo standing above you, and all at once you can hear the hum of his lightsaber. You shudder for a moment before he turns away from you, and you open your eyes to see Rey standing on the middle of a bridge, suspended over a large abyss, much like the one Han Solo had died on. You see the blue of her lightsaber, and you blink a few times before your vision finally starts to clear.

               Kylo arrogantly swings his lightsaber in his right hand a few times as he walks towards her. “You’re in my way, scavenger.”

               “We’re taking you back with us,” Rey says firmly, brandishing her lightsaber out in front of her. “It’s over. The First Order is lost.”

               Kylo doesn’t respond as he just swings his lightsaber out towards her in an underhanded strike, and she blocks it, swinging her arm down to push him back. You hear the sound of their lightsabers hitting against each other as you close your eyes again, resting your head against the wall. You had to help her, or help him, or help someone, you had to do something. Your eyes snap open again as Rey lets out a nervous cry as Kylo almost gets the better of her.

               _Kylo, stop, just give up_. You try to reach out to him with your mind, but if he heard you, he makes no sign of it. You try to get up, using the wall to brace yourself, but the room is starting to spin and you let yourself sit back, at least for another moment.

               “There you are.” Suddenly you hear another voice, a warm, familiar voice that immediately tugs a smile to your lips as you see Poe drop down beside you. He glances nervously to the battle raging on between Rey and Kylo on the center of the bridge before he turns his attention back to you. “Are you okay?” He puts two fingers under your chin and tilts your head back as he studies your face.

               “Hit my head,” you say softly. “I’m fine though, you know me.” You suddenly spot a scorch mark along the shoulder of his armored flight suit, and you notice that he’s favoring his other hand. Adrenaline immediately races through your veins as you realize that Poe got hit coming here to try to save you, you, who had been more than content to forget about him while you had been intimate with Kylo Ren over the course of the past few days _._ “What happened? Are you okay?”

               “I’m fine,” he says, and while you’re not so sure, he has the decency to crack a grin as he leans forward and kisses you softly, chastely, quickly, but it’s enough. You can feel a bubble of pure rage rising in your chest, and you pull away to see Kylo staring right at you. _Oh shit._ But it’s good enough of a distraction, as he almost doesn’t dodge a strike that Rey hurls against his side. Poe helps you to your feet, and that’s when a Storm Trooper emerges out of a door to the left that you hadn’t seen before.

               Poe immediately spins you around the corner with him as red blaster bolts explode against the wall where you had just been standing. You take a few steadying breaths as you let your senses return to you, and Poe unclips a blaster pistol from his belt, taking advantage of the lull from around the corner to return fire. He peeks around the corner and turns back to face you, brushing your hair out of your face as he cradles your temple, just like Kylo had earlier. “You seriously okay?”

               “Yeah, I just hit my head really _fucking_ hard,” you say as Rey lets out a cry from inside. You both exchange a quick glance as you peek back inside. “I need to go help her.”

               “Wait-“ Poe calls out to you, but as you move to step back inside, four Storm Troopers come racing around the corner and raise their blasters at you, forcing Poe to pull you back into the doorway as more bolts go flying in your direction. “You need to find Finn.”

               “Why?” you ask, but he doesn’t reply right away as he grits his teeth in concentration. The four Storms Troops are constantly firing bolts into the doorway, giving Poe no opportunity to duck out and fire back. You want to try to use the Force against them, but you feel weak right now, and you’re not sure how much power you had. You weren’t sure how well you could channel the Force, and you had no lightsaber, no staff, and nothing to defend yourself with.

               “I’ve got an idea,” Poe says suddenly as he motions to a Storm Trooper lying face down next to you. “Help me flip him over.” Confused but in no mood to argue, you pull on one shoulder as Poe turns the Trooper over at the hip as he grabs a small, silvery sphere with a black line around it. Poe cracks a grin as he tosses it up in the air with one hand before catching it and turning it over in his fingers. “Lucky he didn’t use this on us, huh?”

               “Is that what I think it is?” you ask nervously, glancing between Poe and the small silver orb in his hands.

               “Just watch.” He waits for a break in the fire before he twists either half of the sphere in opposite directions, and it starts to make a high pitched whine before it starts to beep, rapidly, and he rolls it out the door towards the Storm Troopers. Outside, you can hear the Storm Troopers alarmed cries as the thermal detonator explodes and emits a wave of fire. Once the smoke clears, Poe steps out the door, blaster at the ready. At the end of the hallway you only counted three Storm Troopers on the ground, and before you could warn him, the last Storm Trooper jumped out from behind the corner and raised his blaster, firing a series of shots in your direction. Poe immediately pushes you to the side, out of harm’s way, before he lets out a disgruntled cry and falls backwards.

               “No!” You scream and hold up your hand to the Storm Trooper, who immediately goes down to his knees as he slumps face first to the floor. You were wondering how you had managed to knock him out so quickly when you see Finn standing behind him, holding up the blaster rifle he had just fired. You let out an appreciative breath until you see Chewie following through the door after him, firing at the Storm Troopers who were pressing in with his bowcaster. Finn gives you an appreciative nod before he turns back to help Chewie, and you rush to Poe as you drop to your knees beside him. “Are you okay? Did he hit you?” Your voice is almost frantic.

               “Grazed me,” Poe says with a slight chuckle. “I’m fine, I’m-“ He can’t hide the grimace of pain as he tries to sit up.

               “No, no, no, no,” Finn rushes over to his side, and Poe forces a smile for his sake, too.

               “Hey, buddy, no, I’m okay,” Poe says quickly. “Just grazed me, I’m okay.”

               “We need to move,” Finn tells you as he meets your eyes.

               “We need to get out of here,” you agree. “But I need to help Rey first. We can’t leave without Kylo or this whole thing will have been for nothing.”

               You step onto the other end of the bridge, so that Kylo is effectively cornered between Rey and you. “Wait-“ You see Finn reach into his jacket pocket as he tosses something over to you, and you catch it in both hands. _Your lightsaber._

               You hold it up above your head in one hand as you expand it, and Kylo spins to face you, staring at you, mystified, as you hold the glowing amber staff out in front of you. His eyes travel up and down the blades as if he can’t quite believe what he’s seeing before they return back to your face. “It’s time to go, Kylo. Come on, we need to get to the hangar.”

               “You.“ Kylo glares at you like he doesn’t quite know what to say, his eyes full of anger and betrayal, and you just shake your head, indicating that this isn’t the time for this.

               _Let me try to talk to him,_ you tell Rey. _Let me try to reason with him._

 _It can’t be done,_ is Rey’s firm reply, but she doesn’t attack him while his back is turned regardless. His attention is centered on you now, and you intend to take full advantage.

               “It’s done, Kylo,” you tell him. “It’s all over now, and you’re coming with us one way or another.” You dim the power in your lightsaber, just a bit, as you offer your hand to him. “Please just come with me. We can go back to the Resistance, together, _please_.”

               Kylo doesn’t say anything as he charges at you with a spin, slashing at the bridge cables to send Rey falling into the abyss below, and you hold up your staff and spin it to the side to block his overhead strike, tilting it the other way to block another blow to the side. Suddenly you were happy to have had all of those sparring and fighting lessons with him on the Starkiller Base years ago. It may have been a long time since those had happened, but muscle memory did not fade, and his old, established, signature moves remained the same. Behind him, you see Rey jump into a looping somersault from the collapsing bridge as she goes up to strike him from behind, and he spins around to block her before he spins back around to evade your next strike. You are both closing in on him, and it’s clear that he’s like a trapped animal as he lashes out in each direction with his lightsaber, his swings becoming angrier and more erratic with each blind thrust.

               You remember how hard it was facing Rey’s twin lightsabers even with your two blades, and you had no idea how Kylo was managing to keep up with all three blades compared to his single red sword. You and Rey continue to wheel around him, alternately avoiding his wild slashes and quickly cutting through holes in his defenses to wear him down as you pushed him towards the dead end of the walkway. As he realizes he cannot be driven back any further, he lashes out in his rage and slashes downward towards your head, and you instinctively block it, absorbing the full force of his strike with the hilt. Rey had been right; it was real Mandalorian iron, and it absorbs the impact without so much as cracking. Kylo looks briefly shocked that your _hilt_ could stop his lightsaber, and you take full advantage of this distraction.

               “Rey!” You hold up your hand towards Kylo’s head, palm out, trying to concentrate, and Rey does the same. Kylo tries to swing out before he drops down to one knee, the force of your collective conscious overwhelming his. “Don’t fight it, Kylo,” you tell him softly. “Come on, Kylo, don’t fight this.” But he does, and it’s clear that he’s in a terrible amount of pain as he sinks down to one knee, gritting his teeth in agony before he finally drops to the floor, unconscious. You feel dizzy, like you’re about to faint, and you clutch the nearby rail for support as the ship is hit by another blast that makes you almost topple over, and you can see Kylo’s lightsaber rolling in your direction.

               “Grab it,” Rey tells you, and you quickly bend down and pick up Kylo’s lightsaber, attaching it to your belt as Chewie makes his way past you, scooping Ren into his large arms and throwing him over his shoulder as if he was a child. “Good work.”

               “Told you, piece of cake,” you say with a small smirk. You still feel dizzy, and weak, but you know you need to move past it. Kylo could still wake up at any time, and you still had to make your way off this ship. Rey beams at you, but her expression quickly fades as both of you have to grab the railings as the ship sways dangerously again. Chewie lets out a loud howl, and you turn to Rey. “He’s right; time to go.”

               You both rush back towards Poe as Finn is helping him get to his feet, and you quickly support his other arm as you both help him out into the hallway. Your lightsaber is clutched firmly in your hand, but you don’t know how much you’ll be able to really protect them at this rate. Rey leads the way, lightsaber in one hand and Poe’s discarded blaster in the other, as you make your way down the hall back towards what you could only assume to be the hangar.

               When you get inside, there is a general sense of chaos. You see Poe’s X-Wing parked beside a large ship, and Rey quickly turns back to Poe, who didn’t appear to be in any position to fly it. “I got it,” she yells to him as she turns to you. “Can you handle him okay?”

               “Yeah,” you reply, although for a split second you’re not sure if she’s talking about Poe or Kylo.

               You quickly follow Chewie up the ramp to the ship as she hops into the X-Wing, and Poe turns his head back to watch her. “Glad I taught her how to fly that thing,” he mutters under his breath as you lead him onto the ship and plop him down into a seat. You let Finn help strap him in before you turn around to see Chewie set Kylo down. You quickly buckle him into the seat, smoothing back his damp hair in a quick gesture before Poe can see you.

               Suddenly, a blast rocks the ship, and you fall backwards into Finn, who grabs you by both arms to steady you. “Can you take off okay?” Poe asks Finn, who nods, as Chewie climbs into the co-pilot seat.

               “Should be fine, as long as the shields hold,” Finn says, but as he talks, the ship is jarred by another hit.

               “Go,” you tell him, pushing him towards the cockpit. You can hear Kylo start to stir, but you don’t pay him any mind. Right now you just had to worry about getting the ship in the air, and then you could deal with him later. You still had his lightsaber, and Chewie had his bowcaster if Kylo started to cause any real trouble, although something told you that he wouldn’t. “Start her up,” you say quickly. “I’ll buy you some time.”

               “Wait-“ Poe says quickly, but you ignore him as you head down the ramp to find yourself surrounded by a legion of Storm Troopers. You summon the blades of your lightsaber to either end of your staff as you twirl it around, blocking the various blaster shots that they shoot in your direction. You’re able to take out a few that are close to you with the deflected shots, but your head is still pounding, you feel weak, and you’re in no state to be fighting. Even still, you don’t have a choice, and you keep trying to push them back until something hits you in the side of the leg and you go down, tumbling to the bottom of the ramp.

               You sit up just in time to see a blaster bolt headed right for you, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it in time. You squeeze your eyes shut, bracing yourself for the impact, but it doesn’t come. You open your eyes to see it suspended in midair in front of you, and you quickly scoot to the side, out of its way, as it crashes against the ramp. You can hear the steady hum of the ship’s engines kicking on, and you turn back to look at Kylo, who raises both hands to knock the approaching Storm Troopers back.

               “Take my hand,” he yells above the noise, and you can see the ramp starting to ascend. You quickly dash onto it, jumping up to grab his hand, and he pulls you safely into his arms, your face crashing into his chest as his arms fold around you. You hover there for a moment, inhaling his scent and his warmth, and without even thinking you reach up and press your lips against his where you know Poe can’t see you. He kisses you back, for just a moment, before he pulls away and narrows his eyes at you.

               “You betrayed me,” he says quietly.

               “I-“ The ship lurches again, and you both move back to where you were sitting. There are two seats facing each other, Poe on one side and Kylo on the other, and two seats against the back wall between them. You can either be sitting closer to Poe or closer to Kylo without sitting directly next to them, and you decide to sit next to Kylo, for safety reasons. You buckle yourself in and clutch your lightsaber tightly in your hands as you take a deep breath, listening to Finn whoop with appreciation from the cockpit as the hyperdrive engages.

               “We made it,” Finn laughs. He looks back at you and casts you a thumbs up, and you smile as you return it, holding your arm straight out in front of you. You turn to Poe for affirmation, and he smiles as he nods at you, although his eyes look less sure.

               Suddenly the air in the cabin seems tense, which is made all the more strained by Chewie’s sudden growling declaration. Your Shyriiwook may have been a bit rusty, but you loosely translated it in your head as, “Just wait until your mother sees you, she is going to be _furious_.”

               Kylo just scowls as he looks away, refusing to look at anyone in particular, and you let out a deep breath. Kylo’s eyes eventually meet yours, and you don’t look away. You can’t really tell what’s going on behind his dark eyes, but you can’t help but stare back at him, silently pleading for his forgiveness. Not that you should even bother. Less than an hour ago, he was trying to kill you, and although you didn’t know if he would have gone through with it, now the tables were turned. Now you were the one leading him to his predictably eventual death.

               “You’re not as intimidating without your mask,” Poe says at length, finally breaking the silence.

               Kylo just turns his head to regard him with dry humor in his eyes as he holds up one hand. For a moment, nothing happens, but suddenly Poe’s head snaps back against the seat and you can see him screw his eyes together tight as he grimaces in pain.

               “Kylo, stop,” you order. “Seriously, you’re hurting him. Don’t make me knock you out again.”

               “What’s going on?” Finn yells from up front.

               “Kylo, stop.” You pull your lightsaber to eye level and expand it so that the tip of one of the blades ends just before it can touch Kylo’s nose. Kylo just smirks, as though he is completely unaffected by the gesture, and slowly lowers his arm.

               “There will be no mind probing of any kind on this ship,” Finn calls back, turning around. “Can’t you just knock him out again?”

               “I will if he doesn’t behave himself,” you mutter under your breath, and Kylo just settles into a satisfied, contented gloat as you unbuckle yourself to sit by Poe’s side. “Hey,” you say quietly as you brush back his thick hair, which is damp with sweat. “You okay?”

               “Fine,” he replies, offering a small smile. He takes your hand in his and you offer a small smile of your own in return as you can feel Kylo’s anger growing, only this time, it wasn’t pure unadulterated ire, no, this was jealousy. You squeeze Poe’s hand reassuringly as you move back to sit down in the seat closer to Kylo, just in case he tries anything.

               As you buckle yourself back into your seat, Kylo reaches out with his long arm to push some of your hair away from your neck. At first you’re not exactly sure what he’s trying to accomplish, but you suddenly realize that he’s admiring his handiwork of the hickeys and love bites that are scattered across your neck. You close your eyes and wrinkle up your nose as you realize he was trying to make Poe jealous in turn. Poe, to his credit, looks more or less unaffected.               

               “How are you doing?” you ask him, waving off Kylo’s hand as if he was simply an annoyance. “Are you feeling okay?”

               “It just grazed me,” Poe says, keeping his tone light. “Not the first time it’s happened; give it a week, and I’ll be back to normal in no time.”

               “That’s what happens when you get out of your ship,” you tease him gently, just trying to make conversation. “You weren’t made for this grunt work.”

               Poe chuckles appreciatively. “Yeah, well, I didn’t want you to be stuck with _him_ any longer than you had to.” He juts his chin out towards Kylo, pulling up the corner of his upper lip in the semblance of sneer.

               “Really?” Kylo says as he turns to face Poe, sitting up a little straighter even though the height difference between them was already obvious. “She seemed to be enjoying her time with me.” Poe gnaws on the corner of his lower lip as he stares him down, and you roll your eyes.

               “How’s Ani?” you ask, turning to Poe, desperate to say anything to get the conversation off of you. Plus, you knew that talking about Ani was likely to captivate Kylo’s attention, and you were hoping to provide him with enough of a distraction to stop him from trying something, anything else. Kylo’s behavior had been nothing short of erratic today, and you weren’t exactly sure what he was capable of in his weakened state. You didn’t think he would hurt you, not again, not now, but you didn’t want to underestimate him regardless.

               “Misses his mom,” Poe says simply. “Although-“ He hesitates then shakes his head, as if deciding against something. “It can wait.”

               “What?” you ask, leaning forward in your chair. Kylo stretches his arm forward, palm out, and you slap it down. “No.”

               “There are other ways to draw it out of him,” Kylo says simply, and you ignore him as you turn back to Poe.

               “Just tell me,” you tell him quickly, and Poe releases a heavy sigh before glancing at Kylo and then back to you.

               “He’s been talking to someone,” he tells you. “Ladson hears him at night. He says sometimes Ani’ll go into the other room to talk to someone, but there’s no one there. Ladson’s asked him about it, but all Ani will say is that he’s talking to the man from his dreams.”

               “Snoke?” you ask, the knuckles on both hands turning white as they clench into fists at your side. “Was it Snoke?”

               “Don’t know,” Poe admits. “Ladson doesn’t think so, at any rate, Ani didn’t seem familiar with the name, although apparently they were talking about you.” He glances back towards Kylo. “And him.”

               “Ani knows he’s coming?” you ask, turning desperately from Kylo to Poe. Poe just nods his head solemnly and you swing back to Kylo. “Was this your doing? Did you do your dream visit vision thing to him too? What did you do?”

               “Nothing,” Kylo replies simply as he looks away from you.

               That answer’s not good enough for you. Without thinking, you unbuckle yourself again and slide onto his lap, pressing your fingertips to his temples. You close your eyes and try to focus, but you are still weak from what happened earlier, and you can’t really get anything out of him. You’re trying though, trying as hard as you can, taking baby steps, remembering how you used to wait until you opened up that black corridor in your mind that led you to access his. It had been so much easier in the past when he would willingly open himself up to you, when he hardly kept a shield between you at all, but you supposed those days had been gone for a long while now.

               Suddenly you feel Kylo’s hands on either side of your head, pulling your face towards him as he kisses you again, and you kiss him back for the briefest of moments before you realize what he’s trying to do. You push his chest with both hands as you stumble off of his lap. “Asshat,” you hiss as you move now to sit beside Poe, crossing your arms over your chest. Kylo simply raises his eyebrows as he tilts his head to the side, gloating. You scowl at him, and as his dark eyes lock with yours, you hear his voice inside your head again.

               _So this was your plan all along, to lead me back to the Resistance._

You huff and refuse to look at him, but you can feel his gentle coaxing as you turn back to face him. _I hardly think it matters what_ I _tried to do, when you were the one who was ready to kill me._

 _I couldn’t,_ Kylo replies. _You know I couldn’t. You could feel me, I-_

“I didn’t know what you were feeling,” you exclaim suddenly, and even Finn swivels his head around to look at you. You sigh and curse under your breath as you turn to Poe. “He tried to kill me,” you say, fully aware of how childish your voice sounds right now, as if you were tattling on him. “Snoke ordered him to try to kill me, and he almost did it too, if you guys hadn’t shown up and knocked the lightsaber out of his hands.”

               “Snoke was there?” Poe asks seriously, but you just shake your head.

               “Hologram,” you answer as you turn to Kylo, your face set. “But we’ll find out his location soon enough.”

               Kylo just sits back as he fixes you with his gaze, and you stare right back at him, projecting another mental thought into his head. _Fine, let’s say you weren’t going to kill me. But was he right? Did you really send me away because Snoke wanted to train me in the dark side of the Force?_

Kylo rolls his head to the side and crosses his arms over his chest, as if the conversation is making him uncomfortable. _I had other reasons._

That’s a yes.

_Fine. Then answer me this: did you stay away from me all this time to try to protect me and Ani?_

               His eyes meet yours again, and his face is suddenly full of sincerity. _Yes._ He spreads his palms and lowers his mental shield, and you close your eyes as you feel his honesty emanating off of him. He was telling the truth. Poe looks between you two, sensing the mental connection, but says nothing.

               _Like that matters_ , you huff, blowing air out through your nostrils. _So you protected me? Big deal. You still hurt and killed trillions of other people. The only reason you saved me and Ani is because of your own self-interest. It isn’t love if it’s self-preservation._

 _Self-preservation?_ Kylo asks, and you can sense a note of good humor in his thoughts. _Is that why you’re with the pilot?_

Your hands ball into fists at your sides once again, and you can feel heat rising in your cheeks. You had no idea what Kylo had been able to glimpse in Poe’s head, but considering Poe wasn’t Force-sensitive enough to block him, and emotionally charged memories were the easiest to grasp, you figured he must have seen enough. _First of all, despite what you may have seen in his head, I am not_ with _him, and second of all, that is none of your business._

Kylo is silent for a moment, then, _He cares about you._

You glance up at him, and for a moment you let his tone echo in your ears as his words reverberate in your mind. He sounded so sad, so defeated; he knew what was coming when you landed back on D’Qar. He knew that there was no possible way that you two could ever possibly be together again. Slowly, you bring your eyes back up to meet his. _It’s nothing compared to what I felt for you over the past few days._

Now it’s Kylo’s turn to huff as he looks away. _It’s just the Force bond. That’s all it is._

 _If that’s all it is then look me in the eyes and_ say _it._ His eyes snap back towards yours, and you can see him willing himself to want to say it, but he can’t bring himself to. _I know you have the emotional maturity of a child,_ you tell him, _but can we at least talk about this like adults?_

Kylo just shakes his head. _There’s nothing to talk about._

You’re too tired for this, too tired for all of this. You mope as you rest your head against Poe’s shoulder and close your eyes. His one hand is still bracing the side that got hit, but the other sneaks its way around your shoulder, gently scratching the area just above your ear. It’s not really all that pleasurable, and you don’t like it as much as the way Kylo touches you, but you stay silent. The moments tick by and become minutes, and you lose track of time.

               “What?” Poe asks suddenly, and you open your eyes to see Kylo staring at him intently.

               “She doesn’t like that,” Kylo says at length, and Poe’s hand stops suddenly as he realizes what Kylo is referring to.

               “It’s fine,” you try to reassure him, but Poe just moves his hand down to your shoulder. You feel a cloud of depression hover over you for a moment as your eyes skirt to Kylo, and you wish you could have been cuddling up to him for one last time instead.

               “Don’t fall asleep back there,” Finn calls back to you. “Remember, this is the guy who tried to kill me once. I’m not real keen on having my back to him up here.”

               “Noted,” you yell back as you sit up, turning to face Poe. “You doing okay?” You can’t help but notice that he’s lost some color in his cheeks, and you’re not sure what you can do for him.

               “Fine,” he says as he offers you a soft smile, but you can tell that he’s growing weaker.

               “Maybe if he hadn’t been distracted-“ Kylo starts, and you turn around angrily to face him.

               “Keep talking and I will run you through with your own lightsaber,” you snap. You take Poe’s hand in yours and gently run your thumb over his knuckles. “Hey, we’re going to be home soon, okay? And then they’re going to fix you right up and you’re going to take me out flying again and then you’re going to teach me how to pilot your X-Wing next, all right?”

               Poe just smiles at you as he lets his eyes slip closed, and you decide to let him rest, holding both of his hands firmly in yours. His pulse is still strong and steady, so there was at least that to be thankful for. He was going to make it, you knew that, you just didn’t like seeing him weak like this. You can feel some sort of emotion or thought ebbing off Kylo, and you quickly turn around to find him glaring in your direction.

               _He might be dying, so can you please stop being jealous for five minutes?_ you ask. _You know what’s going to happen once we get back to D’Qar; there’s no use fighting it._

Kylo just crosses his arms over his chest. _I can try to escape, right now. I can kill you and everyone here._

“But you know there’s no point,” you snap. “You couldn’t kill me, Snoke is probably done with you, and I can feel it, you’re tired of this. This war has gone on for years, and you are watching everything that you have struggled to achieve collapsing at your feet. So, no, you’re not going to try to escape, because you have nowhere else to go.” You realize you’re talking out loud again, and so you quickly silence your voice and communicate with him through thought instead. _And you want to see Ani, I can feel it. You want to see your son; you’re hoping they’ll let you see him before whatever happens next._ You steady your resolve. “But try to escape and I will kill you, you have my word. If you think I’m going to risk you hurting Finn or Poe or anyone on this ship, then you don’t know me or the lengths I’ll go to in order to protect my friends.”

               Kylo narrows his eyes at you. This is a truth that he already knows all too well. _You betrayed me,_ he says at length. _Do you think I could ever forgive you for this?_

You just laugh to yourself. _I’ve forgiven you for plenty, but you know what? Maybe in this case, you are stronger than me. So go ahead, don’t forgive me, I hope you won’t. At least it’ll make things easier for me._

You bring the back of Poe’s hand to your lips and kiss it, but you’re troubled, both by Kylo’s reaction and by how cold Poe’s hand seemed. “Can this ship go any faster?” you call to Finn up front as you scoot yourself back in your own seat.

               “We’ll be back soon,” Finn assures you. “Just hold on a little while longer.” You let out a deep breath as you hold Poe’s hand between both of yours and meet Kylo’s relentless gaze, not daring to look away, not even for a minute. You couldn’t be home soon enough.

               You are greeted by no less than an army when you finally return to D’Qar, with Rey and Leia leading the charge. Kylo casts one last irritated glance back in your direction as he turns to face them, and you catch a rare glimpse of mother and child seeing each other again for the first time in years. His facial expression remains completely impassive, giving nothing away, and she just stares up at him, her lips pursed, but her eyes still gleaming with reserved emotion before she finally orders her troops to lead him to the cell that she had probably prepared for him.

               You feel absolutely drained, your vision spotting at the corners, but you immediately get to your feet as she comes over to embrace you, and for the first time you really let yourself be encircled by her maternal embrace, resting your cheek against her shoulder. You want to ask her what’s to be done with him, if they’re going to kill him, but you can’t ask her that when you’re surrounded by Rey and Finn and Poe and everyone else. As soon as you pull away from her, you’re almost toppled backwards by Rey, who wraps her arms around you so tightly you’re afraid you might just break in half.

               “Are you okay?” she asks as she pulls away, holding you at arm’s length as she studies your face.

               “Yeah, I’m-“ But at that moment, it all becomes too much for you to take, and you let the dark spots overtake your vision as you drop into a dead faint, Finn catching you from behind before your head hits the floor.

               Honestly, it should have been surprising that you had made it that long. You had started to lose track of yourself on the _Resolute_ , started to fall back into Kylo’s arms as if you were feeding a much needed addiction, and seeing everyone else there with him was like a shock to your system. You almost felt as though you had been previously living in two separate worlds, one in the First Order with Kylo, and one on the Resistance base with everyone else, and now the two halves of yourself were being violently merged together, forcing you to finally make a choice. The only problem was that the choice wasn’t really yours to make. You could love Kylo all you wanted, but the fact was that he was a prisoner here now, and it didn’t seem like he was likely to forgive you. Then again, he hadn’t really seemed all that surprised to begin with, and you wondered if Kylo himself really had given up hope, of everything, of commanding the galaxy, of being with you, or even of being a father. You had no idea what had happened to him over the past few years, but he showed all the signs of a man quickly unravelling, and you couldn’t do a thing to help him. No, the only thing you had to gain through him was being sucked back under the current of the Force bond yet again, and that wasn’t really so much as a gain as it was a submission, and you doubted anyone here would allow you to submerge yourself in it ever again.  

               Of course, that didn’t mean you wouldn’t still be tempted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to let you know what kind of people my editors are, they literally suggested that I should just write that last chapter and walk away from the story for a solid week and let everyone think that was the end...lucky for you guys I am nowhere near that mean. xD I am, however, sore, tired, and soaked to the bone. I feel like I haven't slept in 3 days and then spent all of today running around downtown Charleston getting caught in the rain and hitting up every bakery and coffee shop we passed so my friend could load up on espresso shots. HI ALEX!! ;) Needless to say, I am very sleepy and my tummy is full of cookies so the next chapter will be up on Monday, because I am pretty sure I'm about to pass out in about twenty minutes. Enjoy your Easter if you celebrate it, everybody!! <3 *collapses*


	30. Chapter 30

               _Kylo. I need to get to Kylo._

You could feel rage bubbling in your veins, but strangely enough, you couldn’t see anything. There was a steady black pitch in front of your vision, but your eyes were open, you were sure of it. You were awake, you could feel sensations, although you weren’t quite sure if that was how to really describe them. You thought you felt your fingers brush against fabric. You thought your fingers moved against the cool steel of a metal bar, but you couldn’t be sure if these were memories from your past, something you were currently imagining, or if it was something that you were actively experiencing.

               _Kylo is trapped. He’s in danger. I need to get to him._

You could feel a sudden jolt of pain, and all at once it felt like there was a physical thread knotted into the center of your chest. You weren’t quite sure if it was there, you couldn’t see it, but you could feel as though there was a cord stitched tight into your flesh that seemed to pull you forward, and you let it. You did not resist. It did not matter how it got there; it would take you to Kylo. You were sure of it. Except that, when you tried to get up, you felt hands on your arms, pushing you back down. That was strange. You couldn’t feel anything holding you down, but when you tried to get back up again, there it was, those same hands, pushing you back down.

               _They’re coming for you. You’re in danger. You need to get out._

You didn’t recognize that voice. It sounded so familiar, and yet you couldn’t place it for a moment. _What? Kylo?_

Something beeps next to your ear, and it sounds almost familiar, although you can’t place where you had heard it last.

               _They’re going to put you down. They know what you did. You’re a risk._

You can feel something tug at the inside of your arm, and for just a moment you think you can see a room with white walls, and the shape of someone standing by your bedside. For just a moment you think you can hear a woman talking, but it’s so brief that you can barely be sure you heard her before you link everything together, the electronic beep, the white walls, the woman talking. You were probably back in the med bay, and the realization made you all sorts of uncomfortable.

               _They’re going to put you down. You need to help me get out of here. I can help you escape._

 _Kylo, are you okay?_ you ask quickly. _Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine here. Are you hurt?_

_You’re not fine. What they’ve done to me they’ll do to you next. We need to take Ani and leave this place, immediately._

_What did they do to you, Kylo? Show-_

Before you can even finish your sentence, the pain in your head becomes overbearing. It feels almost as though someone is literally gripping your skull as hard as they can, applying so much pressure to your forehead with their thumbs that you feel as though your skull is going to shatter like glass and they’re going to stick their thumbs straight through to the goopy mess inside your brain. You immediately hold up your hands to your head and twist your fists in your hair as you grit your teeth and kick against the pain, but it doesn’t let up. You’re crying out now, barely able to breathe, and the pain is so severe that you think for a moment that you are quite literally dying of pain, that your body physically can’t take anymore and your nerves are simply going to collapse under the strain of transmitting such an enormous sense of energy.

               Finally it stops, although it’s more like a snap, the pain being replaced with a cold sense of fury.

               “I need to find Kylo.” You sit straight up and although you can feel someone’s hand on your shoulder you grab it and twist it painfully away from you. You think you can hear a cry of pain, but you feel surprisingly calm. Suddenly there’s another hand at your other shoulder, stronger, and it’s not so easy for you to push this one away. You still can’t see anything beyond the black pitch, but you think you can see shapes moving around in the darkness, and you grab the person’s arm as you twist it forward, throwing them to the floor as you start to get up. There’s all sorts of noises now, like people stampeding around the room, but you don’t can’t tell how many people are actually _there_ or if your mind is just making them up, twisting the shadows in the corners of your visions into sentient forms. Either way, it hardly mattered. You needed to get to Kylo.

               You can feel people trying to stop you, restrain you, but they’re suddenly like toys to you, their bodies weightless, like paper dolls, underneath the force of your power. _The Force._ Suddenly you channel it, using it to push everything and everyone away from you, and you think you can hear furniture sliding across the room even though you still don’t have any idea where you are. Instead you stride forward, compelled by the tug of the thread anchored in your chest. You can feel more people trying to stop you, it’s like you’re wading through a crowd, but to you it’s almost as if they don’t exist on your blind search to find Kylo. To free him. To help him escape. For a brief moment, you don’t know anyone else, not even Ani. Only Kylo penetrates your thoughts, and it’s like you have become a robot, whose sole purpose is to find Kylo and help free him. That is all you were. Everything you were or would be was in relation to him. There was no room for any doubt in your brain.

               “Stop.” You hear a voice now, loud and clear in the penetrating silence that seemed to replace the small sounds of life that you had heard earlier. You’re not quite sure who it is, but you can sense some form in front of you, small, yet powerful.

               Your mouth contorts into a smirk as you sneer at her, not fully aware of your own actions. “The scavenger.”

               “I’ve never seen this before,” Rey admits hesitantly, but her voice is loud, reverberating around your skull. “I think the doctors gave you something, they-“

               “They’re going to kill me,” you tell her. “And then they’re going to kill him. I need to help him escape.”

               “They’re not going to-“

               “They are. They took him. You did this. You and the Resistance have been using me and manipulating me for years. Kylo is the only person who has ever truly cared about me, the only one that has ever put me first, above your petty squabble with the First Order.”

               “This isn’t you talking right now. Try to think back, do you remember my name?”

               “You’re the scavenger.” Suddenly, another thought strikes you from out of the depths of your mind. “You’re the one that scarred him. You almost…you could have killed him.”

               Rey says your name, but it takes you a few moments to pick up on the fact that she’s speaking directly to you. “You need to focus. You are mentally weak right now, and-“

               “I am not weak,” you practically shriek, and you shout so hard that your vocal cords strain in your neck. You can feel a sense of power brewing in you that you know without a doubt is coming from the dark side, and for once, you don’t try to fight it. You surrender to it, let it overwhelm you, let it make you stronger…

               Without even really knowing what you’re doing, you stretch forward one hand and you can hear Rey gasp as she struggles to suck in a breath, and you idly wonder if you’re Force Choking her with a deranged sense of apathy as she hovers in the air before you. You had never been able to do that before, but maybe this was a sign that you were getting stronger. It didn’t even occur to you that it was probably Kylo’s strength that was running through your veins right now as you casually toss her body aside. You didn’t want to kill her, you had no urge to kill or destroy or even attack. You just had to get to Kylo, to free him; that was your objective, the only thing that mattered.

               “I need to free Kylo. Come after me and I _will_ kill you.”

               Suddenly there was another force in front of you, not just a figure or a presence but a _force_ that was so powerful it almost made you cower back for a second, although in that moment, you could almost feel Kylo split himself from you, as if he was trying to draw away. Suddenly you feel two firm hands on either side of your head, but this time you don’t even try to fight it. His power is overwhelming, and you’re not quite sure if you’re in awe or afraid but it feels almost as though it could tear you apart at any second. You hear someone saying your name, and it’s a man’s voice, older, just a bit coarse, and for a split second you open your eyes and you can see everything. You’re in the med bay, you can tell by the familiar white walls, but there is a man standing in front of you, and your eyes are immediately drawn to his face, to the sharp, crystal blue of his eyes. You’re transfixed for a moment, and you can’t look away as he centers his energy on you.

               His mouth is moving, like he’s saying something, but you can’t hear anything. The world is silent around you, and you can’t remember if it had always been that way or if this was something that he was doing to you. Out of the corner of your eye you can see Rey stand up behind you, rubbing her neck. _It’s all right_ , she tells you, her voice soft and gentle, even considering what you had just done. _Just let him in. You won’t rem-_

But you’ve already closed your eyes and given into it, and for a moment you don’t feel anything. You don’t feel Kylo, you don’t feel Rey, or the force of the man in front of you; you can’t feel anything. The darkness in front of your vision is suddenly replaced by a blistering, brilliant white, but it’s almost comforting, and you let yourself surrender to it as you feel yourself drop to the floor. The man catches you, you can feel yourself in his arms, and you can feel the heel of his palm press against your temple. You feel your pulse under the pressure of his hands, and for a moment you feel dizzy, and weightless, before you surrender to it completely.

* * *

 

               When you finally awoke, you found yourself lying on a bed in the med bay, surrounded on all sides by starch white walls. You blinked a few times to clear your vision before you forced yourself into a seated position, trying to ignore the kink in your neck as you stretched it from side to side. You looked down at yourself to see a series of tubes inserted into your arms, one thin one inserted into the vein in the back of your right hand and one inserted into the crook of your left elbow; just looking at them made you shudder. You quickly ripped off the tape covering the one over your right hand, gently coaxing the needle out of you with your thumb. You shook out your fingers and made a fist a handful of times before you turned your attention to the other one, watching your skin lift off your arm as it stuck to the adhesive. You closed your eyes and made a face as you slowly pulled upwards, gently pulling the needle out of this arm as well. The inside of your elbow felt sore, and you didn’t want to make anything worse by bending it, but the truth was that you felt seriously weak and you hated that feeling more than you could possibly imagine.

               “I think you’re supposed to leave those in.” You roll to the side to see Poe lying on his own bed on the other side of the room. You should be glad to see that the color has returned to his cheeks, be glad to see that he’s okay, but the only thing that crosses your mind is the fact that this is the first time that you’re seeing him shirtless, with a large white bandage wrapped around his abdomen. For some reason, you’re irritated by this realization.

               “I fucking hate needles,” you tell him as you look down at yourself, making sure there’s no more stuck in you in any unnecessary places. That’s also when you realize that you’re not wearing any clothes, and are instead covered with some loose fabric sheet that you didn’t think was sealed in the back, making getting up in front of Poe a very interesting decision, should you choose to make it. “And where the fuck are my clothes?”

               Poe just laughs at you, shaking his head as he gnaws on the corner of his bottom lip. “Someone’s still angry.” You’re about to ask him what he means by that when Ladson comes through the door, Ani leading the charge.

               “Mommy!” Ani immediately jumps onto your bed as he crawls towards you, and you can’t help but scoop him up in your arms, burying your nose in his hair as you inhale his scent.

               “Mm, there’s my little guy,” you tell him, holding him at arm’s length. “See, didn’t I tell you I’d come back?” Ladson stands awkwardly at the foot of your bed, shuffling from foot to foot, and you tilt your head to the side. “Well, don’t you look all doom and gloom?” He just looks down and to the side, and you can feel the hairs on your neck stand on end as you wonder if something has happened to Kylo. “Where is he? Is he okay?”

               Ladson turns to Poe, and they share a look that you don’t understand. “She doing any better today?”

               “ _She’s_ going to stick her foot up someone’s ass if you don’t tell her what’s going on,” you hiss vehemently, ignoring the fact that Ani is sitting right in your lap.

               “You, uh.” Poe runs his thumb along his lower lip, as if trying to figure out what to say. “You got a little hostile a few days ago.”

               “A few days?” you ask, turning from him to Ladson. “How long have I been in here?”

               “A week or so,” Ladson replies, and you feel a rush of cold air blow over you, although you can’t be sure what vent it’s coming from, if it was even coming from a vent at all. “You, uh, well, on your second day you woke up and you started freaking out.”

               “Freaking out?” you shake your head to the side, as if to clear it. “Okay, I don’t remember anything. What-?”

               “You started attacking everyone,” Ladson says quickly, rubbing the back of his neck. “You, uh, well-“ He looks towards Ani, who has begun wrapping the tube that used to be in your hand over and over around his fingers.

               “He didn’t-?” you ask nervously. The last thing you wanted was for Ani to have seen your apparent breakdown.

               “No,” Ladson assures you. “But uh, yeah, Rey and Luke had to knock you out. You were saying a lot of, uh, weird stuff.”

               “Weird stuff,” you echo, feeling a blush rise in your cheeks. “Do I even want to know?”

               “Don’t worry about it,” Poe says dismissively, but you can’t bring yourself to look at him right now, and so you distract yourself by pulling the tubing away from Ani instead. “No one blames you.”

               “Luke came to visit you again later but you were still out of it,” Ladson adds. “He said some stuff about the Force bond, but uh, I don’t know, it’s stuff we can talk about later.”

               “Can I see dad now?” Ani asks, looking up at you. You put one hand on his head as you glance between him and Ladson.

               “I’ll talk to grandma about it,” you tell him, wincing internally as Ani makes a face. “Hey, your dad is, uh-“ You look to Ladson to help you out, but he just shakes his head and refuses to meet your eyes.

               “He did some bad stuff,” Ani finishes for you. “And people are mad at him.”

               “Yeah,” you say quickly. “So he’s in, uh, he’s in time out.”

               “Oh,” is Ani’s reply. “For how long?”

               “We’ll see,” you say, turning to Ladson. “Go to my room and get my clothes, I want to go back and take a shower. And eat something.”

               “I don’t think-“ Ladson begins, but you narrow your eyes at him as you turn to Ani.

               “You’ve been training with your staff, right?” you ask him, and Ani bobs his head up and down. “Good man, go run along with Ladson and make sure he does what I tell him to, all right?” Ani smiles, but Ladson just shakes his head as he helps Ani hop down off the bed, and Ani gives you one final wave before they sneak out the door.

               “I don’t think they’re going to just _let_ you leave,” Poe tells you.

               “Well if I _attacked_ everyone then I can only hope that they’re smart enough to stay out of my way,” you snap. You can’t help but shake your head and curse as you punch one fist into the open palm of your other hand, holding it to your forehead as you groan and lean forward. “I need to talk to Rey,” you say. “Or Luke or whoever.”

               “They’re gone,” Poe tells you, and you crack one eye open to look at him.

               “What?” you ask flatly.

               “They’re gone,” Poe repeats. “Luke was able to get out of Ren whatever they needed to go find Snoke, and he left with Rey and Finn to go find him.” He winks at you. “They put me in charge of taking care of you.”

               “Fantastic,” you mutter under your breath. “But what did they do with Kylo? Is he still on base, is he still here?”

               “After you passed out, they gave you some drugs to help you sleep,” Poe tells you. “When you woke up, your shields were completely down, and I guess Ren was able to control you through the Force bond somehow; Luke said you became extremely susceptible to whatever thoughts that Ren put in your head. You were, uh, shouting about how you needed to see him and, well, some other stuff that it’s probably better you don’t remember.”

               “Fantastic,” you mutter again as you roll your eyes. It was bad enough that it happened, worse yet that _Poe_ of all people had to see it. “Still didn’t answer my question though.”

               “Well, you’re angrier than I’ve ever seen you,” Poe says. “So I’m just saying, can’t you feel him right now?”

               You let out a deep breath and put your hands on your knees. “Do me a favor and don’t talk for like, five minutes.” You let your eyes slip closed and you stare into the immense blackness ahead of you, reaching out, feeling for anything. You can feel Kylo’s anger bubbling in you as if it was your own and then something else too, a sense of despair, as if he was in pain. He’s not that far away, you can sense it, but when you try to reach out to him with your mind, it’s just like coming up against a wall, and you realize you won’t be able to send him a message. You’re not sure if it’s his doing or Luke’s or Rey’s, but you realize that you need to vent his anger and take back control of yourself, and quickly, before you made an even bigger fool of yourself than you apparently had been.

               You let out another deep breath and try to focus, pretending that you’re in the Green Room with Rey. You picture the darkness around you, but in the back of your mind you can still hear the bubbling of the water rushing through the stones around you, and you can feel the hot air against your face. It feels really nice compared to the cold, sterile air of the med bay and you allow yourself to get lost in it as you focus. You picture yourself groping out amongst the warm stones to try to find it, a candle, and once you do you hold it up in both hands and ignite the wick in your mind, creating a small flicker of light. You watch it grow slightly and consume the wick until it becomes a steady, burning flame that you hold up in both of your hands, accepting it, embracing it, trusting it. You watch the candle slowly melt down for a while, holding it in front of you with the Force so that the hot wax won’t burn your fingers, and when you open your eyes again you feel a sense of calm wash over you.

               You blink a few times as you look around the room, but nothing is different, nothing has changed, and Poe is watching you expectantly. You mentally try to place a shield in your mind to make sure that Kylo’s will won’t impress upon yours anymore, but you have no idea how strong it is in your weak state. “Okay, I’m better,” you say at length as you turn back to face him. “Thanks.”

               “Don’t thank me,” he says. “You’re the one who deserves all the credit. You helped us get out of there, you helped take care of me, and you managed to capture him. You’re a hero.”

               You just shake your head. You were _not_ a hero, not by any means, but you didn’t want to argue it out with Poe right now, not when you weren’t sure how much of a grasp you had on your emotions at the current moment. “So I take it you’re feeling better?”

               Poe nods his head. “And you? How are you feeling?”

               You just shrug your shoulders absent-mindedly, not really wanting to answer the question. “So pretend I’m not actually talking about this,” you say as you prop yourself up on your elbows. “But when I was there, Snoke ordered Kylo to kill me and despite the fact that he didn’t actually go through with it, I still want payback. I want to be the one to take Snoke out. You don’t suppose they’d let me join up with Finn and Rey to help take him out, do you?”

               “Not a chance,” Poe says with a light chuckle, as if he isn’t taking your request seriously. “That information is so top secret even I don’t know where they went off to. Luke thought it would be better if no one knew. He probably told Leia, but I don’t even know that for sure.”

               You bite your lip. You know you shouldn’t say it, but you can’t help yourself right now. “If I can get it out of Ren where Snoke is, would you help fly me out there? I mean, I could probably fly myself, but-“

               “Not a chance,” Poe repeats with less humor in his voice. “Do you even think she’s going to let you see him? Everyone knows how strong of a hold he has on you.”

               “As you said before, I was weak,” you say as patiently as possible. “I just need a few days to recover and then-“

               “Why do you want to see him?” Poe asks, raising his eyebrows. “What could you possibly have to say to him?”

               “Ani wants to see him,” you tell him firmly. “And I need to make sure he’s not going to, like, I don’t know, I just need to see him first.” Poe shakes his head as he looks away, and you felt a flash of anger rise up in you again, but it’s not as strong as before. Even still, you realize that if you are going to convince everyone to let you see Kylo Ren, then you were going to have to start acting more or less like your normal self, and the easiest way to do that was to convince everyone that you still had feelings for Poe. “Hey, I am not _choosing_ him, if that’s what you’re worried about.” You hesitate, but only for the briefest of moments, letting a touch of genuine sincerity creep into your voice. “But I’m sorry that-“

               “Hey, don’t be sorry,” Poe says quickly, and his eyes drop down to your neck before they meet your eyes again. You don’t have access to a mirror, but you can only hope that after a week that Kylo’s marks have faded slightly. “You did what you had to do. And I understand that you have this strong pull to him through the Force, but I know that you’re strong enough to resist it, and we can help you get through this.”

               You just force a small smile to your face as you shake your head. “You know, you are far too sweet for someone like me. I’m too-“ you shake your head again, trying to search for the right word. “-dark.”

               “You’re not dark,” Poe says with a light chuckle, and there’s a confidence in his voice that commands your attention. “You’re not dark, you’re just confused, and flawed, just like everyone is.”

               “Yeah, but _you_ are not flawed,” you say pointedly. “You are so kind, and selfless, and-“                   

               “Flawed,” Poe repeats. “I’m flattered that you think so, but I am far from perfect.” You look away from him, but something draws your eyes back up, and Poe continues talking. “I know that you’re constantly being pulled between the light and the dark, and especially because of him you think there’s much more darkness in you than there should be, but that is not true. You have so much light in you, and I may not be that sensitive to the Force, but I can still see it, everyone can. You risked your life out there to help the Resistance, and when the time came, when it _really_ mattered, you weren’t overwhelmed by the Force bond. You fought him, and you fought for your friends.” He shakes his head. “When I think about how much you have been through, and how strong you still are, and how much you still try and you never give up, I can see the light in you, and that’s what I’m drawn to.”

               You hated to admit it, but he had a point. He actually made a lot of good points, and for a moment, you could admit that you were genuinely and honestly confused. When you were on the _Resolute_ , you hadn’t even _thought_ about turning against Rey and escaping with Kylo. Between the two of you, you could have overpowered her easily, but it didn’t even occur to you to turn on your friends and try to escape with him. Was it because you had thought that Kylo would really have gone through with killing you moments before? Was it because of the head injury you sustained? Was it because Poe got hurt? For a moment, you don’t have to pretend that you have feelings for him, and the fear that you had felt when you were sitting with him on Laktaras Point comes rushing back to you. The chance that you could have a future with Kylo now looked slimmer than before, and for a moment you were honestly confused whether you were still manipulating Poe to serve your own ends or if you were submerging yourself under the weight of them. Either way, that was something that you could figure out later. For now, the result had to be the same no matter which way you looked at the situation.

               You can feel your heart burning in your chest, and you swing your legs out from under the blankets as you rush out of your bed and into his, grabbing his face in both hands as you kiss him as urgently as you can. “Easy,” Poe teases, running his hand along the top of your head, but you continue to kiss him, ignoring the fact that your lips are chapped and you haven’t brushed your teeth in about a week. You couldn’t help it. As you kissed him, you couldn’t help but think that this, this was what you needed. Kylo had been treating your light as if it was something that had to be extinguished, treating it as a weakness, but Poe saw it for what it really was: a strength. He saw the light and embraced it, much as you had before you had been sent over to Kylo. Now that you were here again, you had to recognize that you were back amongst friends, friends that loved you and wanted the best for you. Kylo was here too, now, and you would have to be wary of the Force bond that you shared with him, but if you could embrace what Poe had said, if you could see yourself the way Poe saw you, then maybe this whole thing would be a lot easier.

               “I choose you,” you murmur against his lips. “I want to be with you. You are so sweet, and so thoughtful, and so generous and he’s done nothing but hurt me and try to kill me and-“

               “But you still have feelings for him,” Poe says, pulling away slightly, and you don’t know whether or not you should be concerned by the fact that this doesn’t really seem to bother him at all. “And it may just be the Force bond, but you went through a lot. Just take some time to think things over, figure things out. There’s no need to rush things. Take some time to figure out what you really want, and I’ll still be here when you do.”

               Your jaw drops in shock for a moment before you hit his arm lightly, timing each light slap in time with your words. “Stop being so perfect.” Poe just laughs and you kiss him one more time, chastely, before you pull away from him, pulling up the sheet that was slipping down your arms. “Although you just better hope that Ladson gets back here with my clothes soon, otherwise I am going to freak out again. I hate the med bay, I hate doctors, and I just want to go back to my room and recover there.”

               “I better find a way to distract you then,” Poe says in a soft voice, and you literally shiver as he runs his fingertips down the smooth skin of your bare back. This is the first time he’s touched you in such an intimate way, even after sleeping beside him, and you can’t help but be affected by it.

               “You’re teasing,” you say as you turn back to face him incredulously. “You – are you seriously teasing me right now?” Poe just laughs and you smack his arm again, and you’re so busy laughing that you don’t even notice the door open as someone steps through.  

               “Am I interrupting something?” Ladson asks as he throws your shirt at you, and you spin around just in time for it to hit you directly in your face. You huff as you pull it off of you, just in time to get hit in the face with your pants. “At least you look like you’re in a better mood.”

               “Not until I’ve had a shower,” you tell him, clutching your clothes to your chest, and Ladson just smiles good-naturedly as he shuts the door again. Your eyes scan the room, but it doesn’t look like there’s a bathroom or anything to change in. You just shrug as you stand up, plopping your clothes out on Poe’s bed so that you can get dressed. You look towards him to see that he’s lying back with a grin on his face, his hands covering his eyes. “Are you serious right now?”

               “You’re changing,” he says simply. “I’m not going to look at you while you’re changing; it would be indecent of me.”

               You just shake your head incredulously as you slide off your robe and drop it to the floor so you’re standing stark naked in front of him, but his expression doesn’t change. He’s not peeking. He’s really lying there in front of you, with his eyes closed, in an effort to preserve your modesty. You just shake your head and purse your lips together as you feel a heat rise to your cheeks.

               “Stop being so _perfect_.”

               But even as you said those words, you couldn’t help but feel your spirits dampen a bit. Poe was perfect, or as close to it as you assumed a person could possibly get, anyway. You were not. You were flawed and you were weak, if your recent outburst was any indication, and yet Poe still seemed to have faith in you that it was only a momentary lapse. You, however, could not be so sure. Kylo was close by now, he was on base, and as long as he was here, you would constantly feel drawn to him. Part of you just wanted to close your eyes and focus hard enough to shut him out for good, but another part of you not only wanted to see him again, but wanted to give in to whatever emotions you had felt towards him back on his Star Destroyer. Despite all that he had done, he was yours and you were his and there was nothing that either of you could do to change that.

               One was too good for you, the other was too wicked. So which side would you choose, the light side or the dark? In truth, you were both. In truth, in this moment, you felt as though you were neither.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emotions are going to start getting complicated, and they get even moreso when the Reader confronts Kylo about his feelings for her tomorrow. ;) Only eight chapters left of this installment, everybody!! (And I'm not ready for it to end!!) Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	31. Chapter 31

               The shower water hitting your skin is cathartic in a way that you can’t quite describe. It felt as though each individual drop of water contained its own panacea, working its way into your skin and healing you of everything that you had experienced over the course of the past few weeks. You let it wash over you, and as you scrubbed yourself clean, you could only hope that it would rinse away whatever was left of your emotional ties to Kylo Ren. You knew it wouldn’t be that easy, knew it couldn’t be, but you wanted to let go of him all the same. He was alive, at least for now, but he was a prisoner, and there was no way you could be with him, so there was no point in screwing up the rest of your future by trying.

               Nevertheless, as you got out of the shower, Ani was sitting on your bed, anxious to see his father, and so after a quick meal with him and Ladson, you headed over to the command center to see Leia. Poe was still in the med bay resting up, and you knew that he would probably want to spend a lot more time with you, now that Rey and Finn were gone and they had left you in his charge; therefore, if you wanted to see Kylo, you had to do it fast, as you doubted that Poe would permit you to see him. But even as the thought crossed your mind, you had to shake your head to clear it. No, there was no way that Poe would restrict you from doing _anything_ you wanted to do, so long as it wasn’t ridiculously dangerous. In fact, if you wanted to see Kylo Ren again, he would probably offer to go with you and hold your hand the whole way through it.

               You were beginning to wonder if Leia just lived in the command center, or whether it was just your Force luck that she always happened to be in there whenever you wanted to talk to her. Today was no exception. She was in there, talking to a general or someone of higher command when you walked in, and so you just waited quietly by the door until she was ready to speak to you. By the time she walked over to you, you could tell that she was flustered, not her usual composed self, and you wondered if she was also being subtly influenced by Kylo’s presence on base.

               “I don’t think I need to ask why you’re here,” she says as she looks you up and down. “How are you?”

               You look down, embarrassed, rubbing the toe of your boot into the floor. “I guess you heard about my little outburst, huh?”

               She just shakes her head and lets out a sigh like that was just one more thing she had to deal with. “You’re going to ask me if you can see him again, aren’t you?”

               “Actually, I was going to ask if Ani can see him,” you say matter-of-factly. “I know the things he’s done, but Ani doesn’t, and he really wants to see his father.” Leia just shakes her head and lets out a sigh, as if she doesn’t think it’s a good idea. “Ani’s talking to someone at night, Leia.”

               Leia looks up quickly, her eyes searching yours. “Who?”

               “Not sure,” you admit as you shake your head from side to side. “Ladson doesn’t think it’s Snoke, and I don’t think it’s Kylo, but I won’t know for sure until I get them in a room together to see for myself.”

               She looks at you as she gnaws on her lower lip nervously, trying to make a decision. “What did he say?”

               “Ani?” you ask. “I don’t know; I haven’t talked to him about it yet. I’m hoping that I’ll catch him talking myself and be able to piece the conversation together from there to figure out who he’s talking to.”

               Leia looks at you and seems to harden her resolve. “You did your part, you got my son home, and my brother took Rey and Finn to take out Snoke once and for all, thanks to you. I don’t think I’m in a position to deny you anything.”

               “I don’t want anything,” you say, before you quickly correct yourself. “Actually, I mean, I would like to stay here, if that’s okay with you.” She nods. “And I want to have access to Kylo.”

               She tilts her head to the side and sighs as she tells you what part of the base he’s being held in. “Do I need a special kind of keycard or anything to get in there?” you ask.

               “No,” she says, shaking her head. “We didn’t want to risk anyone potentially trying to break him out, so I had Luke seal it with a special Force lock, so you can only get in if you are aligned with the light side of the Force. That limits who has access to him to a small number of people, yourself being one of them.”

               You bite your lip nervously, remembering how Kylo was still drawn to the light because of the bond you shared with him. “But, Kylo-“

               She holds up her hand to stop you, as if she already knows what you’re going to ask. “He has since abandoned that path,” is all she says, and you nod your head.

               “How is he?” you ask. “It’s been a week, how is he doing?”

               “He’s being difficult,” Leia says, shaking her head in exasperation. “I swear, sometimes it’s just like he’s-“ She waves her hand dramatically and doesn’t continue, and for the first time you’re starting to realize that his presence on base might be affecting more than just you, although you couldn’t tell if she was being influenced by the Force or merely the circumstances. She finally collects herself as she looks back up at you. “Go see him, if you must. I know he’s Ani’s father, but just be careful.”

               “Of course, thank you,” you say quickly. She turns to go when you catch her arm. “I, um, I saw Snoke, by the way.” She spins around to look at you, her eyes wide. “Just in a hologram, up on the ship. He ordered Kylo to kill me and it was pretty touch and go there for a while, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. I just, I don’t know, I thought you should know that.”

               You turn around quickly and leave the room, heading down the hall as fast as you can without looking back. A part of you didn’t know why you had told Leia about that, but it didn’t take long for you to puzzle it out. Kylo couldn’t bring himself to kill you. He had almost killed Finn, and he could have killed Poe and Rey, but he had willingly spared you. It shouldn’t have meant that much, but it was at least a very small sign that there was still potentially a glimmer of light in him, some bit of goodness that hadn’t been irreversibly eradicated from his being, and while other people would have chided you against that sort of thinking, you knew Leia would want to hear it. After everything was said and done, she was still his mother, and there would be nothing that he could do to stop her from hoping that he would turn from the darkness and become her son again.

               You’re so immersed in your thoughts that you don’t even realize that you’ve made your way down to Kylo’s cell. She had told you what general part of the base he was in, but it was like your feet had just guided you here on instinct. You could feel him now, so close to you, and it took you a moment to compose yourself before you put your hand on the keypad and focused your energy. It took a few minutes, but you focused on Rey and imagined her feeding you her strength, and that was the final push that you needed to make the scanner beep with a tiny green speck of light and allowed the door to slide open. Inside, there was another door with a slot for food, and you mentally put your hand on this door and allowed it to swing open using the Force.

               The cell is just a bit smaller than your bedroom, but still a decent size. There’s a small bed pushed up against the far corner, and a toilet and a sink in the other to at least give him a place to properly relieve himself. Other than that, though, there was nothing else in the cell. Everything was white, from floor to ceiling to sheets, and Kylo stood out in stark contrast against his surroundings, his familiar black armor and dark hair looking almost like a stain against the cleanliness of the room. He eyes you curiously as you walk in, his facial expression giving nothing away.

               “It’s nice in here,” you say softly, your eyes drifting towards every corner of the room. “Nicer than that cell you had me locked in.”

               “I was wondering when you would come,” Kylo says immediately, as if he had been waiting for you.

               “Sorry,” you reply with a slight laugh. “I’ve been in the med bay all week. Apparently I was completely out of sorts.” He tilts his head to the side, just slightly, as if he’s concerned, although the action was so slight anyone who didn’t know him wouldn’t have perceived anything out of the ordinary. “Apparently you trying to kill me was a really distressing event for me and I passed out before I could even get off the ship,” you tell him as you start to pace about the small room. “You know, that kind of stress could kill a person.”

               “You know I wouldn’t have gone through with it,” Kylo says dismissively.

               “Wouldn’t or couldn’t?” you ask sharply, crossing your arms over your chest.

               Kylo just sits there and sulks in consideration. “Either,” he says at length. “You know I couldn’t hurt you. It would have been like killing a piece of myself. As much as I would like to destroy the last bit of light in me, I couldn’t hurt you.”

               You’re quiet for a moment, and again you can’t really bring any thoughts to mind. It was like now that he was finally here, your brain was relaxed, at ease, simply comforted by merely being so close to him. “Are we really that connected?” you finally ask.

               Kylo just smirks as he shakes his head and decides to take the conversation in a different direction. “You played me,” he says, and there’s a bit of an edge to his voice. “You’re just like your teacher, the one you loathed so much. Now you’re the one working for the Resistance, manipulating me all on your own. Well done.”

               For a moment you wonder if, subconsciously, that’s why you had gone ahead and went through with this. When you had been sent to the Starkiller Base, you had been working with the Resistance without your knowledge under B’s tutelage, while he set you up as bait to manipulate Kylo Ren. And now, that was what you had done here, except you were the one pulling the strings. You were no longer a pawn, but the master in your own manipulations. You had finally gained control over a situation that you had previously been a victim in. The thought concerns you, but you push it away.

               “Don’t try to pin this on me,” you tell him. “You’re the one who asked me to come in the first place, and you knew why I was there, deep down, I think you knew. That’s why you allowed me to stay. You wanted to give this up. You knew Snoke would demand that you kill me sooner or later, and so you were just _waiting_ for the Resistance to show up and take you prisoner so you could be done with this, once and for all.”

               “You don’t know that,” Kylo says quietly, but he shifts uncomfortably as he looks away.

               “Oh no?” you ask as you raise your eyebrows. “I can feel you, just as you can feel me. You’re weak. Defeated. You’ve killed so many innocent people, done so many terrible things, and you killed your father when you could have turned back right then. I can practically smell the regret on you.” Kylo refuses to meet your eyes, but you don’t stop. “You could have gone back with him, Kylo. You could have joined the Resistance, back when there was at least a _chance_ of forgiveness, and then you could have come back for me and Ani-“

               “You would have been in danger,” Kylo mutters. “The First Order would have come after you, used you as bait against me, and I couldn’t-“

               “You didn’t murder your father to protect us,” you spit. “Seriously, don’t even go there.” Kylo glances at you before he looks away again, shaking his head. “This isn’t easy for me,” you continue. “I loved you, and I think deep down I’ve always loved you, even though I’ve second guessed it and doubted you so many times, I really think I did, but it doesn’t _matter_. You have done so many bad things, it’s past that point now. You may have treated me well, but they’re never going to let you out of here after everything you’ve done. You had your chance to fix things, to make things right, and you’ve turned your back on all of them. The world is done giving you second chances, and so am I.”

               “Because of the pilot,” Kylo murmurs to himself, and you can feel the jealousy ebbing off of him in tiny little ripples. You close your eyes and try to refocus yourself, try to put up your shield to prevent you from experiencing it full blast.

               “Don’t bring him into this,” you mutter under your breath as you open your eyes again.

               “I wonder,” Kylo turns to you suddenly, tilting his head to one side. “You talk about how many people _I’ve_ killed, but how many people do you think your pilot killed when he destroyed the Starkiller Base and sent the planet into collapse?”

               The corner of your upper lip pulls into a snarl. You had never really thought about it that way before. Poe always seemed intent on doing good, on saving people, it almost hadn’t occurred to you that he had to kill some in order to save many. “It’s a war,” you tell him quietly. “People die on both sides, it’s just the way it goes.” Kylo just shakes his head and laughs at you, and so you decide to change the topic. “Do you want to see Ani?”

               He looks up at your sharply as he stops laughing. “I won’t pretend to be a family,” he tells you firmly.

               “You wouldn’t have to pretend,” you snap. “Ani doesn’t know what you’ve done. He knows you did bad things, but that’s all he knows. He wants to see you; he wants to see his father.”

               Kylo turns away from you, and you get a sense that this conversation is over. You shake your head as you turn to go, but you can’t. There’s still one thing Kylo is keeping from you, something he would never tell you even if you asked him. In a rush, you storm towards him and climb onto his lap, pinning his wrists back against the wall behind him. He looks surprised, and you hold him arms down with your elbows as you place your hands on either side of his temples and concentrate. Kylo grunts from beneath you, but he’s weak, you can tell. He’d already had his mind probed by Luke, trying to extract Snoke’s whereabouts from him, and that had not come easily.

               “Show me what I want to see,” you urge. “Let me see it.” You can sense that his mental shield is raised, but you keep pushing, keep trying to get in. He’s weaker than you, and you can see him gritting his teeth as you open your eyes. For some reason, this doesn’t bother you as much as it probably should. He had done this many times, to many people, and it was about time someone let him know just how much it hurt. “Sadie,” you tell him. “Show me Sadie.”

               And suddenly, it’s right there, beneath your fingertips. There’s no audio, but you get quick flashes of Kylo entering Sadie’s father’s shop with a group of Storm Troopers filing in behind him. You can see Sadie’s father yelling something, probably telling her to run, and you watch as Kylo slams him violently against the back wall with the Force. You can see Sadie walk out into the front room and snap something angrily at Kylo, but you can’t read her lips to determine what she’s saying. Instead, you can only watch helplessly as Kylo holds out one hand to drag her up into the air and mind probe her to get your whereabouts. You wait for it, the final blow, but it doesn’t come. When he has what he wants he just simply lets her collapse into a heap on the ground and walks out.

               “I knew you didn’t kill her,” you say, unable to suppress the smirk on your face.

               “Happy?” Kylo asks bitterly, and you can tell that he hates being this weak and defenseless, even in front of you. “You got what you wanted, now-“

               “Not yet,” you say, and Kylo lets out a soft grunt as you push your way back into his mind again. “You know what I want, so show it to me.”

               You’re still not picking up any audio, and the only thing that flashes before your vision is a variety of images, visual memories, but they are going too fast and you can’t get more than a glimpse of any of them. What you can pick up on, however, are the emotions imprinted on each memory, and you let each one crash over you like a wave. Kylo lets out a shuddering breath, and you can suddenly feel how much he missed you. This goes beyond simple longing, it’s almost like there’s an ache in your bones that makes them feel hollow, as if a piece of yourself was actually missing. Was that really what he felt like when he wasn’t with you? You can pick up other things too, his rage, his frustration, but underneath all of that there is a longing for you that you wouldn’t have actually believed if he had told you. No, you had to be in his head, experiencing this firsthand, to really accept that this is what he truly felt, deep down, where he would never have to admit to it.

               Nights were the hardest for him too, you can feel it, nights when he woke up mumbling your name in his sleep as he awoke from another dream that he imagined you in. You can hear him talking to you in his head, wishing you were there, wishing you were there to hold his hand and just offer him one small bit of _focus_. It was true then after all, you really had been keeping him grounded on the Starkiller Base, and you really had been helping him actually stay in control of himself. But when you were no longer there, he felt as though it was almost impossible to stop his rage from taking over.

               _Could the Force bond truly be_ that _powerful?_ You don’t stop to question it as you keep looking through his memories, through his thoughts, how he wanted to see you more than anything, but was afraid that he would be endangering you if he did, and then, when the opportunity arose, he had declined it for fear of letting you see the hideous scar across his face, afraid that you would turn him away when you did. It wasn’t just his physical features that it had burned away, it was his sense of pride, and he knew it would be a constant physical reminder of where he stood in a war that he knew you hated so much.

               And then, just like that, you can hear Snoke, taunting him and his weakness for you, a pathetic girl. You could feel guilt and regret, but it was magnified almost a thousand times over, as he relived murdering his father over and over again until he was determined to bury himself in the darkness once and for all. He knew deep down that you would never, ever forgive him if you ever found out that he had done such an unspeakable thing. He knew that you were too good for him, knew that you would be better off without him. It scorches your heart to feel these thoughts, as if they were your own, but you push through his scattered mess of emotions, push through his desire to completely end these feelings once and for all so he wouldn’t be in pain anymore. He was suffering so badly, but he didn’t know what to do about it. He wanted to come back to you, to come home, but he knew that would mean surrendering Snoke’s influence over him, and he wasn’t strong enough to do that either, and so it felt like he was literally being cut in half between the light side and the dark. He knew that either you or Snoke would have to die in order to stop the struggle, and knowing that he was nowhere near powerful enough to kill Snoke, he knew he would have to kill you, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

               You didn’t know if it was love, he wasn’t really even sure he had the capability to love, but you could feel a pure sense of _want_. He wanted you by his side. He wanted to see Ani. He wanted to be free of the pain he was in, even if that meant being captured by the Resistance. It was like he was a man half-broken on the inside, cracked as much as his Kyber crystal in the lightsaber he carried. He wanted to protect you, wanted to keep you safe, and he would do anything in his power to make that happen. You weren’t sure if it was simply out of his own self-preservation, but you were almost surprised to see that he _liked_ it. He liked being able to feel you, especially as close as you were now, and you knew while he was on this base, with his physical presence so nearby, that you would be exposed to his daily fluctuations of mood almost constantly, if you weren’t strong enough to keep your shields up.

               And then, just like that, you can feel what he felt on the _Resolute_ , the fear that he wouldn’t be able to control himself around you, even though he wasn’t quite sure what that meant. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to kiss you and gather you up in his arms or kill you and cut this dreaded connection once and for all. But as you lay asleep and naked in his arms, vulnerable and completely exposed, he let himself be overwhelmed by your unwavering devotion for him, and he, feeling it as though it was his own, had no choice but to return it, regarding you with sheer adoration. He too had wished that time would stop, that you could just be together in that little room while the wars raged on outside his door. And then, when Snoke had summoned him, you could feel his sense of fear and his regret, overcome by weakness that he had allowed you to convince him to let you stay instead of sending you away for your protection. It was because he was selfish, he knew, wanting you when he knew he could never properly have you.

               And it was that selfishness that almost led to him killing you. He fueled himself with jealousy, not directed at any one person, but the jealousy that accompanied with the realization that he would never get to be with you in the way that he truly wanted. He allowed that anger to course through him as he swung at you without any particular sense of urgency, mentally flipping a coin up and down in his mind but never once glancing at the predictable result. In the end though, once the hilt was pressed up against your stomach and the inevitable moment became a reality, he knew he couldn’t do it, whether it was a weakness or not, he couldn’t go through with it. That notion had become cemented into his mind when you kissed him, forgiving him for what would truly have become the ultimate sin. If living with his father’s blood on his hands was intolerable, he knew that, should he kill you, it would unquestionably lead to his end as well.

               A part of you knew that he would never have been able to live with himself if he had killed you, but it was another thing to experience it from his perspective, to experience it through his own emotions. You pull your hands off of his temples, slowly, your bottom lip quivering. Kylo’s glaring at you, but there’s no malice behind his eyes, and again you can only see a pitiful sense of fear. It was suddenly easy to picture his anger, easy to picture him flying off the handle, using a destructive display of rage to disguise the fact that he _cared_ , deeply. You run your fingertips down his chest, feeling the quick pulse of your own heartbeat in your ears. You don’t know what to say to him. You had been physically vulnerable plenty of times, but it was finally as if you knew who Kylo Ren was. Ben Solo would forever be an enigma, a mystery to you, but this was Kylo Ren, the man who allowed himself to be influenced by unfortunate extremes.

               You still don’t know what to say. Truly, there weren’t words to describe how much pity you had in your heart for him, despite all the terrible things that he had done, you couldn’t help but pity him. You could still feel his pain, a hollow numbness in the center of his chest, as if he was physically missing a part of himself that other people took for granted. He meant what he said. He was being torn apart, physically, and there was nothing you could do to help him. If anything, you were the one thing that was holding him back from going over the edge and surrendering himself to the darkness. You didn’t ask for it. You didn’t ask for yourself to be responsible for him, and yet, you were bound to him nonetheless, the same way he was bound to you.

               You don’t say anything. Instead, you just reach forward and put your hands firmly on both cheeks, ignoring the rough pink scar underneath your palm as you pull his lips towards yours and kiss him with all the force and passion you can muster. He hesitates, but only for a brief moment, before he wraps his arms around you and pulls you into him. You don’t know if there are hidden security cameras in this room, you hadn’t seen any, but at this point, you didn’t even care. You fist both of your hands in his hair as you kiss him as hard as you can, pushing all of your strength and your devotion for him into this one physical gesture to prove once and for all that you cared about him as deeply as he cared about you, and-

               It was too much. Suddenly it was all too much, and you can hear Kylo’s hungry growl of lust from beneath you, wanting more, wanting to taste your skin under his lips, and that’s when you know you can’t, because you _can’t_. Despite the Force bond, despite what you felt for each other, this wasn’t going to work out. There would be no happy endings here, and Poe was right upstairs, perfect Poe with his simple, uncomplicated, sweet nature, who had fallen for you because of the same light that Kylo was drawn to. If Kylo was being split apart, being drawn to both the light and the dark, then it was almost as if you were being torn apart too, the light and the darkness taking on the physical manifestations of different people. The only difference was that this was nowhere near that extreme.

               Even still, you can’t help yourself. You want Kylo, and now, you’re starting to crave him, and without thinking, you throw yourself off his lap as fast as you can and scramble out the door without looking back, shutting the door firmly behind you. Once outside into the safety of the corridor, you gingerly touch your swollen lips, immediately hating yourself. You shouldn’t have done that. Whenever you were with him, it just seemed so easy to just lose yourself in him, but no, you had decided you weren’t going to do that anymore. There was no happy ending with him, and although you had no idea if you would have a better ending with Poe, that didn’t matter. Poe was just a guy. There would be plenty of other people down the line that you could date if that didn’t work out, but you couldn’t help but feel drawn to Kylo. He wasn’t just a guy, or a person, he was like some deep intangible thing that you needed in your life, or else it was empty without him. Empty and hollow, just like he had felt without you there. At least you had Ani, some little bit of himself to keep you company all these years, as well as your friends. Kylo had been really and truly alone. He had nobody to care for him, no one to offer him even the smallest bit of reassurance.

               You slump against the wall and slide down it as you clamp both palms over your mouth to keep from crying out. You jump slightly as something cold and wet trails over the backs of your fingers, and that’s when you realize that you’re not just crying, but weeping, as tears stream down your flushed cheeks. You’re so focused on the pain that Kylo had been in, was still in, that you didn’t even think to question anything more than that. You didn’t bother to question if what you had seen or felt had all been real, because you knew implicitly that it had been. For all intents and purposes, Kylo had allowed himself to be captured by the Resistance because he wanted to be with you again, because he wanted to see Ani again, and at least getting to spend a short while with you before his eventual death was enough for him. It was a devastating realization, and you allowed yourself to be completely submersed in these feelings as you sat on the floor outside his door and cried.

               It never once occurred to you that it was more than just a little possible that Kylo Ren had allowed himself to completely immerse himself in these feelings to distract everyone from the real reason as to why he had so easily allowed himself to be captured and brought to the Resistance base. These feelings were so strong and overpowering that they were enough to convince anyone who dared look into his mind that they were real, disguising any suspicion of an ulterior motive. For all of his brash displays of rage and aggression, Kylo Ren had at least learned some mastery over his emotions, and it was enough to fool everyone. Even Rey. Even Luke. Even you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What is Kylo planning? Only seven chapters left until we find out. ;) Until tomorrow, cheers!! 
> 
> PS: I started a new weight training regimen yesterday. Daisy Ridley can deadlift 80 kg and I can deadlift.....30 kg. Oh well, everyone's got to start somewhere. Hopefully by the time the next story is done I'll be able to bench a little more with constant practice....keep me accountable, guys!! xD


	32. Chapter 32

               “But I _want to_.”

               Your eyes shoot open. You could have sworn that you had just heard Ani’s voice. You sit up in bed, as quietly as you can, listening intently to the silence that seems to have taken on its own rhythmic beat.

               “But I want to see him, I want to-“

               You’re out of bed in a tenth of a second, throwing open the door to the living room as you peer inside. Ani is standing on the floor, not quite facing towards you, looking up at someone.

               “Who are you talking to, Ani?” you ask quickly, your heart pounding in your chest.

               Ani seems to reluctantly drag his eyes away from the unseen figure as he looks towards you. “He’s my friend.” You gulp as you stare into the nothingness where Ani was looking, feeling every hair on your body stand on end. Ani seems to notice your reaction. “It’s okay; he says you don’t have to be afraid.”

               That had the opposite effect than was intended. “If you’re here, show yourself to me,” you growl at the empty space. “Don’t come after my son.”

               “He says he would, but he doesn’t think you’re willing to listen,” Ani says as he turns back to the open air in front of him. He pauses for a moment, as if he’s listening, before he emits a childish giggle. You watch the whole scene unfold in front of you, goosebumps prickling your arms. _This whole thing was super fucking creepy._

“Does this person have a name, Ani?” you ask quietly.

               Ani looks back up at the person and then back at you. “He says it’s a name you have heard before.”

               “Is it Snoke?” you ask, ready to fight the intangible air itself.

               “He says he’s a friend,” Ani repeats, looking back and forth between you and the invisible being. There’s a moment of silence before he turns back to you, and seemingly by his own decision, he tells you in a hushed voice, “It’s not Snoke.”

               “Who is it, Ani?” you say, dropping to your knees beside him as you smooth his hair back.

               “Who?” Ani asks, but he’s not talking to you. He tilts his head to the side, as if he’s confused. “My _great_ -grandfather?”

               “Who are you?” you shout as you whirl around. Only silence answers you, but you can’t help yourself as you wrap your arms protectively around Ani. He was talking to someone; someone was there, someone you couldn’t see. Someone who you knew was probably dead.

               “What’s going on?” Ladson mumbles sleepily as he walks into the doorway. You ignore him as you put your hands on either side of Ani’s head, closing your eyes. It only takes you a split second for you to open them again, and you quickly release him as you take a deep breath in. _No._ No, you could not mind probe your own _child_. What was happening to you?

               “Tell me his name, Ani.” You want to sound firm, but instead, your voice comes out almost vicious.

               “Ben,” Ani yells in your face, clearly upset by your reaction. “His name is Ben.”

               “And what does he look like?” you ask quickly, your eyes searching his face as you wait for him to answer.

               “An old man,” Ani responds. You sit there, stunned, and Ani turns on his heel and storms back into his bedroom. You can hear the creak of the bed as he throws himself into it, and Ladson looks back at you wearily.

               “Ben,” he repeats. “Didn’t you say that-“

               “Not Kylo,” you say, shaking your head. “Go back to bed, it’s too early to be up, I’ll figure this out later.” Ladson just holds up his hands in surrender as he turns around and goes back inside, and you crawl back into your own bed, pulling the covers up to your chin.

               “Ben,” you say quietly as your eyes dart around the room. “Hey, Ben, if you’re there, please talk to me? Why are you talking to Ani? Is he in danger? Is something going to happen?” You wait, but nothing happens. Nothing in the room changes, nothing stirs. You don’t hear anything. You don’t feel anything. For all intents and purposes, you were basically talking to yourself, although as you slowly settled yourself back down into the pillows, you couldn’t shake the feeling that you were being watched, although how much came from your fearful imagination, you couldn’t say.

               As you close your eyes, you let Leia’s voice drift back to you as you replay the memory. _My brother, Luke, he named him after his old Jedi Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi, but he knew him as Ben._

               The way Leia had said it, it sounded like Obi-Wan had passed away some time ago. If that was the case, why was the ghost of her brother’s Jedi Master coming to talk to Ani in his sleep? You try to think back to what Ani was saying when you first woke up. He said he wanted to see _him_ , but who was he talking about? Kylo? Or his great-grandfather? The whole thing made your blood run cold. You had enough to worry about when it was just Kylo, but the dead spirits of his family haunting your son in his sleep? That was where you drew the line.

               You couldn’t get to sleep again, not after that. You sit up in bed and start to get dressed, your eyes sweeping over to your dresser as you see the hilt of Kylo’s lightsaber sitting next to yours. _How did that get there?_ You had passed out with it attached to your belt, and so you could only assume it had gotten wrapped up with your clothes, which they gave to Ladson, who must have put it there. You weren’t quite sure what to do with it, so you decided to just leave it be for the time being. It wasn’t as though you could really give it back to Kylo, although you weren’t exactly sure you wanted to keep it either. You considered maybe passing it off to Ani when he was of age, but considering the cracked, angry nature of the Kyber crystal, you decided against it. Kylo might have been his father, but their natures were completely different, and besides, you didn’t want him to see you passing off his father’s lightsaber to him as a subtle intimation that he should follow in his father’s footsteps. No, you wanted Ani to be free to make his own decisions, although you were hoping that with a little guidance those decisions wouldn’t include patricide or anything of that nature.

               You creep out of your room and into the deserted hallway, looking down the empty corridor in both directions as you evaluated your options. You could go see Poe in the med bay, but you didn’t exactly want to head back there, and it was still very early in the morning; he was probably asleep right now. You knew someone who probably wouldn’t be though, not after what you had just experienced. You quietly make your way down to Kylo’s room and unlock the door to find him lying on the bed. You don’t say anything as you close the door behind you; you just rub your hands up and down your arms as your eyes meet from across the room.

               “I felt you,” he says quietly after a moment. “Are you all right?”

               “Can I come sleep with you?” you ask pitifully, like a little child. Kylo’s face gives away just the faintest intimation of surprise as he nods his head and extends his arm, and you slip into bed beside him, your body facing his. You press a quick, dutiful kiss against his lips before you hunker down a little on the bed, letting him wrap one arm around you as he tucks your head under his chin. He still has his armor on, but you don’t question it. You could understand why he wouldn’t exactly want to strip down in here, even while he was sleeping. “I’m sorry you’re in here,” you say quietly, against his chest.

               Kylo lets out a small snort. “I didn’t expect to see you back here so soon.”

               You just pout against his chest. “Apparently I’m just as weak as you are.” He just smiles as he kisses the top of your head, and you relax into him. It was impossible to worry about _anything_ when you were wrapped up in his arms. He adjusts one hand so that he can stroke the top of your head, and you let yourself give in to the pleasurable sensation. You purr and arch your back as he continues to stroke you, and that’s when you feel him reaching into the waistband of your pants. “Kylo-“

               “Shhh,” he whispers, and you turn to the side so that you can just barely capture his lips with yours as he thrusts two fingers inside of you. You moan as you push your body against his, relishing the sensation of his hand rubbing your head and the quick, steady rhythm of his fingers inside of you.

               “Why?” you moan out, as you thrust your hips in small circles against his hand.

               “Because you need this.” He moves his lips against yours, deepening the kiss, and you feel yourself being drawn into him again. You weren’t really sure why he was doing this, but it felt too good to argue with. Maybe that was his goal. Maybe he wanted to get you into a position where you would do absolutely anything for him. If that was the case, he was already trying too hard, not that you had any plans to stop him.

               “Let me feel you,” you breathe against his lips as you reach your fingertips up to stroke his cheek. Kylo just smiles down at you and shakes his head as you pant against him, squirming with need. He laughs as you throw yourself against his hands, desperate for him to go faster, desperate to find your release. Instead, he just moves his hand into a better position to circle your clit with his thumb, and your eyelids flutter as you groan against his lips. Kylo seems content to watch you with quiet amusement as you slowly become undone around his fingers, losing yourself to him once again.

               “Don’t stop, don’t stop.” You scrunch your eyes tight as you grab a fistful of his shirt and bury your face in his chest as you finally come around his fingers. You whimper against him as he keeps up his steady rhythm, determined to keep you going for as long as possible. With his fingers still inside you, he scoots down a little ways on the bed to kiss your neck, but as soon as his lips grace your tender skin, you pull away from him.

               “I know what you’re trying to do,” you say, but you can’t conceal the grin on your face. “No hickeys.”

               Kylo just smirks as he runs his tongue against your jawline and you thrust your hips against his hand for a final time as he removes his fingers, gently licking them clean with his tongue. You bite your lip as you watch him, and he never once breaks eye contact with you as he licks your juices clean. You feel deliciously lightheaded as he takes you back into his arms, his long fingers gently running along the curve of your neck to your chin, and then back down again.

               A while goes by as you just lie there with him, taking in the sound of his relaxed breaths. You idly consider that someone may walk in on you two, cuddled together on his bed, but you’re far too comfortable to move, and you realize that with the light side Force lock on the door, the only other person really capable of entering the room to even bring him his food right now is Leia. You had no idea what she would make of you cuddled into him like this, but again, you’re far too cozy and relaxed to care. You run your fingertips over his hand, just playing with his fingers, when you suddenly roll over to look at him.

               “Did you just do that so I’ll come visit you more often?” you ask him teasingly.

               “Maybe I just like pleasing you.” Kylo presses his lips to yours again, and while you embrace it, you can’t help but feel like there’s something else that he’s not telling you.

               “Talk to me,” you press, rubbing your nose against his.

               Kylo just smiles and doesn’t pull away, so you can feel his hot breath on your face as he speaks. “Remember when I told you that I would do anything for you?” Being this close to him is intoxicating, and you just nod your head in a series of short, quick nods. “Do you feel the same?”

               You let out a small laugh as you slide up onto your elbow, cupping your cheek in one hand. “What do you mean?”

               “Would you do anything for me?” Kylo asks, and you know where this is headed by that familiar gleam in his eye. You want to roll away from him on the bed, but it’s so small that you’d only be rolling onto the floor, and you still want to stay close to him, so you stay put.

               “That depends what you want me to do,” you say softly, before you look back up at him. “Do you want to see Ani?”

               “That’s part of it.” He cups your other cheek in his hand as he runs his thumb against your lower lip, and you can’t help but let your eyes slip closed as you savor the sensation. “I feel you,” he continues softly. “I know what you want. You want to help me escape. You want to take me and Ani and fly off somewhere, to some distant, hidden planet in the corner of the galaxy until this war is over.” Your eyes jerk open, and he seems displeased to see the tempered look on your face.

               “It doesn’t matter,” he adds hastily. “The war will never end and I will always be hunted, especially with this conspicuous scar, I’ll be noticed anywhere I go. Your dream is foolish.”

               “Mind tricks won’t work on me,” you say sullenly. “You know I want to be with you, but I can’t help you escape, you know I can’t.” He just sighs as he sits up, and you scoot yourself into a seated position behind him. “And the war _will_ end, and it will end soon. I believe your uncle has already gone to take out Snoke. He’ll be dead soon, and with Hux cornered, the whole First Order will come crashing down without them.”

               You can’t help but gloat as you say this, but Kylo visibly blanches.

               “I would have thought you’d be happy,” you continue. “With Snoke gone, you don’t have to be torn apart anymore. No more struggle with the darkness. You can come back to the light side.”

               “I can _never_ align myself with the light,” Kylo snarls at you, and you roll your eyes as you crawl towards him. He’s sitting off the end of the bed, and you join him, taking one of his large hands in both of yours.

               “I know you _think_ you can’t,” you tell him as cheerily as you can, “but it’s not a weakness like you think it is. It can be a strength. I know you think it’s a weakness, because of me, but I think the darkness is a weakness because of you, so it kind of all balances out.”

               “I resisted the call to the light long before I met you,” Kylo replies sullenly, but he no longer seems as angry as you rest your head against his shoulder.

               “I know,” you reply flatly. “Believe me, I’ve heard all about the terrible things you’ve done.” You take a deep breath in and let it out. “I saw inside Rey’s head. I saw how you terrorized her, and I felt her fear firsthand.”

               Kylo just shrugs his shoulders, as if he couldn’t care less. “And do you expect me to apologize?”

               “No,” you tell him, because honestly, you don’t. “But I do expect you to feel bad about it, at least a little bit.” Kylo’s face remains impassive, and you brush up against him lightly. “I mean, I know you. You hurt people if they’re in your way, so you can get things done, but you would never hurt someone for just the sake of causing them pain, right?”

               Kylo raises an eyebrow as he turns to look at you. “Is that what you need me to say? Will it help make things easier for you?” You open your mouth to speak, but he keeps going. “Or would you prefer to invade my thoughts again, so you can see each and every atrocity I committed firsthand? Then you can feel what I felt as I terrorized your friend, as I murdered scores of defenseless people, as I killed my father-“ You jump off the bed and spin around to face him, your eyes burning with malice.

               “I looked into your mind-“ you start.

               “And you saw what you wanted to see,” he tells you. “You wanted to see the part of me that cared for you, to know that it was real. And it is.”

               You stare him down, not quite knowing what to say. “Did you really not feel anything while you hurt those people, while you tortured them?” He says nothing, only leans forward as he tries to take your hand, but you jerk your hand away as the corner of Kylo’s mouth twitches. “How can I be with you?” you ask him suddenly. “I can attribute at least some of it to Snoke’s influence, but how can I be with you if you can hurt people without feeling the slightest bit of remorse?”

               “Because I care about you,” he says firmly, and you blink in surprise. “Because I care about you so much that I would do anything, absolutely anything, to protect you.”

               “So you would kill someone if they looked at me the wrong way?” you ask him, and Kylo merely shrugs. “Then that’s not because you care about me, that’s because you see me as yours, and that’s gross. I’m not a, a possession that you can push around and control.”

               “Do you think I can control you?” Kylo asks, and you can tell this is a serious question, that he is really asking. “Tell me, do you think I could truly force you to do something that you didn’t want to do?”

               “No,” you murmur petulantly. “That’s why you have other ways to manipulate me, like getting in my pants to make me more amenable before asking me to help you escape.” Kylo smirks as he looks away, shaking his head.

               “Are you so inclined to believe the two were connected?” he asks, and you bite your lip as you stare at him.

               “Do you think you are a bad person?” you ask at length.

               “Most would say that I am,” Kylo replies, without even a moment of hesitation.

               “Then I shouldn’t be with you,” you say, just as quickly. “Then I shouldn’t let you near Ani and you should know that I’m better off away from you.”

               “You know what I want,” Kylo says quietly. “I’m not going to make this choice for you.”

               “I don’t get to make a choice,” you argue. “That was taken from me. You took that away from me.”

               “How could I-?”

               “Because of what you did,” you exclaim. “Because of what you’ve done. I can’t decide if I really want to be with you or not, because you’re a prisoner here. It’s not like you’re walking around out there with the rest of your life ahead of you. This isn’t just something I can decide to forgive you for. You made bad decisions, and now you have to accept the consequences, even though it constantly feels like I’m the one who is getting the worst of everything. All I have ever wanted for the past few years is to just be with you, to be a family with Ani, and yet you couldn’t give me that one simple thing. You chose the First Order over me, and now I’m probably going to have to watch them put you down. How am I supposed to deal with that?”

               Kylo glances away from you for a moment before he looks at you again, really looks at you. “I don’t regret what I’ve done, the things I had to do. With everything that you know and everything that you’ve seen and felt, if the situation was different, if I wasn’t a prisoner here, would you still choose to be with me?”

               You close your eyes. “That doesn’t matter. You _are_ a prisoner here, and I can’t change that.”

               “But if I wasn’t,” Kylo insists. He shifts on the bed and you open your eyes again as you meet his dark eyes. You don’t know what to say. This had been a question you had asked yourself many times, but you had never really come to a firm answer, probably because you knew you didn’t have to. Before, you had the luxury of telling yourself that you would think about it more later, when you wouldn’t have to answer to anyone. But now he was demanding an answer, and you knew he would accept nothing less than the truth from you.

               “I don’t have a choice,” you repeat. “The Force bond-“

               “Getting involved with me was your choice,” he begins.

               “No it wasn’t,” you argue. “I chose to sleep with you, but I didn’t really know what was happening until it was already too late. You knew I didn’t know anything about the Force. If anything, you should have explained-“

               “Did you think I knew that was going to happen?” Kylo demands. “Did you think I knew that I was going to be bound to you for the rest of my life?”

               “Would you have?” you ask quietly. “Would you have gone through with it, if you knew that this would have happened?” Kylo drops his gaze and doesn’t answer.

               “See?” you tell him. “You expect an answer from me, but when someone asks you the hard questions, then suddenly-“

               “I would have.” He scrunches his eyes closed, suddenly, as if it’s almost painful to admit to, before he looks at you again. “Do you want me to say it again?”

               You can feel your heartbeat pounding in your ears as you close your eyes again, mentally willing yourself to be anywhere but here. Suddenly you feel his hand take one of yours, and you immediately intertwine your fingers together and press the back of his fingers to your lips, finding solace in the smallest of gestures. “What would it say about me if I did?” you ask quietly, still not looking at him. “What would it say about me if I still wanted to be with a person who could kill so indiscriminately without remorse?”

               “It doesn’t matter,” Kylo replies, and the sadness in his voice is palpable. “It doesn’t change anything. I’m still here,” he says, as he gestures vaguely to the walls around him.

               “Then why have me answer that?” you demand. “If you know it doesn’t change anything, then why force me to answer that?”

               “Because I want to know,” Kylo replies firmly, and you open your eyes as you pull him onto his feet, pulling him towards you, reaching up to wrap your arms around his neck to kiss him. For some reason, it’s not as comforting as it usually is.

               “For the record,” you say as you pull away. “I love you so much sometimes I feel like it’s completely changed who I am, and I don’t know if I should be afraid of that or not, but it’s true, not that that really matters, anyway. What’s done is done. You never came back for me and Ani. You can’t take back the horrible stuff you’ve done, and we can’t take back the Force bond even if we wanted to.”

               “Would you want to?” Kylo asks, raising his eyebrows in surprise.

               “No,” you say, surprised by how immediate your answer is. “If only for Ani, at least something good got to come out of us being together, but I don’t know if I can be with you for that same reason. How am I supposed to explain to Ani what you’ve done? How can I let you even be near him?”

               “You let him decide,” Kylo tells you. “Let me see him. I felt something this morning; I know he wants to see me.” He lets his voice trail off as he catches the look on your face. “What happened earlier?”

               “Honestly?” you look up at him. “If I told you, and I’m being serious, I think you’d think I had gone completely insane.”

               Kylo looks amused, curious, and a little bit frightened, all at the same time. “Tell me so I can decide for myself.”

               “What’s your name?” you ask him. “The one your mother gave you.”

               His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “She hasn’t told you?”

               “I want to hear it from you,” you say as gently as possible. “What was your name?”

               “My name is Kylo Ren,” he says as firmly as possible, looking you square in the eye. “The son that she gave birth to is long gone.”

               “You are Kylo to me and you always will be,” you assure him, but he only looks perplexed.

               “Then why ask?”

               You take a deep breath in and let it out. “I don’t think I’m ready to talk about that yet, but I will explain everything, soon,” you add hastily. “I need to take care of a few things first, but I will bring Ani by later today so that you can meet him.”

               “Thank you.” He pulls you into his arms again, his hands twisting in your hair, and you can’t help but smile as you take in his touch. He pauses before he pulls away, letting his forehead rest against yours. “I love you.”

               “I love you too,” you reply as you look up at him. “Although it’s probably against my better judgement.” Kylo just smirks and shakes his head as you squeeze his hand one last time before you leave the room.

               As you’re walking away, his question still lingers in your ears. “ _If I wasn’t a prisoner here, would you still choose to be with me?”_ You want to tell yourself that you didn’t know, that the question didn’t even matter anyway because you were never going to be able to make that choice, because he would be a prisoner here and always would be.

               But the truth was you did have an answer. And the truth was you could never say it aloud, not to anyone. You weren’t sure if you could live with yourself if you did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Womp womp. More angst with Kylo and now things are heating up with Ani. To be honest, writing the Force ghosts is super weird, even in the context of the Star Wars universe, I still can't wrap my head around it. xD Only six more days until.....things happen. Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	33. Chapter 33

               “Kylo wants me to help him escape.”

               Leia simply raises her eyebrows as she studies your face. You’re back in the command center, although it is far less busy now that Kylo Ren had been captured and Hux was still cornered on some planet in the Western Reaches. Apparently it was only a matter of time until he ran out of supplies, and Leia was in no hurry to waste resources trying to bring him in by force. You had no idea why she wanted to capture him alive, but that wasn’t really any of your concern. You certainly preferred Hux dead, but if she had a specific form of torture in mind for him, you wouldn’t be opposed to it.

               “Well since you’re telling me, I don’t think you’re going to go through with it,” she says, but you can tell by her expression she’s waiting for you to confirm her assertion.

               “I’m not,” you tell her with a small laugh. “I just-“

               “Did he ask you?” she asks. “Did he try to manipulate you in some way, or-?”

               “He asked me,” you tell her. “Directly.”

               She purses her lips and looks to the side for a moment, as if trying to figure out what that means. “Do you think he’s getting desperate?”

               You tilt your head to the side. “Desperate?” She lets out a sigh and you can feel a chill brush past the nape of your neck. “Why would he be desperate? What’s going to happen to him? I don’t think you’ve said.”

               “Right now, he has a connection to Snoke,” Leia explains. “And we can exploit that connection to find out where Snoke is, but if they’re unable to defeat him and he moves, they’re going to need to come back here so they can trace Ren’s connection to him again.”

               “But once Snoke is taken out?” you ask hesitantly. “What then?”

               “Then,” Leia says with a sigh. “Then Luke is going to siphon off his power so he’s not a threat to anyone anymore, and when the Republic is ready, they will have a trial for him and determine whether he will be imprisoned or, you know.” You do know. She doesn’t have to finish that thought, but that’s not the thing that horrifies you the most. She catches onto the look on your face and suddenly the realization dawns on her. “I’m sorry; I should have told you sooner.”

               “So if Luke siphons his Force power, then we’re not going to be connected through the Force anymore, are we?” you ask. “The Force bond will be destroyed?”

               Leia nods her head and gives you a moment to process this new piece of information. Was that why Kylo had been so quick to pleasure you when you saw him? Was that why he seemed so insistent on you making a decision about whether you would still be with him or not? Did he want to know where your feelings stood before the Force bond was removed? “I’m sorry,” she repeats. “I really should have told you sooner, but with everything-“

               “Does this mean I won’t be in love with him anymore?” you ask quietly, more to yourself than to her. Regardless, she heard it anyway.

               Leia sighs and shakes her head, as if this is not a question she really wants to answer. “If you were in love with him before the bond was in place, then you’ll probably still be in love after. I can’t tell you your feelings will be as strong, but I don’t know.” And then, when you don’t look any better about it, she adds, “The Force bond wouldn’t have developed if he didn’t care about you, and it wouldn’t be this strong if you didn’t care about him in return.”

               “I’m sorry,” you say quickly as you brush your hair out of your face. “I’m sorry, I know I need to deal with this, it’s all just really complicated at the moment.”

               She tilts her head to the side as she looks at you. “Because of Poe?”

               You blanch, and she raises her eyebrows expectantly, like she’s waiting for an answer. “That might be part of it,” you admit reluctantly, and she nods her head as if she’s figured as much.

               “I’m going to tell you something you already know,” she says. “Right now you might feel drawn to him because of the Force bond, and it’s strong now, but that isn’t going to last, and even if it does, there’s no way you two can have a future together. It’s just not going to happen.” She waits for your reaction, and you just sullenly nod your head. “You two can love each other,” she continues. “That’s fine, you can’t help who you’re in love with, but you can’t afford to be romantic. You have a child to think about, and he’s never going to have a real relationship with his father. I know you want him to have one, but that doesn’t mean you should keep living in the past and holding onto what could have been.”

               “Yeah,” you say quietly. This isn’t exactly new information, but it still hurts to hear it out loud, especially from a clearly objective perspective.

               “He was your first real love, wasn’t he?” Leia asks, and you just bite your lip and nod your head slowly, trying to keep the tears from flowing. “I know how intense that can seem, but your first love doesn’t have to be your last. I know it probably feels right when you’re with him, like the world suddenly just clicks into place, but that feeling won’t last forever. He’s going to eventually be sent off to the Republic to answer for what he did, and you’re going to stay here, with Ani.” She smiles softly. “And whoever else you want to stay here with.”

               You just nod your head up and down. Kylo was her son, so that was one thing, but you were in no way going to talk to her about your feelings for Poe. That was something you still didn’t quite understand yourself, and so you weren’t going to say anything until you had figured everything out. Besides, how were you really supposed to approach that discussion anyway? You had first been involved with her son, had a child with him, and then you had fallen in with the Commander of her aerial squadron? The situation was complicated enough, and besides, you didn’t want to give her the chance to potentially feed you that age old platitude: maybe it was just better if you were with nobody for a while. You had been with nobody for the past five years waiting for Kylo to return, and you missed having that human connection. You missed snuggling up to someone at night. You missed the kisses and the hugs and the impractical concern over your well-being. That was something you had already figured out for yourself, but you didn’t have any need to explain that to her.

               “By the way,” you say, trying to derail the topic of conversation off of your love life. “I caught Ani talking to someone this morning.” Leia’s eyes widen as she waits for you to continue. “He said he was talking to an old man named Ben. Ring any bells?”

               Leia’s jaw drops in shock, and you give her a few moments to recover. “He’s talking to Ben?” she asks, as if she can’t believe it herself.

               “That’s what he said,” you tell her. “Have you ever met him?”

               “No,” Leia says, shaking her head. “He was killed by Darth Vader when Luke and Han came to rescue me.” You don’t bother asking her from what. That was so far in the past you could hardly see how it mattered now, especially when Han was dead. That was a memory you weren’t sure if she wanted to relive. “I know Luke saw him several times over the years during the course of his training-“

               “Even though he was dead?” you ask suspiciously, and Leia nods her head. “How is that even possible?”

               “Luke can explain it better than I can,” Leia sighs. “But their collective consciousness is preserved in the Force in some way.”

               “But how would Ani even know who he is?” you ask. “If you’ve never even met him, I know Ani definitely hasn’t.”

               “Luke went by to see him after you left,” she explains. “I don’t know what they talked about, I wasn’t there, but he was trying to determine how much of the Force Ani had, to see if he was worth training.”

               “And?” you ask cautiously. “Did he decide to train him?”

               “I don’t know,” she says, shaking her head. “He said he had a lot to think about. You have to understand, he went into seclusion for years, and after what Ben did-“

               “You don’t have to explain,” you say quickly. You could clearly see why Luke would have reservations about training Kylo Ren’s son after all the trouble that Kylo himself had caused. “All I want to know is why my son started having visions of dead people after your brother went to visit him.”

               “To provide guidance?” Leia offers. “I’m sorry I can’t provide more answers, but Luke probably can, when he returns.” You bite your lip as you start to turn away, but Leia isn’t done yet. “What did he say, exactly?”

               “He said he wanted to see him,” you explain. “I don’t know who _he_ is though. At first I thought he was talking about Kylo, but he also mentioned his great-grandfather.” A haunted look crosses over Leia’s face, and you drop your eyes to the floor. “He’s talking about Anakin, right? Kylo’s grandfather, your father, the person he was named for?”

               Leia just shakes her head like this is too much for her, and you have to agree with her on that sentiment. You had enough to worry about in the here and now, without drawing ghosts from the past into your everyday affairs. How were you supposed to protect your son from something that you couldn’t even see, let alone control? If Ani’s dreams were spilling out into real life, how were you supposed to stop him from dreaming? Force him to stop sleeping? You knew that wouldn’t work.

               “I don’t know,” Leia admits. “Luke has never told me he’s seen him, but I guess it _is_ possible.”

               “But do I have anything to fear from him?” you ask. “I mean, you said he was a Sith Lord-“

               “He sacrificed his life to save Luke,” she explains. “At the very end, I think he came back to the light, even after everything he had done.” Your brow furrows as you listen, really listen, to what she’s saying.

               “That’s why you have hope Ben will come back,” you say softly. “Because he idolized him so much, and at the very end, despite everything he had done in his past, he still came back to the light.”

               “Han used to say he had too much Vader in him,” Leia says with a soft chuckle. “But I don’t know, Ben is his own person.”

               “I don’t know,” you say softly as you rub your temple with the heel of your palm. “Right now I can’t worry about him. I have to worry about Ani.” Leia offers you a sympathetic smile. “What do I do about the ghosts he’s seeing? Should I try to train him in the Force, try to help him put up a mental wall?”

               “No,” Leia says firmly. “No, if he’s seeing them, it’s for a reason, especially Ben Kenobi. He was an exceptional Jedi; he would not let Ani come to any harm.”

               “I hope not,” you say with a sigh as you brush your hair over your left shoulder. “Look, I was thinking about bringing him to see Kylo today. He really wants to see Ani, Ani really wants to see him, so I don’t feel like it’s my place to really keep them apart.”

               “Then don’t,” Leia replies simply. “He should meet his father, at least once.” You drop your eyes when you realize that, considering her father was a Sith Lord, she probably didn’t have much of a relationship with him either. At least she could relate to Ani in that way. Eventually, he was going to need to talk to someone about why his father hadn’t been there for him growing up, why he wouldn’t be ever again. Sure, you could always fill the father figure role with Ladson or Poe or someone else, but it was never going to make up for the fact that he wasn’t his father. Kylo had chosen the First Order over you and your son, and considering how that was something you were still trying to deal with, you had no idea how Ani would process it. At least Ani hadn’t really known him before. Any memories he had of Kylo were vague childhood impressions, and nothing more. A part of you wanted to keep it that way, but you knew he would just keep searching for answers about his father if you withheld them from him, much like you had done. No, it was better for him to just meet Kylo and get this whole thing over with, and you could deal with the aftermath from there.

               “I’ll bring him by today,” you tell her. “I’ll see how Ani feels about it, and if he still wants to go, then I’ll bring him today, if you want to stop by.” You force a smile to your face. “Have a little family gathering, at least once.”

               “I have some things to do here,” Leia says. “But I’ll try to make it down there. You don’t need to wait up for me.”

               “Okay,” you tell her. “Then, uh, wish us luck.” You turn around awkwardly, and she just lets out a brief snort of laughter from behind you. In truth, you didn’t really need to ask for luck. People who were strong in the Force were already naturally predisposed to be lucky, and if you put four Force sensitive people in a room together, there would probably be a conglomeration of luck, unless some of the parties there had opposing interests, in which case, would everybody’s luck cancel each other’s out, or would-?

               You turn a corner sharply and almost crash straight into Poe. You eye him up and down, your previous thoughts about how Force sensitive people were naturally lucky quickly slipping from your mind. You were about to take Ani to see Kylo. Wouldn’t you running into him right at this moment be considered unlucky?

               Before you have time to react, Poe swoops in and places a quick peck against your lips, and you blink and let it happen. He pulls away just as quickly, chuckling at your reddening face. “Something wrong?”

               “No,” you say quickly, although there’s a pressure on your chest that makes it difficult to talk. “I just didn’t realize we were on the kiss upon greeting stage, I guess.”

               Poe looks down, quite clearly embarrassed. “Sorry, we don’t-“

               You can’t risk things getting awkward with Poe, you just can’t, and so you quickly reach up and put your hands on either side of his face as you pull him in for a long, lingering kiss. “It’s fine,” you assure him breathlessly as you pull away, and he just cracks his signature grin. “So are you all healed up?” you ask quickly, hoping that any aftertaste of Kylo had since worn off.

               “All healed up,” Poe confirms, and you intertwine your fingers with his as you walk through the hallway together. “I was just about to stop by your place, to check on how you and Ani were doing.”

               “I was just about to head that way myself,” you tell him. You bite your lip and look away, not sure how much to tell him. Did he really need to know that Ani was talking to Luke’s old Jedi master? Or Leia’s father? Would he think you were nuts if you told him, or did he believe that the Force was capable of that too? You know that he already knew that Ani was talking to someone, but you decide it’s better just not to say anything until he asks. Although…

               “I was going to see if Ani wants to meet his father,” you blurt out suddenly, and Poe raises an eyebrow as he turns to you.

               “Yeah?” he asks. “Does he want to?”

               “They both want to see each other,” you say with a sigh. “So I don’t think I can really keep them apart. Even Leia thinks that they should meet at least once, so I guess this is happening.”

               “Do you want me there?” Poe asks, but you can’t help but laugh as you shake your head.

               “You really think that Kylo Ren is going to attack his own son?” you ask incredulously. “I mean, I know what he’s done, but he’s not going to hurt him, especially not with me there. He knows I’d kill him.”

               “I meant for moral support,” Poe offers, giving your hand a firm squeeze of reassurance.     

               “Oh,” you say softly. “Yeah, maybe, uh, yeah, that would be nice.” Poe just gives your hand another reassuring squeeze as you walk down the corridor, but you can’t help but quell the sense of panic rising in your chest. You didn’t want to tell him no, you didn’t want him to question what you had done with Kylo during your other brief visits with him, but at the same time, you didn’t want Poe there during the first time Ani went to meet his father. It just didn’t feel right.

               Hopefully the Force really was with you, because you could use a little luck right about now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a shorter chapter today to make up for a longer chapter tomorrow where Ani and Kylo officially "meet" for the first time, considering Ani was only a baby the last time they saw each other. I'd tell you guys not to be nervous, but I have a feeling you won't believe me anyway, so this is just me, not saying anything. ;) Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	34. Chapter 34

               You can hear the screaming coming from inside as you approach your doorway, and you slump against the opposite wall, staring down the door as you rub the fingertips of your free hand into your temple. Poe just rubs his thumb over the back of your hand in slow, deliberate circles, and you couldn’t help but find the gesture soothing. Your eyes shoot him a quick look of apology, but he just shakes his head. “Come on,” he urges. “Let’s go see what’s wrong.”

               With a heavy sigh, you urge yourself up and off the wall, scanning your keycard over the reader as you open with the door with a faint click. Ani is sitting on the chair inside, his face red and his cheeks stained with the trails from his tears. “I tried talking to him,” Ladson explains, and you’re thankful that Ani seems to have quieted down upon seeing you. “But he’s not listening. I keep telling him that-“

               “He _is_ real,” Ani screams, and you can feel your blood literally stop moving in your veins for a moment as he screeches. “He _IS REAL. BEN IS REAL._ ”

               “He’s real, Ladson,” you say quietly, and Ani’s cries abruptly come to a halt.

               “You’re saying he can see the people in his dreams?” Ladson asks you. “In real life? And talk to them?” He shakes his head. “It’s just an imaginary friend, he’s a kid, he-“

               “You ever heard of Obi-Wan Kenobi?” you ask, turning to Poe. You can’t help but see Ani’s face flash with recognition as he hears the name. “You know, Ben Kenobi?”

               “Luke’s old teacher?” Poe asks, although he’s clearly confused by the whole situation.

               “He’s my friend,” Ani tells him proudly, before he turns to give Ladson a pointed glare. Poe looks to you for explanation, but you just shake your head. _Not now._

               “Why don’t you get some food?” you ask, turning to Ladson. “I’m going to take Ani down to see his father.”

               “Dad?” Ani asks excitedly, and Ladson looks suspiciously between you and Poe.

               “Sure you don’t want me to come with?” he asks. You can hear the sincerity in his voice, but for some reason, this rubs you the wrong way. You don’t even want Poe there, and suddenly you’re going to have a room full of people that Kylo didn’t like barge in on him while he was clearly in a vulnerable position?

               “Room’s not that big,” you say, trying to avoid snapping at him. “Just go get some food, it’ll be fine. I’ll meet you back here later.”

               He raises his eyebrows at you and gently tilts his middle finger forward towards his palm as he places it on his chin and thrusts it outwards. _Good luck._

               “Thanks,” you murmur as he makes his way past you, and you scoot down on the floor to sit just below Ani. “Hey Ani, do you want to meet your dad?”

               “You mean it?” Ani asks, and his eyes are alive with boyish excitement as he wipes his face with the back of his sleeve.

               “He wants to see you,” you tell him, and Ani looks excited for another moment before his face drops.

               “Is-is he scary?” Ani asks slowly, looking down at you. “I don’t want him to be scary.”

               “He’s not scary,” you say, shaking your head. “No, he’s, uh, he’s just, uh-“

               “Shy,” Poe offers, and you nod your head enthusiastically.

               “He’s just shy,” you echo. “And he’s really nervous about meeting you.”

               “About meeting me?” Ani asks as he tilts his head to the side.

               “He wants you to like him,” you tell him as you take your hand in his and help him hop off the chair.

               “He’s my dad,” Ani says, looking up at you. “Of course I’ll like him.” You just close your eyes as you smile, letting Ani’s childish sense of innocence sink in. Sometimes you couldn’t stand the kid, but other times, such as this, he was so cute that you could hardly stand it. “Do you like him?”

               Your eyes fly open and you glance nervously at Poe, who just raises his eyebrows and says nothing. “He’s your dad, of course I like him,” you tell him. “He gave me you.”

               “But do you still like him?” Ani presses. “Now?”

               You don’t know how to answer that, but you fix your face as levelly as possible as you look down at him. “He’s your dad, of course I do.” You glance up at Poe and shoot him a quick look of apology, but he just shakes his head.

               “Come on, kiddo,” he says to Ani as Ani grabs you by the hand and pulls you out into the hall.

               “Why is he coming?” Ani asks as Poe follows along behind you. “Is he going to meet dad too?”

               “I’m just tagging along for moral support,” Poe says good-naturedly, and you look back and shoot a tight-lipped smile in his direction as you lead Ani through the halls. It’s almost uncanny how Ani seems to know where you’re going, his body turning to take certain corners before you’re about to take them, and you almost wonder if he can sense Kylo’s presence getting closer as well as you can. You had never known about your Force abilities as a child, or even as a young adult, but had you had them all this time? Had they been helping you make good, practical decisions and helping you stay out of danger without realizing it? You had always chalked it up to having a stellar intuition, but maybe it was more than that.

               As you near Kylo’s door, you turn around to face Poe. “So you’re just going to wait out here then? You know you don’t have to.”

               “I’ll be here in case you need me,” he tells you, and there’s more you want to say to him, but you can’t, not with Ani here.

               “I appreciate it,” you say succinctly, and you close your eyes and focus as you let the door slide open. You step inside the little entranceway and Ani gives your hand an extra tight squeeze, as if he’s nervous. You want to tell him that he shouldn’t be, but then again, you can only imagine the things he’s heard about Kylo Ren, not just from the people on base, but also from the ghosts living in the Force.

               You open the second door to see Kylo sitting on his bed, resting with his head back against the wall. His eyes trail to you, and immediately drop down to the little version of himself at your side. You had kept his dark hair short, but he still had Kylo’s brooding dark eyes, and you could see Kylo studying every inch of him, his eyes running across Ani’s face as he saw the face of his son for the first time.

               You bite your lip as you look down at Ani, who has taken a step behind you as he looks out at Kylo. You knew he was tall, but you could only imagine how tall he looked compared to little tiny Ani. “Hey,” you say quietly, and you put your hand behind his back to urge him forward. “This is your dad.”

               Ani stays stock still, studying him, and you don’t know what he sees when he looks at him. His face is unreadable, and when you turn back to Kylo, it’s almost eerie to see the same impassive expression reflected in his own face. “Well, don’t everyone talk at once,” you sigh, but the silence stretches on, all previous traces of Ani’s excitement completely gone.

               Neither Ani nor Kylo seem willing to say anything, and idly you wonder if they’re communicating by thought alone. You knew that you were able to do that with Kylo when you focused, but did Ani already have that sort of capability? Or was it simply because he was Kylo Ren’s son? Was there some genetic bond that helped them to communicate easily? Was it because Kylo’s blood was running in his veins, or was this something else he had acquired on his own, like speaking to the ghosts in Kylo’s family’s past? You had to face it; although you knew that nothing with Kylo Ren had been or ever would be simple, this seemed to be taking things to a whole new level.

               “Hi,” Ani says softly, after what feels like an eternity. “My name’s Ani.”

               “I know.” Kylo’s mouth twitches into the semblance of a smile as he appraises his son. “I’m the one that named you.”

               “You named me Anakin,” Ani says as he shakes his head back and forth. “My name’s Ani.” Kylo’s eyes shift back to you, but you don’t have anything to say to that. You had seen Ani be playful and childish, and sometimes thoughtful, but this was a level of boldness that you had not quite seen from him before. Was he maturing faster than you could keep up with, or did this too have something to do with the spirits that he was seeing?

               “What have you told him about me?” Kylo asks you.

               “Not much,” Ani replies before you can answer, and you look down at him in surprise. _What the hell had gotten into him?_ “But I know you did lots of bad stuff. You hurt people.”

               At this point in time, you could have easily run screaming from the room without looking back, but your feet stayed still, frozen in place. “He hears things around the base,” you explain quickly.

               Kylo leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees as he settles his gaze on Ani. “What have you heard about me?”

               “You killed your dad,” Ani says, and you physically have to turn away. You had never told Ani about that, you had no idea how you were going to tell Ani about that, and yet somehow he had picked up that information from someone. The real question was, had he learned that from someone on this base, or had Ben told him? Or, the better question, why had you not known about this? Weren’t you supposed to be his mother? Weren’t you supposed to be watching him and protecting him? How did you not know that he knew about Kylo’s most heinous act?

               Kylo, to his credit, looks completely undisturbed by this truthful accusation. “I did,” he admits. “At the time I thought I was doing the right thing.”

               Ani looks to the side, as if he’s looking at someone else in the room, and Kylo raises an eyebrow as he looks at you. Ani hesitates for a moment, and then looks back at him. “No you didn’t.”

               You rub the bridge of your nose with both hands. This isn’t exactly how you expected your first meeting with them to go, but then again, you weren’t quite sure how you had expected it to go. Did you honestly expect Ani to climb up on his lap? Were there supposed to be hugs and smiles? No, you knew you should be grateful for any sort of verbal communication at all, but you couldn’t help the fact that Ani just seemed, for lack of a better word, different. He seemed more mature than you had remembered, like he was growing up without your conscious recognition of it. Was he inheriting your boldness, or Kylo’s snark, or some stellar combination of the two?

               “Have you begun Force training yet?” Kylo asks him, completely changing the line of inquiry.

               “Not yet,” Ani says. “Luke doesn’t want to make the same mistake he made with you.”

               “Ani,” you scold harshly, and Ani looks down and away.

               “Did he tell you about that?” Kylo asks, and his voice is lower than you’ve ever heard it. “Did he tell you what I’ve done?”

               Ani is quiet as he looks away, and you can feel Kylo’s emotions radiating off of him like a heat wave. “Luke’s not trying to turn your own child against you,” you say quickly. “Calm down.”

               “I asked a question.” Kylo’s glaring at you now, like he suddenly suspects that you were the one who had told Ani everything.  

               “He didn’t tell me anything,” Ani says quietly. “They told me all that stuff.”

               “They?” Kylo asks, raising his eyebrows. “The pilot? The scavenger? The traitor?”

               You look down at Ani as he tugs on your pants and shakes his head. “Don’t tell him,” he whispers quietly, although it’s obvious that Kylo can hear him.

               “It’s not them,” you say, looking up at Kylo. “But apparently I can’t say who.”

               “Tell me.” Kylo’s voice is firm, and as he gets to his feet, you can feel Ani brush up against your leg as he steps behind you. You’re not afraid of him, and you didn’t want Ani to be either, but apparently Kylo was completely incapable of realizing the effect he could have, even around his own son.

               “Not if Ani doesn’t feel comfortable,” you say firmly. “Now please sit down, or we’ll leave.”

               Kylo sits down on the bed petulantly, crossing his arms over his chest, and Ani steps out from beside you again. “You can tell him, Ani,” you coax gently. “You can trust him. He’s your dad, remember?”

               “Should I?” Ani asks, but he’s looking straight ahead of him, not looking at anyone in particular. Or maybe he was just talking to someone that you couldn’t see.

               “Is this a game?” Kylo asks at length. “Is this something you-?”

               “They wanted to keep her out of this,” Ani yells at him, and Kylo looks taken aback, like he had just been slapped across the face. “They say you’ve already done enough to her as it is.”

               You drop to his side and sit cross-legged on the floor facing him, brushing the hair out of his face. “Ani, what do they say about me?” you ask softly. “What have they told you?”

               “They say you’re tempted by the dark side,” he says softly. “They say if you do that I shouldn’t be near you, that when the time comes, you won’t be able to protect me.”

               “I’ll protect you no matter what,” you say, wrapping your arms around him. “You come first, Ani, always.” You hear Kylo clear his throat from behind you, but you don’t have time for him right now. Were you really that tempted by the dark side for them to warn Ani about you? You had no idea that the ghosts knew anything about you, but did they know something you didn’t? If they were that attuned to the Force, didn’t they have at least some degree of foresight? But the real question was, whatever they saw, or whatever they told Ani, would it really come to pass? A vision of the future was still just a vision, and the future could still be changed, couldn’t it?

               You slump backwards with your back against the bed, and you don’t pull away as Kylo starts to rub the back of his fingers against your cheek. It’s comforting, but right now you don’t want to be comforted when you had no idea what was going on. “Ani, you can talk to us about what’s going on,” you tell him. “I know I’m gone all day and I was gone recently, but you can talk to me, about anything.”

               Ani just raises his shoulders and drops them. “I didn’t want to get in trouble.”

               “You’re not going to get in trouble,” you say with a light laugh. “How could you get in trouble for something that you can’t control?”

               “I don’t know,” Ani says, the dejection clear on his face. “But Ladson yelled at me. He said they’re not real, that I need to stop.”

               “Ladson doesn’t really have the Force,” you tell him gently. “So he doesn’t understand.”

               You feel Kylo’s hand stiffen on your shoulder, and you can tell that he’s not happy with being kept out of the loop. “How about this,” you say, leaning closer to Ani. “If I promise you that you won’t be in any trouble, will you tell your dad about what’s been going on? He can probably understand it better than I can.” Ani looks between you and Kylo hesitantly.

               “He-“ Ani looks up and around him, like something else caught his attention.

               “Can you sense anything?” you ask, turning to Kylo, but his face is firm and unyielding. If he does sense something, his face is giving nothing away.

               “Can I tell you?” Ani whispers, looking at you. “And you can tell him? I don’t want him to get mad at me.”

               “You can tell me,” Kylo says, his voice exceedingly gentle. Ani looks less sure as his eyes skirt back to you, waiting for your decision.

               “Whatever you’re more comfortable with,” you tell Ani, and you scooch over to him on the far side of the room as he whispers in your ear, while Kylo watches on bitterly. It didn’t take much to figure out why. Here you and Ani were, playing an elaborate game of pronouns, and Kylo didn’t have the faintest idea who you were talking about. To be honest, neither did you. You knew that he had been talking to Ben, but now you were starting to get the impression that there were more people than just Ben floating around in the Force.

               “He’s mad,” Ani whispers in your ear, and you wrap one arm around him protectively.

               “Who is?” you ask quietly, your voice just above a whisper.

               “He’s not happy with him,” Ani says. “He says he’s been watching and he’s seen everything. He’s not happy. He says he made the same mistakes, that he picked power over family, and he’s mad that he did it too. He says he’s disappointed.”

               You turn to Ani, slowly feeling all color drain from your face as you meet his eyes. “Who, Ani?” When Ani doesn’t answer, you close your eyes and try to steady yourself. When you finally open them again, Ani is watching you intently, and you slowly try to reach out to him with your mind. _Who was it Ani? Was it Anakin, Kylo’s grandfather?_ Ani looks up for a moment, as if he’s hearing your voice in his head, but doesn’t seem all too surprised by it. He looks back at you and nods his head slowly.

               You put your hand over your mouth and you can feel your heartbeat pounding in your temple. There was no way. There was absolutely no way. Kylo’s dead grandfather had been watching him this entire time? “Why did he tell you?” you ask Ani. “Do you know why he told you?”

               Ani just shrugs. “I asked. I wanted to know. I told Ladson I wanted to ask you. He told me not to.”

               You shake your head. You were starting to realize that although Ladson had been an adequate father figure in taking care of Ani’s physical needs, he wasn’t going to be able to keep up with Ani’s quickly developing Force abilities. In truth, that was something that you were going to have to take responsibility for now, although you knew that you would have to have a long talk with Luke and Rey when they got back to figure out what they knew about these Force ghosts.

               “You should tell him,” you coax gently, mostly because you honestly don’t know how Kylo will take to this news if you tell him.

               Ani just shakes his head from side to side. “I’m hungry,” he tells you. “Can you ask Poe to bring me to the cafeteria?”

               You bite your lip as you study his face. “Don’t you want to spend more time with your dad?”

               “I just wanted to see what he looked like,” Ani admits, completely ignoring the fact that Kylo was right there. “At least once before they send him away. Ladson told me what’s going to happen.”

               “Okay,” you say quietly. You’re going to need to have a long talk with Ladson later, although you weren’t sure if that should come before or after you talk with Rey and Luke about Ani’s Force training. Either way, the number of long talks that you needed to have with people were starting to pile up, and it was quickly becoming too much for your liking. “Is there anything you want to say to your son?” you ask Kylo, turning to face him, but Kylo just leans back on the bed and doesn’t say anything.

               “I’ll be right back,” you tell him. He doesn’t answer, and Ani casts one last look back at Kylo before he heads out of the room.

               “Back already?” Poe asks in surprise as you emerge out the door.

               “Yeah,” you say quickly as you drop to your knee in front of Ani. “Are you sure you don’t want to spend more time with him? I mean, he is your dad, and-“

               “But I don’t know him,” Ani pouts. “And he doesn’t know me. I don’t know what to say.” You close your eyes as you let out a heavy sigh, planting a kiss against his temple. “Will you tell him what he said? Please?”

               “I will,” you promise, taking both of his small hands in both of yours. “Hey, hey, look at me. I love you, Ani, okay? And no matter what they say, I will protect you. Nothing bad is going to happen to you, not as long as we’re on this base. Understand?” Ani just bobs his head up and down and you smile back at him. “Good.” You lean back to look up at Poe. “He’s hungry, do you mind taking him to get some food?”

               “Of course,” Poe says softly, and you can tell that he’s still clearly confused by everything that you’re saying. He’s not the only one. “What about you?”

               “I got to tell him some stuff,” you say awkwardly, glancing down at Ani before you look back at Poe. “But I’ll catch up.”

               “Okay,” Poe says, and you can tell by the way he gives you a curt nod that he’s warning you to be careful. Not that he has to tell you twice.

               Ani gives you one last wave as he heads down the corridor with Poe, and you can’t help but feel a tug on your heartstrings as Ani grabs hold of Poe’s fingers as they walk. Maybe you didn’t really need to make a decision after all. Maybe Ani was subtly trying to make one for you. You had no way of knowing what the ghosts were telling him, but maybe if they were totally omniscient, they had also tipped him off about you and Poe, which, if that was the case, was not fair. They had no business telling your child anything about you or Kylo, although you weren’t quite sure what you could really do about it.

               With a heavy sigh, you turn around and head back inside the room to where Kylo was waiting with his back turned to you. “So,” you say, puffing air out of your cheeks. “We should talk.”

               “Should we?” Kylo asks as he rolls over to face you. “Or are you going to keep playing games?”

               “This is news to me too,” you tell him. “Although believe me when I say that I’m pretty sure this is a lot harder for me to deal with than it is for you.” Kylo raises his eyebrows, waiting for you to continue. “I just mean, you’re going to be shipped off to the Republic pretty soon, and I’m going to be the one stuck dealing with the fallout from this, and I don’t know how to handle it.”

               “He’s my son,” Kylo says firmly. “Let me help.”

               “I don’t think he wants your help,” you say as you shake your head. “I don’t know, Luke, he did something to him, I think, and-“

               “What did he do?” Kylo’s voice is a low snarl, and, for some reason, it chills you to the core.

               “I don’t know, I wasn’t here,” you reply testily. “I was with you, remember?”

               “You should never have left him here alone,” Kylo snaps.

               “He wasn’t alone, he was with Ladson,” you snap back. “Although I’m starting to think that isn’t good enough anymore. Not that it matters. I’ll have tons more time to spend with him once you’re gone.”

               Kylo stares you down and you stare right back. “Tell me what is going on.”

               You let out a deep breath and rub your temples. “Ani is talking to people,” you say at length. “At first it was just dreams, visions, maybe, but he was standing in our living room talking to people like they were there, and I think they were.”

               “What people?” Kylo asks, but his expression is giving nothing away. If he believes you or not, you can’t be sure.

               “At first it was just Ben,” you tell him, and Kylo automatically flinches at the name. “Yeah, _Ben_ , the person _you_ were named for. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Luke’s old Jedi master.”

               Kylo just shakes his head. “He was weak. My grandfather killed him.” He doesn’t seem too perplexed by this information, and you could only assume that if Luke had told Ani about Obi-Wan, then Luke had probably told Kylo while he was training him too.

               “Well, speaking of your grandfather,” you begin softly, and Kylo’s eyes shoot up to meet your face immediately. “He, uh, he’s talking to Ani too.” Kylo’s jaw drops, just slightly, but it’s perceptible enough for you to notice. You bite your lip and lean back against the wall, getting the words out in a rush. “He’s not happy with you. He’s mad at you, at least according to Ani. He says you abandoned your family and chose to turn to the dark side and to power, just like he did, and that was a mistake he wishes he could take back, and he’s disappointed to see you doing the same thing.”

               Kylo just scoffs as he shakes his head, rubbing his thumb back and forth over his bottom lip. “I don’t know what my mother has told you, but-“

               “She hasn’t told me much,” you tell him. “This all came from Ani, and I haven’t talked to him about that at all. Anything he’s hearing isn’t coming from me.”

               “My mother then,” Kylo insists. “My mother had to have-“ He shakes his head, and you can tell that although he’s doing his best to hide it, he’s clearly disturbed by what you’ve just told him. He can see it in your face that you’re not trying to manipulate him, not trying to trick him into anything. You were simply relaying Ani’s message, and Ani was just a child caught up in something he didn’t understand.

               “Could you sense anything?” you ask him. “Can you see these Force ghosts too? Is this something that comes and goes, or does-?”

               “He’s not seeing anything,” Kylo says firmly. “My mother set this up somehow, when you were gone. She’s manipulating him against me.”

               “If that’s what you want to believe, then go ahead,” you say with a slight shrug of your shoulders. “I’m going to teach Ani to try to build a Force wall to keep them out, but I don’t know if he’ll actually do it or not. I have to talk to Luke and Rey when they get back and figure out what’s going on for myself.” Kylo says nothing, and you just stare him down unflinchingly. “I’m sorry things went down that way, I am, but you have to understand that you haven’t been there for him. Ladson has, and Sadie has, and he’s made all these new friends on the base that spend time with him, regularly, and-“

               “Like the pilot?” Kylo narrows his eyes as he looks up at you, and you just roll your neck to one side uncomfortably.

               “Poe has been exceptionally kind to Ani,” you tell him softly. You didn’t want to talk about Poe at all, not with Kylo, just like you didn’t really want to talk about Kylo with Poe. They existed in two separate orbits, and you wanted to keep it that way. Kylo had been a big part of your life with the First Order, and Poe had been a big part of your life with the Resistance. You couldn’t have gotten any further along either end of the spectrum even if you tried.  

               “And to you,” Kylo says, phrasing it as more of a statement than a question. “I saw into his mind. He has feelings for you, and you for him.”

               “It’s complicated,” you say firmly, crossing your arms over your chest as you shift your weight to one foot.

               “It’s not,” Kylo replies, and suddenly you notice that he has a malicious gleam in his eye that you really don’t like. “You’ve always been attracted to power, it’s the only reason why you were interested in me to begin with, and now that I don’t have it, you’re after the best pilot in the Resistance, the Commander, the one famed with bringing about the destruction of the Starkiller Base, a place you used to call home.”

               You just shake your head. It hurts to hear him talk about you this way, and you don’t want to hear it. “I know you’re mad because Ani-“ You let out a sigh and gesture vaguely into the air in front of you with one hand. “But don’t take this out on me.”

               “This isn’t about Ani,” Kylo snaps. “You don’t know whether you want to be with me after all the things _I’ve_ done, but how many troops did he kill when he destroyed our base? How many-“

               “Troops,” you say, keeping your voice level. “They were soldiers. How many civilian lives did you take when you destroyed the Hosnian System? Those were civilians, living out their own lives, who wanted nothing to do with this war, and you sucked them into it. I can’t even speak for those Storm Troopers, to say if they actively wanted a role in this conflict, not after all the brainwashing you’ve done to them, kidnapping them from a young age and forcing them to serve in your army.”

               “That was Hux,” Kylo says dismissively.

               “But you knew it was going on,” you counter. “And you didn’t do anything to stop it.” You’re angry now, you can feel the adrenaline coursing through your veins, and for some reason, even though you know you should hold the next words back, you just can’t. “Considering Snoke did the same thing to you, I would have thought you would have more sympathy for them.” Kylo just shakes his head and turns away from you, signaling that this conversation is over, but you can’t stop now, you just can’t. For some reason, you feel like you have to keep pushing him, although you can’t quite say for sure why you feel this way. “You’re the one who brought Poe into this,” you continue. “And if you really want to go there, he was acting in self-defense. That superweapon was aimed at D’Qar next, don’t you remember? That would have killed _everyone_ here, including your mother. Could you really have lived with killing both of your parents?” Kylo’s still not listening to you. “What if Ani and I were already on base at that point, huh? Could you have lived with killing us both?”

               He turns to you now, and even you have to admit that that was a low blow, but you couldn’t help yourself. “You weren’t,” he says, but his voice is quieter and for some reason he doesn’t sound so sure.

               “You never bothered to come back for me,” you say with a shrug. “If the Resistance had found me sooner, it could have turned out that way. I guess I’m just lucky that it didn’t.”

               Kylo shakes his head as if he’s trying to clear it. “You’re choosing sides,” he says at length. “After all this time, you’re finally choosing sides, and you chose the Resistance.”

               “You didn’t give me much of a choice,” you tell him, but your voice is cold and unfeeling. “You never came back for me. Poe came to get me, and he brought me here. If anything, you should be thanking him, considering if he had never gotten me I’d probably still be there waiting for you, and then you never would have gotten to see me or Ani at all.” Kylo looks like he’s about to retort, but you keep going. “I’ve made friends here, people that will help support me and Ani. If you really wanted to be with me, you should have come back instead of abandoning us on that rock. I can try to forgive you for all of the other awful things that you’ve done, because you didn’t hurt me personally. You didn’t do it to me, and I still don’t know what that says about me, but I guess that’s just something I’ll have to deal with. You just left me and Ani there, though, and if the Resistance hadn’t come for me I don’t know if I ever would have seen you again. You robbed Ani of having a father, and I don’t know if I can forgive you for that.”

               Kylo is quiet, and you just bow your head, rolling your neck from side to side. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. There’s no sides anymore. The war is over. The Resistance won, you’re captured, and that’s really all there is to it.” You shrug your shoulders. “It’s not a choice between you and Poe, because there is no future with you, and I need to come to terms with that, because it’s not even choosing between you and Poe, it’s choosing between you and myself, and I’m the only one who can take care of Ani.” You kick your foot idly into the empty space in front of you. “And it sucks because after everything you’ve put me through, I still really want to be with you, but I can’t keep deluding myself that things will all work out in the end. You’re a prisoner here, and I have the chance to make something of myself here, to have some kind of a life that makes a difference, to give Ani the chance to make something of himself, and if you really cared about us at all, you should want that for us.” Kylo just sits there, not saying a word, and you find yourself urging him on, trying to spur him into saying something, anything. “Poe is there for us; you can’t take it out on him. You can be jealous, if you want, I’d be jealous if the situations were reversed, but the only reason I’m with him is because you didn’t come back.”

               Kylo lets out a laugh. It’s a harsh, bitter sound, but it doesn’t affect you as much as it should. You can feel your heart beating in your chest, but it’s a hollow, heavy sound, and there’s a growing sense of numbness that’s tingling from your core outwards. If this whole experience with Ani just now had taught you anything, it was that you had to start putting him first, which meant that you couldn’t focus on Kylo anymore. You had to stop making him the priority, and you had to start putting you and your needs first, starting with your son.

               “You want to believe that,” Kylo tells you. “You need to believe that. The truth is you want power too, you crave it. I can feel what you feel. You want-“

               “You’re wrong,” you tell him. “I don’t want power. I don’t. I don’t want any part of this.”

               “You want _influence_ ,” Kylo says, drawing out the last word. “What do you think it means? You said it yourself, you want to have a life that makes a difference, and you want the power and the control that comes along with that.”

               “Maybe when I was back with you,” you say quietly. “Back when the Force bond affected me more than I could control, but you are wrong. You know nothing about me, nothing about who I am now, and-“

               Your head snaps to the side as you feel someone coming, and you both turn to look at the door as it slides open and Leia steps through. “Am I interrupting something?” she asks, looking between you and Kylo. Both of you just look down and to the side, like two children caught in the middle of an argument who expected to be reprimanded. “Where’s Ani?”

               “Maybe you should ask your son about that,” you say pointedly. Leia’s eyes drift over to Kylo, but you don’t want to be here, not for this. “I should go.”

               You hear Kylo about to protest, but you’ve already made your way past Leia and out into the hallway. You’re ready to break down again, but you don’t, because you can’t. Poe is standing there, offering you a tight-lipped supportive smile. “What are you doing here?” you ask as you shake your head, as if you can’t believe he’s standing right there in front of you. “Where’s Ani? I thought you were bringing him down to the mess hall.”

               “I did,” Poe says. “I dropped him off with Ladson and came back for you. I don’t know, I just, I had a feeling that you might need me.”

               “I appreciate you coming back for me,” you tell him, taking one of his hands in both of yours. “And for taking such good care of me, and Ani. I just-“ You shake your head from side to side, not sure how to continue. You didn’t want to ask the question that had already surfaced on your tongue. It made you seem weak, and although you knew that you needed to ask, a part of you still held back. You weren’t sure if you were ready to let him in on everything yet, but you needed someone you could talk to about everything, and you were starting to think that maybe Ladson would be the wrong person to go to. You had no idea when Rey or Luke would get back, Finn had gone with them, and you didn’t want to trouble Leia more than you already had. No, you needed someone who you could be totally open with, who wouldn’t judge you or think less of you no matter what you said. That person used to be Kylo, but he wouldn’t be around for much longer, and you had to start weaning yourself off of him, as if he was a bad habit that you had to kick.

               “Do you need someone to talk to?” Poe asks at length. “About what happened in there and what’s going on with Ani?”

               “Yes,” you say at length, offering him a grateful smile. “Yes, I think I could use someone to talk to about, well, everything." 

               “Come on then,” Poe says, and as he slings his arm around your shoulders and leads you down the corridor, you can’t help but think that maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....and Kylo has finally met Ani. I'm not going to lie, usually I crank out a chapter in a day or two, but this chapter seriously took me about four days to write just because it was super awkward and tense and I couldn't figure out where I needed it to go, but hey, it happens. I just love the parallels of Anakin abandoning Padme for the dark side, and Kylo essentially doing the same thing, and having Anakin totally being pissed at him for that and shouting at him from the other side of the Force. "STOP THAT. BEN ORGANA SOLO STOP THAT. OH MY FORCE THIS KID WHAT IS HE DOING?" But of course Kylo would be pissed and take it out on the Reader. Sadness. And feels. All the feels!! 
> 
> By the way, feel free to leave any more music suggestions in the comments below!! Muzik is still looking for more songs to add to the Signs and Smoke Signals playlist, so if you have a song that you think would go well with the story, please share!! <3 Until tomorrow, cheers!!


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter is so late getting out!! If anyone asks, I was distracted because [adreamemporium](http://adreamemporium.tumblr.com/) made an AWESOME cover for A Flare in the Dark that you can see [here.](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/142120037632/adreamemporium-there-are-times-that-you-read-a) How awesome is that? Insanely crazy awesome? Damn straight it is!!
> 
> Also, light-NSFW below?

               Poe’s room was humble for a Commander’s, and yet, you couldn’t imagine him being in any other sort of room. There was a bunk bed pushed off to one side, a bigger bed on the bottom and a smaller one on top, with a thin metal ladder leading from the end of the upper bed to the floor. The room was oddly rectangular, and while his bed and a large dresser were pushed off to one side of the room, the other side of the room was filled with a varied assortment of items; most of which seemed to be mechanical parts of some sort or another, but your eyes kept going back to that bunk bed.

               “Why do you have a bunk bed?” you ask, still unable to get past that seemingly insignificant detail.

               Poe just shrugs. “When Finn first got to base, he wasn’t really comfortable sleeping in his own room,” he explains. “So we got this set up and he slept in here with me for a while.”

               You just smile as you shake your head. “Is it possible that you can be too good of a person? Because if so, I think you’re it.”

               “You think too highly of me,” Poe says good-naturedly, but secretly you think he enjoys the praise as he sits down on the bed. “So, you want to talk, let’s talk. Feel free to share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.”

               “I-“ You laugh nervously, brushing your hair out of your face. “I don’t know, this is so weird, talking to you about it, I don’t know.”

               “Why?” Poe asks, as if he’s genuinely curious.

               “Because,” you say loudly, as if it should have been obvious. “Finn is just naturally perceptive to what I’m thinking, Rey can actually get inside my head to see what I’m feeling, and Ladson, I know for a fact-“ You shake your head from side to side. “Ladson is Ladson, but you, you’re, I don’t know, you.”

               “Glad you noticed,” Poe says with a smirk. “Just start wherever you want to start. I’m not going to force you to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

               “You’re too nice,” you say again, as if you can’t believe he was a real human being sitting in front of you and not some kind of droid programmed to emulate good-mannered responses. “I don’t know, have you been noticing Ani acting any different lately?”

               “Not really,” Poe says with a shrug. “But then again, with all the craziness of the past few weeks…” He lets his voice trail off, and you nod your head in understanding.

               “Yeah,” you say with a huff. “Well, we went in to see Kylo, and-“ you pause suddenly. “Do you want me to call him Kylo, or would you prefer I call him Ren?”

               “Call him whatever you want,” Poe says, as if it really doesn’t make any difference to him.

               “Right,” you say quickly. “So Ani wanted to see him and I really thought he would be, I don’t know, nervous but excited? But he wasn’t, at all. It was just really quiet, and awkward, and then he told me something Anakin had told him, that he was always watching Kylo, and then he wanted to leave, just like that. Like Kylo didn’t mean anything to him.”

               “Maybe he doesn’t,” Poe says with a shrug, and you stop pacing to whirl around to face him. You’re not quite sure what the expression on your face is, but you know it’s not a pleasant one. “I just mean that Ren means a lot more to you than he does to Ani, and you want them to have that sort of connection that you two have, but he doesn’t. You at least knew the guy for a while, but he hasn’t been there for Ani and he isn’t going to be, so it’s understandable that Ani doesn’t want to get attached.”

               “But isn’t that-“ You just shake your head. “That just seems like really mature thinking for a six year old, right?”

               Poe just shrugs. “Kids can be amazingly perceptive,” he replies. “Besides, you don’t know what else he’s been hearing. You said Luke’s teacher was talking to him?”

               “Ben,” you say. “Obi-Wan. I mean, I don’t see how that’s possible, but-“

               “Anything is possible through the Force,” Poe quips, and you cross your arms over your chest as you glare at him. “Okay, maybe not, but you seem to believe it.”

               “I don’t know what to believe,” you mutter. “Do you believe it?”

               “Yes,” Poe replies without hesitation. “And not just because you do. I may not have the Force as strongly as you do, but I’ve seen a lot of things that I can’t really explain. Some things you just have to take on faith.”    

               “Yeah, well,” you say as you roll your shoulders back. “Apparently he’s not just seeing Kenobi’s ghost. Apparently he’s seeing the ghost of Leia’s father, Kylo’s grandfather, and Ani’s _great_ grandfather.” You shake your head. “I’m beginning to think I got involved with the wrong family.”

               Poe just laughs good-naturedly. “So you said, but you didn’t mention exactly what he told Ani.”

               “Apparently he’s disappointed in Kylo,” you tell him, your voice dripping with sarcasm. “He’s upset Kylo chose power and the First Order over his family.”

               “Well, Vader made the same mistake,” Poe shrugs.

               “But he’s been watching everything?” you ask. “I mean, sure, I guess if you’re a ghost you don’t really have much else to do, but he’s really been watching him this entire time?”

               “I think you’re upset because, by extension, that means he’s also been watching you this whole time,” Poe says, watching your expression.

               “I mean,” you shrug uncomfortably. You can’t lie to him. “Yeah, I mean, I guess that’s true. It’s just weird to think that there are ghosts floating around when I can’t sense them. I don’t think Kylo could either, but I think he’s been weakened by whatever Luke did to him.”

               “You can sense that through the Force bond?” Poe asks you, and you bite your lip.

               “I don’t know, I think it’s just because I know him,” you tell him. “The Force bond itself is still strong, though. I mean, I’ve managed to put my walls back up so he doesn’t influence me as much, and I don’t think he’s influencing Ani-“     

               “Maybe Obi-Wan and Anakin are helping with that,” Poe offers. “Maybe since Ani’s too young to make one himself, they’re helping keep Kylo out, maybe Snoke too.”

               “That’s an idea,” you say, nodding your head. If they were protecting your son, then that was something you could get behind.

               “How is the Force bond?” Poe asks, and you can just manage to pick on the tiny bit of hesitation in his voice.

               “I can control it,” you tell him firmly. “I know it’s not something you can understand, but trust me when I tell you I have it under control.” Poe raises his eyebrows and you bite your lip. “It is complicated though. Like, I just-“ Your jaw clamps shut and you shake your head from side to side, refusing to say anymore. “I’m sorry, I just, I can’t. It’s weird talking about this with you.”

               “Because I like you?” Poe asks with a slight chuckle.

               “Because I like you,” you reply breathlessly, and Poe just gives you a relaxed, gentle smile. “I am drawn to him through the Force bond, naturally. Remember how I immediately picked up on Rey when I first met her?” He nods his head. “It’s like that with Kylo, like I’m just constantly aware of him, and I can block him out to a certain extent, but as long as the Force bond is in place there’s just a sense of _knowing_ that he’s there in the back of my head.” You lift your shoulders up and drop them again. “But it diminishes with distance. Once he gets taken to the Republic, or when Luke comes back to siphon off his power, it’ll be gone then, and then I won’t feel anything.”

               “And you’re okay with that?” Poe asks, as if he genuinely wants to know. You screw up your face and look at him incredulously.

               “He’s an ass,” you say firmly. “I mean, besides all the horrible things he’s done, he’s an ass. Like, he already asked me to try to help him escape, as if he thought I would just be manipulated that easily.”

               “Maybe he’s just desperate,” Poe offers, but you shake your head. You don’t want to hear Poe defend him. It already felt as though you were the one waging battles inside your own head, and you didn’t need Poe’s opinion to tip the balance to one side over another.

               “I don’t know,” you sigh. “I mean, part of me thinks it’s worse for Ani than it is for me. I mean, you know how it is. I never knew my mother, and my father was an ass, but I turned out okay.” You turn to look at him, as if you’re suddenly unsure. “Didn’t I?”

               “Yes,” Poe chuckles. “But Ani has you, and you’re there for him-“

               “How am I, though?” you ask, shrugging your shoulders uncomfortably. “I mean, I’ve spent so much time training, I was just literally off the base for a week, and Kylo could have killed me and then he would have been left all alone.”

               “It’s a risk,” Poe admits. “I don’t remember how much I’ve told you about how I grew up. My parents left me with my grandmother after they continued to fight against the Imperials after the Battle of Endor. It wasn’t until I was six that my mother taught me how to pilot a ship and then she died two years later.”

               “But she must have at least told you some good stories, right?” you ask, anxiously eager to get the conversation off of you. “To make you want to follow in her footsteps?”

               “Actually no,” Poe laughs. “I don’t think she actually told me too much; from what I can remember of her, she wanted to leave the war and the past behind her. But after I first joined the Republic, I looked through my mother’s record and found accounts from dozens of operations and battles that she had been involved in during the Galactic Civil War.”

               “She sounds like a quite a pilot,” you say, trying to sound more impressed than you feel.

               “She was more than just a pilot,” Poe tells you, and there’s a touch of pride in his voice when he says it. “In her files there were countless testimonies from other Rebel pilots who talked about how skilled she was, how she was responsible for saving their lives, and-“ He shakes his head, like he’s not quite sure how to continue.

               “-and you wanted to be just like her,” you say, unable to hide your smile. Poe didn’t really remember much of his mother either, but at least he had something to go on. You didn’t have anything to remember your own mother by, whether she was a fighter or a pilot or a mechanic, you had no idea. You had no idea if she’d be proud of you, or who you had become, but at least Poe could assume with some certainty that he had, although you didn’t know for sure. You would never voice it, but you almost wondered if his mother would be proud of him for getting involved in another war, or if she would have preferred her son to stay out of the conflict.

               That, of course, ran your train of thought right back to Ani. You didn’t want him to be involved in the conflict, but if you died, it just made sense that he would follow in your footsteps, working with the Resistance not only because that was where he would be growing up, but also because he would want to get revenge against Kylo and the First Order for essentially killing his mother. It wasn’t a responsibility you wanted to thrust on him, and yet, you wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised to see Ani take up that call, especially with all the resources he had around him. Fortunately, you were here now, you hadn’t died, and you weren’t planning on going anywhere ever again.  

               “And Ani wants to be just like you,” Poe tells you. You roll your eyes in disbelief, but he continues. “I mean it. He sees how brave and strong you are. He’s a fighter and he wants that. He wants that spark that you have.”

               “Spark?” you ask him as you raise your eyebrows.

               Poe just shrugs. “It’s just that thing that you have, that brightness in you. No matter how dark things get, or how bad things look, you always are hopeful that things will play out in the right way. You’re never afraid to say how you feel, whether you’re afraid or embarrassed and it’s why people gravitate towards you. It’s why Ani looks up to you. It’s why I like you, hell, it’s probably even part of the reason why Ren likes you.” You can’t help but shake your head and let out of a huff. You didn’t want Poe to list the reasons why Kylo Ren liked you.

               “He’s an ass,” you remind him. “Besides, you should have heard all the stuff that he’s said about you.”

               “Oh, I’m sure,” Poe says, grinning openly now.

               “Like, he told me just now that the only reason I’m attracted to you is because of power,” you tell him, beginning to pace back and forth again. “Like he thinks that I want power, and control, but I don’t. If I did, if I _ever_ really did, it was only because of his influence through the Force bond that was making me that way, but I am stronger now, Rey helped me be stronger, and I’m not letting him influence me anymore.”

               “You don’t want power,” Poe agrees. “You want strength, mostly to help yourself and to help your friends. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I can see how someone like him would take it overboard, to where he wanted to exert his own strength to control others. That’s where strength becomes power.”

               “Exactly,” you say gratefully. “See, you get it.”

               “Because I get you,” Poe says simply, fixing you with a reassuring smile, and you can’t help but smile back at him before you release a breath in your chest.

               “Do you think Kylo does?” you ask quietly. You don’t want to ask Poe this question, but right now, there’s no one else around, and Poe’s seemingly stunning sense of clarity when it came to you had made you feel better so far.  

               “I think he did,” Poe says honestly. “I think he wants to. I’m sure the Force bond makes things more complicated than I can imagine, but just knowing a person’s thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean you actually know a person. Knowing someone is deeper than that.”

               “And you think you know me?” you ask as you bite your lip.

               “I think I’d like to,” Poe says, looking up at you as you approach him. You sit down on his lap and wrap your legs around his waist, pressing your lips against his. You pull away for a moment, your eyes burning into his brown ones, but they weren’t dark like Kylo’s. You couldn’t say they were light, but looking into them was like looking at yourself from a whole different perspective and you weren’t sure if you liked it. One thing was for certain, though, once you kissed him again, there was no turning back. It had been like the first time you kissed Kylo all those years ago, once it happened, your life would inevitably be altered in such a way that you didn’t know if it would improve your life or totally destroy it. You wanted to wait for Poe to say something, for him to kiss you, to urge you on, but of course he wouldn’t. He was waiting for you to make the first move; he was waiting for you to tell him that you were ready.

               You weren’t.

               But you wanted to be.

               You wanted to forget Kylo. There was no chance of a future with him, and as much as you kept telling yourself that, it felt like the reality of your situation wasn’t quite sinking in. You were never going to have a future with him. You were never going to wake up to him holding you at night, he was never going to watch Ani grow up, and he would never be able to be there for him when you really needed him to. Whether it was the Force bond tying you to him or not, that didn’t matter. You had to trust in the Force in order to be strong, but right now you also had to be stronger than the Force bond that tied you to him. The Force was not all that you were, nor would it be all that you would become.

               You could have a life here in the Resistance, with Poe. He would probably have to go off on other aerial combat missions, and there would always be a risk that something could happen to him, but there would be that risk with meeting _anyone._ Anyone could die, at any time, for any reason, that was something you had always known. At least this way, you knew that Poe would always come back to you when he could, unlike Kylo, who had sent you away and abandoned you for years. He could be there for Ani, watching him grow up and teaching him how to become a pilot. Heck, if things continued on the right course, you could even potentially move in with him here, sleeping on the bottom bunk together while Ani slept on the top one, and then Ladson would be free to get involved with whomever he wanted, once he didn’t feel obligated to take care of Ani for you. And you would never have to question how Poe felt about you, if he was using you for his own ends, because you knew he wouldn’t do that. He wasn’t that sort of person, you knew that implicitly, and you could only imagine what sort of fun times you could have hanging out with him and Rey and Finn once this whole war was finally over. It was a life that you could have, that you could see right in front of you, so tangible you could almost reach out and touch it.

               And you could. You could have all that. All you had to do was reach forward and kiss him.

               You press your lips into his with such intensity that you almost knock him backwards but he stays firm as he wraps his arms around you, his hands travelling to the warmth of your exposed back that’s not quite covered by your shirt as you lean forward. You run a hand through his thick curly hair as you kiss him roughly, with one arm slung around his shoulders. Your hand slides down from his hairline to his stubbled cheek as you continue to kiss him intensely, pushing everything you have into the contact, trying not to think. If you think you’ll second guess yourself, and you don’t want to do that right now. You don’t know whether it’s the Force bond that’s holding you back or Kylo himself, but you have to ignore all that, even if the part that’s holding you back is a part of yourself. You were too blinded by what you felt for Kylo to think rationally, and this thing with Poe could be a good thing if you would open yourself to it. You just didn’t know if you could, and that was precisely why you had to stop thinking about it and just go.

               You pull away, but only for a moment so that you can take off his shirt, running both hands down his muscular chest as your lips crash into his again. He wraps one hand around the base of your neck while he trails one finger down your cheek, and the gesture is so surprisingly gentle combined with the force of your rough kisses that it makes you dizzy, and for a moment you don’t have to try not to think, you don’t have to try at all as you give way to the pleasurable sensations that are flooding your body. This was going to be different, you knew, letting someone else explore your body, but in a way it was almost oddly exhilarating, if you could just let yourself get caught up in the moment, you could like this. You _would_ like this, you knew you would.

               “Do you like this?” Poe murmurs against your lips, but his voice is low and it’s rough and it ebbed away any of your resolve to resist him.

               “Yes,” you reply, but your voice is tight with need and suddenly you can’t take it anymore, you _need_ to feel him. You struggle out of your own shirt, Poe’s calloused fingertips raking down your smooth sides as you pull your shirt off and over your head, throwing it down to the floor beside you. You press your breasts into his bare chest and he takes one in his hand as he starts to knead it gently, and you just grind your hips into his, trying to spur him on. You knew he wouldn’t be rough with you, at least not rough in the way that you were expecting, but the thought of him being gentle with you was almost sort of enticing in its own way. You wanted him to kiss you deeply, but slowly, wanted to feel his coarse palms move in long strokes across your tingling skin, wanted him to make every movement deliberate and painfully slow, tormenting you with his tender sense of affection.

               You push him down on the bed and he shifts to a vertical position so he’s lying out lengthwise on the bed to give you room to continue to straddle him without bumping your head against the top bunk. Regardless, you stretch your body out over his, flipping your hair back behind you as you bend down to kiss him, savoring the sensation of him running his warm hands up and across the smooth skin of your back. It was nice just kissing him like this, gentle, and you knew he wouldn’t push things any further than you wanted to. The only problem was that you needed to push them.

               “On me.” You roll over off of him and Poe is on top of you in a second, one hand cupping your cheek while he supports himself with his other arm. He feels heavier against your chest than Kylo did, strangely, but you wrap your legs around his waist regardless as you move your hips in a slow, steady rhythm against him. You moan loudly against his lips, and he breaks contact as he bows his head so that he can slowly suck at your neck, teasing you with his lips and his tongue, but never his teeth. You can tell he’s not sucking hard enough to leave a hickey, although you supposed that was probably for the better. If people saw, people were going to ask, and you had no idea if Ani knew what a hickey was, and you weren’t really anxious to explain that one to him just yet.

               Still, he avoids the sweet spot that Kylo was ever so fond of, but you push the thought to the back of your mind as you run your tongue along his collarbone, nipping at the fragile skin at the base of his neck to show how rough you really wanted it. Poe only lets out a small laugh as he kisses your cheek and works his way back to your lips, where he kisses you so incredibly deeply for a moment you feel like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of your lungs and suddenly you were just inhaling him, and nothing but him. It was dizzying, and indescribable, and for a moment no thoughts would come to you as you lay there staring up at him, surging with need. Your hips give an extra forceful push against him, and Poe leans to one side of you as his lips trail across your jaw, his fingers moving agonizingly slowly down your abdomen.

               You can’t help yourself. You reach down over the bulge in his pants and Poe lets out a heavy breath from above you as you touch him outside the thick fabric. Poe mimics the motion, gently teasing your clit through the fabric of your pants, although the material is much thinner and you can feel yourself building. You wanted him, and it was hardly wrong not to. He was nice, and he was sweet, and he cared about you. Honestly, if you hadn’t been sent away to fetch Kylo and bring him back, you probably would have already been intimate with Poe by now, and it was only your misfortune that you had to be caught up with the Resistance’s plans all over again. True, if you hadn’t been swept up in this whole thing you never would have met him, just like if you hadn’t been swept up in it the first time you wouldn’t have met Kylo, but that hardly mattered. Thinking about how you got to be here was only serving to further distract you from the reality of the situation, and the reality of the situation was if Poe kept moving his fingers like that, you were going to let him take you.

               Which is what you wanted. Which was why you had kissed him, which is why you had taken off your shirt, which is why you were stroking his hardened length beneath his trousers. It wasn’t that complicated, you told yourself, the only thing that made it complicated was the fact that you were thinking instead of feeling. Whenever you were with Kylo, it was like there was a switch that just automatically deactivated your brain to the extent that you didn’t care about what happened around you, so long as he was with you, and it was those exact sort of thoughts that you shouldn’t be having while Poe was about two seconds away from finger fucking you.

               “I’m ready,” you say breathlessly, but your spoken words don’t match your thoughts.

_No I’m not._

“Let’s do this.”

               _I don’t think I can._

“I want you.”

               _I’m scared I might be using you to try to get over Kylo._

               That last thought makes you freeze internally. Poe had never accused you of that. Kylo had never accused you of that. No one had directly said anything to imply that your feelings for Poe were less than genuine, so where had that thought come from? Fear?

               But Poe hadn’t heard that, and he’s grinning at you with his lopsided cocky grin as he scoots up slightly to take off his pants and suddenly it’s all too much. Your sweat is damp and cold against your skin, and you can feel the hair sticking to the back of your neck uncomfortably and you can feel your goosebumps rising up against your flesh, as if you had suddenly caught a chill. You were no longer deliciously dizzy, but lightheaded, as if you might faint.

               “Wait,” you say suddenly, and you close your eyes to try to take stock of yourself. The words had bubbled out of you, as if they were a caustic potion that could no longer be contained in its vial. “Wait, maybe we shouldn’t do this just yet.”

               “No problem, you know I have no problem taking this slow.” Poe just smiles at you good-naturedly, and you hate that, you absolutely hate that, as he fixes himself and lies back down in bed beside you, pulling you into his arms. You allow yourself to be held, cheek against his chest, and while half of you wants to tell him to keep going, that you changed your mind, you know that he’s not going to push you. The damage had already been done. It was like you had climbed to the top of a really tall slide and just when you were about to push yourself off the edge, you had suddenly decided against it, decided to climb the long, disappointing rungs of the ladder all the way back down to where you started, when, if you had just let yourself go, you could have enjoyed it. You could have been happy, instead of filled with this revolting, heavy feeling in your chest.

               “I’m sorry, I can’t yet, I just can’t,” you say quickly. “I’m so sorry.”

               “It’s fine,” Poe says as he gently strokes the hair out of your face. “It’s fine, we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

               “I want to,” you say softly, avoiding his eyes. “Please believe me when I say I want to, I just don’t think now’s a good time, that’s all.”

               “Whenever you’re ready,” Poe says as he wraps his arms around you, and as you close your eyes and snuggle into his chest, you can’t help but be reminded that he was far too good for someone like you.

               You feel a sick sense of sadness and disappointment rising up inside your chest, and there’s nothing you can do to quell it. You felt absolutely disgusted with yourself, as if you had set a goal and failed at it miserably. You had an opportunity to really create a life with Poe here, to create something good for you and Ani, and you were throwing it all away. Of course, Poe didn’t know that, Poe just thought you weren’t ready yet, and that was fine, that was all he needed to know. The truth was that you still saw yourself as Kylo’s, not as his property, but you still couldn’t help the fact that you still felt that link to him, that you still felt bound to him. What would it take to shake that? When he was gone for good? When the Force bond was siphoned? Would you still feel drawn to him then, or would it feel as though a burden had been lifted from your shoulders and you would be free to carry on your life without this appalling sense of guilt?  

               You had never really hated yourself before, not truly, but you were starting to get a sense of what it felt like. Was this how Kylo felt all the time? Was he someone who was truly disgusted with the horrible choices that he made? Silently, you shake your head. It didn’t matter how Kylo felt. That was the problem. You still linked everything back to him, how he thought about something, how he felt about something, and that was a habit that you had to break. It had been going on for years, and it would be difficult, there would be no question about it, but if you really wanted to prove that you were strong, no amount of combat training or sparring would prove anything if you couldn’t overcome your addiction to him. You had to make it clear to him once and for all that there was nothing left of your relationship with him. You had to make it clear that whatever you had in the past was over. The reasons didn’t matter. Your life was yours to do with as you chose, and even though he would see you as choosing Poe over him, in reality, Poe didn’t really have a lot to do with it. You were choosing a life here over him. You were choosing Ani over him. You were choosing yourself over him.

               And in the morning, you would tell him just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly for some reason this passage has reminded me a lot of the three main characters in this story and I wanted to share: 
> 
> Man is to be known in three ways:  
> As inferior, mediocre and excellent.
> 
> He who by any means whatsoever  
> Provides for the pleasures of Saṃsāra  
> For himself alone,  
> Is called an inferior man.
> 
> He who turns his back to the pleasures of the world  
> And abstains from evil deeds,  
> But provides only for his own peace,  
> Is called a mediocre man.
> 
> He who seriously wants to dispel  
> All the misery of others,  
> Because in the stream of his own being he has understood the nature of misery,  
> Is an excellent man.
> 
> -The _Bodhipathapradīpa of Atisha_ (980-1054 CE), quoted in Gampopa's (1079-1153 CE) _Jewel Ornament of Liberation_ rendered into English by Günther
> 
> So no chapters are going to come tomorrow (Sunday, 4/3), because this chapter was so late getting out today and I'm pretty busy tomorrow, which means that part 1 of our third installment comes out this Thursday...yes, really!! I hope you're as excited about it as I am...and I apologize for your feels in advance. ;)


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess what guys?? [adreamemporium](http://adreamemporium.tumblr.com/) has done it again and made an AWESOME cover for A Candle in the Night that you can see [here.](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/142205286732/adreamemporium-second-cover-for-signs-and-smoke) I am seriously in love with that lightsaber staff, it's almost exactly how I pictured it and I literally can't say enough good things about it so please check it out!! <3

               You didn’t know when you had fallen asleep, but when you rolled over you were almost embarrassed to find yourself lying shirtless next to Poe, who was in a similar state of undress. You paused for a moment to let your eyes sweep over his muscles, and you felt an involuntary blush rising to your cheeks. He was as cute asleep as he was when he was awake, his face relaxed with a gentle smile playing on his lips, and you lay there perfectly still as you studied him, as if hoping that some sort of answer would leap out of his sleeping visage and into your brain. You wanted him, you were at least pleased to discover that that much still held true, and you were happy that for once your thoughts seemed quiet.

               You snuggled back into him, running your bottom lip along his chest. Poe stirs in his sleep, and he blinks a few times as he looks down at you, his eyebrows raised as if he’s surprised to see you. “Hey, you.”

               “Hey,” you reply back as you lean forward to kiss him. It’s a gentle kiss, but you feel yourself being drawn into his warm embrace, and you press your chest against his as you kiss him, cupping his stubbled cheek with one hand.

               “I should get up soon,” Poe says as he stretches, but he plants a kiss against your temple as he buries his nose in your hair. “You smell nice.”

               “That’s probably because I smell like you,” you tease gently as you cuddle back into him. “But you should stay, at least for a few more minutes.”

               “Maybe,” Poe replies, but he seems to have no intention of moving. “By the way, I was thinking about taking you and Ani out flying around D’Qar this week, to get his mind off everything. You think he would like that?”

               “I think he would,” you reply as you kiss him gently, pressing your lips to his and pulling away as fast as you had made contact. You grin as you bite your lip and look up at him. “You really are way too good for me.”

               “Or maybe I’m just the right amount of good that you need,” Poe replies amicably, running his fingertips down the length of your arm.

               “Don’t do that,” you giggle in a weak attempt to keep yourself from moaning. “If you do that I’m not going to let you get up.”

               “Is that a fact?” Poe asks, and he’s suddenly playful, rolling his large frame over yours. You smirk as you wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him, pushing your body flush up against his. This, this was much better than before. Yesterday you had been so concerned with trying to choose between Poe or Kylo that you didn’t let yourself _be_. Right now, your mind felt quiet and unconcerned with Kylo Ren, and for that you were silently grateful. Maybe it was because it was still the early morning, and you were used to spending your early mornings with Poe and your nights thinking about Kylo. That, however, would have to change. “I do need to get up though,” he insists, and you let out a playful groan as he rolls off of you.

               “Can I ask you a question?” you ask as you watch him pull on a shirt.

               “You’re always free to ask me anything,” Poe says, his back to you. “You know that.”

               “Well,” you say hesitantly, unsure of how to really go about asking what you really want to ask. “I was just thinking, since Ani doesn’t want to see him anymore, it would be a good idea for me not to see Kylo anymore either, right?”

               Poe stills for the briefest of moments as he turns around to face you. “Is this your way of asking me to tell you not to see him anymore?”

               “I mean, if you don’t want me to see him anymore-“ You raise your shoulders and then drop them dramatically. “I won’t, it’s just that simple.”

               Poe just laughs as he shakes his head. “I’m not the jealous type. If you need to see him to work out whatever it is that you’re going through, then go for it.” You look down and to the side, vaguely disappointed. Poe comes over to you and bends down, planting a quick kiss on your lips, and stays close as he continues talking. “But, if you want me to really say it, then yes, you are absolutely forbidden from seeing him ever again. Do I make myself clear?”

               “Crystal,” you say with a laugh, and Poe smiles as he kisses you again.

               “I don’t know how long I’m going to be,” he says. “Feel free to stay as long as you want.”

               “Thanks,” you say as you roll over onto your back. “But I should probably check on Ani and Ladson. This is the first time I’ve been gone all night and I don’t want them freaking out and putting the base on alert.”

               “Better put a shirt on then,” Poe teases. “If they do, this is probably the first place they’ll check.”

               You snort and pull the blankets up to your underarms and cross your arms over your chest as you huff. Poe just smiles as he looks down at you, and you can’t help but reassert the fact that he is far too nice, far too good. He’s looking at you the same way Kylo used to look at you, and you know right then and there that you need to end this once for all. As soon as Poe’s out the door you scramble out of bed and throw your shirt on over your head, running your fingers through your thick hair as you glance around the room. Ordinarily, you would want to take the time to explore the room, to see another side of Commander Dameron a lot of people probably didn’t get to see, but if you played your cards right and did this fast, there would be plenty of time for that later.

               At first you head back to your room to check on Ani and Ladson, but you pause with your hand on the doorknob without even scanning your keycard. No, you had to do this now. If you were going to do this at all, it would have to be now. Seeing Ladson or Ani might cause a massive delay, and then what if Poe stopped by? Then you would never get the opportunity, and this had to be done now. Immediately, with haste, no more delays. You push away from the doorway with the balls of your feet and stride down to Kylo’s room as fast as you could possibly go, breathing in and out through your nostrils. You had to be firm about this. You couldn’t show any weakness; if you did, you knew he would sense it. You had to trust in the light side of the Force, trust in whatever Poe saw when he was looking at you, as if you were something precious to be valued.

               And damn right you were, and you were not going to waste your life pining over Kylo Ren when there was another fantastic guy willing to offer you and your son so much more than you could have ever hoped for. You had to be stronger than the Force bond, stronger than whatever feelings you had for Kylo. If you had ever been truly tested in your life, it was going to be now. You had this one opportunity to take back your life and to make it your own, and you were going to do it and never look back, not once, not ever again. Hopefully your natural affinity for luck was on your side, although luck would only take you so far. As always, you were going to have to do the rest of it yourself.

               You stride inside his cell with purpose, arms swinging at your sides as the doors part with the power of the Force. You step inside to see Kylo sitting with his back against the wall, hands at his sides, watching you as you come in. “And so she returns,” he muses under his breath, as if it’s a joke that’s not really all that funny.

               “For the last time,” you say sternly, almost but not quite glaring, and Kylo narrows his eyes as he appraises you.

                “Yeah?” Kylo asks, seemingly satisfied by what he sees as he looks away from you again. “We’ll see.”

               “I slept with Poe last night.” You practically spit the words on the floor in front of him, and Kylo turns to look at you, a mixture of emotions across his face. Jealousy, hurt, anger; all reflected in his dark eyes, and you catch yourself biting your lip and force yourself to stop. No, you would not let yourself look weak, or hesitant, or unsure. You had to be confident, that’s what Poe had always told you, right? You had to have confidence in yourself. You had to believe in yourself like all of your friends did.

               Kylo just laughs at you, but it’s a soft, pitiful sound that tugs on your heartstrings. “You know I’m locked in here,” he says as he turns to face you. “So that’s how you attempt to make me jealous? By sleeping with the pilot?”

               “I didn’t do it to make you jealous,” you say incredulously, and honestly, as the thought had never once crossed your mind. “I did it for me, because I am over you.” Kylo sits up and starts walking towards you, but you refuse to be intimidated as you take a few steps back until your back is against the wall. “Whatever we had before, it’s gone now. You’re a prisoner here, and it’s not going to work out, and that’s beside the point, because I can’t forgive you for what you’ve done. I don’t have feelings for you anymore; it’s as simple as that.”

               “Really?” Kylo asks. His face is dangerously close to yours now, and you’re worried he’s going to kiss you when suddenly he puts his hands on either side of your head. You flinch instinctively, but you don’t have time to protect yourself as a jolt of pain rushes through you, and you watch the images of last night and this morning flit through your brain. You push him off of you, and Kylo steps back as his lips twist into a triumphant sneer. “I knew you didn’t really sleep with him.”

               “Look again,” you snap angrily. “But thanks for reasserting why I can’t be with you anymore. Even if Poe had the Force, he would never just grab hold of my memories simply because he could. And if you were really paying attention, you would see that I _did_ sleep with him, I just didn’t fuck him.”

               “Because of me.” Kylo is gloating in front of you now, and you can feel hot, wet tears brimming in your eyes. Did he not understand how much this was tearing you apart? Did he not care about how much this was hurting you? You felt anger strike through you, hot and ugly, like a scar running up your middle, slicing you in two, and suddenly, you don’t hold back, you don’t want to hold back anymore, and you embrace your anger.

               “I hate you,” you scream, your voice rough and raw with emotion. “I hate you so much because I want to be with Poe, I really fucking do, and yet I can’t stop thinking about you, because I am so _drawn_ to you and I don’t know if it’s the Force bond or what but I need to be strong enough to control it. I have to stop thinking about you, and I can’t, and every time I try, no matter what I’m doing, all of my thoughts link back to you in some way because-“

               “Because you’re mine.” Kylo seals the space between you and kisses you, passionately, his large hands on either side of your face as he presses his body up against yours. You want him, you hate that you want him, and yet you allow yourself to lose yourself in him momentarily. You’re so angry you kiss him back with all the force you can muster, arms wrapping themselves around his neck, and you can feel desire pooling in your core before you turn your anger back on yourself and push him away from you at his shoulders. “Because you’re mine,” Kylo repeats firmly. “Because you’re mine and you always will be.”

               “No,” you say, just as firmly, shaking your head from side to side as you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand. “No, I can’t be yours, and I don’t want to be.” Kylo just chuckles as he looks away, like your protests are cute antics to get his attention, and nothing more. “I don’t want to be with you anymore,” you shout at him, trying to get it through his thick skull. “I have friends here. I have Rey and Finn and Poe and Ladson and Ani loves it here. Shouldn’t you want this for me, if you cared even a little bit? Can you really not see that I can have a happy life here? If you loved me at all, wouldn’t you at least want that for me?”

               Kylo shakes his head and doesn’t say anything. “I should have known you couldn’t be selfless, not even for me,” you spit angrily, the regret palpable in your voice. “I guess it doesn’t matter though. Luke will be back soon, and then he’ll siphon your powers, and the Force bond between us will break. I won’t be drawn to you anymore, and I won’t have to feel so guilty about this.”

               “You feel guilty because you love me,” Kylo says, although his previous gloating is gone. He looks nervous, and uncertain, and you’re not sure if that makes it better or worse.

               “You’re right,” you admit, feeling your anger slip out of you like water down a drain. “You’re right, Kylo, I do love you.” He looks back up at you. “I’m sorry. I love you, but I can’t see you anymore. It’s taking too much out of me. There’s no future for us, and even if there was-“

               “You’re just saying this because the pilot-“ Kylo starts, but you hold up your hand to stop him.

               “I spent five years of my life waiting for you,” you tell him, and you’re almost surprised by how strong you feel right now. “Five whole years just waiting for you to come back, and you may have had your reasons, but you could have left the First Order and come back for us. Whatever reasons you have for why you didn’t may be reasons to you, but they’re just excuses to me. If you really wanted to make it work, you would have found a way.” You shake your head sadly. “And now the truth is that even if I wasn’t with Poe, I still wouldn’t want to be with you, and I mean that.” You’re not sure if you really do, but you force yourself to meet his eyes regardless. “I’m sorry I led you on before to get you here, I was confused, and I shouldn’t have. That was wrong of me, but I don’t want to be with you anymore. Please know I mean that.”

               “But you still love me-“ Kylo protests, as if he literally doesn’t understand how you could love someone and still not want to be with them.

               You give your head a quick little shake from side to side. “It’s not enough.”

               Kylo stands up as if he’s about to come toward you again, and so you just turn and leave the room, comforted momentarily by the knowledge that he can’t follow. Outside in the hallway, you take a deep breath and you’re pleased that you don’t cry, pleased that your hands aren’t shaking. In fact, you feel lighter, liberated. This was it. It was done, it was finally done. Suddenly you feel a sinking sense of despair rise from inside your chest, and you know for a fact that this is coming from Kylo and not from you. You close your eyes and stand in the middle of the hallway and concentrate on meditating, taking deep breaths in and out as you slowly picture a bubble forming around your body, blocking off any and all external influences.

               When you open your eyes again, the feeling of despair is gone, but instead it’s replaced by a feeling akin to dread, and you don’t want to be standing there anymore than you have to. Instead, you almost race your way back to your room, happy to see Ladson and Ani sitting inside the living room. “Where’ve you been?” Ladson asks. “We were wondering what happened to you.”

               “She was with Poe,” Ani says, and you’re pleased to see him spinning his staff around over and over again in his hands. He was a natural with a staff, and you were pleased at this moment to see that you saw Ani when you looked at him, and not Kylo Ren. If anything, his natural skill with a staff proved that he was more your son than Kylo’s, and you were hoping that more of your positive traits would assert themselves as he grew older.

               “Your spirit friends tell you that Ani?” you ask as you sit beside him, but Ani just shakes his head.

               “He left the cafeteria and went back for you.” Ani looks at Ladson and then lowers his voice to a whisper as he leans over and whispers in your ear. “We think Poe likes you.”

               “Oh yeah?” you ask as a smile pulls at the corners of your lips. “And do you like Poe?” Ani pauses for a moment, thinking, before he bobs his head up and down. “That’s great,” you chuckle as you run a hand through his hair. “He likes you too, in fact, he wants to take us flying out around D’Qar this week. Would you be up for that?”

               “Yeah,” Ani says excitedly, and you can’t help but smile, as you look towards Ladson.

               “This is good,” he says, nodding his head approvingly. “You look-“ He tilts his head to the side. “I don’t know, different. Lighter.”

               You glance towards the side quickly but Ani is still playing with his staff so you raise your hands in the air. _I slept next to Poe last night but nothing happened. I was still stuck on Kylo. I saw him today. It’s done now. Finished. Over._ You can’t think of any more signs that signify that whatever was between you and Kylo was done so you just seal it with a period in the air, pressing your index and thumb together as you hold it to your lips before punctuating it firmly in the air.

               Ladson just smiles at you as he gives you a thumbs up. _Poe_ , he spells. _Are you two official now or what?_

               You just shrug, and it’s at that exact moment that Poe chooses to walk into the room, and you realize stupidly that you hadn’t fully closed the front door behind you. “Hey there,” he says with a grin, and he wastes no time coming into the room and bends down to kiss you in greeting.

               “Hey,” you reply as you smile back up at him, and you can feel a heat rise in your cheeks as Ladson gives you a cheeky grin. He raises one hand in the air, as if trying to catch a bug flying across the front of his face.

_GUESS – YES._

               _I’m guessing that’s a yes_ , Ladson says in two quick signs, bobbing his wrist up and down.

               _H-E-Y,_ Poe spells out as he turns to face him. _I. understand. You._ The signs are a bit clumsy, but they’re there, and Ladson raises his eyebrows in surprise.

               “You’ve seriously been teaching him?” Ladson asks in surprise. “But you’re an awful teacher. You couldn’t even teach Ani.”

               Poe laughs as he sits down on the chair behind you, and you scoot so that your back is against his leg. “No, I happen to be a fantastic teacher,” you say. “It’s just that Sadie was better than me.” You poke Ani in the side with the tip of your foot. “Isn’t that right, Ani?”

               “No,” Ani says cutely, continuing to play with his staff, and Ladson and Poe laugh in unison as Poe runs his hand along the top of your head. You close your eyes for a moment as you relish the sensation, and for the first time you feel better than you had in ages. You’re no longer conflicted, no longer wrestling with yourself to try to choose between the light side and the dark. You didn’t need to choose. When you were around Kylo, you would always be dark, and when you were around Poe, you would always be light, and you knew Rey would help you work to keep it that way. You finally felt a comfortable sense of balance, a calm sense of peace that you hadn’t felt in years.

               “Hey,” Poe says suddenly, looking at Ladson. “When I was walking through the halls, I saw-“

               “Stop,” Ladson says quickly, and you lean your head back against Poe’s knee to look up at him.

               “Who’d you see?” you ask.

               “Don’t tell,” Ladson says firmly, and Poe just cracks a grin as he looks between you.

               You snap your head forward towards Ladson, your jaw dropping in shock. “You ass, you never told me you found somebody.”

               “You were on a daredevil mission of life or death,” Ladson says, shaking his head. “I don’t know, it never seemed like the right time-“

               “You ass,” you scoff as you jump towards him, smacking his arm lightly. “Who is it? Tell me his name.”

               “How do you know it’s a he?” Ani asks, tilting his head to the side, as if he genuinely doesn’t understand, and Ladson and Poe both laugh as you crawl over to him.

               “Do you know something Ani?” you ask. “Come on, you can tell me.”

               “No,” Ani says simply, and that makes Poe and Ladson laugh even harder.

               “No you won’t tell me?” you ask incredulously. “Or no you don’t know?”

               “No,” Ani repeats, twirling the staff around and around, and you give up as you crawl back over to Poe, climbing onto his lap and throwing your legs off the side of the chair so you can rest your head against his shoulder.

               “Everyone’s so mean to me,” you pout, and Poe just smirks as he kisses your temple.

               “Please, we’re just the right amount of mean you need in your life,” Ladson says. “It would be boring without it.”

               “Boring?” you laugh, as you sit up on Poe’s knee. “No, you want to know boring?” You lay back again so you have a good view between Poe and Ladson. “Did I ever tell you about the time we were locked in a meeting room together on the Starkiller Base?”

               “Do not tell him that story,” Ladson says as he gets to his knees.

               “He had a flask with Alderaanian wine,” you explain, pointing to him and talking animatedly with your hands. “And we were talking about how Sadie had such a massive crush on him, and, oh wow, it was so great, I was being such an asshole-“

               “I can almost guarantee that only a very small part of you is an asshole,” Ladson quips, and you snort laughter out through your nose. Poe lets out a snort, but you and Ladson are laughing so hard your eyes are burning with tears that are threatening to spill down your face and even Ani looks up to look between the two of you.

               “I don’t get it,” Ani says quietly, and that only makes you laugh harder.

               “Oh man,” Ladson says, wiping his face with the back of his hand when he’s calmed down. “That was the _best_.”

               “This kid-“ You point to Ladson as you look back at Poe and shake your head. “First time we met Kylo Ren-“

               “Oh my-“

               “Shut up,” you hiss at Ladson. “The very, very first time I ever met Kylo Ren was the very first day we got there. B picked me and Ladson to meet the Tortutaru and give introductions, and so we got there, right, into their command center or whatever? And they’re all talking with General Hux and Kylo Ren and I’m staring at the mask and I’m trying to figure out if there’s an alien under there or something-“

               “You thought there were tentacles under that mask,” Ladson reminds you.

               “Shut up,” you repeat. “Anyway, so he stops right in front of me, and he’s just staring at me and he asks for my name, and then I tell him, and then he just stares at me and walks away and Ladson grabs my arm and he says-“ You turn to him suddenly. “What did you say again?”

               “I don’t remember saying anything,” Ladson tells you. “Honestly I think I grabbed your arm because I thought you were going to pass out from the fear.”

               “Please,” you say as you roll your eyes. “Name one time when I was _ever_ afraid of Kylo Ren.”

               “Well when he-“ Ladson’s eyes suddenly go to Ani, and he puts one hand around his neck to simulate a choking gesture.

               “Please,” you repeat as you roll your eyes again. “I tried fighting him off and then once he realized he wasn’t getting what he wanted out of me, he stopped and I called him a coward.”

               “You really called him a coward?” Poe asks incredulously. “After he almost, you know?”

               You just shrug. “I’m just very brave I guess.”

               “Or very stupid,” Ladson chimes in.

               “I prefer brave,” Poe says, glancing over at him before looking back at you, and you press your lips against his in a quick, happy kiss. Honestly, you couldn’t remember the last time you had ever talked about Kylo this way, back to when you had first met him, as if it was no more than a fleeting memory that didn’t really mean that much to you. You were surprised at how easily you were able to talk about what had transpired on the Starkiller Base without any pain at all associated with the memory of what could have been.

               “It’s so weird,” you say as you intertwine your fingers with Poe’s. “None of that really means anything to me anymore. Like, it happened, but I wouldn’t take any of it back now.” You drop your voice as you look over at Poe. “If none of that had happened, I wouldn’t have met Rey. Or Finn. Or you.”

               “Oh please,” Ladson says loudly as you brush your nose against Poe’s. “This is so adorable I’m going to be sick. Please tell me you’re with me on this one, right, Ani?”

               “I like Poe,” Ani says simply, and you suddenly realize why Ani hadn’t been paying much attention to you. He had been spinning his staff around and around again, counting how many times he could spin it around without dropping it, much like you had done when you had first got it. He may have showed many of Kylo’s traits early on, but you realized now that his tantrums and his looks were only superficial traits. He was your child in every way that really mattered.

               “And I like you too, buddy,” Poe replies. “How about this week I take you and your mom out flying around D’Qar. Would you like that?”

               “Can I fly?” Ani asks excitedly, finally giving up on counting and putting the staff down.

               “Of course you can,” Poe says, sending a wink in his direction. “You can sit in your mom’s lap and help us steer.”

               And that’s how, a few days later, you and Ani and Poe ended up in the transport shuttle as you flew around D’Qar’s atmosphere close to sunset, watching the sky light up with color. Poe disabled the co-pilot controls, but it hardly bothered Ani as he worked both levers furiously in his hands, pretending that they actually did something. “This is so beautiful,” you say as you let your chin rest on top of Ani’s head, looking at the streaks of color that seemed to bleed into one another. Ani didn’t seem to have much appreciation for it, but you did, and you weren’t quite sure why. You had never been one for landscapes, or the aesthetics of scenery, but maybe now that you weren’t in a constant state of stressing for your survival or your future, you could take the time to enjoy all the little splendors of life that you had overlooked before.

               “Yeah, you are,” Poe says, shooting a wink in your direction, and you can’t help but roll your eyes as a blush takes over your face. You reach for his hand and he takes it, wrapping his warm fingers around your own, and for a moment you close your eyes and take in the warmth of his touch, and the smell of Ani sitting in your lap, and it feels right; it feels like home. _This_ feels like home, like you finally had everything figured out. You finally had the happy little family that you always wanted…

               …and nothing cemented this more than when you got back to base, and Ani asked to see Poe’s room. As soon as the door opened, Ani rushed in and his mouth dropped in childish awe as he looked up at the bunk bed. Without even asking for permission, he was already racing up the ladder and onto the bed, looking out at the room from his perch. “I want to stay up here _forever_ ,” he said, his voice hushed with awe, and you just laughed as Poe swooped down to kiss the side of your neck. He had let you stay that night, and you and Poe lay on the bottom bunk, looking up at Ani who was more than content to dangle his head over the edge as he leaned down to talk to you about how he was going to make a band with Chewie and BB-8, using Chewie’s growls, and BB-8’s beeps, and his staff as a drumstick to make a concert for the whole base as a thank you for letting you live there for as long as you wanted.

               Ani fell asleep talking, snoring soundly above you, and Poe lay with his arms wrapped securely around you as you laid there in the darkness, listening to the rhythmic sounds of his breathing. “You raised an amazing kid,” he tells you quietly. “All things considered.”

               “Yeah, well, I had help,” you say with a quiet laugh. “Sadie and Ladson really did all the work.”

               “You are far too modest for your own good,” he says teasingly as he kisses you gently.

               “And you’re too cocky for your own good,” you reply, and he laughs in earnest at that one.

               “That’s fair,” he says at length. “But I guess it means we balance each other out nicely.”

               “I guess so,” you say, and you run your thumb against his cheek as you kissed him one last time before you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep.

               Not everything had to be between light and dark. Not everything had to be a life or death struggle for survival. Not everything had to be subterfuge and ulterior motives, with someone constantly trying to get the upper hand. There would be times, you would learn, when you could just _be_ , when you didn’t have to worry about Ani’s safety, or what dangers or perils tomorrow would bring. There were times when you could simply relax and enjoy the moment, enjoy the company of the people you were with, and simply be thankful that you met them, simply be thankful that they were in your life at all, even for what seemed like the briefest of moments. You could thank destiny for bringing you together, but destiny, it seemed, was a double-edged sword, for that would be the very thing you would blame if it ever tore you apart.

               Deep down, this had always been what you had wanted. You wanted to have a family, a stable, happy family, where you could fall asleep every night being held and knowing that you were loved, unconditionally, flaws and all, and where Ani could have a stable upbringing where he could flourish into the great man you always knew he was destined to be. It was so strange to finally get what you wanted without having to worry about what would happen next that it allowed you to slip into a false sense of comfort, a deceptive sense of security that you didn’t expect to be broken, simply because you had not been paying attention to the subtle signs all around you.

               Rey had told you a very sage piece of advice when you had entered her Green Room for the very first time: _Life doesn’t always work out the way we expect, or want._ At this point in time, this piece of advice would hardly have mattered to you. You felt like you had everything that you wanted, that your life couldn’t possibly get any better than where you were at now. You were simply waiting for Rey and Finn and Luke to return so that the lot of you could get together and celebrate a proper victory, so you could properly thank everyone for their role in making your life as good as you deemed it could possibly be.

               You were beginning to think that your story, for once, would have a happy ending. And you were oh, so mistaken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of notes today!! 
> 
> 1\. Thanks to the most perfect person in all of the universe, [dacianamusik23](http://dacianamusik23.tumblr.com/), the Spotify playlist is now up and running!! You can click [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/dacianamuzik23/playlist/10bK34U5zo1n7c7DWo8bbT) to listen to it directly on Spotify, or you can click [here](http://dacianamusik23.tumblr.com/post/142178857561/signs-and-smoke-signals-a-playlist-by) to see the official Tumblr post she made with a direct link at the top, which also features a thank you for everyone's song suggestions. Remember, the story isn't over and the playlist encompasses the whole trilogy, so if you happen to think of a song you'd like to see, you can just add it in the comments below or send it over to her directly on Tumblr. <3 
> 
> 2\. In honor of tomorrow being Tuesday, April 5th, AKA, my Star Wars blu-ray finally comes in from pre-order, I have a special surprise planned to celebrate. When I first had the idea for this story, I wanted to test out my writing skills by writing out a ridiculously smutty Kylo Ren one-shot which I passed around to a few people who basically told me that I _had_ to write Flare after they read it because they wanted more. To be fair, I've never posted it, never shown it to anyone else, never incorporated it into the story in any way...but that's about to change tomorrow when I release it as a one-shot, basically in honor of SWTFA and as a thank you for sticking with the story for this long. Just like the rest of the prompts I've written, I'll include a link to it at the bottom of tomorrow's chapter, so be sure to check that out!! I think a lot of you will really like it...especially after you see what I've got planned in store for you tomorrow......... ;) Until then, cheers!!
> 
> 3\. Wait, hold up. Real fast, just need to say, I've been waiting to write that "break-up" for a while, just because she needs him to really understand how much what he did hurt her but Kylo is _definitely_ not going anywhere!! ....so, yeah, don't be concerned!! TWO CHAPTERS LEFT, PEOPLE. GET READY FOR IT!! xD
> 
> 4\. I just realized we have finally passed the 200k word mark!! Woohoo!! I wrote another 150k word fanfiction for another fandom in the beginning of January, and then I wrote part 1, which was another 150k starting in late January, and then I cranked out part 2, and I've also written over 100k words for part 3...and it's still just the beginning of April!! I don't know how I'm doing it, but I'm starting to think that I might literally be part machine.....or maybe the Force really is with me... xD


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I sort of got roped into writing this chapter by one of my IRL friends who has been helping me with this story from the very beginning and she's never asked me for anything except this one chapter, and so I went back and added it in. 
> 
> I dedicate this chapter to you, Ash, and to [dacianamusik23](http://dacianamusik23.tumblr.com/) and to anyone and everyone who really wanted a NSFW Poe Dameron chapter. Consider this your final hurrah before shit goes down tomorrow. ;) For anyone who is like, "Um? Kylo story? Where's my Kylo smut?" I've got you covered as well. Check out the notes at the bottom of the page for a special gift. ;)

               “Would it be weird if I got you something?”

               You and Poe were both lying on his bed, not really making out, just sort of lying there together, while Ani was off doing something with Ladson. It was nice to just spend time talking with him, not making out, not being physically intimate, just enjoying the fact that he was _there._ It was nice to just have someone to hold you at night, for no other reason than he wanted to.   

               “That depends,” you reply as you prop yourself up on one elbow. “Is this more wine? Because, if I recall, that didn’t really go over so well the last time.”

               “No, it’s not more wine,” Poe says with a chuckle as he scoots away from you to get off the bed.

               You pout as you move into the spot that he had recently vacated, a smile spreading to your face as you realize how warm it is, and you press your back against it as your head slips into the indent in the pillow that his head had previously occupied.

               Poe talks as he crosses the length of the room, opening the top drawer of a dresser as he does so. “So I found this a while ago-“ he says as he digs through the drawer, messily tossing things left and right. “-and I really liked it, but I didn’t know what to do with it.” He’s silent for a moment as he digs around, and you arch an eyebrow as you stare at his back, wondering what he could possibly be talking about. “So I talked to some people and they helped fix it up for me, but I had no one special to give it to.” He pauses and you can see him pick up something small in his hands. “Until now.”

               He smiles at you as he turns back around, something small sealed in between both of his clasped hands. His usual cocky smile is betrayed by something unrecognizable in his eyes, and if you’re right, he almost looks a bit nervous. You bite your lip as you stare back, trying to figure out what he had decided to give you. He hesitates for a moment as he sits down beside you on the bed and unclasps his hands to reveal a small stone, about an inch and a half long and a quarter inch thick. It’s a beautiful dark blue stone, although the blue looked almost purple as the light hit it, almost a soft, periwinkle shade of blue. Most of the stone, though, was filled with jagged black cracks that were interspersed with streaks of the periwinkle blue, although spider-like veins of white ran like lightning throughout the stone, intersecting the seemingly random patch of blue and black to make an almost eclectic patchwork design.

               “It’s, uh, sodalite,” Poe tells you, and you can actually hear the nervousness in his voice. That was a wonder in itself. For once, he wasn’t his normal over-confident self, and you couldn’t help but be secretly pleased that you were the one thing that seemed to rattle his usual self-assured self. “I think.”

               “It’s pretty,” you say, running a fingertip across the stone. It’s smooth, ridiculously smooth, as if it had been polished down until it was as smooth as glass. You run your fingertips along the sides to feel an almost but not quite rough sort of netting stitch around the stone that held it in place, although you couldn’t decide if the color was more silver or more brown. It looked brown at first glance, but it seemed to almost glint with a metallic shine in the light, making it appear almost silver. It was stitched all the way around the stone where it came to a single small stitched loop at the top, where a velvety black cord had been looped through it, tied in the back with a single knot.

               “Um, here,” Poe says, and you bow your head forward as he leans closer and slips it around your neck. He leans back a little bit, still nervously gnawing on his lower lip as he appraises you. You adjust the black cord so that the knot is in the back, and the stone slips down perfectly between your breasts. You can see now at this angle that it looks almost like a perfect oval, but it’s not, not quite, as the top of it is just a bit narrower, almost coming into a soft, rounded teardrop shape.

               “This is really beautiful,” you say as you turn it over and over again in your hands. You run your fingertips over the cord, feeling the consistency in your fingertips. It had appeared to be softer when you first touched it, but now that it was around your neck, you could feel little grooves and indentations that seemed so familiar, and yet you couldn’t quite place it. “What’s the cord made out of?”

               “Um…” Poe seems to hesitate for a moment, but you don’t notice as you turn it over and over again in your hands, trying to figure out what the texture reminded you of.

               “Is this a lace from your boot?” you ask suddenly, and you can see Poe’s jaw drop open as he’s quick to launch into an explanation.

               “I looked,” he says quickly. “I looked all over the base, but I don’t know, I couldn’t find anything that, well, that I thought really went with it. I mean, there’s plenty of silver and metal lying around, but I didn’t think that really worked, and-“ You sit up suddenly and you press a kiss against his lips to stop him from talking, rubbing your nose against his as you pull away. “So, you really like it, huh?”

               “I do,” you tell him as you look down at it again. You’re blushing, and grinning, and for once, you don’t mind it at all. You look back up at him as you bite your lip, pleased to see your own expression of giddy excitement reflected in his eyes. “And I like that you used your boot lace. It’s, it’s interesting. Unique. Creative. It makes it special.”

               “It is,” Poe says excitedly. “The stone, I mean. I’m told that those stones are supposed to be good for all sorts of things, like intuition or just to increase mental acuity or even to help focus your emotions, and so I figured, considering your Force abilities, it might help you with that.”

               You turn it over in your fingertips again as you puff out your cheeks. “I think I’m going to have to add thoughtful to your ever-growing list of positive qualities,” you tell him.

               “Thoughtful wasn’t already on there?” he asks teasingly.

               “I think it sort of fell into the realm of _kind_ ,” you say thoughtfully. “But now I think it needs its own separate category.”

               “So you like it?” Poe asks eagerly, and you purse your lips as you look up at him.

               “You know I do,” you reply teasingly. “But if you’re going to ask me that all night I may just have to go back to my place or I’m never going to get any sleep.”

               “Please,” Poe says as he tosses himself down beside you, and you giggle as you roll out of the way in time to avoid being crushed. “I don’t think I could get you to leave even if you wanted to. My bed is just that comfortable.”

               “Or maybe I just don’t want to leave,” you reply as you intertwine your legs together as you kiss him firmly on the lips. “Maybe I’ll just sleep here from now on.”

               “I might be strangely okay with that,” Poe replies as he runs his fingers through your hair, and you can’t help but revel in the sensation of Poe’s touch, which was quickly becoming familiar to you. The only problem was that this touch was a little different from all the others that came before it. He hadn’t particularly touched you in any different sort of way, but this touch suddenly felt charged with electricity, as if there was a current moving through him to you. You close your eyes and just embrace it for a moment, and as Poe’s hand stills in your hair, you know he feels it too.

               “I think I’m ready,” you say after a moment, and for once, you feel ready. Your mind isn’t racing, it’s quiet, and you’re ready. This was the right decision, this was what you wanted, you were sure of it.

               “You sure?” Poe asks, but the question strikes you as funny as you roll over to face him.

               “I am positive,” you tell him as you press your lips against his, running your thumb across the rough stubble of his cheek. “And, I mean, I’ll prove that to you, if you want.”

               Poe just laughs as he rolls over on top of you, and you can’t help but let out a small groan of appreciation as you buck your hips up against his, wrapping your legs around his waist. His lips find yours and he gives your bottom lip a firm tug before he works his way to your neck, kissing and licking as he goes, not quite using his teeth, but applying a light amount of sucking as he moves along the tender hollow in the very front of your neck. Honestly, you’re a bit curious to see if it’s enough pressure to leave a mark on you, but as soon as he stops and drags his tongue along the curve of your jaw, you know he’s teasing you, and you quickly take the opportunity to do some damage of your own.

               You lean forward and yank the collar of his shirt aside as you bite down into the base of his neck, holding back just a bit, and you can hear Poe let out a small breath as he winced in pain. “Easy,” he says lightly. “No marks, if you can help it.”

               “If I can help it?” you say as you hook your fingers into the bottom of his shirt and help lift it over his head. That sounded like a challenge to your ears. “And what happens if I do? Are you going to punish me for it?”

               Poe closes his eyes briefly in silent appreciation and you take the time to jerk your shirt off over your head, throwing it casually to one side as you fluff out your hair. Poe’s eyes open again, locking on yours before daring himself to look down to your chest. “Oh, so now you want to look?” you ask teasingly, as you climb into his lap and run your fingers through his thick, curly hair.

               “Are you always this much fun?” Poe asks as he pulls at your bottom lip again, and you forcefully grind your hips into his, spurring him on.

               “Oh, I’m always this much fun,” you murmur as you abandon his neck and decide to tug on his earlobe with your teeth. “Haven’t you noticed? You’re the one who’s been putting up with me in the cockpit for the last few months.”

               “Not the…word I’d…use,” Poe murmurs as he trails kisses down your neck and bare shoulder, and you whimper and moan loudly as you press your lips against his temple, running the tip of your nose against the side of his warm skin, trying to inhale every inch of him.

               Poe pushes you back down on the bed as he starts to unbutton his pants and you quirk an eyebrow as you look up at him. “Well, you waste no time,” you say teasingly, and Poe gives you a look that you could quite clearly label as affronted.

               “Oh, I’m just getting started,” he assures you as he loosens the drawstring on your own pants and gives them a firm tug. He pulls them down off of you, and you do your part by trying to kick your ankles free of the fabric, tossing them off the side of the bed as Poe takes you into his mouth. You moan in appreciation, one hand fisting in his hair while the backs of your fingers stretch out over the cool fabric of his pillowcase.

               “You like this?” Poe asks as he kisses and sucks at your sensitive clit, using way more tongue than you were used to. That wasn’t a bad thing by any means.

               “If I say no, will you stop?” you ask teasingly, and Poe just lets out an appreciative grunt as he picks up the pace, making you squirm with need beneath him. “Holy _fuck_.”

               “There we go.” Poe proceeds to assault your sweet spot with his mouth unmercifully, and you take the opportunity to bring your head up and smash it into the back of the pillow to keep yourself from telling him to shut up. You begin to whine as you feel yourself building closer, and Poe suddenly abandons his steady rhythm as he sticks a finger inside of you, your slick juices instantly coating his fingers as he pumps them rapidly in and out of you. “Fuck, you really like this, don’t you?”

               “Just slightly,” you say as you sit up and pull his lips towards yours, bracing both hands against the back of his neck so he can’t pull away. You take the opportunity to try to free his erection from his pants, and Poe breaks contact and gets up quickly so he can pull them off. “Waiting,” you say, biting your lip as you appraise his naked form.

               “Some things are worth waiting for,” Poe says simply, and you can’t help but screw up your face in laughter. It was too cheesy, too ridiculous, and yet Poe pushes his mouth against yours to keep you from laughing and right as your lips meet he pushes into you, not quite roughly, but enough to make your back arch off the bed as you felt yourself adjust to his girth.

               “Holy fuck.” Your voice sounds borderline emotional and desperate as you wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck. You press your mouth against his in a sloppy, open-mouthed kiss as you pant and jerk your hips up against his, spurring him on, trying to quicken the rhythm. Poe grunts as he starts to move faster and you sit up suddenly, pushing him back a little as you kiss him, making sure the bed had enough clearance so you didn’t hit your head as you pushed yourself up and down on his dick, his hands finding your waist to hold you steady.

               His lips find your neck and he murmurs something into your soft skin but you can’t really make out what he’s saying over the sound of your heavy breathing. Fuck, you wanted this. Everything about this was turning you on, the way your nipples brushed up against his firm chest, the sound he made low in his throat when he kissed you, the way his hands moved against your skin, firm and calloused and strong, handling you as he might handle one of the many ships he was quite clearly an expert at navigating. And for the love of fuck, that turned you on too. He wasn’t just a stupid pilot who learned how to fly by reading an instruction manual. He had learned technical theories and formulas and it was so obvious that he knew what he was doing, that he didn’t just memorize all of this, that he really understood it, and condensed in such a simple way that he was able to pass it on to you, without even making it sound like he was showing off at all. It was strange how you weren’t just physically attracted to him. You were, clearly, but he was also so ridiculously smart and he was funny, and he had the best sense of humor about him and he was kind and giving and faultless.

               And you had no idea what the hell he was doing fucking you, but you were humbled enough that he would even consider you half as good as he was to be able to fuck him, and for a moment you wanted to see yourself the way that Poe saw you, but you couldn’t, not when you were building this fast as you sunk your fingertips into his upper arms as you squeezed, feeling yourself find your release around him. He follows just a minute after you do, and you rest your head on his shoulder and allow yourself to snuggle as close to him as possible, wrapping your arms around his middle in a gentle, but secure, embrace. In that moment, Poe felt like everything you ever wanted, and you had him, and for a moment you let yourself believe that you would spend the rest of your life with him and Ani on the Resistance base. You would have a future with him here, you knew you would; this was something that had started slowly, but it was right, and it was real, and you couldn’t imagine any way that this could ever end.

               “Nothing to say now, huh?” Poe asks as he gently kisses the side of your neck, but he sounds as tired and winded as you are, and you just let out a little laugh as you press your lips into his shoulder.

               “You smell nice,” you murmur, and Poe pauses for a moment as he takes in what you’re saying before he laughs, running his hand through your hair as he eases you back down on the pillow. You press your lips gently against his for a moment before you snuggle back into him, relishing how secure you feel in his arms. It had finally happened. You had finally fucked Poe Dameron, and you were all right with it. No, you were more than all right with it. You were happy.

               You hear Poe mumble something about something, and although you’re too tired to hear exactly what he said, your ears do pick up something about a _next time_ and secretly you can’t help but let a bubble of elation rise through your chest. “Next time I’m not going to hold back,” you warn him. “Next time I’m going to bite the literal shit out of you.”

               “That sounds unpleasant,” Poe muses, and it takes you a moment to register what you said before you giggle into the crook of his arm, resting your cheek against the warmth of his chest. “And you can bite me, just not there.” He adjusts himself slightly so he can get a good look at you. “We never know when the Republic is going to pop by for an inspection so I can’t run the risk of putting the General in a position where she’d have to defend my honor, but feel free to mark me anywhere beneath the collar so you know I’m yours.”

               The words themselves take a second to kick in, but you process their meaning immediately. _So. You know. I’m yours._ You put them all together quickly, naturally, the way Poe had said them, and instead of whatever reaction he was hoping for, you just lean back your head and groan loudly. “You are too fucking perfect,” you moan as you stretch out against him, and he laughs, pressing a wet, slopping kiss against the side of your face.

               “I’ll take it you liked it then,” he says, seemingly satisfied as he lays back into the pillow. You had no idea which thing he was talking about, exactly, whether it was the stone or the sex or what, but if he had provided you with a checklist you would have just marked off everything.

               “Yes, I liked it and everything and you,” you tell him. “You especially.” The other three words float into the back of your head, and they might have floated into the back of his, you’re not sure, but you’re not in any hurry to say them. You and Poe had decided to take things slowly, much slower than you had taken them with Kylo Ren, at any rate, and maybe that was a big reason as to why the sex had been so good. You couldn’t say for sure, of course, but maybe the reason you took it slow and made sure you were right before each other before jumping in and getting sexually involved was the best course of action to make sure you would have a solid future together. With Kylo, you hadn’t thought that far ahead. The mantra of a six-month internship was still a familiar phrase in the back of your mind, but with Poe, there was no time limit. With Poe, you had your entire future ahead of you, and you wanted it to last forever. It should have alarmed a small part of you, really, that you couldn’t picture it ending, but at the same time, you were comfortable. You were happy. You had no reason to focus on such unhappy, melancholic thoughts when everything was going right. You had put in your time, you had suffered, and now you were finally reaping the rewards of all your hard work.

               Okay, so maybe there was no one out there holding the scales, maybe there was no such thing as karma, but at least the Force was providing you with a much-needed break, right? After all, if you hadn’t had Ani, you might not have even met Poe in the first place. Maybe this whole entire ordeal with Kylo Ren had been one long set up to get your happy ever after with a different guy. You would have scoffed at the idea back on the Starkiller Base, but now that you had actually lived through it, you could say that it was worth it.

               Poe was definitely worth it.

               But that didn’t mean Kylo Ren was ready to give you up just yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost feel guilty that my favorite smut scene isn't actually with Kylo Ren, but I suppose it is what it is. xD I do feel a bit weird throwing it in here, considering this is a Kylo Ren smut fic and all, but I think it can really be considered the calm before the storm and I think you'll understand why I called it a final hurrah after tomorrow's chapter. xD 
> 
> But yeah, I'm releasing today's chapter a lot earlier than usual because I have a certain box from Disney.com sitting by my feet that contains something super special and I can't wait to open it and I know once I do I'll be unproductive the rest of the day, which is why I'm posting this now. In honor of today's release, please enjoy my very, very first Kylo Ren smut fic. Click [here](http://streetsolo.tumblr.com/post/142298523817/prompt-releasing-my-very-first-kylo-ren-x-reader) to read it on tumblr or click [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6468130/chapters/14804356) to read it on ao3. Someone told me recently that they don't have a tumblr and it would be easier to read my prompts on ao3, so I started a "collection fic" where I can upload prompts and such that you can subscribe to so I can just upload prompts there as soon as I get to them (and yes I will still be posting them on Tumblr, too!) 
> 
> Okay, I think that's all the notes I have for today. TIME TO WATCH THOSE DELETED SCENES. HELL YEAH.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter of part 2, guys!! I just wanted to thank you all again for supporting me and sticking with this story. I received a lot of hate for the bit of Poe x Reader in the story, and while I know some of you liked it, hate is hate and it still sucks, so I appreciate your positive comments and support all the more. Again, huge thank you, massive hugs, and now lets get on with it. ;)

               Even after that, though, you and Poe still didn’t spend every night together. Neither of you wanted to rush things and ruin what you had both worked so hard to achieve. You had fallen into a comfortable rhythm with each other, a good sense of give and take, especially in regard to your sexual exploits, and when Poe assured you that everything was fine, you believed him with only the slightest bit of trepidation from your old habits holding you back. Poe had confidently asserted that communication was key in any relationship, and nothing would go wrong so long as you both communicated your needs effectively to each other. He had thought that your previous career as an interpreter would have made you a fantastic communicator, and you were, but only when other people were concerned. Still, you didn’t feel the need to explain to him that that was actually a paradox, that interpreters were typically horrible communicators when it came to their interpersonal relationships, simply because it didn’t matter. You were not an interpreter anymore, although you couldn’t quite figure out what exactly you were.

               Poe was a pilot. Finn was a weapons expert. Rey was a Jedi. But what were you? A mother? You knew the job was physically and mentally more demanding than it sounded, but you still couldn’t help but feel like you wanted to be _more_ than that. You wanted to have some use, some significance to the world, outside of your own little family unit. You wanted your actions to have consequences, you wanted your decisions to have weight, and you hoped that once Snoke had been defeated once and for all that you could talk to Leia about maybe training Ani and actually doing something within the Resistance, even if it was just some lowly, menial task. You were starting to feel cooped up on base, and you wanted to do something that made a difference. Poe would take you out on small delivery runs when he could, or just fly with you around D’Qar so that you could get out and keep up your piloting skills, but you couldn’t help but feel like you wanted a change of pace. Maybe when this was all over, you, he and Ani could take a vacation and run off to some beautiful planet at the edge of the galaxy and just relax, where you could feel the fresh, cool breeze blowing softly through your hair. You escaped to the Green Room as often as you could, but for some reason it felt different without Rey there, the trickling water eerie and the thick, humid air too oppressing.

               But all in all, you didn’t want to leave. You were happy where you were. You enjoyed the time you spent with Poe, and you were intimate with him in a way that you never were with Kylo. Sometimes, you, he, Ani and Ladson would just sit in the living room of your apartment and joke and talk and you would sit in his lap and he would caress you with idle, instinctual touches that you sometimes barely even noticed, simply because you had become that attuned to his presence. It was nice that you could be open with him, and you were comfortable enough that you could talk about everything and anything in his presence without any sort of fear of reprisal. You had never seen Poe get angry, and while you were sure he was capable of it as much as anyone, you had never noticed a drop of irritation from him, or even a hint of fear. No, his cocky sense of confidence masked any fear he might have had buried deep within him, but fear, anger, hatred, all the classic elements of the dark side, were all clearly lost on him, and you subtly hoped that being in his presence would make you immune to the dark side as well.

               You still felt its call, especially at night. The nights that you spent with Poe made it easier, as you could simply roll over and listen to his heartbeat to ground you, to assure you that you were right where you wanted to be, and beyond that, you were safe. Nights when you were alone were the hardest. There were some nights when you felt Kylo desperately bashing himself against the wall in your brain, eager to get in, to get some sort of connection, but you denied it to him. Leia had been by a handful of times to visit Ani, and while she had subtly implied that Kylo was anxious to see you, even going so far as to say it directly in front of Poe, you had simply shrugged your shoulders and said that, quite unfortunately, Kylo’s emotions were of no concern of yours. She understood, you knew she understood, but you still couldn’t help but pick up a trace of disappointment on her anyway. You didn’t think it was aimed at you, more towards the circumstance, and you couldn’t imagine how she must have felt to watch her only child do so much harm to those around him. Sensing her intangible sense of loss only furthered your resolve to give Ani the best kind of life you could, to make sure he would not be tempted by the mistakes of his father. Regardless of how you felt, though, you still allowed Leia to take Ani to visit his father. You didn’t know how long he would remain on base, and as long as Ani wanted to see him, then it was fine by you. You knew Ani only had a limited amount of time with his father, and you weren’t going to deny him that if he really wanted to see him.

               Luckily, though, you didn’t think you needed to worry much. Ladson was gone more and more now, off with some secret paramour he _still_ wasn’t letting you in on, although you couldn’t quite be sure why, and considering how vague he was being, it almost made you think that he was perhaps dating a genderless alien of some kind. You didn’t think you would care, if that was the case, but then again, you had no idea how you would react if you found out he was dating a droid or something, so you just let it go and figured that he would tell you when he was ready. Just because you and Poe didn’t mind public displays of affection didn’t mean that everyone else was the same way, and so you tried to tease Ladson about it only good-naturedly until he was ready to introduce you to his other half.

               Fortunately, though, Ladson’s absence and a general lack of fighting with the now almost completely dissolved First Order meant that Poe was around a lot more, and although he still had his own friends and activities on base that he attended to, he made sure that he always made time for you and Ani, even if it was just quickly stopping in before a long day for a kiss or some general display of affection. You figured he was doing it more for your sake than for his, making sure to make his fondness for you as tangible and explicit as possible to make sure you never had to question it, but you couldn’t have even if you wanted to. You could sense deep down that Poe was made of something good, something pure, and although there were times when you concluded that he was _still_ much too good for you, you just decided to accept that it was a rare stroke of luck and to just accept good things when they happened to you.

               He had already talked about taking Ani out flying when he was older, giving him proper piloting lessons like he had given you, and although the thought of Ani out flying a ship out on his own absolutely terrified you, you knew that sooner or later he was going to grow up, and you were lucky that he was in a position where he could take advantage of the resources all around him, learning how to use a blaster with Finn and improving his Force training with Rey. You figured that you could probably teach him how to use a staff more effectively, as he was starting to grow attached to that thing much as you had been. You were just happy that it no longer represented a gift from Phasma, or from Kylo. It had been with you so long that it had become an extension of yourself, and no longer held any sentimental affiliation with the Starkiller Base or the First Order. Even though only roughly ten days had passed since you had told Kylo off, you felt like an entirely new person, like you were finally in a position to come into your own and offer the world something now that you no longer had to worry about what the world was trying to take from you.

               Unfortunately, you still weren’t quite sure what that was, though, and as such you spent a great deal of time in your room simply meditating, trying to figure out if there were any sort of untapped skills that you had a secret inclination for but had yet to master. Your mind always seemed to go back to cooking, it seemed to be a useful survival skill that had so far eluded you, but considering how neither your apartment nor Poe’s room had a kitchen, you didn’t really think too much of it; it simply wasn’t necessary. So, instead, you just sat at the end of your bed and meditated, and waited for whatever secrets the universe chose to reveal to you.

                One night, though, you could sense that something was different, although you couldn’t be sure quite what. Ladson was out, somewhere, with his anonymous paramour, but that hardly bothered you. Instead, you just put Ani to bed and then crawled onto your own bed, still fully dressed, as you crossed your legs and meditated, trying to figure out what was bothering you. You couldn’t help but think about Kylo, and even though a part of you fought against the notion, you couldn’t help but think that he needed you in some way, and so against your better judgement you decided to visit him for the first time in almost two full weeks.

               The base seemed almost deserted as you made your way down to his room, although you still couldn’t be sure why you were going there at all. Your mind seemed oddly foggy, like your thoughts were fighting through a thin film just to connect themselves from wherever they manifested in the depths of your brain to your conscious mind. Kylo seemed almost anxious about something, and while you weren’t quite sure what he could possibly have to be anxious about, you didn’t think it had anything much to do with you. You hadn’t talked to him recently, hadn’t let your mind slip to even let him through, and unless Ani was telling him all sorts of things about you and Poe, you didn’t think there was any way you could be causing him this level of stress. No, but there was the possibility that it had to do with Snoke, though, and that was what compelled you to use the Force to open the doors that led to his cell.

               Kylo was standing inside, fully dressed, pacing back and forth, his hair slightly damp as if he had recently washed himself up in the sink. As you come in, he whirls around to face you, as if he hadn’t been expecting you, and his eyes almost seem to widen in surprise as he looks you up and down, as if trying to confirm that you were really there. You cross your arms over your chest and lean against the wall just inside the door, trying to remain cool but also staying right near the door in case you felt the need to make a quick exit. “Surprised to see me?” you ask coolly. “Were you expecting someone else?”

               “Surprised you actually came,” Kylo says, and while his face remains impassive, his voice is exceedingly gentle. “May I ask why you did come?”

               “I thought you needed something from me,” you tell him. There’s something different about him, something you can’t quite put your finger on. He seems almost excited, nervous, in a way that you had never quite seen him before. “Is there something you need?”

               “Your forgiveness,” Kylo says as he stops pacing to turn around to face you, and you tilt your head to the side as you consider him, perplexed. Kylo Ren was asking for your forgiveness? Now? After all this time? Did he know something that you didn’t? Was the Republic coming to take him away soon? Leia knew you didn’t really want to talk about him, but surely she would have mentioned that he would be leaving soon to allow you time to say your goodbyes, wouldn’t she? Unless she had just assumed that you had cut Kylo out of your life for good and his death would hardly have mattered to you. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you had grown accustomed to the Force bond, even if it was something you simply tolerated, and you weren’t quite sure how you would feel without it.

               “Why now?” you ask him. “Why after all this time? Does this have something to do with Snoke?”

               The corner of Kylo’s mouth twists up into a sad smirk. “So you feel it too.”

               “I feel _you_ ,” you say quickly. “You seem nervous. On edge. I’ve never really seen you like this before.” That wasn’t quite true. You had seen him like this on the day he sent you away from the Starkiller Base in order to protect you from Snoke, although you weren’t quite sure what that meant just now. “Have they done it? Has Snoke been defeated?”

               “He’s weak,” Kylo admits. “That scavenger has become extremely powerful. Between her and my uncle, I fear the worst.”

               You tilt your head to the side in confusion again. Snoke being defeated was good news to your ears, and it should have been to Kylo’s too. With Snoke gone, there wasn’t a chance of him corrupting Ani, although you could see why Kylo would have a bit more trepidation about it, considering when it was all said and done, Luke would be back to rob him of his Force powers and send him away to the Republic for judgement. For sentencing. For execution. For death. The thought troubles you more than you care to admit, and Kylo appraises you as he looks you up and down, sensing at least some of the emotions you were trying to shield from him.

               “You’re concerned for me,” he says quietly, and if you’re not mistaken, a bit incredulously, as if he can’t believe it himself. He looks up and shakes his head from side to side as he turns slightly away from you. “Even after everything with the pilot-“

               Your face flushes and you feel your hands clench into fists as you drop them down to your sides. “And what has Ani told you about that, exactly?”

               “Nothing,” Kylo replies as he turns back to look at you, and you can tell by the expression on his face that he honestly means it. Ani had honestly told him nothing about you and Poe, and you were at least thankful for that. “But I can feel you. I can feel you… _happy_.” He spits the last word out like it’s a dirty word, and for some reason you don’t feel angry. Instead, you just feel pity, like you want to console him. The reason you were out there with Poe was because Kylo had never come back for you, and while a part of you couldn’t bring yourself to forgive him for that, another part already had. It was more than likely that Kylo was going to die, and soon, and considering you didn’t know if you’d have a chance to see him before Luke and the others came back, you knew you should make the most of your time and try to at least resolve things before you left.

               “I wanted a family,” you tell him quietly. “I wanted a family with you, me, and Ani; I’ve wanted that for the longest time. Like, I would have given anything, absolutely anything to have that chance for the three of us to be together, but you turned your back on us. You left, and now you’re here and you have to suffer the consequences of what you’ve done. I want a family, better than I ever had growing up, and I want Ani to have parents, a mother and a father, even if that father’s not you. And I’m sorry for that, and a part of me wishes that things could be different, but they’re not and they’re not going to be, so I had to move on.”

               Kylo takes a step towards you, slowly, as if he’s afraid you’ll run away, but you stand your ground. Once he sees you’re not going anywhere, he opens his mouth to speak. “Do you remember what I asked you before?” he asks softly. “I asked you if I wasn’t a prisoner here, would you still choose to be with me?”

               You let out a sigh. Whether you really would or not, it didn’t make a difference now. You wrestle with yourself for a few moments, and you knew that from the privacy of this room, Poe wasn’t going to find out, would never find out, what you had said. Even if he had, he probably would have understood. Kylo was going to die, the more you thought about it, the more certain you were of that fact, and if you had the opportunity to offer him at least one small bit of comfort before you never saw him again, then you would provide him with that solace before he met his end.

               “I would.”

               Kylo’s in front of you almost instantly, and you don’t even have time to react as he pushes you back against the wall, his hands at your face as he pins you to the wall with his hips, kissing you fervently and desperately. It was almost a bit sad, if you were honest with yourself, and you made the conscious decision to kiss him back, running your hand along the nape of his neck and stroking his cheek with your thumb. You couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty, but then again, this would probably be the last time you were ever kissing Kylo Ren, and you couldn’t deny that at least some small part of you still cared for him, would always care for him. A small part of you would still want to be with him no matter what terrible things he had done, although you couldn’t help but wonder if you would feel differently once the Force bond was removed for good.

               Kylo deepens the kiss, and you get that immediate sense that he’s about to take things further as you pull away. “I’m sorry,” you say quickly, although Kylo’s lips are still hovering directly above your own. “I’m sorry but I can’t do _that_.” Kylo tilts his head to the side in confusion, as if he doesn’t understand what you’re trying to say. “I’m with Poe,” you explain softly. “Like, I’m _with_ him. We’re, I don’t know, involved. It wouldn’t be right.”

               “I forgive you,” Kylo tells you as he bends down to kiss your neck and you’re so lost in your confusion that you feel as though you’ve been totally sucked out of the moment when you had been so enraptured by the firm press of his lips against yours.

               “You forgive me?” you repeat quietly, and Kylo is almost breathless as he pulls away.

               “For being with him,” Kylo says, as if this should be obvious.

               You squirm out of his grip, suddenly uncomfortable by the insinuation. “I didn’t get involved with him to make you jealous.”

               “I know,” Kylo says quickly, but you’re still not so sure. “No, I know, you needed someone to be there for you. I understand.” There’s something in his words that doesn’t sound right to you, as if he was talking about Poe in the past tense, and suddenly you don’t want to be standing there anymore. You debated going into his mind again, but you didn’t want to get caught up in his emotions for you, and besides, Luke would be coming to siphon his Force powers from him soon. Without them, his threat level was severely diminished. He would still be capable of fighting and of using a blaster, but considering you were the one who still had his lightsaber, he wasn’t going to get very far without his Force abilities.

               “I should go,” you say after a moment, and Kylo reaches out and grabs you by both arms.

               “Stay with me,” he insists, bringing his lips forward to kiss you again, but this time you squirm away as soon as he makes contact.

               “Listen, Kylo,” you say forcefully, using the Force to shove him back. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to play pretend. That’s why I stopped coming by here the last time. If you want to have a relationship with Ani for as long as you can, that’s fine, I won’t get in the way of that, but you and I are done. Do I want to be with you? Yes, a part of me really does. I’ve wanted it for so long I don’t think I can stop wanting it now. But can I be with you? No. So it’s not really a question of if I love you enough, because love doesn’t matter. It’s not enough. It’s not going to change the circumstances, so there’s no point in drawing out whatever’s between us.”

               “And how does the pilot feel about being my replacement?” Kylo asks, crossing his arms over his chest, and you can see that he’s insulted that you pushed him away.

               You bite your lip as you stare him down. It’s a low blow, he knows it is, and you just shake your head from side to side as you can feel a burning sensation in your chest. “Poe’s not a _replacement_ ,” you tell him testily. “He’s just different. You and he are both two different people, you have both played a very different role in my life, and-“

               “Where’s Ani?” Kylo asks, and you tilt your head to the side in confusion.

               “In our room,” you say as you shrug your shoulders. “But now that you mention it, Ladson’s not even there right now so I should be getting back to him. I don’t want him to wake up and find that he’s alone in the apartment.”

               “And the pilot’s not there?” Kylo asks, and if you’re not mistaken, there’s some light amusement in his voice.

               “No,” you tell him firmly. “No, like I said, you’re two very different people. Poe and I are both extremely independent. We don’t need to be around each other constantly, and I don’t have to worry about incessantly checking in on his emotions to try to keep him grounded like I had to do with you.” Kylo narrows his eyes and you let out a breath. “I’m sorry,” you say, for no other reason than just to say it. “Look, I didn’t mind what we had. I liked what we had. I liked that we relied on and depended on each other, like we were, I don’t know, some sort of team, but that was what we _had._ Key word there, past tense. It hurts too much to think about-“

               “You should get back to Ani,” Kylo says quietly as he turns away from you, sitting down at the edge of the bed, and you can feel that familiar burn in your heartstrings. You walk over to him quickly and he seems almost surprised as you take his face in both hands and kiss him.

               “I know it’s not going to help what’s going to happen next,” you say softly. “But I do still kind of love you, and I do wish we could still be a family. I just, I don’t know, I thought you might like to hear that.” Kylo’s lip quirks up into a smile as you pull away. “But that’s why it’s too painful for me to keep coming back here. It hurts too much. I’m trying to move on, and I’m trying to rebuild my life, so I don’t think I can come back here anymore. I don’t think I can see you again.”

               “Fine,” Kylo says quietly, and while he seems a bit defeated, a part of you can’t get past the confusion that floods through you. Fine? Kylo was just fine with you never coming back to see him again?

               “Are you finally being selfless for once?” you ask with a small laugh, and Kylo stands up as he embraces you, holding you firmly to him as he cradles you back and forth for the last time.

               “Do you forgive me?” Kylo asks, without specifically mentioning which thing he wanted you to forgive him for.

               “Sure,” you say with a small laugh. “Why not?” Kylo pulls away from you and holds you at arm’s length to study your face, and you can’t help but roll your eyes. “Yes, Kylo. I forgive you.”

               “Good.” Kylo leans forward and presses his lips against yours. “Now please go back to Ani. I don’t like you leaving him alone.”

               “He’s a big boy,” you tell him. “He can take care of himself.” Even still, you seem to fumble with your feet as you walk towards the door, not sure of what to say. You look back at him for what could honestly be the last time, and as you take in his dark eyes you can’t help but feel a familiar burst of emotion rise inside your chest. “I love you,” you tell him as you rush through the opening doors, and you’re out in the hallway before he has a chance to say it back. In truth, you couldn’t stand to hear him repeat those three words back to you, not again. The whole situation with Kylo was still like a tender wound, and while you knew that it would eventually scab over with time, a part of you couldn’t help but feel guilty that you still had those feelings for Kylo when you were running around the base with Poe. It didn’t seem right, although you didn’t know what you could really do about it.

               As you had told yourself countless times before, you had no future with Kylo and it would be absolutely stupid to throw your entire future away to try to help him escape. On top of that, not only was there a large chance that you would get caught, but then how would you be able to explain that to Poe? Leia would probably have you and Ani and hell, maybe even Ladson too, escorted off the base, and then your entire future was gone, just like that. Kylo would still die, and he would have taken your entire life along with him. You didn’t want to give him that opportunity, not again. As much as you would have loved to be with him, you couldn’t indulge those childish, romantic notions any longer. You had cut the cord before, and had started to get over him, but then you had caved, gone to see him, and you could feel that familiar tug back towards him again. You could only hope that when you saw Poe again in the morning he would forgive you for your momentary lapse of weakness, if you even decided to tell him about it at all. As Poe said, communication was key to any relationship, but you didn’t exactly know how to tell him that you had kissed and confessed to your ex-lover that you still loved him because you thought it would make him feel better before he was sent off to be executed. Then again, being anything less than blunt had never been your strong suit.

               By the time you got back to your room, you checked on Ani, who was still asleep, before making your way into your own bedroom. You sat down on the end of your bed, still fully dressed, not quite ready to go to sleep just yet. Instead, you sat in a comfortable position with your feet folded beneath you as you closed your eyes and tried to meditate, tried to think, although you weren’t quite sure what you should be thinking about. Poe? Kylo? Ani? You just put your hands on your knees as you tried to clear your mind of any and all thoughts, letting whatever thoughts that decided to drift into your mind come and go as they so pleased.

You slipped into a deep trance for what seemed like hours before you finally felt another mind connect with yours, and you knew at once it wasn’t Kylo. Instead, this was an older, gentler sort of presence, that seemed to simply link itself with your conscience without any form of coercion or force. Instead, it was suddenly just _there_ , as though someone you had never met before had simply walked through an unlocked door and into the room.

               _Who are you?_ you ask, your mind reaching out into the vast span of your consciousness. You couldn’t see anything, not physically, but that didn’t bother you. Sometimes you went to different places in your mind, sometimes not; you had learned to trust both yourself and the Force to guide you to where you needed to go.

               _A friend_. The presence seemed comforting, older, and wise, and for a moment something clicked in your head.

               _A friend?_ You ask the voice. _You mean, Ani’s friend? Are you Ben Kenobi?_ Ani hadn’t talked about his friends in quite some time, and without Luke or anyone else around to answer your questions, you had simply decided it was best not talking about it. The whole thing freaked you out a bit, if you were being honest with yourself, and you were in no hurry to learn about the spirits who were invading Ani’s dreams.

               _Yes_ , the voice replies. _It is time for you to be tested._

 _In what way?_ you ask frantically. _Tested how? Is this in regards to Ani?_

               You remember what Ani had told you back in Kylo’s room. _They say you’re tempted by the dark side. They say if you do, that I shouldn’t be near you. That when the time comes, you won’t be able to protect me._

 _If I do what?_ you ask Obi-Wan. _What is it I’m supposed to do, or not supposed to do? I want to protect Ani more than anything, you must sense that. Please, give me your guidance so that I can protect him._

               _Every path can be changed_ , Kenobi’s voice replies. _Once taken, it is never too late to turn back._

               _Okay?_ you reply hesitantly. _But does that have to do with me or with Ani? Is this a warning? Is something going to happen?_

               Another voice pops into your head, and you’re not sure you like this voice. Obi-Wan’s voice had been comforting and humble, but this voice was different in a way that you couldn’t describe, almost rough and temperamental, and in a way, it almost reminded you of Kylo. _Or is something already happening?_       

               You bite your lip as you try to place the voice, letting a name, any name, float through your mind. _Anakin?_ Suddenly the image of the snake lashing out at you rises from the depths of your conscious and you can feel your heart starting to race. _Was it you who sent me that vision? What did that mean? Am I going to be-_

_Listen._

His voice is so commanding that you immediately stop and snap out of your trance. Your eyes are still closed, and you can feel the pressure of your hands on your knees, but from the darkness of the room you sense something ominous around you. There’s something else, so faint you can barely hear it, but there it is again, and you’re definitely sure that you heard the sound of fabric ruffling as someone moved in your living room. All of the fine hairs on your body stand on end as you float both Kylo’s and your own lightsaber over to you, holding one in each hand in case you would need them. You heard something else now, the sound of a voice whispering, so quiet you can barely be sure you heard it, but it’s there, you know it is, and while in the back of your mind you think you were going to give Ladson and his companion the fright of their lives, a part of you knows deep down that it’s not him. It doesn’t feel like him.

               Using the Force to slam open the door, you’re confronted with Kylo Ren, standing in your living room. You can feel your heart rise into your chest and you take your right foot back in a fighting stance, pulling both of your weapons to your side. “What are you doing here?” you ask quietly, your voice low and dangerous.

               He doesn’t respond, doesn’t have time to, as a flash of silver catches the corner of your eye and you look over to see Captain Phasma in her full chrome armor coming out of the opposing doorway with a blaster in one hand and an unconscious Ani thrown over her shoulder. You don’t think, don’t even need to, as both Kylo Ren’s and your own lightsaber come to life in your hands.

               “Put him down.” Your voice is thick with emotion, with tears, although you don’t feel like crying. Instead, you’re scared. Beyond that, you are absolutely downright terrified. The spirits thought that when the time came you wouldn’t be able to protect Ani, and here you were, outnumbered.

               “Come with us,” Kylo says, holding out his hand. You slash towards him with his own lightsaber, and while it initially seems to resist you, Kylo pulls his hand away just in time. “We don’t have time for this. We need to go.”

               “Then put my son down and leave,” you tell him. “Escape if you must. We’re staying here.”

               “I’m not leaving without you,” Kylo says firmly. His lightsaber shakes violently in your hands and you drop the Force charge controlling it as the hilt flies out of your grip and into his waiting hand. He summons it immediately and strikes towards you, and you just have time to block it with one end of the blade, holding it in a horizontal bar above you as the lightsaber blades clash against each other.

               Out of the corner of your eye you can see Phasma pick up the staff – _your_ staff – and sling it around her shoulder, and that’s when it becomes too much for you. They weren’t a part of your new life anymore, and if you wanted this life here with the Resistance and with Poe, you were going to have to be prepared for a fight to the death for it. Kylo seems to sense your commitment to this idea as he withdraws his blade immediately. “Come with me,” he says quickly. “I can give you everything you want.”

               “I already have that right here,” you tell him, and you lash out at him with your own lightsaber, aiming for his head. He summons his blade just in time, and you give two quick strikes with either end of the blade which he just manages to block as he whirls around, contorting his wrist backwards in order to protect himself. It’s a cool move, you had to give him that, but you were not going to let him win this, not when Ani’s life and your future was on the line.

               “We don’t have time for this,” Phasma warns. “We need to go.”

               She fires a shot from her blaster while Kylo comes at you, and you just have time to block both his strike and her blast, swinging the lightsaber into a figure eight on either side of you. Regardless, she fires a few more times in quick succession, and you can’t help one from hitting you in your side as it just manages to get past the end of your blade. You slump to your knees, your lightsaber dropping out of your grip, and for a minute your vision blurs over as you hear Phasma cocking the trigger for another shot.

               “Don’t,” Kylo warns, but she keeps her blaster trained on you regardless as you feel Kylo put his hand on the side of your head. You feel the room spinning around you and you summon your lightsaber into your hand but can’t push the blade out for some reason. You feel the corners of your vision getting darker, but you will yourself to hold on, will yourself to try to fight back, even though your joints feel like they are suddenly coming apart at the seams and your muscles seem too heavy for your own body to handle.

               “Ren, we don’t have time,” Phasma warns, and Kylo pulls his hand away. Without his support you slump to the side, and Kylo reattaches your lightsaber to your belt as he throws you over his shoulder, and you find yourself getting a mouthful of his scarf as you stare down at the floor. You will yourself to move but you can’t as you watch the carpeted living room floor suddenly become the hard floor of the corridor, and you watch idly as Kylo’s long legs swing back and forth as he carries you. You can hear shouting on all sides of you, blaster fire being exchanged, but it all sounds very muffled and far away. Something in particular, though, catches your attention, and you use all of the Force that you can muster to just tilt your head to the side to see the back of Poe’s leather jacket as he shoots down several Storm Troopers outside the command center.

               “Poe-“ You try to call out to him, but you don’t think any sound comes out. You try with your mind, in the split second it takes for you to cross the adjoining corridors, and in that moment Poe turns around just in time to see you.

               “No-“ Poe yells. Phasma shoots a series of bolts in his direction, and you mentally will Poe not to fire back, not at the risk of hurting Ani. You close your eyes and try to concentrate, try to restore some sort of sense into your limbs; whatever Kylo did to you, surely, if you tried hard enough, you could undo it. He had been kept in that stuffy cell for weeks, and you had to be stronger than he was. You had light on your side, and as long as you trusted in the light side of the Force, you still had a chance. A chance to save the family unit with you and Ani and Poe that you had finally grown comfortable accepting as you very own.

               Kylo seems to sense you stirring and puts his hand over you firmly, possessively, and suddenly you recognize the floor below you as the floor of the hangar. You start to struggle in earnest now, and you can see Phasma’s shiny chrome boots enter your field of vision. “Get him inside,” Kylo orders, and you manage a weak kick against his chest as you hear Phasma walking up some kind of boarding ramp.

               “Don’t move.” You sense Poe’s presence before you can hear his voice, but either way you let yourself be comforted, even if it’s for the briefest of moments. Phasma already had Ani on board the ship, and you couldn’t risk getting left behind now, not with Ani still on board. You can hear shouts and the clamoring of boots, and you force yourself to look up over Kylo’s shoulder to see Poe surrounded by Storm Troopers, although he still has his blaster trained on Kylo’s head. Kylo, himself, is not facing him, but he does turn his head to the side so he can regard the situation.

               “Well, pilot,” Kylo says with a triumphant smirk. “I believe this is where you meet your end.”

               “No,” you gasp desperately. You think if you tried hard enough, you can stop one or two blaster bolts, but you can’t stop all of them. You hear the sound of blaster bolts being fired, and you can see Storm Troopers exchanging fire with other Resistance fighters from out in the corridor.

               “You can kill me,” Poe says confidently. “But there will be more of us coming soon, and you can bet that the Resistance has more experienced pilots than you could manage.”

               “I suppose you do,” Kylo says, as if it doesn’t matter to him. “Of course, if you shoot us down, you risk killing her and her child in an attempt to get to me.” Kylo jostles you uncomfortably on his shoulder and you close your eyes as you take a deep breath out.

               “Let him go,” you tell Kylo. “Please, if you just let him go, I’ll go with you, willingly.” You look at the Storm Troopers surrounding Poe and your heart pounds in your chest. They were all standing too close to miss, and there were too many of them to take out yourself, especially in your weakened state. You can hear more blaster bolts coming from down the hall as two more Storm Troopers emerge into the hangar.

               “Sir, we need to go now,” one of them says, and you lock eyes with Poe, whose finger tightens on the trigger. You don’t need foresight to know what will happen if he fires that shot.

               “No-“ You hold up your hand and the blaster goes flying out of his grip, scattering across the floor. Kylo spins around suddenly with his arm outstretched and you see Poe’s head snap back as he cries out, before he slumps to the floor face-first. You can sense that he’s still alive, and you can’t help but reach out to him in your mind, trying to tell him that you’ll figure this out, that everything would be okay, that you would find your way back to the Resistance, and to him.

               “Leave him. Let’s go.” Kylo’s voice is clipped and the Storm Troopers abandon him on the ground as Kylo turns around again, and you see Poe struggling to get up as Kylo loads you into the ship, the boarding ramp closing you and Kylo off from the Resistance base for good. You still feel weak as Kylo eases you off of his shoulder and into a seat next to Ani, whose head is resting sleepily on his shoulder. Kylo presses a quick kiss to your lips as he buckles you in, but you make no move to return it.

               “You saved me,” Kylo says with a gentle smile as he fastens you in. “You stopped him from pulling the trigger.”

               “I saved him,” you murmur weakly. You can hear blaster bolts hitting the sides of the ship, and Kylo looks up and to the side.

               “Sir, I need you up front,” Phasma calls back, and Kylo mutters something before he turns back to you.

               “I love you,” Kylo says as he presses a kiss to your forehead. “I remember what you said, what you felt. You wanted to be a family with Ani and I more than anything, and I’m going to give you everything you’ve ever wanted.”

               You just close your eyes as he walks off, and you gently will your arm over to Ani’s and place it over his protectively, too weak and too drained to do much more than that. You can hear the ship taking off, but mentally you’re trying to get back to Poe on the Resistance base, even as you feel it fading into the distance. Now Kylo wanted to give you everything you always wanted? It was too little, too late. You had given up on ever having a chance of a future with Kylo, not to mention the fact that he was now a wanted criminal and everyone would be looking for him. There was never a chance of a normal, happy family life with him, not like there was with Poe.

               Once upon a time, having a family with Kylo would have been all you had ever wanted, but you didn’t want it, no, you couldn’t want it, not after everything that had happened. A part of you still loved him, deep down, a part of you still cared for him, but that was only because of the Force bond, and nothing more. You couldn’t allow yourself to fall back into your same bad habits. Poe had taught you how to fly, Finn had taught you how to use a blaster, and Rey had taught you how to use the Force. It would take all of your survival skills to help you escape whatever hellish First Order base that Kylo was bringing you to this time, but you had to believe in yourself. You had to be strong, and you had to trust in the light side of the Force to bring you home.

               As long as you trusted the light that was inside of you, you still had a chance.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RUH-ROH!! Phasma's back, and she and Kylo have kidnapped Reader and Ani and taking her...where? What does he want with her? (Besides the obvious!) Will our Reader try to find her way back to the Resistance base? Will she try to come to terms with her relationship with Kylo? Will Poe try to save her? Will the Reader decide to try to save herself? What will Ani want to do? As some new, unexpected information shocks everyone on both sides, the Reader realizes that she must truly abandon her neutrality once and for all and finally make the choice between the First Order and the Resistance, between the dark side...and the light. 
> 
> Unlike the transition between part one and part two, this chapter will have no significant time jump, so we pick up basically right where we left off, and I can tell you that as a reward for sticking with me through this whole thing, there is a decent amount of Kylo Ren smut coming up, and yes, he's actually in every chapter this time. _Every chapter?_ Every chapter. ;) I'm really excited about it; I'm glad to see Kylo come back and figure out how he and the Reader can fit into each other's lives again (if they even can at all!), and especially throwing Ani and Phasma into the mix, it's going to make for an interesting time. 
> 
> So if you're ready to continue on this crazy adventure with me and Reader, then stay tuned for part 3, which I release _tomorrow_!! Until then, cheers!!  <3
> 
> PS: Everyone needs to scroll down and read the beautiful comment Aerris7 left, because, holy shit, I don't think I could explain this story any better myself if I tried. xD You are amazing, friend, truly!!


End file.
